


The Road Most Travelled

by vmicedance



Category: Figure Skating RPF, Olympics RPF, Sports RPF
Genre: Angst, Endgame, F/F, F/M, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, RTR, awkward moments, dad scott, it will all work out in the end
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-25
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2020-10-30 14:51:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 71
Words: 282,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20774258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vmicedance/pseuds/vmicedance
Summary: "I shall be telling this with a sighSomewhere ages and ages hence:Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled by,And that has made all the difference."Two years after the end of their partnership Tessa and Scott are living separate lives. Rebuilt and fortified, Tessa is forging a path through life that sees her happy. Scott is living in Florida with his decisions.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> I suppose this, really, is a form of therapy!
> 
> At this point, characters have emerged, separated from the real people about whose lives we actually know very little! Their love and lives are really just inspiration now. I love the fictional worlds we've all created and supported. 
> 
> Scott's wife's name has been changed simply because it felt nothing other than totally weird to write about some I know absolutely nothing about!!
> 
> This will be an epic, and I can't promise super quick updates, but I will complete it if there are still people reading it and talking about it.
> 
> After writing previous works I really started to miss the sense of community that came with sharing my writing with you all. So, as long as we're reading and talking about it I will write all 105 chapters - they are all planned and I am looking forward to writing them. 
> 
> They will get there, it will be ok!

Chapter One

Tessa breathed deeply, the smell of still fresh linen encouraging her warm body deeper beneath the sheets. She could sense the morning's growing light warming the window behind her as she pulled the edge of the quilt tighter around her shoulders. She heard the distant beep of the coffee machine in the kitchen and hoped there was a cup of the rich black liquid heading her way. Moments later a mug was placed on the nightstand next to her and the aroma beckoned her towards the day. 

"Are you around tonight?" Ava's voice moved around the room as she gathered her shoes, hopping from one foot to the other as she searched for her lipstick and mobile. 

"I'm having drinks with Jordan," Tessa replied as she pushed herself up into a sitting position and took a careful sip of coffee. 

"In the city?"

"Mmm," Tessa nodded as she swallowed another gulp of coffee, "have you got plans?" 

"Dinner with Mom," Ava replied as she stood in front of the mirror and ran her fingers through her hair a final time before heading to the side of the bed, "perhaps we'll catch each other over the weekend?" she smiled as she perched on the side of the bed. 

"Certainly," Tessa smiled up at her, a slight grin tugging at her lips. 

"I'll look forward to it," Ava smiled as she lent in and captured Tessa's lips with her own, leaving a casual yet sensuous kiss on her lips. 

"Me too," Tessa smiled as she returned the kiss, her eyes shedding their sleepiness. 

Ava pushed herself up from the bed, took a final swig of her own coffee and headed out of the bedroom and towards the Toronto morning sun. 

Tessa, the kiss lingering on her soft lips, slipped from beneath her bedsheets and padded towards the floor to ceiling windows connecting her bedroom to the balcony beyond. Pulling her silk dressing gown around her lithe body, she relaxed into the rattan armchair and sipped on her cooling coffee. She thumbed through her contacts and pressed the green telephone handset next to Jordan's name. 

"Tessa Virtue," Jordan's smile travelled down the line, "what got you up so early?"

"Ava," Tessa smiled back, pleased with the speed of her witty reply at such an early hour. 

"Another sleepover!" Jordan replied with a teasing tone, "Is this getting serious?”

"Nope," Tessa replied, popping the letter p between her lips, "definitely nothing more than serious, yet very casual, fun."

"And much deserved," Jordan's voice grew warm.

"I'm calling it progress," Tessa replied, "how are things there? Are we still on for tonight?" 

"Of course!" Jordan's voice told her sister that there was no way she was about to miss their drinks date, "I'm looking forward to real adult conversation that does not revolve around talking animals, mashed vegetables or toilet habits!"

"How is my handsome nephew?"

"Tired and cranky."

"But still adorable?"

"Always adorable," Jordan smiled as her eyes drifted to her sleeping son as he dozed at the side of her, wrapped up in her bedsheets, "what are your plans for today?"

"I need to work on my book."

"How's it coming along?"

"Hmm, not quickly, that's for sure."

"Well, be patient, Tess, don't force it, dealing with everything in your own time, remember?"

"The book's not about that, Jord, I told you."

"No, I know," Jordan's voice softened, "but like Gloria said, writing is often a release, even when you're writing about something seemingly unconnected to your thoughts, thoughts have a way of rising to the surface somehow."

“I know,” Tessa replied with a sigh, “but this book is mine, about me. Gloria and I discuss Scott enough in our sessions, I don’t need to write about him as well.”

Jordan, knowing the enormous progress Tessa had made in the last two years, understood her sister’s need to process what had happened in her own way. 

“See you at seven, usual place?” Tessa chirped into her handset.   
“See you there!” Jordan smiled back just as Oliver opened his eyes and looked around for his mum. 

Tessa resolved to spend the rest of the day working on her book. After a long shower she opted for her comfy sweats before locking herself away in her study with her laptop and a self-enforced absence of Internet. 

She rapped her fingers on the desk, the glare of the screen taunting her as the meagre amount of words she'd managed to produce seemed to shrink by the second. True to her determination and perfectionism she sat, steadfastly waiting for the words to flow. The words of her therapist,Gloria, came back to her, reminding her that writing is a good form of therapy itself, offers the opportunity to express feelings that are hard to say aloud. She had worked through so much, two years of strengthening herself, finding herself, creating a life outside of him, without him. She knew there were things she still hasn't explored, hadn't let herself think about or talk about, but this, her life, her rebirth, it belonged to her. Her recovery is hers, just like her plummet was hers too. She learnt that through owning it all, every last gory detail of it, it became hers to control and hers to overcome. She had found a sense of empowerment in rebuilding herself and growing in strength. Her book was meant to be about that, her story, her journey, so that she could help other people, other women, to find what's on the other side. She ran her finger along her soft lips as she thought, trying to force words to the page. 

Reaching rock bottom doesn't have to

She tapped the 'delete' button with a tutt, the line felt so unemotional and removed from what she felt inside, the experience she was trying to share, the wisdom she was trying to impart. 

You never think it will happen to you. You see other people in the depths of

She pushed the laptop away from her hands, frustration throbbing at the centre of her forehead. She let out a deep sigh. Some days it felt like she was going backwards instead of forwards. She yanked the laptop back towards herself and thrashed at the keys.

The higher he raised me, the further I fell. He hollowed me out, took 

Her fingers stopped, limp and breathless. 

She pressed the power button and silenced the screen. 

***  
"Sorry," Jordan was breathless as she approached the table that Tessa was settled at, red wine in hand, "Ollie wouldn't settle and and Ted was late coming in and…"

"Wine," Tessa prescribed, holding a glass of red out to her sister.

Jordan took the wine with great gratitude and took a healthy swig, visibly relaxing as the thick liquid swam through her veins. 

"Ollie restless at bedtime again?" Tessa smiled sympathetically, encouraging her sister to open up. 

"He's been much better lately," Jordan sighed as she removed her bag and coat and made herself comfortable across from her sister, "I think he sensed things were different this evening. I think he knew I was going out and then with Ted being late in as well, it just threw him off."

"He does like his routine," Tessa smiled fondly as she thought of her nephew. 

"That he does!" Jordan agreed. 

"He'll be fast asleep when you get home and will be fine in the morning."

"Yeah, he will," Jordan agreed with a smile, "he'll be up and full of beans and wanting to play."

The bar was filled with the quiet hum of early evening chatter; people loose enough to be sociable, but not too far gone as to be rowdy. Tessa looked around, drank in the atmosphere. The bar was quite small, and if she was honest, pretty exclusive. Not that she would have minded frequenting a more public bar, but in central Toronto, indeed in Toronto in general, she didn't have the freedom of anonymity. 

"So how did your day of writing go?" Jordan asked. 

"Alright," Tessa lied, "well, not that well, actually, I couldn't get writing, wasn't in the right mood."

"Well you know you don't have to force anything, Tess."

"No, I know that."

"The book, there aren't any demands on you, you do-'

"I want to write the book," Tessa's voice wasn't sharp, bit it was insistent, "I will write the book, I am, I am writing it."

"I know," the patience in Jordan's voice told of the journey she had taken with her sister to this point and the calm and soft tolerance she had developed, "and it's a great idea, you know I support you. I'm just saying that you don't need to put any pressure on yourself over it. Over anything."

"I am stronger than you think, Jordan, I've come a long way."

"I know that, Tess," Jordan reached across the table and placed her hand on her sister's, "I know that. And I'm so proud of you."

Jordan's words were truly sincere. She'd always been amazed by her sister, by her talent, her determination and her kindness, but over the last two years she'd seen her hit rock bottom, fall to pieces, and, little by little, rebuild herself and the world around her. She'd seen a genuine desire to endure, to be at peace and to fortify herself against the maelstrom of her emotions. She hoped that Tessa did finish her book and that she could gift to women the story of her healing in order that they could be empowered and be the architects of their own happiness. 

"How was your session with Gloria this week?" Jordan enquired. 

"Good," Tessa smiled, "it's nice how we talk now, different. It's more a chance for me to explain the strategies I'm using and the challenges I'm overcoming rather than her trying to pull me through."

"It's always been you, Tess," Jordan smiled, "Gloria said that, remember, when we met with together her last month. You're the one who has done all of the hard work, she's just been pointing you in the right direction."

"Well, whatever she's been doing, I'm grateful," Tessa smiled, "I couldn't have done it without her."

"She's certainly an inspirational woman," Jordan agreed as she picked up the bottle of wine that sat on the table between them, and topped up their glasses, "have you contacted him about the Air Canada fundraiser?"

"Yeah," Tessa ran her finger through the red wine that ran down the side of glass and sucked the liquid from its tip,"I sent him a text, he said he couldn't attend either, that he had family commitments."

"I think that's for the best."

"Yeah," Tessa agreed her voice light, "hopefully they'll still offer sponsorship for the gala dinner, even though we've declined."

"You've offered them plenty of support in the past," Jordan reassured her sister, "and they know the two of you aren't doing joint events anymore, so they can't be all that surprised."

"No," Tessa nodded, "I think they were looking for us to appear at their event together and they'd be able to get publicity off the back of having our first joint appearance for two years."

"Did you offer to attend alone?"

"No, I didn't feel it would be right seeing as they'd asked us both," Tessa worried her bottom lip with her teeth, "seeing as they asked him too, I thought if I -"

"I understand," Jordan smiled, "and I think you've done the right thing."

A waiter appeared beside them, menus and a smile on offer.

"Can I interest you in any food, ladies?" 

"Absolutely," Jordan smiled as the waiter placed the menus in front of them. 

Tessa smiled and noticed the waiter's deep eyes and wide smile.

"Thanks," she smiled. 

"You're welcome," the waiter responded, locking eyes with the younger Virtue sister. Tessa returned his smile, wide and filled with gratitude. 

"Let me know when you're ready," the waiter's words were directed at Tessa, almost as if he were unaware of Jordan's presence. His eyes took her in once more before he headed back towards the bar. 

"He was friendly," Tessa commented as she turned her attention to the menu in her hand and the rumble of hunger in her stomach. 

Jordan chuckled from behind her menu, "Scott may have got many things specularly wrong, but one thing he was right about is your absolute ignorance to guys flirting with you!" 

"He wasn't flirting!" Tessa pinked as she spoke, "he was just being nice, and good at his job."

"And, what? I don't need to eat?"

"He smiled at you."

"He gave me a menu."

"He gave me a menu!"

"Whilst undressing you with his eyes!"

"Jordan!"

"Just saying what I see!"

"You're seeing what you want to see."

"Whatever."

"More wine, ladies?" the waiter appeared at their side once more, a bottle of the red, the same as that which they'd already worked their way through, in his hand.

Tessa felt her cheeks ignite as Jordan raised her right eyebrow. 

"Thank you," Tessa managed as she avoided eye contact with the waiter, wanting him to pour the wine and disappear. 

He poured the wine carefully and slowly, making sure to raise his eye to Tessa as he pulled the wine bottle away from the glass and allowed a final dribble of the luxurious liquid to land in her glass. 

"Thank you," Jordan pulled his attention towards her empty glass as she pushed it towards him. Although she teased her sister, she didn't like to see he cornered. Tessa was beautiful but modest and she missed the intentions of the men around her because she was so genuinely nice to everyone. Plus, she knew her sister was comfortable with Ava and their casual relationship. She was happy and free and doing what she wanted, and Jordan saw that as progress; enormous progress. The waiter took the hint, broke away from Tessa, and with an apologetic smile in Jordan's direction he filled her glass. 

"So," Jordan ventured once the over attentive waiter had taken his leave, "Ava stayed over last night?"

"She did," Tessa replied simply, "I like her company."

"I like her," Jordan replied, "she's nice."

"It's not a long term thing, Jord," Tessa's voice carried a warning.

"I know, I-"

"I don't want anything serious," Tessa affirmed, "we're having fun, we get on, we're friends-" 

"With benefits," Jordan couldn't help the teasing tone in her voice. 

"Amazing benefits," Tessa's grin told her sister that she could give as good as she got. 

"Well, I'm glad one of us is getting some," Jordan took a swig of her wine, "there's no passion killer like a two year old!" 

"You know I'll always have him for the night if you and Ted want a date night."

"I know and I'm so grateful," Jordan sighed, "but even when we're alone it's the last thing on our minds. We're so tired, we just want to sleep while we can."

"Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it more than them" Tessa stated, trying to put her sister at ease. 

"Hmm," Jordan didn't sound too convinced. 

"How long are we talking?"

"A while."

"What, a month?" 

"Longer."

"Two?"

"Almost... years."

"Two years!" Tessa clamped her hand to her mouth to quieten her own voice, "two years?!" she whispered as she scanned the room, checking she hadn't disturbed anyone.

"Having a baby is tough," Jordan tried to justify her situation. 

"I remember once Scott and I wen-" the words were tumbling from her lips before she had the chance to stop them. 

Jordan was silent, giving her sister the space she needed in order to process her thoughts. 

"Sorry, I…" Tessa felt like the air had sucked from her lungs.

"You know, you don't have to act like he doesn't exist," Jordan soothed, "remember that you don't have to deny or regret-"

"No, I'm not," Tessa jumped in, eager to explain to her sister that she wasn't trying to erase the past, she knew that wasn't possible, she and Gloria had talked at length about how what happened at the end didn't rewrite any of the good stuff they'd had, "I've just decided it's not healthy to talk about him so casually, I need to let go of him being in my every day."

"I understand," Jordan smiled, "whatever you need."

"Anyway," Tessa brushed away the conversation and brought the focus back to her sister, "are you saying you've not had sex since Ollie was born?"

"Not really, not properly," Jordan admitted. 

"Not really?" 

"There have been a few attempts, but it never felt right, never really worked."

"Recently?"

"No, six months, a year after Ollie, and then when those failed, I suppose we just have up."

"Have you talked about it?"

"No," Jordan sighed, knowing that she and her husband really should have spoken about the issue when it first became an issue, "I think we're both just a bit embarrassed and a bit tired."

"Perhaps you should take some time out, I can look after Ollie for the night. Go for a nice meal, a walk, talk it out, and then see where the evening takes you. I bet he's feeling the same as you are about it."

"I miss him," Jordan said quietly, "you know, being close to him, I miss it."

"Of course," Tessa nodded, "it's a really important way of connecting with the person you love. It's a part of you that no one else gets, it's special, exclusive. and it's something you need to share."

"Well, I'll take you up on your offer, get something booked. Thanks, Tess."

"Anytime," Tessa's words and smile were sincere. Her sister had done so much to help her through the past two years, the disappointment and heartbreak and the mess that followed. She owned her own healing, her own growth, that was true, but she'd never have had the strength to find it if it hadn't been for Jordan, always there, picking her up, supporting her, telling her the hard facts she tried to ignore.   
The waiter came back to the table, notepad ready. They ordered food and enjoyed conversation about their friends, family and their work. They chatted lightly, knowing that the big things they were both facing were not going to be solved overnight, but safe in the knowledge that neither of them were alone in their struggles. The recent past, the two years that had passed since Tessa’s world had been turned upside down, had brought them closer than they had ever been and their strengthened relationship had emerged from the rubble of heartache and anger.


	2. Chapter Two

Chapter Two

One foot in front of the other. It’s the daily rhythm of life. It’s easy. Reliable. 

Scott felt his chest sting as he turned the corner and started his final lap of the park. With gritted teeth he dug deep and tried to set a personal best. The burn of his muscles filled his being as he ran towards the sunrise. 

“Morning,” he shouted as he pushed open his front door and grabbed the towel he had draped over the bannister ready for his return. He headed towards the kitchen and the smell of fresh coffee. He found Jena at the breakfast bar, newspaper open and coffee in hand. She’d not heard him come in and he stopped in the doorway to watch her, glasses perched on the end of her nose and the heel of her work shoe hooked through the chair’s horizontal bar. She looked engrossed and deep in concentration.

“Hey,” he whispered against her ear as he draped his arms around her neck and moved to place a peck on her cheek. 

“I’m ready for work,” her words pushed him away at the same time as her arms did, “you smell.”

“Sorry,” Scott retreated like a scalded child and headed for the coffee pot that was on the stove. 

“You never think about what you’re doing,” Jena’s words were sharp as she rummaged through her oversized handbag in the hope of unearthing her perfume, “I’ve got to leave in ten minutes.”

“I was just trying to show you some affection,” Scott’s voice was controlled, but there was no mistaking the frustration that ran beneath it. Lifting the lid of the coffee pot he found it empty. He set about washing it before making a fresh pot for himself. 

“I haven’t got all day at home like you, Scott. I just wanted to enjoy the few minutes of peace I get each day.”

Scott pushed the button on the coffee grinder, the sound of the beans being crunched by the rotating metal blades filled the kitchen. He pressed the button harder than he needed, left his finger on it for longer than was needed. He breathed the sound in and allowed it to fill him. 

“Scott!” the sound was cut instantly as Jena pulled the plug from the wall, “well done!”

The sound of metal crunching bean was replaced by a shrill crackle from the kitchen counter. 

“You’ve woken him up.” Jena’s voice was as sharp as the coffee grinder’s blades. 

The baby monitor continued to vibrate with the sound of their son’s cries as Jena scooped up her bag, spritzed herself with her perfume once more and headed for the front door, letting in a plume of morning air before slamming it shut. Scott took a deep breath, ran his hands over his face and flicked the kettle’s switch. He picked up the baby monitor and turned its dial to the off position, it clicked satisfyingly and signalled the start of his day. 

“Hey buddy,” Scott’s voice cut through the darkness of the bedroom as he headed towards the cot that sat in the corner of the room. As soon as he arrived at the cot’s side he was greeted with the outstretched arms of the most important person in his life. He looked down at his son’s tear streaked face and felt his chest tighten. It never stopped taking him by surprise; the overwhelming sense of love and protection he felt for the boy stood before him. He savoured the sleepy morning smile that shone out in the semi-darkness, promising never to take this wonderful person in his life for granted. He promised himself every day that he would never let him down, always love and fiercely protect him. Theirs was a relationship he would never give up on and never turn his back on. 

“Da,” the two year old’s eyes widened in response to his dad’s voice and the prospect of being taken out of his cot for breakfast. 

“Did you sleep well?” Scott asked as he bent down and placed his hands beneath his son’s warm arms. 

“No sleep,” Nate answered, worried he might be about to lose the freedom he had gained. 

“I know you don’t want to sleep now,” Scott chuckled as he perched his son on his hip, “you want your breakfast now, right?”

“Toast?” Nate’s legs seemed to bounce of their own accord at the mere thought of his new favourite food. 

“I think toast sounds like a good idea,” Scott smiled as they entered the kitchen and headed towards the breakfast bar. With Nate still held to his hip he used an outstretched leg to pull the high chair towards the breakfast counter. He slid his son into the chair and strapped him in. 

“Juice?” Nate’s voice was high pitched as he bounced with delight against the straps keeping him from slipping out of the chair. 

“What’s the word, bud?” Scott asked as he headed towards the fridge. 

“Pease, Daddy,” Nate responded, wanting to secure his drink and his dad’s approval. 

“Well done,” Scott chimed as he poured Nate’s juice into his sippy cup, “you’re a polite boy,” he ruffled Nate’s hair as he placed the cup down in front of him, “now,” he smiled, “toast.”

“Toast,” Nate’s word was close to a squeal, not only in response to the food he was about to receive, but to the fun he knew he was about to have as he watched his dad making his breakfast. 

“Toast!” Scott sang aloud, joining his son in his joy. Scott slid towards the kitchen counter, his socks making the hard wooden floor like an ice rink beneath his feet. Nate bounced with excitement in his chair, clapping his hands at his dad. Scott twirled as he opened the cupboard door and grabbed the bag of bread. 

“Introducing,” Scott held the bread aloft as he showed it his audience of one, “the main event, the star of the show, the leading ingredient…”

“Mr Bread!” Nate yelled on cue, his part of the breakfast making routine delivered with gusto. 

“Mr Bread!” Scott repeated in his best announcer voice, “a clap for Mr Bread, please.”

Nate clapped his podgy hands together in celebration. Scott twirled around with the bread before sliding back towards the counter and the toaster which sat waiting to receive the bread. 

“And now, ladies and gentleman, before your very eyes, Mr Bread will attempt a terrifying feat-”

“Jump!” Nate’s shouting and clapping cut Scott’s words short. 

“Mr Bread,” Scott spoke to the slice of bread that was now in his hand, “your audience is calling to you, can you do it Mr Bread,” Scott held the slice of bread up to his ear.

“Jump!” Nate repeated, his arms waving in the air, his juice long forgotten. 

“Mr Bread accepts the challenge,” Scott announced as he positioned the slice of bread on the counter. 

“Jump, jump,” Nate’s excitement and anticipation had him rocking in his high chair. 

Scott positioned the piece of bread on top of the coffee grinder that stood along the counter from the toaster. 

“For the first time in the history of the world, right here in Florida, Mr Bread will now attempt a jump never before completed,” his best announcer voice rang out across the kitchen, sending Nate into complete silence as he played the well rehearsed role of captivated audience member. 

“Drum roll, please!”

At his cue, Nate smashed haphazardly at the tray table on his high chair. 

Scott lifted the piece of bread into the air, set it in motion and added a dramatic flip before it landed safely into the nearest slot on the toaster. Nate cheered, banging the table with his sippy cup. 

“He’s done it!” Scott shouted as he leapt around the kitchen, his arms waving in the air. 

“Done it!” Nate copied, flinging his arms about in imitation of his dad. 

Once the toast was ready and buttered, Scott cut it into fingers and placed it on Nate's tray table. He poured himself a cup of strong coffee and positioned himself opposite his son. Nate chewed hungrily on his toast, intermittently offering Scott a chewed or sucked end now and again. Scott politely declined, urging his son to eat his breakfast in order that he grow big and strong. As he sipped his coffee he opened the email inbox on his phone to check his messages. He'd decided about a year ago to remove the notifications for his email from his phone. There had been numerous needless arguments with Jena over who was emailing him and why. He knew she had a point; that he was longer an ice dancer, a celebrity, a public figure, so people shouldn't be making demands on him, but it wasn't that easy to just step out of the life he'd had for so long. He only had a few new emails, most of which where newsletters from affiliates and sponsors or information from Skate Canada. Tessa's name caught his eye as he scrolled through an email from their old publicity agency. It told him she was arranging a gala dinner, a charity event to raise money to support women to set up business ventures in London and Toronto. He smiled to himself, she'd always talked about organising an event, a dinner, for a good cause. He'd always joked about her staying away from the catering. A fond smile spread across his face as he thought of her accomplishing her dreams. The smile soon faded as he felt a stab at his chest, his actions coming back to haunt him. He quickly closed the email, switched the screen of his phone off and placed it on the counter. He turned his full attention to his son, not allowing the past to take any root in his present. 

"Time for a bath, buddy," Scott smiled to his son as he watched him curl his butter coated fingers through a strand of hair. The mention of bathtime drew almost as much excitement from Nate as the performing bread had. Scott and Nate's morning bath together was a fiercely protected time in their day. Nate loved the water, his bath toys and the time with his dad. Scott loved watching his son play and develop as well as the relaxation that the deep water and soft jets provided. Nate, who had recently become highly efficient at undressing himself and shedding himself of his nighttime diaper, was toddling between the bathroom and his bedroom collecting toys. 

"There won't be any room for us with all these toys Nate," Scott smiled as he knelt beside the bath and swirled hot water into the cold, making sure the temperature was suitable for Nate. 

"One more," Nate announced as he placed a large digger down next to Scott, "all done," the two year old had a smile of pride and accomplishment on his face. 

With the water at the right temperature, Scott pulled his t-shirt over his head and slid his running shorts down his hips. He caught sight of his naked form in the full length bathroom mirror. He noticed that his stomach had started to trim and that his abs were just starting to show again. Although he hadn't allowed himself to become too overweight or out of shape, it was inevitable that Nate's arrival, his move to Florida and his retirement from skating was always going to have an effect on his ability to stay in shape. However, over the last few months his more regular and longer runs had certainly started to change his body. With a last check on the water temperature, he lifted Nate off his feet and over the side of the tub before stepping in after him and easing himself into the water. He felt the cool water cling to his skin. The coolness of his son's bath water was one of the things he'd had to adjust to since becoming a dad. He preferred his bath water close to scalding, the water leaving a visible redness on his skin. It was the reason he and Jena had never really been able to enjoy taking a bath together. They'd tried a few times but their differing taste in water temperature had made for a pretty unsuccessful evening each time. Not that Jena had been much interested in the activity anyway, saying that a bath wasn't something she particularly wanted to share with someone else, that to her it's purpose was personal hygiene not a romantic one. Scott hummed in response, showing respect for her feelings. He thought it best not to mention that some of his most fond and romantic memories were of hot baths, soaking away the aches of training, sipping cold champagne and feeling it cut through the scalding water around him. The bath he was stepping into was a purchase he took a long time to make as he'd had his heart set on procuring a bath identical to that which he'd enjoyed in his hotel room in Pyeongchang. After contact with the hotel, suppliers and an expensive flight for the bath across continents he now had it to relax in when he wanted. If, as he lay back in the tub, jets massaging his body, his mind drifted to what he had done in the bath in his hotel room after the gold medal win, he never told anyone, not even himself. 

"Daddy, hair," the cup Nate had suspended above Scott's head was emptied over his hair, sending water down his neck and up his nose. 

"Thanks, bud," Scott smiled as his son reached for the shampoo bottle. 

"Just a bit, gentle," Scott calmly instructed as Nate began to upend the bottle in the direction of his hand and attempted to squeeze out the thick liquid. His little fingers lacked the strength to squeeze the hard plastic and the bottle slipped from his hands and splashed into the water. 

"Oh no!" Nate's new favourite phrase flowed from his lips as he threw his hands in the air. 

"Daddy will squeeze it onto your hands," Scott said with a smile as he fished the bottle of shampoo out of the water and angled it towards Nate's upturned palms. He squeezed a small amount of shampoo into Nate's hand and then bent his head forward so that his son could rub the shampoo into his hair. 

"Good job," Scott encouraged his son, "you're good at washing my hair, Nate."

"Close eyes," Nate said, his voice filled with confidence as he grabbed the plastic cup from the bath's side and filled it with water. 

"Ready," Scott announced as he scrunched his eyes closed and waited for the water, most of which, he knew from experience, was likely to end up on his face and not his head. 

Nate stretched his arm as high as he could before shakily depositing the water into Scott's head. He plunged the cup beneath the water a few more times before declaring Scott's hair clean. 

"Now your turn," Scott said gently as he sat Nate between his opened legs and gently poured water over his soft curls. 

Nate shook his head at the water cascaded over his face, but sat and let his dad lather the shampoo and then rinse it from his hair. 

"All clean," Scott declared as the final soap suds ran down Nate's back.

They stayed in the bath a little longer, filling cups and trucks with water and blowing bubbles with soap. Scott felt a deep sense of peace fall over him. Of all the things that he'd done, the good and the bad, Nate was the one thing he'd never change and never regret. He loved his son and loved the life they had together. He knew having the opportunity to spend everyday caring for his son was something most parents could only dream of - he knew how lucky he was. He wanted to share everything with the little boy in front of him, show him everything the world had in store for him. He wanted to make sure that his son had the happy childhood he did, surrounded by family and friends and living for love and enjoyment. He felt a pang of hurt run across his chest when he thought of how far from the Moirs and Ilderton they lived. Sure, they visited, as much as they could, Scott made it a priority, but it was different to what Scott had enjoyed as a child; the closeness of family and a small town. He wanted that for Nate. He wanted him to go to school with kids who lived down the road, run around the fields with his cousins and go to the fair with his friends. Perhaps they should go to Ilderton for a visit, stay a while, he could rent a place for a couple of weeks. He made a mental note to call his mom and compare their schedules. He knew she would be delighted at the thought of Nate being around for a few weeks. 

"Daddy, look," Nate held up his wrinkled fingers. 

"Oh, no," Scott said dramatically as he took his son's fingers in his, "it's Mr Prune!"

"Out Daddy?" Nate asked, his voice showing concern. 

"Time to get out," Scott agreed as he stood up, lifted Nate over the bath's edge and onto the floor. He wrapped himself and Nate in towels and they headed to Nate's room to get dressed. 

They spent their morning running errands, buying groceries and tidying Nate's toys. The afternoon was spent at a toddler's music class that they went to each week. Afterwards, Scott enjoyed a coffee with some of the moms and Nate played with his friends from the class. 

After making Nate's dinner and feeding him, Scott wrapped him in a blanket and settled him down on the sofa with a bottle of warm milk. It had taken him a while to get Nate's bedtime routine right. At first he'd tried to cuddle the boy to sleep as he drank his milk, but he came to realise that Nate needed time alone to fall asleep, that he calmed better on his own. So now Nate had his blanket and milk on the sofa for half an hour before coming to Scott, arms outstretched, to be lifted into his cot. 

With Nate settled, a soft snore audible through the baby monitor, Scott set about preparing dinner for him and Jena. He checked his watch - she would be home in about forty five minutes, plenty of time for him to prepare the steak and salad that he had bought from the supermarket. Perhaps he should have been more considerate at breakfast. She worked hard at her job and perhaps he should have been more considerate in allowing her time to herself in the morning. Perhaps his show of affection had been mistimed. He’d cook and apologise and perhaps they could enjoy an evening together. He pulled the lettuce from the fridge and set about pulling the leaves apart. 

Scott was just turning the steak for the final time before allowing it to rest when his phone vibrated on the counter next to him. He saw a text from Jena and smiled - she’d likely be asking if he needed anything on the way home, and another bottle of red wouldn’t go a miss. He wiped his hands on the ass of his jeans before swiping the screen to reveal the text of her message. 

Drinks after work. Don’t wait up. Kisses to Nate. 

He let the phone drop back against the granite counter as he let out a disappointed sigh. He didn’t bother with a reply - the message didn’t really need, or invite, one. He finished cooking the steak and wrapped hers in foil and placed it in the oven to keep warm. He put his own onto his plate and padded towards the living room. He settled on the sofa with his dinner and a bottle of beer. The TV responded to his touch on the remote. The ancient television screen wall of Jeopardy looked back at him. He couldn't help but smile at the politeness of the contestants, their cheery responses and the old set. He settled back on the sofa with a sense of relaxation and peace. If he felt the empty seat beside him, he didn't acknowledge it, if he felt a long standing smile fall across his lips, he never allowed himself to notice, and if, in the night air, he smelt, faint and fleeting, the ethereal scent of strawberry pass his nostrils, he sank further into the couch and his beer and not into the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned for Tessa's gala dinner.


	3. Chapter Three

Tessa smiled as she felt Ava's warm breath on her neck.

"You look gorgeous," Ava left a kiss just beneath Tessa's ear as her arms encircled her waist and the tightly fitted cocktail dress that clung to her body.

Tessa looked into the mirror they were stood in front of and smiled coyly at Ava in response to the compliment. 

"You smell good, too," the brunette's nose was now nuzzled into Tessa's neck as she inhaled the fresh scent of Tessa's body wash. As she spoke her hands moved slowly from Tessa's waist and towards the hem of her dress. Tessa sucked in the air around her before falling back against Ava, her head tilted upward and a tiny moan escaping her throat. Ava's hands continued, her soft fingers moving softly beneath the fabric of the dress and up Tessa's inner thighs. She traced ever increasing circles on the soft skin beneath her fingers before pushing aside the lace of Tessa's thong and sliding her finger across her clit, "you feel gorgeous, too," Ava rasped warmly into Tessa's ear. Tessa, surrender complete, felt her knees weaken as Ava worked her, bringing her almost to the edge before removing her hand, leaving Tessa weak and wanting. In one swift movement, Ava turned her and pushed her up onto the dresser, pushing her knees apart, before disappearing between her thighs. 

"Tess," Jordan's voice was accompanied by a knock on the hotel room door. 

"Fuck," Tessa's voice was low and broken as her hand fisted Ava's hair tighter. 

Ava got to her feet, pushed Tessa back hard against the mirror and sunk her fingers into her, "and I already knew how gorgeous you taste," Ava rasped in Tess's ear as she used her fingers to make her fall apart in her hands. As Tessa came, Ava clamped her hand over her mouth, making sure her sister couldn't hear from the other side of the door. 

"Tess?" Jordan's voice came through the door once more as Tess lay spent and panting on Ava's shoulder. 

"I'll answer the door," Ava smiled as she dropped a kiss into Tessa's hair, "you go clean up.".

With a quick kiss, over which she wished she could linger, Tessa slid off the dressing table and headed towards the bathroom. Ava checked her hair in the mirror before heading to the door.

"Sorry," Ava smiled immediately, "Tess is in the shower and I was getting dressed."

"No worries," Jordan smiled as she entered the room, "I know how long she can take to get ready."

Jordan took in the dressing table, its contents strewn and upended. Clearly Tessa was having a bit of nightmare getting ready. 

"I actually just popped up with a question from the caterers," Jordan smiled, "they're asking whether they should serve strawberries with the welcome drinks." 

"I'll go find out," Ava headed towards the bathroom. Tessa was just fixing her make up as the door opened.

"Don't even think about it," Tessa smiled, "I've not got time to do my make up a third time."

With a wide grin on her lips, Ava stepped towards Tessa and encircled her with her arms, her hands coming to rest on her ass, "I'll be thinking about it all night," Ava whispered, "seeing as I have to spend the entire evening pretending I don't know what you sound like when you come."

"Not exactly dinner table conversation," Tessa grinned in response. 

"True," Ava smiled as she left dropped a kiss onto Tessa's lips, "Jordan wants to know if you want strawberries served with the welcome drinks."

"Why not," Tessa smiled in reply, "let her know I'm almost ready and I'll meet her in her room in 10."

Ava left Tessa to finish getting ready and rejoined Jordan in the bedroom.

"It's a yes to the strawberries," Ava informed Jordan. 

"Great," Jordan smiled, happy to have an answer to take straight back to the chief caterer, "is she ok?" Jordan motioned to the mess of the dressing table, "looks like doing her own hair and make up for this may have been more stressful than she'd anticipated."

"Oh, that was my fault," Ava admitted,"I came past carrying my bag and sent the whole lot flying. Tess is fine, she's almost ready. She said she'd meet you in your room in ten minutes."

"Ok, great," Jordan felt more at ease once she'd been assured that her sister wasn't having a crisis, "see you both soon."

Tessa could hear the chatter from the foyer as soon as she stepped foot on the staircase that led down from the first floor landing. She took a deep breath and ran her hands down the front of her dress. 

"You're going to be amazing," Ava's words filled Tessa with the assurance she needed. Ava would liked to have put a reassuring hand to her back, left a peck on her cheek, stayed the night by her side, but she knew that was something Tessa wasn't ready for, and she respected that. If Tessa needed for them to be casual, that was what Ava would be. In truth, Ava could feel herself falling for the woman she spent so many nights entwined with. 

Tessa smiled at the kind words of support and flashed Ava a smile before she headed down the final few stairs and into the bustling foyer. Putting i  
on her best smile, she mingled with her guests, making small talk and thanking them for their attendance. 

Jordan circulated and helped with the small talk, ensuring that all of the sponsors felt welcomed and valued. After talking to Nivea Canada's Assistant Chief Director, she looked across the foyer to find Tessa. She smiled as she saw her circulating the crowd. She'd spent enough time at sponsor events and publicity evenings to recognise her sister's tactics; purposeful circulation of the room, engaging with everyone, a smile of genuine interest on her face, but moving swiftly enough to avoid being drawn into intimate conversations or difficult questions. She spied Ava on the other side of the room making conversation with a pair of men in black suits. She noticed Ava's eyes cut discreetly to Tessa's movement every now and again. Jordan felt pleased knowing that Tessa was not alone, knowing that there was someone she was able to connect with. After all of the hurt she suffered through her severance from Scott, the disappointment, the humiliation and the heartbreak, she was able to trust someone, to allow someone close to her. Of course, it was casual, or at least that's what Tessa maintained - Jordan knew from watching Ava that Ava was looking for more, felt more for Tessa than she knew Tessa was comfortable with her admitting - but it was contact and intimacy, and there was a time, in the aftermath of Scott's selfishness, when Jordan wondered whether Tessa would ever allow anyone close to her again. 

"She's workin' it," Ava's words cut through Jordan's thoughts.

"She is," Jordan agreed as they both watched Tessa, "thanks for being here, Ava. It's a big night for her and knowing you're her-"

"Hey," Ava smiled, "I'm here, casually, for the drinks and the food-"

"I know, I know," Jordan smiled, "and I'm not trying to meddle, Tessa's said you're both having some fun and -"

"Jordan," Ava smiled as she turned towards the older Virtue sister, "I think you know how I feel."

Jordan nodded in response.

"I know she's been hurt," Ava said quietly, "and I know she's come a long way, but healing takes a long time."

"Does she ever talk to you about him?"

"No."

"She has worked so hard in therapy with Gloria, I think she's stronger than us all. Perhaps she's starting to truly put him in the past."

"She dreams about him sometimes," Ava offered, knowing that Jordan was asking not because she was being nosey, or because she was controlling or possessive, but because she had been at Tessa's side through it all and knew her better than anyone else and could support her better than anyone else. 

"She talks to him in her sleep, pleads with him sometimes," Jordan said knowingly. 

"It's becoming less frequent," Ava commented.

"At first she used to wake herself up shouting for him," there was a crack of emotion in Jordan's voice as she spoke, "she would wake up suddenly and start sobbing. I could never make out whether she was upset that she kept dreaming about him, or that she kept waking up and he wasn't there."

"It must have been exhausting."

"Everytime she closed her eyes she lost him all over again."

Their conversation was interrupted by the announcement that they were now moving towards the ballroom. Tessa, having taken full control of her own event from the beginning, had carefully arranged the evening so that there was plenty of opportunity for her guests to meet and mingle. With the introductory ‘meet and greet’ over, it was time for them all to move into the hotel’s ballroom and enjoy glasses of champagne, strawberries and more networking before the formal dinner and speeches began. Tessa looked around as her guests started to move. There were men and women from across Canada here for her event, to support a cause in which she believed so passionately. The conception of the event, or of her own charity - Virtuous Futures - had not been difficult; empowering young women and supporting them in their business ventures was something that she was dedicated to, but the organisation of the event itself had been a challenge. There had numerous changes to the menu owing to the availability of ingredients or the chef’s requirements of the hotel kitchen. Speakers had been difficult to coordinate and the printing of the menus and information packs had been a long process. The work, and in many ways the stress, which the event had brought had kept Tessa busy, and for that she was grateful. She needed something to pour her energies into, and right now she was enjoying seeing her hard work come to fruition. 

“Tess,” Tessa recognised Danielle’s voice instantly and as she turned around the camera flashed on her brilliant smile, “congratulations,” Danielle’s arms encircled her, “this event is wonderful. Such a lovely energy in the room, and I know tonight is going to support so many women.”

“Thanks,” Tessa smiled as she returned the hug, “do people seem to be talking ok?”

“Tess, people are having a great time,” Danielle assured her, “look around, everyone is smiling and chatting.” 

Tessa did a sweep of the room and saw that Danielle was right - everyone was engaged in conversation, sipping champagne and enjoying the energy of the room. 

“Thanks for this Danielle,” Tessa’s smile was soft, saying more than her words, “and thanks for agreeing to speak tonight, I really do appreciate it and I know I don’t des-”

“Tess!”

“I know, it’s in the past and I know you were never mad at-”

“Never at you,not for a second.”

“And I appreciate that, but it was our tour and-”

“Tess, no one blames you, least of all me."

"Thanks," Tessa's smile was warm and sincere. 

"Tessa," a voice cut through the crowd and made both Tessa and Danielle turn around.

"Judy," Tessa smiled as the owner of the voice arrived alongside her, "it's so good to see you. Thank you for attending tonight," the women embraced before Tessa introduced Danielle and Judy to each other. 

The three women chatted for a few minutes about their business ventures. Judy owned a small cosmetics shop in Toronto, and Tessa had been using her products for a few months when she had planned the gala dinner, and she was one of the first women she thought of inviting. Judy was a kind and gentle person and believed in connecting humans with the earth she felt they had long since forgotten. Her products were 100% natural and she never wavered on her commitment to quality, even when it meant paying more than commercial brands and making less profit than she could. Tessa admired the way she was strong in her principles and felt she was the perfect person to support and inspire young female entrepreneurs. 

"I've left a little something at reception for you," Judy smiled, "just to help you relax and unwind after this evening "

"Judy, that's too kind, thank you," Tess blushed a little at the thought of the gift; she'd never been good at accepting the kindness of others. 

"My pleasure," Judy smiled, "thank you for arranging this wonderful evening, Tess, I know it means a lot to the young women you're supporting."

The clock above the ballroom door showed seven, and the waiting staff gently ushered people to their dinner seats. 

Tessa spied Jordan and Ava taking their seats at a table near the front. She was glad they had each other for the evening. As much as she had no intention of making her connection with Ava public, she did appreciate her support and was glad when Ava had asked if she could come to the dinner in support of her. Of course, to everyone else in the room, if anyone asked, she was a work colleague of Jordan's. Tessa couldn't help allow her eyes to linger on the long red dress that Ava was wearing. It's plunging neckline and tight waist made something flutter deep in Tessa's stomach. It was a feeling she pushed down, chalking it up to nerves, or the memory of Ava's earlier hotel room antics. 

"The sound check is done," a young man with a headset on appeared next to Tessa, "we're ready when you are."

Tessa quickly pulled her eyes away from Ava, and turned her attention to the stage as she walked towards it. 

It would be easy for onlookers to think that Tessa was at ease, that public speaking came easily to her, that her fame had made her immune to nerves. Nothing could be further from the truth. She felt nervous every time she had to speak in public. She had taken a few public speaking classes to help with such occasions, and she'd always managed to get through them and to say something of worth, but when she watched herself back on film she couldn't help but feel that she sounded robotic and over rehearsed. Tonight she wanted to sound passionate and genuine, to share her excitement and thank all the contributors for the money they had donated towards the charity and the lives of the women they were going to change. 

"Ok, stage is set," the young man informed her as he motioned for her to take the stage. With a deep breath, and a wide smile Tessa climbed the steps onto the stage and the room broke into applause. She sought out Jordan in the crowd in order to ground herself. Her sister’s eyes returned a kind and supportive smile that calmed her. Calming herself, getting in sync with the moment, was one of the things she’d had to relearn without Scott. Of all the lessons he’d inadvertently taught her it hadn’t been the hardest - that had been how to fall asleep at night between cold sheets and tangled doubt. The room fell to hush as her guests waited for her to speak.

“Thank you,” Tessa acknowledged the applause she had been greeted with, “thank you all so much for being here this evening and for showing your support for women in Toronto, in London and across Canada. We are here to inspire and support the next generation of female business owners and leaders. With the money you have donated tonight women across Canada will be able to turn their dreams into reality, to set up their own businesses and take control of their own lives. For some of the women you are helping the concept of being in control of their own lives is something sadly alien. Your donations will help women affected by domestic abuse and sexual exploitation to build their own enterprises and to take back the control that has been denied them for so long. Other women have worked tirelessly to develop an idea or a product that you will help to make a reality, By being here tonight, through the donations you have made, you will be transforming the lives of hundreds of women and providing them with the opportunity that many of you yourselves have been given through the kindness of others and your hard work. I am proud to stand before you as a woman, a business owner and an athlete and say that I want to empower women around me to realise their own success, I am proud to be the founder of Virtuous Futures and a woman passionate about supporting other women in a sisterhood of empowerment and opportunity. There are hundreds of stories sitting in this room, stories of adversity and success and passion and I hope that you all get the opportunity to share your stories and yourselves with each other as the evening unfolds. I have the great privilege of being able to call my first guest speaker a dear friend. I admired her work from the very first still and she has been there to photograph so many of the key moments in my life. She is a wonderful artist, a fiercely intelligent woman and a loyal friend. She is someone from whom I have learnt humility and the beauty of truth. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Danielle Earle.”

The room erupted once more as Tessa introduced Danielle and welcomed her to the stage with a hug and a few friendly and supportive words. Tessa stepped aside as Danielle spoke and listened to her friend’s words filled with intelligence and care. 

Following the speeches and videos showcasing the good work Tessa’s charity had already done to help women in setting up their own business ventures, Tessa took her seat at the table with Danielle, Jordan, Ava and a couple of the evening's key contributors. The food service started and the room settled into gentle conversation and the clinking of glasses and cutlery. 

“You spoke really well, Danielle,” Jordan smiled across the dinner table as she sipped at a glass of red wine.

“Thanks,” Danielle blushed, “I was really nervous. I don’t know how you do it, Tess, you make it look so easy.”

“Then I should clearly consider a career in acting,” Tessa laughed lightly, “because I was just as nervous as you, always am when I have to speak publically.”

“You spoke beautifully at your Walk of Fame inauguration,” Barabara, owner of one of the hottest new hotels in Toronto, smiled from across the table, “you and Scott had us all in tears.”

“That was an emotional day,” Tessa didn’t miss a beat, her smile didn’t falter, her breath didn’t hitch, testament to another lesson learned at the hands of heartbreak, “I was so nervous standing backstage. It all felt very overwhelming.”

“I can only imagine,” Barabara nodded. 

The conversation was interrupted by the serving of the starter. Ava took a moment, with the rest of the table occupied by their food, to find Tessa's knee beneath the table a leave a quick squeeze of support against her soft skin. Without making eye contact, Tessa smiled, letting Ava know that she appreciated her support and her presence. 

"Jordan," the grey haired man next to Tessa spoke after skewering a speak of asparagus with his fork, "Tessa tells me you're a lawyer. That must be interesting."

"It is," Jordan smiled at the polite conversation, "it certainly keeps me busy."

"What do you specialise in?"

"Family law."

"That must get emotional sometimes."

"It can," Jordan responded, "particularly where there are children involved."

"Of course. Tessa says you have a son yourself?"

"I do, Oliver."

"How old is he?"

"Just a little over two."

"Ah," Barbara joined the conversation, "a tricky age."

"He's certainly learning his own mind," Jordan chuckled in response, "they don't call it the terrible twos for nothing."

"My son seemed to regress," Barbara offered, "all the things I thought I'd taught him seemed to come undone as soon as he hit two."

"Oliver certainly seems to have unlearnt the rules of bed time," Jordan raised her eyebrows in a knowing gesture.

"And you, Ava, do you have any children?" Barbara's kindly voice invited Ava to join the conversation. 

"I don't," Ava replied with smiling eyes, "although, I have to admit I'm not the best at bedtime either."

This elicited a chuckle from the table and Tessa couldn't help but feel a spark run through her at Ava's quick witted comment. In fact, she and Ava had met for the first time in a setting not too dissimilar to the one they were in now. Jordan had invited her along to a dinner thrown by one of their firm's biggest clients and Ava was in attendance as a representative of the publishing house she worked for. 

With the meal over people started to mingle with their post dinner drinks, which gave Tessa the opportunity to speak to more of her guests and to thank them again for their attendance and support. Danielle circulated taking photos of the guests. Tessa smiled her way through various group photos and was glad it was Danielle who was there behind the lens. 

As the final few guests left the hotel, Tessa settled into an armchair at the hotel's bar. She was joined by Jordan, Ava and Danielle. The women were all sat in front of single shots of whiskey. Danielle brought hers to her lips and took a sip. 

"I'll send the photos to you before the end of the week," Danielle informed Tessa, "I took a few shots on my phone as well, I know you like to have a few nice shots to post online. I'll send you those over now." 

Danielle swiped the screen of her phone and shared the photos with Tessa. 

Across the table Jordan was yawning as she finished the final sip of her whiskey. 

"Well done tonight, Tess," she leaned over and pulled her sister into a hug, "I'm really proud of you."

"Thanks," Tessa smiled as she returned the hug, "and thanks for all of your help and support, tonight wouldn't have happened without you. I really do appreciate everything you do for me."

"Hey," Jordan wiped a year from her own cheek, "no tears."

"You might want to tell your eyes that, Jord," Tessa teased her sister. 

"Night Danielle, night Ava," Jordan smiled before leaving the bar and heading towards the stairs and her hotel room. 

"I think I should turn in too," Danielle said before finishing her drink, "well done on a wonderful evening, Tess." 

Tessa rose to kiss Danielle goodnight and promised to meet her breakfast.

"Night, Ava," Danielle smiled, "it was nice to meet you." 

"You too."

With her goodnights said, Danielle went to her room with the intention of soaking in a warm bath. 

"To a wonderful night," Ava lifted her glass towards Tessa's in a toast. 

"To a wonderful night," Tessa joined her, a soft and genuine smile shining on her lips.

"You were amazing tonight," the tone and volume of Ava's voice lowered, creating an intimacy between the two women, "I could have spent the whole night watching you," she whispered. 

"You know you can do more than just look," Tessa's reply was thick and sultry. 

Ava's eyes glistened with desire as her eyebrow raised, "I can do a lot more than just look."

"I think you proved that to be the case earlier."

"And that was working under time pressure."

"With my sister knocking on the door."

"Tonight I'm going to show you what I can really do," Ava's hand moved beneath the table and found the soft skin of Tessa's inner thigh. 

"Drink up," Tessa's eyes smiled as she downed what remained of her whiskey and gave Ava a look that told her she was going to spend the night giving as good as she got.


	4. Chapter Four

Scott stepped past the large beer barrel that stood in the middle of Jena's parent's kitchen and headed towards the BBQ that was cooking in the garden. 

"Scott," Jena's dad pulled him in with a strong arm, "this will be your anniversary one day, son."

"One day," Scott smiled at the older man, "forty years is a long time, Hank."

"And I don't regret a single day," Hank's proclamation was accompanied by a drunken hiccup, "Shirley has been my rock through it all."

"You're an inspiration," Scott's words and sentiment were genuine. 

Hank took up the tongs and headed unsteadily towards the BBQ. 

"Let me," Scott offered as he took the tongs from Hank's unsteady hands.

Scott served himself a small steak and a side of salad. He and Jena had arrived at the party over three hours before and Scott had sipped slowly on two beers. With Nate asleep in Hank and Shirley's guest room he wanted to make sure that Jena was free to enjoy the evening and the drinks that were freely flowing, so he had taken it slowly and gently, ready to be on hand in the morning to look after his son. He took his plate back inside in time to see a game of beer pong start up. Jena's brother, Chase was at the head of the table organising people into teams. 

"Hey, Scotty," he yelled across the dining room, "come team up, man."

"Sorry Chase, stomach come first," Scott replied as he held his plate in the air. 

"Fair enough, dude," Chase nodded in response, "never come between a man and his meat."

The room erupted into drunken raucous laughter as Scott acknowledged the joke and then moved to take a seat on one of the sofas to the side of the room.

"Nate go down ok?" Jena appeared beside him.

"After three rounds of that boat book," Scott smiled in reply, "we really need to get him on some new reading material!"

"I don't even need the book anymore," Jena chuckled in response, "I think I could tell it in my sleep."

"It's preferable to that farm book, I suppose," Scott added. 

"Jena, come on," Chase yelled at his sister, "Mom's gonna need all the help she can get."

"Sorry," Jena smiled as she pushed herself to her feet a little unsteadily, "family competition calls!"

"Enjoy!" 

Grabbing herself another bottle of beer on the way, Jena joined the rest of her family and the drunken chanting and hollering that was filling the room. Scott watched on, happy to have his plate of food as his excuse for not joining in. He popped a tomato chunk into his mouth before reaching into his back pocket and retrieving his phone. He swiped the screen and saw a message from Charlie waiting for him reminding him that he was due a visit to Ilderton soon and that everyone was looking forward to seeing Nate. He told Scott to check Instagram for a picture of the skate shop's weekend sale. He fired off a quick text in reply, letting Charlie know that he'd be home soon and that there were few people who could lure him onto social media and that Charlie should consider himself special and privileged. After pressing send he opened Instagram. He had few people on his personal, private account. He saw posts from his mom, a series of photos from Danny's trip to Niagara Falls. As he scrolled down to find the pictures of the skate shop he found, suddenly, his heart leap to his throat. Danielle's picture of Tessa at her gala dinner sat like a stealthy attacker waiting for him to walk straight into a trap. He instinctively took a large swig of his beer and felt it course through him with an immediacy only possible as a result of his shock. The shot was taken from beside the stage and showed Tessa, strong and smiling as she addressed her audience. She looked poised, in control and elegant. He felt his breath hitch. All he'd ever wanted for her was to be the best she could be, to do all the things she'd dreamed of; to soar. To see her there, successful and happy made his heart ache with a complicated mixture of peace and pride. He felt suddenly overwhelmed, and in truth, separated. Without a second thought he opened his message app and tapped out a message;

'Just wanted to say well done with the gala, it looked extraordinary.'

The message immediately felt hollow, but he knew he had no right to be texting her, let alone trying to connect with her. He pressed send without a second thought, knowing that if he stopped, his common sense would take over and he'd delete the message and return his phone to his pocket and attention back to the life he'd chosen.   
He flicked back to the picture and read Danielle's caption: "Amazing woman, amazing dress, amazing evening."  
His eyes paid attention to her dress for the first time. How he'd missed it he couldn't fathom. His senses filled instantly with the heat of the tour bus bunk, the smell of her on top of him the taste of her on his fingers. He turned off the screen and shoved his phone, and the past, into his back pocket before taking a last gulp of his beer and heading towards the distraction of Beer Pong. 

"Right, Chase," he bellowed as he approached, "get ready to lose, man."

"Bring it, Moir!" 

The game helped to fill Scott's mind and he actually found himself enjoying time spent with Jena's family, which was something he rarely experienced. Not that they were bad people not that he disliked them, but he had always found them a little overwhelming and sometimes crass. He found himself disagreeing with Chase and Hank and Shirley's other son, Hunter on most topics they talked about. Hank was more palatable, but his patriarchal dominance in the family was something Scott often found it tough to swallow. 

A scream went around the room as Jena sunk five of the seven balls she threw, putting her team into the lead. The game hung in the balance as Chase stepped up to take his turn. He downed a shot of scotch before flexing his muscles. Scott sipped his beer as he watched Chase prepare himself. Scott's ears tuned into another sound that floated beneath the shouting and laughter. His eyes immediately connected with the baby monitor on the counter and he connected the sound with his son's cries. He made his way through the crowd, turned the monitor down and headed for the stairs. 

"Bowing out, Moir?" Chase shouted after him.

"Letting you have your moment, Chase," Scott shouted over his shoulder as he left the noise behind and took the two flights of stairs to the bedroom where Nate was standing in his cot waiting for him.

"Hey," Scott soothed as he entered the room, "daddy's here, buddy."

"Daddy," Nate's voice came through teary hiccups as he put his arms out to Scott. 

Scott lifted him out of his cot and held him towards his body. Nate immediately started to quieten. Scott planted a kiss on his son's forehead and ran his fingers through his soft hair. 

"You hot, bud?" Scott asked as he pushed the boy's hair back from his forehead. 

"Drink,daddy?"

"Let's get you some water," Scott replied as he rummaged in Nate's overnight bag for a fresh cup and a bottle of water. He expertly transferred some of the water into a sippy cup without so much as breaking contact with his son. He put the cup in Nate's chubby hands and helped him to lift it to his lips. With Nate occupied with his drink, Scott went back to the bag and pulled out an electric ear thermometer. He placed the end in Nate's ear and waited for the small digital display to tell him his son's temperature. He found it slightly elevated but not at a level that warranted worry. 

"Let's get some air," Scott suggested as he grabbed Nate's blanket from his cot before opening the sliding door that led to a small balcony overlooking the sandy bay that Hank and Shirley's house stood on. He left the door slightly open in order to allow the room to cool a little and so that the balcony was filled with soft light. He pulled the lounger chair forward and put it into a slightly reclined position. He sat down and lent against the cushioned back of the chair before taking of his shirt and Nate's pajama top so that they were both bare chested. He lay Nate against his chest before covering them both over loosely with the blanket. At the skin to skin contact Nate immediately put his thumb into his mouth and relaxed. Scott dropped a kiss onto his head and lay still. He fished for his phone in order to let Jena know that Nate was fine and that he planned on staying with him for a while. As the screen of his phone lit up his face it was not her name he was expecting to see staring back at him. In fact, whilst with Nate he'd forgotten that he'd text her at all. He took a deep breath and opened the message. 

'Thanks. It was a great evening. Sorry about the Air Canada appearance.'

His heart jumped to his throat. The last thing she owed him was an apology. There was nothing that had happened between them for which she had to apologise. He rubbed Nate's back as he started to type a reply. 

'The women you're helping are very lucky. No need for an apology - it was the right decision. Plus, Daddy duty is keeping me pretty busy these days.' 

He scanned the message quickly before sending it, hoping that it was appropriate. She'd never met Nate, but he figured she must have seen pictures of him through his mom and dad. 

His stomach flipped as he imagined the message travelling through the airwaves and across the border. His eyes travelled to the sky, taking in the stars and the vastness of the world. He wondered how other people lived their lives, whether they were living lives as simultaneously joyful and painful as his. 

The speed of her reply took him by surprise. 

'Have you heard Kaitlyn and Andrew's news? They'll be joining you in your parenting life soon.'

He wondered whether Tessa realised just how cut off from their friends he had become. They were all adults and had pretended their were no sides to take, but he knew, when it came down to it, that his geographical distance from them all wasn't the only reason he was out of the loop. 

'No, I hadn't heard - news travels slowly down here. That's so exciting. I bet Andrew is thrilled.'

He felt Nate fully relax against him, sleep taking him gently. Scott adjusted slightly in order to make himself comfortable. 

'He is. Kaitlyn helped with some of the gala dinner arrangements so we met for coffee.'

He could feel her justifying her contact with her friends and immediately felt guilty. That their friends picked her over him was not something he'd ever want her to feel guilty about. 

'Looks like a lot of work went into the evening.'

'So much! It took me over a week to decide on the design for the menu.'

'Ever the perfectionist.'

'Of course.'

'It's a great cause. Will you get to visit with many of the women you'll be helping?'

'I hope to visit a few of them if I can.'

'That will certainly help with their sales.'

"Who are you texting?" Jena's voice made Scott jump.

"I-" her presence broke into the bubble he had created around himself. 

"Who were you texting?"

"Jena, I-"

"Her?"

"Jena, we haven't spoken in ag-"

"But you were tonight. Instead of celebrating my parent's ruby wedding anniversary you've snuck up here to-"

"Nate was crying, I sat down to settle him, that's all."

"Why is she texting you?"

"She had a thing-"

"A work thing?"

"Yeah, kind of, a-"

"We agreed, Scott."

"I know, and I haven't, before tonight, I haven't, I promise. I was up here on my own and-"

"You needed to talk to her?"

"No,no, it wasn't like that."

"What was it like then, Scott. Explain to me. Explain to me why you're sat here in the dark texting the one person we'd agreed you wouldn't talk to."

"Jena, I'm not hiding anything, I promise, I-"

"Whatever, Scott," with the words out she turned on her heel and left, leaving a trail of anger and a slammed door in her wake. Nate cried out, the sound making him jump. 

Scott put his hand to his son's back and closed his eyes. He'd thought their days of arguing about Tessa were in the past. Before they got married they'd spent hours arguing about Tessa. He'd proven himself again and again, each new test breaking a little more of the twenty two year partnership he'd nurtured. It was never enough, he'd turned his back on his best friend, broken her heart, and it still wasn't enough. 

***  
Tessa slipped her phone into the pocket of her jeans and pushed her glasses towards the bridge of her nose. 

"Still working?" Ava stood in the door at leaning against the frame. 

"Just finishing up," Tessa's voice crackled a little, as if she had been immersed somewhere deep beneath the surface of reality. 

"Good because I've just opened a bottle of wine," Ava smiled as she padded back to the living room and settled on the sofa. Tessa followed close behind her and took her place at the end of the sofa. Ava poured them both a large glass of wine and then reclined against the soft sofa. 

"You've been working a lot lately," Ava pulled Tessa's legs onto her lap and started to stroke her ankles. 

"I was just sending a few emails, that's all," Tessa couldn't help but notice the way her response sounded like a defence. 

"I wasn't passing judgement, Tess," Ava said softly as her fingers worked the soft skin of Tessa's feet, "I just want to make sure you're taking care of yourself that's all."

"I know, I'm sorry, I-"

"No need to apologise," Ava put her glass on the table and moved closer to Tessa, partly covering her body with hers, "the gala took a lot of work, and you're working on your book a lot, I just want to make sure you're getting some time to yourself as well, that you're relaxing. And whilst I can't write your book for you, and I possess zero percent celebrity status to help with your charity work, what I can do is help you to relax," her hand moved from Tessa's ankle and to her thigh. 

"You are good at that," Tessa smiled back. 

"I am," Ava smiled, "and I thought perhaps we might spend the weekend relaxing together. Just us, a trip to somewhere private, secluded, somewhere we don't need to worry about who is watching or what we're doing."

Tessa's lay motionless, her body frozen, suspended in time as her heart beat wildly in her chest. She felt the heat drain from her blood as her skin began to pulsate, the sound of blood beating in her ears filled the room. 

"I…," she pushed against Ava, pushing herself free from the sofa, her bare feet found the cool wood of the lounge floor, "no, I can't," as the words left her mouth she was already fleeing the room and the emotion it contained.


	5. Chapter Five

Tessa checked her face in the mirror before replacing the car's sun blind and heading towards Gloria's office. Her weekly appointments had started as an intervention; her mom and Jordan had intervened in order to help her, to push her towards the help she'd needed, but now they were about moving forward and gaining a deeper understanding of herself and the relationships in her life. She felt the immediate comfort of the foyer as she stepped over the threshold and from the outside world to the sanctuary of Gloria's office.

"Morning," the receptionist’s voice was warm and welcoming.

"Morning, Patti," Tessa sang as she moved towards the reception desk, "how are you?"

"I'm fine, thanks," Patti responded with a smile, "Gloria is just on a call, she'll be with you in a second."

"Great," Tessa smiled as she walked towards a tub chair that sat to the left of the reception desk. It was the chair Tessa always chose. It was the chair she'd sat in the first time she had visited Gloria at her office, her mom and Jordan waiting outside to make sure she hadn't planned an elaborate escape plan. She had thought about leaving, running away from it all, finding somewhere quiet and calm, somewhere she could start again and pretend the past didn't exist. 

"Hi Tessa," Mark was Gloria's husband and partner in the counselling practice they'd worked hard to establish.

"Hi, Mark," Tessa smiled, "how are you?"

"I'm great, thanks, Tessa. I saw the media coverage of your gala dinner, it looked amazing."

"It was a wonderful night," Tessa agreed, "the kindness of the sponsors was overwhelming."

"I'm sorry Gloria and I couldn't join you," Mark apologised.

"I understand," Tessa smiled, "and I really appreciate the donation you made."

"It's such a good cause, we were happy to."

"You know it's me she pays to talk to," Gloria's voice came from the doorway of her office.

"And she gets the privilege of talking to me for free!"

"Hi Tess," Gloria smiled as she approached. 

"Hey," Tessa smiled as she stood. 

The front door opened, letting in a gust of outside air along with Mark's client. 

"Good to see you, Tessa," Mark smiled before he headed off to meet his client, and Tessa and Gloria headed for Gloria's room. 

Tessa breathed in the calm scent of the room, allowing its tranquility to wash over her and seep into her skin. There was something almost magical about Gloria’s office, something that put Tessa at ease and made her feel safe. She thought about the first time she had stepped into the office, the way in which she had felt the walls close around her and her skin prickle with nerves. 

Tessa made her way towards the chair positioned in front of the large bay window that looked out onto the small garden at the back of the property. She sat slowly and then closed her eyes before taking two deep breaths, pulling the calm air from the room into her lungs and allowing it to settle over her heart. She rooted herself in the moment, reminded herself of the sanctuary she was in and then slowly opened her eyes. 

“So,” Gloria smiled, “tell me about your week.”

“It’s been busy,” Tessa smiled, “in a good way. The gala was a lot of hard work to arrange, but the evening, seeing everyone enjoying themselves and knowing that the money and the support was going to help to change someone’s life, made every second of work worth it.”

“Your work.”

“Yes,” Tessa smiled sweetly, “my work and I am proud of what I managed to achieve, but I wasn’t alone, I had support from Jordan and from Ava.”

“They have been a strength for you.”

“They have,” Tessa agreed, “Jordan has been a real strength.”

“And Ava?”

“She,” Tessa faltered slightly as she tried to sum up the role that Ava was playing in her life. It was not that she didn’t want to tell Gloria what she was feeling - she knew from years of therapy with Scott, the therapy she’d had on on her own during her career and the journey she was already on with Gloria, that lying was a fruitless exercise in growing and healing. The problem on this occasion was not that he wanted to withhold, but rather that didn’t know herself what she was feeling about Ava because she couldn’t open up to herself and to her own heart and her own emotions, “she asked me to go away with her.”  
“Away?”

“For the weekend,” Tessa clarified, “to take a trip for the weekend, just the two of us.”

“Sounds intimate.”

“It does,” Tessa worried her bottom lip with her top teeth, “it sounds intimate and…”

Gloria sat quietly as she waited for Tessa to work through the thoughts in her mind, arranging them into a sense of order that would allow her to make some sense of them and let them out into the room. 

“...and...well...I didn’t give her an answer.”

“Do you feel that she understood that you couldn’t give her an answer straight away?”

“I didn’t...I didn’t give her the chance to understand,” Tessa bowed her head slightly, “I...she asked me and I, I didn’t give her a chance to understand because I ran.”

“Ran?”

“We were in my apartment and she asked and I ran upstairs and then she left.”

“When was this?”

“Last night.”

“I see,” Gloria smiled kindly, “it must have been a difficult situation to be in.”

“It was,” Tessa agreed, “but that doesn’t excuse the way I acted.”

“No,” Gloria smiled, “there is no excuse, but is there reason? Understanding?”

“I hope so.”

“Can you identify the feeling you had when she asked you?” Gloria asked gently. 

“Fear,” Tessa said quickly, “like a wave of heat engulfed me and it was difficult to breathe.”

“Is it a feeling you’ve had before?” 

“Fear?” Tessa asked, of herself more than for clarification from Gloria, “I spent many years of my career feeling scared. Scared to go out onto the ice, scared to go into surgery, scared to fall, to fail.”

“And you felt like you did when Ava asked you to go away with her for the weekend?”

“No,” Tessa said slowly, “no, it wasn’t the same feeling. I worked so many years in therapy to control my feelings, to eliminate the fear, but this, this was uncontrollable and unlike anything I’ve felt before.”

“When you were competing what did you fear most?”

“In the early days, when we- when I - was younger, the fear was about not being the best, about not winning. Later, it was about letting him down, when my legs were hurting and I didn’t know if I could skate again I was scared that I would ruin his career and his chances and I didn’t want to hold him back.”

“That was a lot to put on yourself.”

“It was, and he was putting the same kind of pressure on himself, I learnt that later, during the comeback when we cleared things up and went to therapy together it became clear that we were both fearful of letting each other down and that was holding us both back in some ways.”

“And you overcame that fear?”

“We learnt to manage it.”

“And with Ava?”

“It’s not the same fear, it’s not about letting her down or about skating.”

“What is it about?” Gloria’s words cut straight to the chase, something that she knew Tessa needed of her sometimes. 

“I think,” Tessa picked at her thumb nail as she spoke, “when I met Ava it was...she was…what we were doing, it was casual and we were having fun and that’s what I wanted...what I want.”

“Does a weekend away mean that has to change?”

“No,” Tessa answered, “not the weekend, but…”

Gloria heard the pause in Tessa’s thoughts and knew she had to support her thought process, “were things changing before she asked about the weekend?”

“We’ve been spending more time together,” Tessa observed, “she came to the gala dinner.”

“Did you ask her to?”

“It, well, it wasn’t a conversation we had...or didn’t have...it just wasn’t a conversation at all, it just...” Tessa stopped as her thoughts started to come to the surface of her mind, “it just seemed natural, I suppose, there wasn’t really a question around whether she would be there.”

“How did you feel with her there?”

“I appreciated it. I more than appreciated it; when I was nervous, waiting to go onto the stage to speak, looking out into the crowd and seeing eyes staring back at me, being surrounded by people who were all waiting for me to engage them in intelligent conversation, I would look for her and focus on her and feel this sense of calm fall over me.”

“Like she gave you strength.”

“LIke she gave me strength and comfort and a sense of solid ground.”

“Is she the first person to give you that?” Gloria already knew the answer to the question she was asking. In the time she and Tessa had been working together, Tessa had always wanted for them to focus on her recovery. When Jordan and Kate had decided to enlist Gloria’s help the women had told her that the thing at the forefront of their purpose was getting Tess stable and well. They knew that she needed to work through what had happened with Scott and to lay some demons to rest, but they knew Tessa well enough to know that she wouldn’t be able to do that whilst also trying to find her way back to a clear and stable mind. Tessa had always compartmentalised, it was what had made her such an extraordinary athlete. She was able to put things into boxes in her mind so that the distractions were tidied away before she went onto the ice. Tessa and Gloria had worked hard together to get to this point where Tessa could talk abuot her own feelings and so that she could start to work on some of her own passions, like the gala. Whilst Gloria knew the narrative of what had happened between Tessa and Scott, she and Tessa had not yet explored it and what it meant to Tessa emotionally. Now, it seemed, they were about to begin to. 

Tessa sat in silence, breathing in and out through her nose. 

“No,” she said quietly, “no, she’s not. Scott...he gave me that, he was...but he took from me and...and...with Ava…”

Gloria knew that Tessa was close to saying something that she hadn’t said to her before, probably hadn’t said to herself before. She had sat opposite a remarkable young woman for months, a woman who was strong and was taking her life and her healing into her own hands, but she also knew she was sitting in front of a woman who had, had her heart broken and was only now reaching the point where she could delve into the depths of the pain and the hurt that she had suffered and begin the process of deep healing. The healing she needed to truly move on with her life and find herself able to love again. 

“He took…,” the words were buried deeply, “a lot,” was all she could say, was what she settled on, “he took a lot,” she repeated, her voice clearly still in the depths of her thoughts as the realisation came towards her through the smoke of her pain and sadness. 

Gloria allowed silence to fill the room, a silence she knew Tessa needed. 

“Perhaps,” Tessa’s thoughts started to surface, “I don’t know, I suppose, perhaps that makes me hesitant with Ava.”

“Trust can be fragile.”

“I never trusted anyone like I trusted Scott,” Tessa’s words were raw as they left her mouth before she had time to control them and stop them. 

“And he hurt you.”

“He left me,” there was a bitter edge to Tessa’s words as she spoke, “ he left us, he left everything we had planned everything we’d made together…” Tessa’s voiced weakened as she spoke. 

Tessa felt the heat that had enveloped her turn to ice as her words left her. She thought about the night before and the texts that they had sent each other. She wondered why she’d even responded to him in the first place. 

“He text me,” her words had a mind of their own. 

“Recently?”

“Last night.”

“Before Ava asked you to go away with her?”

“Before Ava asked me to go away with her,” Tessa’s thoughts seemed to take on a sense of clarity. 

“Did you argue with him?”

“No,” Tessa said weakly, “no, we didn’t argue. It was...it was...I don’t know, it was friendly.”

Gloria let the silence sit once more. 

“I don’t know why I answered. I mean, we are in contact when it comes to work - sponsorship commitments and things - but it’s never been more than a few words in an email, never anything other than professional and business like.”

“And last night?”

“He sent me a text to congratulate me on the gala and I replied, we talked about our friends, it was brief, only a few texts.”

“How did it make you feel?” Gloria asked, “hearing from him?”

“I didn’t feel anything,” Tessa replied, “or at least I thought I didn’t, but then I ran off from Ava when she was just trying to make a nice suggestion. A suggestion that is not out of sync with how we have been with each other lately.” 

Tessa rubbed her face with her hands, “I need to apologise to Ava, to explain to her.”

“Is that something you can do?”

“It’s something I want to do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Six sees Scott take a trip to Ilderton with Nate.


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy this chapter. I know this is a slow burn, but it will get there, and when it does it will be worth it!

Tessa pulled her case towards the front door, grabbing her keys from the hallway table as she passed. The wheels of her case made a satisfying and deep sound as they glided over the wooden floor. Just as she was about to pull her coat from its hook, she felt Ava's slender fingers encircle her wrist and pull gently. She found her body pressed against Ava's before Ava spun her around, her back against the wall next to the front door. Ava's delicate perfume filled the space between them as their lips met, Ava initiating a gentle kiss. 

"I know you're not going to let me do this once we leave the house, so I'm taking my chance now," Ava's lips left Tessa's for a moment before making contact again, this time the kiss was deeper and more passionate. Tessa responded with a smile and her tongue, pushing it into Ava's mouth. Having left their taste on each other's lips, Ava moved her hands to Tessa's hips. 

"Thank you," she smiled. 

"For kissing you?"

"For being honest with me last night. For opening yourself to me. Tess, I don't have any plans for the future, I don't know where this is going, but I know one thing; I'm not going to push you - there's no expectation on you, no pressure. But, most importantly, I promise, Tess, that I'm not going to hurt you."

Tessa inhaled, chasing the ball of emotion in her chest down into her stomach. 

"I appreciate how honest you were with me," Ava continued, "and I understand how much Scott hurt you. I'm proud of you for starting the journey of dealing with what he did and I am here for that journey in whatever way you want me."

Tessa's lips seemed to automatically find Ava's as she responded to her sentiment, her kindess and her words. 

"Thank you," she whispered against Ava's soft lips, "thank you."

The previous evening, following Tessa's session with Gloria, had been long and emotional. Tessa had opened up to Ava more than she ever had, laying her heart bare in order to explain and to apologise for running from her. Whilst Tessa had shared some of her past with Ava, which added to what the world already knew, or thought they knew, about the cancellation of the 'Rock the Rink' tour, she'd never spoken to her about how things had happened between her and Scott, not really, not in detail. The night before hadn't been about detail, and it hadn't been anywhere near the whole story - Tessa wasn't ready to hear that herself, let alone tell it to someone else, but it had been closer to the truth than she'd ever let anyone else. Ava had been perfect; understanding and supportive. They'd talked long into the night before deciding that they'd still get away for the weekend, somewhere private and secluded. They'd woken up early, both eager for the other and the opportunity to connect physically after the emotion of the previous evening. With fingers deep inside each other they'd rocked together, each focused on the other's pleasure. 

"Let's get going," Ava smiled as she let go of Tessa's waist, "sooner we leave, the sooner we will be hidden from the rest of the world and I can have you all to myself." 

"And have your wicked way with me?" Tessa grinned. 

"You have no idea," Ava whispered seductively as she dropped a soft kiss on Tessa's lips before opening the front door and heading for the car.   
***  
Nate's eyes widened, his forehead pressed against the plane's small window as he watched the wheels make contact with the faded Tarmac below. 

Scott had always enjoyed the short flight from Toronto to London and he was happy to be sharing in Nate's excitement. He'd taken the flight with his son before, but up until this point, Nate had been too young to appreciate it, so seeing him discovering the joys of flying for the first time was a moment Scott thoroughly enjoyed. They disembarked and headed into the airport. Scott smiled at those who recognised him, and held Nate close to his chest when cameras were produced. Unlike during his days with Tessa, he didn't stop to speak to fans or to take photos. He wanted to transit through the airport and to the safety of his dad's car as swiftly as possible. Nate cuddled close to him as they made their way to the arrivals lounge, and Scott was sure to keep the little guy informed about their progress and how Popp would be waiting for them on the other side. As soon as they emerged into the arrivals area, Scott spotted his dad waiting to the side of the crowd. It had been his spot for the past fifteen years, always where he'd met Scott and Tessa when they got home from their competitions, sponsor events and their travels. Scott felt a pang of sentimental nostalgia rise in his chest as he thought of the past and of all the times it had been someone else he'd been reassuring as she stood beside him, desperate to clutch his hand.

"Hey, big man!" Joe said sweetly as Scott handed Nate into his dad's waiting arms. Nate immediately snuggled into his grandad. 

"Hey, son," Joe smiled at Scott as he took his grandson in his arms and headed for the exit. 

"Hey dad," Scott smiled as they made their way to the exit, "he's grown hasn't he!"

"He certainly has," Joe smiled, "so quickly."

"Sorry it's not been more than video calls for a while," Scott felt the immediate need to apologise, he hadn't any intention of keeping his dad's grandson from him, but schedules and weather and Jena's work just seemed to have got in the way.

"You're here now, " Joe responded, "and we are looking forward to the weekend with you so much. Mom's organised a family meal for tomorrow evening."

"Great," Scott beamed, "it'll be so good to see everyone."

They made it to the parking lot and Joe settled Nate in the child seat in the back of his truck. They chatted about the flight as they made their way through the streets to Ilderton. Scott felt a sense of calm wash over him as the landscape became familiar; fields stretching away from the road on either side of them. Coming home had always made Scott feel at peace, but as they drove towards his childhood home he felt something different, something more. 

"Your mom's at the rink," Scott's dad informed him, "she said to drop in if you like."

"Maybe I'll head over later," Scott replied, "Nate's due a nap otherwise we'll all have to suffer his grumpiness later."

Joe said no more, leaving his son to his explanation. In reality, he knew Scott hadn't been near a rink since he split with Tessa, and he had a feeling it was somewhere his son was trying to avoid. 

They pulled up in front of the house and pulled out the back packs that Scott had brought for himself and Nate. Scott was pleased to see that nothing had changed at his parent's house - it was still the same place he'd grown up, and the same place he'd left to move to Florida with Jena. Nate toddled towards the door, grabbing for Joe's hand as they entered the house. Scott immediately allowed the house to sink into his skin. The hallway smelled of cinnamon from one of his mom's favourite candles, and he noticed that the walls were adorned with the latest pictures he'd sent of Nate. 

"Tea?" Joe asked as he made his way down the hallway and towards the kitchen. 

"Please," Scott replied as he dropped his and Nate's bags onto the floor beside the staircase. 

Nate was watching Joe intently, his eyes following him around the kitchen. Scott smiled as he watched how mesmerised Nate was. He felt a pang of guilt and regret run through him as he realised how much his parents had missed out on with their grandson. He made a promise to himself there and then to return home more often and make sure that his son had the benefit of fantastic grandparents to guide him, and so that his mom and dad got the time with Nate that they deserved. In young Scott's vision of the future he had lived within shouting distance of his parent's Ilderton home and his children had run in the fields of corn as the sun set and the fire started to crack against the darkening sky. Back then life had seemed to lie ahead of him so obviously, the town of his own childhood the back drop against which his emerald eyed children laughed and played. 

Scott's thoughts were interrupted by the presence of Nate as he crawled up onto his lap, his small fingers rubbing at his droop lidded eyes. He scooped his son up into his arms and held him close. 

"One minute he's wide awake, the next he can barely keep his eyes open," Scott smiled as he looked down at Nate, who had now curled himself into Scott's body. 

"Creeps up on them so quickly," Joe agreed with a smile as he set a steaming cup of tea down on the table next to Scott, "Mom set the cot up in your room," Joe informed his son. 

"I'll go and put him down," Scott smiled as he rose from his chair, Nate lazy and half asleep in his arms. 

Scott climbed the stairs to his childhood bedroom, being careful not to wake Nate up in the process. Getting Nate used to an afternoon nap had been a long process, and Scott had spent many afternoons trying to coax the overtired two year old to sleep. In the end Nate had learnt that fighting sleep was really quite pointless, and now he gave in almost immediately. Scott striped him of his trousers and t-shirt, leaving him in his button up vest, and unlikely to overheat as he slept. He placed a light kiss on his head before lowering him down into the cot that his mom had positioned at the side of his bed. He noticed the worn blue blanket that had been his comfort blanket as a child draped over the cot's high end. He smiled as he fingered the material, it's texture reliable and comforting. In almost all of his preschool pictures he could be seen clutching at that the blanket's corner, the material flowing behind him like a train. He wondered if his mom had noticed when it he had taken it from the bottom drawer of his dresser when he and Tess moved away. He'd never admit it, not wanting to seem like a baby, and not wanting his mom to worry about him living away from home at such a young age. He remembered the night he and Tessa had snuck into his bedroom late one night after practice and snuggled together under its faded fabric, clinging to each other and to the memories of a home that seemed so far away that they thought it possible it no longer existed. 

He held the blanket to his nose and inhaled deeply. It smelt of the warmth and safety of the distant past. He shook it out before placing it gently over Nate's sleeping form. With a last look at Nate's peaceful face, Scott scooped up the baby monitor before stepping lightly across the room and towards the door. 

Once downstairs he found his dad in the back garden. He was knelt on all fours in front of the patio decking. From the large pot of varnish stationed at his side, Scott could tell that his dad was in the process of resealing the wooden decking slats in order to prevent them from warping. 

"Paint brushes are in the shed," Joe informed him. Scott picked his way past Joe's tools and his empty tea mug before rummaging around in the shed and emerging with a large paintbrush with a stained wooden handle. He settled at the opposite end of the decking to his father and applied the varnish in long strokes. 

"Have you had a chance to do much in your garden?" Joe enquired as he loaded his paintbrush with varnish. 

"I've started the play house," Scott replied, "but not got much past the frame. I had wanted to have it finished sooner, but it's difficult to do it with Nate about. He's starting to get into everything."

"I remember when you boys were that age," Joe chuckled fondly, "your mom and I were rushed off our feet trying to keep you all safe and entertained."

"It certainly is a full time job," Scott smiled, "but the best one."

"No regrets about giving up the coaching?"

"None at all, Scott replied, "not for Nate, for the opportunity to watch him grow."

"And how's Jena?"

"Fine."

A silence fell between them and the sound of paintbrush against wood filled it. 

"Things have a been a bit tough," Scott didn't look up from his work as he spoke, "we've been arguing a but lately."

"All couples do."

"I know," Scott's voice dropped to a half sigh, "I just seem to spend so much time apologising only to get things wrong again. I think I've understood and learnt and that I will be better next time, and then the next time comes around and I feel I've learnt nothing at all."

"Can you talk to her, you know, about how you feel?"

"Sure," Scott's repose was instantaneous and made Joe wonder to what extent his son was trying to convince himself with his own words, "it's just been a bit difficult lately with Jena doing so well at work and being given more responsibility. She works longer hours and when she comes in late, there's not much of the evening left and I don't want to spend it arguing."

"Talking or arguing?"

"Arguing," Scott admitted, "it always ends in an argument, anyway." 

"About?"

"Anything and everything. Nate,affection...Tess."

Joe was taken aback by Scott's final word. 

"I thought you'd come to an agreement with Jena about Tess?"

"That I'd not be in contact with her other than for work."

"And?"

"That's all I've done," Scott said slowly, "I texted her to congratulate her on her charity gala," Scott admitted. 

"That's not exactly work, son."

"I know, and I wasn't trying to be unfair or unfaithful," Scott explained, "I saw the photos of the gala and...I just… she's doing well and, I wanted-"

"You made a choice, Scott."

"I know, I know."

"Have you and Jena spoken to anyone? A therapist?"

"I suggested it," Scott replied, "I want our relationship to work, I love her. I'll do anything, but Jena doesn't see the point, she said we can talk ourselves, that we don't need someone else in our relationship."

"Is it something you think would help?"

"I known it would," Scott said with certainty, "it worked for me and Tess when we were skating. We would have fallen apart, professionally, without it."

"If you feel strongly about it, you should go back to Jena with it," Joe advised, "marriages aren't all high note romance, they take work, and Jena need to be willing to do that work with you."

Scott sighed deeply as he took in his dad's advice, "I know," was all he could say in response. 

The men spent the following hour painting the decking and chatting about their family. Nate's murmurs on the baby monitor coincided with Alma's return from the rink. She quickly pulled Scott into a long overdue hug before heading upstairs to greet her grandson. Over the baby monitor Scott heard Nate's cries of excitement and happiness as his grandmother lifted him from his cot and lavished him with kisses and attention. 

"Hey," Scott smiled at Nate as he sat in Alma's arms, "good sleep?"

"Awake!" Nate informed Scott, worried that he was headed back to his cot for more nap time.

"I know you're awake, buddy," Scott smiled at Nate as he ruffled his hair, "don't worry, I'm not going to make you nap again."

"Do you want some juice, sweetie?" Alma asked Nate. 

"Juice, please," Nate replied before looking towards Scott, knowing his dad would be pleased with him for remembering his manners. 

"Well done," Scott beamed as his son sought his approval, "good manners."

Alma kept Nate at her hip as she ran the tap to make him some watered juice. 

"Did Dad tell you I was at the rink?" Alma asked casually as she took a sippy cup from the cupboard next to the hob. 

"He did," Scott replied, "but Nate needed his nap and I helped Dad with the decking."

Alma knew her youngest well enough to recognise his avoidance of the rink, but she didn't push him. 

"Everyone is coming round tomorrow night," Alma's smiled as she sat down at the kitchen table, Nate on her lap, "I thought we'd BBQ, like the old days."

"Sounds perfect," Scott made eye contact with his mom, his eyes soft and full of affection. He was so happy to be home, and an evening with his family felt like the perfect salve for the tough times he was experiencing in his marriage. He knew they would take his mind off it, envelope him with their love and make him feel like he belonged. 

The next morning started early as Nate woke up restless and teary. Scott navigated the small space between his bed and Nate's and picked him out of his cot gently. He felt his son mould against his body as he tucked them both tightly beneath the sheets of his bed. He whispered a tune to Nate as he dozed back to sleep, his warm body filling Scott with an overwhelming sense of love and the desire to protect the small body that lay against him. He fell in and out of sleep, the walls and ceiling of his childhood bedroom swirling in a torrent of memories as he hovered on the edge of sleep. He searched the white ceiling above him with his eyes, looking for the maple leaf he'd discretely scratched into the newly applied paint over 20 years before. He found it tucked in the corner, just where he'd left it, a secret only he knew. A secret he'd only ever shared with Tessa. He remembered how they lay on his bed for the entire evening as she searched the ceiling for his crafty piece of art work. He'd tired of holding in the information and begged her to let him point it out, but ever the stubborn over achiever, Tessa had insisted on finding it herself. He'd curled up next to her, running his fingers through her hair and playing with the belly button piercing that had appeared on her midriff. 

"Daddy?" Nate's voice reached out from his slumber, "toast?" 

Scott looked through the morning gloom at his watch; 6am.

"I think we can manage some toast," he smiled as he left a kiss on Nate's head of soft hair.

Alma joined them in the kitchen just as Scott was cutting up Nate's toast. 

"Sorry, we didn't mean to wake you," Scott apologised to his sleepy looking mother. 

"Nothing I'm not used to," Alma smiled as she headed for Nate's high chair and kissed him good morning, "you boys always did favour late nights and early mornings."

Scott passed Alma Nate's toast and set to making them both a cup of coffee.

"I think the flight yesterday left him without the opportunity to burn off much energy," Scott explained as he spooned ground coffee into the coffee machine, "he woke up really early."

"And he napped yesterday," Alma added, "perhaps we should get out and get active today." 

"We should," Scott agreed, "shame about the weather," he motioned towards the kitchen's window and the rain that was patterning against it. 

"One of those indoor soft play centres has opened in London," Alma informed him, "we could take him there for a few hours?" 

"He loves going to those!" Scott's enthusiasm at the idea was clearly evident by the way he jumped at his mom's suggestion, "we go to one after Toddler Music Time on a Wednesday and he loves playing with the other children. He's got a little friend called Corey who goes to the class and then the soft play every week too. You should see how cute they are together, helping each other up to the slide and burying themselves in the ball pit!"

"Sounds like a 'must', then," Alma beamed, Scott's enthusiasm proving infectious. 

Within a few hours, the three Moirs were, washed, fed, dressed and driving towards London. The car was the stage for a preschool sing-along , and Nate had already kicked his shoes off in preparation for his play session. 

The play centre, despite its relative newness, carried the characteristic whiff of smelly feet that Scott had become accustomed to. Nate, as ever oblivious to the smell, was bouncing next to Alma at the reception counter as Scott paid for a session for Nate in the soft play and a table and coffees for him and Alma. 

"I'm sorry, but there aren't any tables available at the moment," the kind faced woman behind the counter informed Scott, "we have a rather large birthday party in today, so we're quite full. The party will be moving upstairs to eat in around half an hour, there should be more availability then. Would you like me to reserve a table for you for about half an hour's time?"

"That would be great," Scott smiled, making sure the woman knew he wasn't in any way annoyed or put out. One of his strongest dislikes was the rudeness some people showed towards others, especially those in service positions. There seemed to be so many rude people in Florida, it was something that he really disliked about where they lived.

Having signed a disclaimer and paid for the play session, Scott guided Nate over to the edge of the soft play area. He'd expected Nate to feel a little anxious at the idea of playing on his own without any of his friends, but Nate was eager to get going and launched himself head first into the nearest ball pool. The play assistant stationed in the ball pool was quick to get acquainted with the toddler and helped him to scramble up a nearby obstacle wall so that he could jump into the balls once more.

Alma and Scott watched with grins on their faces and waved at Nate as he showed them his climbing accomplishments. The noise in the centre was pretty deafening, and the music played above the din of screaming children only added to the cacophony. There was tables stationed around the edge of the main play area and each one was littered with coats, shoes, bags and snacks. Scott noticed fellow parents watching their children with a mix of joy and trepidation as they hoped they played nicely with other children and that no accidents befell them. After several rounds of jumping into the ball pool, Nate joined a group of toddlers who were to be taken around the course by one of the play assistants. Scott giggled as he watched Nate stand nicely next to the play assistant, showing his best standing still skills.

"Look how well he's trying to behave," Scott giggled as he pointed out Nate's actions to Alma. 

"He's trying to hold that boy's hand,"Alma giggled in response. 

They both looked at Nate and felt an overwhelming sense of love and protection for the young boy. 

With a look over his shoulder and a quick wave to his dad and grandma, Nate was off with the rest of the group to enjoy the soft play course. Scott and Alma were able to watch him clamber over some spongy rollers before his disappeared into a giant tunnel into the belly of the soft play area. 

"Coffee?" Scott asked once they could no longer see Nate. 

"Please!" Alma replied with gratitude: the energy of the play centre had made her feel tired all of a sudden. 

Scott left his mom and headed over towards the small cafe bar that was located at the edge of the play area. Had he not been looking over his shoulder in an attempt to catch a glimpse of Nate, perhaps he would have noticed her hair, or perhaps the way her shoulder was pinning her phone to her ear, or even recognised the sound of her voice as she laughed at what the person on the other end of the line was saying. He felt that had he been paying any attention at all, at first glance he would have thought his ex-best friend and skating partner was standing at the cafe bar, and not her older sister, Jordan. 

"Scott!" Jordan was the one to turn around and see him standing there staring at the coffee menu, "hi."

"Jordan," his mind seemed to go blank, intelligent words escaping him, "hi."

"Hi."

"You need coffee too?"

"Coffee, I do."

A muffled voice from the other end of Jordan's phone interrupted their conversation. 

" Tess, I'll call you back," Jordan turned her shoulder away from Scott as she spoke into the phone, "yeah...nothing...the play centre...London...OK...I'll call you later," Jordan pressed the screen to end the call before slipping the phone into he pocket of her jeans. 

"I didn't mean to-" Scott began.

"You didn't," Jordan reassured him, the awkwardness hanging heavily between them. 

"Your order madam?' the barista suddenly entered Scott and Jordan's awareness. 

"Sorry," Jordan blushed as she tried to compose herself, "coffee," she managed, "please."

The barista set about making the coffee Jordan had requested.

"I'm here for a birthday party," Jordan informed Scott as she tried to make conversation, "Ollie is," she corrected herself, "my son, Ollie is here for a party."

"I'm here with my mom and my son," Scott replied. 

"Your son," Jordan nodded, "of course, your son."

"Nate," Scott informed her. 

"Your coffee," the barista interrupted again as she handed Jordan her coffee. 

"Thanks," Jordan responded as she took the cup. 

"And two coffees for me," Scott informed the barista as Jordan added sugar to her drink.

"Daddy!" Nate charged into Scott's leg.

"Hey, you," Scott smiled, "are you having a good time?"

Before Nate could answer Ollie arrived at his side.

"Hey," Jordan smiled at her son, "are you two making friends?"

"Jumping," Ollie squealed as he threw his arms around Nate before they were both in fits of laughter tickling each other. 

Jordan and Scott looked at each other the boys' heads, neither of them could help but smile at the boys' enthusiasm for each other. 

"Do you need a drink, Ollie?" Jordan asked when she noticed her son's hair flattened against his head by sweat. 

"Please," Ollie replied.

"Nate, are you thirsty? Scott asked.

"Drink, please," Nate nodded up at his dad. 

"Two kids' drinks as well, please," Scott smiled at the barista. 

Scott handed the boys their drinks and they both said thank you aztnd smiled before heading back towards the play area. 

"Thanks," Jordan smiled at Scott, "here let me pay you-" 

"Don't be silly, Jordan," Scott laughed kindly, "it's just a drink of juice."

"That's kind of you,thanks," Jordan smiled.

Scott reached across the counter and took his and Alma's coffees from the counter.

"I saw the pictures of you and Tessa at the gala dinner," Scott said as he poured milk into his mom's coffee,"it looked like an amazing evening."

"It really was," Jordan's voice took on a tone of slight caution, although there was a till a soft kindness that told Scott he hadn't alienate her with his comment, "Tess worked really hard to make it happen."

"I could tell, " Scott replied with a smile, "I'm glad it worked out well for her."

"Me too," Jordan agreed, "she is really thriving right now," Jordan felt the edge in her own voice and felt immediately protective of her sister, the pain Scott had caused her suddenly rising to the surface in the air between them. 

"Good," Scott's answer was instantaneous, and he hoped it sounded as genuine as he felt it to be, "I'm happy for her." 

"It's been a long road, Scott," Jordan's control was slipping,"and she'll wonder what we were doing here together today."

"But she'll know it wasn't planned?"

"Of course," Jordan's voice was a little short, "but you being back here in London wasn't something either of us was expecting."

"I'm just visiting," Scott reassured Jordan, "I'm here seeing my parents."

Jordan rubbed the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger, "sorry, Scott," she sighed, "you have the right to visit your parents without justification, you have the right to live wherever you want, you both do. I just came over all protective because I know Tessa will be left wondering right now and it just-"

"Jordan, please, it's fine," Scott assured her, "I understand, and the last thing I'd ever want to do is come between you and Tessa."

Perhaps fortuitously, their conversation was interrupted by a play assistant announcing that it was time for members of the party group to eat. 

"That's me," Jordan informed Scott after the announcement was made, "I'd best go and find my sweaty child."

"You should," Scott smiled, "enjoy the rest of the party. It was good to see you, Jordan."

"Good to see you, Scott," Jordan said as she made to leave, her hand slipping into her Jean pocket to retrieve the phone that she knew would be displaying several missed calls from a single number.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next we join Tessa for her weekend away with Ava, during which she gets a message from Scott.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ava and Tessa go away for the weekend and there are so many steps forward...and then backwards.  
This takes place at the same time that Scott is in Ilderton and London. Hopefully it all matches up well enough to be understandable.

Tessa opened her eyes to the sound of clattering. It took her mind a while to catch up with her eyes and realise where she was. They had arrived at the lodge in the woods late the night before and hadn’t even unpacked before falling into bed, exhausted. Ava had picked out a secluded spot. The lodge sat in a clearing in the thick forest and the previous night, as they had been engulfed by the lonely sounds of their car tyres snapping twigs below them, Tessa couldn’t help but think about the horror films that Scott and Patrick had insisted they watch when they had hotel nights on the Thank You Canada tour. She half expected a deranged clown to jump from behind a tree and appear, face glowing, in the windscreen. 

“It’s not that creepy in daylight,” Ava had assured her with a smile as they unpacked the car, grabbing only the essentials needed for a night’s sleep before heading into the lodge.

Tessa left the bed and padded sleepily towards the small window. Drawing back the curtain, she saw that the surroundings were far more welcoming in the daylight; the trees no longer loomed ominously above her, but rather swayed gently in the breeze as they did their work of protecting the lodge’s privacy. Confident that she had not woken up in a horror movie, Tessa pulled a cardigan around her shoulders and headed towards the kitchen. 

“Perfect timing!” Ava chimed as she turned to greet her, pan in hand, “I was just about to come and wake you; breakfast’s ready.” Ava slid the hot pancakes from the pan and onto two plates, she sprinkled each stack with fresh blueberries before drizzling generous amounts of maple syrup onto each plate. 

“These look great,” Tessa smiled as she sat down and received the plate Ava offered her, “what a great way to start the morning!”

Ava took a seat next to Tessa and they both munched hungrily and silently. Ava poured them both a cup of coffee, and as Tessa sipped at hers, she felt the day start to come into focus and her energy rise. 

“How did you sleep?” Ava asked. 

“Well,” Tessa replied, “once I'd convinced myself a mad axe man wasn’t going to jump out of the trees and dismember us as we slept.”

“Best way for it to happen,” Ava smiled, “we wouldn’t know anything about it if we were asleep.” 

"Our bodies would be found by the cleaner."

"Not the way I imagined going," Ava grimaced, "although in bed with the Queen of Canada isn't the worst way for it to happen," she smirked.

"Truly scandalous!" 

"Jordan would be left with some explaining to do," Ava smiled, "perhaps she'd just deny all knowledge, keep the secret."

A stony silence fell across the breakfast table. Tessa looked down at her plate. 

"Hey," Ava patted her hand, "I didn't mean anything by that, we were kidding around, it was just a joke."

"I don't want you to think I'm keeping you as some kind of secret because I'm embarrassed or ashamed," Tessa explained quietly. 

"I don't feel like that," Ava replied, "I mean, it's nobody else's business but ours anyway, and like I said to you last night; I have no expectation here, no plan. We like spending time together that's all there is to say right now."

"Hmm," Tessa's mind seemed less clear than it had after their conversation the evening before and she wondered whether the relationship was really fair on Ava. 

"You don't need to worry about me," Ava read her, "I am a big girl and can take care of my own feelings. I wouldn't be here with you if I didn't want to be. I make my own choices."

Tessa considered Ava's words, "I understand and accept that, but if that changes, if you find someone you want to have a long term relationship with, someone who can give you more than I can commit to right now, I don't want you to worry about hurting my feelings and holding back and exploring a relationship with someone else."

"OK," Ava nodded, truly listening to what was being said, "I promise, I will be open hearted and honest."

"OK, " Tessa smiled, feeling instantly better and more settled. 

"So, what do you want to get up to today?" Ava asked with renewed enthusiasm, the air cleared.

"I don't know," Tessa smiled, "it seems criminal not to get out in the woods with them around us like this."

"I was thinking the same," Ava drained the dregs of her coffee cup, "when we were kids we used to play this game when we were out walking where we had to find the most unusual thing to bring home. The only rule was that it had to be natural."

"OK," Tessa smiled, "I like the sound of that game," she beamed as she stood up and cleared away their breakfast plates with eager enthusiasm, "what's the prize? "

"The most usual object," Ava smiled.

"Right," Tessa smiled, "of course."

"I can make you a gold medal if you prefer," Ava smiled as she pulled Tessa towards her and against her body, "but you have already got a few of those," she encircled Tessa's waist with her arms. 

"They're for boring stuff," Tessa smiled as she let her own hand rest on Ava's hips, "most unusual object found in the forest is a much more interesting competition to win."

"OK, well, the winner gets a gold medal," Ava agreed, "and the loser gets to choose the outfit the winner wears to the medal ceremony."

Tessa furrowed her brow for a second. Whilst she always took care over her appearance and selected nice clothes to wear, Ava had never shown any interest in fashion, so what the winner wore to the ceremony hardly seemed likely to be something she cared much about. Perhaps, Tessa thought, she was being kind as she knew that with her experience of the game she was going to win and she wanted for Tessa to have something significant to look forward to as the loser. She smiled at her own recognition of Ava's kindness. 

"Deal," Tessa beamed, sealing the arrangement with a kiss before skipping towards the bathroom to shower. 

There was a calmness to the mid-morning air that allowed Tessa to feel a sense of space around her, as if the world had suddenly opened around her. Looking up at the trees, she realised that it was perhaps the feeling of being dwarfed and the resulting feeling of insignificance that created the peace she felt fall over her. Ava walked in silence beside her as she scanned the ground for a winning entry for their competition. 

“Did you spend much time outside as a child?” Tessa asked as they ambled with a liberating lack of direction.

“We were always outside,” Ava replied, “my dad is a botanist and he has a love of the outdoors, so we spent most of our time as family outside. At the weekend we used to go out in the morning with a vague route and then just explore. Some days we’d walk miles and go home with aching feet and then other days we’d barely make it a mile because we were exploring a woodland or drawing plants.”

“Sounds idyllic,” Tessa smiled. 

“Sometimes,” Ava smiled back, “when we were younger we didn’t know any different, and then we became teenagers we were aware of what our friends were doing and then we were a bit more resistant, but my dad stayed positive with us.”

“Are you glad he did?”

“Absolutely,” Ava replied in a heartbeat, “it gives me roots, a solid ground. No matter what’s happening, how stressful things get,I know that I can get out amongst the trees, on a hilltop, deep in a valley and get my perspective back. It’s reliable and non-judgemental and there, always there.”

Tessa breathed deeply. She knew exactly what it felt like to have solid ground to rely on, to know that there was always somewhere to return to. Except for her, it hadn’t been a tree or the sky or the air in her lungs, it had been a person and perhaps, it dawned on her at that moment, that was the problem. People were fallible, they weren’t the flawless solidity of nature. Instead they were complicated by emotion and mind and desire. She kicked at a stone that lay at her feet as the thoughts rolled through her mind, freed by the space she had found. 

“I guess your childhood was different?” Ava asked. 

“Well, it wasn’t spent outside,” Tessa laughed, her thoughts fading back into the darkness of her mind and the past, “and once we moved away from home there wasn’t much other than school, the rink and the gym.”

“Must have been tough.”

“Hmm, sometimes,” Tessa agreed lightly, “but it was amazing too. I mean, to do something you loved every day and to know that there was always something to get lost in.”

“Did you feel a lot of pressure?”

“Not to begin with,” Tessa replied, “that came later and it wasn’t so much pressure from others, I realised later anyway, I mean there was pressure, competition is pressure, but the real pressure, that came from myself.”

“You were young.”

“Yeah, and, you know, just because you’re an athlete doesn’t mean you don’t go through the normal life stages that everyone else does. I was still a teenager, a young woman, working out relationships and love and lust and everything else that comes with growing up.”

“If anything it’s harder to go through those things, I imagine.”

“I don’t know, really, it was all we ever knew, so we had no real concept of how it could have been different. I think the thing that was the most different was sharing your every hope and dream and moment with someone else. But, again, we didn’t know any different, not at the time.”

Ava felt the moment shift and became aware of the openness that Tessa was showing her. She left the space open and empty to step as she wanted. 

“And that closeness was what made us the team we became. It wasn’t always easy,” Tessa looked down as she spoke, “but even the arguments made us stronger in the end. And once we really started to understand each other things started to fall into place in a way we knew they always had the potential to but couldn’t grasp when we were younger.”

“When did that happen?” Ava asked, “when did you really start to understand each other?”

“Once we decided on the comeback,” Tessa said without needing to think, “we discovered who we were as people, as a partnership, as lovers, as a couple.”

Ava felt the emotional energy that was vibrating through Tessa’s final two words.

“You were good together then,” it was half a statement, half a question. 

“The best we ever were,” Tessa replied, “everything was on our terms and I...I...I had everything I wanted and we were cocooned in our own world, our own time.”

“Sounds like a special time.”

“It was,” the note of sentimentality in Tessa’s tone was enough to tell Ava that the conversation has reached its end point. 

As they continued their walk they chatted about their work and families, keeping the conversation light, the wounds that had been shown air were below the surface of their interaction, but they were being treated with kindness and care, Ava able to read the situation and show the compassion that she knew Tessa needed from her. 

“Okay,” Ava smiled once they were back at the lodge, “time for the moment of truth.”

Both women headed towards the large wooden table that sat in the middle of the kitchen in order to reveal their finds and judge their competition winner. 

Tessa’s entry for the competition was a chunky twig on which there were three small snail shells. The shells stood empty and moss was growing along the planes of the twig. 

“That’s cool,” Ava smiled as she picked the twig up from the table, “they are sat in a perfect pattern.”

“I’ve never seen empty shells before,” Tessa smiled, “makes me feel like there’s a real story behind why they are there, that’s what I liked about it when I saw it.”

“Ever the storyteller,” Ava smiled kindly as she admired the way Tessa never failed to see life in everything she saw. She knew that once Tessa’s book was completed, it would sell well and that many people would take a lot from it.

“What did you find?” Tessa asked, eager to see what Ava had selected from their walk. 

Ava placed a stone on the table. It had a smooth grey surface and running through it, in a perfect line, was a red line of rusted metal. 

“Wow,” Tessa’s eyes were wide, “how has that even happened?”

“I’m not sure,” Ava smiled with a shrug, “and that’s what I liked about it. It’s not explicable but it’s wonderful, I like that there is wonder without explanation, it just ‘is’ and I like that.”

“I like that too,” Tessa agreed. 

“We need to judge a winner,” Ava reminded her. 

“Hmm,” Tessa thought about how they could decide on a winner when they were both participants.

“As the most experienced competitor, I think I am fit to judge the quality of entries,” Ava reasoned, “you don’t have any previous experience to draw upon in order to know how rare and unusual these finds are.”

Tessa thought for a moment; Ava’s logic was perfectly flawless to her. 

“I think that sounds fair,” Tessa agreed. 

“Ok,” Ava turned her attention to both entries that lay on the table in front of her, “now, a stone and a twig, nothing unusual there, so both entries have comparability on that score. So, we should consider the factors that make each piece unusual. Mine has metal running through it, and that is an unusual feature. Yours has three empty snail shells, which is not unusual in occurrence, but the fact that there are three and that they are sitting in perfect symmetry makes for an unusual feature. So, we should consider to what extent they meet the requirements of the competition. The task was to find the most unusual natural thing. Yours, there is no doubt, is totally natural. Mine. however, is really the culmination of the natural and the man-made, as the metal is likely to have been processed before it joined with the stone. Therefore, I think yours best meets the competition criteria and I think it is fair and right that yours is considered the winning entry.”

“Yay!” Tessa smiled and did a faux victory dance. 

“A very worthy winner,” Ava smiled as she clapped, “now, you need a gold medal. You go and rest in the lounge whilst I prepare for the ceremony,” Ava instructed. 

“And, don’t forget, you get to choose the clothes for the ceremony,” Tessa’s eyes flashed with the thought of dressing up, “although, I am not sure I’ve brought clothes worthy of such an event with me.”

“Oh, I think you have,” Ava said casually, hiding her pleasure and excitement over the attire she had planned for Tessa, “you rest, winner, I am just going to rustle up a medal for you.”

Ava rummaged through the kitchen drawers for some string. She found twine underneath the sink and used a knife to cut a length from it. A circle of cooking parchment paper made for a somewhat curled and crinkly medal, but its homemade imperfection made Ava smile. She cut a small slit in the top of the imperfect circle of paper before threading the twine through it and tying a knot in order to complete the lanyard. She smiled at her work before heading back to Tessa. 

“Ok, we’re ready,” Ava smiled as she walked into the lounge, hand outstretched to Tessa, who was sat on the sofa, her legs curled beneath her body. 

Tessa smiled and took Ava’s hand. Ava pulled her up from the sofa and stood in front of her before sliding the medal into the back pocket of her jeans. 

“Ok, before you are awarded your gold medal, we need to get your ceremony clothes sorted,” Ava smiled as her fingers found the buttons of Tessa’s blouse.

“I have some-” Tessa began. 

“I’m in control of the outfit,” Ava’s voice was low and hot in Tessa’s ear, “loser’s privilege, remember,” as she spoke her fingers found the final button of Tessa’s blouse before it was pushed back off her shoulders and left to fall to the floor.  
Tessa chuckled as she realised what Ava was up to, her chuckle was quickly swallowed by an intake of breath as Ava’s lips found her collar bone at the same time her fingers unclasped her bra and the slight chill of the air found her bare chest.  
Ava’s lips and fingers worked in perfect synchronicity as she kissed down Tessa’s body whilst removing her trousers and underwear. 

“This is my favourite outfit of yours,” Ava rasped as she ran her hands down the slides of Tessa’s naked body, the feel of her warm, soft skin beneath her fingers setting her stomach alight.  
Tessa exhaled deeply as Ava’s words sent a pulse of want through her. 

“And now,” Ava pulled back from Tessa’s body and reached into her back pocket to retrieve the homemade medal, “time for the winner to be awarded this wonderful, exclusive and very expensive gold medal,” she looped the medal over Tessa’s head with a smile. 

Tessa felt the cold metal pressed against her bare skin as the smell of Olympic ice filled her senses, the echo of metal blade slicing ridges into the newly treated surface as the flickering candle light danced on its smooth surface, met her ears before she was lifted off the ground, warm, tired, naked bodies meeting in an explosion of love and passion and glory. 

She physically shook the past from her head, grabbed Ava by the shoulders and crashed her lips into hers as she pushed her backwards and downwards onto the sofa. Tessa’s hands found the waistband of Ava’s jeans and her fingertips left marks as she tore them from her legs before straddling her, knees either side of her hips, and reconnecting their lips. 

“Winning suits you,” Ava smiled as she responded to the sudden ignition of Tessa’s passion. 

Tessa was brought back to the moment and she smiled at Ava’s words, a smile that made a connection between the two and helped her thoughts of Scott and their after hours visit to the Gangneung Arena dissipate. Tessa’s eyes told Ava to stay still, to lie back and enjoy being the loser of their little competition. Ava felt a freedom in Tessa that she hadn’t experienced before. Their sex had always been great, but Ava had always been in control, always taken the lead. Naturally, Tessa’s inexperience with women had been the initial reason for this and Ava understood that, but as they became more comfortable with each other, a shift had never taken place, an equilibrium never settled. So now, to feel Tessa being master of the situation, was a new and exciting feeling for Ava. Tessa’s lips felt warm against Ava’s stomach as she left a trail of soft kisses that tracked from her right to left hip She felt the tips of Tessa’s fingers skim across the skin of her inner thigh before they delicately traced the a line between her legs as she opened her up to the naked air. She loved the way Tessa touched her, her fingers always so delicate and caring as they felt the beat of desire thrumming through her body. Ava's head fell back, her eyes rolling to the underside of her skull as she felt Tessa's finger glide through the wetness that was beginning to pool and drip. What she wasn't expecting, was the warm flick of Tessa's tongue against her clit.

"Te-," Ava tried to intercept. 

"Shh," Tessa's words were accompanied by a squeeze of Ava's left hand that told her Tessa didn't need to be told that Ava didn't expect her to go down on her for the first time just because she'd brought them to a secluded lodge or because she'd just awarded Tessa a homemade medal. Tessa's squeeze of Ava's hand was to tell her that she knew what she was doing and why and that there was no need for a conversation.

Lying sated and wrapped in each other, Ava languidly stroked Tessa's hair as her head lay against her shoulder. 

"I'm not sure who was the winner in all of that," Ava's voice purred against Tessa's bare shoulder as she left a kiss on her soft skin. 

"Definitely me," Tessa smiled in reply, "no one else in the world has one of these medals," she touched her fingers to the now twisted and twine that was still around her neck.

"I'm guessing no one else in the world has been eaten out by Tessa Virtue, either," Ava deliberately employed a playful tone.

"No," Tessa's voice was more serious, "no, you're the first."

"It was good," Ava reassured her, aware of the delicate goods she was dealing with, "you know I wasn't waiting for it, though, that I've never ex-"

"I know," Tessa interrupted as she stroked Ava's thigh, "I've never felt under pressure from you, not to do that, or to do anything else. I wanted to do it."

"I just didn't want it to be a response to what's happened here and what's been said, I didn't want it to be today because-"

"It's wasn't about today," Tessa said confidently, "it was something that I had only ever had done to me in the past, something that only Scott had done and I needed time for it to be something we did, I didn't want to do it to you like he did it to me,but that was all I had to go off until I learnt from you. When I did it I wanted it to be about us."

The honesty thickened the air.

"Thank you," Ava said with a kiss to the top of Tessa's head, "thank you for sharing that with me."

Tessa didn't say anything, instead she snuggled closer to Ava, letting her know that there had been a shift in their relationship in that moment and the recognition of the trust Tessa had shown in Ava meant a lot. 

Their peace was interrupted by the ringing of Tessa's phone. She unfolded herself from Ava's limbs and reached into the pocket of her discarded jeans in order to retrieve her phone. She showed Ava Jordan's name flashing on the screen. 

"I'm going to leave you to chat," Ava placed a quick kiss on Tessa's cheek, "I'll head out for a run."

Tessa returned the kiss before heading for the bedroom, her bathrobe and a chat with her sister. 

"Where are you?" Jordan asked, "you sound like you're underground!"

"In a cabin," Tessa said as she pulled on her robe, "in the woods. With Ava."

"Very nice!" Jordan's smile was audible, "I am in a plastic pit of smelly feet!"

"Another soft play session?" Tessa couldn't keep the amusement from her voice.

"This one is a birthday party," Jordan moaned, "there's finger food, cake and birthday games to endure!"

"Well, if you will breed such beautiful and friendly children, Jord."

"He is pretty gorgeous," Jordan's voice was filled with pride, "he's making friends with everyone, even kids who aren't at the party."

"That's my boy," Tessa smiled. 

"Scott!" Jordan's voice seemed to fade on the other end of the line. 

"Jordan?" Tessa received no reply, "Jordan are you still there? "

A voice deep and familiar reached Tessa's ears, a voice that belonged in the past, not on the same line as her sister. 

"Jordan?" Tessa felt panic begin to rise in her chest, "Jordan, is that Scott?"

"Yes. Tess, I'll call you back"

"Where are you?"

"The play centre"

"I know that," Tessa was exasperated, "where?"

"London."

"Is he listening?"

"No."

Tessa's heart began to beat wildly against her chest. 

"Tess, I'll call you back," the line went dead and Tessa was left in the deafening silence of the lodge. The emptiness bounced against the wooden walls and echoed around her. She pulled her robe tighter around her body. Without thinking, she unlocked her phone and called Jordan's number, desperate to reconnect with someone, the call rang out before going to answer phone. She called again and got the same response. She left the bed and paced the room. He wasn't supposed to be in London! London was hers, it was her home, her safety, he had no right. Anger bubbled inside of her. She stopped herself, swallowed deeply, regulated her breathing. There was no threat here she told herself, nothing was happening to her. She was safe and she was reacting. She closed her eyes and thought about the work she'd done with Gloria. She'd learnt about perspective and about the way in which her brain acted out the evolutionary principles of fight or flight. She had reacted, that was all, she was now beginning to take back control. She sat on the edge of the bed, drawing deep, cleansing breaths into her lungs, imagining the pure energy of the bright light that filled her chest. Scott had been through trauma too, she told herself, he had hurt too, and she needed to understand and act with compassion. Of all the things she'd learnt, it was futility of anger that lay the deepest within her. A calmness feel over her and she sat with it for a few moments. 

"Hey," Ava's voice was ragged and breathless when it cut through Tessa's thoughts half an hour later. 

"Hey," Tessa replied with a lightness that was half way genuine, "good run?"

"Great," Ava replied as she wiped sweat from her brow, "but I'm starving. Dinner after I've showered?”

"Sure," Tessa replied as she watched Ava disappear into the shower. 

Tessa headed for the cupboards and the food Ava had packed for the trip. She found olives, thick bread and hummus; even she could manage the preparation of such items! She pulled out two plates and set them on the kitchen counter before starting her search for two wine glasses. She felt her pocket vibrate and knew that it would be Jordan checking to see if she was OK. She chastised herself for not texting first and for not apologising for her dramatic behaviour. She licked some errant hummus from her index finger before sliding her phone from her pocket and swiping the screen to life. She froze when she saw his name staring back at her, the message already auto opening. 

_Hey, just wanted to apologise for earlier. Didn't mean to butt in on your phone call with Jordan. I'm visiting my folks and just bumped into Jordan at the play centre. Sorry. _

Her fingers were flying across the keys before she had time to think, the positivity and understanding she'd gained in her pursuit for perspective drove the words before she had chance to regulate her thoughts. 

_No worries. Enjoy your time with your folks...and the smelly play centre._

There was a split second between the ‘send’ button losing its colour and Tessa’s regret rising to the surface, bubbling to anger and the phone being thrown across the wooden floor of the lodge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter - Tessa returns home and seeks Gloria's advice.  
I'll hopefully get the next chapter posted a bit more quickly that this one. As always, I am so grateful for the chance to discuss this work with you all. Thank you for reading.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this.

Tessa let out a cleansing breath before bringing her focus into the room. 

“Welcome,” Gloria smiled kindly, “how are you feeling?”

Tessa took a moment to think, putting her feelings carefully into perspective before sharing them with Gloria. Motes of life floated through the air in front of her, their chaotic movement doing nothing to help her find order, but also offering her an affinity of discomfort. 

“Frustrated,” Tessa decided upon, although she wasn’t sure it covered exactly what she was feeling, not accurately, not really. 

“With?”

“Myself,” Tessa’s exhalation was a sigh, “I went away with Ava,” Tessa explained, “we spoke after I was here last and it was exactly what we both needed.”

“That’s positive,” Gloria offered, “it must have taken you a lot to enter into conversation about something you felt vulnerable about.”

“It was,” Tessa agreed, “positive, I mean, it was positive. Ava has this way of understanding what I say even though we both know it isn’t the full explanation.”

“Isn’t the full explanation?”

“That there is more to say,” Tessa explained, “that I am not able to tell her everything, that there is more to it than she knows, but she’s ok with that.”

“She hears what isn’t said?”

“In a way,” Tessa agreed, “but she doesn’t know what she hasn’t heard,” Tessa explains, “it’s not like she reads the subtext, more that she understands that there is subtext, but that she doesn’t need to know what it is right away.”

“That must make her easy to talk to?”

“It does, it really does. I explained to her about why I panicked when she asked me to go away with her. And she listened, she really listened. We talked about our relationship and the lack of expectation we have about it. She was so open and understanding and, I...I felt bad in someways.”

“About your relationship?”

“About what I am giving in return,” Tessa paused, “she is understanding and open and accepts that I don’t want a serious relationship and that I don’t want us to be public, and yet she is still with me. That makes me feel bad, that makes me feel like I am using her, taking advantage.”

“Have you told her that?”

“She said that she can look after herself and that she knows what she is doing and that I can’t be responsible for both of us in our relationship.”

“Do you agree?”

“It’s too logical to disagree with,” Tessa was quick to respond, “but love isn’t about logic.”

“Do you love her?”

“No.”

“Does she know that?”

“Yes.”

“Then you’re being honest?”

“Yes.”

“Then what other responsibility can you take?”

Tessa paused for a moment as Gloria’s words entered her mind, “none.”

“The only person you can be responsible for in a relationship if yourself, Tessa. Responsible for what you say, the love you give, the honesty you share and the way you treat the other person, but you can’t be responsible for the other person’s love and feelings and actions.”

Gloria’s words were like a fireflies hovering in the room; so obvious in the darkened landscape. 

“That makes sense,” Tessa said slowly. 

“Perhaps you haven’t had a relationship like this before?” Gloria prompted, “in which you feel responsible for yourself and not the other person?”

Tessa’s silence filled the room. Gloria gave her a moment to think; to reflect and digest. The older woman would have put money on her continued silence and the fact that it would be her own words that broke it. She knew Tessa was listening and taking in what was being said with a developed understanding, but she also knew that there were some wounds that were still too raw to be tended. 

“You said you were frustrated,” Gloria’s words flooded the room, “doesn’t sound like a frustrating situation so far.”

“No,” Tessa agreed, coming back to life, “no, we had a lovely weekend. Ava picked out somewhere secluded, we spent time in the woods, we cooked, ate, it was nice. We got closer than we ever have before and I felt comfortable with her. I felt happy and calm.”

“And?”

"Jordan called from home and Scott was there."

"At Jordan's house?" 

"No, no," Tessa was quick to correct Gloria, not wanting her to think that Jordan had been in any way disloyal, "they were at a children's soft play centre in London, Jordan and I were on the phone, Scott spotted her and spoke to her."

"And you overheard him?"

"Yeah," Tessa replied, "and Jordan ended the call, it was awkward for her."

"And for you?"

"I...I..," Tessa struggled to get her mind straight, "I panicked, initially, in the moment, I panicked."

"Was it the same feeling as you had when Ava asked you to go away for the weekend?"

"No," Tessa's answer was definite, "no, it wasn't like that. It was different."

"Can you say how?"

Silence filled the air between them until Gloria realised Tessa didn't have the words to respond to her question. 

"I tried to refocus, to concentrate on the moment and to gain perspective, like we talked about."

"Did it help?"

"Massively,' Tessa nodded, "I managed to calm down and realise that my body was reacting, not my mind. I knew I could get back in control of the situation if I was able to bring my awareness to my mind, and once I’d done that I felt better. When it happened, when I first heard him, I felt panic, then I felt anger. I felt like he'd invaded my space, that he had no right being in London."

Gloria was impressed by the he control Tessa was showing as she told her about the situation, "sounds like you coped well."

"I did," Tessa's voice left enough unsaid for Gloria to pick up on the undertone that ran beneath her words. 

"But?"

"The he text me."

Silence again. 

"Saying?"

"Sorry, that he hadn't meant to interrupt the conversation. Explaining why he was in London."

"Did your feelings change?"

"It happened before I could think," Tessa was explaining to herself as much as to Gloria, "I saw the text, I heard his apology, and before I knew it the reply was written and sent."

"How did you feel?"

"Angry."

"At?"

"Pause," Tessa put her hands to her face. 

"OK," Gloria remained calm, but clearly understood Tessa's instruction, "you've paused, that's fine, let's just take a second to focus on where we are."

Gloria had taught Tessa the 'pause' technique in one of their early sessions. She used it with her clients as a way to help them to refocus on situations and to avoid the escalation of frustration. The word pause told Gloria that Tessa was struggling to answer questions about the situation she was describing because she was confused about the way she was feeling in the present moment. Gloria knew that being able to recognise when emotions and feelings were coloured by unease and frustration was a key factor in Tessa's ability to explain and understand herself. 

"OK," Gloria said softly, "we're moving away from the weekend for a moment and from the event you're describing," she gave Tessa space to take a mental step back, "and we're thinking about how you feel in this moment as you're trying to describe how your felt."

"You asked me how I felt when I text him back," Tessa explained, "and I can't give you a real, clear answer. That's partly because I don't understand how I felt and the reason I don't understand how I felt is because when we talk about it, as we're talking about it right now, I just have a numbing jumble of emotions in my head. I feel angry, but I feel sad, I can't see clearly, I can't hear properly, I just can't get clarity."

"OK, " Gloria smiled, "well done. You knew when to pause and you're being articulate in explaining where you are at the moment. Tessa, it's OK that you don't know how you're feeling about this and it's OK that's it's something that we need to work on."

Tessa nodded, feeling some of her unease start to lift. 

"Contact with Scott, both at the time it happens and once you reflect upon it, is a source of confusion at the moment. I think it's something we should explore in more detail?"

"I agree," Tessa nodded.

"And I think whilst we do that, the best approach is to have absolutely no contact with him."

"I agree," Tessa repeated. 

"Are there ways I which you can ensure that happens?"

"Yes," Tessa assured her, "Jordan can help me with calls and emails," Tessa was already feeling lighter at the idea of knowing that she couldn't be taken by surprise by contact from him."

"I think that will put us in a good position to be able to discuss and explore your feelings and reactions," Gloria set about assuring Tessa that she was making a positive step forwards. 

"I think a clearer mind is what I need for this exploration, and this will really help me to gain that."

"OK," Gloria smiled, "this has been a tough, but good session. Now, I know you will go away and think about today, about our discussions and about the work we're heading towards doing together. And thinking about our sessions is important. There's a lot to think about and a lot to discuss in the future, some things more difficult than others to address. I want you to think about the one thing that you don't want to think about at the moment, the one thing that you know will take time. I want you to write it on this slip of paper," Gloria slid a pen and a square of paper towards Tessa as she spoke, "and then fold it up and leave it here. It will be something we'll address later, something that I know we'll need to be gentle with, but for now, for today, it's something that doesn't leave this room with you. Write it, fold it, and leave it here."

As instructed, Tessa uncapped the pen and wrote on the piece of paper before folding it three times and returning it to the table. The lack of deliberation over what to write was not lost on Gloria. 

The women said their goodbyes, each thanking the other for the session and offering blessings of peaceful afternoons. 

Once Tessa had left, Gloria retrieved the piece of paper from the table and unfolded it gently. She held it in the fingers two simple words stared back at her:

_his son_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter we see Scott's return to Florida after his weekend in Ilderton.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter captures the complexity of feelings in Scott and Jena's relationship. More little nuggets of info for you to digest here - don't worry, all will be explained in the fullness of time!

Scott opened the door to Nate’s bedroom carefully and quietly. The night light that glowed softly in the corner of the room provided just enough light for Scott to see that his son was sleeping soundly, his little hands gripping the blanket he had brought home from Ilderton . Their flight from Toronto had been delayed, making their arrival home late and, as Scott had hoped, Nate was sleeping in to make up for the lost sleep. 

“He’s still asleep,” Scott whispered with a smile as he entered the kitchen. 

“It was a late night for him,” Jena replied as she stirred a pan of oatmeal. 

“He had such a good time,” Scott beamed as he padded over to the coffee machine, “you want to look at the photos from the weekend over breakfast?”

“I don’t have time,” Jena’s reply was curt. 

“Sure,” there was little that could be done to quash Scott’s good mood, “maybe later. I can fix dinner for us all and Nate can tell you about it himself.”

“Sounds great,” Jena replied with some genuine affection in her voice at the thought of spending some time with her son. 

“Great,” Scott replied as he poured himself a large cup of coffee, “let me know what time to expect you and we will be ready.”

Jena ladelled some of the oatmeal into a waiting bowl and grabbed a spoon from the utensil holder that sat next to the stove. She moved silently towards the cupboard and and sprinkled a small amount of sugar into the steaming bowl. 

“There’s a fair in London this coming weekend,” Scott said as he stationed himself at the breakfast bar, “Nate was so excited at the thought of going with his cousins and his grandma, we can all go together, it will be a nice family weekend away.”

“It’s Claire’s hen party this weekend,” Jena almost spat her words out as she took her place at the breakfast bar, “I told you that last week.”

“Oh, of course,” Scott silently cursed himself for forgetting that she had told him. He knew that it made her angry when she thought he hadn’t listened to her, “sorry, I remember now that you said that. Well, we can go alone this time, we’ll still have fun, but we should make sure that we go together soon - my mom and dad would love to see you.”

“Would they?” Jena could no longer hold back the anger that was inside of her and it began to seep through the pores of her skin. 

“Of course they would,” Scott spoke with a furrowed brow, “why wouldn’t they?”

“No reason,” Jena took a mouthful of oatmeal, leaving a silence she knew would goad Scott into the argument she was desperate for him to create. 

“No,” frustration contorted Scott’s features, “what do you mean? Why wouldn’t they like to see you?”

"I'm assuming they don't want to be made to lie to my face, Scott."

"Jena, I’m too tired for this,” Scott’s happiness had been sucked out of him and he rubbed at his eyes with the heels of his hands as the all too familiar routine of fighting with Jena rolled into motion. 

“The read the texts, Scott,” Jena fished Scott’s phone from her pocket and threw it onto the breakfast counter. The phone slid across the wooden surface before crashing into a vase of flowers and coming to a stop. 

“My phone?” Scott’s mind took a minute to catch up with the action, “the texts? What?”

“Don’t play dumb, Scott,” Jena’s distaste coloured her words as she spoke with anger and exasperation, “I know you were with Tessa this weekend.”

“What?” Scott was struggling to piece together what was happening, “I wasn’t with Tessa. I haven’t seen Tessa in months, you know that.”

“Do I?” Jena spat, “I saw the texts on your phone, there’s no point lying.”

“Jena, I’m not lying,” Scott tried to control his anger and his voice, but his brain had now caught up with the events that were unfolding in front of him and the realisation that Jena had taken his phone and checked his messages started to fill him with anger.

“It’s there Scott, in black and white. You text her, you told her you were sorry you interrupted her and Jordan, you can’t deny it.”

Scott took a deep breath as he dug deep into his reserves of patience. He knew this was how Jena reacted to things she felt threatened by, and he knew that his relationship with Tessa had always been something that had made her feel self-conscious about herself. He focused on his breath, calmed himself, thought about how he wanted to deal with the situation and how much he wanted his marriage to work. He opened his eyes wide and looked directly at Jena, connecting with her, telling her that she needed to listen to what he was about to say and that she needed to believe him. 

“Jena,” he began slowly, trying hard to keep his voice even, “I did text Tessa over the weekend, but I didn’t see her, I didn’t have any contact with her,” Scott maintained eye contact with his wife as he spoke, making sure that she was taking in the words that he was delivering, “I was at the soft play centre with my mom and Nate and we bumped into Jordan. I said hi, and as I did I realised that she was on the phone to Tessa. Jordan ended the call, we chatted briefly and then we both went back to our families. I felt bad that I had interrupted Jordan and Tessa’s conversation and so I dropped her a quick text to apologise. She acknowledged my apology with the short text that I am sure you have now read, and that was the end of the interaction. That was it. Nothing else was said. There was nothing to it, nothing at all. Ask yourself this, if I am lying right now, if I did see her, why would I leave the texts on my phone? Surely, if I was hiding something I would have deleted the texts.”

Jena was silent for a moment, but Scott could clearly see the anger that was building behind her eyes. He knew that his honesty and logic had done little to calm her and to diffuse the situation. 

“I just don’t understand,” Jena’s words were said quietly as her temper bubbled beneath them, “I just don’t understand why you have to keep going back.”

“Going back?” Scott could feel his heart beginning to beat quickly as Jena’s voice cut through him, “I don’t know what that means, Jena.”

“You told me that she was in your past, that it was over, that your life was about me and Nate.”

“My life is about you and Nate, Jena. I live here with you in Florida, I look after Nate, I look after our home, I do everything I can to be a good husband and a good father,” Scott had to clench his fists in order to prevent the anger from rippling through his words. 

“Oh yay for hero Scott!” Jena couldn’t hide the venom in her voice, “the sacrifices you have had to make, I am not worthy!”

Scott took a deep breath and looked to the ceiling, praying for the strength he needed to appear and prevent him from boiling in his own anger, “Jena, that’s not what I meant. You know that’s not what I meant. I love you, I love Nate, I chose this life. But, Jena, I am human, I existed before I met you and I had a life before I met you, I can’t just erase that, I can’t just wipe my memory and start again from a moment in time that suits you.”

“Because this is all about me!” Jena raised her voice to almost a yell, “I am being unreasonable, I am being paranoid, I don’t understand your relationship with Tessa, it’s too complex and I wasn’t there. Yeah, I’ve heard it before Scott, I’ve heard it all before.”

“You weren’t there,” Scott’s voice was starting to rise in line with Jena’s, “and-”

“But I’m the one who is here now,” Jena spat with venom, “you asked her to marry you and she said no, and so here we are!”

A deadly silence fell across the room. The air in the room closed in on itself and Scott’s chest tightened. 

“You asked her and she said no,” Jena repeated, a quiet hatred in her voice, “and you’ve never gotten over it.”

Scott felt the blood pumping in his ears, the pulsating feeling made his mind numb and the room was filled with a thick fog. His ability to gain a sense of calm and perspective was lost to the suffocating lack of air that closed in on him. 

"I asked her," he yelled, all sense of self control lost, "she said no, I was gutted, it hurt like hell, I moved on," his voice quivered as he spoke the raw emotion and the anger consuming him, "what more do you want me to say? What more do you want from me, Jena?" 

The sudden absence of his voice shook the room. 

Jena stared across the room at him, his outburst left her speechless. She knew she was pushing him, that it was a conversation that had taken him to the edge of his patience so many times before, but there was still something about it that she couldn't let go, something that still niggled at her and stopped her from finding peace with it."

"But, Jena," Scott's voice had lost its fight and its anger as he spoke from the bottom of a well that had been totally drained of emotion and energy, "I married you. I love you. You're my wife and this is our marriage. I love you, but we can't keep going over this ground, we can't keep reliving the past over and over again."

Jena bowed her head in defeat. Her emotional outburst had left her devoid of energy, "I know," she quietly, her voice barely more than a whisper, "I just need to be able to trust you."

"Jena, this not about trust," Scott said fairly, "you know that. We've been here before, we've talked about trust before, and we said last time we had this conversation that this is not about now, the present, us, this is about your perception of the past."

"And how it makes you act now," Jena's voice and temper were rising once more. 

“It was a single text,” Scott raked his fingers through his hair as he spoke, as he tried desperately to get his words through the barrier that Jena was intent on building between them.

“That you promised you wouldn’t send!” Jena shouted. 

“Ask yourself why I went back on what I said, Jena,” Scott’s words were laced with anger once more. 

“Because you’re not over her,” Jena yelled as she threw her coffee cup against the hard tiled floor, “because you never were, because I was only ever second best.”

“No,” Scott’s voice came like thunder, “no, not true, Jena, not true. Because it was unreasonable and unfair, because after everything I gave up for you, because after everyone I hurt, you still want more from me in order to make yourself believe that I am being honest when I say I love you. This is not about me, this is about you. This is about the fact that you can’t trust that you are enough because you always compare yourself to her.”

Scott gasped as he stopped speaking, his lungs drained of air and his mind tired. He watched as Jena’s anger drained from her and she sat back limply in her chair. 

“We’ve been here so many times, Jen,” Scott moved closer to her as he spoke softly, “how long are you going to keep testing me? I love you and I will tell you that as many times as you will listen, but I can’t live my entire life under your scrutiny. I can’t live trying to prove myself to you every day of our lives. I understood your position after we got together, I understood that I couldn’t have my life with Tessa and my life with you operating in different spaces. I backed out of the tour when you asked me to, I stopped skating, I dissolved the partnership because I understood how you felt and I wanted to show you that. But now, now there’s nothing left for me to prove. I walked away from it all, Jena, my friends, my career; everything. I let people down, I disappointed people, I hurt people, but none of it was more important to me than you and our relationship. But that has to be enough, Jena, it has to be, because I don’t have anything left to give.” 

“I know,” Jena’s head was bowed as she spoke, “I know, and I wish I felt differently, Scott. I wish I could get the nagging thought out of the back of my head.”

“Let’s get some help,” Scott’s words were a plea, “let’s get some counselling together, work through this.”

His idea was met with silence. 

“Jena,” Scott continued gently as he tried to coax her round to his idea, “I want this to work, but I don’t think we can do this on our own.”

“I just don’t see how talking to someone we don’t know is going to help us,” Jena’s voice was calm and honest. 

“It’s an outside perspective,” Scott explained, “someone looking in who is not clouded by emotions.”

“I just wouldn’t be able to be myself,” Jena’s tone closed down the idea and told Scott that there was nothing to be gained by trying to persuade her any further. 

Scott rubbed his forehead with the palm of his hand as he drew on his reserves to keep him patient and compassionate. 

“I’m going away this weekend,” Jena stated, “I’ll have time to think about how I am feeling, to work out how to get past how I am feeling. I want this to work too.”

Scott closed the remaining space between them and took Jena’s hand in his, “we can make this work,” he said softly as he hooked his finger underneath her chin and brought her eyes level with his own, “we love each other, we can make it work,” he assured her before pulling her body to his and wrapping his arms tightly around her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up - all the fun of the fair ;)


	10. Chapter Ten

"What time is Jordan coming round?" Ava asked as she watched Tessa filling a vase with water before arranging a spray of fresh flowers and placing them on the kitchen counter. 

"Any minute now," Tessa replied with a glance at her watch.

Ava smiled as she watched Tessa put cookies and colouring books on the kitchen table ready for the arrival of her niece and nephew. Ava knew that becoming a mom was not something Tessa felt ready to explore, but she knew that when the time was right, and she had the right person beside her, that Tessa was going to make a fantastic parent. Her unwavering compassion and honest self reflection would not only make her a great mom and a great role model, but would also result in the creation of some very special people. 

"Then I need to make the most of my last moments with Canada's Top Aunt," Ava smiled as she joined Tessa at the kitchen table and looped her arms around her waist and pressed her lips to the soft skin of Tessa's cheek. 

"You know you're welcome to join us at the fair?" Tessa turned in Ava's arms so that they were face to face. 

Ava pulled Tessa's body flush against her own, "I would love to go out with you and Jordan and the kids," Ava's hand ran up and down Tessa's back as she spoke, "but I promised to help my mom tonight, and I don't want to let her down."

“A good girlfriend and a good daughter.”

Tessa’s words froze solid on contact with the air. They hung suspended between the two women, waiting to be gently thawed or hastily shattered. 

“Tess-” Ava started. 

“You’re a good girlfriend,” a smile made its way across Tessa’s lips as she spoke and her lips acknowledged the thought that had been sitting silently and patiently in her mind since their weekend away. It came to life without her awareness, but once it was in the light it seemed so natural and comfortable that Tessa wanted it to stay around, “if you want to be,” she felt the oxygen leave her chest as her brain caught up with her heart and she realised that she was only fifty percent of the decision she was making. Her chin dropped as she felt her cheeks warm. 

Ava reached Tessa’s lips with her own and brought her chin back up, “I want to be,” Ava said softly as their lips parted. 

Tessa couldn’t hold back the giggle of relief that shook her and turned into a wide smile, “good,” she managed to whisper before reconnecting their lips and enjoying the feel of Ava’s tongue on her own. 

A gentle knock on the wooden panel of Tessa’s front door brought their kiss to an end and drew a groan from Ava’s throat before she released Tessa’s lips and pressed her forehead against her girlfriend’s, “you really have lost your knack for timing, Virtue,” Ava smiled, her voice coloured with longing and desire. 

The knock was repeated. 

“I’ll work on that,” Tessa giggled as she slipped her hand into the back pocket of Ava’s jeans and returned the press of her forehead. 

“Tomorrow night?” 

“Until we have it perfected.”

“Tess?” Jordan’s voice travelled through the door. 

“It’s a date,” Ava smiled as she released Tessa so that she could head towards the front door, “girlfriend,” she threw towards Tessa’s back as the door was unlocked. 

“Where were you?” Jordan asked as she stepped through the front door and into the hallway, Ollie on her hip and Poppy at her side. 

“Sorry, I-” Tessa started to explain. 

“Ava, hi,” Jordan’s cheeks pinked as she realised that her sister had company and that was likely the reason for her tardiness in answering the door, “I didn’t realise you were here, I...thought Tess-”

“Hey Jordan,” Ava met the older Virtue sister’s embarrassment with a cheery disposition and a welcoming hug, “it’s good to see you,” Ava’s words immediately broke the atmosphere and Jordan smiled as she relaxed, “and you must be Ollie,” Ava smiled at the little boy as he stood patiently for Tessa to take his coat off. 

“Say hi,” Tessa coaxed Ollie to greet Ava as she lifted his hand into a wave. Ollie smiled at Ava’s friendly face and lifted his hand for a high five. 

“Hi, big man,” Ava smiled as she met Ollie’s palm with a gentle slap and a wide smile. 

“And this young lady must be Poppy,” Ava turned her attention to Poppy who was standing close to Jordan, a little more cautious of new people than Ollie. 

“Poppy is my special helper,” Jordan smiled as she placed her hand on Poppy’s head, “she is a top class cousin.”

Poppy gushed with pride at the sound of Jordan’s praise. Feeling like a grown up who helped with the younger Ollie, Poppy felt a rush of confidence come over her and she held out her hand to Ava’s in a handshake. 

“Good to meet you,” Ava smiled kindly, “cousin is a very important role. Ollie is very lucky to have a helpful and loving cousin like you.”

“She’s the best,” Tessa joined Jordan in praising Poppy and the three women smiled as they watched the young girl grow in stature in front of their eyes. 

With their coats and shoes removed, they all headed towards the kitchen and the colouring books and treats that Tessa had laid out for them. Jordan and Ava helped the children to the table, pouring juice and distributing cookies as Tessa went to the kitchen to boil the kettle to make herself and Jordan tea. Following the call at the play centre, Jordan and Tessa had spoken briefly on the phone and Jordan had been assured that Tessa was fine, but they had not since had the opportunity to talk about what had happened and how Tessa had reacted afterwards, so they were due a good chat and a catch up - something they wanted to do before they met up with their mother at the fair. 

Ava took the chair next to Poppy and they got to work on a picture of a train using three shades of pink, selected by Poppy, to create a vehicle worthy of a princess. 

“I take it this will be your first experience of the London fair,” Jordan smiled across at Ava as she helped her son to pick a crayon. 

“Oh, I’m not coming, I’m afraid,” Ava smiled as she looked up from her colouring and spoke to Jordan, “my mom is redecorating her lounge and I have been promising to help for over two weeks, so I am going to stand by my word this evening.”

“Oh right,” Jordan tried not to let her brain whizz with questions about why Ava was at Tessa’s house in the afternoon rather than at work in Toronto - her sister’s life was her own and she didn’t need to know every little detail of it. 

“I was here in London meeting with a potential author we’re interested in taking on,” Ava explained as she saw a multitude of questions whizz through Jordan’s eyes.

“Oh...,” Jordan stuttered, wondering how Ava had managed to read her mind.

“A pink train?” Tessa’s cheery voice cut through the awkward moment that Jordan found herself in with Ava once again, “very ‘female empowerment’.”

Jordan shook the moment from her head as she focused on Tessa. She had spent time with Ava before and she couldn’t understand why this afternoon left her feeling embarrassed and confused at every other turn. It came to her then, as she watched Tessa lay a nonchalant and unchoreographed hand on Ava’s shoulder, that she hadn’t spent time at Tessa’s house with her and Ava and the implied intimacy that the situation created. She quietly told herself to snap out of her awkwardness - she had spent enough time with Tessa and Scot in their saccharine lovesick days to know how to handle her sister’s relationships. 

“This is no ordinary train,” Ava explained to Tessa as she widened her eyes at Poppy.

“It’s a fairy princess train!” Poppy informed her aunt. 

“Well, then,” Tessa smiled at Poppy, “that explains it.”

“Ava is really good at colouring,” Poppy informed Tessa. 

A smile shaped Tessa’s lips as Ava enjoyed Poppy’s praise. 

“You’re a hit,” Tessa said quietly so that only Ava could hear. 

Tessa took her seat at the table next to Jordan and poured two steaming cups of tea, making sure that they were out of reach of Ollie’s curious fingers. Tessa sat back and watched her sister and her girlfriend fully immersed in colouring with her niece and nephew and she felt a peace settle upon her that told her that in that moment, as her heart pumped her blood through the minute that ticked through the clock face of her life, there was nowhere else she would rather be and no other people she would rather have around her. She saw, for the first time in many months, the clarity that sat before her and the life that she had to do nothing but enjoy and be present in. 

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to leave the rest of the train in your capable hands, Poppy,” Ava’s voice floated into Tessa’s consciousness.

Poppy’s face dropped, disappointment shining in her eyes at the thought of losing her new playmate. 

“Perhaps Ava can come to one of our afternoon play dates in the next few weeks,” Jordan saw an opportunity to settle her own earlier awkwardness as well as being kind to Ava and soothing Poppy. 

“Will you?” Poppy’s eyes were hopeful as they found Ava’s face. 

“I would be honored,” Ava was taken aback by the offer and it took her a moment to catch her emotions and order them enough to respond without an audible crack in her voice, “I’ve never been invited to a play date before.”

“Never?” Poppy’s voice was loaded with astonishment as she wondered how on earth someone as fun and kind as Ava had never been invited to a play date. 

“Never,” Ava confirmed with a cute smile.

“You have to come,” Poppy’s eyes flamed with excitement. 

“I definitely will,” Ava replied with honesty. 

With the assurance that it would not be the last time she would see her new friend, Poppy was happy to give Ava a hug before going back to her colouring. 

“You have no idea what you are letting yourself in for,” Jordan joked with Ava as Ava pushed her chair under the table and grabbed her bag from the sofa. 

“Well, if it’s all pink trains and cookies I think I will be fine,” Ava responded with a chuckle, “have a great time at the fair,” Ava smiled at Jordan, “and keep your sister away from the cotton candy, or you'll find yourself with three kids to tame!”

Tessa put on a display of faux offense as Jordan wished Ava goodbye and assured her that lessons had already been learnt about the dangers of allowing Tessa sugar after midday. 

“I’ll see you out,” Tessa heard the woodenness of her own voice as she rose from the table and followed Ava out of the kitchen and into the hallway. 

“I do know my way out of the house, you know,” Ava’s voice was a whisper in the hallway as she pulled her coat on started to do up its buttons. 

Tessa’s cheeks pinked as she was called out in her poor acting skills. 

“But can you do your coat yourself?” Tessa replied with a cheeky grin as she closed the space between them and took the third button of Ava’s coat in her fingers and did it up for her whilst smiling and locking eyes with her. 

“I can struggle with that sometimes,” Ava whispered back, her breath warm against Tessa’s cheek. 

“Good job you’ve got a girlfriend to help you out, then,” Tessa whispered as she finished securing the final button on Ava’s coat before slipping her hand into Ava’s. 

“Say it again,” the volume of Ava’s voice dropped lower as she found Tessa’s ear with her mouth. 

“You’ve got a girlfriend to help you out,” Tessa repeated, her voice barely above a whisper as it filled Ava’s ear. 

"Damn decorating and fairs," Ava smiled as she pulled away and broke the moment that neither of them wanted to end. 

"Text me later?" Tessa was taken by surprise by her own request. Although they dropped each other informational texts or funny photos now and again, their relationship had never been one of sentimental contact or goodnight messages. 

"Let me know when you're home?" Ava responded with a smile, feeling the delicate nature of the situation as she knew Tessa was reaching out to a part of their relationship they'd never explored. Ava felt in that moment a definite shift and she knew that this new ground they were on had to navigated with care. 

"Sure," Tessa felt a warmth run through her at the thought of sharing something that was just hers and Ava's.

Tessa latched the door behind Ava and headed back into the house. 

Jordan watched her sister carefully as she reentered the room and settled back at the table. She was intrigued by what was happening between Ava and Tessa. Her interest was partly out of protection; having seen the aftermath of Scott's departure, Jordan had promised herself that she would never allow anyone to hurt Tessa like he did. And partly out of hope; the idea of Tessa finding the strength and confidence to enter into a relationship again made her feel that the long journey her sister was on was coming to an end. However, she knew that pulling Tessa into a conversation about what was developing between her and Ava before she was ready to volunteer the information herself may make her retreat into herself and close down. 

"Did you guys have a good weekend away?" Jordan made her tone as casual as possible. 

"Yeah," Tessa smiled in reply as she sipped her tea, "it was nice to get away."

"I'm sorry about the phone call with Scott, Tess," Jordan knew that bringing the issue up was not going to be easy, so she just went straight in at the deep end, "I was off guard, he was the last person I expected to see at-"

"Jord," Tessa smiled as her sister, "it's OK. You don't have to be on guard for me. You couldn't have known he was going to be there."

"No, I just, I could have-"

"Jordan," Tessa cut her sister off before she could find another way to blame herself for Scott's appearance in London, "it's not your fault. None of us can control anyone else's actions."

"No, I know."

"I was taken by surprise, that's all. I haven't heard his voice in a while."

"You've worked so hard, Tess, I don't want you to lose the progress you've made."

"No, and neither do I," Tessa agreed, "which is why Gloria and I spoke about it and we're working on it together," Tessa was aware of how light and casual she was making the whole issue seem, but she didn't want Jordan to worry about her, and neither did she want to bring it all back to her own mind. 

"I'm glad you spoke to Gloria about it," there was a clear note of relief in Jordan's voice once she realised that Tessa was using Gloria to support her. 

"We spoke about it," Tessa nodded. She considered for a moment whether she should tell Jordan about the texts she and Scott exchanged after the phone call. Jordan had been steadfast in her support and the thought of hiding anything from her felt like an act of ingratitude. Plus, Tessa knew that if she kept it from Jordan and Jordan then found out, her sister would jump straight to the conclusion that Tessa was regressing and hiding her feelings again, which was quite the opposite of what Tessa thought was happening to her. In her mind, the afternoon she'd spent with Ava was clear proof that she was moving on and that she was growing in positive ways that surprised even her. 

"Scott text me to say sorry," Tessa hoped her voice sounded as casual as she intended. 

"He text you?" the tone of Jordan's voice told Tessa that the casual tone she'd attempted to employ was an unmitigated failure. 

"He felt bad" Tessa explained, "he text to say he hadn't meant to interrupt."

"Well I hope you didn't reply!" there was a tone close to anger Jordan's voice.

"I acknowledged it," as Tessa spoke the words she made a quick decision not to tell Jordan about the fact she'd thrown her phone across the kitchen as soon as she message had hit the air waves, "it was a sentence, no need for a reply from him."

"And how did you feel?" Jordan focused her attention on her sister's needs rather than the desire to pass judgement that was beating through her veins. 

"Not great," Tessa admitted, "but Gloria and I have spoken about it," she added quickly as she saw Jordan's brow crease with concern and disapproval, "we're working on it now, for a few sessions, exploring it."

"And what did Gloria say when you told her?" Jordan was hoping that Gloria had talked some sense into Tessa.

"We spoke about how I felt and Gloria understood, you know, how Gloria does. She didn't say much, but she got me talking and I started to understand that I felt scared and that perhaps in order to work out why I did I need to cut all contact with him completely."

"Well, I think that's a good idea," Jordan said "there's no real reason for him to be contacting you." 

"No," Tessa agreed, although she didn't share the strike of pain that flashed across her chest as a result of Jordan's words, "no," she recovered, "no there isn't."

"You can change your number."

"Well, I'd rather not," Tessa had already given the option some thought, 'I don't want to go through telling everyone my new number, I have women from the Virtuous Futures program I need to keep in contact with, I don't want to go through the hassle. I was thinking more that maybe you'd be a bit of a buffer, an interceptor.'

"Of course," Jordan would do anything the support her sister. 

"If I set up call and text forward for his number to you, then I won't even see the messages, they'll be re-routed straight to you."

"And you can just set his email address to your back list and it will go into spam."

"Exactly," Tessa nodded, "so I won't even know he's tried to contact me, let alone see any of his texts or messages."

"OK that's a good idea," Jordan agreed, "let's set it up now," she put her phone on the table and swiped the screen in order to start the process.   
***

The afternoon was drawing in as Scott arranged Nate’s diapers, spare clothes and sippy cup on the bed next to the other essentials he’d already laid on his bed. Once he and Jena had agreed that he would be a stay at home parent, Scott had spent hours researching how to maximise his time and effectiveness with his son. One of the invaluable things he had learnt was about the importance of being organised - something he left in Tessa’s capable hands for over a decade! He read studies, blog posts and various magazine articles about how to make sure that all of the tasks that came with looking after a child and a home didn’t overwhelm him. The seemingly simple task of packing a bag for an outing was a well choreographed event that consisted or ordering items in need of importance, packing them in order of use and selecting a bag suitable of doing the job. Even though Nate was now two and didn’t need as much stuff as he did when he was baby, he was far from being able to travel light. Scott had paid the price of forgetting to pack diapers and wet wipes before - a mistake only made once. He placed the last of the items into the backpack he planned to take to the fair and made his way downstairs to join his mom and Nate in the lounge. As he descended the last step and turned into the hallway, he heard his mom's melodic voice drifting towards him. He stopped still, listening to the sound of Nate's low and soft giggles. A warmth ran through him as he basked in the happiness that flooded his being. He took a steadying breath before stepping into the lounge. 

"Da," Nate greeted him but remained on his grandma's lap, snuggled into her and enjoying her attention. 

"Looks like you're comfy," Scott said with a smile as he lowered himself down onto the sofa that was positioned opposite the armchair that his mom and Nate were sitting in. 

"We're having some snuggly cuddles," Alma smiled as she squeezed Nate in a hug, making him coo and giggle. 

"I don't know how you did it," Scott's face was filled with admiration as he looked at his mom, "having the three of us all needing you at the same time."

"It wasn't easy," Alma smiled, "but I loved it all the same."

"Sometimes I just get so exhausted looking after him," Scott confessed, "to think of that trebled.."

"It had your dad to help me too," Alma's words weren't loaded but they settled more heavily than she had anticipated. 

"Jena works hard," Scott's reply was quiet and more for himself than for his mom. 

"I know son," Alma soothed, "and I didn't mean anything by what I said, but, you know, you do a lot on your own."

"I don't begrudge it," Scott was quick to answer. 

"Of course you don't," Alma's voice was calm and reassuring, "but that doesn't mean you have to try to cope alone, or that you should be expected to."

"I know," Scott fell silent, "she does love him, you know," he said after a few moments. 

"She's his mom, she'll always love him, no matter what, but he needs to know that now."

Scott's thoughts became a jumble in his head. He had thought before about the amount of time Jena spent with Nate and how much she only ever heard about through Scott. She wasn't a bad mom, she wasn't an absent mom; they took days out together, they ate breakfast in bed with Nate on birthdays, they made Christmas special and magical for him (even if he barely knew what was going on), but she wasn't there for the small things, the day to day things. 

"It just passes quickly," Alma felt Scott's mood drop and was aware of how he had disappeared into his thoughts. She took action to reassure him and help him back to some perspective, "that's all. He'll be grown and at school before you know it and this time will be gone. It's precious time."

Scott nodded, understanding fully what his mom was saying. 

"Charlie called," Alma changed the subject, "Charlotte and Mason have got chicken pox, so they can't come out to the fair tonight."

Scott felt the disappointment roll in; he had been looking forward to taking Nate out with his cousins. 

"Bad timing," Alma commented, reading her son one more. 

"Yeah," Scott agreed, sounding a bit downbeat. 

"We'll still have fun," she assured Scott as she ruffled Nate's hair, "this little one will make sure of that!"

"He sure will," Scott smiled as he looked over at Nate and his cheeky smile. 

***  
Ollie’s gloved fingers curled tightly around Tessa's as they stepped carefully across the slippery grass. Their feet slid through the mud causing it to squelch beneath them. The air was damp following the unexpected and heavy downpour that had unleashed itself on London just minutes before. Had they arrived any earlier, they'd have found themselves already out of the car and walking towards the fairground as the rain fell. Luckily, they had been able to shelter in Jordan's car as the rain battered relentlessly at the metal. Ollie had been transfixed by the event, the sound overwhelming him and the huge water droplets created a show on the car window as they landed and ran down the glass in rivulets. At least people's careful navigation of the field separating the fairground from the car park kept their attention away from Tessa. Although she was never harassed in London, she knew that tonight she would end up posing for a few photos and speaking to fans who recognised her. She never minded talking to people, never turned anyone away, and always took great care to take in interest in the people she met, but she was always adamant that her family were not part of the deal, not available for photos, or for chats, because she didn't want them to feel obliged to do things simply because of her life choices. In particular, she didn't want Ollie and Poppy to be known as her nephew and niece; she wanted them to make their own way in their own right and be their own people. Her choices were hers, not anyone else's.

"Where we headed first, Pops?" Jordan asked as they reached the dry land of the fairground.

"Let's take Ollie on the tea cups!" Poppy bounced as she spoke. She was more excited about showing her cousin all the rides she thought he'd enjoy than the rides she was planning on going on herself. 

"I think he'd love the tea cups," Tessa smiled as she noticed the kindness and compassion in Poppy, "you two can share a cup."

Poppy took Ollie's hand as they walked over to the tea cups. They settled sweetly into a pink and silver cup chosen by Poppy, and Jordan waved at Ollie as Poppy looped her arm around the small boy and secured him to her side. 

"Ollie," Tessa called as she waved her fingers and held her phone up in order to take a snap of him smiling and waving. The ride started and a look of worry momentarily flashed on Ollie's face, but it was soon turned into a smile as Poppy laughed next to him and showed him that there was nothing to be afraid of. Tessa and Jordan stood smiling and waving as the teacups revolved slowly.   
Tessa was aware of two girls on the other side of the ride who were holding their phones up towards her. She felt a little perturbed, as she started wondering what rumours would start once the picture was posted online, but she knew better than to worry about it. She had certainly weathered the worst social media storm when Scott pulled out of the tour and disappeared, so it was unlikely that a few photos of her at the fair with Jordan would cause much of a stir. 

The ride came to a slow stop, the teacups returning to their original positions. Poppy helped Ollie out of the cup and he bounced towards Jordan, asking if he could go on again. Jordan convinced him that there were more rides to discover and distracted him with the idea of the hook a duck stall. Poppy was an expert at hooking the smallest ducks,winning a new notebook for herself and helping Ollie to win a train driver's hat and whistle. They stopped briefly for a drink before playing on the coconut shy and the hoopla. 

"What time did Mom day she was meeting us here?" Tessa asked as they headed deeper into the fairground. 

"In about 15 minutes," Jordan replied as she looked at her watch, "I told her to text when she arrives."

Ollie was thoroughly enjoying his trip to the fair and ran excitedly in front of them, his train driver's hat slightly askew and his eyes bulging with wonder at the flashing lights that were shining brightly against the darkening sky. Tessa and Jordan, happy to be together and chatting casually, almost ended up on the concrete as they ran into the back of a suddenly stationery Ollie. 

"Well, that's the teacups long forgotten," Jordan giggled as she looked ahead ahead saw the cause of Ollie's sudden stoppage. 

Standing amongst the bright lights and whirling chatter was a large blue train seated on a track that ran round in a circle, over two humps and through a tunnel. Ollie was suddenly unfrozen and bounced on the spot, his joy overwhelming his small body as he pointed at the train.

"Choo," he jumped up and down as he turned around to find his mom, "choo. "

"It is a choo," Jordan smiled as she marvelled at her son's excited innocent joy, "would you like to go on it?"

"Yes," Ollie shouted barely unable to contain himself.

"Let's go," Jordan smiled as she held out her hand for Ollie to grab. 

"I think Aunt Jordan wants to ride it too," Poppy said quietly to Tessa, happy to be joining an adult in a private joke, the way she'd seen her mom and dad and her aunts do before. 

"I think you're right," Tessa responded with a smile, a smile mostly in response to Poppy's adult behaviour than to her comment. 

They joined the queue of excited and expectant toddlers who were assembled alongside the ride as they watched it make it its way around the track. Ollie’s hands gripped tightly to the metal railings at the side of the ride as he crouched down to peer through the railings for a view of the train. Tessa gently slid her hands beneath his warm armpits and lifted him from the ground before settling him on her hip.

“Can you see it?” she asked Ollie as she pointed to the train that was now nearing them, “it’s almost ready to come back to the station.”  
Ollie put his arm around Tessa’s neck and nuzzled into her. Tessa was taken aback by the little boy’s sudden affection. She lived in awe of how open he was with his emotions, he was always the physical embodiment of how he was feeling, be it excited, upset or happy. Tessa pressed a soft kiss to the side of his face and breathed in deeply, enjoying his warm scent and the peace and happiness it brought her. Jordan looked over at her son and her sister and felt that she was finally getting her sister back. She felt a tear form in the corner of her eye as she thought about the long, dark days that she had watched Tessa live through.   
Tessa’s peace was interrupted by a shrill squeal in her ear as Ollie bounced up and down on her hip. Unsteady on her feet, Tessa half turned to look towards the train, expecting it to be standing at the start of the ride’s track and ready to be loaded with excited young children. She was surprised to see that it was on the other side of the track, completing a second loop. Ollie began to throw himself from her hip and towards the floor. Tessa grabbed the back of his coat and helped him to make a safe dismount. She could barely hold on to him as he darted behind her and into a small boy who was standing next to the metal railing staring at the train with the same wonder that Ollie had shown a few moments before. Jordan’s mothering instinct led her to instantly follow Ollie’s movements with her eyes and it took her less than a second to recognise why her son had become so excited and run away from Tessa. 

“Hey, bud,” Scott bent down next to Nate as he stood transfixed by the train, “you can’t run off from Daddy.”

“Choo,” Ollie crashed through Scott’s safety lecture as he hurled himself towards Nate. 

It took Scott a moment to take in the scene and to realise that it was Ollie who Nate was now excitedly jumping up and down with. 

“Hey,” Scott smiled at Ollie, his natural outgoing nature responding instantly. It took his brain a moment to catch up with his eyes and mouth before he computed that Ollie’s presence meant that Jordan was at the fair. 

“Scott,” Jordan was at Ollie’s side within moments, “sorry. He’s a bit overexcited-” 

“Trains seem to have that effect on them,” Scott smiled in reply as he straightened his legs and stood from where he was squatted on his haunches. 

His voice rooted her to the spot, tightening the muscles in her back and neck. Tessa’s ears were filled with the violent beating of her own blood as her heart pounded wildly. Seconds passed before he looked up and saw her, infinitesimal shifts in the space between them, impossible to measure, but which engulfed her as she felt his eyes find her. 

“There you are!” Alma’s voice gave Tessa a chance to catch her breath as Scott’s eyes turned their focus on his mom. 

“He'd seen the train,” Scott explained to Alma, his voice, to the one person who knew its nuances like the lines on her palms, stretched and strained slightly, “and look who he found,” Scott found his composure as she drew his mom’s attention to Ollie.   
Alma looked down at Ollie and then towards Jordan as she remembered Ollie as the little boy from the play centre in London. 

“He certainly has a good memory for faces,” Alma giggled as she acknowledged Jordan, “and for fun.”

“I was surprised they remembered each other too,” Jordan commented with a polite giggle, “clearly they made a great impression on each other.”

“Tess!” Alma could do little to hide her delight, “it is so good to see you,” the hug that Alma threw around Tessa’s body clearly showed that Alma, unlike the rest of the people in the situation, was acting on the habits of old. As she saw Tessa standing there in front of her, the years and the pain that had passed between the young woman and her youngest son ceased to exist. 

“Hey Alma,” Tessa’s voice was quiet and unassured but didn’t hide the fact that she was genuinely happy to see the woman who had taught her so much and had welcomed her into her family with open arms, both as a young skater, a young woman and the daughter-in-law Alma felt she was destined to become. Tessa felt a wave of guilt rise in her chest as she realised that it was not only Scott she had rejected when she had said no to him, but also his loving and supportive family. 

“It’s stopped,” Poppy cut through the moment to inform the adults that the train had come to a stop and that it was time for her and the boys to hop aboard. 

Jordan looked towards the train and saw that, much to Ollie’s excitement, it had started to board. He was pushing forward trying to get past the children in front of him as his anticipation of the fun that awaited him drove him forward. 

“Ollie,” Jordan half laughed as she took her little boy by the hand, “we have to wait our turn.”

Ollie, although less than pleased at having to be polite, followed his mom’s instructions and stood beside her, trying his best to be patient. Nate followed them, copying Ollie’s good behaviour by grabbing Jordan’s other hand. 

“Looks like you’re riding the train,” Scott smiled at Jordan as he watched his son slip his hand into hers.

“Looks that way,” Jordan smiled back at him, “I’m happy to take them on if that’s ok with you?”

“My pleasure,” Scott replied, “I’ve been spun around quite enough already this evening.”

“Are you joining us, Pop?” Jordan asked as she looked up at the train carriages, “there’s room for four.”

“Sure,” Poppy answered with a hop towards Jordan, “we can all fit in one carriage.”

As Jordan climbed aboard the train she turned to see Tessa standing alone. Her focus on Ollie had caused her to forget the situation that Tessa found herself in. She felt panic swell in her chest and felt torn between the two people who needed her. Even from a distance Tessa could see the painicked conflict that spread across Jordan’s face as she turned to realise that she had left her sister alone. There was nothing that Tessa wanted more in that moment than to be taken away by her sister, to run far from the nausea that was rolling in the pit of her stomach and to be calmed by the pleasure of pretending that she had not seen him, not heard him, that he was still in Florida and far from her life. However, her needs had been put before everyone else’s in their family for too long and there was no way she was letting this moment with Ollie be anything other than perfect for Jordan. So she put on her best smile and waved towards the four faces peeking over the side of the train's open air carriage. Jordan sent her a look that asked if she was going to be ok, apologising to her silently and privately. Tessa smiled and stuck her thumbs up, seemingly at Ollie, who returned his aunt’s show of happiness, but to show Jordan that she was fine and that all her sister needed to be concerned about was enjoying a moment with her little boy. Alma waved at Nate, and as the train started to pull away on its first lap around the track she followed it to the corner, waving and taking photos as her grandson’s grin grew wider with each fake puff of smoke that swelled from the train funnel. 

Tessa felt him move closer to her before he spoke, “looks like this is going to be a favourite ride.”

“It does,” the words shook as they left her mouth, her fingers found the edge of her jumper as she pulled at its invisible threads. 

“Nate is obsessed with trains at the moment.”

She knew his son’s name, she knew how it sounded, she’d heard it spoken, but never by him. 

“Ollie too,” Tessa said, the words all she could manage as she felt her throat constrict. 

“I didn’t know you’d be here,” Scott ran his fingers through his hair, “I should have thought, I-”

“You can be anywhere you like, Scott,” the words felt cold and heavy as they left her mouth, qualities she hadn’t intended them to have. After her reaction to hearing his voice on the phone, and after her session with Gloria, she knew she was being unfair and irrational in deciding that he was not allowed to visit London, “it’s nice to see your mom,” she managed to make it worse, “I mean...it’s...I haven’t seen-”

“Tess,” Scott smiled at her, trying to catch her eyes, but realising that she was staring straight ahead, focused on a spot in front of her, “it’s ok, I know this is-”

“We need to move,” Tessa said suddenly, her voice serious as she moved away from Scott and towards the opposite side of the train ride to where they were standing. Scott followed her just as he clocked a woman not so discreetly pointing her phone in their direction. 

“You’ve probably just cheated her out of going down in Twitter history as a gold platted legend,” Scott attempted a joke to lighten the mood. 

“MVP status denied,” Tessa said in a robotic voice that drew a giggle from Scott’s lips. 

“Daddy!” Nate’s voice cut through the air as he leant over the side of the train carriage and waved at Scott. 

“Hey, bud!” Scott waved back as a huge smile spread across his face. 

“He’s gorgeous,” their shared joke had softened Tessa’s barbed edges and the comment left her lips before she had a chance to check it. 

“He is,” Scott looked her full in the face this time and found her eyes meet his for a moment before they refocused on the passing train, “thanks,” Scott said to the side of her face before he too turned his attention to the passing train. 

The first few drops of rain were like a warning shot; nature's warning. They fell, globulous and heavy, the splat they made on landing echoing through the air. Warning drops given, the clouds tore open and torrential rain fell mercilessly onto the fairground below. The earlier downpour had already left a few puddles standing in the concrete surface's potholes, and rivers of cold rain water formed almost immediately. The train ride's operator brought the ride to a stand still and the carriage doors were released. The carriages, open to the elements, offered the children and parents inside them no protection at all from the falling rain. Adults rushed forward, navigating the slippy metal platform of the ride, which was quickly becoming a hazardous pool, to claim their children and lift them to safety. Scott, Tessa and Alma rushed to where the train had stopped and looked for the carriage with their families in. Jordan was already stood up, head bent against the deluge of water that was falling upon her, and looking for help. As soon as she saw them through the crowds of people, she stood up and waved and hollered. Scott cambered up onto the platform and made his way towards the carriage. As the rain fell into the ride and its platform it created a deafening symphony of clanging metal and rushing water. Scott shouted through the chaos for Jordan to pass him the boys. Jordan picked Ollie and Nate up one by one and passed them over to Scott. The boys were already soaked through and crying. Scott, one boy in each arm, kept them close to his body as he slipped and slid across the platform towards Tessa and Alma. Once he was near to the edge he passed the boys over, placing Ollie in Alma's arms and handing Nate over to Tessa. Both women pulled the toddlers close to their chests and did their best to shelter them from the rain. Scott turned back and met Poppy and Jordan at the mid point between the edge of the platform and the train carriage is which they'd been riding. Jordan and Scott took one of Poppy's hands and led her carefully off the ride. They huddled close together and joined everyone else in looking for somewhere to shelter. They quickly realised that there was nowhere that could offer them protection. The few awnings that stood beside some of the rides had started to sag and buckle under the weight of the water, and there was little shelter to be had beneath the sporadically placed spindly trees that grew in the grassy picnic areas. Tessa spotted the metal awning of a nearby burger stand. It was already packed with people, but all they needed was a spot to put the boys under until the rain eased enough for them to make it back to the car.

"Over there," she pointed towards the crowd of people near the white burger truck. 

Scott scooped Poppy up into his arms and the four adults carried the children to the shelter Tessa had spotted. They stood at the edge of the metal awning and shuffled the children amongst the huddled people at the edge of the pack, making sure that they were beneath the awning and free from the rain. Jordan stood as close to Ollie as she could, persuading him to stay on his feet and beneath the shelter rather than joining her in the still pouring rain. Alma huddled close to Nate and soothed him as his tears started to subside and he calmed. Poppy huddled close to Ollie, making sure that her cousin was well protected. Scott and Tessa stood just beyond the edge of the awning, allowing the children and Alma to take the last of the shelter. Scott and Tessa bowed their heads against the raindrops which had somehow managed to become even larger and heavier than they had been when the downpour started. The water splashed against their legs as it landed on the ground and bounced against the standing water. They stood, taking nature's power upon their heads for what seemed like an eternity. Tessa started to wonder whether they should just make their way to the car park - they were already soaked to the skin, so they might as well be on the move whilst they got drenched. At least the rain had put an end to the secret phone photographers, she thought. 

"Mom's come to get us!" Jordan's voice shouted through the rain as she held her phone to her ear, still in conversation with Kate. 

"She'll meet us at the north gate," Jordan pointed towards the right corner of the fairground as she pulled Ollie up into her arms.

"Alma,"Jordan shouted across the head of the man who stood between her and Ollie and Alma and Nate, "we've got a lift." 

Alma, relief washing over her face at Jordan's words, secured Nate in her arms.

"Come on, Pops," Scott put his arms out to the tired looking young girl, "let's get out of here."

Poppy climbed gratefully into Scott's arms and they fled, children held fast, across the fairground and towards the salvation of Kate's waiting car. 

The car's headlights shine through the driving rain, guiding them to safety. Jordan felt Ollie start to cry against her chest as she splashed through the rain, clutching him to her. 

"Grandma's come to get us," she soothed as she trod carefully through the running water, "we can go to Grandma's and get nice a warm and dry."

Kate leant over from the driver's side and pushed the passenger door open for Alma and Nate to enter. Jordan pulled the back door open and set Ollie off crawling across the seats and into his waiting car seat at the other side of the car. She followed him in, wedging herself against the hard plastic side of his seat and she settled in the middle of the car's back seat. Scott passed Poppy through the open door and she shuffled onto Jordan's lap. With only one seat left in the car and the rain getting yet heavier, Scott jumped into the remaining seat before pulling Tessa into the cat and onto his lap.

The door shut. 

"Thank you so much!" Alma threw her head back against the car's headrest as Kate pulled away, "that was unbelievable."

"It came from nowhere!" Jordan added, "we were on a ride with the boys and the heavens just opened."

"The carriage was open," Poppy informed Kate, "I thought it was going to flood."

"The guy stopped the ride so that we could all get off," Jordan explained. 

"There were parents trying to get the kids off the train, but the rain was coming down so hard that you could barely see what was going on," Alma tried to describe the chaos of the scene. 

"The metal platform around the edge just started to fill with water," Jordan shuffled so that Poppy was more comfortable on her lap, "it was really slippy."

"Uncle Scott came to help though," Poppy explained. 

Poppy's mention of Scott made Jordan turn to her left for the first time since the journey began. She found sitting next to her two very still, very awkward looking human beings who she could tell were both wishing they were anywhere else but sitting soaking wet and on top of each other in the back of a saloon car. She saw Tessa sitting as straight as she could, limiting the contact her body was making with Scott's. Her eyes travelled to Scott's right hand as it gripped the side of the car seat in front of him in a desperate attempt to put his hands anywhere but on the woman he'd spent the best part of two decades loving. 

"Thanks for coming to get us," Jordan changed the subject.

"Yes, thank you," Alma repeated, "we're so grateful. You can take us back to my car-"

"Not until you're warm and dry and fed," Kate said with authority.

"Kate we don't want it im-" 

"It's not an imposition, Alma," Kate smiled at the woman next to her, a woman who was once such a good friend, a woman who she had not spoken to save through posted Christmas cards for almost two years, a woman she was happy to have at her side once more, "it's my pleasure."

Tessa knew her mom was being polite, as she always was, and as she loved her for. She knew that it was the right thing to do to ask Scott, Alma and Nate back to the house to eat and dry off, but she also knew that in that moment, squashed in the back of the car with Scott, she wanted nothing more than to drop the Moirs off and escape the hideous situation she found herself in. She decided she'd get back to her mom's and then get a taxi back to her own house as soon as possible. 

Kate's house was a short drive away from the fairground and the journey, in reality took only a few minutes. For Tessa, however, it seemed to drag its heels, every bump and pothole in the road another obstacle for her to become rigid against as she tried to keep the connection to Scott's body as light as she could. She was currently living the exact opposite of what she and Gloria had agreed upon; removing Scott from her life entirely, cutting all contact, was far from what she was currently doing. In fact, she was closer to him than she'd been in a long time. Sitting on his lap in the back of the car was not what they had agreed upon. Tessa's rigidity did not go unnoticed by Scott, who was no more comfortable with the situation. However, he could see Tessa tensing her back and shoulders and thought she might be more comfortable if her ass was touching the material of the car's seat rather his lap. He reached his arm around her waist to hold her before parting his legs and exposing the seat beneath. 

"Might be a bit more comfortable," he commented quietly as the rest of the car's occupants chattered freely, blissfully unaware of the excruciatingly awkward situation they found themselves in. Tessa, unprepared for the parting of his legs, but supported by his arm, made contact with the material of the seat. Suddenly sitting balanced on Scott's lap ceased being the most awkward situation they'd found themselves in, in two years! No, being clamped between Scott's wet thighs, ass pushed against him and his face now at a level with her neck where every exhale was hot against her damp skin was unreservedly far more awkward. 

Scott realised his mistake instantly as the familiar and yet painfully absent scent of strawberry shampoo filled his nostrils. 

"We're here!" Tessa had never felt such joy at Poppy's words as they pulled onto Kate's driveway. Scott had the door open before the wheels had barely been given the chance to stop rolling. Tessa's feet hit the gravel of the driveway soon afterwards and she walked towards the front door with purpose, her only intention to put distance between herself and Scott. Alma handed Nate through the passenger side door and into Scott's waiting arms as Tessa set to work unlocking the door to her mom's house. Poppy crawled out and headed for the shelter of the house, followed closely by Jordan and Ollie. Kate has already thought to turn the heating on before leaving and the house was welcomingly toasty.   
Nate and Ollie headed straight for the lounge and the box of toys that sat beside the sofa. 

"Boys," Kate smiled as she watched the two friends turn their attention on the toy cars they'd spotted from the doorway, "let's get you dry before you play."

"I left his bag in the car," Scott sounded frustrated at himself. 

"Not to worry," Kate said with a smile as she started to remove the sodden coat from Ollie's small frame, "Ollie's got plenty of clothes here, so I think we should be able to find him something."

"That's really kind," Scott smiled, happy to be able to get his son out of his wet, cold clothes.

"I'll go and find them both something," Jordan started out of the room and towards the bedroom that Kate kept for Ollie. 

"I'll go," Kate got up from her place next to Ollie and left him with Scott and Nate, "you and Tess go and get changed out of those wet clothes."

Jordan did as her mom mandated and she and Tess left the room and headed for the room they used when they stayed at their mom's house. 

Tessa shut the door to and went to the wardrobe with a sense of purpose and urgency, she started to riffle through the clothes, pulling out t-shirts and leggings without even looking at them.

"Tess, stop," Jordan was at her side, touching her elbow, "stop and talk to me," Jordan kept her voice calm and soft, the way she knew Tessa needed her to.

"This isn't what I am supposed to do," Tessa said, her haste with the clothes unchanged, "I am supposed to stay away from him."

"And it hasn't gone to plan," Jordan soothed, "and I understand that's unsettling, but you've done really well, Tess."

"I just need to go home," Tessa pulled her wet t-shirt over her head and threw it to the floor before pulling on a dry one, "I just need to go home."

"OK," Jordan responded, "let's get changed and-" 

"I'm calling a taxi," Tessa had the phone to her ear as she spoke. 

"Get some dry clothes on first," Jordan instructed as she finished pulling a dry sweater over her head before balling up her wet clothes.

Tessa pushed her jeans down her legs and wriggled out of them. She kept her phone clamped between her ear and right shoulder as she worked. The call had still not connected by the time Tessa had managed to get out of her jeans. She huffed and threw her phone down on the bed in frustration as she slipped her legs into the leggings she'd chosen from the drawer. She called a second number and put the phone on speaker phone as she pulled up her leggings and started brushing out her wet and tangled hair. 

"Hello," a voice came from the bed and Tessa picked up the phone instantly, turned the speaker off and held it to her ear. 

“Hello,” Tessa responded as she pulled her damp hair into a bun, “I am looking for a taxi to-” 

Jordan could hear the voice on the other end of the line interrupt Tessa’s request. 

“Ok...no...I understand...thank you,” Tessa ended the call and threw her phone onto the bed. 

“No taxis?” Jordan asked.

“The rain,” Tessa said, the fullest response she could give as she sat on the bed, head in her hands. 

Jordan settled gently next to her and put her arm around her little sister’s shoulders, “Tess,” Jordan rubbed Teesa’s shoulders as she spoke, “I know this is not a good situation to be in, and I will get you out of it as soon as I can, I promise. I know I haven’t paid you attention today and you needed me and-”

“No, Jord,” Tessa stopped her sister before she could go any further, “today is about Ollie and the fun he is having. I am being selfish,” Tessa’s mind came back into focus as she realised that she never wanted to Jordan to feel guilty about giving her son her attention. Tessa suddenly felt a selfishness that she hadn’t realised she was embodying, “Ollie is enjoying spending time with Nate. Scott and I have caused enough upheaval and upset for both of our families, I am sure that we can manage an afternoon together.”

“Tessa, I know you and Gloria agreed to-”

“Jordan, honestly. It’s ok. It’s time I put some of the strength I have developed to the test, anyway. I am ok. Let’s go and eat and enjoy our family.”

Jordan couldn’t resist pulling Tessa into a hug, “I’m so proud of you, I don’t think I’ve told you en-”

“You’ve told me, Jord,” Tessa smiled as she returned her sister’s hug, “now let’s go get some food. I’m starving!”

Back in the lounge, the boys were in dry warm clothes and sat on the floor playing with a bucket of cars. Alma and Kate had disappeared to the kitchen to work their magic on the contents of Kate’s cupboard and Scott was sat on the sofa in dry sweatpants and a t-shirt. 

“Good job you Virtues leave your belongings around your mom’s house,” Scott smiled up at them, “I have Kevin to thank for these dry clothes.” 

“Kevin leaves his stuff around,” Jordan said as she knelt down on the floor to see what Ollie and Nate were upto, “Tess and I keep some clothes here because we visit mom!”

Tessa padded across the hardwood floor and towards Poppy, who was sitting on the opposite end of the sofa to Scott. Poppy shuffled over to allow her aunt space to sit down before curling herself around Tessa and snuggling into her. 

“You were a great big cousin today, Pops,” Tessa said quietly as she stroked the soft hair on Poppy’s forehead, “Ollie was lucky to have you with him.”

“Nate too,” Scott added, being the only other person in the room who had heard Tessa’s quiet words to Poppy. 

Tessa smiled at Scott’s addition to the conversation and the kindness that he showed towards Poppy. 

“You were very kind, sweetie,” Tessa dropped a kiss on Poppy’s head as she held her niece closer. 

Scott had somehow forgotten how good Tessa was with Poppy. Throughout their career everyone had always assumed that she had a coldness towards children, that she didn’t know how to approach them or how to interact with them. She had been labelled as unmaternal, but he had always known that what people saw in fan photos and at public events was Tessa’s own insecurity as a woman, not as a future mother, or a loving aunt. Everytime she sat beside him at a press conference, an interview or an autograph signing session, he felt the wall she erected around herself, the emotion that retreated and the ‘press ready’ Tess that replaced his loving, caring and warm partner. Once they were at home with their families, behind closed doors where she wasn’t on show or expected to perform, she was affectionate and kind and encouraging to both of their nieces and nephews. It was one of the things that he had always loved about her and about being with her; he got a version of her that no one else knew and it made him feel like there was something between them that was untouchable, that no one could break; only he could do that - and only he did. 

“Daddy,” Nate held a red car in the air and waved it in Scott’s direction, “Daddy!”

“I can see, Nate,” Scott grinned as he gave his son his attention, “nice car.”

Nate responded to his dad’s approval by bouncing on his bottom, still waving the car in the air with unbridled excitement. 

“Ok, everyone,” Alma’s cheery voice came from the kitchen, “food’s up!”

“Yes!” Poppy suddenly came to life in Tessa’s lap, “I am starving!” 

Scott and Tessa giggled at Poppy’s enthusiasm as she hopped down from the sofa and hurried to the kitchen and her grandma’s cooking. 

Scott pushed himself up from the sofa and joined Jordan, Nate and Ollie on the floor. As experienced parents, Jordan and Scott knew that the boys’ removal from the toys they were enjoying needed to be gentle if they had any hope of their children eating anything for dinner. He slid down next to Nate and stroked his leg gently. Nate thrust a car into Scott’s hand, thinking that his dad had come to join in with the fun he was having. 

“Thanks, bud,” Scott smiled as he took the car from Nate, “you have been playing like a good boy well done.”

“You have both been very good boys,” Jordan joined Scott in telling the boys how well they had behaved; making sure they were on the boys’ good side before they dragged them away from the toys they were enjoying. 

“Are you hungry, Ollie?” Jordan brought up the idea of food tactfully. 

Ollie ignored his mom’s words - a clear sign that he wasn’t going to be overly compliant. 

“Do you want food, Nate?” Scott tried a similar tactic as he tested the water. 

“Dinner?” Nate’s reply took Scott by surprise. 

“Yehp,” Scott nodded, “dinner time.”

Nate put his car to the floor instantly and got to his feet. Ollie, seeing his playmate stand up, copied Nate and they both stood waiting for their parents to lead them to the dinner table. Scott and Jordan looked at each other wide eyed; both fully aware of what they were getting away with! 

“Great,” Jordan chirped, “let’s go and see what the grandmas have rustled up for us!”

The air in the kitchen was warm and smelt of melted cheese, chicken, and family. Ollie ran straight to his high chair and attempted to clamber up its legs and into its seat. 

“Ollie,” Jordan’s voice was half a chastising safety warning and half a laugh as she picked her son up and placed him into the chair that sat at one end of the table. Poppy took her place at the table next to her cousin; she wanted to make sure that she continued to fulfill the caring the role that Tessa and Scott had so admired earlier in the evening. Kate settled next to Poppy and started pouring water into the glasses that sat at each place at the table. Alma took the chair at the opposite end of the table to Ollie, Scott sat next to her and placed Nate on his lap. Jordan sat at Ollie’s other side and Tessa was left to sit between Jordan and Scott. Everyone around the table suddenly became aware of their hunger and held their plates hungrily aloft as Alma and Kate dished out chicken and cheese pasta bake and salad. Scott placed Nate’s plate in front of him and cut up the pieces of pasta and chicken in order to allow them to cool down. He placed a carrot stick in his son’s waiting hand and watched as it disappeared into Nate’s mouth. 

“Try chewing, Nate,” Scott laughed at his son’s enthusiasm and Nate laughed back, the carrot stick, barely gnawed, fell from his mouth. The unexpected reappearance of the carrot made Nate giggle, which, in turn, elicited a giggle from Ollie at the other end of the table. All of the adults around the table felt their spirits rise as the two boys giggled at each other; they all realised in that moment just how much they all loved having young children to share the dinner table with. 

Once the food was dished out and the boys were calmed, the meal got underway and everyone was concentrated on eating their food. Scott juggled Nate on his lap as he made his son’s meal a priority over his own. When the chance arose he speared a piece of pasta or chicken on his own fork and popped it in his mouth. 

“Want me to take him so you can eat?” Tessa offered when she noticed that Nate was fed up with his food and had started to squirm around on Scott’s lap. 

“You don’t hav-” Scott was taken aback by Tessa’s offer. 

“And have you hangry?” Tessa smiled. 

“Well, noone wants that,” Scott responded with arched eyebrows. 

“We can sit together for a minute whilst your dad eats, can’t we, Nate?” Tessa stretched her arms out towards the little boy and he scrambled from his dad’s lap and into Tessa’s arms with a sense of joy and excitement. 

Scott smiled as he watched how easily Nate went to Tessa. He watched as Tessa pulled his son into her lap and wrapped her arms around him, keeping him safe and close. She took the napkin from beside her plate and folded it a few times in order to get Nate’s attention before handing it to him. 

Scott started to eat as he watched Nate trying to fold and unfold the napkin like Tessa had. He turned his focus fully to his food - he couldn’t afford to acknowledge the feeling that had the potential to streak through his chest, and so he ate the dinner he was hungry for.   
The scene at the dinner table did not go unnoticed by Alma, and she had to stifle a sigh that she felt rise in her chest as she looked at the table she thought she’d be sharing on a regular basis. Scott had never opened up about the specifics of what had happened with Tess and why he had walked away from the life he had been so happily living, or so it had seemed. Once they had finished touring, she imagined they would settle down and have a family of their own. She imagined Christmas mornings, baby showers, first skating lessons - her son sitting rigidly next to the love of his life as she held another woman’s child had not been part of the vision. 

“You boys have eaten well,” Kate smiled at Ollie and Nate, “I think I spotted some ice cream in the freezer.”

The mention of ice cream had Ollie bouncing in his chair, and Nate joined the excited celebration. He bounced on Tessa’s lap and clapped his hands in her direction. 

“Ice cream is definitely a hit on this side of the table,” Tessa smiled as she held onto Nate as he wriggled on her lap. 

Kate disappeared into the kitchen and emerged with a tub of chocolate ice cream and a packet of sugar waffles. OIlie banged his spoon against the plastic tray table of his high chair as he watched his grandma cut a waffle into pieces for him and place a scoop of ice cream on top of it. Nate watched in wonder and anticipation as Kate prepared his bowl. His little eyes grew wide as Kate placed it in front of him and Tessa handed him a spoon to eat with. 

“Look at his face,” Alma laughed as she watched her grandson look into his bowl. 

“I don’t think he’s had waffle before,” Scott smiled as he watched his son attempt to dig his spoon into the large scoop of ice cream that was sat before him. 

“Never had waffle!” Tessa feigned astonishment, “what kind of parenting is it you’re doing, Scott!”

Tessa’s teasing drew laughter from the adults around the table, and there was a clear shift in the air as it settled more easily around them all. 

“He’s deprived, clearly,” Scott joked back, “thank goodness I brought him to the Virtues, you’ve saved him from a waffleless life.”

“Thank goodness,” Tessa stroked Nate’s back absentmindedly as she spoke.

“And he’s eating it the proper way,” Jordan added to the conversation, “none of this whipped cream nonsense they try to sell you in Europe!”

The laughter that spilled from Alma, Kate and Jordan covered the silence that fell instantly between Tessa and Scott. The air between them was no longer lighter, no longer freer, instead it was heavy with the past and the happiness of their trip to Antwerp. They both feel backwards, cobbled streets beneath their feet, warm waffles and cream, a stolen public kiss against the darkness of the lapping Scheldt. Scott, always pegged as the less cerebral of the two, never explained to anyone how he often wondered whether their paths were already drawn out at that point; whether, even as in that moment, as he pressed his warm lips to hers, the heartache and pain that would tear through their lives was already written and waiting. He never voiced how, even if it had, even if the future was already written, he wouldn’t have changed a second about that moment; it was a perfection that he’d never felt again, and knowing it existed was worth the way she tore his heart apart when she rejected him. 

“Scott,” Tessa’s voice replaced the river’s rhythmic motion as it faded back into the past. 

Her voice turned his head and he saw a chocolate covered fist being thrust in his direction. 

“There is a piece of waffle in there somewhere,” Tessa laughed as she motioned towards Nate’s closed fist, “not sure you will be the first person to chew it, though.”

“Delightful,” Scott giggled as he took the food from his son and moved it towards his lips, “yummy,” Scott’s overenthusiasm for the half chewed food he’d skillfully deposited on the napkin spread across his lap seemed genuine to Nate, and he reached back to his bowl in order to offer his dad second helpings. 

“That’s ok, bud,” Scott smiled before his son could serve him anymore of his dessert, “you eat it up.”

The chatter around the table continued as the adults ate their dessert and the children made the most of the food freedom their parents were allowing them. By the end of the meal, Ollie and Nate were covered in chocolate ice cream.

“I think we ought to get you in the bath, Ollie,” Kate smiled as she looked at her chocolate ice cream covered grandson sitting like a king at the head of the table. 

“Yeah,” Scott smiled, “we should get Nate home and cleaned up.”

“Bath him here,” Jordan said as if it was the simplest thing in the world to suggest, “we have plenty of pajamas he can wear.”

“Erm-” Scott didn’t want to impose himself and his son on Kate and her family for longer than was polite. 

“Look at them,” Jordan arched her eyebrow as she spoke, “there’s not going to be sleeping going on any time soon!”

The ice cream covered toddlers were giggling and clapping with energy levels that proved Jordan’s point exactly. 

“If that’s ok,” Scott was grateful for the offer as Nate crawled from Tessa’s lap and back to his, bringing his chocolate explosion with him. 

“Of course it’s ok,” Kate smiled as she stood from the table in order to get Ollie from his high chair. 

Tessa felt her phone vibrate in her pocket before the sound of its ring filled the room. The display told her that it was one of the people working with her on Virtuous Futures’ next project, so she stood up, excused herself and headed upstairs to take the call in private. 

“Maybe it’s Ava,” Poppy swallowed her last spoonful of ice cream before answering the question about how was calling Tessa that was on everyone’s lips. 

“Who’s Ava?” Kate’s question was asked casually as she lifted Ollie’s arms above his head in order to strip him of his ice cream covered t-shirt. 

Jordan felt her heart race at the mention of Ava’s name. She had neglected to think about the fact that Tessa had, quite purposely and strictly, kept Ava’s existence a secret from their mother. 

“She’s Tessa’s neighbour,” it was the first thing that Jordan could think to say, “she was at Tessa’s earlier when we met there.”

“I’m surprised Tessa knows her London neighbours,” Kate’s voice wasn’t unkind or laced with judgement, but there was a hint, to the careful listener, of frustration at her younger daughter’s habit of spending her time in the Toronto apartment she had purchased, “she’s in Toronto more than she is here these days.”

“Working with the foundation,” Jordan was quick to defend her sister as she knew that Tessa needed time on her own, away from London, and, to an extent, Kate, in order to find her own peace and in order to have the freedom that brought her a relationship like that she had with Ava. 

Kate chose to ignore Jordan’s comment, knowing that her daughters would both stick up for each other - something she was secretly proud of them for doing. 

“Right, mister,” Kate kissed Ollie on the head, careful to avoid the chocolate that covered almost every inch of his skin, “let’s get you in the bath.”

Ollie allowed himself to be pulled from the chair and went willingly into his grandma’s arms.

“Give me a chance to wash him, and then bring Nate up?” Kate suggested to Scott as she walked towards the door, “once they’re together there’s no chance of getting them both washed at the same time. 

“Good plan!” Scott smiled as he started to undress his son. 

Alma and Jordan busied themselves with clearing the table. Poppy was pleased to be given tasks to do to help them, and the three of them chatted away as they cleared and washed. 

Having agreed some important details for the school visits she was planning with Virtuous Futures, Tessa ended her phone call and got up from the edge of the bed in the spare room with a spring in her step. She was passionate about empowering young girls to forge their own way in the business world, and she was excited about the school visits she had planned. As she left the bedroom, she heard the unmistakable sound of Ollie’s laughter filling the bathroom. She pushed the door open with a smile. 

“Hey,” Scott looked up at her from his position on the floor where he was helping Nate to undress. 

Tessa hadn’t thought about who she would find in the bathroom. It hadn’t occurred to her to consider the possibility of Scott being in there, much less on his own. 

Ollie, having spotted Tessa in the doorway, splashed as he jumped up and down. 

“Sorry, I didn’t know you were in here,” her apology was aimed at Scott as she crossed the room to reach Ollie. 

“These pair managed to make quite a mess with the ice cream,” Scott smiled as he ignored the apology. 

Ollie thrust a bucket towards Tessa, slopping water over and out of it and onto the floor. Tessa took the bucket from him and filled it with bath water before placing one of his toy boats in it. No sooner had she given the bucket back to Ollie was it empty once more and being thrust back into her hands. 

“You’re a bath time favourite,” Scott smiled as he watched Ollie playing with Tessa. 

If either of them heard the double entendre whine from beneath the layers of their past, neither of them acknowledged it. 

“I used to bath him quite a lot,” Tessa replied, “when I lived with Jordan.”

An uneasiness fell as both parties reeled at the admission. Although Scott knew that Tessa had suffered after he left her, he had been somewhat protected from the details, and hearing about a part of her life from which he had been totally excluded was difficult and strange. 

"Da," Nate, now fully naked and ready for his bath, pulled on the bottom of Scott's t-shirt as he spoke. He tried to pull Scott's t-shirt up and over his head.

"Not today," Scott felt an unfamiliar flush of embarrassment hit his cheeks as he sat with his torso exposed for a moment before he pulled his t-shirt back down. 

Nate stamped his feet in protest of his dad's fully clothed status and his absence from his bath. 

"No stamping," Scott's voice delivered just the right amount of chastisement and care, "you're having a bath with Ollie tonight."

Nate, still fully persuaded by his dad's idea, bowed his head and pushed it into his dad's chest as he folded against him. 

"Hey, bud," Scott kissed him on the top of the head as he spoke, "you'll have a fun bath with Ollie."

"Hey, Nate," Tessa spoke gently as she stroked the little boy's soft hand, "you want to play boats?"

Her words drew Nate's attention and he looked up slowly from Scott's chest to look at the boat that Tessa was holding towards him. 

"Boat," Nate's voice was still low and quiet but he looked through his lashes at Tessa and the boat. 

"You going to come and play?" Tessa held her arms out towards Nate and he drew back slowly from Scott's body.

"Shall we get you in?" Nate moved towards Tessa and allowed her to lift him into the bath. She settled him gently into the water before giving him the toy boat and engaging him in floating it.

"Thanks," Scott smiled as he watched Nate play, "bath time is one of our 'things', so he thought I'd be getting in too."

It was on the tip of Tessa's tongue to say that having a bath with his son was sweet, that Nate was lucky to have Scott as a dad, that she'd always known he'd be a good dad. She stayed silent, biting back the thoughts, sending them back down to the pit of her stomach. 

They both smiled as Nate and Ollie played with their boats, putting them into their buckets before tipping them out again. 

Downstairs, the washing up was almost complete when Kate joined Alma, Jordan and Poppy on the kitchen. 

"Looks like I arrived just in time," Kate smiled as she saw Jordan pouring wine into glasses.

"Ollie out of the bath already?" Jordan asked with a note of surprise in her voice. 

"No," Kate said nonchalantly, hoping the tone carried into her next sentence, "Tessa and Scott are bathing the boys."

Everyone in the room, bar Poppy, stopped and looked at Kate. 

"The boys are a good buffer," Kate answered the questions that were asked in Jordan and Alma's looks. 

"Dinner seemed ok," Alma added.

"I'll check in on them once we've finished here," Jordan replied, her words the only agreement she was willing to give. 

Just as Jordan had finished speaking a peal of laughter rang from upstairs. There was silence in the kitchen as all of the women in the room were taken back in time. They were taken back to a time when the sound of their joint laughter rang out through the house. No one put their thoughts into words, but rather drank them down with another sip of wine. 

The laughter that rang from the bathroom was as a response to Nate washing Ollie's hair and missing his head entirely. 

"Well," Scott smiled at his son and then at Tessa, "it's better than what I usually get when he washes my hair. I just get a face full of soapy water in my eyes."

"Da," Nate held his pruned hands up to Scott. 

"You're shriveling up!" Scott smiled. 

Ollie saw Nate holding his hands up to Scott and followed his friend's lead. 

"You too, Ollie," Scott smiled as he held the young boy's wrist and inspected his hands.

"I think it's time to get out and get ready for bed, boys," Tessa smiled. 

Tessa got to her feet, "I'll grab them some pajamas," she smiled as she left the room. 

As Tessa left to find something to dress the boys in, Scott found two fluffy towels and picked the boys out of the bath one at a time. He wrapped the towels carefully, but tightly around the boys. 

"I think these should fit," Tessa said as she returned to the bathroom and laid the pajamas out on the bathroom floor between herself and Scott. The two boys stood in front of them, pleased at their matching towels. 

They took one boy each, Tessa drying Ollie and Scott making sure that Nate was dry. 

"Oh, night diapers," Tessa remembered as she stood up to leave again, "do you need one?"

"Yes, please."

Tessa disappeared once more and returned holding two diapers. She handed one to Scott and placed the other on the floor beside her as she knelt down in front of Ollie. She rubbed the fluffy towel over Ollie's skin until he was dry. She gave him a cuddle before encouraging him to lie on the towel that she had laid out on the floor. Ollie made himself heavy and tried to resist Tessa's encouragement. She spoke to him gently, explaining that it was time for him to put his diaper on. Ollie, still putting up resistance, let out a stubborn moan.

"Just for a sec, Ollie," Tessa rubbed the little boy's back as she tried to coax him to the floor again. As Tessa grew more encouraging, Ollie grew more resistant. 

Tessa looked over at Nate. Scott already had him in his nappy and pajama bottoms. 

"Hey, Ollie," Scott called the little boy's attention to him as he distracted him with a bath toy.

Ollie turned to look at Scott and smiled at the toy he was holding. Scott drew him closer, drawing in his attention.

"OK," Scott smiled at Tessa, "get the diaper now and feed it through his legs." 

Tessa placed the diaper between Ollie's legs and pulled it upwards. Scott continued to entertain him, making him giggle. 

"Now just put it around his waist. Don't worry about getting it too tight, he's not going to move around too much once he's asleep anyway."

Tessa followed Scott's instructions and pulled the diaper's fastenings snuggly around Ollie's waist before securing them. 

"Perfect," Scott smiled at Tessa, "you're a natural."

"Hardly," Tessa scoffed, "diapers are pretty basic."

"And two year olds are slippery customers!" Scott's voice was light and reassuring.

"You did it in no time."

"I do it everyday."

"You're a good dad, Scott," the words were out before Tessa could stop them. 

"And you're a good aunt, T," her nickname fell easily and comfortably from his lips, "and you'll be a good mom someday, too."

"I'm looking for a clean little boy," Jordan's sing song voice arrived in the bathroom before she did. Her jovial words caused the moment to fold back in on itself and slink cautiously away into the shadows.

"There he is!" Jordan popped her head around the door frame. The spell was broken, the mist drew in and the present was made rigid by the past. 

"All clean," Tessa became animated, her tone matching the painted smile on her face as she turned to face Jordan. 

Scott finished dressing Nate, the moment lingered slightly longer within him and he used his son as a focus as he readjusted to the shift in the room. The walls had closed in softly when they were alone; a white border around a Polaroid moment. He breathed deeply as the walls expanded once more and let in the world they had created with their pain and suffering. 

Ollie toddled over to Jordan, arms outstretched and keen for a hug. He rubbed his eyes as Jordan lifted him from his feet and snuggled him closely. 

"Looks like I'd best get this one to bed," Jordan smiled as she stroked Ollie's back. 

"Yes," Scott found his feet and his voice as the room realigned, "I don't want to run the risk of having to face the wrath of a tired two year old tomorrow."

"Mom said she'd run you back to your car whenever you're ready," Jordan smiled at Scott.

"We're staying here with Mom tonight," Jordan informed Tessa, "I'll grab my car tomorrow. Mom said she'd drop you home, or you can stay he-"

"I can drop you home," Scott hoped he didn't sound too enthusiastic, "if you want, you know, if you're going home."

"That would be great, thanks," Tessa accepted his offer calmly. She knew Scott was being kind, and she didn't want him to feel awkward. 

"Great," Scott smiled in response. 

"Da," Nate wriggled at Scott's hip as he started to rub his eyes.   
***

The stars were beginning to show themselves as Scott drew up slowly beside Tessa's house. Nate was already sleeping softly in the back of the car, and Alma was smiling deeply and peacefully as she watched her grandson's eyes roll and flicker beneath his eyelids. 

"Thanks," Tessa smiled as Scott stopped the car. She turned around in her seat to look into the back of the car, "it was nice to see you Alma," she said simply. 

"It was nice to see you, too, Tess," Alma smiled back. 

Scott could feel Tessa's unease radiating from her. He felt the barrier ascend around her, and the soft and open moment in the bathroom seemed like it was imagined. It had taken him many years to get beyond Tessa's fortifications, and he knew he had no right to be allowed close to her ever again.

"Thanks for the lift Scott," Tessa gathered her bag as she spoke, "have a safe journey home."

"Thanks," Scott joined her lack of emotion, "goodnight."

"Goodnight," Tessa's body was more than half our of the car before she spoke, and then the door was closed and she was gone.   
Her footsteps took her to the front door. Her focus remained on the key and the lock, her gaze never faltering, her eyes never turning from the task. The door clicked shut and the day was over. 

Later that night, as she lay beneath the soft folds of her quilt, Tessa felt the past begin to surface, felt a weight in the bed beside her, the soft scent of lemon and verbena drift through the air. She turned, and pulled the covers more tightly around her body. She turned onto her side and closed her eyes, shutting out the world. 

Her phone rang out silently on the nightstand at her back as Ava's call was left unanswered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next, Scott returns to Florida.


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple of short chapters on the way, starting with this one.

Following his late arrival home after his previous visit to Ilderton, Scott made the decision to stay at his mom's on the Sunday night and travel home on the Monday morning. He and Nate felt refreshed as they pulled up in front of the house. They had travelled well and felt physically well rested, but more more importantly, they felt spiritually enriched. Time with family had given them both what they needed to be happy and settled. However, despite his joy, Scott felt anxiety roll through his stomach as he made his way towards the front door of his house. He had decided, without hesitation, that he was going to tell Jena about Tessa and the fair as soon as he got home. He didn't want to keep anything from her; he had worked so hard at their relationship and didn't want to sacrifice his efforts by keeping information from her. He had nothing to hide; he had acted morally and honestly. The fact that he'd spent time with Tess wasn't something he needed to hide or to feel guilty about as far as he was concerned. He knew Jena had booked the day off following her friend's hen party, and he was set to tell her as soon as he walked through the door  
.  
After Scott had opened the door, Nate toddled in behind still clutching a cuddly elephant that Alma had given to him. Scott dropped their bags in the hallway before heading through to the lounge. He became instantly aware of Jena’s absence from the house. He headed to the bedroom to confirm that she was not there. He found the bed made as it had been before he left. He reached into his pocket for his phone and woke the screen to find no messages. He sent a quick text to let her know that they were home. 

“Daddy,” he looked down to see Nate standing at his leg, arms outstretched and looking for comfort. 

“Hey little man,” Scott smiled as he picked him up and held him against his chest, “shall we make some lunch?”

“Toast?” Nate smiled at his dad’s question. 

“You had toast at Grandma’s,” Scott smiled, “how about some soup?”

Nate nodded his head in agreement before wriggling to get down from his dad’s arms so that they could both head to the kitchen. With Nate placed securely in his high chair, Scott set about warming soup and cutting wholemeal bread into chunks. Scott took a deep breath as he stood stirring the warming soup; he had been hoping to talk to Jena straight away so that he didn’t have to sit with the information about his weekend. However, her absence meant that he would have time to think and stew before he was able to tell her. He checked himself as he poured the warm soup into a bowl - there was nothing for him to stew over; he hadn’t done anything wrong. He placed the soup on Nate’s tray table and put a piece of bread in his hand. Nate hungrily sucked at the bread before dumping it into his bowl of soup. Scott smiled as he watched him eat. He was taken back to the meal at Kate’s house and the resulting chocolate explosion. He felt a sense of happiness that warmed his core as he remembered Ollie and Nate splashing in the bath together. He realised then that he felt heavier than he had all weekend, and that the lightness that had run through his body with a bright purity was now infused with a grey mist that dulled his senses and made him feel as if he were walking underwater.

He watched Nate feed himself and smiled at his son’s independence. He was so thankful for the weekend Nate had experienced - he felt that his son has been shown the feeling of true love and acceptance. He liked the positivity that vibrated around them now as the weekend’s nurishment clung to them. Scott sipped at the coffee he had made for himself as he unlocked his phone in order to check his messages - still nothing from Jena. He checked his emails and found a message from Patrice. His friend’s usual jovial tone spoke to him even through the text of an email. The message was reminding him of the anniversary party that he and Marie were throwing. Patrice said that he hoped Scott could make it, and that it was an ‘open house’ - everyone, family and friends, welcome. Scott clicked on a link to the party’s website, which Patrice told him in brackets, was Billie’s work. The website, jumping with flowers and multitudinous shades of pink, told Scott the date and time of the party. It also showed those who had been formally invited along with the their ‘RSVP status’. He scrolled down the list to see that Tessa is marked as ‘apology sent’. His heart fluttered, and he made a mental note to stop drinking so much caffeine. 

“Hi,” Jena’s voice was accompanied by the shutting of the front door and Scott found himself hastily closing the email and pushing his phone deep into his pocket. 

“We’re in the kitchen,” Scott called out cheerily. 

“Hello sweetie,” Jena headed straight for Nate and placed a soft kiss on her son’s head. 

“Ma,” Nate bounced in his chair when he saw his mother. 

“That soup looks yummy,” Jena smiled as she watched her son balancing the soup on his spoon with care. 

“Share,” Nate grinned as he held a piece of bread towards his mom. 

“Thank you,” Jena smiled as she took the bread and pretended to eat it. 

“We were expecting you to be home before us,” Scott smiled as he got up from his seat and headed towards the stove and the still warm coffee. 

“I stayed around for a girls’ breakfast,” Jena explained as she sat at the breakfast bar and watched Nate eat, “wasn’t feeling up to driving when I woke up anyway.”

“Sounds like a good weekend,” Scott smiled as he placed a cup of steaming coffee in front of her. 

“Good,” Jena agreed as she sipped at the coffee, “but I think I’m getting too old for it!” she chuckled.

“We had a good time too,” Scott took his chance whilst the conversation was in topic. 

“How was the fair?” Jena’s question was aimed at Nate rather than at Scott. 

“It was good, wasn’t, bud?” Scott addressed Nate too. 

Nate nodded, “rain,” was all he managed to say between mouthfuls of bread and soup. 

“There was a downpour,” Scott explained, “it was torrential. We were at the fair and it just came from nowhere.”

“Oh no,” Jena sounded genuinely concerned. 

“All of the rides closed,” Scott started to paint a picture of the scene that he and their son were involved in, “Nate was on the train ride and the guy stopped it so the children could get off.”

“Sounds like a washout.”

“It really was,” Scott replied, “luckily we were rescued by Kate - Jordan and Tessa’s mom. Jordan was there with her son and when it started raining Kate came to collect them and gave us a ride too. Good job she did as well because it didn’t let up for a while after we left and the car park was flooded.” Scott paused to take a breath. 

“So she took you back to your car?” Jena tried her best to keep her voice light and positive. 

“We went back to Kate’s to dry the children off first,” Scott tried to sound nonchalant. 

“And she was there?” 

Jena’s use of the pronoun ignited something in Scott which he battled to push down as it rose in his chest, 

“Yes,“ Scott replied, hoping that his voice sounded neutral, “Tessa was there. She was at the fair with Jordan.”

“So, what? You dried off and then went back to your car?” Jena’s voice had a harsh edge to it - she knew the answer she was likely to get and she knew exactly how she was likely to respond to it, but she lacked the self-control and awareness to prevent the argument she knew she was about to create .

“We ate dinner - my mom and Kate cooked - Nate had a bath and then we went back to the car once the rain had stopped.”

“Sounds like quite the family occasion,” Jena’s words were laced with an anger that Scott knew was going to erupt, The intonation on the word family tightened his chest and he felt his own anger begin to rise.The peace and tranquility of the weekend enabled him to keep his emotions in check. 

“Look, Jena,” he dropped all pretences, knowing that an argument was an inevitable conclusion to the conversation, and wanting to get it over and done with as soon as possible, “we spent the afternoon with the Virtues - it wasn’t by design, but we were grateful for their hospitality. The weather was horrendous and Kate offered us shelter. Tessa was there, yes, we ate at the same table and I gave her a lift home afterwards. My mom was there too and her mom and Jordan and Ollie and Nate and Poppy - we weren’t alone, it wasn’t planned and it wasn’t anything other than kindness.”

“A fairground is a pretty big place, Scott,” Jena’s anger had risen, “you can’t have just seen her there by chance, you must have known she was going to be there.”

“We were all at the same ride. The train, it was pure chance, Jena.”

“Seems that you two just keep getting thrown together by chance,” Jena was seething. 

“Jena, please, we have been here before.”

“Don’t I know it,” Jena rose from her chair, pushing it backwards with a force that startled Nate and caused him to begin whimpering. Seeing that she had upset her son fuelled Jena’s anger and she could do nothing other than storm from the room in silence. 

Scott felt his breath return as the front door slammed shut. He picked Nate from his chair and cuddled him, soothing his whimpering with soft words. They had fought plenty - over this same topic repeatedly - but the quiet yet explosive anger with which his words had been met was disconcerting. The absence of yelling was more tiring than the usual verbal assault they launched against each other. He knew that all he could do was wait for her to return and hope that she had calmed down. He was unsure what to expect as it was usually him who walked away from the situation. With Nate more comfortable in his arms he decided to settle on the sofa and turn on the sport he’d missed over the weekend. 

***  
Scott had just finished settling Nate into bed when he heard to front door being unlocked and then softly shut. He heard Jena remove her shoes and make her way towards the lounge. He left a soft kiss on his son’s head before heading downstairs to have what he knew would be a difficult conversation. 

“Hi,” he tested the water. 

“Hey,” he could hear the lack of fight in Jena’s voice, “can we talk?”

“Sure.”

They made their way to the lounge, Scott sat in the armchair that faced the fire and Jena settled on the sofa. 

“I can’t go on like this, Scott.”

Scott remained silent, letting her words sink into his skin, opening his mind and trying to connect to her persepctive. 

“For whatever reason - and that’s not important now - you can’t seem to discontect from her.”

Scott felt an overwhelming sense of injustice rise within him. He took a deep breath and kept it at bay as he listened to his wife. 

“Perhaps it’s because you’re unhappy, perhaps it’s to do with our relationship, or maybe it’s about Nate, I don’t know. But I know one thing, Scott - I can’t live with only a part of you. When we got married you told me that I would have you all. I saw this coming, and I asked you and you promised. I still beieve that you want to keep to your promise, Scott; you’re a good man. You need time to work out what you’re feeling, and I need time too.”

“Jena, I-”

“Scott, please, just listen,” Jena was focused on what she was saying, knowing she needed to get through what she as thinking and what she wanted to say, “I think we both need some time apart, a weekend, a week, just some time to think about where we are and how we’re feeling.”

“Ok,” Scott knew that her mind was set, and if he was honest, he knew that what she was saying was logical, “so, you want me to move out? You-”

“No, Scott, no. Of course not. We’re a family. Regardless of what is going on with us, I don’t want Nate to feel that anything is different for him.” 

“Ok,” Scott knew that he had to let her call the shots on this one, and so he was quiet and waited for her to put forward her plan.

“I am going to spend the week at my parent’s house. I am working late most nights this week anyway, and it is closer to the office. Then, I want to spend the weekend there with Nate - on my own.”

“Ok.”

“It’s not about Nate,” Jena was quick to make clear that she hd no intention of using their son as a pawn in their reationship, “I feel like I haven’t seen him properly lately - which is of my doing - and I would like to spend some time with him and my parents.”

“That’s fine,” Scott felt the separation from his son hit him before it had even happened, but the one thing he was sure of about Jena was that she loved their son and that she respected him as Nate’s father. He knew with absoute certainty that she was not trying to use Nate against him in any way, “I understand. Do you want me to drop him off at your parent’s house on Friday?”

“I’ll come and collect him,” Jena had clearly already planned the week in her head, “I will take a half day at work and collect him around lunchtime.”

“I’ll have him ready,” Scott felt as if they were doing a business deal. 

“Thanks,” Jena said quietly, bringing the conversation to a conclusion. 

“Ok,” Scott wasn’t sure how they were meant to move on from such a momumental conversation. 

“I’ll go and pack my bag,” Jena stood from the sofa and made her way out of the lounge. 

Scott was left alone in the empty room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up - we're at the airport.


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter as we set the scene for an interesting and revealing party.

Tessa took a sip of the red wine that sat in her hand. 

"Can I get you anything else?" the waiter stood at the private booth inhabited by Tessa, Jordan and Ava. 

"I'm fine," Tessa responded sweetly.

"Everything's great," Jordan smiled. 

"Nothing I need," Ava was the last to answer. 

With assurance that he could be contacted via the call button at their table, the waiter took his leave. After he'd departed Ava left the table to visit the bathroom.

"Thanks for this, Tess," Jordan smiled at her sister, "it was kind of you to book us such nice plane tickets," Jordan paused as she tried to gauge Tessa's reception of her words, "most unlike you, though. The opulence, I mean, not the generosity."

Tessa thought about lying, thought about shrugging her sister's comment off with a light hearted response about how they all deserved it, or perhaps a joke about how they'd suffered enough in the rain at the fair the previous weekend, but she knew that Jordan's comment was well timed and loaded. 

"I'm not ashamed," she said simply. 

"No, I know," Jordan replied with care, "but you don't have to pay to protect Ava either."

"I know," Tessa responded, "it's just new - she's been my girlfriend for a week. Mom doesn't even know, remember."

"I'm glad Ava made you commit," Jordan smiled.

"She didn't," Tessa said simply, "I asked her." 

"Oh," Jordan was almost speechless.

"I know what you're going to say," Tessa jumped in, "and yes, it is what I want, and yes, I am ready, and no I don't think I have to - I want to. But I also want to keep her for myself right now - I don't want her photographed and questioned and discussed online."

"Hence the reason we're in the most exclusive airport lounge in Canada," Jordan smiled. 

"She has the right to choose," Tessa said simply. As had always been her approach, she accepted her fame as her own choice, and never her friends’ and family's. 

"And this weekend?" Jordan asked. 

"We’re saying she’s my friend," Tessa said honestly, "we both decided that's how we wanted it. We don't need anyone else to know at the moment."

"I'm not judging, Tess," Jordan was quick to make sure that her sister didn't think she was asking about her relationship with Ava for any reason other than because she cared for her. 

"I know," Tessa replied honestly, " but I know you care and that you want to see me happy and I am grateful for that. I've come a long way and Ava has gently brought me to a point where I can open my heart again."

Jordan wanted to ask Tessa how she felt about the afternoon she’d spent with Scott the previous weekend, wanted to ask about how spending time with the man she'd loved for most of her life affected her relationship with her girlfriend of a week, but she knew Tessa well enough to know that it was not a topic she was going to be willing to discuss - a topic she had likely not even allowed herself to think about. She kept quiet and gave Tessa the room she needed. She knew that, if and when she was needed, her sister would approach and ask for help and support. The days of Tessa not knowing her own situation were in the past, and that was something Jordan was unendingly grateful for. 

"Heated wash cloths," Ava chuckled as she slid back into the booth, "it really is posh here."

"Nice," Jordan replied with a smile, "think I'll check those out for myself. It will be time to board soon," she slid out of the booth and headed to the washrooms. 

"I'm not used to this life of luxury like you," Ava smiled as she settled next to Tessa on the soft bench seat. 

"Oh, I don't usually go for this kind of thing," Tessa smiled as she sipped her wine. 

"But you have this time," Ava's voice was a little heavier than it had been when she returned to the booth, "trying to impress me, Miss Virtue?" Ava smiled seductively. 

"I have far more ingenious ways to impress you than an airport lounge," Tessa joined Ava's flirting. 

"Then because you want to hide me?" Ava's voice took on a serious tone. She had been thinking about how to bring the topic up in conversation with Tessa without making a big deal of her thoughts, but also in a way in which she could let Tessa know that she understood her apprehension and her need to be careful and to adjust. She wanted Tessa to know that her expectations hadn't changed. In the week since they had formalised their relationship they had only spent a night together and talking about their relationship had been the last thing on their minds. 

The booth they were sat in was surrounded by frosted privacy glass at three of the sides, meaning that no one could see into the booth. There were other booths in the room in which people were chatting quietly. The front of the booth was open to the room, and the booth opposite which, at that point, was empty. Tessa took a deep breath before moving closer to Ava, closing the space between them. She reached to her side and took Ava's hand in hers, leant forward and placed her lips against Ava's as she pulled her towards her own body. She parted Ava's lips with her tongue and kissed her with a passion that took Ava by surprise. 

"I don't want to hide you, Ava," Tessa nuzzled the side of Ava's neck as she whispered into her ear, "I am not ashamed of you, of our relationship, I just-" 

Ava silenced Tessa with a kiss of her own before snaking her arms around Tessa's waist and speaking quietly, creating their own little world within the booth, "I am happy and proud to be with you, Tess," Ava rubbed her nose against Tessa's, "but I don't need us to be public, I don't need anyone to know anything about us and our life. I am happy to be coming with you this weekend and I am looking forward to spending time with you, but I don't need to be there as your girlfriend, not to anyone else. We've been through this before and nothing has changed about my expectations of our relationship."

"I want your expectations to change," Tessa replied in a whisper, "I want you to expect me to explain myself, to expect me to be there, and to expect me to include you in my life. I just can't open us up to anyone else at the moment. I don't want us to be exposed when our relationship is still so new."

"I understand, Ava smiled, "I get it. This is real, Tess, for me this is real."

"Me too," Tessa smiled in response to Ava's words. 

Having shared a moment that really should have been stolen, but which felt calm and permitted the two women smiled at each other as they sipped at their wine. 

"Our gate's up," Jordan informed Ava and Tessa as she arrived back at the booth. 

The three women made their way through the airport to their gate. They boarded before everyone else and found their way to the front of the plane where their seats were located. There were only six seats in the cabin, three on each side of the aisle. The seats were large and like armchairs. They were independent of each other and capable of swivelling a full 360 degrees. The chairs gave them privacy from the other three people they were sharing the cabin with. As soon as they were boarded, a flight assistant came to offer them drinks and to settle them into their seats for the journey to Montreal.   
With their bags stowed in the overhead lockers and drinks in their hands, Tessa, Ava and Jordan settled down for the flight. They were soon underway and cruising through the skies. Tessa sighed as she sat back in her seat and let the softness take her weight. The decision to attend Patrice and Marie’s party was one that she had made at the last minute. When Marie had first sent her the link to the party website a few months earlier she had not been in a place where she felt she wanted to socialise with anyone, let alone attend a big party. Things had changed since then - things had changed in the last week - and she felt lighter and happier than she had in over a year. She was pleased to be sat between her sister and her girlfriend and travelling towards two people who had been a big part of her life - both professionally and personally. She had disconnected from everyone after they had cancelled ‘Rock the Rink’. If truth be told, she became somewhat of a recluse, and she was ready to start living her life again and enjoying the company of her friends. She knew Marie and Patrice would be as happy to see her as she was to see them and she was looking forward to catching up with them. She closed her eyes gently and lent back into the peace that surrounded her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wonder where Scott will decide to spend his weekend without Nate and Jena, hmm...


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first night of the party brings some surprises. 
> 
> Enjoy.

Scott sat back against the comfortable support of the taxi’s backseat. He looked out onto the Montreal evening and smiled as he took in the familiar streets as they passed by. He was taken back to another time; another life. He and Tessa had created some of his favourites memories on these streets, in these cafes, in their apartments. The training had been tough, but every stretch and bead of sweat had been for her. Over time it had become about him too; about them. But, in the beginning, for him it had been about her. It had been about the way he had let her down after Sochi, it had been about how he had shut her out and abandoned her. He wanted to make it up to her, and to give her the chance to be everything he knew she could become and to win all that she deserved. The days had been long and bittersweet; often they arrived home long after the sun had set, but knowing that they would eat together and then curl into each other on her sofa made the days all the more bearable. Sometimes they would fall into bed with each other, sometimes they would sleep in their own beds, sometimes they would just sleep anywhere they could. Back then their relationship was undefined - they’d never lied about that. The boundaries were loose and they didn’t feel the need to explain themselves to anyone - not even to themselves. 

The taxi took the turning for Westmount and the quaint cafes gave way to a sprawling urban opulence. The leaf green sidewalks were punctuated by gated driveways that led down brick-paved drives to intimidating front doors looking out onto perfectly manicured lawns adorned with ornate bird feeders and perfect wooden benches. Scott reached into the pocket of his jeans in order to retrieve his wallet. He unfolded the soft leather and his heart felt heavy as he saw Nate’s smiling face looking back at him. The photo he kept in his wallet was an old one, but it was one of his favourites because it was taken on a day out at the park that he and Nate had really enjoyed. It wasn’t a particularly significant day - not a birthday or an anniversary or a celebration, but it was a day in which Scott remembers feeling peaceful and happy. He and Nate had spent the day playing on the grass with a bag of toys that they’d both chosen from Nate’s overflowing toy box. The scent of summer grass danced around Scott’s nostrils as he looked into Nate’s bright smile. He felt a deep sense of pain in his heart as he thought about his son. He knew that Nate was safe; more than safe because he was a with a mother who adored him and he would be being lavished with love by Jena’s family, but he still missed having his boy by his side. They had not been separated for more than a night for a very long time and the thought of a weekend away from Nate proved tough for Scott.

The car drew to a slow stop next to a long driveway that led to an elaborate Victorian style house. Patrice had called Scott to remind him about the party and tell him that it would be good to see him, and it was the house that they had rented for the occasion that his friend had been most excited about. Knowing that many of their friends would be coming from out of town, Patrice and Marie had decided to rent a large house for the weekend so that everyone could stay together and enjoy the whole weekend in the house. Scott shouldered his weekend bag and headed down the driveway towards the front door. His attention was taken by the balconies on the front of the house. He looked up at the beautiful black ironwork that provided a barrier against a fall from what he estimated must have been at least the fourth floor of the house. Scott found the front door open and the sound of soft music playing into the falling night. 

“Scott!” Trennt Michaud hadn’t been the first person Scott had expected to see, “long time no see! How are you?” Trennt’s words were accompanied by a pat on the back. 

“I’m good, man,” Scott smiled as he embraced the warm welcome from Trennt, “I’m good.”

“I have to say, I didn’t expect to see you,” Trennt half laughed, “but it’s good to. Really good to. All things in the past and all that. Let’s get you a beer,” Trennt talked hurriedly as his excitement at seeing Scott flowed freely. 

Scott felt relaxed to know that Trennt was happy to see him. He hadn’t spoken to Kaetlyn since the cancellation of ‘Rock the Rink’, and had he known she and Trennt were going to be at the party, he wouldn’t have allowed himself to be talked into attending by Patrice. Time was a healer, he supposed, and he would be delighted to connect with Kaetlyn again. 

The kitchen was filled with people chatting and drinking. Scott recognised a couple of faces as people that Marie and Patrice had worked with in the past. He nodded and said hello to a couple of people as Trennt led him to a table, waited by a young man in a white t-shirt and skinny black jeans, adorned with cold beers. 

“A beer for this man,” Trennt said to the young man with a smile, “and another for me.”

Cold beers in hand, Scott and Trennt made their way across the vast kitchen. It was a space unlike any other Scott had seen. Whilst the building’s exterior was clearly influenced by the old, the kitchen was anything but. From the sheek marble counters and industrial lighting to the top of the range kitchen gadgets, the whole room dripped with money and style.

“Scott!” Patrice’s voice cut through the kitchen noise as he angled his shoulder through the crowds of people, smiling and saying hello to his guests as he navigated around them. 

“It’s so good to see you!” Patrice’s words were muffled by Scott’s body as he pulled him into a full body hug. 

“And you, Patrice,” Scott returned the hug and the enthusiasm, “this place is amazing!”

“I know!” Patrice’s eyes were wide, “I told you!”

“You did!” Scott laughed, “thanks for calling me - it’s good to be here.”

“It’s good to have you here, Scott,” Patrice’s voice deepened as it filled with genuine love and compassion, “it’s been too long.”

Scott only nodded at Patrice’s words. 

“It’s everyone and their granny’s dog here tonight,” Patrice couldn’t help but raise his eyebrows as he spoke - he would have preferred a private and intimate affair for the whole weekend, but Marie wanted a large gathering too, “but tomorrow is just close friends and their guests, so we’ll have more time to catch up.”

“I’ll look forward to it,” Scott smiled. 

“There is one other thing,” Patrice’s voice became a little more serious as he spoke. 

Scott smiled in response. He had seen Patrice’s ‘serious face’ before and whatever it was his friend was about to tell him, it was guaranteed to be less serious than the face he made implied. 

“Tess is here.”

“That’s ok,” Scott smiled as he took a swig from his bottle of beer, “we’re good.”

“Oh-” Patrice was taken aback by Scott’s words, “I didn’t-”

“Scott!” Patrice’s sentence was cut off by Marie’s voice. Unlike Patrice’s greeting, Marie’s was coloured more by shock than enthusiasm, “I didn’t see your RSVP,” Marie tried to recover as she pulled Scott into a hug and placed a kiss on each of his cheeks. 

“I’m sorry, I-” Scott realised that Marie didn’t know that her husband had called him and encouraged him to attend their party. 

“No, no, no apologies necessary,” Marie smiled at Scott, “it’s good to see you.”

“Sorry, I forgot to let you know Scott was coming,” Patrice apologised to his wife. The days leading upto the party had been a little hectic, and it had slipped his mind to tell Marie that he had spoken to Scott and was hopeful that he might attend. 

“You’re always welcome, Scott, you know that, anywhere we are, you’re welcome,” Marie’s voice was gentle and kind. She and Patrice had been very careful not to choose sides when Tessa and Scott had split; they loved and supported them both equally. Privately, they lamented their decision to part and thought it was a terrible waste of love, but they respected the decision - about which they knew very little - and let both of their friends know that they were there for them. Scott and Tessa’s relationship had always been something that had not been up for discussion between them during the comeback. Marie and Patrice always knew that there was more to it than the ‘platonic partnership’ they sold to the press, but it remained undefined and unshared, and all parties respected that. As far as being their coaches was concerned, whatever was between them was making them stronger and enabling them to work and to compete, and that was all Marie and Patrice needed to know unless more information was volunteered. 

“You know, Scott, we didn’t know you were coming and we’d had a ‘no’ from -” Marie started to explain. 

“It’s ok, he knows,” Patrice informed his wife. 

“It’s ok,” Scott smiled at Marie, “I know Tess is here, and it’s fine. We’re fine.”

“You are?” Marie was mindful not to allow a smile to crack her face. 

“Well,” Scott realised that his words were being used to paint a picture that was rosier than he intended, “we bumped into each other in London.”

“She’s here with Jordan,” Marie informed Scott with a smile, glad that there seemed to be some healing happening for her favourite ice dancers. 

Trennt and Scott left Marie and Patrice to their guests in the kitchen and made their way back to the hallway and through to one of the house’s lounges. There were people milling around the house, and the lounge they entered was filled with people standing in groups and chatting. The tones of English and French mixed in the air and created a happy and relaxed ambiance. Trennt stopped to talk to a few people, and to introduce Scott. They eventually made their way through the throng of people and to a corner of the room with three two seater grey sofas arranged to face each other. 

“Look who I found!” Trennt introduced Scott with enthusiasm just as Scott was battling through the last of the crowd. He emerged to be faced with Jordan, Ava, Kaetlyn and Tessa.

“Hey,” Scott raised his beer bottle awkwardly towards the women. 

There was a definite pause as the shock of Scott’s appearance flowed across the group. 

“Hi, Scott,” Jordan was the first to react. She shuffled over on the sofa, providing him with a place to sit. He took the offer and sat, somewhat rigidly, on the other half of the sofa that Jordan was inhabiting. 

“It’s a surprise to see you,” Kaetlyn’s voice was kind, which allowed Scott to breathe a little more easily, “and nice.”

“Thanks,” the relief in Scott’s voice was audible, “I wasn’t planning on coming,” Scott spoke to Kaetlyn, “it was a late decision, Patrice called me, and I was free, you know,” he took a swig of his beer and sat back against the sofa, his eyes trailing to the sofa opposite him and the green eyes to which his explanation was really addressed. He wanted her to know that he had not followed her, that he had not known she would be at the party. They made momentary eye contact before Tessa looked away quickly. An awkwardness cracked the air and flowed between them. 

“Scott, Ava. Ava, Scott,” Tessa’s felt like a wooden mannequin as she introduced her current and ex lovers to each other.

“Hey, Ava,” Scott smiled at the beautiful woman sitting next to Tessa, “are you a skater?”

“She’s my friend,” Tessa spoke before Ava could answer for herself. 

“I work in publishing,” Ava’s smile seemed to be directed at Scott’s interest in her, but was actually a response to Tessa’s awkwardness. Tessa was so strong and determined in her passions and her ‘media face’ was always so calm and controlled, but Ava knew the ‘real’ Tess and the vulnerability she felt in her new found identity. She did notice how her introductions with Kaetlyn and Trennt had been a lot less awkward, but that was to be expected given that she was introducing her to Scott. Although Tessa had started to open up to her about how she felt and the effect that Scott’s behaviour had, had on her, Ava still knew relatively little about the intricacies and nature of their relationship and its end. She wondered whether Scott’s presence at the party might bring things to the forefront for Tessa and she might open up more about how she felt and what had happened. The night they’d spent talking before they went away to the cabin for the weekend had seen Tessa open up a lot, and enabled Ava to understand more what had happened. She understood that there would be things that Tessa didn’t want to share, and that her discussion with Jordan and her work with Gloria were where she worked through the past. She was more than happy to be a part of Tessa’s future, and only know about the past what was important to Tessa for her to know, and at the speed Tessa wanted to tell her about it. 

“That sounds interesting,” Scott smiled at Ava, “where are you based?”

“Toronto,” Ava replied, “with travel to London,” the latter wasn’t strictly true, not for work, anyway, and Ava was taken by surprise by her own possessiveness. She had never felt it in her previous relationships, but she had also never had to be cordial and friendly with a man who had spent two decades living closer to her girlfriend than she was yet to get. 

“How’s Nate?” Jordan took Scott’s attention from Ava. 

“He’s good,” Scott smiled, “although I am having to ration the waffles!”

“Ah,” Jordan giggled, “he’s hooked.”

“He is,” Scott chuckled, “led astray by the Virtues! How’s Ollie?”

“He’s ok,” Jordan smiled in response, “not too keen on me leaving, but-”

“Ah, they always cry when you’re leaving, but they’re fine ten minutes later,” Scott pushed down his only feelings as the wave of sorrow hit him again as he thought of Nate. 

“He was already laughing as we were going out of the door,” Tessa reassured Jordan. 

Jordan smiled and tried to take what her sister had said to heart, but Scott noticed that her smile was weak and strained. 

“This is an amazing house, isn’t it?” Kaetlyn’s attention was lost to her surroundings as she surveyed the ceilings and their intricate paintings.

“Each room is totally different,” Ava agreed as she took a sip of wine from her glass, “the kitchen is so modern, yet in here I feel like I am sitting in some French colonial drawing room. I can’t wait to see what the bedrooms have in store!”

“I assume we’re all staying here tonight,” Kaetlyn confirmed with the group. She was met with a chorus of nods, “it’s going to be a great evening,” Kaetlyn smiled, “kind of like the old days.”

A silence fell across the group, and there was no denying that it was slightly awkward. 

“A bunch of dancers sitting around at a party?” Patrice’s voice filled the silence, “I’m disgusted!”

“No one said there was any dancing,” Scott replied with a smile. 

“The band are just about to start playing,” Patrice informed them, “and don’t worry, there is a bar, too.”

“Well, in that case,” Scott got to his feet, eager to please Patrice. 

“I don’t need to be asked twice where dancing is concerned,” Kaetlyn was on her feet and pulling Trennt up beside her.

“Tess, we can’t dance without you!” Kaetlyn turned on her heel and smiled at Tessa. 

Tessa felt the need to take a breath. She needed a moment to regroup now that she knew Scott was at the party. Not that she minded him being there. Marie and Patrice were mutual friends. They were more than friends. They were people who deserved her and Scott to show up for them. Marie and Patrice had more than showed up for them, and helped them to achieve the things they had always dreamed off. It wasn’t too much for their long time mentors and friends to ask them to put their differences and their pain behind them for one weekend. Plus, the weekend before had been fine. They had coped perfectly well when they had needed to spend the afternoon together, and this weekend didn’t need to be any different. 

“I think I am just going to get some air first,” Tessa smiled at Kaetlyn as she got to her feet, “but then I am definitely going to be on that dance floor with you!”

“Ok,” Kaetlyn smiled, “don’t leave me hangin’ too long!” with a wink Katelyn was gone.

“Meet you in there?” Jordan got to her feet as she spoke to her sister. 

“Yeah,” Tessa smiled up a Jordan. It was a smile that told her sister that she was ok, and that that there was no need to worry about her. 

“You got this,” Jordan whispered as she met Tessa’s eyes with a smile before leaving Tessa and Ava alone to have what she knew would be an important conversation for both of them. 

“Want to take a walk?” Ava’s voice was kind and supportive. 

“Please,” Tessa smiled as they left the lounge and made their way into the garden. Even through the darkness it was clear that the garden stretched far beyond the house. It felt immediately big enough to swallow them and the vastness gave Tessa a sense of peace and perspective.

“I really had no idea he would be here,” Tessa apologised as she and Ava walked, leaving space between them, through the twinkling fairy lights that were gently lighting the deck that sat at the back of the house. 

“I know that,” Ava soothed, “I didn’t suspect anything else, Tess.”

“I know, it’s just-”

“It’s not a problem to me,” Ava smiled, “I am here with you and we’re here to have a nice weekend with your friends, Scott doesn’t need to change that.”

“No he doesn’t,” Tess agreed. 

“I mean, I don’t have any great desire to get to know him,” Ava’s voice took on a tone of honesty as the women stepped out of the light of the decking and into the darkened garden, “I know what you’ve told me about him, and I can’t help but judge the way he’s hurt you, but your relationship with him is in the past and I know how much you have learnt from what happened. I have no reason to hate him when his actions brought me you. Plus, we all have our suffering to bear, and I am not sure he is quite at the point in his journey that you are in yours.”

“How do you always do that?” the darkness hid Tessa’s adoring smile as she turned towards Ava. 

“Do what?”

“Show kindness and compassion, understand people?”

“What’s the alternative?”

Silence fell between them. Tessa felt Ava’s hand find hers in the darkness as Ava wrapped her fingers around Tessa’s and pulled her out of sight of the house and behind a fully flowering pergola.

“Your ex is the least of my worries this evening,” Ava whispered against Tessa’s ear as she pulled her body against hers, “not being able to touch the hottest woman at the party is much more torturous,” Ava’s final words were lost to the flesh of Tessa’s ear as she sucked gently on its lobe. 

Tessa, taken by surprise, let out a soft sigh at the feel of Ava’s tongue. 

“And that dress is meant to make it any easier for me?” Tessa recovered enough to throw back a remark about the tight red blue dress that hugged Ava’s body and showed her long toned legs perfectly. She met Ava’s lips and kissed her as she ran her hands across her hips and lifted the hem of her dress to slip a hand between her thighs. Ava groaned into Tessa’s mouth as she felt desire ignite in the pit of her stomach, as it burned through her she poured passion into the kiss and their tongues tangled. Ava combed her fingers through Tessa’s long hair before grabbing strands of it in her hands and pulling lightly. 

A sudden slam from the house’s backdoor made them jump apart. They parted breathless and panting and shocked by the intensity of their encounter. They stood frozen and listening for movement. They soon heard the quiet chatting of two cigarette smokers on the decking. They made eye contact in the dark before smothering their teenage giggles with the back of their hands. 

“Best get you to the dancefloor,” Ava whispered teasingly through the darkness, “Kaetlyn will have the search party ready.”

The room that had been set aside for music and dancing was one of the biggest in the house. With its wooden floor and long, well-stocked bar that ran down the length of the room’s wall, it was hard to imagine that it had been designed with the intention of being used for anything other than parties and dancing. 

Ava and Tessa found Trennt and Jordan by the bar and headed over to join them. There were drinks already waiting for them and they took them gratefully. 

“All danced out already, Trennt?” Tessa smiled as she took a large swig of the warming red wine that Jordan had handed to her. 

“Just taking a breather,” Trennt smiled back, “if there’s one thing you and Scott taught Kaetlyn it was how to wear out the dance floor!”

“Our best pupil!” Tessa joked in response. 

“Well it’s your turn to be the dance partner,” Trennt replied as she nodded across the dancefloor towards Kaetlyn who was dancing with joy and abandon. 

“Dancing?” Tessa asked Jordan and Ava as she took a final sip of her wine before placing it back on the bar.

“I’m having a breather too,” Jordan had already been put through her paces by Katelyn, and didn’t fancy another round until she had consumed more alcohol.

“I’m good,” Ava responded with a smile. She wasn’t too keen to dance. Although she didn’t want for self-confidence, dancing wasn’t something she’d ever really enjoyed. It was a dislike that stemmed from an adolescence spent feeling awkward and out of place with other girls. It would be easy for people to believe that Ava had always been secure in her own skin and accepting of herself and the wonderful person she was, but had they been spectators in her early life they’d have known the personal development she had been through and the journey she had been on. It was part of the reason she was so understanding of Tessa and her journey - she’d been there herself. 

Tessa knew Ava well enough to know that her girlfriend was comfortable to sit out of the dancing and was not being awkward. She gave her a smile before heading to the dance floor to find Kaetlyn. 

The music rolled on and the dancing continued. Scott had disappeared into the crowd and was dancing with Patrice and some of his friends (and older female family members - ever the hit with the aunties). Kaetlyn and Tessa were enjoying the opportunity to spend time together again and Trennt was intermittently dragged into joining in. Jordan, having made her way across the large room and away from Tessa and Kaetlyn, was at the opposite end of the bar to the rest of the party. She flopped down on a high stool and ordered a gin and tonic. 

“Something a little stronger, eh?” Scott sat on the stool next to Jordan. 

“A change from the red wine,” Jordan responded with a smile that was almost believable. 

“All danced out?”

“Yeah, something like that.”

“Everything ok, Jord? I know you might not want to speak to me ab-”

“I just miss him. Before you have kids you worry about the freedom you’re going to lose, and the things you’re not going to be able to do anymore, but you reconcile with it, you know what you’re gaining is far more special than what you have to give up. And I should feel like this weekend is a gift. I should want a break from the sick and the cooking and then toys all over the floor - and I do, those things do tire me out - but it’s the other stuff I don’t want a break from. I don’t want a break from cuddles and goodnight kisses and smiles. I don’t want him to think that I don’t want that, that I’ve abandoned him.”

“Hey,” Scott pulled Jordan into a side hug as tears started to fall from her eyes. He didn’t think twice about his action and whether it would be welcomed - he saw someone suffering a pain with which he could empathise and his instinctive reaction was to offer Jordan comfort, “there’s no abandoning been done at all. It’s natural to miss him, of course it is, you’re his mother, it’s part of your instinct to want to be with him.”

“It’s not that I’m not enjoying myself, I just feel-”

“Guilty?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re a good mom, Jordan, and a weekend away doesn’t change that,” Scott soothed, “in fact, you’re giving Ollie time with his dad to enjoy, that’s something positive.”

“I know you’re right,” Jordan sighed, “I just need a night’s sleep to feel it.”

“It’s been a long night already,” Scott agreed. 

“I think I might turn in before I drink many more of these,” Jordan nodded at the gin and tonic in her hand. 

“Good idea,” Scott smiled, “I’ll let Tess know that you’ve gone up to bed.”

“Thanks, Scott,” Jordan’s smile was soft and grateful, “and, Scott?”

Scott turned to find Jordan’s eyes. 

“I’m glad we could have tonight. The party, I mean, you and Tess both here.”

Scott responded with only a smile before bidding Jordan goodnight and making his way back through the throng of dancers to where he knew Tessa was dancing with Kaetlyn and Trennt. He smiled as he approached Tessa and saw her dancing to the music with an abandon that he had always loved about her. He was tempted to stop and watch her for a moment, to take in the way she held her body, her natural feel for the music, but he checked himself, knowing that it was no longer his place or priviledge to watch her or to think about her or to feel anything at all towards her but the guilt that he did. He touched Tessa’s shoulder lightly. She smiled at him over the loud music. 

“Hey,” Scott’s words were swallowed by the beat of the band.. He moved closer as Tessa moved closer to him. Their bodies were almost touching as Scott reached up to speak into her ear, “Jordan’s gone up to bed.”

“She ok?” Tessa’s face showed concern as she moved closer to Scott in order to have a conversation with him. 

“She’s ok,” Scott assured Tessa, “just missing Ollie and feeling a bit overwhelmed.”

“Oh,” Tessa worried her bottom lip with her top teeth. 

“She’s ok,” Scott placed a soothing hand on Tessa’s elbow once he saw the tell tale sign of her apprehension and anxiety, “we chatted, she wanted to sleep on it, knew she would be ok in the morning.”

“Thanks,” Tessa smiled, her face becoming less worried, “thanks for talking to her.”

“Of course,” Scott smiled, “looks like you are enjoying the dancing,” Scott changed the subject, “everyone else has given up.”

“Kaetlyn has just gone to get a drink,” Tessa explained, “Trennt has always been a lightweight.”

Scott giggled at Tessa’s endurance and the way in which she had danced their young friend off the dancefloor. 

“It’s so weird to see them together again,” Kaetlyn sucked at her cocktail through a plastic straw as she rested against the bar where she was drinking with Ava and Trennt. Her gaze was fixed on Scott and Tessa as they spoke on the dancefloor. 

“I really didn’t think she’d forgive Scott,” Trennt added, “let alone see them whispering to each other on the dancefloor again.”

“It’s not quite the show they used to put on,” Kaetlyn half giggled. 

“I just never saw them being anything but together,” Trennt sipped his beer. 

“After Pyeongchang I thought they’d just come clean. They were pretty much rumbled anyway, they were almost as bad on camera as they were in the accommodation. Well, when we saw them.”

“Patrick’s got some stories I’d rather not hear again,” Trennt’s eyes widened. 

Ava felt a trickle of jealousy run through her as she listened to Kaetlyn and Trennt recount how Tessa and Scott had seemed like the perfect couple, crazy about each other and deeply in love, despite the fact that they denied the existence of anything other than their fabled business partnership. She looked across the dance floor at where they were now both dancing energetically, and for the first time in the history of her relationship with Tessa she wondered whether she was getting involved in something that she had no place in. She took a gulp of her drink before placing her empty glass on the bar. 

“Well, I think I am going to call it a night,” she informed Kaetlyn and Trennt with a tone she hoped was breezy, “just watching all of this dancing has made me tired.”

Kaetlyn and Trennt wished Ava goodnight and told her how much they looked forward to spending the rest of the weekend with her. Ava took a last look at Tessa before heading out of the room and towards the house’s large staircase that led to the upper floors of the house. She climbed two floors before heading for the room that Marie had shown her to when they’d arrived. Of course, given the secret nature of their relationship, she and Tessa were in separate rooms, a fact of which she was unexpectedly glad as she thought about the time she needed to herself to overcome the feelings she was experiencing. They were feelings she knew were natural and which she knew she could reconcile with because they didn’t reflect how she saw her relationship with Tess, or indeed, Tessa’s relationship with Scott. She pushed the heavy bedroom door open and slipped inside, grateful to be shutting out the noise of the party downstairs. She enjoyed a warm shower before pulling on her pajamas. She was about to pull back the thick, luxurious bedcovers and enjoy reading her book when there was a quiet knock on the door. She unlatched it and pulled it open. 

“Hello deserter,” Tessa’s eyes smiled. 

“Sorry,” Ava smiled as she pulled the door open enough to allow Tessa to enter the room, “needed a break from the noise,” Ava’s words weren’t a total lie. 

“I went back to the bar and you’d disappeared,” Tessa looped her arms around Ava and pulled her towards her with a slight tipsy wobble. 

“You were tearing up the dancefloor, I didn’t want to interrupt.” 

Tessa answered with a kiss, inhaling deeply and drinking in Ava’s scent. She trailed kisses down her girlfriend’s neck and across her chest. 

“Tess,” Ava’s voice was accompanied by her soft hands in Tessa’s, “I’m tired. The flight and the party, I -”

“It’s ok,” Tessa smiled and although she felt a little awkward at her own forwardness, she understood Ava’s situation and didn’t in anyway feel rejected. Tessa ran her hands softly up and down the length of Ava’s arms, “are you sure that’s all? I know you don’t know that many people here and I spent the night dancing, I should have spent more time with you, I’m sorry.”

“Tess, it’s not that,” Ava reassured Tessa, and herself, “I’m tired.”

“Ok,” Tessa smiled, “Ok, but you know, if you don’t want to be here I understand. We can go home, have the weekend on our own together,” Tessa meant every word she said and would have happily packed up and left at that moment if it was what Ava had wanted. 

“I am happy to be here,” Ava softened and reconnected their bodies, pushing herself against Tessa in order to show her the connection she wanted to establish between them, “I am happy to be with you and with your friends. I am just tired, that’s all.”

“Ok, I’ll leave you to get some rest,” Tessa smiled as she left a soft kiss on Ava’s lips, “text me if you fancy a lie in tomorrow.”

“I will,” Ava grinned, knowing exactly how their lie ins worked as they spent the morning exploring each other and talking about the world, “I’d like that.”

With a final goodnight kiss, Tessa left Ava’s room and headed for her own. She had been put on the floor above and she took each step of the wooden staircase with the anticipation of relaxation and a bit of star gazing from the balcony attached to her room. 

As soon as the door clicked to a close, Tessa pushed her shoes from her feet and pulled her pajamas on. She immediately enjoyed the comfortable feeling of the soft fabric of her pajama pants against her legs. She grabbed a cold bottle of water from the fridge that sat in the corner of the room before pulling back the large windows that led to the balcony. The night air felt comfortably cool as she relaxed into the plush chair that was positioned to look out from the balcony and up towards the stars. Astrology was something she had always been interested in and one of the many things her career had never allowed her the opportunity to discover. She looked up at the stars and tried to pick out one of the constellations she had read about. 

“A star or a satellite?” his voice took her by surprise when it came from the balcony next to hers. 

Tessa peered through the night’s darkness and saw Scott sitting on the balcony next to hers, a gap of less than half a metre separating the black iron sides of their balconies. 

“I still don’t know,” Tessa replied with a chuckle as she thought about the night they had spent lying out on the beach at the Virtue’s cottage gazing at the stars. The fire had crackled beside them as Tessa had pointed up at a bright light above them and declared it as a star. Scott had laughed and tickled her side as the satellite moved through the sky, red lights blinking. 

“My astrology skills are still severely lacking,” she admitted. 

“Your dancing skills are still as good as ever, though.”

“It felt good to dance again - it’s been ages, but my feet are killing!”

“Remember the night after the medal ceremony? You and Weaver danced until your feet bled.”

“You and Poje carried us home.”

“And that German ice hockey player banged on the window at us.”

“You nearly dropped me.”

“The only time ever!”

“All the years you threw me about on the ice, and it took a German ice hockey player to give you butter fingers.”

“Did you see the size of the guy?”

“And he looked so mad!”

They both laughed quietly as they thought about the night after the gold medals were placed around their necks. Their minds both retreated, separately, to the night that had followed the dancing. They both felt the sunrise fall over them once more as they sat, wrapped in their winter clothes and in each other, on the bonnet of a car Scott had managed to borrow from one of the workers at the stadium They both felt the way their cold lips warmed and softened against each other’s as they kissed and started a brand new day as the Olympic gold medalists they’d worked so hard to become. Scott thought about how, in that moment, he had truly believed that they would be together forever; that they had journeyed to a point from which they would never retreat. 

“Thanks for looking after Jordan this evening,” Tessa dragged herself from her memories and back into the present - lingering too long in the past was not something she could allow herself to do. 

“It’s ok,” Scott’s voice was deep as he, too, emerged from thoughts of the past, “I understand what she’s feeling.”

The sorrow in Scott’s voice told Tessa that Scott was struggling himself, “you’re missing Nate?” she said gently. 

“I know he’s ok,” Scott’s words were for himself as much as for Tessa, “he’s with Jena, she’s his mom.”

“That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to miss him, Scott.”

“I know. I’m just so used to being with him, that’s all.”

“You spend your days looking after him, putting him first, doing everything with him and for him. Don’t you think it would be weird if you didn’t miss him?”

“You’re right, and I know what you’re saying makes perfect sense. I suppose some of it is just the lack of routine. My evening feels strange without bathing him and putting him to bed.”

“Have you got a picture of him with you?” 

“Yeah,” Scott reached into his back pocket and for his wallet. He moved towards the edge of his balcony so that he was leaning over towards Tessa in order to show her the picture. Tessa leaned over and looked at the picture in Scott’s hand. 

“He looks so much younger there,” she smiled as she looked at the young boy smiling back at her. 

“We took it on one of my favourite days with him,” Scott smiled, “he was just over a year old.” 

“They grow and change so quickly,” Tessa took the picture from Scott’s fingers and looked at it more closely, “I can see the baby in him. I can imagine what he must have looked like.”

“Here,” Scott reached for his phone and flipped to his photo reel, “this was a few hours after he was born,” Scott showed her a picture of Nate taken at the hospital. 

“He’s so small,” Tessa was taken in by photo as she looked at the small baby. 

“He was a bit early,” Scott explained, “just a week, but it made him a bit smaller than the doctors were expecting,” he moved through the album with a few sideways swipes and to a picture he’d taken of Nate the first day he’d spent at home. 

“He’s so cute in that baby grow,” Tessa smiled as she craned to look at the photo.   
Seeing her trying to get a better look at the photo, Scott leapt over the side of his own balcony and landed with a light thud on hers. Totally engrossed in the photos of his son, he stood beside Tessa, his body inches from hers, and continued to talk. 

“I think that was the day it really sank in,” he explained, “once we had him at home and there weren’t any nurses or doctors there. The responsibility was suddenly there.”

“It must have been quite a day.”

“And night,” Scott answered, “I couldn’t leave him the first night, I just wanted to watch him the whole night. I was scared he was going to start choking or roll over and suffocate himself.”

“It’s such a big responsibility.”

“It really is, and it’s frightening, but it’s amazing too.”

Scott continued to flick through the photographs until he came to a picture of him and Nate sitting on the beach in the summer. Nate is in Scott’s arms and Scott’s smile is wide. 

“That’s a nice photo of you both,” Tessa’s voice was filled by a smile. 

“My mom came down to visit and we spent the day at the beach. It was the first time I really thought about being a stay at home dad.”

“And you seem to enjoy it.”

“Best job in the world,” Scott said truthfully, “tied with dancing with you, of course,” Scott added with a smile and a bump of Teesa’s shoulder. 

“Skating around and throwing each other about doesn’t compare to parenting a child, Scott,” Tessa chuckled, “and as good an ice dancer as you are, you’re an even better dad; you’re the best dad a child could wish for.”

Scott looked at Tessa, really taking her in, making eye contact with her that reached deep into her soul. They both stood suspended for a moment before Scott spoke, never breaking the connection between them. 

“Dancing with you is the only other thing that has ever made me as happy as being a dad does,” his voice was low and quiet as the words left his mouth. 

His words sucked the air from the moment between them and left them both breathless and motionless. Tessa’s lungs burned from the lack of oxygen, and she gasped almost inaudibly before she spoke.

“It made me happy, too.”

A subtle shift, a movement of atoms, a birth far beyond the scope of human detection, a future set in motion. 

The world awoke again with the return of their breath they broke the connection between them as they both inhaled the cool air around them. Tessa put her arms around herself as she noticed the chill that the air had taken on. 

“It’s getting cold,” Scott’s voice had lost only some of the thickness it had taken on when he’d spoken a few moments before, “you should get inside.”

“I should,” Tessa agreed, although, beneath the surface of her common sense there was something tugging at her heart. 

“Night,” Scott smiled as she leant against the iron railing of Tessa’s balcony in preparation to leap back to his own.

“Night,” Tessa replied as she headed back inside, closing the window securely behind her. 

If Scott lingered, his expression fixed on the closed window and the shadow moving behind it, he never let himself, or anyone else know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Join us for chapter fourteen, and the next day of the party.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short one for you this time.   
Enjoy.

“Morning,” Ava greeted everyone as she entered the kitchen.

“Morning,” Marie smiled as she held a cup of coffee towards Ava, “help yourself to food.”

The kitchen’s island counter, on which Scott, Patrice and Marie were leaning, was littered with pastries and fresh fruit. Patrice had insisted on the weekend having a laid back and informal feel that made their friends and family feel at ease, and the provision of his favourite meal of the day was no exception to his wishes. 

“Did you sleep well?” Scott asked as he sipped at his steaming mug of coffee. 

“I did, thanks,” Ava replied as she sipped her own coffee, “I was more tired than I realised. I couldn’t believe the time when I woke up and looked at my phone.”

“Don’t worry,” Marie smiled, “you’ve only missed Canada’s inaugural grape throwing competition: nothing momentous.”

“Trennt and Patrice and I were nothing more than spectators,” Scott grinned as he tried to remove himself from the frivolous event. 

“This is true,” Patrice joined Scott in his denial. 

“Oh yes,” Marie’s voice was laced with sarcasm, “you were all putting up quite the fight as you stood there open mouthed begging us not to throw the grapes into your mouths!”

“Morning,” Jordan breezed into the kitchen through the open patio doors that led out to the house’s heated pool. 

“Morning,” Ava smiled, glad to see a face she knew, “I am just getting the low down on the grape throwing contest I’ve missed.”

“I was just the umpire,” Jordan informed her, “welcome to life with Olympians - they never fail to find things to turn into a competition!”

“We’re not that bad!” Scott protested. 

“Not that bad?” Kaetlyn came through the open doors and picked up the conversation, “you and Tess were playing like there was a gold medal in it!”

“Yeah, talk about old times,” Trennt was the next to enter and pick up on the conversation, “once a competitor, always a competitor and all that.”

Ava stood there, spectating on a conversation that seemed to be in some way intuitive to the people in front of her. She wondered how they could all be so in sync even though they weren’t even in the same room as each other. 

“Morning,” Tessa’s smile was like a beacon as she flowed into the room. 

“Morning,” Ava met her eye and established a connection between them that grounded her and made her wish that she could hug and kiss her girlfriend good morning. 

Tessa moved to the counter to refill her cup with coffee before standing next to Ava. 

“Sleep well?” Tessa asked her girlfriend.

“Really well,” Ava answered, “so well that I slept in until late. You were all already up by the time I woke up,” to the spectators in the kitchen they were two friends being kind and polite, but Tessa knew that Ava was telling her why she hadn’t text her to join her for the lie in that they had promised each other the night before. 

“It’s good to sleep well when you get the chance,” Tessa’s words carried a secret message of love and reassurance that let Ava know she wasn’t annoyed at the absence of their morning together. 

“What have you guys been upto other than throwing grapes at each other?” Ava asked with a smile. 

“Sitting in the garden,” Kaetlyn replied as she popped a piece of strawberry into her mouth, “you should check it out - it’s beautiful.”

“You want to head out?” Tessa asked. 

“Sure,” Ava accepted with a smile. 

Jordan smiled quietly to herself as she picked up on her sister’s not-so-subtle attempt to get her girlfriend alone. 

The pair left everyone else chatting about the wine and cheese tasting that Marie had arranged for the afternoon as they headed out into the morning sunshine. They took in the decking and its flowering roses before stepping onto the gravel path that led across the open lawn. 

“Nice garden,” Ava smiled, “not as nice as it was last night, but…”

“We really need to get away for another weekend on our own, don’t we?” Tessa asked. 

“Yeah, that would be nice,” Ava agreed, “somewhere we don’t have to watch ourselves.”

Tessa looked down as Ava’s words hit her heart, “I’m sorry, I know I-”

“Hey, right,” Ava looped her arm through Tessa’s “no more apologies allowed for the rest of the weekend. There is nothing for you to apologise for, nothing.”

“Okay,” Tessa agreed, “no more apologies.”

“No more apologies,” Ava smiled down at her as they continued their path around the garden. 

After a lap of the garden, Ava and Tessa returned to the rest of the group at the poolside. They were joined by some of Patrice and Marie’s closest family and friends. Everyone was chatting happily when Ava and Tessa joined them and settled on loungers next to each other. 

“I remember the first time you ever skated together,” Patrice’s friend Gabriel smiled, “I knew you were going to be a great pairing. I knew you were going to win medals, and I knew you were going to fall in love.”

“No you didn’t,” Patrice scoffed, “we were kids.”

“You were twenty,” Marie reminded him. 

“Yeah, kids,” Patrice restated. 

“I did,” Gabriel protested, “the way you were so awkward around each other, it was destined from the start.”

“We weren’t awkward around each other!” Patrice insisted with laughter. 

“You were awkward, sweetheart,” Marie patted her husband on the knee as she delivered the bad news. 

“Awkward how?”

“How?” Marie laughed as if her husband was asking the most ridiculous question in the world, “your palms were so sweaty I was worried I was going to slip through your hands and face plant the ice.”

“I never dropped you!” Patrice was almost offended. 

“Oh, I know,” Marie soothed, “I know, not once.”

“Other than when he tried to carry you across that bar in Pyeongchang,” Kaetlyn laughed. 

“I tripped on a bar stool!” Patrice defended himself, “that he put there, I might add,” he pointed at Scott as he spoke.

“Hey,” Scott smiled in mock defense of himself, “I had nothing to do with the bar stool!”

“No, but you didn’t stop Chiddy from putting it my way, did you?”

Scott shrugged his shoulders and smiled. 

“You seemed to know it was there, Scott,” Kaetlyn stirred the conversation, “you navigated around it perfectly well, even with your eyes closed.”

“What can I say,” Scott put on a fake air of nonchalance, “I have excellent spatial awareness.”

There was a guffaw of laughter from Patrice and Kaetlyn as Scott tried to convince them that he had not cheated. 

“Another of your competitions?” Ava’s voice was nothing other than kind and interested. 

“Patrick, a member of the team,” Kaetlyn explained, “made Tessa and Scott and Patrice and Marie compete in a bunch of drunken bar games to decide who was the greatest partnership of all time.”

“Oh,” Ava smiled, “sounds like fun.”

“It was,” Scott grinned, “especially for the winners.”

“The cheaters!” Patrice mumbled, “especially for the cheaters.”

“Ah, you were always the best,” Scott conceded with a smile, “you know that. We learnt everything we know from you two.”

“Clearly you didn’t listen all that well,” Patrice’s joking poke at Scott was out in the air before he (or more precisely his wife) had time to stop him. 

A silence deafened the group. Eyes dropped to suddenly important fingernails. 

“Sorry, that was-” Patrice was red faced as he apologised, “I-”

“Clearly we didn’t,” Tessa laughed as she felt the need to save the situation from turning the entire weekend into an awkward disaster, “to Marie and Patrice,” she raised her coffee cup into the air, “for showing us all how it’s done.”

The rest of the group, thankful for Tessa’s ability to bring the conversation back from the brink, raised their cups in a toast. 

Patrice, relieved to be off the hook, but knowing all too well that he had not heard the last of his faux pas, pulled Marie towards him and placed a kiss on her lips. 

“I think we’d best get on with some wine tasting before Patrice tries to kill off any more conversation,” she laughed as she returned her husband’s kiss. 

“Nice save,” Ava smiled at Tessa as they started to move away from their chairs and towards the other side of the garden where the wine tasting had been set up. 

“Years of practice,” Scott smiled, “she’s pulled it back from worse than that a few times,” he winked before leaving the women.

“I heard he’s quite the expert at putting his foot in it,” Ava debated ignoring the comment, but she knew that ignoring the existence of Tessa’s past with Scott was not going to do either of them any good. 

“Gold standard,” Tessa replied as she looped her arm through Ava’s and led her across the garden. She hoped her action wasn’t too much of a contrast to the topic of their conversation, but she was insistent that the weekend wasn’t going to become about her and Scott. She was there with Ava, she wanted to be there with Ava, and she wanted Ava to know as much. 

They took their places at the long table at which the wine tasting had been set up. Jordan and Tessa sat next to each other and Ava sat next to Tessa. Opposite them sat Kaetlyn and Trennt and next to them was Gabriel, Patrice’s friend. Scott sat next to Gabriel and Marie’s cousin Amelie was on the other side of him. Patrice and Marie were at the head of the table with other members of their family. There were four sommeliers around the table, ready and willing to serve them as the host talked them through the wine that they were being handed. They all started with a small glass of red wine that was grown in the region of France in which Patrice and Marie lived. 

“I like this one,” Jordan nodded as she took a slow sip of the glass of red, “it’s really fruity.”

“It tastes quite refreshing for red wine,” Tessa agreed. 

“It reminds me of summer,” Gabriel added. 

“Long summer evenings,” Tessa smiled in response to Gabriel, “do you live in France, Gabriel?”

“Oh, it’s Gabe,” the young man smiled, “unless I am in trouble that is. Yes, I live in France, but I spend quite a bit of time in the states.”

“For work?” Tessa asked as she sipped at the wine in her hand.

“My wife is working there, so I come over as much as I can.”

“It’s quite a long flight.”

“Yeah, it can be tiring, but I usually manage to get here for a few weeks at a time, my office is pretty good about letting me work remotely.”

“Oh, that’s good. What do you do?”

“I am an accountant,” Gabe smiled, “not very interesting.”

“Depends what you’re interested in,” Tessa smiled kindly. 

“I suppose,” Gabe responded. 

“The wine you are being handed now is from a small vineyard in Spain. It is a family business and has been producing wine for over one hundred and fifty years,” the host explained and the sommeliers handed out glasses and showed the bottles to the table.

“This is a little heavier,” Ava commented as she licked the red liquid from her lips. 

“It is,” Tessa agreed with a smile and a glint in her eye as she watched her girlfriend’s tongue lap at the wine sitting on her lips, “I like it.”

“It’s nice,” Kaetlyn agreed, “I wonder if they have made it in the same way for the whole one hundred and fifty years.”

“Recipe has never changed,” the host answered with a smile. 

“You must know a lot about wine,” Tessa smiled at the host. 

“A bit,” the kind-eyed woman replied, “it is my job to, though.”

“Do you have a favourite?” Tessa asked.

“We are tasting my favourite today actually,” the host replied with a smile, “in a few glasses time. See what you think of it.”

“I look forward to it,” Tessa smiled up at the host. 

Plates of cheese were passed down the table as they continued to sip at the wine and another glass was handed out. 

“This one reminds me of the stuff you have at home, Tess,” Jordan commented as she swilled the wine around her mouth. 

“I was just thinking that,” Ava nodded in Jordan’s direction. 

“Yeah, it does,” Tessa agreed, “somewhat better quality than what I buy, though!” 

“What, Tessa Virtue doesn’t drink top class hand selected wine for breakfast?” Trennt’s eyes were wide with mock amazement, “and here was me thinking you were a GOAT!”

“Trennt,” Tessa raised her eyebrow at him across the table, “I have champagne on my cornflakes, honey.”

A roar of laughter went around the group as Tessa gave Trennt sass that he clearly wasn’t expecting. Trennt raised his wine glass and clinked it against Tessa’s in respect. There were a few more giggles and suggestions of what Tessa bathed in before the next wine was served.

Scott, feeling like a spectator in the group, sat back quietly as he sipped on his wine. As he watched Tessa throw her head back and laugh at a joke Amelie made, he was taken aback by the woman who sat across the table from him. She was different somehow, she was more vivid; etched in bold colours that vibrated around her. There was something about her that he didn’t recognise. Whilst she had always been kind and polite to everyone they met, there had always been a barrier (sometimes only visible to those who knew her best; to him) she erected around herself in social situations. It was a barrier that protected her lack of self-confidence and her vulnerability. He’d always been the social lubrication and she’d always kept the interviews on the track; it had been the way they’d worked - the ways they’d needed each other. Sitting across from him sipping wine and making jokes and conversation, he could see that she had changed, that she had grown; that she was more without him than she ever was with him. 

“Excuse me,” Scott smiled weakly at the table as he placed his napkin on his chair and headed across the lawn and back to the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up - an intimate evening in Montreal.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy the fun and games!!

Tessa pulled a lightweight sweater over her head before heading towards Jordan’s room. Following the wine tasting and a delicious lunch, they were having a much needed siesta before heading back downstairs for an evening filled with more drinks, and games that Patrice had organised. She walked past Scott’s door, wondering whether he was inside sleeping off the headache he’d developed during the wine tasting. It flashed across her mind to knock on his door and check if he was ok, but the small bottle of wine she’d slipped into her pocket, and was now pressed against her hip, reminded her of what she had planned following her visit to Jordan. 

“Hey,” Tessa smiled as Jordan opened the door to her room. 

“Hey,” Jordan was a little surprised to see her sister at her door, “I thought you’d be with Ava.”

“No,” Tessa settled herself on Jordan’s bed, legs crossed and hand held out for her sister to join her, “I wanted to come and check in with my sister - if that’s ok?”

“Of course it’s ok,” Jordan beamed as she got up onto the bed and sat next to her little sister.

“Nails?” Tessa smiled with her eyes as she took a bottle of nail varnish from her pocket and took Jordan’s hand in hers. 

Jordan relaxed fully and settled down next to Tessa. Nails had always been their thing - every crush, every broken heart, through their mom and dad’s divorce and the pain of losing those they loved, they painted each other’s nails. It was an invitation to confidentiality and a sisterly love that neither had ever found a match for. 

“I was missing Ollie,” Jordan explained as Tessa started to apply the thick red varnish to the nail of Jordan’s left thumb, “last night. It was all just so overwhelming. The alcohol didn’t help much!”

“We did manage to drink quite a bit in the few hours we were here last night,” Tessa agreed with a grin, “but that doesn’t make your feelings any less real.”

“No,” Jordan agreed, “it doesn’t, but it made it easier to get lost in them. I just started thinking that he was missing me, that he might wake up and feel ill and I wouldn’t be there for him.”

“Ted would call you if there was anything wrong,” Tessa assured her. 

“I know,” Jordan said breezily, “it’s irrational, I know, it’s just-”

“It’s being a mom,” Tessa made eye contact with her sister, “a good mom.”

“A parent, I think,” Jordan replied, “Scott seemed to understand where I was coming from, perhaps he has felt the same way.”

“I think perhaps he was feeling the same way last night,” Tessa wanted to make it clear to Jordan that she was not alone in the way she was feeling and that it was totally natural for a parent to feel conflicted. 

“Oh?” Jordan’s eyebrows furrowed, “he never mentioned it when we were talking downstairs. I mean, he knew what to say to me, knew how I was feeling, but he never-”

“We spoke last night,” Tessa couldn’t control the drop in her voice, it was as if she were confessing, “his room is next to mine and I was out on my balcony and he was on his and he was missing Nate,” she explained quietly. 

There was a silence between the sisters as Tess continued to paint Jordan’s nails and Jordan gave her sister the space to sort her feelings. 

“It’s good that you two can get on in these situations,” Jordan said finally. Although it was not all she wanted to say. Since they had set up the call and email forwarding for Scott on her phone she hadn’t had contact from him, and so she knew that he and Tess hadn’t talked since the weekend at the fair. 

“Yeah,” Tessa agreed, “it is.”

“But it’s still weird?”

“Yeah,” Tessa admitted, “and with Ava here it just feels a bit strange.”

“She’s amazing, you know, Tess. Plenty of other people wouldn’t have been able to stand the situation.”

“I know,” Tessa’s voice was tinged with something like doubt, or perhaps guilt- a tone that Jordan noticed instantly. 

“What do you mean, you know?” Jordan’s words were almost an attack, “you’ve put her in an awkward situation, Tess and -”

“I didn’t put her in any situation, Jord,” Tessa flamed, “I didn’t know he was going to be here!”

“No, and you didn’t know that half the people at the party were going to makes jokes and references to your relationship and career either, but they are! And Ava is taking it all with a smile and showing interest. You made the move to make things more serious between you Tess, and if you’re not -”

“I’m ready!” Tessa answered before Jordan could finish, “I’m ready,” she repeated, “it’s Ava. Scott’s here, but it’s Ava.”

“Midnight balcony meetings don’t ma-”

“It wasn’t like that.”

“You weren’t in Ava’s room, though.”

“I wanted to be,” Tessa insisted, “I tried to be. She was tired.”

Jordan sighed deeply. She had watched her little sister come so far, and although she knew she could not own or control her, she saw it as her duty to save her from making the same mistake twice. Where Scott was concerned, Tessa had always been weak and, if Jordan was honest, the sparks flying between her sister and her ex were as fierce as they always had been. They were two people between whom there was an energy, there was no way around it - it was there, it always would be, but it was dangerous and better left well alone. 

“Is it possible you could do anything, anything at all, without a huge side helping of drama?” Jordan’s voice was teasing yet exasperated. 

“And do things the easy way?” Tessa questioned, “nope!”

The sisters fell into a comfortable silence as Tessa finished painting Jordan’s nails. After checking for their perfection, she screwed the top back onto the bottle securely. 

“Ok, sit back,” Jordan ordered once Tessa had finished her nails. Their routine had always been one of reciprocation and Jordan was surprised when Tessa unfolded her legs and made to get up from the bed. 

“I’ve not done your nails,” Jordan said with confusion as Tessa got up from the bed and straightened herself. 

“Can’t, sorry,” she apologised to Jordan as she bent down and dropped a kiss on her sister’s head, “got to go have sex with my girlfriend.”

A cushion narrowly missed Tessa’s head as she left the room with a grin and wink. 

Tessa put her hand to her pocket to check the bottle of wine was still there. Smiling, she headed for Ava’s room and knocked gently on the door. 

“Lie in?” Tessa asked with a raised eyebrow as Ava opened the door. 

Ava opened the door fully and Tessa slipped inside to join her. 

“I think the objective of a siesta is to sleep,” Ava grinned as she held her girlfriend in her arms. 

“I figured that you probably did enough sleeping this morning,” Tessa replied as she ran her hands beneath the thin shirt that Ava was wearing. Her hands made their way around the back of Ava’s torso and found the small of her back. She rubbed slowly at the soft skin as she dropped slow kisses on Ava’s collarbone, “plus,” Tessa breathed into Ava’s ear, “watching you lick wine from your lips earlier made me think about where else I’d like to lick it from.” 

Ava’s hands made their way to the waistband of Tessa’s trousers, her delicate fingers tracing the fabric as it lay against soft skin. Her fingers felt the small bottle in her pocket and dipped in to retrieve it. 

“You came prepared,” Ava grinned as she pulled the bottle out and held it between them, eyebrow raised. 

“Would you believe me if I said I was in the girl scouts?” 

“Not for a second,” Ava’s words were spoken against Tessa’s tongue as they plunged into a passionate kiss, “but you clearly have something on your mind!”

“Someone,” Tessa corrected her, “I haven’t stopped thinking about it since the wine tasting.” as she spoke she unbuttoned Ava’s shirt and slipped it from her shoulders, leaving her chest bare and open to her touch. She used her tongue to trace lazy shapes around her breasts. She felt Ava’s fingers thread through her hair as she moaned above her. Tessa moved her tongue’s attention to Ava’s belly button as she licked circles on soft, warm skin. Ava reached down and pulled Tessa to her feet before lifting her jumper over her head to reveal her nakedness. She ran her fingers, pulsating in anticipation of the pleasure she knew was about to take over her, up Tessa’s spine and towards her neck. She leant in and sucked softly at Tessa’s pulse point. Ava was taken by surprise as Tessa pushed her aggressively towards the bed, breaking the newly established contact her lips had made. A shudder of passion ran across her skin as she felt Tessa mount her, possessing her, taking control of the situation as she pushed her skirt up to her hips and pulled at her underwear with her teeth and ripped it from her keening body. 

“Fuck,” Ava couldn’t stop the profanity falling from her mouth as Tessa sent a trickle of red wine snaking between her legs. Since their weekend away at the cottage, Tessa had gone down on her several times, each time growing in confidence and causing pleasure to rip deeper and deeper through her body, but this, this felt different - this was hot and slow and Ava could tell Tessa was savouring every slow lick of her. 

“Mmm,” Tessa smiled as she slithered up Ava’s body, mouth wet and warm with wine and the taste of her girlfriend that she had come to crave. She pressed her fingertips into Ava’s flesh as she made her way up her body and sucked on her lower lip before licking its pick softness. 

“Tess,” Ava’s voice was breathy and deep with the need for the woman on top of her to return to what she was doing. 

“Nice?” Tessa smiled, pleased with the results of her slow torture. 

“So nice,” Ava smiled back, “you’re getting pretty good at this,” she flirted, the words dripping from her mouth. 

“I like to be good at what I do,” Tessa whispered hot and low in Ava’s ear as her fingers found the warm mess she had created between Ava’s legs, causing her to pulse beneath her and sucking what felt like the last of the air from her lungs. Tessa looked down at her, watching every movement on her face. Watching the want and need fill every muscle in her body. She worked her fingers, never moving her eyes from her face. 

“Fuck,” Ava arched from the bed as Tessa pulled her closer to the edge. Her eyes flew open and she saw Tessa looking down at her. The expression on her face, foggy through the haze of pleasure, was soft yet controlling. They locked eyes as Tessa continued to move her fingers, deep and sure, inside the woman she knew was willing to give her everything she could allow herself to want. 

“I like doing this,” Tessa’s voice was deep with her own desire, her words dragging themselves from the depths of her chest, “with you,” she managed, “I like doing this with you.”

A moment of silence as Ava caught her breath. 

“I like doing this with you too,” she smiled. She knew it was all Tessa could give her in that moment, knew that it was more than she had given anyone in a long time, and she was happy, intoxicated on the thick desire that was about to explode between the two of them, with all she was given. Her thoughts fell away as Tessa gave her what she wanted, sending her over the edge as she buried her fingers deep and hard whilst capturing her lips in a bruising kiss. 

“I wish this evening was our own,” Tessa said softly as she lay, bobbing in the waves of post-orgasmic bliss, with her head on Ava’s stomach. 

“Tessa Virtue,” Ava said jokingly, “you’re insatiable!”

“Not like that,” Tessa giggled as she tickled Ava’s side gently, “I just, we never get time to just-”

“”Lie about naked basking in the glory of our own great bedroom skills,” Ava continued to tease, “no, I suppose we don’t. We should totally make more room in our schedules to do that,” Ava could feel Tessa moving, and she knew she was get ready to unleash a tickle attck on her, but she carried on regardless, reaching for her girlfriend’s wrists as she spoke, “I’ll email my boss, let him know that I need more time for fucking my girlfriend, I mean, when he hears I’m doing the dirty stuff with Tessa Virtue, he will order me to clear my schedule straight way, he’ll fully understand - I mean, it’s Tessa Virtue, every straight man’s wet dream-” she was left unable to say anthing else as Tessa launched herself on top of her naked body, and it was not the tickle attack she was anticipating that was unleashed, but the blow of one of the bed’s enormous feather pillows. The two women rolled the bed tussling with each other, barely able to control their bodies as laughter ripped through them both. 

“Stop, stop,” Ava squealed giggling and breathless, “we’re horribly mismatched,” she puffed, “I don’t have anywhere near your stamina. I’m no Olympian.”

Tessa, smiling and showing mercy, picked herself up off Ava and kneeled beside her on the bed. Ava made a show of needing to catch her breath, turning her face away from Tessa so that she couldn’t see the calculating grin that was forming on her face. 

“I am a gold standard lesbian, though,” she roared with laughter as she attacked Tessa’s hips, throwing her onto the bed and sinking her lips into the soft and taught skin of Tessa’s right thigh. 

“Cheat!” Tessa howled with laughter as she enjoyed the feeling of Ava’s hot mouth on her bare skin. 

“I should go get changed,” Tessa said sleepily some half an hour later as she got up from Ava’s bed and scooped her clothes from the floor. 

“Meet you downstairs?” 

“Wait for me?”

“Sure,” Ava smiled, “meet me back here?”

Tessa answered with a soft kiss before pulling on her trousers and heading for her own room. 

***

“How’s your head?” Jordan asked as she settled beside Scott on the sofa. 

“Better, thanks,” Scott smiled as he sipped at the cold beer in his hand, “nice nails,” he smiled. 

Jordan blushed, remembering, of course, that the two decades Scott spent in her Tessa’s life had afforded him access to pretty much every part of her relationship with her sister. 

“Look a lot better than the one time I tried to do hers,” Scott smiled, knocking back another mouthful of beer, “I’m kind of glad it stayed a sister thing - I hate the smell of the stuff.”

Jordan laughed softly as Scott’s words thawed her embarrassment and reminded her that regardless of what had happened at the end of their relationship, no matter how much they had hurt each other, there had been times when he and Tessa had been in a good place. She sighed into her mouthful of vodka and lime as she wished their relationship could be less complicated and her words to Tessa about forgetting Scott and moving on with Ava were easier to turn into reality. 

“How’s the head, Moir?” Trennt asked as he and Kaetlyn joined Scott and Jordan and settled next to each other. 

“Much better,” Scott answered as he smiled and held his beer aloft. 

“Beers,” Patrice appeared with beers for Kaetlyn and Trennt, “I’ve got a great evening planned, and these will make it even greater,” he grinned as he handed over the beers and settled in an armchair. The whole room had been arranged around the seating that was assembled. The older members of Patrice and Marie’s families had left and it was the skating group, Amelie and Gabriel who remained. Patrice smiled as he finally got the cosy evening he had envisaged. Gabriel, Amelie and Marie soon joined the group and the room was filled with happy chatting. 

“Just a sec,” Ava whispered as she pulled at Tessa’s wrist, stopping her from entering the room in which the rest of the guests were settled. Tessa made a quick scan of the hallway before allowing herself to be pulled into Ava’s body, “I just need a last kiss,” she smiled against Tessa’s lips before pulling her into a kiss, “I need something to keep me going if I’m going to have to keep my hands to myself all night.”

“All night?” Tessa pouted dramatically. 

“You inviting me to an illicit sleepover?” 

“Illicit, yes,” Tessa whispered, “sleep, hmm, not so much.”

Ava grinned with raised eyebrows before leaving a final kiss on Tessa’s lips, breaking the connection between them and heading into the room. 

“Finally,” Patrice got to his feet as Tessa and Ava entered, “now the whole group is here,” he handed the women drinks as they navigated their way through the group and sat on the remaining two seater sofa. The chat continued around them as they settled. 

“Good siesta?” Jordan asked underneath her breath so that only Tessa could hear. 

“Amazing,” Tessa replied, a glint in her eye that only Jordan knew the meaning of, “best I’ve ever had.”

Jordan responded with a look of mock disgust before turning her attention back to the conversation of the group. 

“Is your head feeling better, Scott?” Ava asked as she drank from her beer bottle. 

“Much better, thanks,” Scott replied with a smile, “drinking red wine in the sun isn’t advisable!”

“Ok, if Scott’s feeling better and we’re all here,” the excitement in Patrice’s voice matched the wide smile on his face, “let’s play a game.”

Some members of the group looked skeptically at Patrice. Those who had been involved in his ‘games’ before were doubtful about the potential for fun that didn’t result in a very heavy head the following morning. 

“Oh, humour him,” Marie smiled as she planted a kiss on her husband’s cheek, “it’s his party.”

“Ok, ok,” Scott gave in on behalf of the group, “what’s the game Patch?”

Clearly excited at being able to lead the game, Patrice produced a tray of shot glasses from behind his chair and placed them on the table. There was a collective groan. 

“Patch, we are not playing ‘never have I ever’,” Kaetlyn moaned, “the last time I played that-”

“No,” Tessa and Scott said in unison, drawing the eyes of the rest of the group on them. 

“I’m sensing a story,” Trennt said with a wide-eyed smile, “one I am yet to hear,” he added with a grin in Kaetlyn’s direction. 

“No story,” Scott said firmy. 

“Nope, nothing,” Kaetlyn added. 

“Let’s just say - what happens on the tour bus stays on the tour bus,” Tessa explained. 

“Ah,” Marie said in a knowing voice, “tour stories are never for sharing.”

“Sacred secrets,” Patch agreed as he closed the topic, all too aware that the tour story box was not one he wanted to open. “No, this relies on more intelligence than that,” Patrice explained, “we have to get into pairs first.”

Everyone arranged themselves into pairs with the two (known) couples in the group formed pairs, Amelie and Gabriel teamed up, Scott and Jordan accepted each other as teammates and Tessa and Ava made the final team. 

“I’m sorry if this is a game about how much we know about one another,” Gabriel apologised to Amelie. 

“Oh no, it’s not that,” Patrice told him quietly, “that is not a safe option for tonight, believe me.”

Gabriel smiled with polite confusion before turning his attention to Patrice’s instructions for the game. 

“Each team will be given a topic from one of these cards,” he explained as he reached for a deck of cards onto which he had printed lists covering a range of topics from music to historical events, “each card has a list of ten answers related to the topic. For each answer on the card that the team doesn’t say, they have to drink half a shot,” he placed a bottle of tequila onto the tray with the shot glasses, “the team can share the drinking of the shots in anyway they choose, but the shots cannot be refused.”

Trepidation rippled through the group, but everyone smiled and showed enthusiasm for the game. 

“You’re playing too, right?” Scott asked towards Patrice and Marie. 

“Of course,” Patrice replied. 

“Ok, Moir, you’re up first,” Patrice smiled.

“Moir and Virtue, actually,” Scott said as he pulled Jordan into his side.

“The other one,” Jordan laughed as she joined Scott. 

“Yeah, we’ll just ignore the weirdness of that one, guys,” Trennt smiled as he took a card from the deck and held it up. 

The group giggled through yet another awkward moment - the alcohol was, at least, helping to navigate the awkwardness they couldn’t seem to avoid. Trennt held the card up ready to read it. Tessa shifted on the sofa, brushing Ava’s thigh ‘accidentally’ as she moved. Ava, feeling the touch, pressed her thigh into Tessa’s hand. 

“Ok,” Trennt cleared his voice, “name ten battles of World War Two.”

“What?” Jordan was outraged, “how are we meant to know ten!”

“Ok, we can do this,” Scott turned and faced Jordan, “let’s think.”

“Scott, thinking isn’t going to help,” Jordan assured him, “I just don’t know!”

“Jord,” Scott took Jordan’s hand in his, “let’s start with the obvious ones,” he focused her attention. 

Trennt couldn’t help but let out a little giggle as he saw Scott trying to get Jordan to focus - he really was a true competitor. 

Jordan, highly skeptical about Scott’s plan, did as she was told and gave him her focus. 

“We know Pear Harbour has to be on there,” Scott said calmly, “and Midway.”

“Ok, that’s two,” Jordan said steadily, “think about places in Europe.”

“Yeah, good,” Scott encouraged her, “what about Dunkirk?”

“Was that a battle, technically?”

“Good point. Let’s keep it as a back up.”

“What about Band of Brothers, what’s that? Is that one?”

“Oh, where were they?” Scott rubbed his forehead. 

“It was all in the forest wasn’t it?” Jordan searched her memory - truth be told she had only half watched it when Ted had declared it the best show ever made. 

“In France,” Scott said as the facts came back to him, “was it called the Battle of the Bulge?”

“Battle of the Bulge?” Jordan curled her lip, “that sounds like some cheesy diet, Scott.”

The rest of the group couldn’t help but giggle at the conversation going on between the two. Jordan looked around at the rest of the group, distracted by the fun they were having at her expense. 

“Here,” Scott drew Jordan’s attention back to him, “focus, we can do this.”

“Ok, Battle of the Bulge,” Jordan shook her head, still unsure about Scott’s brainwave and possible rewriting of world history, “Battle of Britain, that’s got to be one.”

“Yeah, the Blitz!” Scott enthused, “that’s a good one, well done.”

“We need another seven, Scott.”

“Think Europe again,” Scott encouraged her, “Stalingrad.”

“Ok, yeah,” Jordan bit her lip as she thought.

“I’m going to give you guys some help,” Trennt said kindly, “they’re not all strictly battles. Like how you wondered about Dunkirk - that’s on here.”

“Ok,” Scott’s confidence grew slightly, “then maybe Dresden?”

“Hiroshima?”

“D-Day.”

“How many are we on?”

“Nine.”

“One more.”

“I’ll tell you that all nine you’ve said are actually on the card,” Trennt said with a smile. 

“Seriously?” Jordan’s eyes were wide as they met Scott’s.

“Yehp,” Trennt smiled. 

“Well, then I think we should stop and share a shot in celebration,” Scott beamed.

“Agreed!” Jordan smiled as she high-fived Scott. 

“Ok, we’re done,” Scott announced. 

“Don’t say the other one,” Patrice said quickly before Trennt could read the only answer they had not given, “then we can still use the card in another game.”

“Ok, cool,” Trennt smiled as he put the card at the bottom of the deck, “well done guys.”

“Thanks,” Jordan and Scott smiled at each other as they both downed the half a shot that Patrice had poured into their glasses. 

“Ok, Gabriel and Amelie, you’re up next,” Patrice announced as he took a card from the deck with a smile. 

“Ok,” Gabriel rubbed his hands together before steadying himself, “bring it on,” he smiled as he took a swig of his beer.

“Right,” Patrice took a swig of his own beer before settling back with the card in his hand, “ten European cities beginning with the letter ‘s’.”

“What?” Jordan flamed with injustice, “how is that comparable to ours?”

“Luck of the draw,” Patrice smiled as he smothered a grin. 

“Saint Petersburg,” Amelie started.

“Salzburg.”

“Sarajevo.”

“Seville.”

“Sofia.”

“Stockholm.”

The pair looked at each other, both hoping that the other had another answer to offer. 

“We’re at a shot each,” Amelie informed Gabriel. 

“I can’t think of anymore.”

“Nor me.”

“Just take the shot?”

“Yeah.”

“Well done, guys,” Patrice smiled as he filled their classes with a shot of tequila, “good try.”

“Host’s turn,” Scott smiled with delight, “although I guess you know what’s on the cards.”

“Billie-Rose made them,” Patrice informed them with a smile. 

Scott made a face that showed mock doubt - Patrice was the most honest person who knew; there was no way he was lying about Billie-Rose making the cards. 

“Oh, this is a good one,” Scott was almost jumping from his seat with excitement as he showed the card to Jordan. 

“Name,” Scott smiled, “ten Leafs players,” a grin cracked across his face as he silently thanked Billie-Rose for making a card about a topic her father knew next to nothing. 

“You have to be kidding!” Patrice couldn’t believe his luck. 

“Luck of the draw, Patch,” Jordan said with glee. 

Patrice threw her daggers before turning to his wife. 

“Don’t look at me!” Marie held her hands up, “the only skating I know about is the type where you aim to look graceful, not like a bunch of thugs on ice.”

“Seriously,” Patrice sighed, “I’ve got Mr. Plus One, and that’s about it.”

“That is not his name,” Tessa raised her eyebrows in Patrice’s direction, “it doesn’t count as an answer unless you say his name.”

“The bloke threw up on me, Tess,” Patrice reminded her, “I should get him as a free answer!”

“Not a chance,” Scott backed Tessa. 

Ava shot a questioning look at Tessa as she was, once more, lost by the group’s joint history.

“My plus one for Scott’s wedding,” Tessa informed her quietly. 

“Oh,” Ava replied, the beer and the day’s earlier revelations enabled her to take the information lightly, “and he threw up on Patrice?” she asked with a smile. 

“Yehp,” Tessa replied with a swig of her own beer, “wasn’t pretty.”

Ava wanted to say that she was more surprised by the fact that Tessa was at Scott’s wedding at all, but she guessed it was part of the story she would learn about when Tessa wanted her to. 

“No, I give up,” Patrice folded his arms across his chest, “I don’t know.”

“I think we should let him have the plus one,” Kaetlyn showed some empathy towards her friend, “it is his party.”

“He made the game!” Scott protested. 

“We’ll let him have the plus one,” Jordan conceded, “and we’ll say just two shots each, given that it’s their party.”

“You’re too kind,” Scott stated as he poured tequila into Marie and Patrice’s shot glasses and waited for them to down the liquid before refilling them. 

“We’ll read yours,” Amelie notified Trennt and Kaetlyn, “but don’t automatically expect your generosity to be repaid.”

There was a titter of laughter and fake threats around the room as Amelie readied the card. 

“Ok,” she smiled, “I think this is an ok one. Ten films starring Brad Pitt.”

“Nice,” Kaetlyn sat up, ready to answer. 

“There’s actually more than ten answers on this one,” Amelie informed them, “so don’t worry about thinking about the most popular ones or anything.”

“Over to you, Kaet,” Trennt smiled, “sounds like one for the girls.”

“You better help me out,” Kaetlyn hit Trennt on the arm, “don’t leave it all to me.”

“Ok,” he conceded, “Saving Private Ryan.”

“That wasn’t Brad Pitt!” the exasperation in Kaetlyn’s voice made Jordan giggle. 

“Looks like you are on your own, Kaet,” Jordan smiled at the younger woman.

“It would seem so,” Kaetlyn replied, “let’s hope I actually know the difference between Brad Pitt and Tom Hanks!” she threw an accusing look at Trennt as she spoke.

“I think every woman on the planet know the difference between Tom Hanks and Brad Pitt!” Scott laughed. 

“Fight Club,” Kaetlyn started the list. 

“Great movie!” Ava smiled. 

“Meet Joe Black,” Kaetlyn added. 

“Oh, I know,” Trennt said enthusiastically as his memory was jogged, “Legends of the Fall.”

“Yehp,” Gabriel smiled, “all three of those are correct.”

“Interview with the Vampire,” Kaetleyn said with enthusiasm. 

“Now, that’s a great movie!” Tessa said with a wink towards Kaetlyn. 

“It is!” Kaetlyn returned the smirk. 

“Care to share?” Trennt smiled between the two women. 

“Ah. sorry-” Kaetlyn began. 

“Let me guess,” Trennt raised his eyebrows, “tour confidential?”

“Indeed,” Kaetlyn added. 

“Girls’ film night confidential,” Tessa added as she and Kaetlyn both thought back to the night they’d spent lying on the double bed in the ‘crew bus’ during the Thank You Canada tour eating popcorn and watching movies.

“Troy!” Trennt was clearly pleased with himself as he added another answer, “oh, and Snatch.”

“Boys’ film night!” Scott joked. 

“Oh,” Kaetlyn said, “and Thelma and Louise.”

.“The good ole’ sex-in-hotel-room-with-a-stranger storyline,” Jordan nodded, “a classic.”

“Sex in a hotel room with anyone is pretty much a movie staple,” Ava smiled. 

“And it’s always hotel rooms,” Marie laughed, “they’re the greatest aphrodisiac in Hollywood!”

“What is it about sex in hotel rooms?” Trennt asked with a chuckle. 

“Unfamiliarity,” no one was sure who spoke first. It wasn’t clear whether it was Scott’s deep voice that spoke over Tessa’s higher one, or whether it was Tessa’s lips the word had left first, but the details didn’t matter; the synchronicity of thought and speech was like a dead weight. They both looked down, both independently wishing that the ground beneath them would open up and swallow them whole, leaving no trace of their thoughts, of their words, or even of their existence. 

“Something you read about, Scott?” Trennt may not have been sharp at determining the difference between Tom Hanks and Brad Pitt, but his ability to jump in and save easily the most awkward moment of the weekend with a witty remark was unrivalled. Laughter and relief washed over the group like a wave. Scott and Tessa joined in with the laughter, making light of the sickness they both felt in the pit of their stomachs.   
Scott took a sip of his beer, washing down the embarrassment was threatening to drown him. Tessa, wishing she was anywhere but in her current situation, felt Ava shift her body closer to hers, closing all space between them. She felt her girlfriend’s finger trace a line quickly over her knuckles in a show of solidarity and confidence. Tessa waited until everyone’s attention was back on the game before brushing Ava’s upper arm with the palm of her hand and making eye contact with her. She found a smile in Ava’s eyes, and felt simultaneously grateful and guilty. Jordan’s earlier words echoed around her mind - Ava deserved more than having to sit through comments about the past; comments that wouldn’t be made if people knew how she really was and what she really meant to Tess. 

“Chill,” Ava whispered behind her drink so that only Tessa could hear. She knew that Tessa would be worrying about her, about how she was feeling. She wanted her to know that the past didn’t matter to her; that the present moment and the heat of their bodies next to each other was the only thing that mattered to her. 

“Allied, is the last one I know,” Kaetlyn sat back against the sofa’s cushion, “that’s eight and a shot between us, I think I am ok with that.”

“Yeah,” Trennt nodded, “we’ll take the shot.”

“Well played,” Marie congratulated them as Patrice poured half a shot into each of the glasses that stood before them. 

“Ava and Tess, you’re up,” Patrice announced as he took a card from the pile on the table in front of him.

“Wow,” he exclaimed as he looked at the card, “I am glad I didn’t get this one! Name ten novels that have won the Pulitzer prize for fiction.”

“Ouch!” Gabriel exclaimed. 

“Ouch?” Jordan laughed, “Ava works for a publishing house and Tessa reads books like we breathe air!”

“Not quite, Jord!” Tessa protested. 

Scott, a witty remark trembling at this lips, thought it best not to say anything after the disaster of his last contribution to the group’s discussion. 

“Ok,” Ava pulled her leg up onto the sofa and turned her body to face Tessa’s, “we can have a good go at this one.”

“I don’t know that I’m going to know all that many,” Tessa bit her bottom lip as she thought, “I don’t know that my reading is all that highbrow!”

“Let’s think current and classic,” Ava suggested, “some of the best known novels must have won it.”

“Well, I know a current one, I think,” Tessa said tentatively, “All the Light We Cannot See won it, I think.”

“Yeah, it did,” Ava smiled as she laid a hand on Tessa’s knee to encourage her, “good start,” she removed her hand, realising that it lingering too long would make Tessa feel uncomfortable. 

“What about The Color Purple?” Ava suggested the book they had both enjoyed reading recently. 

“Yeah, good answer,” Patrice informed her. 

“To Kill a Mockingbird?” Tessa asked. 

“Spot on,” Patrice nodded. 

“The Road,” Ava was sure of her answer. 

“You’re at five already,” Patrice said. 

“What’s the Virginia Woolf one?” Tessa’s brow creased as she spoke. 

“I don’t think she ever won one,” Ava responded. 

“No,” Tessa clarified, “it’s based on Mrs Dalloway It was made into a film and the house fills with water. 

“Oh,” Ava smiled excitedly, “The Hours! Yeah, that won, I am sure!”

“Correct.”

“I really don’t think I know any others,” Tessa said resignedly. 

“There must be a Steinbeck one in there,” Ava reasoned. 

“Of Mice and Men?”

“Strangely, I don’t think so,” Ava replied, “I am pretty sure there was shock at that never winning it.”

“One of his others?”

“Grapes of Wrath, maybe?”

“Yehp,” Patrice was now just downright impressed. 

“Well, I think we actually deserve a shot each for naming those,” Ava suggested with a smile. 

“Agreed,” Tessa smiled, “let’s stop there.”

“Very impressive!” Marie smiled at Tessa and Ava. 

“Good team work,” Ava winked at Tessa as they both knocked back the shots that had been poured for them. 

Tessa couldn’t help but return the wink as the tequila burned the back of her throat and sent a flood of warmth through her blood. 

“That was the warm up round,” Patrice announced as he shuffled the deck of cards, “this time the lowest scoring team is knocked out and has to drink the same number of shots as the items they name in the list. There was a half-hearted groan from the group as all of the teams prepared to do their best in the upcoming round. 

Slightly emboldened by the alcohol that hit her empty stomach, Tessa leant into Ava and ‘accidentally’ brushed her inner thigh with her hand as she reached over her to grab an extra cushion from the end of the sofa. 

“Mind on the game,” Ava whispered in response. 

The second round of the game saw Amelie and Gabriel eliminated and they acted as the questions masters for the third round, which saw Scott and Jordan eliminated and both teams were forced to drink four shots.

“Ok,” Patrice, his excitement now somewhat uncontrollable, “now we play for the winner,” he grinned as he spoke, “with a dance off!”

“Yes!” Kaetlyn jumped to her feet with joy. 

“Seriously?” Trennt laughed, “you want me to move from this comfortable sofa?”

“Come on,” Marie smiled at Trennt, “you can do it.”

The group got up from the sofas and headed back into the room that had been set up for dancing the night before. It had been rearranged to make it more intimate with the bar now smaller and tucked into the corner of the room and a small dance floor with a set of speakers and a laptop. 

“You actually planned all of this, didn’t you?” Marie smiled at Patrice. 

“Always prepared!” Patrice smiled at his wife. 

Ava shot a sideways glance at Tessa, knowing that the phrase and its connection to their earlier antics would not be lost on her. Tessa threw a glint-eyed look her way in response. A spark flew between the two that told Tessa there was no way she would be sleeping alone that night. 

“Right, well, we’ve got pairs already,” Patrice announced, “Gabriel and Amelie, as the first pair to go out, you can have the job of running the music. Jordan and Scott, you’re the judges,” Patrice announced. 

“Are you sure you’re ok with this?” Tessa asked Ava quietly, knowing that she wasn’t all that keen on dancing. 

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” Ava smiled in response, appreciative of the care Tessa had shown her, “I’ve got the best dancer here on my team,” she added with a wink. 

“The instructions are next to the laptop,” Patrice called over to Gabriel and Amelie. 

Amelie picked up the instructions and read them carefully. 

“Ok,” she spoke to the teams in front of her, “the first game is one that tests your memory skills.”

“Memory skills?” Kaetlyn asked, “I thought this was a dancing contest?”

“It is, Patrice smiled, “with a difference.”

“Each team will be given six cards,” Amelie explained as she started to hand out envelopes to the pairs, “on each of thE cards will be six different dance moves,” she continued, “team member A will have one minute to memorise the six dance moves before the cards are handed back in to me. Once the minute is up, team member A will have two minutes to teach team member B the six dance moves. Team member B will then be tested by Scott and Jordan. The team that successfully manages to remember and perform the most dance moves is the winning team and scores one point. Final rule - no talking!”

The teams set out portioning out their roles. Patrice, Trennt and Ava took on the Role of Team member A in their pairs. Leaving Kaetlyn, Tessa and Marie to be Team member B. 

“Ok, envelopes at the ready,” Amelie announced, “Gabriel, some music please!” she shouted over to Gabriel as he found a dance track and pressed play, “go!”

The envelopes were ripped open and Patrice, Trennt and Ava studied each card carefully. 

“Take your time,” Tessa whispered to Ava, “a minute it loads of time.”

“No talking!” Amelie reminded Tessa. 

Trennt, in a slight haze from the alcohol he’d consumed, dropped the cards on the floor and received a silent scalding from Kaetlyn. Patrice decided to put his muscle memory to good use and spent the minute dancing through his cards and trying to put a routine together to help him to remember what to do.

“3, 2, 1. Time’s up!”

“Already?” Patrice was only half way through his little routine. 

“Hand the cards to Scott, please,” Amelie instructed as Scott took each team’s cards and envelope and took them back to the bar where he lined them up in the order in which the teams were stood in front of him and Jordan. He ordered another beer for himself and a vodka and orange for Jordan. 

“Now, two minutes to teach your team member the dance moves,” Amelie continued. 

Trennt threw himself into the task and was soon twirling and jumping too fast for Kaetlyn to keep up. 

“Slow down!” Kaetlyn giggled as she tripped over her own toes trying to copy what Trennt was doing. 

“Sshh!”

Marie and Patrice were having more success and looked infinitely more elegant than Trennt and Kaetlyn were managing to. Their little routine started with a twirl and a jump before descending into twerking chaos. The sight of Patrice twerking sent Scott into a fit of hysterics which had him choking on his beer and fighting for breath. Marie threw herself into the move with the confidence and good humour with which she always approached life. Ava and Tessa had decided to go for a more tactile approach, with Ava performing the move as best she could and then manipulating Tessa’s body to show her what she should do and how it should look. If the odd touch lingered longer than needed, if a hand was placed on a body part surplus to the dance move or if a few flirtatious words were exchanged between the two, very few people in the room noticed. 

“Thirty seconds remaining,” Amelie informed them. The dancing was suddenly more focused and the moves carried out with more speed. 

“And, stop!”

“Well, I don’t know how many moves there were meant to be,” Kaetlyn moaned, “but there were definitely more than six!”

“No there wasn’t!” Trennt corrected her, “I just did a few more than once!”

A peal of laughter rang through the room as Kaetlyn looked exasperated. 

“We’ve got this,” Patrice announced, “I’ve got the best dancer on my team,” he leaned in and hugged his wife, planting a kiss on her cheek. 

The rest of the room looked at them with a smile, all, to some extent, envious of the love the couple had. 

“You’re quiet, Tess,” Jordan goaded her sister. 

“Humble, Jord, humble.”

A chorus of comments fluttered around the room, and Tessa smiled at the response. 

“Trennt, Kaetlyn, you’re up first,” Scott announced, “come forward, Kaetlyn”

The other teams clapped as Kaetlyn headed towards the bar and stood in front of Jordan and Scott. She stretched and limbered up in great dramatic style. Trennt wolf whistled her and everyone laughed. 

“We have your six dance moves here,” Jordan informed her as she held the cards up in front of herself and Scott. 

“And we want to see all six, Osmand,” Scott informed her “in full.”

“Cue music!” Jordan called over to Gabriel.

The music started and Kaetlyn managed to perform the first three moves with confidence. She then added a twirl, a jump and what looked like it was meant to be the moonwalk but ended up being a tangle of feet which sent her stumbling. Being the true professional she was, she stumbled into an ending pose and held her arms above her head. Trennt broke out into raucous clapping and cheering Kaetlyn took a bow. 

Jordan and Scott conferred behind their hands before agreeing on the score. 

“Three,” Scott announced. 

“Three?” Kaetlyn argued, “I did at least four of the ones Trennt tried to show me.”

“Not according to the cards,” Jordan was unwavering.

“Sorry, judges’ decision is final,” Scott put on his best authoritative voice, “any issues, take it up with the organisers.”

Kaetlyn turned on her heel and headed back towards Trennt, “robbed!” she laughed. 

“The hosts are up next,” Scott announced.

Marie danced her way to the bar and took her place in front of Scott and Jordan. The others clapped and bowed down to her in humour. 

The music began and Marie danced through six perfectly fluid moves before coming to a stop with a flourish. Patrice clapped and hollered as his wife bowed to her audience. 

Scott and Jordan conferred once more.

“Five,” Jordan announced. 

“Five?” Patrice shouted, “that was all six!”

“That was five and one that you obviously misread, Patch!”

“What? No!”

“No arguing with the judges,” Scott put Patrice in his place, “you are currently in first place. Let us have the third contestant, please. 

Ava gave Tessa what looked to the rest of the group to be a friendly and encouraging pat on the butt as she left to take her place in front of Jordan and Scott. 

“Got to get the full set to win, Tess,” Jordan informed her sister. 

“It’s hardly fair,” Gabriel commented from his place behind the laptop, “the other two are couples, they have a better chance at understanding each other’s communication.”

Jordan’s eyes met Tessa’s and a small smile slid across the sisters’ lips. 

“And Ava doesn’t dance for a living,” Amelie added. 

“Neither do we anymore,” the rest of the room chorused. 

“We’re happy to compete,” Tessa informed the room, “let’s get on with it,” she smiled as she jumped and warmed up. 

“Right,” Scott held the six cards up in front of him and Jordan, “let’s see it then.”

Tessa danced well through the first move before moving onto the second, third and fourth. She took a breath before performing the fifth and sixth before holding her finishing pose. 

“Well,” Jordan said as she and Scott pretended to confer behind the cards, but both of them knew full well that Tessa had performed all six moves flawlessly, “what about that one?” Jordan pointed to the third card, enjoying keeping her sister in suspence. 

“Arms were a bit loose,” Scott said to Jordan. 

“Tilted back a bit?” Jordan continued the conversation. 

“And that was under-rotated,” Scott tried his best to keep a straight face as he and Jordan enjoyed winding Tessa up. 

“They’ve won,” Trennt announced, “Tessa’s never under-rotated anything in her life!” 

Ava couldn’t help but smile to herself as she watched her girlfriend blow the competition apart. She loved the way Tessa could take the humour and joking of the situation. She loved how easily she was able to make fun of herself, never taking herself too seriously or worrying about what others thought of her. She had noticed it developing in her the more time they spent together, but here, with her sister and her friends, she felt that she was seeing her emerge more and more confident. 

“Ok, ok,” Jordan quietened the group, “we have the results.”

“Wait,” Scott grabbed a pen from the barman and turned over two of the dance move cards. He wrote a six on the back of each one and handed one to a smiling Jordan. 

“For team number three,” Jordan announced as she and Scott held up their sixes.

“Woow!” Tessa jumped up and down at the full marks before rushing back to Ava and pulling her into a hug. 

“Round one goes to Tessa and Ava!” Patrice announced, “just!”

More drinks were handed around as the second game was prepared. This time the teams were required to engage in a dance battle against each other. Gabriel and Amelie took on the roles of DJ and judges, leaving Jordan and Scott to chat at the bar. 

“How are you feeling today?” Scott asked as he took a swig of his beer and Trennt started to throw his best dance moves. 

“Better,” Jordan replied, “I spoke to Ted on the phone earlier and I could hear Ollie laughing in the background. I was surprised because instead of feeling sad or feeling that pull on my heart, I felt happy. His laugh made me realise that any worrying and turmoil was on my end, and not his. And, well, happiness for your kid, it’s all you want, isn’t?”

“It’s what we always say, isn’t it?” Scott agreed, “as long as they’re happy.”

“Exactly. I think it can sometimes be tough to accept that they can be happy without you. I suppose it’s a moment of vulnerability as a parent.”

“Yeah, that makes sense,” Scott nodded, “gosh, we’re in trouble when they get older!”

“I think it’s par for the course that they break your heart,” Jordan took a gulp of her drink as she spoke. The alcohol was beginning to spread through her blood and her mind and she was filled with a calm sense of perspective that made her relax, “it’s been interesting this weekend, actually,” she started, “I have actually missed Ted, and it feels like the first time in ages that I have really felt the absence of our relationship. That probably doesn’t make any sense,” she smiled as she ordered another vodka for herself and another beer for Scott, “when you plan to have a family you read all of these books that tell you to expect your relationship to change, to plan for it. And I always used to think, ‘oh we don’t need to worry about that, we’re solid, we love each other’, but the truth is that nothing can really prepare you for that extra person in your marriage. I know they shouldn’t be in your marriage, that you have to keep the two separate, but it just happens somehow. You manage for a few weeks, and then the tiredness kicks in and then you put time together off for another day and promise you’ll spend time together, but it all just rolls into one and the baby becomes the centre of everything.”

“They do become all consuming,” Scott sipped at his beer. 

“I was aware that we’d drifted apart a little bit,” Jordan admitted, “but this afternoon I really missed him and I just started thinking about how silly it was to miss him after one day-”

“And then you realised you’ve been missing him for a lot longer,” Scott finished for her, the tone of his voice empathetic and knowing. 

“That’s exactly it,” Jordan turned to look at Scott, feeling his understanding reach out to her, “we haven’t made time for each other for months. We’ve been living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, parenting our child, but we’ve not made time to be man and wife, a couple - us.”

“I think it’s easily done,” Scott smiled kindly, “you’ve recognised it, and that’s half the battle with these things, that and realising that it is a normal situation to be in - one that many couples find themselves in. You will look forward to getting back to him and making time for him.”

“I will,” Jordan nodded, “you must be looking forward to getting back to Jena, too.”

Scott inhaled slowly as he took a swig of his beer and raised his eyebrows. The alcohol he had consumed was making its way to his head and mixing his emotions. 

“To be honest, Jordan,” Scott felt something fall away as his emotions ebbed to the surface, “I don’t know what I’ve got to go back to exactly.”

Jordan, initially taken aback by Scott’s admission, sipped at her drink and delved into Scott’s comment, “what?” the word was gentle and tentative, but also laced with something close to anxiety. 

“Things aren’t great between us at the moment,” Scott kept the answer vague- despite the freedom the alcohol had given him, he was still aware of the need to conceal the true reasons behind their recent arguments, “it feels like a lot of hard work at the moment.”

“Relationships are.”

“Yeah, I know,” Scott nodded, “but both people should want to do the work, right?”

Jordan nodded in response. 

“I just can’t seem to get it right at the moment,” Scott knocked back more of his beer and ordered another from the barman, “it feels like I dig us out of a hole, put us on solid ground and before I know it we’re ten foot deep again.”

“There’s a lot to work through when you’re a couple,” Jordan offered. 

“Yeah,” Scott showed he understood, “but it’s the same hole again and again,” he said quietly. 

“Oh,” Jordan wasn’t sure she really wanted to know what the hole was - mostly because, in the back of her mind, deep in her bones, in her heart, she knew exactly what the hole was and, whatismore, she knew it was unlikely to ever offer Scott solid ground. But tonight was not the night to dig beneath the surface. Plus, the waters weren’t hers to muddy anyway. 

“I’m missing Nate,” Scott announced, “but I’m not missing home and, I really have no idea what I am going to be going home to.”

“Does she know where you are this weekend?” it was as close to reality as Jordan could allow herself to get. 

“Nope,” Scott took a long swig at his beer as he thought about the reception the details of his weekend were likely to get him, “I’m thinking of visiting my mom next week, so some time apart will probably be a good thing.” 

“Well, if you’re around London with Nate, there’s a great kids’ club that I take Ollie to, I can give you the address. I bet the boys would be happy to see each other again,” Jordan offered, happy for the opportunity to change the topic of conversation. 

“That would be great,” Scott smiled at the offer, “I worry about Nate missing his friends when we are away from home. I have gone out of my way to make sure that he spends time with other children, and so he really is attached to his social group. He gets on so well with Ollie, and the kids’ club would give him a chance to play with other kids, too.”

“Sure,” Jordan smiled, “happy to help. It’s a really great club, the couple who run it are lovely,” she said as she reached into her pocket for her phone and the number. 

“Tessa and Ava seem really happy,” Scott threw the comment out at Jordan. 

“Tessa and Ava?” Jordan stalled as she tried to gather herself from the shock of Scott’s comment. 

“Jordan, I spent half a lifetime trying to pretend I wasn’t in a relationship with Tess, remember?”

Jordan laughed as she navigated to the contact in her phone. 

“It’s only just become serious,” Jordan revealed to Scott, “it’s taken her a long time to commit to anything aft..,” she stopped short, suddenly aware of who she was talking to. 

“It’s ok,” Scott smiled softly, “after what I did, I know.”

“It’s not…,” Jordan struggled, “what went on was on both of you,” she tried to be fair and empathetic, “but it,” she wondered how much of the truth to reveal to Scott - the alcohol made the choice for her, “it destroyed her, Scott. That’s the truth. Where she is now, it’s not where she’s been for these past two years. After the wedding she…,” Jordan stopped, aware of the secrets that were not hers to reveal, “it wasn’t easy,” were the words she settled on.

Scott could only nod. Part of him wanted to tell Jordan that it hadn’t been easy for him either, but that he’d done what he thought was right at the time. He wanted to tell her that he hurt too, that marrying Tessa was all he’d ever wanted and the rejection hadn’t stopped him loving her, but that it hadn’t been enough. But instead he only nodded. 

“Ava is so gentle with her, so good for her,” Jordan assured him, “she’s doing so well. But it’s on her terms, in her way, and Ava is really supportive of that.”

“I never realised she-,”

“No,” Jordan nodded, “neither did I, or Tess, I don’t think, but what’s biology at the end of day? Ava is a nice person, Tess is attracted to her, the rest doesn’t matter.”

“No, I wasn’t suggestin-”

“No, I know,” Jordan sighed, “sorry, I didn’t mean to launch an attack. It’s just been a long road, you know? And seeing her happy is all that matters right now.”

“Judging by the dinner last week I am guessing that Kate doesn’t know?”

“Nobody knows,” Jordan pierced him with her eyes, “apart from me.”

Scott nodded in understanding of Jordan’s cloaked threat. 

They sat back in silence and drank their drinks, both processing the secrets they’d told the other. Scott looked around the room at the couples. He looked at Trennt as he smiled at Kaetlyn’s goofy dancing. He saw the sparkle in the young guy’s eye as he pulled his girlfriend into his side and placed a kiss on her head. He looked at Tessa and Ava throwing veiled glances at each other across the dancefloor. He saw the secret smile that had once been his and the seemingly accidental touches that had once warmed his skin. And he looked at Patch and Marie, a couple who had been through it all and never wavered. He saw in them the true meaning of what it was to be married, to promise each other that there is nothing bigger than the love. A promise to never give up or give in and to always believe, steadfastly, in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up - Scott's headed for some time in Ilderton.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short, and not all that sweet, I'm afraid.

The lights cast a soft glow on the hallway as Scott shut the front door quietly. The delay of his flight had caused him to arrive home later than he had expected, and he didn’t want to wake Jena or Nate. He crept into the kitchen to grab a glass of water before heading up to bed. 

“Hey,” Jena’s voice was soft and low as she appeared in the doorway that connected the kitchen and the lounge. 

“I didn’t expect you to be up,” Scott smiled in her direction. 

He was met with only a shrugging of shoulders. 

“Good weekend?” he asked, “Nate ok?”

“Great,” Jena replied as she watched him pour himself a glass of cold water, “we had fun. He was perfect.”

The thought of his son brought a smile to Scott’s face. 

“Your mom and dad ok?”

“Yeah, good, thanks. They enjoyed having time with Nate.”

Scott sipped at his water before making for the door to exit the kitchen and check in on Nate. 

“Can we talk?” Jena sounded almost nervous. 

“Tonight?”

“I know it’s late, but I just want to talk about the weekend. Where we are. Please, Scott.”

“Sure,” Scott stifled a sigh as he spoke. He was physically and emotionally tired from travelling and from the weekend with Tessa, “I don’t have the energy to fig-”

“Me neither,” Jena said quickly, “I don’t want to fight either. “

Scott, hoping that she was true to her word, followed her into the lounge and took a seat on the sofa next to her. 

“How was your weekend?” Jena asked. 

“Fine,” Scott remained non-committal - there was no way he was getting into an argument about his weekend with Jena after he had spent over two hours hanging around in an airport lounge. 

“Spending time apart gave me time to think,” Jena ventured, “time to start thinking, anyway.”

“Ok.”

“It was time I needed.”

“Right.”

“I didn’t get to sort out everything I have in my head, but I think it was good for us. Is good for us.”

“Is good for us?” Scott questioned, “what do you mean?”

“I mean that some more time apart, you know, to think, might be good.”

Scott inhaled slowly. He could feel her working up to something, and he didn’t need to be a genius to work out that she was thinking about how time apart would work between them. 

“Jena, it’s late. I’m tired. Just tell me what you want.”

“It’s not about wha…,” her voice rose slightly and she became aware of breaking her promise not to argue with him, “the company are setting up a new office,” she explained, “in Germany. They’ve asked me to go over, just for the week, to get the staff there up to speed.”

“Right,” Scott’s voice was devoid of emotion “when?”

“I leave tomorrow afternoon,” Jena said simply. 

“Leave?” Scott questioned, “so you have already said yes?”

“Someone dropped out, Scott. Craig called today. He needed an answ-”

“And it didn’t cross your mind to call and ask me?”

“You were in the air, Scott,” Jena explained, “he needed an answer and-”

“And you thoug…,” Scott stopped himself from telling her that she was selfish, that she could have put them first, that she could have thought about their family, and then it occurred to him that, that was exactly what she had done. To her, the best thing for them at this point was to be apart. 

“When will you be back?” 

“Next Monday.”

“Ok.”

“Scott, I think this is good for us. Time, I think we need to-”

“Yeah, Jena, you’re right,” Scott conceded, “some more time alone will do us a world of good. More time to think.”

“Yeah.”

Silence fell between them. Scott wondered how they had gotten to the point in their marriage where being half way across the world was preferable to being in their own house together. 

“I’ll call,” Jena looked up at him as she broke the silence, “to speak to Nate,” she clarified, “if that’s ok.”

“Of course it’s ok,” Scott’s voice was soft and understanding as he turned to look at the mother of his child, “Jena,” he turned to face her, “whatever happens. You’re his mom. I’m his dad. Nothing changes that.”

“No,” Jena agreed, “thanks.”

“I need some sleep,” Scott sighed as he stood up from the sofa and headed from the room. He padded across the hallway and pushed the door of Nate’s bedroom open. He stood at the side of his cot and looked over at his son. Nate’s peace never failed to calm him. He heard Jena move behind him. 

“He’s perfect, isn’t he?” she asked quietly as they both looked into the cot. 

“He is,” Scott smiled at her, “I’ll make sure he calls you next week,” Scott reassured her, “we’ll get the time zones sorted out so that he can talk to you each day.”

“Thanks.”

“I’m going to take him to my mom’s for the week,” Scott informed her.

“Great,” Jena smiled, “he will enjoy that. He kept telling mom about the fair and the rain at the weekend.”

“Did he?” Scott smiled as he thought of the weekend they had enjoyed together. 

“Yeah,” Jena smiled, “it’s good for him to spend time with family.”

“It is.”

They stood for another moment, both wondering how they had managed to create something as utterly perfect as Nate.

“I’ll sleep in the spare room,” Scott informed her, “you’ll be leaving early?” he couldn’t bring himself to admit that he didn’t want to be her bed. Her early start provided the perfect rationale for his changed sleeping arrangements. 

“Yeah,” Jena’s breath caught slightly as she answered, “yeah, I will. That’s a good idea.”

They stood in silence for a moment longer. 

“Night,” Scott smiled as he turned to leave the room. 

“Night,” Jena’s voice was barely more than a whisper as she spoke to his retreating back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up - back to Ilderton (and the loving arms of Alma).


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No better place for some home truths than, well...home!

Scott pulled the hire car into the parking lot and looked into the rearview mirror. He smiled as he watched Nate holding onto the blue blanket that Alma had given to him a few weeks before. 

“Pasta now?” Nate smiled back at his dad. 

“Sure, bud,” Scott smiled, “we're going to meet with Patch for lunch, and I am sure there will be some pasta on the menu."

Scott smiled as Nate nodded whilst also pushing to be let out of his car seat. 

“I’ll come and let you out now,” Scott smiled, “you’ve been a good boy today.”

They had left Florida just as the sun was coming up, and Scott had managed to make sure Nate slept during the flight to Toronto. Patrice had mentioned during the party that he was going to be in Toronto for a few days, so Scott saw the perfect opportunity to catch up with his friend and to introduce him to his son for the first time. The weekend with Patrice and Marie had made him realise just how removed he had become from his friends and mentors, and he was keen to change that. With a smile and a sense of happiness at the thought of Patch and Nate meeting each other, Scott got out of the car and headed for the trunk. He pulled his back pack onto his back before heading to the back seat of the car. 

“Good boy,” Scott praised Nate as he waited patiently for Scott to work out the buckle on the hired car seat. 

“Me good boy,” Nate smiled. 

“You are,” Scott chuckled as he lifted his son out of his seat and stood him on the floor. 

“Hand,” Nate was well versed in how his dad expected him to act and behave when they were out together and he immediately offered Scott his outstretched hand to hold. 

Scott took his hand and left a kiss on his head, “time for lunch,” Scott smiled as they headed across the parking lot and into the Toronto streets. He liked the anonymity of the big city, but it didn’t feel as easy as Ilderton. In Ilderton everyone knew him and he knew that he could trust them with his son’s privacy. There weren’t many media outlets who would be interested in a photo of him and Nate, he reasoned. He had been away from Canada for long enough to be nothing more than a mention - on his own, anyway! 

They ducked into the darkened restaurant and found their way to the table that Patrice had picked out. A seasoned pro at going unnoticed, Patrice had chosen a booth at the back of the restaurant. The walls of the booth allowed for some privacy, and Scott felt a sense of relief when he saw that the restaurant was relatively empty. He and Tessa had got to a point where they avoided eating out, not because of attention from fans (they had learnt to deal with that, and most people were too shy or too respectful to interrupt their dinner), but because even eating a meal in a restaurant became a show in the end. They felt under so much scrutiny that they were never able to be natural with each other. He remembered it maddening him at the time - he used to look around at the other couples, used to watch the guy take his girlfriend’s hand across the table, lean over and leave a kiss on her lips, and he was angry that he couldn’t do that. He ended up feeling trapped by their secret - to him, the way out was simple: go public. Tessa had been unconvinced. 

“Hi,” Patrice almost sang with joy as Scott reached the table. 

“Hey, man,” Scott brought Patrice in for a hug, “it’s good to see you.”

“You, too,” Patrice smiled, “in less, well, weird circumstances.”

The two smiled at Patrice’s comment - the weekend had been many things, and weird was definitely one of them!

“This is Nate,” Scott smiled as he introduced his son.

Nate smiled weakly at Patrice as he looked up at the man with trepidation. 

“Hi Nate,” Patrice’s smile was warm and comforting. 

Nate rewarded him with a wave and a smile. 

“Can you say hi, bud?” Scott coaxed gently. 

“Hi,” Nate smiled at Patrice, becoming more confident, but not leaving his dad’s side.   
Scott lifted the toddler from the floor, placed a kiss on his head and sat him on his lap as he took his seat in the booth opposite Patrice. To begin with, Nate curled into his dad, hesitant to face Patrice. 

“He takes a bit of time with new people,” Scott informed Patrice. 

Patrice smiled at Scott. He enjoyed seeing this new side of his friend. He knew that fatherhood was something that Scott had looked forward to since he was a young man, and he was happy to see him with a child in his arms. 

“There is some colouring for you, Nate,” Patrice said gently as he picked up the colouring mat and crayons that he had asked the waitress for when he’d arrived at the restaurant. 

“Colouring?” Scott leant in to Nate and whispered. 

Nate emerged from his position against Scott and looked at the table. Patrice pushed the mat and crayons towards him and handed Nate one of the crayons. Nate smiled and took the crayon before putting it to work on the picture before him. As happens with young children, Patrice’s one act of kindness, and the introduction of a fun activity, broke the walls of shyness that Nate was hiding behind and he was soon colouring and humming happily to himself. 

“He’s going to be a singer,” Patrice joked as he and Scott watched Nate colour and hum, bobbing his head side to side. 

Scott laughed as he looked at his son, “we go to a music group once a week,” Scott explained, “I know when he’s concentrating on something because the humming starts.”

“Billie-Rose always used to stick her tongue out when she was concentrating,” Patrice reminisced with a smile. 

“Can I get you guys some drinks?” they were interrupted by a smiling waitress. 

“Can I get a lemonade,” Patrice smiled back at her. 

“The same for me,” Scott added, “and can I get a glass of water, too.”

“Sure,” the waitress smiled as she wrote their order on her notepad. 

“And is it possible to get a high chair, too?” Scott asked. 

“I’ll bring one over,” the waitress answered with a smile as she looked at Nate happily colouring. 

“Thanks,” Scott smiled as the waitress left to prepare their drinks. 

“How long are you in Canada for?” Patrice enquired. 

“Just this week,” Scott responded, “I try to get here to visit family when I can, you know, for Nate.”

“Sure,” Patrice smiled, “it’s important.”

“Yeah,” Scott nodded, “it is important.”

“Will Jena be joining you?”

“Not this week,” Scott was aware of his attempt to sound casual, “she’s working away this week.”

“Oh right,” Patrice nodded with a smile. 

“Yeah,” Scott nodded, “she’s in Germany for the week.”

“For work?”

“Yeah,” Scott stroked Nate’s hair as he spoke, “her firm are setting up an office over there and she is going to help with the set up and the new staff.” 

The waitress arrived back at the table with the drinks and the high chair that Scott had requested. 

“Are you ready to order food?” she asked with a smile. 

“Sure,” Scott answered as he took a final glance at the menu, “I’m going to get the burger, please,” Scott ordered, “and can I also get some plain pasta, no sauce, just a little olive oil?”

“Of course,” the waitress smiled as she looked at Nate wriggling off his dad’s lap and towards the high chair. 

“We don’t usually gets kids who are keen to get in the high chair,” the waitress could barely take her eyes off Nate as she spoke. 

“Well, he does enjoy his food,” Scott smiled at Nate, “and pasta is his favourite food at the moment, so he is all wriggles and enthusiasm right now!”

“Pasta!” Nate banged his fists on the table at his dad’s mention of his favourite food.

“And I will have the salmon,” Patrice ordered. 

“I’ll get your food to you as soon as I can,” the waitress smiled as she finished writing the order on her notepad and headed for the kitchen. 

Scott pulled Nate into his body and dropped a kiss into his soft hair. Nate threw his arms around his dad’s neck and returned the kiss. The scene in front of him drew a smile from Patrice as he watched his friend and former pupil looking so happy in the role of father - a role he knew he had been chasing for a long time. 

Scott removed Nate’s coat before putting him into the high chair that the waitress had positioned at the side of the table. He pulled a sippy cup from the backpack and poured the glass of water he had ordered into it before placing it on the chair’s tray table. Nate’s legs kicked in anticipation of his meal. 

“It’s going to be another minute, bud,” Scott informed Nate with a smile as she passed him the colouring he had started along with a crayon. Nate took the crayon gratefully and carried on the colouring.. Scott stroked his son’s hair before taking his seat at the table. 

“He’s really happy kid, Scott,” Patrice smiled as he looked at Nate and then at Scott.

“Thanks,” Scott smiled as he looked at Nate and then back at Patrice, “I think he is, I-”

“He’s happy, Scott,” Patrice soothed with a half laugh, “look at him!”

Scott couldn’t help the wide grin that cracked his face as he turned and looked at Nate busily colouring. 

“I just feel,” Scott sighed heavily, “the responsibility. The magnitude of the responsibility. I see this boy, this child, and he’s growing and learning and turning into a person every day, and what he learns and who he becomes and how he treats people - that’s all on me - on us - and I just want him to be perfect. I don’t want to break him before he’s even a real person.”

“He doesn’t look very broken to me, Scott.”

“No, not now,” Scott agreed, “now he only knows about toys and cuddles and pasta, but at some point he is going to be an adult and making friends and finding relationships and I want him to be able to do that without getting hurt.”

“Scott, gett-.” Patrice tried to interrupt, to ease his friend’s mind, but Scott was already lost in his spiralling thoughts. 

“I want him to be able to communicate with people, to be able to work through things, to know how to show love and be shown love. I want him to be healthy and to know all this stuff, and I need to teach him it. I need him to see how to be good in a relationship.” 

Patrice felt the heaviness of Scott’s words as they left his mouth. He became aware of the hidden depth of Scott’s concerns. The air was lightened by Nate’s clapping his hands and chuckling with happiness. 

“Well, that’s likely to be the best reception I get today,” the waitress smiled as she returned with the food. She placed Scott and Patch’s meals down in front of them before placing Nate’s pasta on his tray table. 

“Is there anything else I can get you?” the waitress smiled. 

“That’s fine, thanks,” Patrice smiled at her. 

“That’s great,” Scott agreed. 

Scott reached over and tested the temperature of the pasta by popping a piece in his mouth, “it’s all good,” he told Nate, letting him know that the pasta was ready for him to eat. Nate lost no time in attacking the pasta with his bare hands. He started shovelling the pasta into his mouth with a wide smile. 

Scott turned to his own food and popped a chip into his mouth before taking the top bun from his burger in order to add some ketchup. 

“You know,” Patrice said as he held a piece of salmon and a green bean on his fork, “the life Nate is going to live isn’t going to be anymore perfect than yours or mine.”

Scott’s mouthful of food prevented him from responding. 

“Life isn’t perfect,” Patrice clarified, “people hurt each other, people fight, people struggle to communicate; that’s the real world.” 

“True,” Scott grinned morosely. 

“If you bring him up never seeing conflict, never hearing an argument or a fight, how will he know what to do when he is in a relationship himself?”

Scott nodded silently as he took in Patrice’s words. 

“I want him to grow up seeing love, knowing what it means to be in a partnership, seeing that it takes work, but that love is worth the work.”

Patrice chewed slowly as he thought about the story that was clearly unravelling in front of him. That he was unsurprised by the marriage issues that Scott was hinting at was enough to tell him that, although he desired to help his friend and to offer advice, he was not in a position to get involved in Scott’s marriage. He was as shocked as everyone else was when Scott and Tessa called off their relationship and Scott married Jena, and he and Marie had made a promise at the time not to interfere. They were both aware of the weight their advice carried and they saw it as their responsibility to take a step back and to allow their pupils to make their own way and to make their own decisions. Giving Scott advice on his marriage - specifically the breakdown of it - did not fall under the rules of their decision. Parenting advice, on the other hand, was something that he could offer advice on. 

“Parenting is a huge responsibility, Scott, you’re right,” Patrice took a sip of his drink as he spoke, “but it’s not a science, and neither is it an art.”

Scott nodded in silence. 

“It’s trial and error,” Patrice informed him, “but most of all it’s just love, and it’s clear to see that this little chap gets plenty of that,” he smiled at Nate as he said his final sentence. 

“He does,” Scott agreed as he popped another chip into his mouth. He wanted to tell Patrice about what was happening between him and Jena. He wanted to tell him that his marriage was falling apart and that he didn’t know how to save it. But he didn’t, he remained silent, dipping his chips in ketchup and feeding them into his mouth. He pushed down the sickness in his stomach, swallowed the wave of fear that threatened to wash him away, and he pushed down the thought that surfaced in the darkness of his bedroom late at night as he lay, eyes wide open, tracing the shadows crawling across the ceiling - that his marriage was falling apart and he wasn’t sure  
he wanted to save it. 

***  
Alma was beaming as she watched Scott pull up onto the drive. She opened the front door and waved towards the car as Scott applied the handbrake. She walked around the car and opened the back door to gain access to her grandson. 

“He’s just woken up,” Scott informed her with a smile from the front seat. 

“Hi sweetie,” Alma smiled at a sleepy Nate as she unbuckled the car seat’s harness, “are you a sleepy head?”

“Pasta,” was all Nate managed to mumble as his grandma lifted him from his car seat and placed a long kiss on his cheek.

“We stopped for lunch in Toronto,” Scott informed his mom with a smile as he unloaded his and Nate’s bags from the car’s trunk. 

“And pasta is still the food of the moment?” Alma asked. 

“Very much so,” Scott replied. 

“Good job I bought plenty from the store, then,” Alma smiled as she carried a slowly waking Nate towards the front door. 

Scott dropped the bags in the hallway before making his way through to the kitchen where he knew his mom would have some freshly baked cookies waiting for him and Nate. 

“Cookies are in the tin,” Alma smiled as she filled the kettle with water. 

Scott lifted the elephant shaped biscuit tin down from the shelf above the microwave, carefully lifted its lid off and reached inside to grab two cookies. 

“Nate,” Scott smiled towards his son, “do you want a cookie?”

“Cookie please,” Nate replied, all signs of sleep gone from his voice. 

“These are grandma’s cookies,” Scott informed his son as he handed him one from the tin. Nate, once in possession of the cookie, toddled across the kitchen and held the biscuit out to Alma. 

“Grandma cookie.”

Scott and Alma laughed with endearment at the young boy’s confusion. 

“Thank you, darling,” was all Alma could bring herself to say, “you’re a good boy.”

“I good boy,” Nate informed his father as he returned to get a cookie for himself. 

“You are a good boy,” Scott smiled as he drew his son in for a hug, “you’re such a good boy,” he repeated as he held Nate to his body for a moment. He really was so lucky to have such a wonderful son, and he hoped that he would be able to do the right thing by him as he and Jena navigated the next part of their relationship together. He hoped, as Patch had said, that he was bringing his son up to understand what love was. 

“Shall we play in the garden?” Alma asked as she held the tray with teas and a drink of juice on.

Years watching her son go through tough relationships and seeing him navigate the minefield of his partnership with Tessa had led her to have a pretty good idea of when her son was struggling, and his phone call telling her he was visiting for the week had been neither a surprise nor difficult to interpret. 

They headed out to the garden where Alma had spread out a rug and some of Nate’s toys on the grass. A small table and two lawn chairs sat next to the rug, and she and Scott made themselves comfortable as they watched Nate dig through a giant box of Lego. 

“It’s nice to have you here for the week,” Alma started gently, testing to see how much information her son was willing to share. 

“Yeah,” Scott smiled in response, “it seemed silly for us to stay around at home with Jena away for the week. You know how much Nate likes spending time here, and I want him to be around his family.”

“It is important,” Alma agreed, “he spent time with Jena’s family last weekend?”

“Yes, he did. He and Jena went to her mom and dad’s for the weekend whilst I was in Montreal at Patrice and Marie’s party.”

“Did you have a good time?”

“It was good,” Scott answered somewhat absently, “it was good to see them.”

“And to see Tess?”

Scott was silenced.

“How di-”

“Kate told me,” Alma informed him plainly, “Jordan told her.”

“Oh,” Scott hadn’t realised that his mom and Kate had been talking again, “it was a bit strange at first,” Scott admitted, “because neither of us knew the other would be there, but we’re adults, we were fine, we had a good time.”

“Good,” Alma didn’t commit to more of a response. The information she had received from Kate was brief, and Kate only knew because Jordan had accidentally let slip. There were no details, and Alma wasn’t fishing for any, she simply wanted to know what was going on in Scott’s head so that she could help him. 

“And Jena was ok with it?”

Silence as Scott sipped his tea slowly.

“She doesn’t know,” Alma answered for him. 

“I didn’t hide it,” Scott was quick to defend himself, “she didn’t give me the chance to tell her. She…,” Scott struggled to sift through the events that unfolded on the evening he had returned home, “...she, she wants some space,” he said with a shrug of the shoulders. 

“Space? What does that mean?”

“Time apart?” Scott’s words were more of a question than a response, “time to think about our relationship.”

“And you?” 

“I think it’s what we need,” Scott admitted, “but,” he inhaled deeply, knowing that he was about to say something that he had only heard in his own mind before, “I think we're in the process of breaking up.” 

Alma left a deliberate pause as she gave Scott time to recover. 

"And how do you feel about that?"

"I don't think I've got as far as feelings yet," Scott was honest, "at the moment it's just all thought. I just want the best for Nate."

"He's your son, of course you want the best for him."

"I think about my childhood and how happy I was. Days out as a family, dinnertime together, skating, hockey, we did everything and you and dad were always there, always a unit. You made me feel safe and happy. When I was small, it never occurred to me to think about relationships; to have to understand adult feelings I wasn't ready for. You and dad were happy, it made me happy. I want that for Nate. I don't want him to have to understand separation and divorce and custody agreements."

"And you think that living in a house with parents who pretend to like each other is going to make him happy?"

Scott focused on his son as he listened to his mother's words.

"You think he'll be happy," Alma tried to keep her voice steady and unemotional, "when he's in a relationship of his own, when he understands the joy of love, and he asks you why his mom and dad are still together even though they can't stand to be in the same room as each other and you tell him that it's because of him; that you lived your life in a loveless marriage because of him - you think that will make him happy, Scott?"

For the first time since his marriage had started to fall apart, Scott felt a tear still in the corner of his eye before falling slowly down his warm cheek. Up until that point his focus had been on Nate; how to fix it to save him from a wretched childhood; how to show him what love really means whilst also breaking his heart. How to explain why he wasn't enough to keep his parents together, but his mom's words stripped away the layers of protection that putting his son first created around Scott's heart, and the tear that ran down his face was for his loss - the loss of his marriage and the woman he loved and all that he'd lost to prove a love that hadn't lasted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Platonic picnic in the park, anyone?


	18. Chapter Eighteen

Scott checked his watch as he grabbed his backpack and the picnic basket that his mom had packed and put into the car’s trunk that morning. He felt a slight twinge in his left arm as he swung the basket at his side: his morning gym session had been the first he’d found time for in a while. He reminded himself that where there was no gain without pain. Quickening his step at the thought of the picnic and that he and Nate were going to enjoy in the park. He reached the door of the building that housed the kids’ club he had dropped Nate off at an hour and a half earlier. Nate had broken into a glorious smile as he toddled inside and saw Ollie bent over a box of cars. They’d been in Canada for a few days, and as great as it was for Nate to spend time with his family, Scott knew it was important for Nate to spend some time playing with children his own age, so he called the number Jordan had given him at the party and booked Nate in for two mornings at the club. He had taken the opportunity to get in a session at the gym - some time to work on his fitness, and some time to run through the thoughts that were lingering in his mind.   
The room that housed the kids’ club smelt of orange juice and baby wipes. Ollie and Nate were engrossed a wooden farmyard puzzle that they had spread across the mat in the corner of the room. Scott stopped for a moment to watch them. They were both picking up the pieces by the small red plastic handles at the centre of each brightly coloured jigsaw piece and turning them around and trying them in the various holes around the board. They had a clear pile of pieces they’d been unsuccessful in finding a slot for and a pile of pieces they were yet to try. Ollie twisted a small duck shaped piece on his fingers before placing it correctly into the duck shaped slot on the wooden board. Nate immediately raised his hand and the boys high-fived. 

“Good job,” OIlie shouted as their palms parted. 

“Good job,” Nate repeated. 

“Hey guys,” Scott knelt down beside his son and his friend. 

“Da,” Nate smiled up at Scott. 

“You go,” Ollie smiled as he held a piece of the jigsaw puzzle out for Scott to take. 

“Thanks,” Scott accepted the piece with a smile, “you guys are good at this,” Scott told the boys as he tried his piece in a few of the holes before slotting it into the correct one.

“Good job,” Ollie smiled at Scott as he placed his palm in the air in front of him. 

“Thanks,” Scott smiled at Ollie. 

Scott watched as the boys continued with the puzzle, working together with a kindness and a friendship that told Scott he and Jena must have got something right with their son. Ollie’s attention was taken away from the demands of the puzzle as the door opened, letting in a blast of grass perfumed air. 

“Bessie,” Ollie waved his arms in the air as his aunt came into the room. 

“Hi,” Tessa’s voice trembled a little with shock as she spoke. 

“You go,” Ollie thrust a piece of the puzzle into Tessa’s hand before either she or Scott had the chance to take a breath and realise what was happening. 

“A puzzle,” Tessa managed to say as she knelt down next to Ollie and turned the puzzle piece over in her hand. She traced the edges with her finger as she looked at the board, making a show of deciding which slot to try the puzzle piece in first. She tried one of the slots she knew to be incorrect before slotting the piece into the correct hole on the board. 

“Good job!” Nate leant over a put his palm out for Tessa to high five. She smiled at him before meeting his palm with hers. 

“Good job!” Ollie offered his palm next and was happy when his aunt met his palm with hers. 

“Good job,” Scott repeated, offering a smile rather than a palm. 

Tessa responded with a smile of her own, it was fleeting and self-conscious, but it was enough to make a chip in the awkwardness between them. 

“I didn’t know you were here,” she busied herself with helping the boys to sort the puzzle pieces as she spoke. 

“I’m visiting my mom,” Scott’s attention was on gathering up the shoes that Nate had kicked off as he played, “Jordan gave me the phone number for this place.”

Tessa nodded in response as she struggled to find words to respond with. Scott felt tiny fingers brush his as Ollie took Nate’s shoes from his hands and attempted to put them on his friend’s feet. Nate, ever the good friend, held his feet out for Ollie. Scott and Tessa couldn’t suppress their giggles as the boys attempted to stuff Nate’s left foot into his right shoe. 

“Let me help, Ol,” Tessa offered as she gently guided Ollie’s hands to Nate’s other foot, “try Nate’s other foot,” she suggested gently. The boys followed Tessa’s advice and worked together to get Nate’s foot into his shoe. 

“Good job,” Nate congratulated Ollie as his foot slid into his shoe. 

“I don’t know where he’s got that from, “ Scott chuckled, “he’s said it a hundred times since I arrived to pick him up.”

“Oh, it’s Ollie’s new favourite phrase,” Tessa informed him, “he’s been saying it all week. I think he heard it on a TV show.”

“That makes sense,” Scott smiled, “they are inseparable once they’re together.”

Scott pulled Nate onto his lap to do the velcro fastenings on his shoes as Tessa put Ollie’s arms into his coat. 

“Ol pasta,” Nate jumped as he spoke to Scott. Scott smiled; his son didn’t need reminding about food - he had remembered the picnic that Scott had promised him as he’d dropped him off that morning. 

“We’re heading into the park for a picnic,” Scott informed Tessa as they both headed towards the door, “would you and Ollie like to join?”

“I...I...er,” Tessa stumbled as she tried to sort through the words in her mind in order to find an answer. 

“Ol pasta,” Nate pulled Ollie towards himself, putting his arm around his friend’s neck. 

“If you’re busy, it’s ok-,” Scott started, aware that he didn’t want Tessa to feel under pressure to say yes to him. 

“No,” Tessa cut him off with what she hoped was a smile, “look at them,” she smiled, “I think they’d like to have lunch together.”

“I think they would,” Scott agreed with a chuckle as he watched the boys trying to carry each other, “great.”

“Great,” Tessa repeated with a nod as they both stood there looking at each other. Both minds were swimming with the surprise of seeing each other in such unfamiliar and unexpected surroundings. For the first time since she had walked into the building, Scott looked at her properly. She was make-up less; the way he’d always loved her most. He noticed the extra lines around her eyes that gave her expression more depth than he’d seen before. She’d changed, it was subtle, it was beneath her skin, but he could see it - feel it - the woman standing in front of him was unfamiliar whilst at the same time being the person whose face he could sketch every inch of with his eyes closed. 

“I know a place,” Scott wasn’t sure whether her voice drifted from a depth as she spoke or whether it was his hearing that had momentarily left him. 

“Sure,” the coolness of the air stung his nostrils as it filled the lungs he’d been unknowingly holding empty, “sure,” he repeated, as he put one foot in front of the other. 

They walked across the park’s grass, Nate and Ollie walking between them. Tessa took them beyond the children’s play area and the picnic tables and down a gravel path that crunched satisfyingly beneath their feet. They passed the tree line that separated the park’s fields from the woodland that skirted its edge. Shafts of sunlight pierced the space in front of them as it shone through the tree’s thick upper leaves. Within a minute they were free of the trees and in a grassy clearing that was hidden from the rest of the park. 

“Jordan and I bring OIlie here sometimes,” Tessa stopped to explain as she saw Scott looking around the space before them, “it’s away from everything.”

Scott didn’t need more of an explanation. He knew how protective Tessa was and, unlike him, she was still someone people would fall over themselves to get a candid snap of. 

“It’s nice,” Scott replied quickly, eager to let her know that he understood and that he was happy to be there, “secluded.”

Scott placed the picnic basket on the grass and pulled out the rug that Alma had draped over the top of the food. He shook it a few times before letting its fabric fall in ripples upon the short grass. Tessa knelt and smoothed it out before sitting cross-legged on the soft material. 

“Ollie,” she called to the little boy who was now busy running around in circles with his friend, “come and take your coat off?”

Ollie tore towards Tessa, his hands already trying to pull down the zipper of his coat. He bounced from one foot to the other as he waited impatiently for Tessa to pull the coat from his arms and give him the permission to get back to his game. 

“Good job,” he yelled in her direction as he took off back towards Nate. 

“I don’t know where they get all their energy from,” Tessa said with wonder as she looked at the toddlers who were now rolling along the grass together. 

“Oh, I know!” Scott laughed as he started to take the food from the basket and pass it to her to undo and lay out on the rug, “sometimes I think he’s never going to stop. I’ve driven him around in the car for hours before trying to get him to sleep.”

“Let me guess,” Tessa smiled as she took the lid from a large tub of pasta, “the minute you pull up onto the drive he’s wide awake again?”

“Yes!” Scott’s laugh was heartier as they started to relax, “that’s exactly it.”

“I once pushed Ollie around the streets in the stroller in the middle of the night just to let Jordan get some sleep.”

“I bet she was glad to have you around.”

“She didn’t have much choice,” Tessa stopped speaking, suddenly aware of the information she had let slip from her lips, “I was living with her,” she cleared her throat as she spoke, willing the lump that had formed in it to disappear, “when Ollie was born,” she recovered with a half truth, “Ted was working away. I moved in.”

The tone of her voice was enough to warn Scott not to prod or pry. 

“I don’t know how many people my mom thought she was feeding,” he hoped his voice was casual and breezy enough to breathe life into the moment 

“There’s a lot of food here,” Tessa’s light tone was one of relief as she felt the conversation reach safer ground. 

“Nate, Ollie,” Scott called across to the boys, “come and eat some food, guys.”

The boys tore towards the rug, both of them just stopping short of landing in the food that was laid out. 

“Pasta,” Nate was breathless from playing, but still managed to ask for his favourite food. Scott took one of the bright plastic plates that Alma had packed into the basket and spooned some of the pasta onto Nate’s plate along with some carrot and cucumber sticks. 

“Ol pasta,”

“Ollie’s having some pasta, too,” Tessa assured Nate as she put pasta and tomato slices onto Ollie’s plate. The boys shuffled closer to each other before Tessa and Scott placed their plates on their laps and watched them attack their food with the same energy they had put into their playing. 

“There’s pasta with sauce,” Scott held out the tub to Tessa, “and some bread,” he offered. 

With their plates full, the adults joined the boys in eating. There was silence for a moment as they were all engrossed in their food. 

“Pasta is Nate’s favourite at the moment,” Scott explained, “he actually asked for it at breakfast today.”

“Breakfast?” Tessa laughed lightly, “carb king.”

“I think I preferred the waffle obsession,” Scott grinned, “at least I looked forward to eating those, too.”

“Pasta not do it for you?”

“Hmm, pasta or waffles” Scott furrowed his brow and lifted both palms into the air as if he were weighing the two foods. 

“Tough choice,” Tessa grinned. 

They turned their attention back to their food, the shared joke making the air between them a little freer. 

“How long are you here for?”

“This week.”

“I bet Alma is happy.”

“She is,” Scott nodded, “she loves spending time with Nate.”

“I think she likes seeing you too, Scott,” Tessa looked up from her food as she spoke and the eye contact between them lasted for as long as they both dared it to. 

“I hope so,” Scott bit down on a cucumber stick.

“When has your mom not been pleased to see you!”

“No, I know,” Scott laughed at his own comment, “she’s great. She’s a great support.”

"I'm sorry if the weekend was a bit weird," Tessa's voice showed a vulnerability that came with discussing what had happened during the party, "people kept making jokes and-"

"There were some awkward moments, weren't there?" Scott's laughter thawed the ice a little more, helping to create some warmth between them. 

“Trennt sure knows how to put his foot in it,” Tessa joined him in his laughter. 

The sun was kind to them as they finished their food beneath its warm rays. Tessa and Scott showered the boys with praise for their eating and their good manners. There was a calmness in their secret space beyond the trees that allowed the barriers and barbs between them to lower a little. Their laughter was freer and, like happened in Kate’s bathroom after the fair, the walls of reality closed in protectively around them and created a world that was just theirs. In the boys’ company everything between them seemed to become easier, less awkward and the air vibrated with a carefree attitude. Scott thought that perhaps it was the boys’ innocence and the sense of fearless wonder with which they still approached the world around them that created such a liberating atmosphere.. They were yet to write the stories of their lives, to fill their pages with the trials and triumphs of what it was to be human. To them, the world was still jigsaws and cookies and cuddles. Their innocence and playfulness numbed the wounds that Tessa and Scott had given each other and helped them to begin the process of fading to scars. Scott wondered at what point that innocence was lost- when the story changed and the chapters became harder to read. The pages of his own life leafed through his mind - when had his innocence disappeared? When had he stopped being fearless? He wondered whether it had been the day a green eyed girl had skated into his mom’s summer camp. He looked across the picnic rug and watched her wiping Nate and Ollie’s hands with a baby wipe before placing a kiss on each of their noses. She hadn’t been the one who’d taken his innocence; she was the one who’d protected it when he’d treated it with abandon and carelessness. He wondered in which chapter it had really gone wrong; where they’d chosen the wrong road to travel and left each other battered and bruised and irreversibly lost. He knew as well as anyone that history could not be rewritten; that their narrative was etched in the volumes of joy and pain that they’d spent over half of their lives writing together. 

“Da ball,” Nate’s lunchtime restfulness was short-lived as he bounced in front of his dad asking him to play ball with him. 

“Sure,” the park’s greenery came back into focus as Scott surfaced from the depths of his thoughts and got to his feet. He reached into the back pack and produced a soft soccer ball. 

“Me kick,” Nate jumped in excitement as he saw the ball emerge from the bag. Scott smiled at his son’s enthusiasm. There was very little that failed to get Nate excited, but for soccer he reserved a deep excitement and joy. 

Scott led the boys away from the rug and food that Tessa was packing back into its boxes and placing into the basket. He set the ball on the floor and explained that the boys needed to kick it as far as they could. 

“Me kick,” Nate almost fell over with excitement as his dad placed the ball on the floor. 

“Ok, Nate,” Scott called as he stilled the ball on the grass and lined it up for his son, “let’s see your best kick.”

Nate ran towards the ball, swerving as his little legs attempted to move as quickly as he willed them to, he stopped still at the ball before pulling his foot back and connecting with it. The ball rolled less than a metre from his foot. 

“Good job!” Ollie yelled. 

“Good job, Nate,” Tessa called from the rug as she tried to suppress a giggle. 

“He doesn’t quite get the whole run up thing,” Scott joined Tessa in her giggle as he looked over at her, “he can run and he can kick the ball, but putting the two together is something he needs to work on!”

“He’s so cute,” Tessa smiled. 

“Me kick,” Ollie held the ball out to Scott so that he could place it for him. Scott stilled the ball on the grass before giving Ollie the go ahead to run and kick the ball. In the same way that Nate had, Ollie ran towards the ball, stopped and then kicked it. 

Tessa and Scott laughed harder and OIlie and Nate ran around yelling ‘good job’ at the top of their lungs. 

“Da kick,” Nate instructed as he placed the ball on the floor for his dad, copying what Scott had done for him. 

“Ok, my turn,” Scott bounced to his feet and gave himself some space for a run up. He made an elaborate show of running on the spot before running forward and kicking the ball. He kicked it hard enough to make it soar through the air and land near the trunk of a nearby tree. The boys screamed with delight as they went to retrieve the ball. 

“Bessie kick,” Ollie shouted breathlessly as he and Nate returned with the ball. Tessa got to her feet with a smile as she readied herself for her turn. She made a show of warming and stretching which went over the boys’ head put drew a chuckle from Scott. 

“Ever the professional,” he raised his eyebrows. 

“You know it, Moir,” she threw back at him with a grin. 

“Ok boys,” she shouted towards Nate and Ollie, “put it down for me.”

Nate and Ollie positioned the ball on the floor and stilled it. Tessa limbered up a little more before copying Scott’s preparatory jog and then running towards the ball. Her uncoordinated and clumsy kick made Scott howl with laughter as the ball flew through the air and landed in the lower branches of the tree. 

“Oops,” Tessa managed to find the breath to say as she was bent double with laughter. 

“Glad we didn’t decide to make a career of playing soccer, T,” Scott laughed. 

Strangely, Tessa’s kick did not get a ‘good job’ from the boys. 

“Gone,” Nate held out his palms to show that they were empty. 

“Oh no,” Scott copied Nate’s gesture, “where’s it gone?” he asked his son with a smile. 

“Tree,” Ollie answered for Nate as he pointed to the ball that was nestled in the lower branches of the tree.

“Let’s see what we can do,” Scott led Tess and the boys over to the tree and the three of them looked up at the ball. 

“Da kick,” Nate offered the only solution he could think of - or articiulate!

“I don’t think I can kick it from here, bud,” Scott informed his son with a smile. 

“We could throw sticks at it,” Tessa suggested as she picked up a twig from the grass beneath her feet and threw it at the ball. It made contact with the ball and bounced pathetically off it before falling back to the floor, “or not,” she grinned.

“Don’t think the sticks are going to cut it,” Scott grinned back.

“You’ll have to climb the tree,” Tessa informed him with a smile. 

“Will I?” Scott’s eyebrows arched, “why me?”

“Because I’ve never climbed a tree in my life!”

“Well, that’s a lie!”

“How is it?”

“I distinctly remember you climbing a tree at one of Buttle’s parties.”

“You lifted me into it,” Tessa smiled at him, “and left me there!”

“Only for a minute!”

“You only got me out because Jeff said the Stars on Ice insurance wouldn’t cover me falling out of it!”

“He was having a fit, remember?” Scott laughed with his eyes, his face illuminated with happiness. 

“Get her out of that tree, Moir,” Tessa did her best Jeffery Buttle impression and sent Scott into a fit of giggles. 

“Give me more groin, Eric,” Scott impersonated Jeff telling Eric to throw himself into his ‘Shape of You’ choreography. 

“Come on,” Scott beckoned to her, “I’ll lift you up to get it - Jeff’s not here to tell us we can’t.”

“You can’t lift me into a tree!” Tessa scanned their surroundings for the first time since they’d arrived for their picnic. 

“Why?” Scott’s question was genuine and ran deeper than he realised. 

“Well…,” Tessa struggled to find an answer. 

“I spent half my life lifting you, Tess, I think I can manage to lift you up to that ball.”

Tessa considered his argument - it was flawless, she had to give him that. Whatever might have stopped her in that moment; the anticipation of his hands on her, a line crossed, the past’s breath frosting the clarity of her present, she didn’t stop to allow it be acknowledged as she moved towards him and took her position in front of him. Their movements were seamless choreography that comes only from a shared muscle memory. An understanding deeper than words or training or even years of therapy; an understanding knitted into the fibres of being that transcend skill or learning and which can be born of a fusion love, trust and respect. 

“Ready?”

“Yehp.”

Scott put his hands on her hips and thrust her effortlessly upwards and towards the ball. For a second the world fell away and she was back in Ilderton arena, the cold chill of the air that carried the pungent smell of wet socks as vivid as it was the first day he’d lifted her. His small fingers dug into her skin, his first promise to her that he would never drop her, never let her fall from his grip; a promise he’d kept for twenty two years...on the ice. 

“Can you reach it?”

Tessa looked up at the ball and saw that it was easily within her reach. She stretched her left hand towards it and plucked it from the tree before throwing it down towards the boys and watching them chase gleefully after it. Scott brought her gently back down to the ground, his hands guiding her body, first at her hips and then at the sides of her torso. She slid gracefully through his arms and found her feet on the ground and her body milimetres from his. The moment softened further as both silently inhaled the other and briefly closed their eyes, each powerless against the smell of home. 

Tessa swallowed deeply before pulling herself away from the situation and putting daylight between them. 

“Still the dream team,” Scott’s words were designed to break any tension between them, but he found them unexpectedly unnecessary as the awkwardness that they were both braced for never arrived. 

“Da, horsie,” Nate was clinging to Scott’s leg as he tried to pull him to the ground. 

“Where do you get all of this energy from, Nate?” Scott smiled a wide-eyed smile of wonder at his son. 

“I’m guessing the pasta has something to do with it,” Tessa smiled. 

“I thought carbs were meant to be coma inducing!”

“Not when you’re two!”

“Horsie,” Nate repeated as he pulled at Scott’s trouser leg. 

“Ok, ok,” Scott smiled as he got to his knees and Nate proceeded to attempt to crawl up and onto his back. 

“Ol, horsie,” Nate squealed over at his friend. 

Ollie toddled over towards Scott and Nate to see what the commotion was about. 

“This is one of Nate’s favourite games,” Scott explained to Ollie, “I get the privilege of being a horsie and King Nate sits up there on his throne,” Scott’s sarcastic tone made Tessa laugh as she watched Ollie trying to understand this new game that Nate had called him to play. Scott, knowing that the best way to teach a two year old anything was to show them, proceeded to crawl along the grass with Nate bouncing wildly on his back. He did a lap of the picnic rug before arriving back at Ollie and Tessa’s side. 

“Me horsie,” Ollie asked excitedly once he understood the game. 

“Can Ollie have a go, Nate?” Scott asked. 

Nate willingly climbed down from Scott’s back in order let Ollie have a go at his favourite game. He knelt next to Tessa, one hand on her shoulder to support himself as he pivoted to follow his dad and his friend as they did a lap of the rug. 

“Me horsie,” Nate declared as soon as Scott arrived back. 

“Let’s see if we can get you both on,” Scott suggested as he reached behind his head and encouraged Ollie to shuffle closer to his shoulders. 

“Here, Ol, shuffle up a bit,” Tessa guided her nephew carefully before turning and picking Nate up and lifting him towards Scott’s back, “are you on Nate?” she asked the young boy as she steadied and settled him, “hold on to Ollie,” she directed as she took Nate’s hand and guided it towards the material of Ollie’s sweater. Nate clutched the material in his fists and he laughed with delight. Tessa bent down on the grass and came face to face with Scott, “ok there, Shergar?” she grinned. 

Scott let out a loud string of neighs that sent Tessa into a fit of the giggles. 

“Ok, kings,” she informed the boys, “your chariot awaits.”

Scott neighed again, causing the boys to rock with laughter as the vibrations rippled through his back. He completed several laps with them on his back before announcing that the horsie needed to go to bed. The disappointment at the horse’s departure was short lived once the distraction of Alma’s homemade cookies was presented. They all sat on the rug once more and Nate took on the role of hostess as he gave out his grandma’s cookies. He took one from the box he was holding and handed it to Ollie who was sat waiting patiently with a look of happy exhaustion on his face. He reached out and placed a cookie in his dad’s palm before shuffling over to Tessa. 

“Bessie cookie,” he said as he held a cookie out to her. 

“Oh no,” Scott smiled as his heart swelled in his chest, “it’s catching.”

Tessa smiled as she took the cookie from Nate, “he started calling me it and I think everyone thinks it’s so cute that we’re in no rush to correct him.”

After reaching in to the tub and grabbing himself a cookie, Nate crawled into Tessa’s lap and settled against her. 

Scott felt his swollen heart miss a beat as they settled down together and Tessa pushed a whisp of hair from Nate’s forehead. He was taken back to the picnic they’d shared beneath the towering wheat in the fields behind Scott’s house during one of their visits home from Canton. They were excited to be spending time with their families, but they hadn’t anticipated the strange difference they’d feel back at home. Canton was tough, home was different and their world was becomingly increasingly scary as talk of competitions and medals and records rang through their dreams. For each of them the other was familiarity, safety and understanding. They sat in the dying heat of the summer and drank wine that Scott had smuggled from his parent’s basement. He could smell the sweetness of the wine on her breath as she hiccuped with laughter as he impersonated the girls from the rink who spent their time coming up with evermore inventive cruelties to mutter beneath their breath in the changing room and across the rink’s boards. He looked over at the strong, confident woman who was holding his son in her arms and he realised that they were pulling in different directions once again, just as they had through so many of their years together. Whilst she was moving into the future with a girlfriend, a foundation she’d built with her own hands and a self-confidence he’d never seen in her before, he was being pulled into the past by a tide that tightened its grip on him with each moment he spent with her. He watched as Nate dozed off and Tessa gently removed the biscuit from his hand and brushed away the crumbs that clung to his fingers. Nate murmured as he curled his body against Tessa’s and buried his head in her neck. 

“Finally defeated,” Scott’s voice left his mouth as a whisper not because he was fearful of waking his sleeping son, but because anything more would have betrayed the feelings that were running through his veins. 

Tessa looked down at Nate with a smile before pulling him closer. 

“Looks like Ollie is about to drop too,” Scott observed as he looked over at Ollie who was staring into the distance and tracing lazy circles on the rug with his index finger. 

“Are you ready for a nap, Ol?” Tessa said softly. 

Ollie stared at her for a moment before nodding tiredly.

“I’ll get this packed up and we can head back to the car,” Scott said as he packed away what was left of the food and toys. Tessa, still holding Nate tightly, got to her feet and found Ollie’s coat. Scott packed away the rug before helping Ollie into his coat, pulling the backpack onto his back and scooping Ollie up into his arms. 

“Can you manage the basket?” he asked Tessa as he held it out towards her. 

Laden with sleeping children, a bag of supplies and the remnants of the picnic, they headed back through the park and towards their waiting cars. The route across the park seemed shorter than it had a few hours before and Scott was suddenly aware of the fact he wished it would wind and stretch out in front of them so that he could savour the feeling of the afternoon’s warmth on his back and the sound of Tessa’s footsteps crunching on the gravel beside him. They left the laughter of the children’s play area behind them as they headed out through the park’s archway and into the parking lot. 

“This is us,” Scott informed Tessa as they stood in front of the hire car and he grabbed for his back pocket and the car’s key; a task that was made difficult by the sleeping toddler in his arms and the backpack on his back. 

“Here,” Tessa shifted Nate slightly in her arms in order to free her hand to reach into the back pocket of Scott’s jeans and secure the key. She felt the warmth of his body against her fingers and she slid her hand into the tight pocket and pushed them into its depths. If either of them felt the ignition at her fingertips, neither of them acknowledged it. 

“Cheers,” Scott smiled as he took the key, his fingers brushing hers gently as the warm metal passed across their palms. He pushed the button and the locks freed themselves with a satisfying crunch. Scott pushed Ollie further onto his shoulder as he bent down to open the back door and Tessa lowered Nate gently into his seat. Scott was struck by the fluidity and confidence of her movement - it was natural and instinctive. 

“He’ll be asleep for hours now,” Scott smiled as he watched Tessa rest Nate’s head gently against the car seat’s headrest. 

“He looks so peaceful,” Tessa smiled before she secured the chair’s straps around Nate and buckled them gently. 

“He does,” Scott agreed with a smile as he looked at his son’s relaxed face and body before Tessa gently closed the door. 

“And I think Jordan will be expecting this sleeping beauty back,” Scott passed Ollie into Tessa’s arms where he murmured slightly before resting and falling back into a deep sleep. 

“I think they enjoyed themselves today,” Tessa smiled as she cuddled OIlie. 

“They did,” Scott smiled in return, “I did too.”

“Me too.”

“Good.”

“Good.”

The first awkward moment of the afternoon fell over them as they stood nodding their heads in agreement at the fun they’d shared in the park. It was an awkwardness that filled the space where the words that refused to free themselves from the depths of their broken and fearful hearts should have been. 

“What do you have planned for the rest of your time here?”

“Well, I promised my dad I would help him in the garden tomorrow morning - which will give my mom some time with Nate, which they both enjoy. And then I have Nate booked in here again tomorrow afternoon, so a chance for another gym session.”

“Ollie is booked in tomorrow afternoon, too. Jordan has a big case at the moment so Mom and I are looking after him most days and he loves it here - even more so now that Nate is here. I said I’d pick him up and drop him off tomorrow because my mom is meeting up with a friend.”

“Well, if you don’t have anything planned,” Scott attempted to sound as casual as he could, “we could grab a coffee, perhaps. You know, if you’re not busy. I’m sure you already have something planned and-”

“Coffee would be great,” Tessa put him out of his obvious misery, “see you here tomorrow afternoon.”

“See you here tomorrow afternoon.”

They smiled at each other before offering each other a last goodbye and heading to their cars and out of the car park and back to their separate lives. 

***

Scott watched the light of Nate’s mobile dance across the dark ceiling as he lay beneath the covers of his single bed. He watched as the specks of light danced through the darkness in perfect synchronicity. He watched as their pre-programmed route around and through each other repeated endlessly, every move predicable, every performance the same; certainty and confidence and safety. He turned on his side and took a deep breath as he wished his eyes to close and let go of the day. Perhaps their reluctance was due to the fact that he did not want to leave the feeling that had sat warming his chest all evening. It was the fire of happiness which had been lit and stoked by the afternoon he had spent in the park with Tessa and the boys. The carefree hours they’d spent beyond the trees made the past disappear and they numbed the pain and he liked how it felt. Or perhaps the reluctance was due to the fact that he knew that the dreams that would play beneath his eyelids once they were closed would give him everything he’d ever wanted, and that when he woke the next morning the feeling of happiness would be replaced with a feeling and sadness as he mourned the loss of all he had ever desired. A desire that, in the end, had driven the love of his life away and sent him into the arms of a woman whose love was never going to be enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do you take your coffee?


	19. Chapter Nineteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to post chapters nineteen and twenty at the the same time. However, I am aware of how long I have kept you all waiting. So, here is chapter nineteen to tide you over until chapter twenty is complete. Sorry - you'll have to wait just that little bit longer for the coffee meeting we're all excited for. I hope this sets it up nicely.

“Are you ok? Tess, here, let me help you. Just hang on,” Ava pulled a chair across the kitchen and positioned it beneath Tessa as she held her by the shoulders, “just sit down slowly. I’ll get you some water.”

Tessa allowed herself to be directed into the chair. 

“Are you sure you’re ok,” Ava continued, “do you have a fever,” Ava put the back of her hand to Tessa’s forehead.”

“Very funny,” Tessa rolled her eyes as she smirked. 

“It’s just, I’ve never seen you out of bed at this hour,” Ava feigned more concern as she smiled at her girlfriend, “I assumed it must be a matter of life and death.”

“It will be if there’s no coffee in the pot,” Tessa smiled up at Ava. 

“Fighting talk,” Ava’s eyebrows arched as she stepped over the side of the chair and straddled Tessa’s lap, “and if there isn’t any coffee?” Ava asked as she lent her forearms on Tessa’s shoulders and joined her hands behind her head. 

“Then,” Tessa smiled as she struggled to think of a reply 

“Then?” Ava asked, “come on, Virtue, what’s this? All talk and no action?”

“Booty calls clearly muddle my brain,” Tessa raised her own eyebrows in response. 

“Didn’t hear you complaining last night,” Ava whispered as she leant in closer and nibbled at the soft skin of Tessa shoulder that was exposed. She loved Tessa like this - messy in the early morning. It was as if, sitting in the kitchen with tousled hair and wearing nothing but a faded t-shirt, she was getting something the rest of the world never got to see. There was something about Tessa that drove Ava to want a part of her that no one else knew about . She put it down to dating someone who was in the public eye - it was tough watching the world have a claim on her when they knew nothing about her, not really, not the real Tess, the woman she had travelled through the night to be with because lying in bed without her was starting to leave her feeling empty. 

“There was definitely no complaining on my end,” Tessa assured Ava as she slid her hands along her thighs and let her hands settle on her hips, “I’m sorry I haven’t been into the city this week.”

“You’ve been busy helping Jordan and your mom with Ollie,” Ava smiled in reassurance, “and I know they really appreciate it. I have to work this weekend and I wanted to see you.”

“I’m glad you came over,” Tessa’s words were lost to Ava’s mouth as she showed her appreciation. 

“Me too,” Ava responded as she left a kiss on Tessa’s lips before pulling away and leaving her to get them coffee. 

They had a few minutes to curl on the sofa together before Ava had to leave for work. They made the most of the last time they would see each other for a few days.

“What do you have planned for today?”

“I have a session with Gloria,” Tessa replied, “and then I am taking Ollie to kids’ club.”

“Is it your first session with Gloria this week?” 

“Yeah, I haven’t had one since the party, so it will be good to see her.”

“Sure,” Ava stroked Tessa’s hair as she looked down at her where she lay with her head on her lap, “you’re making great progress. I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks,” Tessa felt something shift behind her mind, but the movement was subtle and left unacknowledged by a mind that was preparing, unbeknownst its owner, to become a barbed and cratered battle ground. Seeds of thorned iron were slowly falling into its fertile surface and by the time they were discovered they would be tangled and in full bloom. 

“I should go,” the tone of Ava’s voice made it clear that she wanted to do anything but leave the perfection of the early morning and the warmth of the relationship she never thought would become a reality. 

Tessa watched Ava get her bag and coat and head for the door. She stopped her in her tracks and she went to leave. 

“Let’s go away again soon,” Tessa’s enthusiasm and excitement were a little out of step with the serenity of the scene, “we said we’d go away for the weekend soon.”

“We did,” Ava smiled, “I have to work this weekend, but next weekend, let’s plan something.”

“Yeah,” Tessa’s smile was wide as she heard Ava’s excitement, “I’ll have a look. Make some plans?”

“That would be great,” Ava left a final kiss on Tessa’s lips before she opened the front door and headed out into the morning. 

As Tessa shut the door behind her she felt the silent space of the house seal around her. She headed to the kitchen and turned the radio to max before pouring herself another cup of coffee.

***  
“We haven’t met since the party at Marie and Patrice’s,” Gloria smiled across at Tessa. 

“No,” Tessa nodded, “we haven’t.”

“How was it?”

Tessa inhaled before speaking, “not exactly what I expected,” she said truthfully, “Scott was there.”

“I see,” Gloria nodded showing no reaction to the information she was given, “and how was that?”

Tessa stilled for a moment as she considered how to best summarise the weekend. “It was,” she traced the pad of her finger with her thumb nail as she thought, “it was awkward at points, but not as bad as I would have imagined it to be had you asked me about it before I went.”

“So you were surprised by how easy it was to be at the same social event as him?”

“I was,” Tessa nodded, “there were awkward moments, but really they were created by other people, not by the two of us.”

“How did other people create awkwardness?”

“They just made comments about the past,” Tessa explained, “they weren’t doing it on purpose, it was just the situation and the people there.”

“That must have been tough,” Gloria validated Tessa’s feelings.

“It was,” Tessa agreed, “but that wasn’t really tough. It was more the confusion of having him and Ava there at the same time.”

Gloria nodded her head to show that she understood what Tessa was saying. 

“I felt like,” Tessa looked to the ceiling as she tried to articulate how she now realised she had been feeling, “it felt like two worlds, I suppose.”

“It felt like two different parts of your life coming together in one place.”

“Like two different parts of my life,” Tessa repeated, although her words lacked some conviction as her brow furrowed and she looked down at her hands as she turned them over in her lap “like the past and the present at the same time,” she explained. 

“You felt two worlds collide.”

“I felt two versions of me collide.”

Gloria left the space for silence as Tessa said the words aloud. 

“Two versions of me,” she repeated again as she searched the chair’s floral design for clarity, “the person I used to be and the person I am now.”

Gloria nodded slowly in order to let Tessa know that she was listening. 

“And yesterday,” Tessa’s voice was far beneath the surface of the conversation she and Gloria were having, “yesterday I think….I was the old and the new...another new...or another old...or,” she stopped speaking as she tried to connect with how she had felt in the park the previous day. 

“Yesterday you spent time with Scott?” Gloria tried to fill in the gaps that Tessa was leaving. 

“We went to the park,” Tessa explained, “with Ollie and Nate, Scott’s son.”

“How was that?”

“It was,” Tessa closed her eyes as her thoughts started to beat against the inside of her skull, “it wasn’t planned,” was all she could explain, “it was kids’ club. We went out afterwards.”

“Another unplanned meeting,” Gloria’s voice was soft and guiding. 

“Unplanned, yes.”

“And was it awkward?”

Tessa’s world stopped spinning for a second and the clouds of her confusion parted for a moment, “there were moments,” she nodded, “but most of it, most of the time, it was... it was...it was...I don’t know, it was easy, yeah, that’s it, it was easy.”

“Just the two of you and the children.”

“Yeah, just us,” Tessa started to come to life again, “with the boys there it was just joyful and light and easy. They couldn’t make comments and they didn’t pick up on any emotion or anything. Our attention was really on them and it made the time pass quickly and cleared the air a little.”

“Children can be great social lubricant,” Gloria smiled.

“They can,” Tessa smiled back, “it was a nice afternoon,” she smiled, “it was different to the party. It was easier.”

“It was a nice afternoon spent feeling relaxed.”

“Yeah, that’s it,” Tessa found herself comfortable in her chair again, “there was something much more natural than the weekend. I didn’t feel like I had to split myself.”

“That sounds positive,” Gloria noticed Tessa’s body relax as she reached a conclusion about her thoughts. 

Tessa sat back and allowed Gloria’s words to filter into her mind. They floated around amongst the jumble of thoughts that she had in relation to Scott. At first they settled gently into the calm happiness of the park the previous afternoon. They were warmed by the same rays that had bathed the afternoon and their hearts in freedom and tranquility, and then in the next second they grated against the hard edged self-protection that she had worked hard to erect in order to fortify herself. 

“No,” the word stabbed at the air with its sharpened edge, “no,” she repeated as the blade glistened, “I agreed to go with him because the boys like spending time together and I told myself that I could spend time with him for their sake. That I could sit and make small talk and play with the boys and keep the distance that I need from him, and I didn’t. I didn’t. I let myself be sucked back in again. One afternoon and I let myself go backwards. Everything I’ve done. Everything I’ve put my mom and Jordan and myself through and I just fell into him in one afternoon. How could I have been so weak?”

Gloria took a silent breath as she worked to make sure that she showed no reaction to the anger and annoyance Tessa showed towards herself. 

“That’s a lot to be cross about.”

“I can’t believe I didn’t see it before,” Tessa shook her head at her own stupidity.

“What stopped you?”

“From seeing it?”

“Yes.”

“The feeling I suppose,” Tessa shook her head as she spoke, “the feeling of, just...the feeling I had yesterday. It felt good and I let my guard down.”

“You let down that protection you put around yourself after he hurt you.”

“Yes, exactly,” Tessa confirmed, “I spent time making sure that I was protected from him. From the hurt he can cause me and yesterday I let that guard down and now I just feel annoyed at myself for being so weak.”

“That guard was protecting you from the hurt.”

“The hurt he can cause.”

“He’s a dangerous person.”

“To me.”

“Dangerous to you.”

“To my heart.”

“A danger to your heart.”

“Yes, that’s it,” Tessa nodded, “I have to protect my heart from him.”

“What could he do to it?”

“Break it,” Tessa’s reply was instantaneous. 

“He could break your heart?”

“Yes,” Tessa confirmed, “like he did last time.”

“Last time when you were a couple?” Gloria’s question was not for her own understanding, but rather to encourage Tessa to think about the situation she and Scott found themselves in. 

“Exactly,” Tessa replied. She turned the ring on her right hand gently as her thoughts lowered her head, “we’re not in a relationship now, I know, but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen again.”

“You’ve got no guarantee.”

“No, I haven’t,” Tessa shook her head as she spoke, “I can’t guarantee anything where he is concerned. I can’t know what he is thinking and what his intentions are.”

“You can’t control him.”

“No, and I don’t want to. I’ve never tried to control him.”

“No one can control another person.”

“Well, no, the only thing we can control is ourselves.”

“Our own thoughts?”

“And our own reactions,” Tessa confirmed, “you know, how we react to things.”

“People can act and we can perceive their actions, but it’s how we react to them that we really have control over. That’s what I think you’re saying.”

“That’s exactly what I am saying. Scott can act, he can say and he can do things, but it’s only me who can make those things real through how I react to them.”

Tessa was silent for a moment as she listened to her own words, “and so I suppose in that way he can’t really get past the guard I have put up,” she concluded, “...unless I let him.”

Gloria was motionless and silent as she watched understanding dawn on Tessa’s face. It wasn’t an understanding that was forced or planted by Gloria, just one that she had helped Tessa to pull to the surface. 

“I suppose, really, I am always in control when you look at it like that,” Tessa concluded, “I suppose it is up to me how far I let him get past the guard I have put up.”

“You’re the one in control of you.”

“I can’t control him.”

“Would you want to?”

“Of course not,” Tessa’ response was simple and assured, “I wouldn’t ever want to control another human being because then the relationship wouldn’t be authentic. Plus, you would have to be a strong person preying on a weaker person in order to do that, and that is just cruel and unjust. That would make you a horrible person.”

“I think it would too. And I don’t think for a second that you’re that type of person.”

Tessa felt her eyes burn with the tiredness their conversation had caused. She felt drained but at the same time clear and centered. 

“I’ve arranged to meet him today,” her voice had the tone of confession. 

“With the boys?”

“Alone.”

Tessa’s silence screamed through the room as the single word left her mouth. 

“And you’ll be in control of yourself?”

“I will,” Tessa replied, “I will try to be. I mean, I know now, I realise now.”

“You sound strong.”

Tessa inhaled deeply and held the breath at the centre of her chest for a moment, “I lied,” she said as she exhaled, letting her admission out quickly, “to Ava,” she clarified, “I lied.”

“About meeting Scott?”

“Yeah,” Tessa nodded.

“This morning when she was at mine I didn’t tell her. I had the chance and I didn’t tell her.”

“Did she ask?”

“No,” Tessa sighed, “but let’s not pretend that omission is any different to telling a lie.”

Gloria nodded as she watched Tessa pull herself into the depths of her own self-negativity once more.

“I withheld it from her. I did it knowingly.”

“Why did you withhold it?”

“She turned up last night, unexpectedly,” Tessa started the narrative that would help her explore her thoughts, “it was really nice I felt like she needed me, wanted me.”

Gloria nodded as she connected with Tessa’s experience of herself. 

“It was nice to wake up with her. We aren't going to see each other much over the next couple of days and it was nice to have that time with her. This morning, before she left, it was nice, things are going well with her.”

“You talk very positively about her.”

“She is such a positive thing in my life,” Tessa nodded thoughtfully, “I am grateful for her and I don’t want to hurt her.”

“How do you imagine hurting her?”

“By spending time with Scott.”

“Why would that hurt her?”

“Because I am meant to be with her and not him.”

“What do you mean by meant to be?”

“That he has hurt me and left me and broken me and she loves me and cares for me and makes me feel good and by picking him I’m devaluing what she is giving me.”

Gloria let the silence hang for a moment.

“Picking him?”

Tessa was struck silent. 

“Can you explain what you mean by ‘picking him’?” Gloria was gentle and kind. 

Tessa felt tears of confusion starting to form in her eyes, “I suppose,” she began slowly, “I mean that by spending time with him, that, well, I am making choice to spend time with him, willingly and he is not my partner - Ava is.”

“Is your relationship with Scott different to your relationship with Ava?”

“Of course,” Tessa rubbed her face with frustration, “of course it’s different. Scott doesn’t love me, he doesn’t arrive at my house in the middle of the night because he misses me, he doesn’t kiss me good morning or make me coffee or sit through a party with my ex with a flawless and unfaltering smile.”

Gloria gave Tessa space to think and to breathe as she decided whether it was a safe time to comment on the fact that Tessa had not answered the question she had asked her. She watched as the frustration of not being able to see the blind spot she had when it came to Scott ran through Tessa’s mind and body. She saw the conflict colour her skin as it ran through her veins.

“You have different relationships with them,” Gloria probed carefully. 

“Yes,” Tessa agreed. 

“Why’s that?”

“Well,” Tessa was struck by the simplicity of the question, “because Ava is my partner and Scott isn’t.”

Gloria knew that the silence she left said more than any words could. 

“Does Ava know that?”

“Of course,” Tessa furrowed her brow as she spoke, “she knows and she’s amazing. She was amazing at the party. She is confident and secure in herself and she doesn’t see Scott as a threat.”

“Do you?”

“See Scott as a threat?”

“Yes,” Gloria clarified. 

“To my relationship?” Tessa’s question was more to aid her own clarity than to draw a response from Gloria. She allowed the question to settle in her mind, to swim through her thoughts and the folds of grey matter that held a history she didn’t want to relive, “I want to say no,” she said finally, “but,” she tried to grab at the threads of her unravelling thoughts, “but it’s as if what he did in the past is a threat. I don’t think I...I don’t think I...I don’t...I...I don’t know him,” she said simply and finally. 

“He’s changed.”

“I’ve changed.”

“You’ve grown.”

“Hmm,” Tessa considered the concept, “I don’t know how to be with him,” she said as clarity dawned, “on my own,” she said her thoughts aloud, “there was a moment on the balcony at the party, just the two of us, there was a second and I don’t know what it meant.”

“It confused you?”

“Not at the time,” Tessa nodded as she started to find some understanding, “I don’t know how to be with him on my own because when we are alone we are not the same anymore. Before,” her words came faster as the light of understanding dawned, “when we were together we had a purpose- skating, winning, improving, producing the tour, skating. Even when we weren’t together the feeling was clear cut - he’d hurt me and I wanted to avoid him; I didn’t want him in my life - that was simple. But now, I don’t know what we are and I don’t know how to be with him.”

“Are you friends?”

“We were.”

“But not now?”

“We’re not, not friends.”

“You’re not enemies?”

“No,” Tessa said with surety, “because, like we’ve said before; if he is the enemy and the cause and the reason for my unhappiness and suffering then that means that I need him to move on and to heal.”

“You have been really clear on that in the past,” Gloria agreed, “forgiveness has empowered you.”

“It has,” Tessa nodded as she spoke, “I think it took me a long time to get to that point, but I had to because I knew it was what I needed to move on. I had to own my suffering regardless of how it was inflicted.”

“And you have moved on,” Gloria assured her. 

“I suppose I just need to work out what this new relationship is between us,” Tessa concluded, “I need to work out what role he plays in my life now.”

“And to be comfortable with the thought of working that out.”

“Absolutely,” Tessa agreed, “I need to step back from what I think it should be or what it has been in the past and allow myself to be shown.”

“Your relationship hasn’t really been defined in the past,” Gloria reminded her. 

“That’s true,” Tessa nodded, “and really, it has been at its best when it was like that.”

Gloria waited for Tessa to finish the thought: that it was Scott’s need to define it and to put a name to it through marriage that had driven Tessa away. She waited, but it didn’t come and she knew that it was not the right time to push it.

“You’re in control,” Gloria reminded her of what she had said earlier in the session. 

“I am in control of myself,” Tessa agreed, “I need to remember that. Today, when I meet him I need to remember that I only react in the way I allow myself to.”

“How long will you spend together?” 

“Perhaps an hour and a half, two hours,” Tessa informed her, “ and I am going to do my best to stay present and mindful and not allow myself to be controlled by my emotions.”

“That sounds like a healthy approach.”

“It does, doesn’t it?”

“I think you’re more than strong enough to approach this in the way you want to.”

“I feel stronger now that we have spoken about it, thank you.”

Gloria smiled kindly, “thank yourself, Tess - you’re doing the hard work here.”

Tessa smiled at the comment, “can we meet later in the week?”

“Of course. I’ll be interested to hear your feedback on how it went.”

Tessa left Gloria’s office with a spring in her step and a resolution in her mind. Defining her relationship with Scott was another challenge on her journey of healing and wellness and she had never been one to shy away from a challenge.


	20. Chapter Twenty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy (but don't get too comfy!).

Scott looked down at his watch and checked that he had read the time correctly when he’d looked at it less than a minute before. The air around him filled with laughter and the sound of friendships being forged and moulded as the young children navigated their way through the trials and tribulations of forming connections with their fellow humans. She was late, and it wasn’t like Tessa to be late. He looked at his watch again. He tugged the cuff of his jumper down over the glowing watch face with an authority that told his swirling mind that he was being ridiculous - not only had they not set an actual meeting time, but it was also only a few minutes after the official start time of the kids’ club session. He took a deep breath, inhaling through his nose and releasing slowly through his mouth. It was a technique they’d been taught a long time ago when their frustration with their bodies and with each other started to boil and bubble beneath their skins and make their bodies rigid and their minds black. He’d used it throughout his life. Whenever he found himself in situations in which he knew he needed to relax and to feel the ground beneath his feet and the world’s air inside his lungs he stopped and just focused on his breathing. He imagined the tension leaving him like a black cloud as he exhaled deeply. With his mind a little clearer, he turned his attention inwards in an exploration of the cause of his anxiety and impatience. The picnic the day before had been relaxed and enjoyable and he wondered why today should be any different. He knew why. He knew that he had seen her face last night as he’d closed his eyes and his body had finally given into the sleep he’d been craving. As he’d slept he’d seen her free and smiling in a flowing summer dress. The child in her arms was in one moment Nate and in the next a green eyed version of Nate running between them like an energetic puppy. The world, idyllic in its vivid colours and shining nature was at once a distorted version of itself; midnight’s horror teeming through the park and creating a black wasteland that rocked and lurched before tipping her off its edge and sending her into an abyss that he could never reach into. No matter how many times the scene replayed and no matter how deeply he anticipated it and no matter how hard he tried, his legs were too heavy, his arms too short his mind to slow to lurch forward and grab her and save her from falling beyond his grasp. He’d woken up some time before the sun had risen above the night’s darkness, his mouth dry and his skin glistening with a mix of fear and exhaustion. After checking on Nate, he’d crept downstairs and balled up on the sofa, a rerun of the latest sports news playing quietly through the dimmed room as he stared absently at the screen and allowed its action to replace his thoughts. He'd stayed there, falling in and out of light and fitful sleep, until he heard Nate's call through the baby monitor. 

"Sorry we're a bit late," Tessa apologised to Claire, the club's leader, as she arrived in the room with Ollie on her hip, "we had a bit of a battle over the need for trousers."

"I see," chuckled Claire, "you won."

"Eventually," Tessa responded as she placed Ollie on the floor and removed his coat so that he could join Nate at the bookshelf. 

"The age old trouser conflict, eh?" Scott smiled as he sidled up next to her. 

"Age old?" Tessa asked, "that makes me feel slightly better."

"Nate once decided he was against both trousers and diapers in the middle of the grocery store: talk about trying to keep a low profile!"

"My mom promised him ice cream if he keeps his trousers on for the whole of kids' club this afternoon," Tessa smiled, "I'm not sure he fully understood, so we'll see if I've got some indecent exposure to deal with when we come to pick them up."

Scott felt himself relax slightly as Tessa referenced their plans to spend time together. His dreams and anxiety had left him wondering whether she'd changed her mind and would make an excuse to cancel their coffee date. 

They bid the boys a final farewell before heading out of the centre and into the car park. Scott felt tension fall on his jaw as the specifics of their plans lay unmade before them. 

"Happy for me to drive?" Tessa smiled as they headed towards the line of cars. 

"Lead the way," Scott said with a smile as he felt the tension ease. He felt a calm positivity flow from Tessa that made him feel both secure and uneasy at the same time. The simplicity of her approach and communication told him that she was not overthinking their meeting and that, unlike him, she had not spent the night tossing and turning on her mom's sofa. However, that same simplicity and ease made him feel a sense of disconnection as he was unsure of the person he saw in front of him and the extent to which he really knew her and the extent to which he was left with only the memory of a person he had once known. It was not about her being in control - he had relied on her strength and leadership in many moments throughout their career; from finding them choreographers and designers to work with to working to get people on board with ‘Thank You Canada’, she had led him through the side of their work that she had skills far greater than his to apply to. In an instant he was in the king size bed on the tour bus with his arms stretched out above his head and the rope she’d lashed around wrists and the bed’s frame rubbing against his skin as she took control of every cell of his being by riding him slowly and deeply. Total submission and surrender had never felt so utterly liberating as it had that night. 

The front of the car seemed to shrink as they shut their doors in unison. For the first time in over two years they found themselves completely alone. There were no small children to lighten the air, no family members to fill the silence and no friends to take responsibility for the conversation. Tessa put the key in the ignition and the low purr of the engine offered some companionship. 

"Still happy to drink coffee?" Tessa asked as she pulled out of the parking space.

"Absolutely," Scott smiled in response, "have you got a favourite coffee shop of the moment?"

"I was thinking of perhaps a more scenic spot," Tessa replied as she nodded towards a Thermos that was positioned in the footwell of the passenger seat Scott occupied. 

"Sounds great," Scott turned to look at her for the first time as she pulled out into the line of traffic. 

Tessa paid close attention to the traffic signals as she made her way across town and towards the walking trail that led up onto the hill she had come to consider her own. She wondered whether Scott was analysing her motivations for suggesting they drink their coffee from a plastic flask out on a hill rather than drinking from made-to-look-rustic mugs in a local coffee shop. She hoped that he realised that she was trying to shield them from prying eyes so that they could be themselves. She wanted to tell him that it wasn't about not wanting to be seen with him, but rather about not wanting them to have to hide when they both needed space to be as open as they wanted to be with each other. 

"The weather's nice," she smiled at the windscreen, "I thought outdoors would help us take advantage of the blue sky," she hoped she didn't sound like she was justifying her decision. 

"Outside's perfect," Scott assured her, "don't need to be looking over our shoulders all the time," he knew her well enough to read her intentions as she suggested an outside meet for their coffee. He knew that the isolation would give him more of the real her than he would ever be allowed in a public place and he saw the offering of vulnerability that she was making and knew what that took her. 

Tessa pulled the car into an innocuous and insignificant looking side street that was lined with houses and tall trees. She parked next to a small patch of grass that sat in front of a break in the row of houses. They grabbed the Thermos and checked they had their phones before heading across the grass and towards the path that snaked between low bushes before climbing towards the tree line that skirted the hill the rose above them. The path, freshly covered with bark chips, took them away from the road and away from the world it held. 

“Hiking,” Scott smiled as they walked shoulder to shoulder along the path, “who are you, and what have you done with Tessa Virtue?”

“Hiking?” Tessa laughed softly, “hardly,” she smiled as they emerged from the path and onto the hill’s top. 

The view took Scott by surprise as he looked down on the city sprawling below them, “wow,” was the only word he could find to describe what was in front of him. Tessa held back as she watched him feel what he saw. She remembered the first time she had seen the view herself and knew that although it never failed to amaze, there was nothing to match the feeling of seeing it for the first time. She smiled as she watched the perspective and awe wash over him and settle over his soul. 

“It’s beautiful isn’t it?” she said finally as she approached and stood next to him. 

“It’s incredible,” Scott smiled, unable to turn his eyes from the life buzzing on the canvas beneath him, “how’d you find out about this place?” 

Tessa stilled for a moment as she remembered how she had first come to stand on top of the hill that had become a sanctuary for her; a place where she could face the black depths of the war her own mind was waging against her. A place she could say aloud the truths she had kept even from herself, a place she could cry into the clouds and know that they would not follow her back down the hillside and into the life she was desperately trying to find a way to live. A place she had never brought anyone else. Until today.   
In the early days of her depression, as the world started to shrink and become distorted, the only thing that offered her relief from the endless beat of thoughts that marched through her head was walking. Wrapped in her large coat, a flask of coffee and a blanket in her bag, she walked up and down the streets of her hometown chasing away her thoughts by putting one foot in front of another. The simplest of tasks, the easiest of routes - forward, ceaselessly forward - gave her the distraction that she needed. There were spots like the one they were stood in all over the city; a map dotted with stations of sanctuary. Each cross on the map linked to a struggle for a moment of clarity and understanding. They were dots connected by a recovery and self-discovery that had brought her to the strength she now had to bring the person at the centre of her pain to a place that was hers. On the bench behind them she had realised the importance of needing to forgive him. It had been a moment of enlightenment after an emotional session with Gloria and a walk that took her across the city and back. She’d sat on the bench’s wooden seat with blistered feet and thoughts ready to dawn. As she’d watched the sun go down on the city that ran through her veins, her understanding had bloomed before her. She realised that by forgiving him she released herself from the past and the victim she had allowed herself to become. Once she owned her own breakdown she could build herself up again. 

“I came across this place when I was walking last summer,” she told him, unable to make up a lie about walking with Ollie or being dragged around by Jordan. 

“It’s peaceful,” Scott stated as he moved towards the bench. 

Tessa smiled as she joined him and they sat side by side on the bench, both looking out across the city, “it is,” she agreed. She reached into her bag and pulled out two cups, “coffee, sir?” she offered with a smile as she unscrewed the flask’s lid. 

“Yes, please,” Scott held his cup out, his pinky finger outstretched to match her humour. 

Tessa poured them both a cup of coffee before screwing the lid back onto the flask and placing it on the floor beside the bench. 

“Best view I’ve ever had for coffee drinking,” Scott commented as he took a sip of his coffee. 

“Indeed,” Tessa agreed as she took a sip of her coffee. A silence fell between them that carried the awkwardness of a space devoid of action. With the coffee poured and the view admired, there was nothing left to distract from the communication that they both weren’t quite sure how to initiate. Tessa thought about her earlier sessions with Gloria and the calm understanding she had come to about wanting to discover what her relationship with Scott had become. She was in control of herself. He couldn’t control what was in her head and in her heart, and she needed to remember that. She focused on the cool air flowing through her nose and used it to calm and centre herself. She felt the wooden slats of the bench beneath her body and rooted herself in the present moment. 

“I bet your mom is loving having Nate around,” asking about a friend’s family was a nice thing to do, she reasoned. 

“She is,” Scott nodded his head, turning momentarily to look at her before turning his attention back to the view and to his coffee, “I haven’t visited enough lately, so I am glad we’re here spending time with her.”

“It’s quite a long journey,” Tessa offered in order to relieve the guilt she heard in his voice. 

“Yeah,” Scott agreed, “but I don’t work and Nate has Ollie here now, so I think I will try to get here a bit more regularly.”

“That would be nice,” Tessa smiled without lingering on her own words to determine where they had come from. 

“It will,” Scott agreed, “it’s important to me that Nate knows where his family are from and that he spends time with his grandparents,” Scott added, as if saying his motivations to be away from Florida and in Ilderton were entirely selfless would make them true. 

“And important for you too,” Tessa reached out, “family and home are important to you too,” as soon as she said the words she realised her mistake and wanted to take them back, “Not that you don’t have your own family with Jena, I just meant that you have always been attached to Ilderton and-”

“I do miss home,” Scott interrupted her, “I miss Ilderton and I miss my family.”

His words were raw and laced with a sound that she knew from years at his side was him losing control of his emotions. She sat quietly, unsure of what to do with the emotion she’d detected in his voice; she knew better than anyone that being pushed and pressed was not always the best thing when you felt vulnerable.

Scott felt something start to crumble inside his chest as the expanse of sky before him seemed to illuminate the depths of the feelings he was trying to control. He clawed at the waves that were about to wash in and over him - he had to hold back the sadness and torment that threatened to wash him away because they would expose the truth about his relationship and the reason, which was still partially obscured even to him, it was about to give in to the wave’s white foaming energy. He was in no doubt that Tessa was totally unaware of the real reason he was in Ilderton. He knew that Jordan would not have repeated the honest words he’d said at Marie and Patrice’s party because he knew that her protection of Tessa came before any allegiance she had towards him. He knew that he was lucky to even have the chance to talk to Jordan without incurring her wrath or displeasure. 

He straightened his back and fortified himself. 

“Scott, it’s ok to miss somewhere, you know,” Tessa’s words filled the space he had intended to fill with his own in order to change the subject, “it doesn’t mean that you love where you are any less.”

He only wished she’d stop being so kind and so nice. How was he meant to seal in his pain when she kept testing the strength of his flimsy fortifications? Her voice seemed to speak from beneath a lifetime of knowing him more deeply and more widely than anyone else in his life ever had. 

“I just,” he started and willed himself to stop, “I just…,” he sucked air into his lungs and willed it to chase his words back to the walls he wanted to keep them trapped within. 

“Just what, Scott?” her voice was soft and kind.

He closed his eyes, bent his head and tried to rock the thoughts back to where they belonged. Had she not reached across the abyss between them and placed her hand softly on his bent back he was sure that the thoughts would have been dealt with. He was so close to grasping them between his shaking fingertips and reeling them back in and pushing them down, but the familiar contact of her skin, even through the layers of his clothes, sent them flying like leaves in a storm, wheeling and crashing together until they scudded across the surface of his mind and fell from his mouth uncontrollably. 

“It’s all falling apart,” the words ripped through his chest and tumbled from his mouth, “everything, Tess, it’s all… it’s all…,” his words were swallowed by the tears of sadness and relief that fell freely from his eyes. 

Tessa’s mind stopped and her body took over as she moved towards him, uncurled his body and took it in her arms. He became limp against her solidity. 

“It’s ok,” she soothed, the words unscripted and instinctive. 

“I can’t take anymore, T,” Scott’s body shuddered with tears as he spoke, “I can’t take it anymore,” he repeated as his own words brought his mind into a blurry focus. 

Tessa stood firm, a strength inhabiting her that she didn’t realise she possessed. It was a strength that provided him with a warm body to lean against and a place from which to draw the thin breath that was keeping his heart beating in his chest. They sat for a moment that spanned every second they’d missed each other. It flew across the minutes they’d wasted hurting each other and the minutes they’d survived through without each other. Tessa shuffled, her arms still around him, until her back was against the bench’s solid arm. She lay his head against her chest and pulled his body to fold against hers, “keep your eyes closed,” she whispered kindly as she held him and ran her arm along his arm to soothe him, “there’s no one up here but us, you’re safe here.”

He’d always been safe in her arms; there’d never been anywhere left to run to once his head was against her heart. 

“Take a deep breath,” she coaxed as she felt him begin to shudder against her again as his sadness poured through him, “keep breathing.”

Scott felt her words run through his body as he pulled the air, sweet with her familiar scent, into his lungs and allowed it to oxygenate his blood. He felt a sense of calmness slowly fall across his body and then float towards his mind. He kept his eyes tightly shut and gave into the heat and security of the body beneath him that he had once known better than his own. 

“Do you want to say anything aloud?” Tessa’s fingers ceased their gentle rhythmic soothing and lay at his elbow, “I don’t have to hear. You can say anything you want and you can leave it here.”

Scott exhaled unsteadily as he tried to find a suitable place to begin. He sat silently for a few moments as he tried to sort through his thoughts enough to be able to say something. 

“We just can’t seem to make it work,” he knew that the words he had finally decided upon did little to explain the breadth of his situation, but they were a start, “we can barely have a conversation without fighting. Every word just makes the wound deeper and we’re at a point where I don’t know how to treat it anymore; I don’t know how to make it any better, how to stop the pain.”

Tessa’s silence was kind and comforting rather than awkward and empty. 

“We started fighting,” Scott explained to himself more than to her, “and we would make up and things would be ok for a while and then the thread holding us together would get stretched tighter and tighter and then it would snap and we’d fight again and fix it again, but now,” he paused in anticipation of what he knew was about to leave his mouth, “now neither of us has the energy to fix it again. I’m tired of it, T.” 

Hearing her name told Tessa that he was sharing his thoughts with her, and not just with the space around him. 

“It sounds like a tiring thing to go through,” she used her words to touch his and certify his feelings. 

“It is,” Scott felt his chest start to rise and fall a little more freely. He was starting to relax and calm and the words were starting to order themselves. His thoughts freed themselves and speaking them out loud helped him to cope with their reality. His mind was allowing itself to touch the pain that was grinding down his heart, but it knew there was still one part of the story that needed to remain hidden - the person who came up again and again in the arguments that raged between Scott and Jena; the person providing the ointment that would eventually help Scott to tend to his own wounds and realise that Jena’s weren’t his to treat, “I know she’s hurting and I want to help,” Scott explained, “I want to help her and I want to help us,” he delved into some of his most tangled thoughts, “but it’s like I can’t get close enough to her.”

“You want to fix it.”

Scott was silent and motionless. 

“I wanted to fix it,” he said finally, “now,” he paused again as the enormity of what he was about to say rose in his chest, “now I just want it all to be over,” he said finally before surrendering to the reality of his words and lying inert against Tessa’s body, letting it take his full weight. 

Tessa’s hand moved instinctively to Scott’s hair and she combed her fingers gently across his scalp, “that’s ok,” her voice was barely audible, but her words travelled straight to his heart, “whatever you feel is ok, Scott.”

His arms left his sides and found her waist as he encircled her and held fast to her. She was his last tie to the earth; she was keeping him rooted. He knew that without her as an anchor in that moment, he would be lifted up and tossed through the storm and away into the dark clouds that hung threateningly above him. He held fast to her, pressing his body against hers as the thunder cracked around him and the shadows threatened to engulf him. 

“I don’t know how I manage to get it so wrong,” his voice was drowning beneath layers of self-doubt and an ebbing pity, “every relationship I’ve ever been in, every woman, every love I’ve ever felt, every...every…I ruin everyth-” his voice was swallowed by his own sobbing. 

“Scott-” his pain seeped through the strength she’d managed to maintain and drew a feeling of love and protection from the chamber of her heart that he had colonised long ago. 

“No, Tess,” anger joined his tears, “don’t tell me it’s not me. I’m the reason. I’m the commonality in all of the relationships I’ve been in, all of the relationships that I’ve destroyed. Me. I’m the reason for the hurt, the pain, the suffering; I’m the reason for the end of all of the relationships I’ve been in. Relationships with people who have found love after me. Cassie and Kaitlyn are married, you’ve got Ava and I-” Scott stopped short as he realised what he’d said. He sat up straight and looked her in the eye, “I guessed,” he explained, “at the party. Jordan didn’t-”

“It’s ok,” Tessa’s smile was soft as she looked into his wet eyes as he sat before her, “it’s not a secret, Scott. Well, it is,” she corrected herself, “but not from you.”

“You look happy together,” Scott’s voice was weak but sincere.

“We are,” Tessa eyes and words were soft.

“I’m happy for you,” Scott sniffed as he wiped the tears from his cheeks with the cuff of his sweater, “you deserve happiness.”

“And so do you,” Tessa smiled as she passed him a tissue from her pocket, “and you will find it,” she assured him as the mood between them lightened, “you’re going through something tough, Scott,” she soothed as she poured him a fresh cup of coffee and handed it to him, “you’re on a journey that’s going to have a lot of difficult turns, but in the end, if you follow your heart and stay honest with yourself, you will be stronger because you’ll be in control of your own happiness.”

Scott nodded as he took a sip from the cup she’d handed him.

“And, you know, Scott, I’m here for you,” for the first time that afternoon she felt herself exposed, felt herself move away from the control she’d worked so hard to establish within. There was something ingrained deep within her, in the composition of her being, in the marrow of her bones, that would risk it all for him; an innate motivation as deep as survival itself. It was a motivation that came only from the fusing of two souls; a synthesis that changed the beat of her heart, “you can chat to me anytime you want.”

Scott nodded slowly as his tears dried and the coffee warmed his insides, “thanks, Tess,” he said slowly. It was a thank you for the moment and all of the moments to come; the moments in which they would help each other to fix all that they’d broken, together and alone. 

“We should probably go and find out whether Ollie has secured his ice cream,” Scott shook off the last of his sadness and set the world back in its juddering orbit. They both pulled the shutters of protection back across their hearts and headed back down the hill and towards Tessa’s car. Their talk on the way home was light and inconsequential. Far from creating tension, their time spent above the world had started the gradual dissolution of the barricades that stood between them.

“Daddy,” Nate ran into Scott’s legs as soon as he stepped through the door. The little boy grabbed his dad by the hand and dragged him towards the arts and crafts area. Scott followed Nate, with Tessa following behind. They found themselves greeted by an equally excited Ollie who was bouncing next to the picture that he and Nate had spent the afternoon lovingly creating. 

“What’s this?” Scott asked.

“Ball,” Nate pointed at a red splodge amongst the many that adorned the large piece of paper of which the boys were so proud. 

“Cookie,” Ollie pointed to a second splodge. 

“Daddy,” Nate pointed at what Scott supposed, if one squinted, could be said to resemble a rather disproportionate human being. 

“Bessie,” Ollie pointed at the cacophony of colour next to the one Nate was pointing at. 

Tessa nodded and smiled at the boys’ excitement as she utilised the art of speaking behind her smile that she had developed over years of speaking to Scott during their routines, “I think it may be a picture of the picnic,” she informed him. 

“It’s the picnic!” Scott’s enthusiasm matched the boys’ once Tessa had clued him in to what he was meant to be seeing on the page. His correct identification of the picture sent Nate and Ollie into a frenzy of clapping and high fives.

“This is amazing,” Tessa smiled at the boys, “you’ve worked really hard.”

Ollie emerged from behind the table and threw himself at his aunt, asking to be picked up. Tessa scooped him into her arms and kissed him on the head before bringing him to rest against her. 

“And all with his pants on,” Scott whispered so only she could hear as he picked Nate up from the floor and held him. 

“Success,” Tessa smiled back with her eyes at their private joke. 

They thanked Claire for looking after the boys and for promising to display the picture of the wall of the room so that they boys could see it next time they visited. They walked across the car park and back to their cars. If either one noticed the other walking slowly they didn’t say anything. They were parked next to each other and both busied themselves with strapping the now sleepy boys into their car seats. With the boys secured and their bags stowed in the trunk of each car, they met at the front of their cars. They were alone once more with no children to ease the conversation or fill the space. Except, it felt different to the time they’d spent in the bathroom of Kate’s house, the secret spot in the park or even the hill overlooking London - any awkwardness had fallen away and all that remained between them was a tender and vulnerable new feeling that both of them were equally tentative with and excited by. 

“I keep meaning to give these back to you,” Scott broke the silence between them as he held out the pajamas that Nate had worn on the night of the fair, “thank Jordan for me.”

“Will do,” Tessa smiled as she took them from him. 

“Thanks for today,” his voice was soft and sure. 

“You’re welcome,” she knew it was the response he needed, “here,” she slipped a business card from her pocket and handed it to him, “if you want to talk, text. I am using this number now,” it was a half truth that she was happy with at that point - Jordan was still the recipient of any texts sent to her personal mobile number, and she knew that her sister wouldn’t understand what had happened between them, “we’re going away for a few days,” she added, “Jordan’s case has finished, so-” 

“Thanks,” his response was simple as he pocketed the card and stood motionless for a moment, “I should…,” he pointed to the car. 

“Yeah,” Tessa smiled, knowing that they had to leave each other, “me too.”

“See you.” 

“See you,” she watched as he turned and headed back to his car. Her feet remained rooted to the spot, “Scott,” her voice came as a shock to her at first before she realised exactly what she needed to say to him. 

He turned, his hand on the door handle, his eyes found hers. 

“You’re not the only reason.” 

Their eyes met for a moment across the space and time of the pain that they’d both felt and caused and been swallowed by. She needed him to know that through it all; through everything that had happened between them and all that they’d allowed to slip through their fingers and into the waves; that he was not the only reason. 

She watched him drive away before getting into her own car, opening the hatch of the glove box and pushing the pajamas deep inside.


	21. Chapter Twenty One

Tessa and Jordan each grabbed as many bags as they could carry from the trunk of Tessa’s car and sprinted through the rain and towards the cottage’s door. Kate opened it quickly to allow them to tumble inside and fling the bags to the floor before peeling their soaked jackets from their bodies and hanging them on the peg next to the door. Large splats of water rebounded off the hardwood floor as the coats dripped. Tessa shivered as she pushed her sneakers from her feet and headed towards the warmth of the lounge. 

“All of the nice weather we’ve had,” Jordan sighed as she shook the water from her hair, “and a storm decides to arrive on the one weekend we go away.”

“Well,” Kate smiled as she picked Ollie up and planted a kiss on his forehead, “we will have to find ourselves plenty of games to play and ice cream to eat, won’t we!”

Ollie clapped at the mention of ice cream and he and Kate disappeared into the cottage’s kitchen. 

“Something tells me that my son isn’t going to be doing a whole lot of sleeping this weekend!” Jordan smiled across at Tessa as they followed their mother towards the kitchen and the promise of an open bottle of wine. 

“A little sugar never killed anyone, Jord,” Tessa patted her sister on the shoulder as they pulled themselves up onto the kitchen bar stools. 

“Let’s have this conversation again when you have a toddler!” Jordan smiled at her sister as she poured three large glasses of wine. 

Kate busied herself scooping ice cream into a dish and wrapping a bib around Ollie’s front. Jordan looked on admiringly as she watched her mom fuss over her Ollie. 

Tessa felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. 

_Ava: Hey, hope you guys arrived ok. Have a great weekend of fun - whilst I work :( Miss you. Xx _

Tessa couldn’t hide the smile that slid across her lips as she read the text. Ava had been increasingly more affectionate lately, and Tessa was growing to like it. She knew that Ava was taking steps forward with the expectation that Tessa would tell her when she needed her to stop advancing, and sweet texts weren’t something that she minded or that she wanted to stop. 

_Tess: We’re here - and rather wet! Ollie is eating ice cream already (Jordan and I may already be drinking wine). Miss you too. Xx_

_Ava: If I weren’t out having ‘work drinks’ right now, I would want to know a lot more about your wetness ;) I must get back to my middle aged beer guts!_

Tessa lowered her head to hide the blush Ava’s text brought to her cheeks. 

“You two are sickening,” Jordan whispered from behind her glass of wine. 

Startled out of her daydream by Jordan’s words, Tessa turned the screen of her phone off and held it towards her chest to hide its contents. 

“Don’t worry,” Jordan smiled, “I didn’t see anything. The smirk on your face was more than I needed! You’re going to have to be a little more discreet if you want to leave this weekend with your secret intact,” she nodded subtly towards Kate as she spoke. 

“It’s just a text,” Tessa defended her school girl behaviour, “and she’s working most of the weekend anyway.”

“Oh good,” Jordan grinned, “thought I might have to follow you around and mop your drool for a moment, there.”

“Funny!” Tessa poked her sister’s arm as she rolled her eyes. 

“Good job we’ve got plenty of bottles here,” Kate commented as she sipped at her wine and settled next to her daughters. 

After cleaning Ollie’s ice cream explosion from the kitchen, they all moved to the lounge so that Ollie could have the freedom to play and roam around. Tessa grabbed the box of cars that Jordan had packed for him and pulled the lid off as she called Ollie over to her. 

“Shall we play cars?” she asked her nephew. Ollie, happy to see that his favourite toys had made it to the cottage, slid towards Tessa and started to root through the box for his red car.  
As he searched through the box, Tessa went to the shelf to fetch a couple of books and positioned them on the floor as arches. She and Ollie positioned themselves at either side of the book arch and started to roll the cars through to each other. Ollie squealed with delight as his car appeared in Tessa’s hands after he had pushed it through the arch. 

Kate and Jordan, who were settled on the sofa next to each other, exchanged smiles as they watched Tessa and Ollie playing. Jordan was warmed by the scene in front of her because it was one that she and Tessa had always imagined as children. In the moments that they had together: in the moments when Tessa was just her little sister and not a potential medal winning athlete, they talked about how they would take their children to the park together, and how they would spend weekends at the cottage playing on the beach with their future children. Back then they had allowed themselves to live in a world of make believe and never stopped to question the fact that Tessa’s sport would mean that a family was something that would be pushed to the back of her dreams for a long time. It wasn’t quite the picture they had painted all of those years ago, but if just a few months ago someone had told Jordan that Tessa would be smiling and free and rolling cars through books with her nephew, Jordan would have prayed to the stars that there was a way to make such a vision a reality. She thought about the mornings she’d let herself into Tessa’s darkened house and lifted her sister’s empty body out of her bed and dressed her. She would never be able to erase the empty and hopeless look in her eyes and she would never be able to erase the hours she’d spent crying in her car as she drove away from Tessa’s house with a promise that their mother would visit later that day. She wondered whether anyone else would ever know the extent to which her sister had disintegrated and disappeared. She thought about Tessa’s book and wondered how deep her story would delve into the darkness she had lived in. Kate’s thoughts weren’t a million miles from Jordan’s, and although she had never got as far as imagining her youngest with a family, she had to admit, in private moments, that there had been times when she questioned whether Tessa would ever not be broken. It saddened her to see her daughter in pain, but the sadness was made all the more acute when she thought about the fact that the very person who had, for so many years, made her daughter smile and laugh was the same person who had hollowed her out and left her to inhabit the darkness of her own shell. 

Tessa felt her phone vibrate in the pocket of her jeans. She pushed a car through to Ollie before reaching to retrieve it. As she looked at the screen she saw that the text message had come from an anonymised number. She felt her heart lurch, but refused to acknowledge the feeling. The app she’d set up on her work phone anonymised Scott’s message before forwarding it to her personal number. Her mind wouldn’t allow her to settle on the deception of her actions and so she swiped quickly at the screen to reveal the text. 

_Anon: Need your help in deciphering this latest masterpiece!_

Beneath the message’s text was a thumbnail waiting to be opened. She put her finger to the image and was met with a painting of multi-coloured splodges. She suppressed a smile as she felt Jordan’s eyes on her. She knew that her sister was too far away to see the message’s content, but she was innately driven to keep the message a secret from her. Had she time to stop and think, she may have asked herself whether it was Scott’s contact she was keeping from her sister, or her need to feel that he was hers and not the rest of the world’s. She allowed herself to smile internally as she saw Nate’s picture. There really wasn’t much to be seen in the random blobs of paint that she was looking at. 

_Tess: I think perhaps it is more of an expression of intent than a painting of literal objects._

She pushed a car through the arch towards Ollie as she awaited a reply. 

_Anon: Hmm. Other than creating a paint explosion in my mom’s kitchen, I am not too sure what his intention was!_

_Tess: That’s art for you - beauty is in the eye of the beholder!_

She held her phone in her hand in anticipation of his reply. When it did not come, she slipped her phone back into her pocket and continued to play with Ollie. From the sofa, Jordan just about managed to suppress a smile at her lovesick sister’s antics. 

The afternoon turned into early evening and Kate headed to the kitchen to prepare dinner. Jordan and Tessa headed to the bathroom to bathe Ollie. 

“So things are going well between you and Ava, I take it?” Jordan asked as she knelt at the side of the bath and Tessa hunted through Ollie’s bag to find his pajamas and night time diaper. 

“Yeah,” Tessa smiled, “they are.”

“Everything was ok after the party?”

“It was fine. Things are going well.”

“Good,” Jordan swirled the water around, making Ollie giggle.

“And between you and Ted?” Tessa was gentle with her question.

Jordan was silent for a moment as she poured water over Ollie’s soapy hair. 

“We spoke,” Jordan started, “not specifically about - you know.”

“About sex?”

“Tess!” 

“What?”

“Ollie’s picking up a lot of new words at the moment!”

“Oh, sorry,” Tessa giggled; she was sure Jordan’s objection to the word was more to do with her own awkwardness than concern over her son’s growing vocabulary, “you didn’t talk about S-E-X,” Tessa spelt out the final word. 

“We talked about being close,” Jordan responded a little weakly.

“And you haven’t booked a weekend away,” Tessa observed, “unless he has another super babysitting aunt that I know nothing about!”

“I keep meaning to,” Jordan explained, her voice carrying a tone of justification and apology, “there just always seems to be something going on.”

“Well, please,” Tessa insisted, “just book something. Whatever I have on, I will move around. This is important, Jord.”

“I know,” Jordan agreed as she lifted Ollie from the bath and into Tessa’s waiting arms, “I will get it sorted.”

Just as Tessa finished putting the final touches to Ollie’s diaper, Kate called up the stairs to let them know that dinner was ready. Ollie cuddled close to his aunt as they settled at the table to eat the pasta that Kate had prepared. 

“He’s very clingy this evening,” Kate observed as she nodded towards Ollie. 

“I think he’s been used to being around other children all week,” Jordan smiled as she looked across the table at her son, “he really likes going to kids’ club.”

“I think he’s seen Nate there most days,” Kate added to the rationale for Ollie’s clingy behaviour. 

“Yeah, he’s mentioned him a few times,” Jordan nodded, “seems Nate’s been there most days too.”

“Scott is in town visiting Alma,” Kate informed Jordan, “I think Nate’s used to spending time with other kids too, so Scott’s been taking him to kids’ club most days. Have you seen him this week, Tess?” Kate asked casually, “you’ve handled most of the pick ups and drop offs this week.”

“I saw him as he was leaving yesterday,” Tessa tried her best to sound nonchalant and to cover the heavy beating that had started in her chest, “or it might have been the day before, I can’t remember,” any feelings of guilt about lying to Kate and Jordan were quickly pushed down unacknowledged. If she’d allowed her mind time to acknowledge them she would have justified her withholding of the truth through a sense of privacy and independence. Although her mom and Jordan often commented on how far she had come, they didn’t really understand where she had journeyed to - she didn’t expect them to; it was her journey, and she needed to understand it before they could. If she’d told them that she had held Scott as he cried for his marriage and soothed him as he raked over the past, they would become protective of her and question her. They loved her, she understood that, and because they loved her they wanted to protect her, but she didn’t need protecting from Scott anymore - like she and Gloria discussed; the control is with her and she had proved to herself just the afternoon before that she was fully in control of herself. 

“Well I know Alma is certainly enjoying having him around,” Kate speared a piece of pasta with her fork as she spoke, “she’s happy to be spending time with Nate,” she added. She and Alma had met for coffee a few days earlier and whilst Alma hadn’t given Kate any details, Kate had the distinct impression that Alma was looking forward to spending more time with Nate than she had done when he was a baby. 

“Talking about having people around,” Jordan took a scoop of salad from the serving bowl and placed it on her plate, “how was your date the other night, mom?” 

Tessa silently promised to serve her big sister in any way she could forever! 

“It was good,” Kate replied as she adjusted to the question, “we had dinner, spent some time together.”

“Spent some time together?” Tessa arched her eyebrows across the table at Jordan.

“Yes, Tess,” Kate spoke plainly, “we spent some time together. We walked around town, talked about our interests.”

“Oh, Jordan,” smiled at Tessa as they teased their mother, “that kind of spending time together!!

“We also had sex,” Kate delivered her words with no emotion or feeling, playing her girls at their own game, “and it was good.”

“Mom!” Jordan and Tessa protested at the same time. 

“You asked, dear,” Kate reveled in turning the conversation on her two daughters. 

“But we didn’t think you’d ac-”

“What? Had sex?” Kate said the word again and smirked as the girls flinched. 

“Stop it!”

“Stop what?” Kate was in full flow, “saying the word sex, or having it? What is it that’s upsetting you most?”

“This conversation!” Jordan held her hand up, “stop this conversation now.”

Silence fell across the table and the women returned to their food. 

“As you wish, dear,” Kate had the last word as she popped a piece of cucumber into her mouth. 

The remainder of the dinner conversation was light and ‘safe’ as they discussed Tessa’s plans for the foundation, the progress she was making with her book and Jordan’s home design ideas. 

As they finished their food and started on a second bottle of wine, Ollie curled himself into Tessa and rubbed his eyes. 

“I’ll get this one into bed,” Tessa smiled as she stood up with Ollie. 

Jordan stood to meet her and gave her son a kiss on the forehead, “Are you sure you don’t mind putting him to bed?”

“My pleasure,” Tessa smiled as she moved towards Kate so that she could kiss her grandson goodnight.

Tessa left Jordan and her mom in the kitchen and took Ollie to the room that he shared with Jordan. Leaving the lights out, she navigated her way around the room and found the night light beside Ollie’s bed. The ceiling was suddenly aglow with soft starlight. She placed a final kiss on her nephew’s head before she lay him down in his cot and placed her hand on his chest. It was a simple comfort that Ollie had liked since he was a baby, and within a few minutes his little body was rising and falling gently as he slipped deeper and deeper into sleep. Tessa slowly withdrew her hand and sat quietly on the edge of the bed. She loved spending time with Ollie; she loved his vivacity and his chuckles and sense of adventure. She loved watching him grow and learn and rejoice in the simplest of pleasures. But most of all, she loved to watch him sleep; she loved the way his eyes moved as he dreamed and how he flung his arms above his head in a pose of absolute relaxation. During her time living with Jordan she had often crept into Ollie’s room as he slept and just sat beside him and listened to his breathing. It came to be the only way that she could fall asleep. There was something about the peace and the stillness that eased all of the pain that she felt in the outside world. In Ollie’s world she felt safe and comforted. She let the pillows on the bed take her weight as she sat back. Her peace was interrupted by the vibrating of her phone. 

_Anon: Hey. How’s cottage life?_

Tessa stared at the screen for a moment before hitting reply. Her connection to his need for communication was seemingly yet another thing that was ingrained in her. 

_Tess: A little wet, but we are finding things to keep ourselves busy (mainly drinking wine!). _

Her fingers hovered over the letters on the screen. He was clearly reaching out to her in some way. She debated how best to respond. 

_Tess: How’s life with Van Gogh?_

She decided that humor was the best bet as it allowed him to make as much or as little of her comment as he wished. She slid her phone through her hands as she waited for his reply. More than a moment passed, and with each second that went by she wondered whether he was going to reply at all. 

_Anon: Thankfully my mom saw the beauty in the mess! Afternoon hasn’t been the best, really. Jena called to speak to Nate, and it’s made him a bit cranky. _

Seeing Jena’s name in black and white pulled Tessa into a world that she had spent so much time staunchly avoiding. Her early work with Gloria had been about stopping her obsessive thoughts as she imagined what Scott and Jena were doing together. She had spent hours playing through scenarios in her mind. In her more measured moments she saw them sharing dinner at a restaurant that she and Scott had eaten at and in her darkest moments she saw them standing together on the podium, gold medals around their necks and babies in their arms. She learnt to make her peace with the life that they were living and with the life that she was living. Seeing Jena’s name on the screen, mentioned in such private communication, tested her recovery and resolve. She worried her bottom lip with her teeth as she carefully composed a reply. 

_Tess: Poor thing, I’m sure it’s just a bit unsettling. He will come around._

She wondered whether it was too brief and too light. It didn’t really reflect the vulnerability and emotion of his message, and she was worried that he would see her as disinterested. She debated adding something more; asking how he felt about the call, perhaps. She pondered for a few moments, and unable to decide on what to add, she pressed the send button. Scott’s reply was almost instant. 

_Anon: I just worry about what we’re doing to him - what effect our arguing is going to have on him._

This time his emotion was unavoidable and she felt him reaching out to her. 

_Tess: Of course you worry - you’re a good dad and you want what is best for him. Is being in a house of arguments really the best way to grow up?_

She didn’t take any time to think before sending the message. Her connection to him was increasingly heart felt and her need to help and support him took over. 

_Anon: you’re not the first person to make that point, and I know you are right. I just don’t want him to grow up thinking that we didn’t try. _

_Tess: And when he’s old enough to understand you will be able to explain that to him. Take it from a child of divorce - it really isn’t all that bad in the end._

_Anon: sorry, that was really insensitive of me - I hadn’t even thought about your parents. Sorry, Tess._

_Tess: don’t apologise! You know how I feel about my parents’ divorce, Scott. I had you to help me and I know that Nate will make friends and that they will help him too._

_Anon: Thanks, Tess. I think I know deep down that he will be ok._

_Tess: But wondering whether he won’t gives you permission to question what you want to do?_

_Anon: Perhaps. I know where it’s headed, I think I am just slowly accepting it. _

_Tess: You’re coming to terms with it._

_Anon: I am. Thanks for letting me talk to you about it._

_Tess: Anytime._

Tessa sat up and hung her legs over the side of the bed. She liked the feeling of being in control and being able to offer advice and guidance. For so long it had been she who had needed the support of other people, but with her new found peace she was now the one able to be strong for someone else. It was testament to the progress that her mom and Jordan were always praising her for. She also felt the empowerment of having a ‘private life’ again; during her illness and recovery she’d had no choice but to allow her mom and Jordan into every inch of her life and had to allow them to take responsibility for planning her day-to-day life and for making decisions about where she went and who she spent time with. She felt immensely grateful for the responsibility they took and for the care that they showed to her, but she was happy now to be recovering and finding her own way through life. She took a final look into Ollie’s cot before heading for the door and the glass of wine that was waiting for her. She had her hand on the door handle when she felt the message arrive.

_Anon: What did you mean, T? That I’m not the only reason?_

Her hand stilled on the door’s handle. A shiver of ice ran through her, taking her breath from her chest. She stopped still as her heart started to beat rapidly.  
She pushed her phone deep into her pocket, opened the door and joined her mom and Jordan in the bright kitchen. 

“Did he go down ok?” Jordan asked as she passed Tessa a full glass of wine. 

“Fine,” Tessa smiled at her sister as she took the glass and fell into the large armchair opposite the sofa that her mom and Jordan were lounging on. 

“We should arrange another girls’ holiday now that Ollie is older,” Kate suggested. 

“We definitely should,” Jordan agreed with enthusiasm, “we had such a good time in France, didn’t we!”

“It was just so nice to spend time together,” Kate agreed. 

“And the food was amazing,” Tessa added. 

“And the wine,” Jordan added with a smile. 

They were all silent for a moment as they reminisced about the vacation that they had enjoyed together. For Kate and Jordan, it had been a rare opportunity to have Tess to themselves. They had always understood that she was busy and that it was natural that she was close to Scott and spent a lot of her time with him, but that didn’t stop them from missing her and making the most of the time that they had her to themselves. Tessa remembered the holiday fondly too. She had loved being with Jordan and her mom and with the freedom to enjoy as much French food and wine as she wanted.

“We should go to Europe again,” Tessa suggested, “perhaps we could do a few countries: we won’t be as pressed for time this time.”

“I’d love to go to Eastern Europe,” Kate offered. 

“Oh, me too,” Jordan nodded with excitement.

They spent the evening planning holidays to Europe, and as each hour passed the plans became more and more innovative and exciting. Their yawns got the better of them just before midnight and they all headed to bed with warm feelings courtesy of the wine and the promise of their travel plans lingering in their minds and bodies. Tessa shut the door of her room behind her and sealed herself into the warm bedroom. She felt the room spin slightly as she sat on the bed to undress. She sat still and took a breath; they’d been drinking since they’d arrived, she reasoned with herself. It was hardly surprising that she was feeling the effects of the alcohol. She changed into her favourite sleep t-shirt and went into the ensuite bathroom to brush her teeth. As the material caught the room’s air she was met with the unmistakable scent of Ava’s perfume and was taken back to her kitchen the morning before and the last time she had been wearing the t-shirt. She smiled as she thought about Ava crawling through the darkness and slotting into bed beside her. She found herself wishing that she was close enough to be able to surprise her that night, but shook her head at herself in the mirror as she reasoned that not only was her girlfriend miles away, she was also a secret and her presence at the cottage would give Tessa a lot to explain to her confused mother. In the next second she felt a sense of guilt flash through her chest as she felt bad for the secret she kept. Ava was so understanding and nice and Tessa was becoming increasingly sure about their relationship - perhaps it was time to tell Kate about the wonderful woman she’d found. She rinsed her mouth and headed back to the bedroom. She tidied away her clothes and as she reached into the pocket of her jeans she was reminded of the secret she had been keeping from herself for the whole evening. Scott’s text sat there, unanswered and calling to her. At the danger of allowing herself to think and question, she deleted the message before swiping the screen, finding Ava’s number and heading towards bed. The phone dialed a few times before Ava answered. 

“Sorry,” Tessa was suddenly aware of the time, “were you sleeping.”

“No,” Ava’s voice smiled sleepy down the phone, “I’ve just got in.”

“Good night?” Tessa smiled as she pulled back the bed sheets and slid beneath them. 

“Depends what your definition of good is,” Ava laughed, “if drunken middle aged men are your thing, then I suppose it was a 10/10.”

“Hmm,” Tessa pulled the covers up to her chin as she settled down with her phone, “I’m thinking you gave it more of a zero?”

“Try minus 10!”

“That bad?”

“Worse?”

“Oh no!”

“I’m home now,” Ava always seemed to find a way to see the positive in every situation. “And enjoying this rather unexpected phone call,” she added with a smile. Late night phone calls weren’t really a ‘Tessa thing’ as far as Ava’s experience told her. 

“Well,” Tessa blushed slightly as she spoke, “I’m too far away to return the booty call, so I thought I would give you a call and let you know I am at least thinking about it!”

“Is this a dirty phone call?” 

“No!” 

“Oh,” Ava used a tone of mock disappointment, “that’s a shame.”

Tessa laughed on the other ends of the line and then a gentle silence fell between them.

“I did want to talk to you about something, though,” Tessa’s voice trembled a little as she twisted a loose thread of cotton from the duvet cover between her fingers, “but if you’ve just got in and you’re tired it can wa-”

“No,” Ava’s voice lost its playful tone told Tessa that she was open and ready to listen to her, “I’m here. I’m listening.”

“Ok,” Tessa breathed deeply before she started to talk, “you know that I have been taking Ollie to kids’ club this week?”

“Hmm.”

“I bumped into Scott,” she said quickly, “at the start of the week. He was taking Nate to kids’ club too.”

“Ok.”

“The boys get on well,” Tessa explained, “and we took them to the park for a picnic,” she continued, “after kids’ club.”

“And how was it?”

“It was,” Tessa was thrown by Ava’s question as it derailed her from the information she needed to get to, “it was fine. The boys had a good time.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah it is,” Tessa agreed, “we were both dropping the boys off the next day,” Tessa could feel her lungs emptying as she spoke, “and we met for coffee whilst they were at the club.”

“Right.”

“On our own,” Tessa explained, “we met for coffee on our own.”

“And how was that?”

Tessa was silent as she tried to find the words to explain to herself what the meeting had been like. 

“Erm,” she inhaled deeply, “it was ok,” they were all the words she could manage, “well, it was, well, it was emotional, I suppose.”

“That seems understandable,” Ava’s voice was clear and unemotional. 

“He’s in a difficult place,” the words leaving her mouth seemed so insufficient as both an explanation of what had happened on the hill and also why she was telling Ava about it, “his marriage is challenging him,” her voice no longer sounded like her own. 

“And he told you about it?” 

“He didn’t mean to,” Tessa’s response was quick, “it just came out. I don’t think he-”

“Tess,” Ava’s voice was solid on the other end of the line, “he needed someone to talk to and you were there.”

Silence on the other end of the line. 

“I know a lot has passed between you,” Ava continued, “and I think there is some caution needed from both parties, but you were there for someone who needed you. That’s not only a good thing, but it shows your strength. I am proud of you.”

The silence continued. 

“Tess?”

Quiet sobs were audible where Tessa’s voice should have been. 

“Tess?”

“I just,” Tessa started as she sniffed back the tears, “I thought you’d be…” her tears overwhelmed her voice. 

“I’d be what?” Ava asked softly, “mad?”

Tessa made a sound of agreement. 

“Tess, I am not going to mad at you for being there for a friend. This is all part of your healing. There was always going to be a point where Scott reentered your life and that it has happened in a way that allows you to share the journey you have been on and the strength that you have gained is a good thing.” 

“I really don’t deserve you,” Tessa snivelled down the line as she listened to Ava’s words. 

“Don’t be silly,” Ava laughed, “I’m the one dating an Olympic gold medalist!”

“Ava,” Tessa’s tone turned to a serious one, “honestly. I am grateful.”

“Tess,” Ava’s tone matched her girlfriend’s, “I know you are. And I hope that you know that I am grateful for you too.”

Both women smiled into the phone and their warmth carried on the airwaves. 

“I think I need to get some sleep,” Tessa said at last. 

“I have a breakfast meeting with a client tomorrow,” Ava yawned, “and I need to wash the smell of cheap cologne off me before I fall asleep and wake up in the night thinking I’m in bed with my dad!”

Tessa laughed richly before she bid Ava good night and ended the call. The room was suddenly pitch black and she quickly shut her eyes to avoid the darkness. The wine flowing through her bloodstream sent her into a deep and restless sleep. Images formed plotless stories as they floated through the spaces in her mind. In one moment she was running freely through a forest of trees and in the next she was being dragged downwards by an invisible force and tumbling into a soup of kaleidoscopic light rays that danced about her body with dizzying speed. As morning rolled around and the night receded she was left with only whisps of the dreamworld she had inhabited. 

“Morning,” Jordan’s voice rang out from the kitchen where she was already feeding Ollie mashed banana.

“Morning,” Tessa smiled as she headed straight for the coffee machine that was brewing a much needed cup of coffee for her. 

“Did you sleep well?” Jordan asked as her sister ruffled Ollie’s hair before settling on the bar stoll next to her.

“Yeah,” Tessa wasn’t sure to what extent she was telling the truth - her head felt heavy and there were the remnants of something floating around in it, but the thoughts were too thin and out of reach to be remembered, “did you?”

“Until this one woke up,” Jordan smiled as she gently bopped Ollie on the nose, “I’d forgotten what an unforgiving combination wine and toddlers are.”

They sat in companiable silence as they sipped at their cups of coffee and watched Ollie rolling a toy car through the mashed banana that he had tipped out of his breakfast bowl and onto the high chair’s tray table. 

“I think I’m going to tell mom.” Tessa announced out of nowhere, “about Ava,” she clarified. 

“Ok,” Jordan responded as she succeeded in placing a spoon of banana into Ollie’s mouth, “is there a reason you want to tell her now?” Jordan’s voice took on a tone that was all too familiar to Tessa; it was the flat and non-judgemental tone that she had perfected during Tessa’s illness. It was a tone that persuaded Tessa to examine and question her own thoughts and actions. 

“Just that we are getting on well,” Tessa sipped at her coffee as she spoke, “and things are more serious now. We’re a couple and spend a lot of time together.”

“Are you thinking of telling more than just mom?” Jordan asked. 

“I don’t think so,” Tessa replied, “going public about our relationship isn’t really something I want to do consciously and purposefully,” Tessa explained, “I don’t want to make an announcement or anything like that.”

“And so you’re happy to be seen out with her now?”

Tessa was quiet for a moment as she considered Jordan’s question, “I don’t think I am ready for that yet. There’s a difference between mom knowing and-”

“Going public!” Jordan smiled her sister. 

“Ok,” Tessa laughed softly at the trap she had been caught in, “perhaps at some point I need to make it clear that we are together - a social media post or something - and, no, I don’t want that at the moment. However, I want mom to know because I don’t want to have to creep around with Ava. I don’t want to have to remember not to mention her, or to discourage mom from popping around unnannouced.”

“I think it’s a good step for you to take,” Jordan wiped Ollie’s mouth clean as she spoke, “have you and Ava spoken about it?”

“Not really,” Tessa admitted, “but she’s always made it clear that it is my decision and that she’s happy for me to set the pace.”

Jordan nodded, “she really is a good woman, Tess.”

“I know,” Tessa smiled back at her sister. 

“Morning troops,” Kate’s voice sang from the hallway and put a stop to their conversation. 

At the sound of his grandma’s voice, Ollie jumped up and down in the seat of his chair. 

“That’s a nice greeting,” Kate smiled down at her grandson as she pulled him up from the high chair and placed him on her hip, “have you had your breakfast without grandma?” she did a fake pout in Ollie’s direction as she spoke. 

“Oh, he’s been up and eating breakfast for hours!” Jordan yawned as she passed her mother a steaming cup of coffee. 

Kate took the cup with a wide smile of gratitude before settling herself at the kitchen table with Ollie perched on her knee. With the skill of an experienced mother she pulled a piece of paper infront of Ollie and shook the box of crayons in front of him. Ollie dipped into the box and set to scribbling on the paper. 

“I’ll grab a shower if you’re ok with him,” Jordan was already leaving the kitchen and heading back to her room as she spoke. 

“Sure,” Kate smiled over her shoulder at her daughter, “you enjoy some time to yourself, we’re having great fun here, aren’t we Ollie?” she placed a kiss on the top of Ollie’s head as she spoke. 

Jordan, glad of the opportunity to take her time in the shower, headed off with a smile on her face. Tessa refilled her coffee cup and grabbed her phone from the kitchen counter before joining her mom and nephew at the table. 

Tesa and Kate both watched Ollie quietly as he set to work on attempting to colour in the entire piece of paper with a red crayon. It was hard to determine whether there was any method to his madness as the crayon flew across the paper at increasingly actue angles. Both women were mesmorised by the toddler’s movements. 

“How are your sessions with Gloria going?” Kate’s voice was soft as she took the opporutnity to talk to her youngest daughter. 

“They’re good,” Tessa responded without taking her eyes from Ollie’s moving hand, “I feel like I’ve really made some progress,” she raised her eyes to meet her mother’s as she spoke. 

“You have, sweetheart,” Kate smiled with her eyes, “you’ve worked so hard to get to this point.”

“I have,” Tessa agreed, “but it’s stopped feeling like such hard work now, which I think is a good thing. I’m stronger and more confident now.”

“That’s really good.”

“It is,” Tessa agreed, “and I feel like I can get on with my life again now,” she explained, “like being broken gave me this amazing opportunity to build myself again. It’s not often that you get the chance to build yourself again having learnt so much about yourself. It’s kind of like having lived in a house and learnt all that was imperfect about it and then being given the opportunity to knock it down and start again and build it without the imperfections.”

Kate nodded gently as she listened to her daughter. She really was truly grateful for Tessa’s recovery and it took her a lot of strength not to become emotional when she heard the strength in her daughter’s voice, “that’s really good to hear, Tess.”

“It’s really good to be able to say.” Tessa smiled, “I feel like I’ve been given some kind of second chance.”

“And I know you are going to make the most of it, sweetheart.”

“I am,” Tessa drank the last of her coffee, “in fact,” she felt her heart quicken in her chest as she spoke, “I am moving on, feeling stronger,” she cleared her throat as it threatened to close up on her, “I’ve started seeing someone, actually.” 

“Oh,” Kate tried her best to disguise the mix of suprise and apprehension in her voice. 

“We’re not living together or anything,” Tessa felt the need to explain, “we’re taking it slowly, I mean. We’re in a relationship, and it’s becoming more serious, but I know I need to be careful.”

“Ok,” Kate felt the need to respond although her mind was spinning as her mothering instinct made her want to reach out and clutch her daughter to her and keep her safe from any potential heartbreak and siffering. She took a silent breath and told herself that Tessa needed her to remain calm and collected, “is he from London?” was the only question that came to her mind. 

“No,” Tessa answered quickly, “no, not London,” she knew bandaids were best torn from the skin quickly and she flexed her fingers before she spoke, “actually, mom, it’s a woman; her name’s Ava.”

Unable to look at the reaction on her mother’s face, Tessa turned her attention back to Ollie’s colouring. 

“I forgot my shampoo!” Jordan’s words entered before she did and they were stopped in their tracks just as she was as she was hit by the room’s atmosphere. She stood, clad in only her towel, and looked at the scene in front of her. She walked slowly over to the table and pulled out the chair next to her mother and opposite Tessa. 

“It’s a wild guess,” she smiled across the table, “but I’m going to guess that Tessa’s just dropped the L-bomb!”

“Jordan!”

“Just trying to ease the tension!”

“Mom?” Tessa looked up at her mother for the first time since she had let her secret out. 

“Wow,” Kate chuckled as she breathed out, “you had me scared for a moment there!” she put her hand to her chest as she spoke. 

Jordan and Tessa looked at each other through confused and furrowed brows. They searched each other’s faces for an explanation of their mother’s behaviour. Their eyes met as they both came to the same conclusion at the same time. 

“Mom, you thou-” Tessa began. 

“She thought you were going to drop the S-bomb!” Jordan’s laugh was hearty and deep. 

“I just thought, when you were being so vague and nervous that-” Kate blushed a she tried to explain. 

“That she’d fallen for the Moir charm a second time!” Jordan laughed, “she’s gay, mom - not crazy.”

“Bi!”

“Gay, bi, whatever,” Jordan waved away Tessa’s comment with her hand, “as long as you’re not Moir-ish, we’re good.”

“Jordan, there’s no sexual orientation that’s and ‘ish’-” Tessa started to protest. 

“Thank goodness,” Kate fanned herself with her hand to dry her tears of laughter and relief, “thank goodness,” she repeated, “I was glad to see you two getting on after the fair, but-”

“Ava is lovely, mom,” Jordan tried to bring her mom back to the actual topic of conversation, “perhaps Tessa will let you meet her when we get back home.”

“Oh yes,” Kate took Jordan’s cue and turned her attention back to Tessa’s girlfriend, “I would like to meet her. Perhaps the two of you can come for dinner when we get back,” Kate suggested with a smile. 

“We’d like that,” Tessa smiled, glad that the tension had eased, “we’re just keeping it to a few family members knowing at the moment,” Tessa added. 

“Of course,” Kate nodded at her daughter, “it’s nobody else’s business, anyway.”

“Exactly,” Tessa smiled. 

“Well, I’m glad that cat’s out of the bag!” Jordan smiled as she got to her feet, “Tess, where are your car keys? I think I must have left my shampoo in the car.”

“I can go and look for it,” Tessa got to her feet to save her sister from having to go out of the house wrapped in only her towel. 

“No!” Jordan insisted as she scooped the keys from the hallway table, “you and mom chat, I think I know where it is, I won’t be a minute.”

Jordan was glad to see that it was no longer raining as she pushed the front door open and clicked the key’s button to unlock the car. She opened the car’s trunk and moved aside the spare shoes and coats that Tessa always kept in there in case of emergencies. With no sign of the bottle of shampoo, she wondered whether it had been in the bag she’d had in the car during the journey. She closed the trunk and headed to the car’s back door. The back seats were clear and there was clearly no sign of her shampoo, so she ducked her head into the car and checked beneath the seats. With a growing suspicion that the shampoo may have actually been taken in the house, she decided to complete her search with a quick look in the front of the car. She opened the passenger side door and ducked through door to look in the centre console - no sign. Her final check found her looking into the passenger footwell to find no sign of the bottle. In the name of being thorough, she pulled open the glove box and looked into it before pushing aside the scarf that was stuffed into the front of it. Her hand fell upon a pastic bag, out of the side of which was poking a familar sight. It took her a moment to register the green and red dinosaurs that were staring back at her. Her mind caught up with her eyes as she recognised the pajamas as Ollie’s. She narrowed her eyes as she tried to fathom how they had ended up in the glove box of Tessa’s car. In a moment reality dawned and her heart jumped in her chest as she remembered the last time she had seen the pajamas. She recognised that there was only one person who could have been responsible for their appearance in the glove box of Tessa’s car - Scott.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next - time for Scott to go home.


	22. Chapter Twenty Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a brief installment this time. Enjoy.

Scott browsed the menu that he held in his hands. His eyes roved over a melody of dishes - including his favourite: steak and garlic roasted potatoes, and yet he hadn’t the appetite for a single thing. He lowered his menu and looked across the table at Jena; she seemed to be having the same problem. 

“We can go back home,” Scott suggested, “we don’t have to-”

“No,” Jena interrupted, “this is a good idea.”

The idea that she was referring to was the one that Scott had suggested before either of them had even boarded their flights back to Florida. He’d thought about the conversation he knew they needed to have and realised that if they tried to put it off it would turn from having the potential to be a measured conversation into a hurtful and pointless argument. His suggestion of a restaurant dinner was also a conscious decision of his as he thought that a public and formal situation would keep their behaviour and emotion in check. His stomach felt tight with anxiety, and eating was the last thing he felt like doing. 

“Are you ready to order?” the waiter’s presence at the table made them both quickly look at the menus. 

“I’ll have the lasagne,” Jena smiled. 

“Salad or fries?”

“Salad, please.”

“And I’ll have the chicken burger, please,” Scott ordered. 

“Salad or fries?”

“Fries, please.”

The waiter disappeared and they were on their own once more. They both sipped slowly and silently at their drinks. 

“So,” Scott pushed the conversation on; the sooner he started it, the sooner it would be over and he could get out of the stifling restaurant, “did you have time to think whilst you were away?”

“Yeah,” Jena’s smile was a little unsure as she spoke, “I think I had some time to see things more clearly.”

“That’s good,” Scott tried to be kind and encouraging, “and how are you feeling about things now?”

“I think I had time to understand that whilst we’re together we’re only going to continue hurting each other.”

Scott nodded as she spoke. 

“When I think about where we are and the conversations and arguments we’ve already had, I just don’t see how we are going to move forward from where we are whilst we are still living together.”.

“I think some distance between us has been a good thing,” Scott was aware that time away from each other had given them both some thinking space, but whether the time had been ‘good’ for him wasn’t something he could be so sure about. His week in Ilderton had been an emotional rollercoaster and although he had no idea what he had really set in motion, he was aware that a shift had taken place. 

The waiter reappeared with their food and placed their plates down in front of them, “enjoy,” he smiled before leaving them to what was clearly a deep conversation.

Jena and Scott both set to adorning their food with salt and pepper and a selection of sauces. Scott pushed a fry into his mouth before looking over at Jena, “so, what do you think we should do now?” 

“I am not sure what there is to do,” Jena replied, “I think we’re looking at an inevitable outcome, aren’t we?”

“An inevitable outcome?” Scott’s voice was sharp, “sounds like you’ve really managed to get some perspective.”

“What does that mean?” Jena stopped eating and stared at him across the table. 

“Well, sounds like you’ve made our marriage into nothing more than one of your work projects,” Scott stabbed at a piece of lettuce on his plate, “outcomes? Isn’t that what you measure and plan for?”

“Scott, it was a turn of phrase,” Jena’s voice was calm and steady as she spoke. 

“A strange one to use about marriage,” Scott spat, “you realise it is our marriage we’re talking about, right?”

Jena lay one of her hands flat on the table and allowed the touch of its wood against her palm to ground her. She could feel Scott’s anger and frustration growing and the last thing she wanted was to get into a fight with him. She felt the tension run from her shoulders and leave her body through her toes, “I’m just trying to find a way to make things work between us, Scott.”

“Sounds like you’ve given up on us working.”

“Scott,” Jena put her fork down on the table and made eye contact with him across the table, “stop, please. We don’t need to go back through this again. We both know - we’ve both acknowledged in one way or another - that we’re not good for each other anymore.” 

Scott bowed his head as she listened to her speak. The anger that had risen in him began to subside - more out of fatigue than understanding. Deep down he knew that what she was saying was right, but there was something within him that still clung to a shred of hope. A shred of hope that, under close inspection was not hope at all but rather a fragile thread of fear and the anticipation of regret. He clung to it in the hope that all of the pain that was rising before him could be in some way avoided. 

“My boss has asked me to go back to Germany,” Jena continued, “for a few weeks,” she explained, “and I think it could give us time to sort out what our next move is.”

“A visit to our lawyer, you mean?”

“We should probably make an appointment,” Jena agreed, “but I was thinking more about living apart when we get back. As a sort of trial, you know, to see how we manage with our finances and with Nate.”

“Live apart here?” Scott asked, “in Florida?”

“That would be best for Nate.”

Scott bit his tongue as he refrained from saying that having his parents in a happy marriage and living in the same house is what would be best for Nate. 

“I need to think ab-”

“Of course,” Jena replied kindly, “that’s why we need to take a bit more time to think and to work out how we make this situation work for Nate.”

“We’ve been in Ilderton whilst you’ve been away,” Scott reminded her, “we’ll go back and spend some more time there.”

“I think that’s a good thing,” Jena nodded as she chewed her food, “you’ll have your mom and dad to talk to.”

Scott remained silent on the other side of the table. 

“Have you told your mom and dad about what’s happening?” Jena asked slowly.

“Not exactly.”

“Have you told anyone?” the question hung for a moment. 

“It’s not something I enjoy talking about,” Scott offered a non-committal answer because he knew exactly what Jena was asking him.

They continued to eat in silence. 

“Thank you for looking after Nate, Scott,” Jena offered, “I know he’s your son and I know that looking after him is no chore for you, but knowing that you are taking care of him makes it easier for us to be able to do this really difficult thing.”

Scott inhaled deeply as he allowed her words to sink into his skin. 

“We both just want what’s best for him,” he said finally, “we’ve been clear about that from the start.”

“And that’s never going to change.”

“No,” Scott smiled more freely, “no, it’s not.”

They finished the final mouthfuls of their food and promptly asked the waiter to bring them the bill. 

“Are you ok to go to your mom’s and collect Nate?” Scott asked as he picked his coat up from the back of his chair, “I just want to take a walk,” he combed his right hand through his hair as he spoke. 

“Sure,” Jena smiled, “perhaps I’ll take him for some ice cream; get some quality time with him. I’ve missed him so much.”

“He’ll love that,” Scott replied for a smile as he pulled his coat on and headed for the door. 

The coolness of the early evening felt refreshing against his skin as Scott headed towards the beach. He pulled his collar straight around his neck to ward off the cold air that danced around his neck like a whisper. He left the concrete of the pavement and felt the soft sand give beneath his feet as he set a steady pace across the beach. The shoreline was unusually quiet and calm, and Scott felt a tranquility fall over him as he looked out across the ocean and into the vast horizon. He searched the golden streaked sky for a map that showed him where he had taken a wrong turn; at which path he’d made the wrong decision. Perhaps it had been the day he’d allowed himself to believe that he and Tessa could live with something more than skating between them, perhaps it was the day he’d asked her to marry him, or the day he’d walked away, or the day he’d met Jena...or the day he’d allowed himself to chase what he wanted rather than who he wanted. All of his life he had looked up to his dad and then, as he got older, to his brothers. He sat watching Danny and Charlie rolling around the yard with their children, their wives looking on with love and adoration in their eyes. He envied the way they had more than a house to return to each night; they had a home filled with love and happiness and he wanted so much to have that for himself too. He longed for the roots and the peace and the sense of belonging that he watched them enjoy. After Tessa’s rejection of his proposal he saw a way to finally get everything he had ever wanted. He saw in Jena the opportunity to be a dad and a husband and to stop being Scott Moir, ice dancer. When Tessa said no something in his heart shut down and a sense of pragmatism took over it. He had loved Jena, that was true - he had never lied about that and he had never seen her as his second choice. However, there was also a part of him, deep within a hole that he was only now starting to realise the existence of, that had always known that there was something jagged and out of sync with who he really was. He kicked a pebble into the wash of the waves as he walked further from the shore and towards the unknown place beyond the space where the sea met the sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In chapter twenty three, Scott heads home to Ilderton and some important conversations with his mom and dad.


	23. Chapter Twenty Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little something for the pain!   
Enjoy, stay safe, keep kind.

The road stretched unendingly ahead; field giving way to field and cloud touching cloud against a darkening sky. Scott looked into the rear view mirror and smiled as he saw Nate sleeping soundly behind him. His son’s head was rested softly on the pillow that he had tried to resist as Scott had slotted it in between his head and the side of his car seat after they’d stopped for an early dinner a few hours before. Being treated to burger and fries had been the highlight of the day’s car journey for Nate, and Scott had enjoyed watching him eat so happily and freely. The few fries that Nate had offered had been gratefully received by Scott who was waiting until they checked into their motel for the night before having dinner; eating in the middle of the afternoon was perfect for Nate, but a stomach full of carbs on a long drive wasn’t Scott’s idea of fun. His and Nate’s first road trip together had been all the fun he’d expected it to be. It would have been easier to hop on a plane: they’d spent enough time in the skies of late, but Scott had seen his journey to Ilderton as a chance to get Nate on the road for the first time. Jena had voiced her reservations: Nate was too young, too unsettled, too fidgety. Scott had assured her that it would be fine, and that they were in no rush and he planned to take a few days to make the trip and to stop often and overnight. The noise of the car’s wheels rolling rhythmically over the road’s tarmac was a quiet and comforting hum beneath the soft music coming from the radio. He heard the first lines of ‘Your Song’ start to play into the space around him. Without taking his eyes from the road, he reached out and turned up the volume. He checked in with the rear view mirror to see Nate’s total lack of reaction to the increase in volume. Elton John’s usual tones were replaced with the voice of Lady Gaga, and Scott remembered how Tessa had played every version of the song ever recorded during the road trip they took after the Olympics. Following their return to Canada, and the seemingly never ending parade of interviews and appearances, he had begged her for some time alone; he’d always hated the question dodging and the pretense and having to be so careful about what he said. It had started to get to him even before they returned home, but it got worse the minute they touched down. He’d just wanted time alone with her; to reenter the bubble they’d enjoyed so much during the comeback. He’d wanted to escape somewhere away from it all, somewhere they weren’t known. Of course, she’d been right, just like she always was about the things that affected their image and brand, they couldn’t afford to take off at such a lucrative time -he’d always hated that word and at that time she’d use it to convince him that everything she suggested was the best for them. Although, he knew she’d been right about the dangers of appearing travelling together when there was no event for them to be tracked to. She’d suggested a road trip - for old time’s sake - and he’d taken it over the alternative of being locked beneath the gaze of cameras and the constant Twitter posts. 

The song ended and the show’s host’s voice transported Scott’s thoughts to the present and the lighted sign that told him their motel was just a few miles away. He applied more pressure to the gas pedal until he was at the turning for the motel’s car park. He pulled the car smoothly into a space and turned the engine off. A stillness fell over the car as he looked through the night’s darkness and towards the soft orange lights glowing from the windows. He’d paid for the room ahead of their arrival and been emailed a code for entry, so all that stood between him and the chicken salad and bottle of beer that was safely stowed in the car’s trunk, was his ability to transfer Nate from his car seat to the motel room without waking him up. He opened his car door and went to the back of the car in order to begin the careful extraction. 

After loading himself with their night essentials and the sleeping Nate, Scott successfully keyed the door’s code into the pad that sat on the wall beside room twenty three. Scott held Nate around the waist as he pushed the door open with his right foot to reveal a comfortable room with a light left on low to welcome them. He managed to shrug his backpack off his shoulders and onto the bed without causing Nate to stir. The cot that he had requested for Nate had been set up next to his bed, and he gave the bedding a quick once over before carefully lowering Nate into it and pulling the covers over his already pajama clad body. He sighed a quiet sigh of relief as he saw Nate settle into the comfort of his cot and, with a smile on his face, fall deeper into sleep. Scott felt a smile spread across his own face as he watched his son dream. He left the side of the cot and headed over to the bathroom to see whether there was a need for him to set up the baby monitors he had packed into their backpack; with Nate in the same room as him, the only time he would need to leave him alone was whilst he took a much needed bath in order to ease his aching back. Once opened, the bathroom door provided Scott with a clear line of sight and sound into the bedroom and Nate’s cot. He smiled happily when he saw the bathroom’s large bath tub, and he set it filling before unpacking their night time essentials. He arranged phone chargers, clothes, Nate’s night time drink of water and his own bottle of water before using the bottle opener on his key ring to open the bottle of beer he’d bought to enjoy with his dinner. The cool liquid quenched a thirst he wasn’t aware he had, and he silently chastised himself for not buying more than a single bottle. He checked Nate’s cot on his way past as he headed for the steamy bathroom and the promise of a warm and relaxing bath. He placed the bottle of beer on the tub’s edge as he pulled his t-shirt over his head and peeled his trousers from his legs. The water had quickly filled the tub, and he checked the temperature before adding some cold and slipping his boxer briefs down his legs to meet the pile of clothes that lay at his feet. The warm water eased his muscles instantaneously, and he felt the tension start to run in rivulets from his shoulders, down the lengths of his arms and into his fingertips. He flexed his fingers as he let the long drive pass into the water around him. He breathed deeply and allowed the wet air around him to clean the arguments with Jena from his chest. The back of his head found the tub’s support and his eyes closed and took him back to the road trip that had been swilling through his subconscious mind since he’d pulled out of his driveway. 

**March 2018**

_“Better than being in a TV studio?” Tessa smiled as they both leaned forward to clink their beer bottles together. _

_“Infinitely,” Scott smiled with his eyes as he settled back against his end of the bathtub without breaking eye contact with her. He loved the way the tendrils of hair that had escaped from her top knot were slowly starting to curl in the humidity; they reminded him of the day they’d walked China’s Great Wall and made the greatest decision of their lives - the decision that had brought her back to him. They just needed for the hype and the high of their win to die down and then they could start on what he knew would be the rest of their lives together and the best part of his life. Knowing that, despite all that had achieved, the best was still yet to come was something that filled him with immeasurable joy. _

_“I’m glad you suggested we take some time out,” Tessa sipped at the cold beer in her right hand as she spoke. Her left hand found his leg beneath the bubbly water and she ran her fingers slowly along his shin. _

_“I think we needed it.”_

_“We did,” her fingers lazily danced towards his thigh. She knew that the back to back interviews were tough for him, and there were times she felt she was forcing him into them, but she knew that time spent building their brand now would pay off later on when they announced the tour they were planning on taking across Canada and then, after that, when the interest in them died down and they needed to earn a living outside of skating. _

_“Having time with you is all I want, T,” he pushed himself up from the bath’s support and moved towards her, “you know I don’t like sharing,” his voice was low as he placed a kiss on the corner of her mouth as he spoke, “and now that we’re home it feels like everyone gets you but me!”_

_Tessa reached out to him and pulled him between her legs so that she could hold him against her. His back made contact with her torso and he slipped comfortably into the water in front of her._

_“I promise,” she spoke into his ear, “you get me more than them all,” she nibbled at the damp skin of his shoulder as her hands slid around his hips and between his legs. _

_She felt him arch back into her as her hands found his erection already waiting for her. She stroked his balls slowly, keeping his body in the state of wanting that she knew he loved. Her lips covered his broad shoulders with open mouthed kisses as she showed him that there was a part of her that no one but him got. _

Scott’s eyes flew open at the feeling of his hardness. He sat up quickly and took a long swig of his cold beer as he threw the thoughts quickly from his mind, hopped out of the bath and wrapped himself in a towel. If the thought of dealing with the hard cock between his legs entered his mind, he didn’t allow it to linger, and instead headed for the bedroom and the totally asexual satisfaction of chicken salad. 

Their baths had started with aching muscles in Montreal and their Olympic dream had ended with them bathing with their gold medals hanging from their necks in Tessa’s Pyeongchang hotel room in the bath that he would go on to buy and install in his Florida home in a move that would, at first seem sentimental, and in the end prove to be a missed sign of the mistakes he would learn he had made. 

*******

It was almost lunchtime the following day when they reached Ilderton and stopped by a roadside flower seller to get a bunch of flowers for Alma. The day was fine and as Scott stepped from the car he felt the air of his hometown fill his lungs. It amazed him how even the air felt different in Florida; it had a warm thickness to it that was stifling and left him feeling drained and dry. In Ilderton the air was comforting and cool. It seemed to drift through him of its own accord without the need for him to suck it into his body and will it to circulate. He picked a bunch of tulips; their vivid colours reminded him of the apron his mother wore in the kitchen when they were younger. The yellows and pinks were bold and confident against the thick green stems that were holding them upright and he was struck for a moment by the perfect unions that nature created; the stem that held the flower, the wings that bore the bird, the seas that lay open to their rivers. He wondered why such unions in nature were so strong and so long lasting. It struck him then that they were unions of dependance; they were partnerships in the true sense of the word. 

“You want me to wrap those, Scott?”

Josie Cramer’s voice brought him back to the present and the flowers he was holding. 

“Sure,” he smiled, “thanks Josie.”

“Great,” the older woman smiled as she took the bunch of flowers from Scott’s hands and wrapped them in a sheet of dark paper, “it’s good to see you back, Scott,” she smiled as she handed Scott the bunch of flowers and his change. 

Alma received the flowers gratefully, but it was her son and grandson that were the real gifts. She had become used to them being around the house again on their recent visits, and had missed them terribly once they had returned to Florida. She knew that Scott was going through more than he had told her about, and she hoped that being at home might help him to come to some peace with his situation, and to share his thoughts and his pain with the people who loved him. As his mother, she felt happier knowing that he was under her roof rather than in Florida, alone and upset. 

“It’s good to have you back son,” Joe patted his youngest on the back as he uncapped two cold beers and passed one to Scott. 

“It’s good to be back,” Scott smiled as his dad passed him the welcome cold bottle. He wondered briefly whether his father’s words were aimed purely at his latest visit home, or at the idea that his son’s future could see him back home for good. Scott didn’t allow the question to linger in his mind for too long because doing so would require him to give the idea some thought himself, and that was something he simply couldn’t do. 

They spent the afternoon playing with Nate and chatting about their neighbours and family. There was a welcome absence of questions about Scott’s plans, his future and his dissolving marriage. He marvelled at how being at home with his parents was the place that he felt safe. Sitting on the carpet of his childhood home with his mom and his son made him feel calm and safe. It was as if nothing could penetrate the peace and happiness and that nothing was big enough or strong enough to destroy the perfection and salvation offered by his family. 

“I think I am going to turn in for an early night,” Scott yawned as he pulled Nate from his high chair after dinner, “I’ll give him a bath and then turn in myself.”

“I’ll bath him,” Joe took Nate from Scott’s arms, “you’ve had a long drive over the past few days. Get yourself some rest.”

“Thanks, Dad,” Scott smiled as he handed Nate over, “I’ll grab his pajamas.”

Scott went to grab Nate’s bag as Joe took Nate upstairs and towards the bathroom. After dropping the pajamas into the bathroom so that Joe had everything at hand, Scott headed for his bedroom and a few moments alone. 

He looked in the mirror at the lines around his eyes. He had never been one to worry obsess over his looks, and rarely indulged in face creams or other treatments. However, when they were competing and touring, Tessa had always travelled with a face cream for him that made his skin feel light and refreshed when he was stressed and tired. He ran his finger over the lines that had formed around his eyes. He wondered whether he could get the name of the cream from Tessa. 

“All done,” Joe said softly as he entered the bedroom with Nate in his arms, “we made it a speedy one,” he explained as he headed towards Nate’s cot, “we’ve got a very sleepy guy on our hands here.”

Nate went into his cot with ease as his tired eyes and body sought the comfort of sleep.

“He was falling asleep as I washed his hair,” Joe smiled down at his grandson as he watched the little boy close his eyes. 

“He’s been so good,” Scott joined his dad at the edge of Nate’s cot, “his first road trip.”

“He’s a good boy,” Joe smiled down at the toddler as he fell into a deep sleep, “he’s got a good dad at his side,” Joe looked up at his son, “he’s a lucky boy,” Joe patted his son on the back as he spoke. 

“Thanks, dad,” Scott’s voice was softened by both emotion and tiredness. 

Joe, knowing that Scott would open up when he needed to, left his son with a warm smile and wishes for a peaceful night before heading out of the room and back downstairs. 

With the lights dimmed in the room and the soft sound of Nate’s breathing for comfort, Scott stripped down to his boxers and slid into bed. He felt his tired body sink into the soft support of the mattress beneath him. He exhaled slowly and let his head fall back onto the pillow beneath it. He closed his eyes and felt the moistness of his eyelids sooth his tired eyes. With the silence and darkness filling him, his mind turned back to the motel room he had been in just a few years before. 

**March 2018**

_ The TV hummed quietly in the background as they lay back in bed enjoying the post-orgasmic stillness that had fallen over them both. Tessa’s head rested on Scott’s chest and her fingers were gently stroking circles at his hip. He loved the feel of her body on his after they’d had sex. He liked the weight of her head on his chest, he liked knowing that she was there, that they were joined together. It was a sense of peace that could not be created by anything else. It was as if they were connected by an invisible force that the union of their bodies uncovered. He felt closer to her as they lay together after sex than he did when he was inside her. There was something more intimate, more passionate and more real about the closeness they shared once they had come inside, around and for each other than could be felt in any other part of their relationship. _

_“Remember the first time we did that?” Tessa’s voice reached him from beneath the stillness of the room. _

_“Yeah,” he smiled down at her as his hand found a loose strand of her hair and he twisted it around his fingers, “that was a long time ago.”_

_“It was,” she smiled back as she left a soft kiss on his bare chest, “we’ve had a lot of sex since then.”_

_“In a lot of different places.”_

_“In a lot of countries.”_

_“In a lot of different positions!” he wiggled his eyebrows as shared memories of their sexual adventures flashed through their individual minds. _

_“True,” Tessa’s smirk joined his eyebrows in a mischievous dance, “you were so careful,” her voice was filled with the past, “so gentle.”_

_“It felt like a big step.”_

_“It was a big step.”_

_“No regrets, though?” Tessa asked. _

_“Not a single one,” Scott replied as he pulled her body closer to his and wrapped his arm around her. _

_As they lay there thinking about the past, he couldn’t help but allow his mind to run into the future. He thought about the girly pink blanket from the bottom of her childhood bed that they had laid wrapped in after he’d come inside her for the first time. He’d known then, somewhere deep inside of his heart, that there would be no one else he’d fit so perfectly with, that there would never be another woman inside of whom he would feel so complete. He hadn’t known then the road that he would take to the moment he found himself in. He hadn’t known then that there would be many women beneath him, on top of him, calling his name as he emptied into them, but that it would all, in the end, lead back to her and to the sense of completion that only she could offer him. His mind left the past; the heartache, the pain, the other women, the undefined relationship that they had been in for years as they pushed and pulled at each other, and into the future and the way in which he would hold her and stroke her hair and feel complete as they lay, on their wedding night, in the bed that they’d had sex in for the first time as man and wife. He looked down at the fingers that were now drawing lines up and down the length of his torso and imagined his grandmother’s sapphire ring - the one he kept in a box at the back of his sock drawer - sitting on the hand’s delicate finger. _

*******

“Grandma is going to take you to kids’ club today,” Scott informed Nate as he helped his son to put his shoes on. 

“Grandma car?” Nate didn’t stop watching his dad secure the velcro on his shoes as he spoke. 

“Yes,” Scott replied, “in Grandma’s car.” 

Alma had offered to take Nate into London and drop him off at the kids’ club as she had planned to meet with a friend for lunch. Scott had eagerly taken her up on the offer as it gave him the opportunity to get some much needed time at Ilderton’s only gym. If he was aware of his own avoidance of London and the kids’ club, he didn’t allow himself to recognise it. 

“Ready?” Alma bounced into the hallway. 

“Good job!” Nate bounced to his feet and headed for the door. Scott smiled as he watched his son fill with excitement. 

“Thanks for taking him,” Scott stood at the door next to his mom as she prepared to leave. 

“My pleasure,” Alma smiled at her son, “enjoy some time to yourself.”

“I will,” Scott placed a kiss on Nate’s head before his mom and son headed out of the door. 

*******  
Scott stepped onto the treadmill and pushed the upward arrow key to start the belt moving. He felt the movement beneath his feet and his legs started to keep pace with it. Turning his phone over in his hand, he unlocked the screen in order to navigate to his workout playlist. He set the pace at a fast walk and allowed his mind to empty. His body worked automatically as his brain sent signals to his legs. He increased the pace by pushing on the green arrow on the control pad. He increased to a steady jog and felt the tension leave his shoulders. He focused on the pounding of his feet on the belt and allowed his mind to wander. His mind took him to Jena, to his marriage, to the mess and pain and suffering. As he increased the speed of the treadmill the anger tore through him. Torrents of blame and fury streaked through him as his feet pounded against the machine. He was angry for all the arguments she’d started, for all the times she’d made him feel inadequate, all the pain, the suffering, the sleepless nights and the tears he’d shed in the dark. He increased the speed once more. Sweat was dripping from his forehead as he ran through his anger. The speed and the ferocity of his action prevented him from thinking about the real reason for his anger. Stopped him from acknowledging the unanswered text on his phone and and his avoidance of Tessa. He had pushed her, he knew that now. He knew he was pushing her when he’d texted her to ask what she had meant that afternoon in the car park, but his need to understand what she had meant, to clear his mind of the thoughts of the way she had comforted him on the bench that afternoon had driven him to ask. He wasn’t running from Jena, or from his anger with her. He was running from the pain of being rejected by Tessa and from the knowledge that there was someone else loving her, someone who was not him. Out loud, without the sound of the blood beating around his body and the sweat stinging his eyes, he was happy for Tessa and Ava. He was happy that they were happy and that Tessa had someone to share her life with. Inside, he was howling with a raging jealousy that had the potential to destroy him.   
He pulled the stop cord on the treadmill and jumped off it. He grabbed his bag from the bench next to him and headed straight for the gym’s doors and the fresh air beyond them. His storming feet took him out into the fresh air. He headed down the sidewalk and towards a track that wound through one of the many fields that bordered the town. They were fields he’d walked throughout his life - with girlfriends he’d brought home to meet his parents, with his brothers, his grandparents, with Tessa. He’d walked through expectation, pain, happiness and disappointment, but the feeling lodged in his chest as he stomped the path with angry feet was one that was alien to him. It was alien because it was so confused. He couldn’t pinpoint the emotion that swirled inside of him. In moments it felt like anger, and then resentment. Sometimes it flowered into hate; hard black petals opening to the sun and filling his mind with a feeling so intense that it felt as if it might rip his chest open. His blood ran hot and thick as the soles of his feet pounded the hard earth beneath them. As he walked through his anger, pursuing it through the thickening fields, a complex mix of emotion boiling on the surface of his mind, the real source of his discomfort crashed against the underside of his being. The roar of jealousy that had been such a staple of his life for so long was battling to be freed and allowed to wash over him. It was relentless, but unsuccessful - his mind protected itself from the reality of it as it knew that once unleashed there would be no way back. Once Scott acknowledged that Ava was the undertow of his mind, sitting ready to pull him beneath the waves that would drown him, he would be powerless to pull himself out of the water and grasp at the air above. She sat at depths that he could not allow himself to encounter. His anger at Jena kept him on dry land. Eventually his steps began to slow and the slap of his shoes on the ground beneath him became less violent. The exhaustion of anger brought him down from the dizzying heights of his emotion and he felt himself start to breathe more easily. He rubbed his palms across his face as the fatigue engulfed him. He pleaded for an end to the torture of his suffering, he asked the universe to stop the constant stream of thoughts in his mind and the nagging sense of the unresolved that lived beneath his every moment. As he turned back towards town, and his parents’ house, he knew that there was no cosmic intervention to wait for; no divine resolution to his situation. He was the one who could stop the pain that gnawed at him day and night - it was time for him to face the full reality of the end of his marriage and set in motion the dissolution of his life with Jena. 

*******

Scott set the baby monitor down on the coffee table as he settled onto the sofa with the rest of his half drunk bottle of beer. 

“Did he go down ok?” Alma asked from the armchair across the room. 

“Straight away,” Scott smiled in response, “kids’ club wore him out, I think.”

“He and Ollie were running around the playground when I arrived to pick him up,” Alma smiled. 

Scott nodded. He hadn’t asked anything about the kids’ club when his mom had arrived home with Nate. He hadn’t wanted to hear that Tessa had been there to pick Ollie up and not asked about him. 

“Kate was there picking Ollie up,” Alma kept her voice as neutral as possible as she answered the question she knew her son was burning to ask, “she said hi.”

Scott nodded and smiled - the exact non-reaction that Alma had anticipated. She watched her son take another swig of beer. 

“Washing up complete,” Joe entered the living room with a cheery smile and two bottles of beer - one for himself, and another for Scott. 

“Cheers,” Scott smiled as his dad set the beer down in front of him before settling into his favoured armchair. 

“Watch a rerun of the game?” Joe asked. 

“Actually,” Scott felt his palms begin to sweat slightly, “I wanted to talk to you both.”

At his son’s words, Joe placed the TV remote on the side table, game forgotten, and turned his attention to his son. 

“Of course,” Alma’s smile was soft and inviting. 

“Well,” Scott took a deep breath and a swig of his beer, “you know that Jena and I are struggling,” he felt his heart begin to beat more quickly in his chest as he started to give words to the situation he found himself in, “that’s been clear to see. I told you, when I was here last, that we were taking some time apart to think about our relationship.”

Joe and Alma both nodded along to Scott’s words with soft and comforting smiles on their faces. They understood the importance of allowing their son to talk freely and to take his time in explaining to them, and to himself, what he was thinking and feeling. 

“We talked again when I went back to Florida,” Scott explained, “and I think it is clear to us both now that there is no future for us,” Scott paused for a moment to steady his voice, “that there is no future for our marriage,” he felt his voice begin to tremble as he spoke, and he cleared his throat gently before continuing, “Jena has gone back to Germany, and we have decided to take this time to work out how we move forward from this point. How we,” Scott inhaled deeply, “how we start the divorce proceedings,” he clarified for everyone in the room, including himself, “and how we go about making decisions about Nate.” 

A silence fell following the mention of Nate. 

“We want to be fair,” Scott continued in response to the silence, “to him and to each other as his parents.”

Alma and Joe left their son time to think and to sit. They had questions of their own, of course, but knew that none of them were as important as the questions that were crowding Scott’s mind. 

“Jena has gone back to Germany for a few weeks,” Scott explained, “and when she gets back we have decided that we are going to live apart. We need to try to make some sort of routine and normality around Nate.”

Alma nodded. 

“Of course,” Scott took a deep breath as he spoke, “Jena wants us to live apart but remain in Florida.”

“And you?”

“I want to come home,” his voice was that which spoke down the line to Alma in the dead of night when he was in Canton. It was the voice that she listened to as she huddled beneath the sheets of her bed and listened to her son fall asleep after he’d had a tough day at the rink, an argument with Tessa or failed a fitness assessment, “I want to be here,” he explained, “I want Nate to be here. I want him to be around people who can teach him kindness and joy and love him like he needs to be loved.”

“Have you talked to Jena about how you feel?”

“No,” Scott grabbed the fresh bottle of beer that his father had put on the table, “I need to be calm and co-operative if this is going to work for us all,” he explained, “plus, I don’t want to take Nate away from her. Through all of this, I have only ever wanted what is best for Nate, we both have.”

“And Ilderton,” Joe asked slowly, “is that best for Nate, or for you?”

Scott looked into the beer bottle as he thought, “me,” he replied finally. 

“And that’s ok,” Alma said softly, “you want things to work for Nate, of course you do,” she offered, “but things working for Nate; Nate being happy and free and connected to life can’t happen if he has a deeply unhappy parent.”

“It’s not about me,” Scott replied quickly, “it’s not about my happiness.”

“Of course it is,” Joe smiled, “you don’t have to be the sacrifice in this Scott - no one does. This has to work for everyone involved.”

“Taking Nate away from where he was born, from his mom, is not going to work for him,” Scott’s mind was struggling with the barrage of thoughts that were now engulfing it. 

“It’s a difficult situation,” Alma legitimised her son’s confusion, “nothing stays the same forever. Who is to say that Jena won’t want to move at some point, that her life will change? Decisions can only be made for the moment, Scott,” she informed her son with care, “you can’t predict a future that you have no control over. You need to make decisions that are the best right now, that is all you can focus on, all you can influence; the now.” 

Scott felt his mom’s words fill him. He thought about the decisions he had made in the past that he thought would last forever, decisions that allowed him to play out a future in his mind. His marriage to Jena had been right at the time, and he had thought that it would last forever. His current situation was proof of his mom’s words - that decisions only affected the moment in which they were made, and that the future was unknown. 

“I just don’t know what to do for the best,” he felt tears begin to well in his eyes as he lowered his head, “I feel pulled in so many directions,” he explained, “Jena, Nate, Florida, home, Te…,” he caught the final word before he said it, “everything,” he clarified, “everything is so confusing and I just feel exhausted by it all.”

“And that’s ok, son,” Joe smiled as he spoke and ignored the unmistakable reference to the woman that Alma and Joe knew lay beneath the surface of their son’s predicament, “it’s ok to feel overwhelmed by it, and it’s ok to feel confused. You’re in a tough situation and everything within you is screaming at you to try to control it and limit the pain, but sometimes the only thing that is really needed is time and healing.”

“Give yourself a break, Scott,” Alma added to her husband’s words, “you need to heal and to feel the emotions that are running through you. Just like physical wounds need time, so does the healing of your soul. It’s not something you can wish into mending, and it’s not something that you can rush. Give your spirit some time. Just ‘be’ for now - here, with us, with the people who love you and support you and can give you the space and time that you need.”

Scott sniffled as he nodded. His mother’s words helped to lift the weight that was sitting on his shoulders. He heard her words and knew, intellectually, that she was right. He now needed to allow himself time to feel that she was right and allow, as she said, himself to heal. 

“I know you’re right,” Scott smiled weakly, “and I am so glad that I’ve told you. So glad that I am here, at home, with you.”

“This will always be your home, Scott,” Joe smiled, “you know that. And we will always be here.”

*******

Tessa felt the creamy suds of the shampoo slip between her fingers as she massaged it into Ava’s wet hair. She pushed her fingertips into her girlfriend’s soft scalp and moved them in slow, careful circles. Ava sighed deeply as Tessa added the stream from the hand-held shower head to her gentle massaging. 

“I’m really looking forward to dinner,” Ava’s words came from beneath the sound of the water. She knew that Tessa was anxious about the dinner with Kate, and she wanted to try to put her at ease. 

“Me too,” Tessa’s voice rang out, “my mom is going to really like you.”

“Well, if her tastes are as good as her daughter’s,” Ava turned as she spoke so that she was facing Tessa, their wet and naked bodies touching beneath the shower’s stream of warm water, “I will be a sure hit,” she smiled and winked. 

“Jordan will be there too,” Tessa informed Ava as she started slowly rubbing soap into her girlfriend’s skin, paying close attention to the stretch of skin just beneath her breasts, “so there will be another familiar face.”

Ava smiled and nodded as she soaped her own hands and rubbed down the length of Tessa’s body, “and when she asks me what my hobbies are,” Ava’s hand moved to soaping Tessa’s hips, “should I share my interest in fucking her daughter and then soaping her up in the shower?”

Tessa blushed slightly at Ava’s words as she thought of her sharing something so private with her mother, “perhaps stick to the more socially acceptable hobbies on the first meeting,” Tessa smiled as she felt Ava’s fingers massage the skin of her ass, “you know, reading, walking that kind of thing.”

“Yeah,” Ava’s fingers made their way to Tessa’s breasts as she pushed her gently against the shower’s glass wall, “probably safer,” she agreed with a smile as she dipped her head to take a nipple into her mouth. She felt Tessa moan beneath her as she sucked lightly. Her fingers traced their way down her girlfriend’s thigh before she used her hand to push her legs apart before pushing two curled fingers inside the warmth of Tessa’s body that she was starting to feel addicted to, “I won’t tell her about how good this feels,” Ava’s eyes met Tessa’s as she spoke, her fingers moving slowly and gently inside of her. 

“Too much information,” Tessa agreed as she felt her breath begin to catch as Ava’s fingers worked her. 

“I won’t tell her how hot her daughter looks when I push my fingers this deep,” Ava’s voice dropped as she pushed her fingers further into Tessa and watched her gasp at the warm, humid air of the shower. 

“Not really dinner table conversation,” Tessa’s voice was thin as she struggled to keep her focus on the words she wanted to say. 

Ava used her free hand to begin massaging Tessa’s engorged and wet clit, “and this,” the brunette husked as she enjoyed watching her girlfriend melt in her hands, “do you want me to tell your mom how much you love this?”

Tessa’s response was lost to the wave of pleasure that ripped through her and tore a deep groan from her chest. As she came, Ava pushed her fingers deeper and intensified the feeling that had Tessa panting and sliding down the wet shower wall as her knees buckled beneath her. Ava held her as she recovered from the high. 

“Definitely no mention of that,” Tessa’s glazed eyes met with Ava’s before her lips left a soft kiss on hers. 

“At least not until the second dinner date,” Ava smiled back mischievously.

Tessa, still riding the wave of euphoria and pleasure that was pulsing through her body, could do little but smile in response. 

As they exited the shower and wrapped themselves in large white fluffy towels, Ava pulled Tessa towards her own body and wrapped her arms around her, “I’m really happy to be meeting your mom,” she smiled as she made clear eye contact with Tessa, “I know it’s a big step for you,” she smiled with her eyes, “thank you.”

Tessa responded by placing her lips against Ava’s and pulling them into a gentle kiss, “you’re welcome,” she smiled sweetly, “I am glad you’re meeting her too.”

Less than an hour later, the two women were stood at Kate’s front door, Ava with a bouquet of flowers in her arms that she had insisted on getting to give to Kate. Tessa kept her key to the front door in her bag and allowed Ava to ring the doorbell. She understood the level of formality that Ava needed from the start of the evening, and she was more than happy to let her have it. 

“Hi,” Kate’s smiling face and warm welcome created a sense of ease as she welcomed Tessa and Ava into the hallway. 

“Hi,” Ava smiled at Kate as she handed her the bouquet of flowers, “thank you for inviting me to dinner.”

“These are lovely,” Kate’s smile showed just how much she valued Ava’s gesture, “thank you very much.”

“You’re welcome,” Ava relaxed as she felt the warmth radiate from Kate. 

“Come through,” Kate motioned for Ava to follow her into the lounge and the bottle of wine that she had already uncorked for the three of them to share. 

Ava inhaled as she followed Kate into the lounge. The apprehension she’d hidden from Tessa on the taxi drive over to Kate’s house fell away as she realised that Kate was as kind and friendly as her daughter. 

“Red or white?” Kate asked as she motioned to the wine on the coffee table.   
“Red, thank you,” Ava replied as she took a seat on the sofa next to Tessa. Kate poured three large glasses of wine before handing Tessa and Ava their drinks and taking her seat. 

“This is lovely wine,” Ava smiled at Kate after taking a sip from the glass. 

“It is, isn’t it,” Kate replied after taking a sip herself, “Tessa ordered it for me after your wine tasting at Marie and Patrice’s party.”

“Oh, yes,” Ava smiled, “we tasted a lot of nice wine that weekend.”

“We did,” Tessa agreed. 

“I ordered some of the white wine for my mom, actually,” Ava informed Kate, “I am not sure whether she has tried it yet, though.”

“Do you live close to your parents?” Kate enquired, happy at the opportunity to move the conversation to something more personal than wine. 

“Yes,” Ava nodded as she sipped at the wine, “they live in Toronto. They are still in the same house that I grew up in.”

“And you live in Toronto, too?”

“I do,” Ava replied, “I have an apartment in the city.”

“And how do you like London?” Kate asked, “not quite as exciting, I am sure.”

“Not as busy,” Ava smiled, “but it has its attractions,” she resisted the temptation to throw a wink in Tessa’s direction after her comment. She could feel her start to slowly relax beside her, and she didn’t want to do anything to make her tense up, “I must admit,” Ava kept the conversation alive, “I hadn’t been to London before I met Tessa and Jordan. I’d had no real need to, but now I am actually working with a client here, so I am here quite a bit.”

“What do you do for work?” Kate remembered Jordan telling her that Ava worked for a publishing house, but she wanted to give Ava the chance to tell her about herself, plus, she didn’t want the young woman to think that she had been discussed and judged before she’d been invited to dinner. 

“I work for a publishing company,” Ava replied with a smile, “they have quite a few different interests and departments, and I work for the arm of the company that produces text books and literature around law.”

“I see,” Kate nodded, “that’s your connection to Jordan.”

“It is,” Ava smiled, “we were doing some work with an associate of hers and I was invited to an event her company organised,” Ava explained, “as was Tessa,” she smiled wide in Tessa’s direction. 

“So that’s how you two met?” Kate smiled, happy for the conversation to be moving on to the creation of her daughter’s new relationship. 

“We were seated at the same table,” Tessa explained to her mother, “I think we were the only people not debating cases and laws and protocols.”

“Get a group of lawyers together and they can’t help but get into a debate,” Kate chuckled. 

“It was nice to have someone to talk books and shoes with,” Ava braved a fleeting touch on Tessa’s arm as she spoke. 

“Sorry I’m late!”

“Speak of the devil,” Kate turned to see Jordan looking flustered and heavily laden as she swept into the living room to join them. 

“Ted was called into work at short notice,” Jordan explained as she began to shed the load she was carrying, “so we have extra company for dinner,” she explained as she placed Ollie on the floor and watched him make a bee line for his grandmother. 

“Hello, sweetie,” Kate’s face lit up as Ollie climbed onto her lap, “this is a nice surprise. I wasn’t expecting to see you until tomorrow” she cooed as she dropped a kiss onto her grandson’s soft forehead. 

“Is it still ok for you to have him tomorrow night?” Jordan was quick to ask. She had a night out planned with a few of her old college friends, and she relying on Kate to look after Ollie so that she didn’t need to worry about getting back from Toronto with a hangover. 

“Of course,” Kate smiled, “don’t worry, you’re night out is not in jeopardy - you know I love looking after him!” 

“Good job!” Ollie’s reply drew a giggle from the women in the room as Jordan helped herself to a glass of wine. 

“Hey,” Jordan smiled at Ava as she took a seat in a nearby armchair, “how are you?”

“I’m good,” Ava smiled in reply, her words and smile letting Jordan know that everything was going well. 

“We were just discussing how Ava and Tessa met,” Kate informed Jordan as she crossed the room to pull out Ollie’s box of toys before depositing them on the rug in the middle of the room. 

“Right,” Jordan’s breathing returned to a normal, steady pace as she settled into her chair glass of wine and the conversation, “around a table of arguing lawyers,” she smiled. 

“We used the word ‘debate’,” Ava smiled. 

“No,” Jordan smiled, “debating is needed in order to change lives, arguing is just lawyers getting their egos out at the dinner table!”

“Do you have any siblings, Ava?” Kate asked as she settled Ollie amongst his toys and made her way back to her seat. 

“No,” Ava replied, “there’s just me. My mom and dad did a lot of travelling before they settled down to have a family, and once they’d had me they felt they were too old to have another child. We were a happy little trio.”

“I see,” Kate nodded. 

“Different to growing up with two brothers!” Jordan informed her. 

“Having boys in the house was frustrating at times,” Tessa agreed with her sister. 

“Especially when they were teenagers,” Kate added, “teenage boys are a species all of their own!”

“Oh don’t remind me,” Jordan took a gulp of her wine as she looked down at Ollie, who was engrossed in creating a tower with his building blocks, “he is growing up so quickly, but he is still cuddly and cute at the moment. He will be grumpy and grunty before we know it!”

“I don’t know,” Tessa joined the conversation, “in my experience teenage girls are far worse.”

“Excuse me,” Jordan’s mock offence carried across the room, “I think you’ll find I was a very pleasant teenager.”

“I was thinking more of the starving, competition driven horrors I grew up with,” Tessa smiled back at her sister. 

“Oh, skaters,” Jordan replied casually, “yeah, they’re awful!” she teased. 

“Ice rinks are full of bitches,” Kate said casually. 

“Mom!” Jordan nodded in Ollie’s direction. 

“Opps,” Kate smiled as she widened her eyes, “he’s too interested in his blocks,” she informed Jordan, “he didn’t hear.”

“You’re right, though,” Jordan nodded in Kate’s direction as she took a sip from her glass, “there are some real mean girls in the skating world.”

“It’s just the competition,” Tessa reasoned, “when you’re being brought up as a competitor, and you’re being told that winning is everything, everyone becomes your enemy.”

“Everyone becomes a threat,” Ava’s words showed her understanding. 

“Everyone becomes someone else to beat,” Tessa put it simply. 

“That must have been tough,” Ava’s comment was to Tessa. Although Tessa had told her about her career, about the Olympics and the things she’d won, she had never really delved into telling her what her life was like as she trained and prepared. She was interested to learn about a new area of Tessa’s life; to be allowed further into the world of the woman she was becoming slowly pulled into. 

“It was,” Tessa agreed, “but it was also the climate you needed to push yourself. The truth is that to get to the top, to be in the very small percentage of people who win gold medals, you have to be the best. A lot of being the best is about skill and technique and training, but so much more of it is about mentality. You have to want to win more than anything else. When you’re pushing your body to the limit everyday, living away from your family and missing out on the things you know every other teenager is doing, you need a reason and a motivation. You have to want to be the best at all costs, and to do that you have to almost isolate yourself from everyone else. You have to become totally focused and you have to defeat anything that you perceive as being a barrier to getting to the top, and that includes the people around you.”

“That’s why I was always grateful that you weren’t a singles skater,” Kate told Tessa, “I think that would have been even more isolating.”

A momentary silence fell across the room as Scott entered it without being physically present. 

“I think it’s time we ate,” Jordan announced as Ollie crawled up her legs and into her lap, “or we will spend the rest of our evening with a grizzly bear on our hands.”

“Good idea,” Kate jumped into action, grateful for her daughter’s intervention after she’d made the conversation slightly uncomfortable for Tessa and Ava, “I’ll go and warm dinner, you girls get comfy at the table.”

Kate left the living room, wine in hand, and headed towards the kitchen to prepare the food. 

“I’ll just get him into his pajamas before we eat,” Jordan informed Ava and Tessa as she put Ollie on her hip and headed out of the room, “less crying at bedtime, then,” she explained as she exited the room. 

Tessa and Ava were left alone in the silence of the empty room. 

“Ok?” Ava smiled across the silence. 

“Good,” Tessa smiled back. It didn’t escape her notice that Ava was checking in with her when it should have been the other way around, “I’m fine,” she widened her smile in order to show Ava that she was happy and comfortable, “are you ok?” she stepped closer to her. 

“I’m great,” Ava replied with sincerity, “your mom is really lovely.”

“She is,” Tessa agreed with a smile. 

“She has really put me at ease,” Ava explained as she took a sip of wine from her glass, “it’s relaxed and she is easy to talk to.”

“I don’t want you to feel under some kind of test,” Tessa moved closer to Ava and reached out for her left hand. She brushed her fingers along the back of Ava’s hand before entwining their fingers. 

“And I don’t,” Ava assured Tessa as she squeezed their hands together lightly, “I am really happy to be here,” she looked into Tessa’s eyes as she spoke to let her know that she acknowledged the closeness of their hearts and hands. She could feel Tessa slowly unfurling before her and it made her heart grow with love and confidence, “I’m happy to be here with you,” she stepped into Tessa’s personal space, leaving nothing between their bodies, “I’m happy to be with you,” she whispered as she left a kiss on Tessa’s cheek. The words ran deep; they were connected to so much more than just the moment they were in and the dinner they were about to eat. They spoke of a love that was growing inside of Ava. A love that was growing with increasing abundance and at a startling rate. 

Jordan chatted away to Ollie as she placed him into his high chair. The toddler was beginning to grumble a little as his tiredness grew, but the thought of food settled him a little. He knew that dinner at his grandma’s usually involved ice cream - something that his parents rationed far more than he liked. 

Kate arrived at the table with a steaming casserole dish, “a family favourite,” she announced as she placed the pot of chicken, broccoli and cheese onto the table. 

“Looks amazing,” Ava commented as the plates were handed around. 

“Mom’s a great cook,” Tessa informed Ava as Kate scooped generous helpings onto their plates. 

“Not a talent that transferred to either of us, unfortunately,” Jordan smiled. 

“Neither of my girls know how to so much as boil an egg,” Kate’s voice carried a tone that told Ava she had long ago resigned herself to having raised two daughters who were never going to be chefs. 

“I can poach an egg!” Tessa corrected Kate. 

“Dropping an egg into a pan of boiling water hardly counts as cooking,” Jordan reminded her sister. She wasn’t willing to have her little sister outstriping her in the kitchen skills department. 

“It’s more advanced than working the microwave!” Tessa threw back at her sister. 

“Which,” Ava’s voice carried the mischief she was aiming for, “your youngest daughter finds somewhat of a challenge at times.”

“Ha!” Jordan poked her finger in Tessa’s direction, “you’re no better at cooking than I am!” she accused in jest. It was on the tip of Jordan’s tongue to point out how Scott always cooked for her when they were living together, but she knew better than to create an awkward situation at the dinner table. 

“Do you enjoy cooking, Ava?” Kate enquired. 

“I enjoy it,” Ava speared a piece of broccoli as she spoke, “but that’s not to say I am much good at it.”

“Well, I am sure Tessa’s a pretty easy audience to please on that front,” Kate smiled, “she is pretty easy going with food.”

“I haven’t cooked for her, actually,” Ava informed Kate as she looked at Tessa across the table. 

“Oh,” Kate blushed slightly as she realised the assumption she had made, “I just thought seeing th-,” Kate’s embarrassment grew as her comment changed the track of the conversation. 

Jordan stifled a giggle as she watched her baby sister squirm - both sisters knew that it wasn’t cooking that Ava and Tessa were spending their time together enjoying. 

“We end up eating out quite a bit,” Tessa tried to save the conversation, but her comment only served to add fuel to Jordan’s poorly suppressed giggling, “I mean, our schedules are busy,” Tessa continued to explain, “so we end up eating take out, or eating in restaurants.”

Kate nodded a little too quickly as her daughter spoke, “you are both very busy with work,” she said as she hoped the conversation was about to turn to an easier topic. 

“How’s the book coming along, Tess,” Jordan couldn’t watch her sister suffer any longer, and moved to change the subject. 

“Slowly,” Tessa admitted, “I need to dedicate more time to it, really.”

“Well, no need to force it,” all of the joking and teasing was gone from Jordan’s voice, and it was replaced with the genuine care and kindness towards her sister. 

“I enjoy writing it,” Tessa assured everyone around the table, “I just need to give it more focus, that’s all.”

“Do you do any writing, Ava?” Kate asked, “being around writers in your job must give you plenty of material.”

“No, I don’t,” Ava smiled, “it’s not something I have ever really considered doing, to be honest. I suppose it would feel a little more than work rather than pleasure for me.”

“Of course,” Kate smiled at Ava’s response. 

The rest of the meal progressed accompanied by light conversation and plenty of smiles at Ollie’s enjoyment of the large bowl of ice cream Kate put in front of him. As the evening wound down, Jordan settled Ollie into bed in the guest room they were staying in for the night. Ava and Tessa, happy with how the night had turned out, ordered a taxi to take them back to Tessa’s house. 

“Thank you again for dinner,” Ava said to Kate as she pulled her coat onto her shoulders. 

“Thank you for the company,” Kate smiled back in response to Ava’s gratitude, “it was really lovely to meet you.”

“And you,” Ava replied. 

“Thanks, Mom,” Tessa pulled Kate into a hug before opening the front door to reveal the taxi sat, headlights shining, on the driveway, “it was a lovely meal.”

“It was,” Kate agreed, her words travelling beneath the surface of her daughter’s comment and towards the soft emotion that lived beneath it. During the evening, she had been struck by the ease and happiness that she saw in Tessa. It had been a long time since she had seen her youngest looking so relaxed. She knew that there was still some work to be done;still some healing to take place, but it was clear to her that Tessa was making progress in her journey out of the bleakness of her troubled mind. 

Once in the back of the taxi, and driving into the darkening night, Ava felt Tessa physically relax beside her. 

“I had a good evening,” Ava smiled in her girlfriend’s direction. She was desperate to reach out and lay a hand on her leg, but she knew that such an action would only reverse the physical show of relaxation she had just witnessed. 

“Me too,” Tessa nodded her head as she responded. 

They remained silent for the rest of the short journey across town to Tessa’s house. There were a million questions and comments bursting in Ava’s mind. She wanted to discuss the evening, to ask more about Tessa’s childhood and the family she so clearly loved being a part of. She wanted to suggest that they invite Kate and Jordan round for dinner at Tessa’s house, but she knew that all of her thoughts would be too overwhelming for Tessa to hear and connect with whilst they were in the taxi, or even in the days that followed. If she’d learnt anything about the woman sat beside her, it was that she needed to do things in her own time and in her own way. 

“Are you staying at mine tonight?” the whispered question, asked as the taxi turned into the street with Tessa’s house on, took Ava by surprise. 

“If that’s ok?”

“Definitely ok,” Tessa’s voice was still a whisper, but the happy and content tone that accompanied it was unmistakable. 

*******

Scott pulled at the collar of his shirt as he checked his reflection in the taxi’s rear view mirror. 

“Moir, you look handsome as ever!” Jad was one of Scott’s oldest friends from Ilderton, and although they had lost touch since Scott had moved to Florida, both men jumped at the chance to spend a night out in Toronto together once Alma offered to take care of Nate for the night so that Scott could go out and relax. 

“I can’t remember the last time I went ‘out, out’,” Scott smiled as he sat back in his seat. 

“Well,” Jad clapped his hands together, “we’re going ‘out,out’ tonight and I fully intend to make the most of it." As a fairly recent divorcee, Jad had found a new lease of life in his late thirties and took every opportunity to enjoy his freedom and have a good time. 

Scott wondered whether he would ever get to the same point as Jad. His friend seemed so free and so confident. Jad’s marriage had been so seemingly perfect; he and his wife had been childhood sweethearts, and known around Ilderton as an inseparable pair since their early teens. Their life together had never been in question; their marriage expected, their children celebrated by the whole town. It had crossed Scott’s mind in the past that their relationship took the course everyone expected it to rather than the one they chose it to. He wondered to what extent Jad and Hanna had really made their own decisions and the extent to which their decisions had, subconsciously, been made for them by the masses around them. 

“Ready?” Jad was opening the door of the taxi as he spoke. Scott pulled the visor of his baseball cap lower on his head before exiting the car - despite the lack of media interest in him since his marriage and disappearance from Canada he knew better than to announce his presence in a club in Toronto too loudly. 

The music throbbing from the club speakers was like an immediate assault on Scott’s ears. He felt the bass vibrate through him as he walked through the throngs of dancing people. He felt the humidity of the room cling to his skin and he began to wish that he had taken Jad up on the pre-outing drinks he’d suggested back at home. 

“Drink?” Jad’s words were lost to the music as he mimed drinking from an imaginary glass in his hand. 

Scott responded with two raised thumbs as Jad disappeared through the throng of dancers and towards the bar. Scott took a moment to survey the room. He felt like an outsider in a world that he had never really felt a part of during his life. He had been to parties and to clubs, of course, but the idea of going out to a club with a group of male friends had never really been something that he had thrown himself into. He was no stranger to drinking - the world knew that - but he preferred his own living room, or a roadside bar over a trendy city club. He and Tessa had been invited to, and attended, plenty of parties, but they had never really thrown themselves into the moment with abandon like the people he saw around them. They had always had a reputation to uphold and a guard to keep intact, so could never really let themselves go. He was a sociable person and had no problem spending time with groups of people; he liked people and all of the interesting stories they carried, but his fondest memories of drunken dancing were those he and Tessa created in the kitchen of her Montreal apartment. 

“Drinks,” Jad shouted next to Scott’s ear as he handed him a bottle of beer and two shot glasses. 

Scott eyes the shot glasses with trepidation. He was keen to take the edge of his sense of awkwardness, but he had not planned on getting hideously drunk. 

“Down in one!” Jad ordered as he held one of his own shot glasses aloft. 

Scott copied his friend and they clinked their glasses together before throwing the acrid liquid into their mouths. Scott shivered as it hit the back of his throat and quickly chased it with a long swig of beer. 

“And again!” Jad ordered as he put the second glass to his lips, and waited for Scott to do the same. 

Both men threw the shots back with gusto before swilling away the taste with beer. It didn’t take long for the alcohol to hit Scott’s empty stomach and the soft buzz of mild intoxication started to work its way through his body. He felt himself relax and he started to tap his feet to the beat of the music as he sipped at his beer. Jad lost no time in engaging himself in conversation with a group of women who were dancing at the edge of the dance floor. He turned during a pause in the conversation to beckon Scott over, but wasn’t put off or offended when Scott politely declined. He watched the bodies sway in front of his as the alcohol seeped into his system. He became aware of a tingling sensation running through his body and reminded him that it had been a while since he was last drunk. Looking after Nate had made him far more responsible where drinking was concerned, and he had made a conscious effort not to drink in order to help him with the emotions he was feeling surrounding his impending divorce. He had learnt - the hard way - that trying to drink through emotional turmoil was not the best way to process his feelings. 

“Scott!” the familiar, although somewhat clouded voice, reached him through the beat of the music. 

“Hi,” he smiled in response to seeing a face he recognised, “Jordan.”

“Scott!” Jordan stumbled slightly as she approached him, “you’re here!” Jordan shouted through the music. 

“I am!” Scott shouted back. 

Jordan grabbed him by the arm and led him away from the thrum of the music. She pushed through a door next to the bar and through to a small room that was filled with people. She shut the door and sealed out the sound of the music. Scott’s ears rang in the relative silence. He looked around with confusion on his face. 

“Soundproofed,” Jordan smiled as she wobbled towards a table that had a single free chair next to it.   
Scott was surprised to find himself in a soundproofed room in a club, but thought it an amazing idea to have one. 

“Tess,” Jad stumbled over to the table and through his arms around Jordan. 

“Not quite,” Scott smiled at his friend, “Jordan,” he pointed out to Jad. 

“Oh,” Jad took a step backwards and widened his eyes as he looked at Jordan, “sorry! You two look exactly the same!”

“I love it when people say that,” Jordan stifled a hiccup as she spoke, “because she is actually younger than me, so makes me feel less old.”

“You’re not old!” Scott protested, “you’re just grown up!”

“Grown up,” Jordan repeated as if she was testing out the word, “I like it; sounds much better. I suppose children make us grown up!”

“Children and divorces,” Jad added.

“And non-existant sex lives,” Jordan continued. 

“Well, I’ve got the children and the divorce,” Jad smiled, “but the sex life is better than ever!” 

Scott and Jordan groaned in unison. 

“Well,” Jordan sipped at her drink, “I’ve got the child and the non-existant sex life, but not the divorce.”

“And I’ve got the full set!” Scott laughed as he sipped his beer. 

“Cheers to that,” Jad raised his bottle and instigated a group toast before moving off to rejoin the girl he’d spent the majority of the evening with. 

“Sounds like it’s all getting real,” Jordan’s words were slightly slurred as she spoke, but she was clearly being genuine and kind towards Scott as she gently asked about his situation. 

“It is,” Scott managed a weak smile before taking a sip of beer, “I am soon to be a divorced man.”

“I’m sorry,” Jordan offered. 

“Me too,” Scott smiled with resignation, “but relieved too. It’s all getting real, and that’s scary, but it means that I can move out of the limbo I’ve been living in.”

“That must be difficult,” Jordan nodded with understanding, “not knowing and being unsettled.”

“It is,” Scott replied, “but I am grateful for my parents and Ilderton - they provide some stability.”

“Well Ollie is certainly pleased to have Nate back at kids’ club,” Jordan’s eyes were unfocused as she spoke and the alcohol in her system got to work. 

“Nate is happy to be back, too,” Scott smiled, “I handed the pajamas you lent to him to Tess, by the way.”

“Oh,” Jordan’s head cleared slightly when she heard the word ‘pajamas’ as she was reminded of the moment she found the package of pajamas stuffed deep into the glove box of Tessa’s car. 

“Tessa didn’t mention seeing you at kids’ club,” Jordan was aware enough to test the waters and find out to what extent her sister had been in contact with Scott. 

“Oh, we didn’t really speak,” Scott lied, “just saw each other in passing.”

“Oh,” had Jordan been more sober she may have been able to detect the lies and evasion in Scott’s voice, but the effects of the last shot she’d hastily consumed were starting to flood her system

“I should,” she got unsteadily to her feet as she spoke, “I need to go and find my friends,” she clarified. 

Scott stood to help steady her.

“You know,” she said as she gripped his arm, “if you ever need time away from Ilderton, you know, time alone, some space, you and Nate can use the cottage.”

“Jordan that’s kind, but-”

“Scott, I am offering and it’s fine. Everyone needs space at times,” she rummaged in her bag for her phone, “I’m texting you the code for the key box,” she announced. 

Scott decided it best not to mention that he knew the code - that he had set it on the key box when it had been replaced years before.

“Ok,” Jordan threw her phone back into her bag, “done.”

“Thanks,” Scott smiled. 

“I mean it, Scott,” Jordan started towards the door, “you should get away for a bit, get some space from it all.” 

Scott watched her totter into the arms of a waiting girlfriend and disappear back into the crowd of dancing drunks. 

He sat back on his chair and pulled out his phone - a taxi to his hotel room and long bath were the only things he wanted from the rest of the night. He threw back the rest of his beer and used it to chase down the fact that Tessa had clearly decided to keep their contact at kids’ club a secret.


	24. Chapter Twenty Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tessa's seemingly calm surface is shattered as some unexpected news unsettles her.

“Wait here,” Tessa put out her hand to stop Ava from advancing any further down the hallway. She skipped off towards the lounge of her London home, flicking the light switches to create darkness as she went. 

“Ok,” she shouted through the darkness to Ava, “Ok, come into the lounge.”

Ava smiled as she made her way across the hallway’s wooden floor and towards the dark lounge. She saw the flickering candlelight as she crossed the threshold. 

“Happy birthday!” Tessa chimed sweetly as she stood next to the small cake she had adorned with candles. 

Ava felt a warmth spread through her that put a wide smile on her face. She had travelled into London that morning to meet with a client, and so had not had contact with any of her friends or work colleagues other than through text and email messages that wished her a great day. Tessa was the first person to say it to her in person - she was the only person she really cared about hearing it from in person. The cake sat on the table, the candles flickering in the darkness that Tessa had created by extinguishing all of the lights and closing the drapes in the room. The afternoon sun was halted and the world set motionless in her honour. 

“Thank you,” Ava swallowed thickly in order to keep the emotion that was welling in her throat at bay, “this is a nice surprise.”

“I won’t spoil the moment by singing,” Tessa giggled at her own lack of musical ability, “but you have to blow out the candles and make a wish.”

Ava took a step closer to the table and stood in front of the cake and its lit candles. She thought about the all the wishes she could make, all the items she could wish for, all the success, all the wealth, the happiness and health and love she could wish to be showered on her family, but there was really only one thing that she wished for in that moment - for there to be others. For the feeling that she had in that moment of being loved and at peace and a single step from the arms of someone she wanted to delve into the depths of and to give herself to so completely to be duplicated a thousand times over. She took a breath and filled her lungs, not only with the air she needed to extinguish the candles, but with the moment that hung around her. She breathed it in deeply and let it fill every inch of her body and her being, and as she blew the candles she wished for it to become a part of her, to run through every cell in her body and become a part of the fabric of her being. With the candles left emitting only fine ribbons of smoke, Ava stepped through the darkness and into Tessa’s waiting arms. She let herself be held in a perfect moment. 

“Happy birthday,” Tessa repeated as she left a kiss on Ava’s lips before heading for the light switch and illuminating the room once more. 

“Thank you,” Ava repeated, her smile filling her whole face and shining through her eyes. 

“I have a present for you,” Tessa smiled sweetly as she held out her hand towards Ava. 

“Oh,” Ava smiled in response, “intriguing,” she stepped forward and placed her hand in Tessa’s and allowed herself to be led towards the back door and garden. 

Tessa kept her grip on Ava’s hand as she unlocked the back door. Her heart began to flutter in her chest as she led Ava out onto the decking. She knew that her present would be appreciated, but she also hoped that the gesture behind it would be understood too. She hoped that Ava would understand that she was hoping for her to spend more time in London, more time at her house, more time with her. 

As they left the decking and walked towards the back of the long garden, Ava could see that there was a new area in the garden. A set of well-adorned trellises created a secluded space above which was hung a string of fairy lights that she knew would twinkle perfectly in the dark. As they approached she saw that behind the trellises was a newly decked area and a small table. The smell of pine wood hit her nostrils before her eyes saw the newly installed hot tub sitting, perfectly secluded behind the trellis. She stopped, taking in the scene. It was perfect and luxurious and romantic. 

“I was hoping,” Tessa stood behind her and wrapped her body against her back, “that perhaps you’d come over and enjoy your hot tub here, with me.”

Ava turned to look Tessa in the eyes, slightly lost at the gesture. Seeing her confusion, Tessa rushed to explain herself. 

“I want you,” Tessa tried to articulate, “I want you to come and stay over more often,” she explained, “not just when you’re travelling through or when you have a client,” she explained, “I want you to come here whenever you want. I want you to be here more.”

Ava smiled as she understood what she was being given. An expensive hot tub was the least valuable present she was being handed - she was being given a level of commitment that she knew Tessa found terrifying. She was being given trust. She was being given a chance to see if there was something more for them in the future. She was being allowed in. It wasn’t moving in - she knew that - it wasn’t sharing a home. It was the freedom to love Tessa whenever she wanted. She knew that there was still a long way to go in understanding what Tessa had been through - and perhaps she never would fully understand, and perhaps it wasn’t vital that she did - but she knew that she had been hurt and that she had been scarred and that the gesture far outweighed the present itself because she was being let into a part of Tessa’s life that was vulnerable and fragile and closed to everyone else. 

“I want to be here more,” Ava smiled in response, “and I definitely want to be in a hot tub with Tessa Virtue - I mean, come on, who doesn’t!”

Tessa blushed and giggled at Ava’s words, “well, we have a couple of hours before we’re meeting Jordan,” Tessa shrugged her shoulders. 

“We do,” Ava took a look at her watch before pulling her girlfriend into her body and wrapping her arms around her, “and I wouldn’t want to spend my birthday with anyone else,” she smiled as she laid her lips gently against Tessa’s and took her lips into a soft and deep kiss. They fell into each other in a way that they both felt the newness of. There was unchartered territory mapped out across the soft flesh of their lips and each woman enjoyed its exploration. 

“You know I don’t have a swim suit,” Ava whispered as their lips parted just a fraction. 

“Not mandatory,” Tessa whispered back as she reestablished the connection between their lips and started to slowly unbutton Ava’s jeans before pushing them gently down her legs and letting them fall to the floor. 

Ava’s heart fluttered in her chest as she drank in the newness she held in her hands - Tessa was emerging from her cocoon and she couldn’t believe that the delicate and beautiful woman in her arms was, with each passing day, becoming increasingly hers. 

*******  
Tessa slipped her fingers from beneath Ava’s as their taxi pulled up outside the London bar where they were meeting Jordan. Ava felt the loss of contact and closeness that she knew was now established for the evening, but she knew that she had already been given more than she’d expected, and that she had to accept the pace of the journey they were on being set by Tessa. 

The evening air clung to their bodies as they got out of the car and headed into the bar. As with anywhere they went, Tessa received smiles from people. She stopped for a chat and took photos with a few people, and Ava fell back, letting other people enjoy her for a moment. Dating someone famous could be frustrating, Ava had learnt, but she always looked on in awe as Tessa took the time to take a genuine interest in people, and she loved that about her. 

“Right,” Tessa arrived back at Ava’s side, “that’s it. They’ve had me. I’m all yours for the rest of the evening.”

Ava smiled in response as her lips itched to leave a small kiss on Tessa’s cheek. She didn’t allow herself to stop and linger over the distance between them and the bridge that, deep down, she knew was never going to be hers to build between them. She could reach so far, she’d already left the shore, but there was a limit to the reach, to the connection, she could build. Deep down she knew it, had always known it, but the acceptance and surrender was resident in a future she couldn’t see or feel, and so all she could do was live in the moment and the love she had. 

“That must be a record,” Jordan smiled as Ava and Tessa found her propped on a bar stool, three glass of wine lined up on the bar, “I’ve never seen you make it through the crowds and to the bar so quickly.”

“Ah, they’re tiring of me,” Tessa joked as she rolled her eyes in mock exasperation. Her ability to make fun of herself was one of the things that Ava loved about her girlfriend, and she giggled happily as she accepted the drink that Jordan pushed along the bar towards her. 

“Such as has-been!” Jordan joked back. 

“Old news,” Tessa agreed. 

“Well,” Jordan raised her wine glass, “happy birthday, Ava.”

“Thank you,” Ava held her own glass up to Jordan’s and the three women joined in a toast. 

“A birthday, dinner with the in-law,” Jordan smiled, “you’ve had it all lately!”

“I know!” Ava widened her eyes.

“You were a hit with Mom,” Jordan informed her, “she didn’t talk about anything but your wondrousness all through breakfast!”

Tessa’s smile widened at Jordan’s words. Although she knew that her mom would always accept her for who she was, and that there was never any fear of her being judgemental or negative, she had always been protective.

“So,” Jordan shuffled back on her bar stool - she had already been at the bar for an hour and was a few drinks ahead of her sister and her girlfriend, “have you had a good day?”

“I have,” Ava replied and she made herself comfortable, “work this morning, but I’ve had an amazing afternoon.”

The blush in Tessa’s cheeks did not go unnoticed by her older sister. Jordan refrained from commenting for fear of embarrassing Ava, but logged the information for a later date and a later conversation. 

“Jordan!” the voice that spoke her name was vaguely familiar to Jordan, but she struggled to place it as she turned around to face its owner, “and Tess!” 

“Jad!” Tessa smiled - the voice was all too familiar to her - it had been the one on the end of numerous prank phone calls that she had received throughout her teen years. She had always really liked Jad. He and Scott had never had a particularly deep relationship, but he had always been a feature of Ilderton life and he’d always been so easy to get on with. 

“I haven’t seen you for such a long time!” Jad’s voice showed his genuine joy at seeing Tessa. 

“Too long,” Tessa answered. 

“How are you?”

“I’m great, Jad. Great. How about you?”

“Loving life.”

“Great,” Tessa smiled, “sorry,” she turned to Ava, “this is my friend Ava.”

“Hey, Ava,” Jad smiled as she turned to Ava, “Jad,” he held his hand out and shook Ava’s hand. 

“And this is my sister,” Tessa introduced Jordan, “Jordan.”

“Looking decidedly more sober than the last time I saw you,” Jad laughed, “for now,” he arched his eyebrows as he nodded towards the almost empty glass of wine on the bar. 

Jordan felt her stomach flip and her blood run cold as she felt Tessa’s look of confusion fall across the group. 

“A bit mor-” Jordan tried to struggle through a sentence. 

“You two have met before?” Tessa’s smile was laced with confusion.

“Jordan drank and danced Scottie and I under the table last week,” Jad laughed. 

“I don’t know that I was that bad,” Jordan’s voice was dry and caught in her throat as she tried to speak. 

“Oh you were,” Jas assured her, “Scott’s no lightweight, and even he was holding you up.”

Tessa’s brow creased as she tried to understand what she was hearing. 

“He didn’t last much longer after he had a drink with you,” Jad sipped at his beer as he spoke, “he went back to the hotel on his own.”

“It was pretty late by the time I saw him,” Jordan knew that her words were empty and pointless as she just tried to offer a response to the conversation. 

“Oh, he was feeling sorry for himself anyway,” Jad’s voice was half sincere concern and half friendly mockery, “I told him,” Jad took a slug of beer, “get the papers signed, get his freedom and he’ll soon realise the fun and freedom of being a divorcee.”

Tessa willed her expression to remain unchanged as Jad’s words hit her chest like a burning arrow. The air was suddenly thick and acrid as she tried to pull it into her lungs. She held her breath in an attempt to prevent her chest from heaving under the weight of her shock and emotion. For a second that seemed to her to last an age, the blood ceased beating through her veins and the world stood in stasis around her. Many things can happen in the space between seconds - life can tip into death, fingers can lose their grip, life can spark into existence. In the space between the seconds of Tessa’s thoughts her mind gathered and held the explosion of pain that gave life to a new existence. Life was made in that moment, life too delicate and raw to be allowed into the expanse of her consciousness. Life that would lie dormant until it was carefully and lovingly coaxed into the nurturing light by the two people who had breathed energy into it and set it on its path to a beautiful evolution. 

“I always thought she was a bit controlling anyway,” Jad threw the words into the room without the realisation of their explosive potential. 

“Well you look like you’re having a great time as a single man,” Jordan jumped in, desperate to change the focus and direction of the conversation, “any big plans at the moment?” it was a flimsy and vague question, but she hoped that it was enough to hook Jad. 

“Sure do,” Jad took the bait perfectly, “I’m headed to Peru with a few buddies next month. Take in some history and heat, you know.”

“Peru,” Ava smiled, “I’ve been - it’s fantastic.”

Jordan silently thanked Ava for her involvement.

“If I’m honest,” Jad turned his attention to Ava as he spoke, “I don’t really know that much about it. My mate suggested it after he’d heard good things.”

“I think you’ll enjoy it,” Ava smiled, “it’s pretty humbling.”

As they spoke Jad’s name was called out from further down the bar, “well,” Jad said after turning to tell his waving friend that he was heading back to him, “nice to see you two,” he motioned towards Tessa and Jordan, “and nice to meet you, Ava. Enjoy your evening.”

Once Jad had left there was a heavy pause hanging over the group of three. After only a moment, Ava decided that it was she who needed to act, “I’m going to head to the bathroom,” she smiled.   
Jordan and Tessa knew what she was giving them - the space and time to talk - and they were both grateful for it. As much as Ava wanted to be the person to comfort Tessa, and wanted to be the person to solve things for her, she knew that this was not a situation in which she was the person Tessa needed. She knew that she needed to talk to Jordan and to be able to say how she felt and without Ava being able to hear. She knew that there were things that they would need to talk about that Tessa hadn’t explained to Ava - they would need to journey into a past that Ava had no part in, and she understood that. 

“Tess-,” Jordan was the first to try to speak. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jordan was slightly taken aback by the anger in Tessa’s voice. Her tone was a relic of her breakdown, and Jordan was worried as she heard it surface. 

“Tess, Jordan began again, “I just didn’t think it was something that you would want to hear at the moment. Things are going so well with Ava and-”

“You didn’t think I could take it?” Tessa asked, her anger a churning undercurrent, “you don’t think I am strong enough to hear it?”

“No,” Jordan protested, “it’s not like that. You’re so happy with Ava. Things are going well, you told Mom and brought her round for dinner and it is good to see you so happy. I just didn’t see what good telling you would do.”

“So you’re deciding what is and isn’t good for me now?”

“Tess!”

“You’re deciding what I do and don’t need to know.”

“I’m not not trying to-”

“What else have you decided I don’t need to know?”

“Tess, you’re be-”

“Oh, I’m being unreasonable. I’m being unfair. I can’t get perspective!”

“If you just let me sp-”

“I’m not ill anymore Jordan. I don’t need you to think for me and decide what I can and can’t hear.”

“I know that. You’ve made such amazing progress and-”

“Will you stop saying that!”

“What?”

“That I’ve made progress. It makes it sound like I am a kid at school trying to learn to read or something.”

“I’m not trying to make you feel like a kid, Tess. I am just saying that you’ve come a long way and that is good-”

“I have come a long way,” Tessa agreed, “I have come all of the way. I am well. I was ill, I got better and now I am well.”

“Tess, I know you’re better. I ju-”

“No, I’m not better, Jordan. I am well. I am fine.”

“Such a lot happened, Tess. You need to mak-”

“You’re not listening, Jordan. I am well. I know I needed you so much before. I know that you knew me better than I knew myself during that time, and I know that you knew what was best for me. But now, I need you to listen to me and I need you to understand that I am well. I am fine. I am no longer ill.”

“I’m just looking out for you, Tess, I just want to make sure that you really are as well as you say you are,” Jordan knew the minute that the words left her mouth that they were the wrong ones to say. She had withstood so much through Tessa’s illness and recovery. She had been at her sister’s side through it all and she had never faltered. She had watched her sister reach her lowest point and she had been there to help her back up again. In her own counselling sessions she’d just started to explore the sense of guilt that she felt in relation to Tessa’s breakdown. She needed help to believe that she hadn’t neglected her or missed the signs or not done enough to prevent it. There were still nights when she lay awake thinking about the night of Scott’s wedding reception. She still felt her sister’s broken body in her arms as she’d carried her to bed and tucked her beneath the sheets. Tessa had smiled her way through the wedding, drawn upon all of her media training and all of her positive and kind nature. She’d congratulated Scott and Jena, made polite conversation with guests and posed for photos with her friends. But beneath the glossy exterior, she was crumbling. As she listened to Charlie and Danny, in their joint best man’s speech, talk about a life she didn’t recognise, a life from which they had managed so skillfully to erase her, her inner strength and sense of self eroded and crumbled to dust. Jordan would never forget the chill of the night air - so out of place for a Florida night - as she found Tessa sitting on the beach, spent and broken. She had always admired her sister’s strength, and at the time that night had seemed so scary because as she carried Tessa back to the hotel she knew that it was more than her strength that had been lost. Looking back, she admired Tessa’s lack of strength that night. She came to admire how Tessa, although she had not realised it at the time, allowed herself to give in to the howling pain and chaos raging inside of her. Surrender often takes more strength than resistance. 

“How do you know how well I am? You don’t know. You don’t control me. I can think for myself. I am not sick anymore, Jordan. I know how I feel. I know-”

“Then why did you hide the pajamas?” Jordan’s tone of voice showed her lack of control. 

Tessa fell silent. 

“Well?” Jordan pressed forward, “if you’re so well and fixed and can cope on your own,” Jordan’s anger drove her words, “then why did you hide Ollie’s pajamas - the ones you clearly got from Scott - in the glove box of your car?”

Tessa remained silent. 

Jordan finished the remainder of her wine in a single gulp before slamming the glass onto the bar and heading for the exit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sounds like the cottage would be a good place to get some peace and perspective...


	25. Chapter Twenty Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this finds you all well and safe.   
Enjoy.

Tessa felt her shoulders relax a little at the sound of the gravel crunching beneath the wheels of her car. The tension that had sat on her shoulders during the drive from her house to the cottage had caused knots in her muscles and she had already set her mind on a warm and soothing bath. Once inside, she wasted no time as she threw her keys into the pot on the sideboard and headed through to the bathroom. She dug some fancy bubble bath out of the bathroom cupboard and poured a generous amount into the stream of hot water. The scent of lavender filled the air and got to work on her back. She pinned her hair up, positioned a towel on the radiator and slipped into the water. The stillness of the water gave her the space to inhale deeply, and to turn her mind to the thoughts she had been ignoring since Ava had waved her off just a few hours previously. The car’s loud music was no longer there to act as white noise, and she knew that she had to start doing what she had come to the cottage to do: think. She pushed against the tub’s edge with her hands and slipped beneath the water. Her clenched eyes and blocked ears did nothing to quiet the nagging thoughts in her mind, and when she could hold her breath no longer, she pushed herself violently to the surface and allowed her anger to flow from her. Jordan had no right to call her out on her contact with Scott. She was an adult and had the right to make her own decisions. She knew that Jordan cared about her, and that she had spent so much of her time and energy on helping her to get better, but there had to come a point when the boundaries of their relationship were re-established. The water provided soothing support, but it could not wash through the barriers that her anger had erected in her mind. With time and peace would come clarity and she would realise that whilst there was a need to navigate the next phase of her recovery with Jordan, to ensure that their relationship changed and adapted as her sense of independence did, there was also a relevance to Jordan’s reservations because she was still in denial of the real thoughts that had sunk far beneath the surface and were currently embedded in the silty floor of her mind. The surface was the only place she could function, and so that’s where she stayed as she lay in the warm water and allowed it to wash through her. 

The noise of the key scraping in the lock made her jump out of a light doze that she hadn’t realised she’d fallen into. Her mind, shocked into wakefulness, filled immediately with anger. Her feet were hitting the bathroom’s tiled floor before her mind had time to think about a possible intruder or a threat to her safety. All of the anger and frustration that had been given temporarily to the bath water, was suddenly balled in her chest as she grabbed the towel and tied it tightly around her body. The door was lucky to keep its hinges as she stormed towards the lounge. 

“Jordan,” her voice preceded her stomping feet, “I said I don’t want to t-,” 

“Bessie!” 

Thin arms wrapped themselves around her naked and damp legs. 

“Nate!” Scott’s voice was lost in her own confusion as she looked down to see Nate staring up at her from where he was sat at her feet with a wide smile. Scott rushed forward and scooped Nate into his arms. 

Tessa instinctively held the top of her towel across her body. 

“I thought you wer-,” she mumbled and she took in the scene and started to explain herself. 

“I’m sorry,” Scott was almost breathless with shock as he apologised, “I’m sorry, Tess, I didn’t know you were here,” he explained as he pulled a wriggling Nate higher on his hip, “Jordan offered me the use of the cottage,” he continued to explain, not hearing his own words as they left his mouth, but wanting desperately to explain himself, “I used the key in the box, I-,”

“It’s ok,” Tessa tried to reassure him as she spoke over him. 

“I’ll go,” his words tangled with hers as they both spoke at the same time.

“No,” Tessa stepped forward as Scott bent down to pick up the car that Nate had left on the floor, “please you don’t have to leave.”

“It’s your house,” Scott stopped and turned to look at her, “I don’t want to come crashing in here and interrupt-”

“You’re not interrupting anything,” Tessa assured him.

“If you’re sur-,”

“I’m sure.” Tessa became acutely aware of the fact that she was standing in nothing more than a towel, and wanted to escape from the situation she was in, “the cottage is big enough for us both to use it,” she explained, “I’ll be in my room,” she explained, “please, you guys use the rest of the house,” she turned and headed back to her bedroom, knuckles turning white as she held tightly to the towel’s thick material. She stepped back into the safety of her bedroom and shut the door. 

Scott stood motionless but for the squirming toddler in his arms. He and Tessa had found themselves in their fair share of weird situations, but that had to be by far the strangest to date. After another moment’s consideration, he gave a slight shrug of his shoulders before inhaling sharply and heading back out to his car to retrieve the rest of the bags. 

“Bessie swim?” Nate’s excited tone reminded Scott of the innocent world according to two year olds. 

“Bessie can’t swim today,” he smiled at Nate in answer to his question, “Nate and Daddy can swim, though.”

Nate pouted as he digested his dad’s words - he had been pleasantly surprised to find that one of his new friends was joining him and his dad on their weekend away, and he had rather been hoping that they would all get the chance to play in the lake together. 

Noticing his son’s disappointment, Scott tickled his side lightly in order to get his attention before giving him the ‘big boy job’ of carrying his own backpack into the house. Scott carried the bags through to the guest room on the ground floor. It had its own bathroom and he thought it would make life easier for him and Tess to share the cottage if he and Nate had everything they needed behind one closed door. He placed Nate down onto the bed whilst he got to work putting up his travel cot. He had spent many nights in the room he was standing in. As a kid he and Tessa’s brothers had shared it when they had family get-togethers. He chuckled quietly to himself as he remembered the after dark antics they had gotten up to. As an older teenager, on breaks away from the world of competitive skating, he had slept in the room alone, and the antics then had involved he and Tessa creeping out of their rooms in order to slip out into the garden and look up at the stars. In much later years, of course, he had left the guest bedroom behind in exchange for his place in the bed he knew Tessa would be sat on the edge of that very moment. The cottage had been their safe escape one weekend during the comeback. Bodies sore and minds tangled, Marie had nothing short of ordered them to take a long weekend away from training, the rink and Montreal. She’d insisted on distance from it all, had said that sometimes a pause was the best form of progress. It had rained the entire weekend, but they’d barely noticed 

** A Rainy Weekend a Lifetime Ago **

_ “You know, I’m not sure this is entirely what Marie had in mind when she said take some time out,” Tessa smirked beneath her lashes as she looked up at Scott’s face. _

_“Want me to stop?” _

_“Don’t you dare!” her eyes rolled into the back of her head as she spoke and Scott pushed deeper inside of her, pushing her hard against the bed’s mattress. _

“All done!” Scott felt a sense of triumph as he pushed the last metal pole into position and the ancient travel cot that his mom had given him stood solidly, “all the best Moirs have slept in this piece of history, bud,” Scott stood back to admire the cot as he spoke to Nate. 

“Daddy play?” Nate, unmoved by Scott’s achievement, held out a blue building block in Scott’s direction. 

“Sure,” Scott hopped over towards his son, his mood suddenly sunny and light, “Daddy has the whole weekend just to play with you,” he picked Nate up off the bed and kissed his forehead before placing him down on the floor and watching him head for the lounge. 

In her room Tessa could hear the muffled talking and laughter float from the lounge and make its way through the space beneath her door. She stared at the screen of her laptop as she tapped her fingers against the wooden top of her desk. She tried to focus her mind on her writing, but her ears were constantly straining to hear the content of the conversation she could hear. She opened Spotify and clicked on a random playlist, hoping that the sound of the music would create a blank canvas for her ears to rest on. 

In the lounge, Nate was sorting his blocks into piles by colour. Scott watched him and smiled at his need to order his blocks before beginning to build his tower. 

“What colour is this block, Nate?” Scott asked as he picked up a red block and held it in the air. 

“Red,” Nate answered correctly. 

“Well done,” Scott chimed, “a red block.”

Nate took the block from him and used it as the first one in his tower. He scooted across the floor on his knees to collect a block from the pile of blue ones he had made. He pushed the block firmly onto the red one and then scuttled off to collect a green one. 

“Daddy help,” he instructed Scott as he placed the green block into Scott’s hand. The tower grew quickly and was soon wobbling on its narrow foundations. Nate held onto the tower as he instructed Scott as to which colour blocks he should pass to him. Scott smiled as he watched Nate balance on the tops of his toes in order to reach the top of the tower. 

“Daddy hold,” Nate and Scott swapped places, and Scott held the leaning tower as Nate passed the blocks to him. 

“This tower is getting very tall,” Scott observed as Nate hurredly handed him blocks. 

Nate stood still and looked at the tower. He considered it for a moment before handing Scott what would prove to be the final block. 

“Let go,” Nate clasped Scott’s wrists and pulled them away from the tower. 

“It will fall over,” Scott warned Nate. Nate, seemingly aware that his instruction would result in the demolition of his tower, pulled on Scott’s wrists again. Scott surveyed the area, and judged that the blocks would fall harmlessly onto a nearby armchair. He removed his hands and watched Nate’s face as the tower wobbled and then fell. The blocks hit the armchair’s soft material and went skittering across the floor. Nate jumped up and down on the balls of his feet and clapped his hands together with joy. 

“All gone!” he shouted with glee as he looked at the blocks scattered around the floor. 

“We’ve broken the tower!” Scott laughed. 

Nate’s giggles filled the room and soaked into Scott’s bones. He loved the sound of Nate’s hearty giggles; no matter what was happening in his life, no matter what he was feeling, the sound of his son’s laughter created peace in his heart. It was of no surprise to Scott that Nate immediately started to regather the blocks with gusto. He knew that once his son had found an activity he enjoyed he could carry it out over and over again to the ends of time (or until he noticed a rumble in his belly). 

“Are we building it again?” Scott asked as Nate attempted to carry more blocks than his podgy little hands could hold. 

Nate ignored the question and proceeded in rebuilding the tower. 

Tessa stopped the stream of music - her ears were just straining beyond it in order to pick up what was happening in the lounge. It was as if her mind was drawn to the other human activity in the house, and that somewhat annoyed her. She had always had the ability to focus on what she chose to. There was something about Scott and Nate’s presence in the house that seemed to pull her attention away from where she wanted it to be. There was nothing, she told herself as she straightened her back and focused on her laptop screen, she couldn’t do if she put her mind to it.

With Nate’s second tower leaning precariously, Scott braced himself for the second crash of the morning followed by more giggling from Nate. 

“Shall we have some lunch?” Scott asked as Nate started to collect the blocks once more. Scott smiled at Nate’s total lack of attention to his words - there was nothing that the boy deemed important enough to distract him from his new game, “well, I am going to leave you to build the tower,” Scott ruffled Nate’s hair as he got to his feet, “and I am going to make us some lunch.”

“Pasta?” Nate asked, finally acknowledging his dad’s comments. 

“I think I can manage that,” Scott chirped as he sprang to his feet. He headed towards the kitchen with a spring in his step. The kitchen’s island counter looked out onto the open plan lounge, so he had a perfect view of the tower building as he got to work on making some spaghetti and tomato sauce. He watched with a smile on his face as Nate mumbled along to himself as he worked to rebuild the tower for a third time. Scott reached over and switched on the radio, turning it to low so as not to disturb Tessa. He wondered what she was doing in her room, and hoped that his presence wasn’t the cause of her reclusiveness. As he peeled the skins from the blanched tomatoes, he thought about the decision he had made to stay, and wondered whether it was the right one. Perhaps he should have just packed himself and Nate back into the car and headed home. After all, it was a strange situation to put both himself and Tessa in. Since his unanswered text he hadn’t heard anything more from her, and he took that as a sign that she regretted the friendship she had shown him - the afternoon on the bench - and that she wanted to withdraw from any contact they had established. They’d hurt each other, disappointed each other, argued with each other, but he couldn’t escape the one fact that lingered - he was the one who had left. She’d refused his marriage proposal, she’d refused to compromise and to see things his way, but she hadn’t walked away from them.

He slid the spaghetti into the boiling water and watched it soften under the water’s touch. 

But she’d left him no choice, he reasoned. She’d rejected him and the life that he wanted. They’d reached a crossroads, and they no longer wanted the same things. He’d already waited for her, already stood still hoping that she would want the same as him, but she hadn’t. And the one thing that they’d learnt through the years was that having her in his life and trying to love someone else was impossible. He’d had to leave.

He pushed the block of cheese against the grater and watched the jagged pieces fall onto the plate below.

He’d done what he could, he reasoned. He’d done what he thought was right at the time. He looked across the room at the wobbling tower of bricks and the hands clasped around the unsteady blocks. He looked at the small, smiling boy with a face filled with the anticipation of giddy laughter, and he knew what he had always known - he could have no regrets. No matter how broken he and Tessa were, no matter how much he and Jena had hurt each other, he could have no regrets because from it all he had been gifted his greatest possession. 

The kitchen timer beeped to let him know that the pasta was ready. He poured the contents of the pan into a colander and allowed the billowing steam to rise above him. He separated a small portion of the pasta from the pan and placed it under the cold tap for a moment to allow it to cool before he added the tepid tomato sauce to it. He allowed the rest of the sauce to warm as he pulled the high chair from the kitchen’s corner and towards the breakfast bar. He positioned Nate’s lunch and drink of water on the bar next to his high chair - he’d learnt the hard way that placing the food on the tray before doing battle with a squirming toddler with little to no control of his limbs was a bad idea! With the rest of the sauce warmed he scooped himself a portion of spaghetti into a bowl and poured some sauce over it. Looking down into the pan he saw that there was easily a third portion left. He knew that Tessa would forget to eat if he let her, so he served another portion into a bowl, topped it with grated cheese and padded across the floor to her bedroom door. His feet stopped still for a moment before he raised his hand to knock lightly in the door’s centre. 

“Tess,” he called softly. 

He heard her soft voice call from the otherside of the door, giving him permission to enter. 

“Hey,” he smiled as he entered the room, “thought you might like some lunch,” he held the bowl out into the room, but stayed at its edge, not wanting to invade her space. 

“Thanks,” her smile was sweet and seemed to him to be genuine as she got to her feet and took the bowl from his hands, “ah, your pasta sauce,” her eyes widened as the aromas swirled up from the bowl, “I haven’t had this in ages.”

The weight of the comment cut the fine ribbon of communication between them and an awkward silence fell.

“I was cooking lunch for Nate,” Scott explained as he filled the space between them with words, “and I know how you forget about your stomach once you’re engrossed in something!”

“Oh, I wasn’t engrossed,” Tessa sighed. 

“Work?” 

“Kind of,” Tessa explained, “I am meant to be writing a book, but, well, not much on the page at the moment.”

“A book?” Scott’s interest was genuine, “sounds interesting.”

“Might be if I wrote it,” Tessa laughed at herself.

“What is it about?”

“Oh, just,” Tessa struggled to answer the question partly because she didn’t want to tell him that the book was about her pain and recovery, and partly because she really wasn’t all that sure what it was about at all, “stuff,” she replied, “life,” she added, “skating,” she waved her hands in the air as she spoke, “kind of.”

“Right,” Scott nodded as if he understood what she was saying, “I’d best,” he half turned and indicated towards the lounge with his thumb.

“Sure,” Tessa responded quickly, wanting the exchange to be over as much as he did, but equally lost as to how to end it. 

“Nate’s lunch,” Scott offered in way of an explanation. 

“Sure,” Tessa smiled and nodded. 

“Ok,” Scott turned to leave, pulling the door shut behind him as he walked out. 

“Thanks for the pasta,” her words just managed to float through the door before it shut. 

Scott, his head jumbled by what had been an odd and yet welcomed conversation, headed into the lounge to retrieve Nate. 

“Time for some pasta,” Scott announced as he reached the building area. 

Nate, his attention taken by the mention of his favourite food, let go of the tower he was holding and watched for a moment as it fell to the ground. As soon as the last brick had hit the floor, he was toddling into his dad’s arms ready to be taken to his lunch. Scott was thankful for the lack of resistance he encountered as he lifted Nate up and deposited him into his high chair. The pasta was gratefully received and Nate wasted no time as he plunged, finger first, into the bowl. Scott smiled as he sat next to him and ate his own pasta. It felt nice to be away from everything, and Scott enjoyed the freedom and calm in his mind. 

“I think we’d best get you cleaned up!” Scott looked at Nate with a smile as he pulled him from the high chair and placed him on his lap. He wiped a warm, wet flannel over Nate’s face to remove the sauce that had made its way into just about every crevice it could find. Nate held his hands out to be cleaned and Scott made sure that all signs of red stickiness were gone. 

“Ok,” Scott placed the flannel onto the counter with a smile as he watched Nate rub at his tired eyes, “fancy a story, bud?”

Nate’s response was a tired nod as he curled around his dad’s body. Scott held him close as he made his way towards the lounge and one of Nate’s favourite books. 

“Ok, let’s get you a comfy space set up here,” Scott spoke as he worked to remove some cushions from the sofa to create a little cocoon on the floor for Nate to nestle into. In sync with his dad’s actions, Nate crawled amongst the cushions and lay on his side before popping his thumb into his mouth. Scott handed him his favourite blanket before settling beside him to start the story.   
He was barely a page in before Nate’s eyes closed and his breathing fell into a steady sleeping rhythm. Scott bent down and left a soft kiss on each of Nate’s closed eyelids before settling himself on the sofa and switching on the TV, volume low. Despite his protests, and attempts at stopping them, his own eyes soon closed and he fell into a light sleep. 

Tessa stopped still, her fingers static above the laptop’s keys. She strained her ears against the silence and listened for the scuffling noise that had drawn her attention. It came again, and her eyes followed it on the other side of the wall. It was low, no higher than the skirting board. She felt her heart begin to thump wildly - as a child her brothers had once managed to convince her that there were mice in the cottage, and she had been paranoid about being joined by them ever since. Heart in her mouth, she moved closer to the wall, squatting low in order to get closer to the sound. It came again, but this time it was closer to the bedroom door. It was more of a scratch than a scuffle and she followed it on hands and knees until it stopped just right outside her bedroom door. She stood slowly and reached out for the door’s handle with care. She turned the handle slowly as she prepared to confront the critter. The door creaked as it opened, she stepped back and prepared herself to come face to face with a face of whiskers. 

“Nate,” the toddler staring up at Tessa was not what she was expecting to see behind the door. 

“Car,” Nate, totally unaware of his misidentification as a mouse and Tessa’s rapidly beating heart, held the source of the scratching and scuffling in the air.

“That’s a nice car,” Tessa beamed down at the smiling little boy, and felt her heartbeat start to return to a more steady pace, “are you and Daddy playing a game?” she knelt down to Nate’s level and smiled at him as she asked the question. 

“Daddy ssh,” Nate put a small finger to his lips as he spoke to let Tessa know that his dad was sound asleep on the sofa.

Tessa straightened to her full height and took a few steps towards the lounge. She peered around the wall and saw Scott napping on the sofa. She smiled and let out a little laugh before returning to Nate. 

“Daddy’s looking peaceful,” she said to the toddler as she rejoined him on the floor. She got down to his level and was met with a waft of smell that could only be described as disgusting. It was rotten and hit the back of her throat, making her gag. 

“I think we may need to sort out what’s in your diaper!” she smiled, raising her eyebrows at Nate as she spoke. The two year old ignored her and continued to play with his car. 

Tessa made eye contact with him as she held out her arms to him, “let’s go and get you cleaned up,” she suggested, “and then we’ll go outside and enjoy the sunshine whilst Daddy snoozes.”

To her relief, Nate allowed her to scoop him into her arms and carry him into the guest bedroom. It felt strange to see Scott’s things around the room, and yet to feel that she was invading someone else’s personal and private space - a space she had once shared. She focused her mind on the task in hand and started to look through Nate’s backpack for his diapers and wipes. Having popped Nate into the travel cot for a few minutes, she gathered all of the things she would need onto the bed. She lay a towel on the duvet before placing the changing mat on top of it. Living with Jordan and helping to take care of Ollie had ensured that she was pretty well versed in the babycare basics.

“Ok, we’re set,” she informed Nate as she picked him out of his travel cot and lay him on the changing mat. Luckily, his attention was still firmly on his car and the wheels he was spinning around as he mumbled along to himself, so she didn’t have to work too hard to persuade him to do as she wanted. She took his trousers off and managed to remove the smelly, dirty diaper without much fuss. She carefully cleaned and powered Nate’s skin before securing a fresh diaper. 

“You’re a good boy,” she smiled down at him and she tickled the soles of his bare feet and watched him giggle, “and you’ve got your dad’s ticklish feet!” she commented. 

She redressed him and then stood him upright on the bed, “ready to go outside and play?” she asked him. 

“Bessie outside?” 

“We’ll go together,” Tessa assured him as she gathered up the dirty wipes and diaper, “let’s get rid of these and leave Daddy a note, first.”

With Nate on her hip, she moved through the kitchen and deposited the rubbish into the bin. She tore a piece of paper from the notepad stuck to the fridge and scribbled Scott a note. 

_ Don’t panic, he’s fine! We’re playing outside. You looked like you needed the sleep. _

She tiptoed over to the lounge and left the note in the cushions where Nate had been sleeping. She stopped for a moment and looked at Scott. He looked peaceful. His eyes were fluttering beneath his eyelids and she knew that he was dreaming. She wondered what about, and was struck by the fact that she used to know - even before he told her, she used to know. Nate wriggled on her hip, “ok, champ,” she smiled at him, “let’s go outside and burn off some of that energy.”

The sun gave the lawn a golden glow as it beamed down from a perfectly clear blue sky. The heat was immediately noticeable, and Tessa was pleased that she had returned to Scott’s room to grab Nate’s bag in which she found his sunscreen and hat. 

Nate was surprisingly compliant as she rubbed the sunscreen into his skin and popped his hat onto his head, “all set,” Tessa smiled up at him. 

“Good job!” Nate bounced as he touched the hat on his head. 

“Good job!” Tessa repeated as she held her palm in the air for Nate to high five. 

They started with a game of football using a ball that Poppy had left lying under one of the patio loungers. Nate ran around with wild abandon as the ball rolled across the lawn. Tessa laughed as she watched him chasing the ball and misjudging its trajectory as he kicked it. When she noticed him getting sweaty and warm, she called him over to the shade of an umbrella she’d set up. 

“Nate, do you want a drink?” she asked as she rooted through the bag for a carton of juice. Panting and smiling, Nate joined her and was grateful of the juice as he settled down next to her. 

“You’re full of energy today,” she commented with a smile as she took the hat off his head and wiped his brow dry with a cloth, “no wonder Daddy needs a nap.” 

Nate, oblivious to her words, picked at a stone that was lying in the grass. He used his fingers to lever it out of the soft ground before handing it to Tessa. 

“Thank you,” Tessa chirped as she was handed the stone. She lay it on her outstretched leg, balancing it carefully on her thigh. Seeing that his find had been accepted with enthusiasm, Nate looked around him for another stone. Spotting another, he picked it out of the grass and placed it next to the first one.

“Two stones,” Tessa accentuated the word two as she spoke. She watched as Nate looked around for a third stone. There were none in the vicinity, but the nearby flower bed, from which the first two stones had originally come, contained plenty, “I think there’s some over there,” she informed Nate as she pointed to the flower bed that was less than a metre from where they were sat. After handing his juice over into Tessa’s safe hands, he used her arm as a balance post as he got to his feet and toddled off towards the flowerbed. He bent down and carefully selected a stone before taking the few steps back to Tessa and placing the stone in its place next to the others. 

The warm sun did little to help Scott brush off his sleepiness as he stood on the deck and stretched his arms above his head. He couldn’t believe that he had fallen asleep - he hadn’t even felt that tired before he sat down. Perhaps it was the feeling of being so relaxed and at ease, rather than feeling tired, that had prompted his afternoon nap. He walked to the end of the deck and looked out over the lawn as he went. He was headed for the steps that would take him down to the lawn and the lake beyond when he was stopped dead in his tracks. The scene in front of him took the breath from his lungs and made him feel dizzy. He reached out a hand to lean against the wooden balustrade. It was like the dreams he’d had after their picnic in the park - the good bits, the bits where he felt the breeze rush through him as she ran, laughing and joyful through the trees.

He rubbed his eyes as if to check that he wasn’t still asleep. 

Images of dream Nate, green eyes blazing, flashed across his mind and he shook his head in frustration to erase them. 

“Daddy!” Nate’s voice carried across the lawn towards him and caused Tessa to look up and in his direction. She was sat with her long legs outstretched, the skin running from beneath her shorts bathed in the sun’s rays. She waved to him and he felt himself drawn forward, drawn towards her, towards the past. 

Bursting back into life, he hoped his beaming smile covered the sound of his thrashing heart as he made his way down the steps and across the lawn towards Nate. 

“Hey, bud,” he met Nate at the flower bed, “collecting stones?”

Nate didn’t answer but instead showed his dad his routine as he toddled back to Tessa and placed a stone above her knee. 

“It’s a whole new version of stone massage,” Tessa smiled up at Scott as he crouched beneath the umbrella and sat on the warm grass. 

“Sorry,” was the first word out of his mouth as he felt the need to explain himself, “I don’t usually fall asleep and leave my son unattended!”

“Don’t worry,” Tessa turned to speak to him, keeping her legs as still as possible to prevent the stones from falling, “I was glad to discover he wasn’t a mouse.”

Scott laughed heartily, “that old story,” he rolled his eyes, “you know the boys were only joking, right?”

“I’ve never gotten over it!” Tessa laughed. 

“But I am sorry,” Scott repeated, “you were working, I didn’t mean to allow him to interrupt you.”

As he spoke Nate returned with another stone and crouched down to position it on Tessa’s kneecap. He moved slowly as he realised that his latest stone was not as stable as the previous ones he had placed. Once the stone was stil, he made the return journey to the flower bed to collect another. 

“Oh, I was pleased to be interrupted,” she smiled in response, “this is the most fun I’ve had all day.”

Scott laughed, “he does have a way of making an activity out of the most mundane task,” he observed.

“It’s quite refreshing,” Tessa replied with a smile, “an appreciation of the simple things.”

“It is,” Scott nodded, “he certainly is a good form of stress relief. Well, when he’s not causing the stress, that is.”

Nate returned with a stone clutched in his fist and crouched down in order to place it on the top of Tessa’s shin. To his surprise, it slid off immediately. He retrieved it from the grass and tried again to place it next to the other stones he’d lined up. It slid off again.. Tessa and Scott looked over his head at each other with suppressed grins as they looked on, interested to know how Nate was going to solve his problem. He placed the stone back in place, and this time put his finger on it to keep it still. He sat for a moment and then looked over at the flower bed. Watching his thoughts as if they were posted as speech bubbles above his head made Scott and Tessa smile in unison. With no other choice, Nate removed his finger from the stone and hoped for the best. To his consternation, the same result transpired. Having tried unsuccessfully to solve the problem at hand, he turned to his most trusted problem solving skill: asking his dad. He held the stone out to Scott hoping he would show him how it was done. 

Scott slithered down onto his stomach so that he was at Nate’s level, and his face was next to Tessa’s legs. 

“Annoying bones!” Scott pulled a face of frustration that he knew Nate would understand, “let’s see what we can do,” Scott said as he moved his hand and face closer to Tessa’s shin so that he could place the stone carefully. 

As Scott spoke his warm breath danced along the plane of Tessa’s skin and she tried to hold her breath as she willed herself to disconnect from the feeling. She swallowed hard and silently as she willed the soft hairs on her skin not to stand on end in response to the heat that was travelling across her skin and threatening to crawl beneath the hem of her shorts. She felt her fingertips dig into the cold earth behind her as she fought to stay in the moment she was living, and not fall uncontrollably into the past. 

** A Rainy Weekend a Lifetime Ago **

_ “Scott, just because we’re at the cottage doesn’t mean we have to light a fire,” Tess spoke from beneath the large hood of the old raincoat she’d found in the cupboard underneath the stairs. She had no recollection of it having been in the cottage before, but was glad to have found it nestled beneath a set of old curtains and spare linen when Scott had headed for garden, logs in hand. _

_“It’s exactly why we have to have a fire,” Scott responded as he loaded several logs into the fire pit, “it’s not a weekend at the cottage without an evening fire.”_

_“Scott, it’s raining,” she was aware of the fact that she was stating the obvious, but from the way he was behaving, it was highly probable that he had completely missed the fact that they were standing in the rain and beneath a grey sky._

_“Once the fire’s lit it will take more than a bit of rain to put it out,” he hauled the last of the logs from where they lay at his feet and positioned them carefully. _

_“I was thinking more about us getting soaking wet!”_

_“We’ll be warm and dry once this gets going,” he insisted as he lit the fire and started to fan it. _

_Just as he’d said, the rain did little to deter the fire he had made from burning strongly, and they were soon perched on the wet grass as they watched it spit and crackle._

_“See, Virtch,” a look of triumph engulfed his face, “me man, build fire!” he beat his chest like a caveman as he spoke, sending her into a fit of laughter._

_“Me man build fire for woman,” Scott continued to speak like a neanderthal and hit his chest and bounce around on his crouched legs. _

_A hearty laugh ripped through her chest as she watched him prance around in front of her. _

_“Aren’t men meant to feed their women!” _

_“Man feed woman,” Scott waddled over to her and crouched in front of her so that they were face to face, “man ensure survival of species,” he managed to suppress his own giggle as he sent her flying backwards into the wet grass and crawled on top of her. _

_“Not your best chat up line,” Tessa giggled as she looked up at him from the wet grass. _

_He kept a straight caveman face as he used his teeth to rip the leggings from her legs and started kissing the inside of her thighs. Her howling laughter ripped through the night and crackled with the fire’s flames. Her fingers found purchase in the soft wet mud as he sucked and lapped at her gently until she came against his tongue and sent his name into the smoke above them. _

“Ok,” Scott steadied the stone as it balanced slightly to the side of Tessa’s shin bone, “let’s give that a try,” he slowly removed his fingers as he and Nate watched the stone. 

“Good job!” Nate declared when the stone stood still. Problem solved, he headed back to the flower bed. 

“I promised I’d take him down to the water,” Scott looked up at her from where he was still lying on his front, “do you want to come down? Will get you out of being the human stone holder at least.”

“Sure,” Tessa smiled, “I’d love to come.”

At the mention of a trip to the lake’s shore, the stone carrying was soon forgotten and Nate was jumping from one foot to another as he waited for his dad to gather up his bag. Scott looked into the bag to check for Nate swimming things. Realising they weren’t in there, he decided against a trip back inside to find them, and instead reasoned that Nate would only want to paddle anyway and would likely more than welcome the opportunity to shed his clothes without being forced to put them back on. 

The walk to the lake’s edge was only short and the three of them ambled (far too slowly in Nate’s opinion) down to the water’s edge. 

“He loves the water,” Scott smiled. 

“I suppose that comes with growing up next to the beach.”

“I suppose it does,” Scott replied, “although there’s something much nicer about the lake. The lack of sunbathers and hot dog sellers for a start.”

“We’re pretty lucky to have this place,” Tessa felt a sense of gratitude. 

“There’s some great memories here,” Scott agreed. 

A pause fell in the conversation as their minds floated off on their own journeys. 

As soon they set foot on the soft sandy beach Nate got to work on removing his trousers. Scott laughed as he watched his son teeter on the edge of falling over before landing on his bottom. 

“You might want to try removing your shoes first!” he advised Nate as he bent down to help his son take his shoes and socks off, “try now,” he smiled. 

Nate pulled at his trousers until they were down his legs and round his ankles. He used his feet to push them past his ankles and then finally wriggled free of them. He got to his feet and started to pull at his diaper. 

“Nate, I think you can lea-” Scott’s suggestion was quickly made redundant as the diaper hit the sand, “or not,” he laughed as he stooped to retrieve the diaper and pushed it into the bag. Nate cheered and giggled as he splashed his feet in the shallow water. Tessa removed her sandals and left them in the sand as she joined him, anxious to make sure that he was not in the water alone, despite the fact it was shallow. Scott put the bag down and sat to remove his own shoes. He watched as Tessa and Nate splashed through the water, Nate squealing as it got colder and lapped at his ankles. Shoes removed, Scott joined them, “oh,” he exclaimed, “colder than I remember.”

“You’ve been spoiled by the Florida seas!” 

“I’m sure it was never this cold!”

“Don’t think it’s the lake that’s changed!” If there was anything beneath her comment then neither of them felt or heard it because they were too busy enjoying the joyful laughter that Nate created between them. He kicked at the water and splashed them as they got nearer to him. All three of them giggled uncontrollably as they let the soft sand beneath them filter through their toes. Nate, buoyed by his excitement, ventured further into the water. 

“He doesn’t usually want to get in much past his ankles,” Scott observed as he watched his son carefully navigate the cool water. 

Nate continued to step forward and shivered and giggled as the water rose to his midriff.

“Think I’d best get prepared to get in,” Scott laughed as he stepped out of the water and removed his shorts and t-shirt. His partial nakedness escaped his notice as his mind was focused solely on his son’s excitement and safety. 

It didn’t, however, escape Tessa’s notice, who willed herself to look away. Her desire to look at his body was not one of a sexual nature, but rather of curiosity. She suddenly felt the oddness of turning her eyes away from a body that she had once known every inch of, touched every inch of, kissed every inch of. Given more time, she would have noticed the thoughts that were clambering for the shoreline of understanding as they got thrown around in her mind. Her brain felt itself tested as it acknowledged a sight so familiar, yet became overwhelmed with feelings of prohibition. Had she given her thoughts the attetention they sought, perhaps she would have realised the complicated tangle of past and future thoughts and desires that were being wound ever tighter inside her mind. The boundaries that she had so vehemently fought to erect during her recovery, those which enclosed the past and cast it into darkness, were starting to shake before they crumbled. Scott crashed back into the water, the chilly air causing goose pimples to form on his bare chest. He walked past Nate and into the deeper water. Seeing his dad ahead of him, Nate jumped with delight as a mixture of fear and excitement pulsed through him. Instinctively, he reached out a hand to grab at Tessa’s fingers in order to steady himself as he stepped deeper into the water. He clutched tightly, a clear sign of the trust that he was starting to feel in Tessa’s presence. 

“Clever boy,” Scott smiled at Nate as he watched the concentration on his son’s face. He could see that Nate was bursting to rush into the deep water, but could see his careful consideration of the dangers making him cautious. 

Nate lifted his head and looked out into the water at Scott. He saw his dad floating ahead of him and pushed further into the water. He felt his feet disappear from beneath him suddenly and a flash of panic clutched at his chest and made him yelp. The solid ground beneath him had gone and his feet scrambled for purchase. Hot tears of panic started to hit his cheeks. His anxiety was quickly relieved as he felt himself hoisted from the water and held against a warm body. 

“That took you by surprise,” Tessa cooed as she wiped the tears from Nate’s cheeks and felt his body soften and calm against hers. 

Scott watched as Nate settled. He stayed in the water, knowing that Nate was in safe hands. 

“It’s ok,” Tessa assured Nate, “you’re ok.”

Nate’s snivells died out as he realised the danger had passed. He looked out across the water at his dad, and his legs squeezed more tightly around Tessa’s waist.

“Shall we go over to Daddy?” Tessa asked Nate as she stepped slowly through the water. 

“Nate,” Scott waved at his son in order to get his attention, “are you coming?” he asked. 

“Daddy’s waiting for you,” Tessa rubbed her hand up Nate’s back as she took another few steps forward. She felt the water reach the hem of her jean shorts, and realised that any hope of staying dry was long gone. She contemplated going back to the shore and removing her shorts, but she didn’t want to break Nate’s already shaky confidence. Plus, she wasn’t wearing a bra beneath her white t-shirt, so unless she was planning to join Nate in his partial skinny dipping, there were few clothes for her to lose. 

Nate regained some of his excitement as they made progress through the water, and his anxious clutch soon turned into cheerful clapping and giggling. 

“I can see you!” Scott called out as Tessa entered the water above her waist and Nate’s bare feet skimmed the lake’s surface. 

Tessa soon found herself out of her depth and she doggy paddled towards where Scott was treading water. 

“Hello!” Scott beamed at his son as the water welled around him. He kept an arm around Tessa’s neck and reached out with the other to connect with his father. He looped his arm around Scott’s neck, pulling him closer. He bobbed happily between his dad and Tessa as the three floated together. 

“Well done, bud,” Scott left a kiss on Nate’s head as he took his half of his son’s weight. He looked at Tessa next to him and smiled at her. She smiled back, no words needed between them as they shared the happiness of the moment. 

Nate splashed about as his confidence grew. Scott’s legs paddled gently beneath the water and he couldn’t miss the soft touch of Tessa’s moving legs against his own as they were drawn together beneath the water. 

“Put him on my shoulders,” Scott submerged himself slightly in order to reduce the distance Tessa needed to lift Nate. 

“Ready to go up?” Tessa asked Nate before she pushed him out of the water and onto Scott’s waiting shoulders. 

Scott remained low in the water so that Nate was just above the surface. It was his turn to avert his eyes as Nate’s absence revealed the outline of Tessa’s soft breasts as her wet t-shirt clung to them. Scott focused on his son’s laughter in order to divert his attention away from the fluttering in his groin. 

Nate grinned as he settled into one of his favourite places on the world - atop his dad’s strong shoulders. 

“Shall we get Tessa?” a glint of mischief sparkled in Scott’s eyes as he paddled towards Tessa. Nate bounced and clapped, giddy with excitement. 

“Oh no,” Tessa feigned horror and panic, as she paddled away slowly. 

“Bessie!” Nate urged his dad forward. 

Scott made his way through the water, closing the small space between him and Tessa. Once close enough, he crouched further and sent Nate gliding through the water towards Tessa. Tessa, arms open and ready to receive the squealing toddler, yelped out in mock horror as Nate landed on her. 

“Got you!” Nate shouted out as his legs hit the water. 

Scott swam beneath the water before popping up behind Tessa and Nate. He looped his legs around her torso like a koala as his son did the same from the front and they squeezed her between them. Tessa giggled at the feeling, and could do nothing to shake them off. 

“We’ve got her now!” Scott’s breath was hot on Tessa’s neck as he spoke to Nate over her shoulder. 

“Got you!” Nate repeated as they circled around in the water, their laughter mixing with the splashing of the water. 

“Raspberry attack,” Scott announced as his lips met the skin of Tessa’s neck and he blew down to make the noise. As he broke the contact, his tongue darted out to his lips without his control. He licked her taste from the flesh of his lips and pasted across the top of his mouth. Before he could control his actions he was stroking at the scent gently with the tip of his tongue, savouring the familiarity. 

Nate copied his dad and put his lips to Tessa’s cheek. His raspberry was somewhat less successful and left a trail of salvia on her cheek which made her giggle even more. 

They laughed and played in the water until they tired. They helped Nate to splash his legs beneath the water and to make his first few strokes. Once his legs tired he clung to his dad, riding on his back towards the shore. Once they exited the water the cold air mixed with their wet clothing and caused them to feel chilly. 

Tessa became alarmingly aware of the wet clothes that clung to her body and the outline of nakedness that showed through them. 

“Here,” Scott handed her his dry t-shirt without the need for explanation, she took it gratefully, knowing that there was no acknowledgement expected. She turned her back to him before peeling off her t-shirt and pulling his on in its place. His smell filled her senses as the soft fabric settled against her skin. Despite its size and shape working against her own body, she felt the material cover her like a second skin. Yet another unfamiliar familiarity. 

“I was planning on making some dinner,” Scott informed her as they walked together back towards the cottage, “you’re welcome to join us,” he added, “if you have no plans. I don-”

“I’d love to,” she kept her gaze focused ahead as she spoke, but the smile could be heard in her voice. 

“Great,” Scott replied.

“But I’ll help,” she added.

“We can cook together,” Scott smiled at her, “all three of us.”

Her response didn’t require words as she turned to smile at him. 

Following his shower, Nate was, once again, full of energy. He raced out the bedroom and into the kitchen to join Tessa.

“What have you got there?” Tessa asked as Nate crashed into her legs holding a colouring book. 

“Choo, choo!” Nate’s train impression was enough to tell Tessa that his book was filled with pictures of trains for him to colour in. 

Scott appeared behind him, his hair still damp and showing the tracks where he had combed through it with his fingers. 

“I’ve got the colours, Nate,” he informed the bouncy toddler as he shook the tub of crayons that he was carrying. 

“Red!” Nate called out as he skidded across the wooden floor towards Scott. 

“Let’s get you somewhere you’ll be a bit more manageable first,” Scott raised his eyebrows across the room at Tessa as they both smiled at Nate’s energetic enthusiasm. Nate obliged by holding his arms out to allow his dad to lift him from the floor and into his high chair. Scott arranged a few coloured crayons on his tray along with his colouring book and Nate was soon happily adorning the page of his book with red crayon. 

“Good shower?” Scott asked as he moved over to where Tessa was making a cup of tea. 

“It was good to get warm,” she smiled, “tea?”

“Thanks.”

“Looks like you brought plenty of food with you,” Tessa motioned towards the bulging refrigerator that Scott had opened to look inside. 

“I stopped at the farm shop,” Scott smiled, “there were just too many nice things to choose from!”

“I know what you mean,” Tessa smiled as she poured the hot water into the cups she had prepared, “I get lost in there for hours.”

“Did you stop on your way here?”

“No,” Tessa took a sip of her tea, “I drove straight here.”

It was on the tip of Scott’s tongue to comment on the fact that she had always insisted on stopping on long journeys, but the tone of her silence told him it wasn’t a remark that was befitting of the situation. 

“So, what’s on the menu?” Tessa asked as she leant back against the kitchen counter. 

“Chicken Parmesan and salad?” 

“Sounds perfect,” Tessa smiled as she watched Scott remove the ingredients he needed from the fridge, “I’ll make the salad.”

Scott resisted the temptation to voice the concern that welled in his chest; experience had taught him that even salad posed a culinary challenge for Tessa. 

“Great,” he hoped he was successful in creating neutrality in his reply. 

“Don’t worry,” Tessa chuckled as she sensed Scott’s unease, “salad is within my capabilities now.”

Scott turned to say something in order to deny the existence of his apprehension, but realised that there was little point in trying to hide what Tessa already knew existed, “ok,” his smile matched hers, “you’re on salad duty.” 

Scott got to work slicing the chicken breasts whilst Tessa set about collecting the ingredients she needed to make the salad. She set out her chopping board, knife and bowl at the breakfast bar where she would be away from Scott’s workspace and near Nate. 

“Nice picture,” she commented to Nate as she pushed herself up onto the high stool and started to shred the lettuce finely. 

“Choo!” Nate responded as he continued, legs flapping, to fill the page with colour. 

“Was that his first proper swimming lesson today?” Tessa asked as she took the peeler to the cucumber and carefully removed its skin. 

“It’s the first time he’s been out of his depth,” Scott informed her, “he just paddles in the shallows when we go to the beach.”

“A big first,” Tessa smiled as she looked at Nate. 

“He’s had a lot of firsts this week haven’t you, bud?” Scott turned his attention away from his cooking and towards his son for a moment. 

Nate, oblivious to his dad’s comments, carried on with colouring. 

“We drove to Ilderton,” Scott explained as he turned back to his work, “his first road trip.”

“Wow,” Tessa spoke as she sliced the cucumber into thin rounds, “a long drive.”

“It was,” Scott nodded as he skinned and deseeded the tomatoes, “he was really good,” he informed Tessa, “I think being allowed to eat an entire portion of fries to himself probably worked in my favour!”

“You’re never too young for a road trip!” Tessa smiled, “I bet he loved it.”

“He did,” Scott nodded, “I think he was glad to get to my mom’s by the end of it though.”

“Are you going to be staying at your mom’s for a while?” Tessa’s question seemed natural, and there was nothing beneath it - that she could sense. 

“A few weeks,” Scott nodded, “Jena has gone back to Germany for a while.”

A silence fell across the kitchen, punctuated only by Nate’s scribbling. Tessa wondered whether Scott was keeping the news of his divroce from her, like her sister had. 

“I saw Jad yesterday,” the statement required no commitment from either side. 

“Oh,” Scott chopped the tomatoes before adding them to the warmed pan, “then, you know.”

“I was with Jordan,” Tessa explained, “he thought I knew,” she watched as he stirred the pan, the muscles in his back rippling gently against the fabric of his t-shirt. Something inside her, perhaps the same thing that had lived on the bench above London weeks before, compelled her to put a hand on his back and sooth the pain she could see curling itself around the sinews of the muscles she’d once massaged. She remained in her seat, rooted in the uncertainty of their relationship, “I’m sorry,” the words seemed empty as she said them. 

“Yeah,” his hands kept up the same steady rhythm as he stirred, “me too,” he stared into the pan and watched the flesh of the tomatoes break down and thickened, “Jad seems to be enjoying his life as a divorcee, anyway.”

“He seemed in pretty high spirits,” Tessa agreed, “he was talking about a trip to Peru.”

“He’s the last person you’d have thought would end up divorced.”

“No one gets married thinking they’re going to get divorced.”

“No, but he and Hanna seemed pretty solid.”

“People change, I guess.”

Words lay in the back of Scott’s throat like bile. He wanted to say that perhaps it wasn’t that people changed, but rather that they didn’t know each other properly to begin with. He wanted to say that people don’t have to change if they are honest with each other. He wanted to say that he had made a terrible mistake, but he didn’t. He let the words lie.

“Where did you see Jad?” inconsequential information was far safer.

“London,” Tessa replied, “just a bar.”

“On a girly night with Jordan?” a lightness returned to Scott’s voice, “bet that was an experience,” he chuckled lightly as he thought about the last time he’d seen Jordan. 

“It was Ava’s birthday, actually,” her girlfriend’s name felt strange on her lips as she said it, almost as if it was a word that should not have been said in his company. 

“A public celebration,” the words and the shocked tone were out before he could think about the implication they carried. 

“We go out as frien-”

“Sorry,” Scott turned to face her, “I didn’t mean for that to come out like it did.”

“It’s ok,” Tessa stopped slicing the olives she was concentrated carefully on and looked up at him, “it’s a new situation for us both,” she added as he nodded and turned back to the stove, “Ava and I, it’s a strange situation for us both,” she clarified less he thought that ‘both’ referred to anyone else. 

“I really liked her,” the pan sizzled as Scoot added the chicken breasts, “when I met her at the party. She seems really nice, clever and kind.”

“She is,” Tessa agreed, “she’s taught me a lot.”

Nate cooed in the silence and held out his hands. Tessa tickled the underside of his palm to let him know that the adults in the room knew that he was still there. He turned back to his colouring. 

“We had dinner with my mom,” Tessa wanted to talk about Ava in order to make her a more comfortable subject between them. Plus, Ava was her girlfriend, she needed to be able to speak about her to anyone, “I didn’t know how my mom would react,” Tessa arranged the slices of olive in a perfect circle on the top of the slices of cucumber, “but they got on really well, and my mom was great.”

“It was probably a bit of a shock for her,” Scott watched the tendrils of smoke climb above the pan, “you never mentioned being interested in women,” he felt the words leave his mouth in an awkward tumble, but was at peace with the fact that it was unlikely that they would leave in any other form. 

“Came as a shock to me, too,” Tessa smiled as she plucked grapes from their stalks and lined them up on her chopping board, “gender never really came into it,” she explained, “I knew when I met her that there was something radiating from her that I was attracted to, and over time, that grew.”

“Love often takes you by surprise.”

Tessa’s reply lodged in her chest. Love hadn’t been her focus with Ava. Casual companionship, no strings sex, that was all that had taken her by surprise to begin with. Now, of course, deep down she knew, even if she couldn’t bring it to her thoughts for the fear of the instability it would cause, that Ava felt more for her than she herself had the capacity to feel for anyone. She wasn’t oblivious to all that Ava was giving to her, and in her own way she was giving what she could, but beneath the stillness of the thoughts which she allowed to dominate her mind stood the truth: she would never fully love Ava, not in the way she deserved to be loved. But, in the moments she was living, in the life that was real for her then, the clarity of stillness was far from her reach;iIt was a place she could not go to because what she stood to find there, the version of herself beneath the relentless activity of her mind, was far too terrifying to contemplate. 

“It does,” were all the words that she spoke from the surface. 

They continued with their tasks, lost in their own thoughts, with the comforting and steady babble of Nate in the background. The strange familiarity that had been hovering above them all day edged a little closer to the space they were sharing. There was something almost normal about them standing on either side of a kitchen and preparing a meal with a happy child placed between them. It could, for all its near perfectness, have been a parallel universe that existed on the flip side of the decisions they had made in the past few years. A universe that would have seemed to everyone a lot more normal than the one in which they were living. 

With the table set and the oven timer beeping for Scott’s attention, Tessa settled Nate’s chair at the table and poured them all some water. 

“You really have learnt some new skills, Virtch,” Scott teased as he looked into the salad bowl, “very artistic,” he observed as he looked at the salad set out in perfect circles. 

“Day time T.V.,” Tessa explained, “watch enough of it and something goes in.”

The information lay heavy at the table. Scott was always taken aback by the snippets she showed of her life after him: after them. Although not known to him, he always ignored the references, never allowing them to sit in his mind because he did not want a window into the nightmare he knew he had helped to create. There was a future, in a universe seemingly as parallel as the one he was in, in which he would force himself to look into the darkness she had inhabited. But for that he’d need her strength as well as his, and that strength existed in a future he didn’t realise he was sitting at the dinner table creating. 

Nate proved, yet again, to be a great distractor as they ate through their food and spoke, not to each other, but to and through him. Towards the end of the meal Nate’s tiredness began to get the better of him and not even the ice cream his dad offered him was enough to encourage him out of his grumpiness. 

“I’ll get him into bed before we are treated to an evening of ‘overtired toddler’,” Scott announced as he rose from his chair and picked a crying Nate out of his high chair. 

“Night, Nate,” Tessa waved as Scott carried him away from the table and towards the bedroom. She watched them leave before getting up from the table herself and starting to clear away. 

She was just putting the final plate into the dishwasher when Scott reappeared forty minutes later. 

“Well, I think I’m as tired as him now!” he announced as he entered the kitchen running his fingers through his hair. He looked around at the cleared table and the clean kitchen, “you didn’t have to do all of the cleaning up,” he exclaimed in Tessa’s direction, “I would have come and helped.”

“It gave me something to do,” Tessa smiled as she left the kitchen, “plus, you definitely had the tougher job!”

Scott smiled at her kindness. 

“Drink?” she held up a bottle of red wine. 

“Would love one,” Scott replied with a smile as he pocketed the baby monitor that he had brought from Nate’s room. 

“I was going to sit on the deck,” Tessa explained as she poured two large glasses of wine, “you can join if you want, you know, if you’re not busy, I mean if Na-” 

The awkwardness that was never likely to have dissipated over the course of a single serving of chicken parmesan reared its ugly head. 

“Sounds perfect,” Scott smiled with ease, banishing the awkwardness back to the ether...for the time being. 

They folded back the patio doors and pulled a table and two chairs together. The table was placed between them, a physical symbol of the emotional distance they both knew was needed. Tessa placed the full glasses down on the table, one at each edge and they settled at their sides of the table, their chairs facing out to the lake and the skies beyond. The stars were easier to look into than the eyes of each other. 

Scott took a long sip of his wine, “this is good,” he smiled. 

“It is,” Tessa responded, unsure whether she was commenting on the wine or the situation they found themselves in. They both sipped quietly at their wine. Without Nate the silence between them screamed in their ears. 

“It’s still tonight,” Scott observed as they looked out at the motionless trees. 

“Very calm,” Tessa agreed as she took a gulp of wine. 

The acknowledgement of the stillness around them only added to the stagnancy of the moments that sloshed between them, and they both found themselves interested by a clothing stitch, an otherwise innocuous pebble that had made its way into the decking, or one of the tables mosaic tiles. 

Scott drained his glass of wine before declaring, “this is weird.”

“Awkward,” Tessa finished her own wine before topping up their glasses. 

“I wish it weren’t,” Scott confessed. 

His words spoke more than they could both voice. 

“Let’s pretend we don’t know each other,” Tessa suggested, her eyes never leaving the safety of the dark horizon, “that we’ve never met before. No past, just now, this moment.”

Scott thought for a moment, “ok,” he agreed, “let’s pretend,” he agreed. 

Silence. 

“Well,” Scott took a mouthful of wine and plunged in, “I’m Scott,” he announced, “I have a son,” he explained, “and I am about to get divorced.”

“Hello, Scott” Tessa followed his lead, “I’m Tessa, I don’t have a son,” she smiled as she used the humour she had depended on in so many other awkward situations, “and I am out here at the cottage because,” she took a long drink, “well, because I had an argument with my sister.”

“An argument?”

“Yehp.”

“I know about those,” Scott nodded as he drank, “you don’t end up about to sign divorce papers without getting into a few arguments.”

“I don’t suppose you do,” a small smile played on Tessa’s lips. 

“Are you close to your sister?” Scott asked.

“I am,” Tessa replied, “we’ve always been pretty close,” she explained, “but more so in the past few years,” she added, “you and your wife?”

“The opposite,” Scott smiled as he sipped at his wine, “we used to be close, but then, we...I suppose we grew apart.”

“Sometimes people start to want different things.”

Scott nodded, took a drink, and burrowed deeper into the cover of anonymity that they had created in order to protect themselves, “I am not sure we ever really wanted the same things.”

The truth sank like a rock and a morose silence fell in its wake. 

“And now you’re getting divorced.”

“We are,” Scott answered, “and,” he sighed deeply, “and I feel like a monster because…,” he clenched his jaw as he stared into the red liquid in his glass, “I feel like a monster because I feel relieved,” he admitted as he poured the liquid into his mouth and helped himself to more from the bottle, “I feel relieved that I don’t have to share myself with her any longer,” his voice was laced with a bitterness that Scott would never have allowed to surface, “I feel relieved that I don’t have to pretend to anymore,” he continued, his quiet fury building, “that I don’t have to pretend to be happy, or pretend that I don’t mind when she works all day and stays out all night, that I don’t have to pretend…,” his words tumbled out in a bitter torrent of emotion, “that I don’t have to pretend,” he repeated, his voice more steady, but the emotion balled inside of him about to breakthrough, “that I don’t have to pretend to love her,” his words were like a confession, his sins exposed.

His emotion ebbed in and out of the space between them before it settled in the darkness. 

“You can’t force yourself to love someone,” Tessa’s voice was barely above a whisper, “you shouldn’t feel guilty for admitting the truth.”

“No,” Scott’s eyes were glazed over as he spoke, “no, you can’t,” he agreed, “love isn’t something that can be controlled,” he came back to the moment as he sipped at his wine, “but it can certainly control you,” he swallowed the wine that was in his mouth.

Tessa sat motionless for a moment. The question burning on her tongue, “is that why you split up?” she asked eventually, “because you no longer loved each other?”

“Partly,” Scott nodded, “but, love,” he explained, “it’s not everything. Films, books, fairytales - those things tell you it is. Love is the only thing that matters, it conquers everything, you know? But that’s not true,” Scott shook his head, “at least for us it wasn’t enough, it would never have been enough,” he explained, “trust: that’s the most important thing,” he raised his eyebrows as he spoke, “and we never had that.”

“You didn’t trust each other?”

“She didn’t trust me,” Scott was quick to answer, “she never trusted me,” he repeated, “I…,” he paused, knowing that his next words carried a reality that could shatter the illusion they were crafting, “I gave her a lot,” the word everything would have been more accurate, but also too raw, “I gave her a lot,” he repeated, “but it wasn’t enough to make her believe that she could trust me. Trust that I was telling the truth when I said that I loved her.”

“But you trusted her?”

Scott felt himself sink. 

“I didn’t trust myself,” he lowered his head as he spoke a truth greater than any he had let himself hear before, “I wanted to,” the pain radiated from him, “I wanted to trust in my decision, in my love for her, in the choices I would go on to make,” he stopped and allowed his words to float into the air, “but, really, honestly,” he tapped at the side of his wine glass absently, “the trust she questioned in me I questioned too.”

“You were worried you would cheat on her?”

“No, no!” Scott was quick to defend not only his actions but his meaning, “I wouldn’t have cheated on, her I never cheated on her,” he clarified, “not physically,” he shook his head, “not even mentally, knowingly,” he knew his explanation lacked clarity, “but,” he slowed, “in my heart,” he touched his chest, “really, deep down, deeper than I would ever dare to look,” his voice dropped, “where it’s real,” explained, “I can’t be sure there is any space,” he stopped dead, “any space for anyone else,” he finished.

The dark sky became inkier, the stars stopped burning and for a moment the Earth’s pulse stopped as a dying ember from the past sent a ribbon of weak smoke across the surface of a budding flower growing in a sunlit future. 

“Why did you and your sister argue?” Scott’s voice cut through the thickness as he spoke and re-established the precarious balance on which their venture rested. 

“She kept something from me,” Tessa looked down at her glass and traced its rim with her finger, “about someone I used to know.”

Scott nodded in the darkness. 

“She hurt you.”

“She misjudged me,” Tessa was quick to answer, the edge of her emotion leaking through the role she was playing, “she didn’t think I could deal with the information.”

Scott didn’t dare take his eyes from the moonlight that was rippling across the lake’s surface. Looking over and into her eyes now would break the illusion they had created and shatter the fragile thread they were weaving. Her mention of Jad, her being at the cottage alone, her comments when she had thought it was Jordan coming into the cottage; it all began to make sense. His heart started to pound in his ears, “and could you?” he began, “cope with the information?”

“I think so.”

“But she thought you couldn’t?”

“She was trying to protect me,” Tessa reasoned, “from feeling sad,” she added, the words spoken created an increasing vulnerability that the pretence they had created allowed to exist.

“She knew it would make you sad?” Scott stated, “she must know you pretty well.”

“She,” Tessa felt the impression of his recent honesty upon her, “she knows that I have had a bit of a rough time recently,” she took a mouthful of wine and welcomed its taste and it numbed her senses, “she knows I’ve been to a pretty dark place,” she added. 

“That must have been difficult.”

“Immensely,” Tessa felt her wounds start to open and sting in the air, “and she was there,” she nodded, “the whole time. Beside me, never faltering.”

“Sounds like a good sister,” Scott’s voice came weakly as he spoke. 

“I don’t think I would have survived without her,” Tessa confirmed, “I…,” she pushed the cuticle of her index finger back to the skin, “I was in a place I thought I would never escape from,” her eyes were fixed on a blade of grass inches from her feet, “and there were days it felt like I could barely breathe,” she confessed, “as if there was no air left in the world, only this thick soup of pain and anger that was choking me,” reliving her pain so vividly made her body curl with pain, “I was a stranger in my own world. This world that I thought I knew, and yet everything that had ever happened in it seemed like a play, a joke, a mirage,” she furrowed her brow as she spoke, “all the time I had been living thinking that I was seeing clearly, never realising that I was looking through an invisible mist.”

Scott felt her slip from the present, away from him and into the hellish landscape she described. Every instinct inside of him wanted to propel him forward, to break the facade they had created, and to take her in his arms and tell her that nothing that they had shared or made together had been a mirage - that it was all real and was still theirs, even if it was in a past that neither of them could bare to think of. But he knew that there was nothing but more pain to be gained from such an action, and that neither of them were ready to be anything more than the anonymity they had crafted.

“Must have been some pretty big information,” Scott breathed in the cool night air and his tone offered Tessa the chance to allow the topic to lighten and fade. 

“Mmm,” Tessa nodded, lost in thought, “information that might have been big in the past,” she replied, “it was about,” she paused, the words there on the edge of truth, “it was about someone I loved in the past,” she drained her glass in a single gulp. 

The inevitable question sat there between them as real as the bottle of wine they had drained, and ticking like a bomb. It was a question too raw, too big, too dangerous and it’s answer, once out in the open - and one day it would be - would have the power to create a universe not that different to the one they had lived that evening in the cottage, on the underside of their own lives. 

A loud rustling in the nearby hedgerow dissolved their characters and brought them back to reality. 

“What was that?” Scott stood up and looked into the night, his body and mind alert. 

“Probably just a mou-”

“Shh,” Scott trained his ear on the darkness, “sounds like footsteps on the gravel.”

Tessa listened, “It will just be a fox,” she assured Scott as she gathered up their glasses and the empty wine bottle, “we saw one when we were here a few weeks ago.”

Scott, not entirely convinced by Tessa’s explanation, but happy to accept in the absence of any other more convincing evidence, shrugged his shoulders and helped her to close the patio doors. 

“I’m going to turn in,” Tessa announced, her voice carrying the sediment of their evening conversation, “long day.”

“Me too,” Scott agreed a little too quickly to be natural. 

“Night.”

“Night.”

Neither lost any time retreating to their rooms and their restless sleep. 

The following morning Scott decided on an early start back to Ilderton. He reasoned that Nate was missing his grandma and the traffic might be kinder in the early morning. Tessa was just waking as he packed the last of his and Nate’s stuff into the trunk of the car. 

“Making an early start?” she asked as she poured herself some coffee that he had left her in the pot. Her voice was light and friendly, all gravity given to it the night before lost to a clear unspoken agreement that what had happened in the dark need not be discussed in the daylight. 

“Beat the traffic,” Scott explained from the otherside of the room. 

“Good plan.”

“Yehp.”

Awkwardness took up its natural residence. 

“Well,” Scott pointed in the general direction of the car, “best get going before Nate decides he’s driving,” the joke fell flat.

“A weekend of firsts,” Tessa’s response was equally unsuccessful. 

“Ok.”

“Ok.”

“Bye.”

“Yeah, bye. Safe journey.”

The door clicked shut and the world returned to normal. Except, it didn’t, because on either side of the door, of the weekend, of the darkened deck, stood two people who knew that something had changed; a shift they didn’t dare acknowledge. 

Scott watched as his phone rang for a third time and Jena’s face displayed on the screen. He turned his eyes back to the road, unwilling as much as unable to answer the call. The screen darkened for only a moment before it lit up again, barely seconds between her calls. He huffed audibly and fixed his eyes on the road as anger swelled inside him - she couldn’t expect him to drop everything for her, not any more. The phone stopped vibrating and he welcomed the silence. Surely she would get the hint and give up. It started again, only this time the prolonged ringing was replaced by a few short blasts that told him he had a message. He side eyed the screen expecting a curt text message. What he saw made his heart leap into his mouth. On the screen, sitting above Jena’s message, _ “Tell me I’m paranoid now! Didn’t take you long, you fucking liar.”, _ was a picture of him and Tessa sat on the deck the night before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stand by for Tessa's reaction!


	26. Chapter Twenty Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter this time.

Tessa drained the last of the coffee from her cup, swilled it under the cold tap and popped it onto the draining rack. She headed for the bedroom to fold and pack the few things she had spread around the room. She was busy humming an aimless tune in order to drown out any potential thoughts of the night before when she heard her phone ring. Realising that she had left it in the kitchen, she back tracked to retrieve it. She sighed when she saw Jordan’s number on the screen. She answered the call, all remnants of her earlier anger dissolved.

“Hi,” her soft voice reached out across the chasm of their argument and told Jordan that she was ready to apologise.

“Tess,” Jordan’s voice was breathless on the other end, “you need to check your Twitter account.”

“Jordan,” Tessa sighed, “you know I don’t engage at the weekend. I’ll look on Monday.”

“Tess,” Jordan’s voice was insistent, “Tess, you need to look.”

Tessa sighed deeply and removed her phone from her ear. She had long ago disabled notifications from her social media accounts, and only engaged with them for the sake of the foundation. 

“Check your tag,” Jordan’s voice came through the loudspeaker. 

Tessa waited for the app to open, logged in with her ‘lurker account’ and waited for the page to load. The wave of nausea that hit her was enough to knock her off her feet. She stumbled to the nearest kitchen stool and used it to steady herself. 

“Shit,” she closed her eyes and rubbed at her forehead. The picture was still there when she opened her eyes again. She stared at it in disbelief. 

“Are you still there?”

There were thousands of comments. 

“Tess?”

She held her head in her hands. 

“Tess!”

“Yes, yes,” she kept her eyes shut as she shouted, “I’m here.”

“Tess, it’s everywhere,” Jordan informed her, “what’s going on?”

“What’s going on?” she shouted down the phone as she got to her feet and started to pace across the floor, “what’s going on is that some so called fan with no life has been creeping around in the bushes!” she felt anger fill her body at the thought of her privacy being so cruelly invaded.

“I know that!” Jordan’s tone was beginning to show frustration, “what I mean is-”

“I know what you mean!” Tessa shouted back, “you’re the one who told him he could use the cottage!”

“I didn’t tell you to canoodle with him on the deck!”

“We weren’t canoodling!”

“It looks pretty cozy, Tess!”

“It’s not-,” Tessa recognised her own yelling and fell limply, spent and distraught onto the sofa, “it’s not what it looks like,” she knew the words sounded feeble, despite how true they were. 

There was silence on the other end of the line. 

“Jordan,” her voice carried a tone of protest, “Jordan,” she repeated, “honestly, it’s not wha-”

“I know, I know,” Jordan soothed, “I told him he could use the cottage.”

“I know.”

“I didn’t know you were going to be there,” she said softly.

“It’s ok, Jord,” Tessa’s voice offered comfort and reconciliation, “it’s ok.”

They were both silent for a moment as the reality of the situation dawned upon them both. 

“Shit,” this time Tessa’s voice was filled with resignation as she realised the mess she was in and tried to think about what to do next. 

“Come home,” Jordan suggested, “come to mine. I’m in the city. We’ll work out what to do next.”

“Yeah, ok,” Tessa nodded as she made her way to the bedroom and started to stuff her things into her bag.

“Tess?” 

“Yeah?”

“Don’t talk to Ava before you get here.”

Despite the relaxing weekend she’d enjoyed, her drive home from the cottage was as fraught and anxiety filled as the one there had been. Her jaw remained clamped shut for the entire journey, and her fingers left almost visible imprints on the car’s steering wheel. She turned the music up to full - thoughts were out of the question. Thoughts would result in chaos, breakdown and bad decisions. 

“Come in,” Jordan pulled her through the front door the moment she’d rung the bell. She popped her head out afterwards to check that her sister had not been followed. 

Tessa hurried into the safety of the house and headed straight for the kitchen and the coffee that she knew her sister would have waiting. 

“There’s even more comments,” Jordan looked down at her phone, “since you left the cottage,” she explained as she poured coffee into cups and headed towards Tessa, “look,” she thrust the phone in Tessa’s face. 

“I don’t want to look,” Tessa protested, “I’ve turned mine off,” she informed her sister as she took the cup of coffee that was handed to her, “I don’t want to know,” she explained as she took a sip of the scalding coffee, “I don’t need to look to know what they say, anyway.”

“Hmm,” Jordan took a last look at the comments before she turned off the screen and placed her phone face down on the counter, “so?”

“I left for the cottage yesterday morning,” Tessa explained, “I needed some time,” she added, “after we fought I felt angry and I just wanted some time on my own.”

“Did Ava know where you were going?”

“Yes,” Tessa nodded, “she thought it was a good idea. She had a birthday celebration with her family yesterday, so I headed out to the cottage.”

“Was he already there?”

“No,” Tessa shook her head as she spoke, “if he had been I probably would have left the moment I saw his car,” she looked down into her coffee cup, “no,” she continued, “I got there first. Then, during the morning he showed up, it was awkward, but I didn’t really want to just kick him out the minute he got there - he had Nate with him.”

“Nate was there too?”

“Yeah, they both were,” Tessa confirmed as Jordan’s eyes widened with fear, “it’s ok, Nate was in bed,” she addressed the worry that was playing in Jordan’s eyes, “whoever took the photo didn’t know he was there,” she paused, “unless they were there earlier in the day,” she felt the gravity of a photo from the lake press upon her, “no,” she was resolute, “we’d have seen someone if they were there in the light. Plus, I’m sure a picture of us playing with Nate in the lake would have been posted by now if there was one.”

“Playing in the lake?!”

“It’s not like it sounds,” Tessa protested once more, “Scott fell asleep-”

“Fell asleep?” Jordan’s voice hit a high pitch, “what do you mean he fell asleep?”

“On the sofa, Jordan,” each word was pronounced as she extinguished the thoughts she knew were burning in Jordan’s mind, “he arrived at the cottage,” she continued with the story she had been telling, “I didn’t want to kick him out, so we decided that we were adult enough to share the cottage without getting in each other’s way.”

“Well that went well,” Jordan muttered underneath her breath. 

Tessa shot her a warning look before carrying on with the story of the weekend. 

“Scott fell asleep on the sofa and I ended up with Nate,” she explained, “when he woke up Nate and I were outside,” she went on, “Scott had promised Nate he could swim in the lake and I went with them.”

“Right.”

“We ate dinner together.”

“Sounds a lot like keeping out of each other’s way,” Jordan couldn’t hide the sarcasm in her voice as it dripped from her every word. 

“We ate dinner together,” Tessa repeated, ignoring her sister’s remark, “and then after Nate had gone to bed we had a glass of wine on the deck.”

“A glass of wine?” Jordan raised an eyebrow, “looked more like a bottle.”

“Ok,” Tessa conceded, “we had a few glasses - shared a bottle.” 

“And talked about what?”  
Jordan’s question silenced the air between them. 

“I don’t know,” Tessa lied, “stuff, nothing.”

“You looked pretty deep in conversation.”

“His divorce,” Tessa stated, “we talked about his divorce.”

Jordan’s brow furrowed. 

“Look, Jord, it was nothing,” Tessa swept Jordan’s concern out of sight, “we both ended up at the cottage, we drank a few glasses of wine, we chatted. That was it.”

“Why did you lie to me?” 

“I’m not lying to you!”

“Before,” Jordan clarified, “about seeing him at Kids’ Club?”

Tessa sighed deeply, “ok,” she held her hands up in surrender, “I did see him, I did spend time with him, but it’s not like you think.”

“What do I think?”

The question threw Tessa off guard. 

“That,” she struggled to put into words what she herself feared to hear, “that I’m going backwards,” she stated, “that I’m going to ruin the work that I’ve done by getting involved with him.”

“Are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Getting involved with him?”

“No!”

“But you’re talking to him?”

“We spoke,” Tessa confessed, “once,” she added, “we spent an afternoon together after we’d dropped the boys off at the club. One afternoon, that’s all.”

“Doing what?”

“Jordan!”

“Tess,” Jordan’s eyes fixed on her as she demanded the truth, “doing what?”

“Talking,” it wasn’t a lie. That afternoon, on the bench, they had spoken

“About?”

“Stuff.”

“You talk about a lot of ‘stuff’.”

“How he was feeling,” Tessa felt interrogated, “things were starting to fall apart between him and Jena and he wanted to talk, that’s all.”

Both women were silent. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you’d seen him?” it was Tessa’s turn to ask the questions, “that you knew he was getting divorced?”

“Because!” Jordan’s voice was strained, “because, Tess, I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Why would I be hurt by that?”

“Oh, come on, Tess!”

“Jordan,” Tessa’s voice came softly, “I know you’re looking out for me,” she put a hand on her sister’s arm, “and I understand why you didn’t tell me, but you can’t protect me from every bit of news that might upset me.”

Jordan sighed deeply. 

“Look. Jord, I know I was bad,” Tessa met her sister’s eyes, “and I know it must have been a lot to watch, to go through,” she smiled as she spoke, “but I’m not in that place anymore, I’m not sick anymore.”

“But he made you sick!”

“No, he didn’t,” Tessa told her, “Scott didn’t make me sick. Just like he didn’t make me well. That was me, Jord, all of it.”

“He brok,”

“No,” Tessa insisted softly, “I am in control, Jordan, always have been. I fell apart; me. And I fixed myself. I had help, of course, from you and from Mom and from Gloria and Ava,” she stroked her sister’s arm gently as she spoke, “but it was me, was mine,” she explained, “I have to own it, Jord, otherwise I can’t control it, and if I can’t control it then I will live in fear of it forever.”

Tears started to well in Jordan’s eyes, “I just don’t want him to hurt you again.”

“He won’t,” Tessa soothed, “he won’t. There’s nothing between us anymore, Jordan. We had a drink together, that’s all. We were civil in an unusual and awkward situation. That’s it. That’s all.”

Jordan nodded as she digested the information. Perhaps she even believed it, perhaps she even believed it as much as her sister did!

“Has Ava been in contact?” Tessa’s voice shook as she asked the question she dreaded hearing the answer to. 

“No,” Jordan shook her head as she discreetly wiped the tears from her cheeks, “you know what she’s like, she won’t have even look at Twitter any time this year!”

“Thank goodness!”

“You need to go and speak to her before she hears it from someone else.”

“I know,” Tessa moved around the kitchen counter and stood in front of Jordan, “I’m sorry,” she said as she pulled her sister into a hug, “I’m sorry that we fought, and that you were worried about me.”

“It’s ok,” Jordan’s voice was muffled by Tessa’s shoulder. “Just,” she broke the embrace and looked Tessa in the eye, “Tess, just please be careful,” she pleaded.

“I am,” Tessa smiled, telling her sister there was nothing to worry about, “it’s nothing, Jord, honest. Nothing at all.”

Jordan nodded and hoped that it was enough to reassure both of them that the lies that were filling the kitchen were made of nothing more than the products of worried minds. 

“I need to go,” Tessa stepped back and broke their eye contact. 

“Call me when you’ve spoken to Ava?” she asked as Tessa turned to leave the kitchen. 

“Sure,” Tessa smiled, and was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next - even Ava has her limits...


	27. Chapter Twenty Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so it thickens...

Tessa took a steadying breath as she knocked on Ava’s front door. She silently ran through the words she had rehearsed on the short drive over from Jordan’s house.   
The door opened almost immediately, and behind it was a rather blank faced Ava. She offered no greeting before leaving the door open for Tessa to enter and heading back into the lounge. It was all Tessa needed to realise that she was too late, and that Ava already knew about the photo. Her heart jumped into her throat as she realised that the words she had run through in the car were suddenly redundant. She stepped through the doorway and closed the front door quietly behind her. She followed Ava’s steps into the lounge and found her girlfriend sitting in one of the armchairs, covered in stillness and silence. Tessa lowered herself slowly onto the sofa and looked across at Ava. To her surprise, she did not find hard, angry eyes looking back at her, but soft and trusting ones. Ava remained still and silent, and Tessa knew she was waiting for her to explain. 

“It wasn’t planned,” it was the thing that she most needed Ava to know, “I haven’t spoken to him in a while,” she clarified, “Jordan had offered him the cottage.I didn’t know she had, or that he was going to be there.”

Ava listened with a softness around her eyes that told Tessa she was taking in the information without judgement. 

“We agreed that we could share the cottage; that neither of us needed to leave,” the sofa suddenly felt hard beneath her and offered little comfort, “we kept to ourselves. Scott fell asleep in the lounge and Nate came to my room.”

Ava’s face showed no emotion. 

“I looked after him whilst Scott slept,” Tessa explained further, “and then we played in the lake together,” she added, “we ate dinner together and then, after Scott had put Nate to bed, we sat on the deck and had a drink,” she paused to gauge Ava’s reaction at the mention of the scene captured in the photograph. 

Ava’s face remained unchanged. 

Tessa continued, her pulse throbbing in her neck as she spoke, “we heard a rustling in the bushes by the house, and thought it was a fox,” it was inconsequential information, but it was part of the story, “it must have been a fan, someone must have followed me from Toronto, or likely just taken a chance at the cottage. There’s no malice in it, just someone taking things too far.”

Ava nodded, the first acknowledgement of Tessa’s words since she had started speaking. 

“I’m sorry,” Tessa shuffled forward slightly on the sofa as she spoke. She wanted to get closer to Ava, but her girlfriend’s body language and silence told her that distance needed to be maintained, “I know what it looks like,” Tessa sighed, “the bottle of wine, the expressions on our faces,” she felt sick as she conjured a mental picture of the photograph, “it was nothing, Ava. We were talking about his divorce, that’s all. He was feeling down, I let him talk,” in Tessa’s mind the truth was starting to be rewritten “I’m sorry,” she repeated. 

Silence remained in the room for a while before Ava spoke. 

“Ok,” her voice was soft and steady, “I need you to know that I am not mad,” she made eye contact with Tessa as she spoke, “but I need some time to think,” she nodded, “I don’t want to talk about this until I have had some time to think.”

“Ok,” Tessa was quick to answer and to agree. She saw the lifeline that was being extended to her and was willing to do whatever Ava needed of her. 

“I’m going to go out for a walk,” Ava stood from her chair and crossed the room to get her jacket, “and then when I come back we can talk.”

“Ok,” it was the only word Tessa could find, “I’ll be here,” she looked up at Ava, “I’ll wait here.”

“Ok,” Ava pulled her jacket onto her shoulders and headed out of the front door. 

Ava’s feet took her out to the nearby park. It was a place she knew she could think clearly. She took a deep breath and felt the presence within her. She thought about the suffering that she wanted to understand in all people of the world, and not least in her girlfriend. She recognised the thoughts of her mind and settled in the stillness beyond them. Everyone had a past, she recognised. Her past was what allowed her to call upon her spiritual practice in order to help her to remain calm and to understand the situation in which Tessa found herself. Ava had been to the depths that Tessa had lived through. As a teenager, struggling with her sexuality she had touched the darkness that she knew the mind could create. However, as a young adult she had been engulfed by it entirely. She had been to the bottom of the world and it was only the development of her spirituality, and the ability to detach from her thinking mind that allowed her to crawl out of the pain that had encircled her. Everyday she was grateful for what she had been through because it made her the person that she was. It had opened her mind and allowed her to love herself, and then to love others. It was the reason she never pushed Tessa about what had happened to her in the past; she was aware of the way in which each person had to work through, and then surrender to, their own narrative. There was a time when she thought she needed the stories that explained her, and it took her a long time to realise that she wasn’t her past or the things that had happened to her, but that they were just events in the journey of her life, and that whilst they added to the cells that formed her, they did not make her and they did not define her. There were days when she wanted to explain to Tessa what she had found - the joy of really living; of being. But she knew better than anyone that awakening was not something that could be taught, or shown, or coached - it was slow and personal and would happen when Tessa wsa ready for it to. She closed her eyes and focused on Tessa’s suffering. She was a woman on a journey - a painful one - and Ava was a part of that journey, she knew that. She hoped that she was there at the journey’s end, but she knew that she could only be as involved as Tessa could allow her to be for now. Although Tessa couldn’t see it, Scott was a crucial part of her journey, and Ava did not want to be the reason - she had no right to be the reason - that Tessa excluded him from her healing. But there was her own heart to protect, too; allowing herself to be broken was not useful to anyone, least of all to Tessa. What was happening now with Tessa was a test of her spirituality; a test of her ability to live outside of her thinking mind and instead to live with her heart and with her soul and with the things that really made life the joy she knew it was. She took a deep breath. She needed to be consistent and she needed to be solid and she needed to be there, but she needed protection, too. She smiled as she looked at a single tulip that had sprouted at the side of the grass next to the path she was walking on. Its stillness gave her energy, and its stillness filled her with that she recognised as her truth. 

The opening of the front door made Tessa’s heart beat wildly. It felt as though she was awaiting a result, a score. All those years sat in the kiss and cry waiting for the numbers to appear felt like someone else’s life as she waited for the verdict she feared to hear - that Ava’s limit had been reached. 

“Hey,” she stood as Ava came into the room. 

“Hi,” Ava smiled, “sit down,” she said softly as she took her jacket off and took her place in the armchair she had been in when Tessa had first arrived. 

Tessa did as Ava asked. She knew that her time to talk was over, and that she was going to have to listen to what Ava had to say - even if she knew it was going to hurt. 

“I’m not mad,” Ava started, “I don’t want you to sit there worrying and thinking that I am mad, or that I want to break up with you.”

Tessa physically relaxed and let out a sigh of relief. 

“But I do want you to listen to me, Tess.”

“I am,” Tessa gave Ava her full attention. 

“You seeing Scott doesn’t bother me,” she began, her voice calm and measured, “I know there are things that I don’t know about your relationship with him, and, like I have always said - I don’t need to know anything you don’t want me to,” she explained, “but what I do know is that he isn’t just a friend from your past. He is more than that,” Ava’s eyes were soft but concentrated as she spoke, “he’s not someone who is just going to cease to exist because it suits you, or Jordan, or me, or anyone if he did. As far as I see it, he is part of your life, and that’s ok. I have no intention of telling you who you can and can’t see or talk to - and if you want me to then we have got each other wrong.”

Tessa nodded as she listened. 

“But, Tess, I think you know that I’m...” Ava stopped, “that I’ve fallen in love with you.”

Tessa lowered her head slightly at Ava’s honesty. 

“And that’s on me, that’s me and my feelings,” she was quick to add, “I don’t expect you to feel the same. I hope one day you will, but your feelings are not for me to control or to ask for.”

Tessa nodded. 

“I’m here,” Ava’s voice wavered a little as she spoke, “I’m here, Tess. For where you are right now, for where you’ve been, for everywhere you are heading. I’m here.”

Tessa felt a tear form in her eye. 

“And I’m not asking anything of you,” Ava explained, “but,” her voice softened, “Tess,” she waited until her girlfriend was looking at her before continuing, “if you’re still in love with him,” Ava said the words softly, “even just a little,” she added, “then you need to admit it,” she paused, “to yourself.”

Silence fell in the room. 

“I care about him,” Tessa’s voice shook as she spoke, “I care that he is upset and hurting,” it was as real and as truthful as she had ever allowed her thoughts to be, “but I’m not in love with him,” and as quickly as the truth had surfaced it sank, spinning in its own chaos as it fell back to the depths of her mind and joined with the other inky lies that lay thick and tangled and waiting to pull her into the airless darkness she didn’t even know she feared. 

“Ok,” Ava’s words were simple, “then you don’t need to apologise to me when you see him,” she said plainly. 

“I won’t see him, I promi-,” Tessa rushed to say. 

“I’m not asking for a promise, Tess,” Ava reminded her, “whether you see him or not is up to you, and whether you tell me or not is up to you,” she clarified, “but if things change,” she added, “if what you are telling me right now changes - that you are not in love with him - then I need to know.”

“Ok, ok,” Tessa barely listened to the words as she slid off the sofa and over to Ava’s feet. She knelt in front of the chair and placed her head on Ava’s knees. Ava’s hands found her face and the feel of her soft fingers on her cheeks made Tessa’s heart settle. 

“I’m not in love with him,” her voice was barely audible as she spoke into Ava’s flesh, “I promise,” she added, “I’m not in love with him.”

And there it stood, the truth exposed: the lies we tell ourselves are both the easiest most dangerous lies of all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up - time for Scott to do his own explaining!


	28. Chapter Twenty Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short one for you to enjoy.

Alma was waiting in the hallway as Scott pushed the front door open and dropped Nate’s bag onto the floor. She silently looked him in the eyes, a mixture of shock and disapproval resting on her lips. She held her arms out to Nate and Scott passed him to her. 

“Think before you speak, Scott,” she advised her son as he took the stairs to his bedroom two at a time. 

The isolation of his bedroom made the prospect of calling Jena even more daunting than it already felt. He dropped his jacket on the bed and headed for the laptop that was already standing open on his desk. He used the laptop for video calling because it was easier for Nate than having to peer into the small phone screen, but now the screen in front of him felt all too big and revealing. He combed through his hair with his fingers, took a deep breath and sat in front of the laptop. He opened Skype and pressed on Jena’s number. 

She answered almost immediately, her image slightly grainy on the screen. 

“Hi,” it sounded feeble as it left his mouth. He didn’t know where or how to start.”

“Hi?” Jena’s angry tone left him in no doubt about how the conversation was going to go. 

“Jena, it’s no-”

“Not what it looks like,” Jena mocked his voice as she spoke, “yeah, I know, Scott - it never is.”

“Honestly, Jen,” Scott tried to appeal to her across the space of a continent, “will you just hear me out.”

“Scott, I don’t want to hear it,” her voice was clipped, “I don’t want to hear anymore lies.”

“There aren’t any lies, Jena,” he felt himself start to bubble, “we were having a drink, that’s all.”

“At her cottage?” the question alone sounded incriminating. 

“I went there to get away for a bit,” he explained, “I didn’t know she was going to be there.”

“Scott, listen to yourself! You wouldn’t believe these lies if I was telling them.”

“They’re not lies, Jena!” he was sick of having to explain himself.

“You were with her, Scott!”

“We were having a drink!” his voice boomed in his own ears and took him by surprise, “tell me what we were doing,” he balled his fists, “tell me, in your version of this, what we were doing!”  
There was silence on the other end of the line. 

“Jena!”

“I don’t know, Scott,” the anger was steadily growing in her voice, “I don’t know what you were doing with her. I have never understood what you were doing with her. But I know something, Scott. She must be really fucking good!” the words were flung at the screen with explosive anger. 

Scott bit down on the inside of his cheek, the taste of blood hit the back of his throat. It took every ounce of his deteriorating self-control not to attack. 

“Jena,” he was barely breathing as he spoke, “Jena, nothing happened,” he spoke slowly as he kept a lid on the anger that was boiling in his chest, “we were at the cottage at the same time. It was pure coincidence. There is nothing going on between us. There was never anything going on between us when we were still together,” he spoke slowly and clearly, willing her to hear each and every single word. 

“I don’t know why I care,” Jena’s voice had settled to a simmer, “we’re getting divorced anyway - you two can ride off into the sunset and have your happy ending.”

“Jena, that’s not going to happen,” Scott shook his head, “you’ve got it totally wrong.”

“Have I, Scott?”

“Yes, you have.”

“Or maybe you have.”

“What is that meant to mean?”

“Maybe you are so blinded by her that you can’t even see what is right in front of you.”

“Jena, I haven’t got time for this.”

“Maybe you can’t see that you love her, and that you loved her all along.”

“Jena, this is pointless.”

“Go on, say it, Scott. Say that you love her.”

“Jena.”

“Say it.”

“Jena!”

“You can say it now Scott. You don’t have to lie anymore.”

“Jena, please,” he was so close to snapping that he closed his eyes in an attempt to shut her out. 

She gave in and silence fell once more. 

“Scott?” her voice was softer, the earlier anger had left it. 

“Yeah?” he opened his eyes and looked at the screen. 

“Can you just be honest with me?” 

“Jena,” his voice carried the exhaustion he felt in his mind and body, “I’ve told you already I wen-”

“No,” she interrupted him, “the cottage, the weekend, I don’t care,” she confessed, “we’re not together anymore - you’re free to do what you want. But I do want to know about when we were together. I wan-”

“Jena, I told you!”

“Just hear me out, Scott, please,” she sounded vulnerable as she spoke, knowing that the answers she wanted could hurt, but knowing that she needed them anyway, “will you answer me a few questions, please.”

“Jena,” Scott looked into her eyes the best he could through the screen, “I will answer anything you ask me, and I will be truthful. But whether you believe me is on you.”

“Ok, yeah,” Jena agreed, “but there are a few things I just need to know.”

“Ok.”

“Did you two ever sleep together once we were engaged?”

“No.”

“Before we were engaged?”

“We were sleeping together when I first met you, you know that. But once we were serious we didn’t.”

“After she’d refused your proposal?”

“Yeah,” Scott confirmed, “she said no and we decided that we needed some time apart so we didn’t see each other, and in that time things got serious between us.”

“Did you think about her then?”

“What? When we were spending time apart?”

“Yeah, when you were spending time apart and things got more serious between us.”

“I wondered what she was doing, sometimes,” he admitted, “and I knew that we had already committed to the second tour, so I wondered how things were going towards that.”

“Were you meant to help her to arrange it?”

“Of course, but she took it on. She needed time away from me and the tour was something to keep her occupied.”

“Did you talk to her during that time?”

“No.”

“Not even about the tour?”

“No,” Scott repeated, “if there was anything to do with the tour that I needed to consult on, Charlie got in touch.”

“How did she react when you said you weren’t going on the tour?”

“You know how she reacted,” Scott shook his head as he spoke, “she was gutted.”

“Did you sleep with her then?”

“What? After I’d ruined the tour she’d been working on for months? Yeah, she couldn’t keep her hands off me!” the sarcasm dripped from his words as he spoke. 

“What about our wedding?” 

“What about it?”  
“Why did she turn up?”

“I don’t know,” Scott admitted, “I sent her an invitation because it felt weird not to,” he shook his head, “I didn’t think that she would actually turn up.”

“And when she did?”

“I saw it as an olive branch, I suppose,” he said honestly, “I felt I’d been pretty shitty to her in backing out of the tour, but in the end, you know, I think she felt that not being at my wedding would be a bit of a cruel punishment.”

“When did you first sleep with her?”

“Jena, why does it matt-”

“I need to know!”

“We were kids,” he rubbed his hand across his forehead, “She was 19, something like that.”

“Was she your first?”

“Jena!”

“Scott, answer the question!”

He sighed and swallowed deeply. Jena had never asked any of these questions before, and he knew why - she didn’t want to know. He thought it best she didn’t know. 

“Scott!”

“Ok,” he conceded, “no. No, she wasn’t.”

“Were you hers?”

A pause. 

“Yes.”

“What about your other girlfriends?”

“What about them?”

“Did you cheat on them with her?”

“No, Jena,” he was sick of being cast in the role of cheating scoundrel, “Tessa and I slept together over the years - yes, that’s true. But never when I was dating someone.”

“What about when she was?”

“No, Jena,” he repeated, “we never slept with each other when we were with other people.”

“And what about during the comeback?”

He was silent for a moment as his mind floated back to the feeling of joy and safety that had filled him during the comeback. 

“You know that we were sleeping together then, Jena.”

“Were you together?”

“What do you mean?”

“Were you more involved than just sleeping together?”

“Jena, it’s complicated,” he struggled for the words to explain a time in his life that he had very little understanding of himself. 

“You asked her to marry you, Scott, you must have thought that there was more than just sex between you.”

“Jena,” there was almost a begging tone to his voice, “Jena you’re asking me questions that I just don’t have the answers to,” he explained, “I asked her to marry me, yes. Why?” he looked to the ceiling before admitting a truth he had never had the courage to face, “I don’t know.”

They both fell into silence as his words sank in. They both sat motionless on their side of the screen. 

“I’m coming home,” Jena announced as she broke the silence, “next week,” she clarified, “and I want you to have moved your stuff out of the house.”

“Jena, we said we would sort it out together,” his brow furrowed. 

“I just need you out of the house, Scott,” she explained.

“Jena, you’re not even there!”

“I know,” she nodded, “but I can’t come home to the past again. I just want to come home and sort all of this out - the divorce, Nate; everything. And in order to do that I need some space.”

Scott didn’t have the energy to argue with her, “ok,” he agreed, “I’ll move my stuff out.”

“Thanks.”

“But can we meet?”

“Why?”

“Jena, we need to speak about the future and how it is going to work!”

“Ok,” Jena nodded, “let’s meet at the lawyer’s office.”

The reality of the suggestion hit Scott in the gut, “ok,” he said weakly, “ok. Let me know when you’re due home and I will arrange an appointment.”

“Great.”

“Ok.”

“Ok. Love to Nate.”

“Sure.”

Scott ended the call and the silence was at once more stressful than Jena’s anger. He moved to the bed and sat on its edge. He closed his eyes and took a long and deep breath. He felt stranded. His marriage was over and the only life he could think of was the one he used to have. He screwed his eyes shut and banished all thoughts of the weekend and of Tessa from his mind. He needed to speak to someone - he needed some therapy. 

He needed help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned for Scott's first therapy session.


	29. Twenty Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Scott!!

Scott looked around the room and took in the soft pastel colours and the vibrant dashes of colour provided by the fabric flowers that stood carefully arranged in large vases. 

“My wife thinks flowers make people less nervous,” Adam smiled as he watched Scott’s eyes roam the room. 

Scott smiled in response as he let the soft chair he was sitting in take a little more of his weight. 

“So,” Adam looked across the room at Scott as he held a piece of paper in his hand, “from the questionnaire you filled out for us via email, I can see that you’ve had therapy before.”

“Yes.”

“And you read our client agreement?”

“I did.”

“I apologise for the formality of that,” Adam looked up from the paper, “legal requirement,” he explained, “but you understand that this time is yours?” he asked, “and that what we have in front of us is a blank slate,” he added, “no previous preconceptions exist,” he didn’t usually add the last comment when setting up the conditions in a first counselling session, but he wanted Scott to know that in their room and in their sessions he was whoever he wanted to be and that any knowledge of his public life was left at the door. 

“I do,” Scott smiled, “I appreciate that.”

“Great,” Adam put the paper down and settled back into his chair, “what brings you to therapy, Scott?”

Scott took a deep breath and then blew air to puff his cheeks. He wondered where to start. 

“Well,” he began, “I am about to get divorced.”

Adam nodded. 

“It’s not formally happening yet,” Scott added with a wave of his hand, “we’ve not met with our lawyer, or signed anything, but it’s going ahead.”

Adam gave Scott space to talk. 

“It’s what we both want,” Scott continued, “and we’re trying to get through it without tearing each other apart, but, well, it’s not easy.”

“No,” Adam nodded, “it isn’t a nice situation to be in.”

“And we have a son,” Scott continued, “Nate - he’s two. We both want to be good parents to him and to make sure he isn’t damaged by our actions.”

“You’re putting him first.”

“Absolutely,” Scott nodded, “we’ve always been very clear about that,” his words were resolute, “Jena - my wife, ex-wife, soon to be ex wife,” Scott chuckled at his own inability to define his wife’s status, “she’s in Germany at the moment for work, but she is coming back next week and we are meeting with our lawyer. Then it will all start to happen, I suppose.”

“It will become a reality.”

“Yeah, it will.”

“And how do you feel about that?”

“Conflicted,” Scott nodded with surety, “no one feels happy about the failure of a relationship, but…,” he paused for a moment as the thought settled in his mind and he allowed himself to feel it, “there’s a sense of relief as well. Arguing is exhausting and I think I just need the freedom to move on.”

“To build a new life.”

“In a way,” Scott agreed, “I mean it will be different, yes, but in many ways it will be old rather than new.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I want to move home - to where I grew up.”

“You don’t live there now?”

“No, I live in America. My wife’s from there and when we got married I moved to be with her.”

“I see.”

“But I don’t know that it ever really felt like home to me,” Scott admitted, “I think I was always a bit homesick, to be honest.”

“For Canada?”

“Partly,” Scott agreed, “but I think it was less about location and more about…,” he searched for a word to sum up the joy and freedom and love that he longed for whilst he was in Florida, “...about life, I suppose,” it was the best word he could find, “I missed my family and the unity and my friends.”

“Some people would say that those things are what make home.”

“And I think they would be right,” Scott’s smile was one of resignation as well as understanding, “I’m staying with my parents at the moment, and I feel more at home and at ease than I have in a long time.”

“Despite the difficult things you are experiencing in your life.”

“Exactly,” Scott saw the truth in his words, “and I want to move back.”

“And will you?”

“Eventually,” Scott nodded, “but my son’s life has been in Florida until now and I don’t know how I am going to reconcile the two.”

“His life and yours?”

“Yes,” Scott nodded as he spoke, “I need to work out how to make us both happy.”

“Is he unhappy?”

Scott paused for a moment and brought Nate to his mind. He saw him splashing through the water in the lake and his giggles rang through him, “no,” he smiled, “no, he’s not. In fact, when I think of him laughing and smiling and with that look of freedom in his eyes he’s in my mom’s back garden or playing football in the local park.”

“So he’s happy here, too?”

“He is,” Scott nodded through is realisation, “but Jena will want him with her, and I understand that.”

“You predict that there will need to be some form of compromise?”

“There will,” Scott acknowledged, “and I suppose that means Nate gets both, in a way.”

“He doesn’t have to be the one to compromise?”

“No, he doesn’t,” the thought only dawned on Scott in that moment. All the time he was worried about Nate missing out and having less, when, in fact, he stood to gain and to have more than he already had, “I’d never really thought about it like that before,” he admitted, “but, yes, he gets more of what he needs, not less.”

Adam nodded as he allowed Scott the space to digest his own understanding. 

“And what about you?” Adam asked, “will you get more or less?”

The question caught Scott off guard. 

“I…,” he rolled the question around in his mind, “I’m not sure,” he answered honestly, “I will get to be my old self a little more, I think.”

Scott’s brow furrowed as he sat with his thoughts. The concept of returning to something old kept playing in his mind, but he couldn’t quite grasp at anything solid. 

“I can’t explain it,” he closed his eyes as he spoke. 

“Your life will change.”

“It will,” the thoughts started to organise themselves in his mind, but they still wouldn’t fall into an order that he could understand.

“Will you change?”

The question took his breath for a moment. He had considered the external changes in his life, but he hadn’t given any thought to the internal changes that might occur - that he might be able to make happen. 

Adam could see the thoughts swirling through Scott’s mind as he tried to grasp a hold of them. 

“I want to,” his voice was soft and low when it finally came. 

“Can you?”

The toughest question of all. 

“I…,” Scott inhaled deeply, “I…,” he tried again but the words would not come, “I don’t know.”

Adam nodded slowly as he let the words air. 

“Have you changed before?”  
Scott didn’t need as long to think about his answer to Adam’s new question, “Yes,” he said firmly, “I fell into…,” he searched for the words, “I started drinking,” he explained, “a bit too much.”

“And you stopped?”

“Yeah,” he answered as he nodded his head. 

“Then you know how to change?”

Scott sat silently as understanding started to dawn in his own mind, “I didn’t do it on my own,” he answered, “I didn’t do it for myself.”

“Ok.”

“I had a reason,” Scott expanded, “and someone to help me.”

Adam didn’t ask the obvious question, rather he waited for Scott to offer it himself. 

“Tess,” he said quietly, and then stopped, “you know who she is, right?”

“Do you want me to?” Adam checked.

“Yeah,” Scott nodded - his mind favouring Adam’s prior knowledge of him rather than having to explain exactly who Tessa was to him. It was an act of self-preservation; any form of definition was far too dangerous at this point, and so Scott’s mind acted to protect him. 

“Ok,” Adam confirmed, “then, yes, I know how she is.”

“Tess,” Scott continued, “Tess helped me,” he looked down at his hands as he spoke, “she was the reason I wanted to stop drinking and wasting my life,” he explained, “I couldn’t have done it without her.”

“And this?”

“What?”

“Is this,” Adam spread his hands out as he spoke, “the situation you’re in now,” he elaborated, “something you can do without her?”

The question dropped like a stone and landed in the middle of the mess that Scott’s mind was already clambering to organise. He ran a hand down his face and felt his shoulders tense. He closed his eyes and thought at all of the times he had woken up in the middle of the night and reached across the darkness to her. How her body had always automatically responded to his touch, even through the veil of sleep. She had been there, always. At the end of long training sessions when his muscles hurt and he was ready to give up on the comeback, in the early mornings when he crawled out of his own bed and into hers to wake her up, and in the early evening twilight as he buried himself deep inside her and gave himself to the feeling of home in a foreign country. 

“I..,” his voice was dry and scratchy as it left his throat, “I don’t know that I want to do it without her,” he said finally, his own truth hitting him like a wave and washing over his reality. 

Both men sat in the silence of his confession. 

“She’s an important part of your life,” Adam offered. 

“She is,” Scott answered, “and not like it sounds,” he followed quickly, forgetting that Adam could not see into the past that was playing in this mind at that moment, “as a friend,” he clarified - one truth was enough for now, “I don’t know how to get out of this without her as my friend,” Scott looked into the wall behind Adam’s head as he spoke, “and I don’t know that I want to,” he finished. 

“Is that a choice you have?” Adam asked, “having her as your friend?”

Scott refocused on Adam’s face and he couldn’t help but let a smile creep across his lips, “possibly,” he answered, “I’m not sure.”

“What’s your relationship like now?” it was the question Adam knew he wasn’t going to get a clear answer to. 

“Complicated,” Scott answered immediately, “weird.”

“Weird?”

“There was this…,” he struggled to explain the weekend to himself as well as to Adam, “we’ve met a few times,” he settled on, not yet ready to think about the weekend and the strange game they had played on the deck, “since I’ve been back,” he explained, “we went to the park with my son and her nephew.”

“Right,” Adam nodded, “and what was that like?”

“Nice,” Scott smiled at the memory of the sun on his face and her giggling mixing with the sound of Nate’s laughter, “it was nice,” he repeated. 

Adam sensed that there was more, and he left the space for Scott to use as he wished. 

“And then we met alone,” it was like a confession as it left his mouth, “we went for a walk,” he explained, “she took me to a viewpoint,” it was the first time he had explained what had happened out loud. 

“Did you talk?”

“Yeah, we did,” Scott’s mind floated back to the bench and the feel of her arms around him, “she understood,” he started, his voice a little watery as he spoke, “she understood what I needed,” he clarified. 

“What did you need?”

“To be held,” a long silence followed his admission. He felt her breath on his ear telling him to take a deep breath, asking if there was anything he wanted to say aloud. He heard the words pour from his mouth - the truth about his marriage and how it was crumbling around him. He felt the peace that he had not felt since, “by her.”

Both men sat in thought. 

“I needed her,” Scott’s voice faltered as he spoke, “I need her,” he finally said the words that had been lodged in his chest since the day on the bench. The words that seemed so obvious and so clear to him now, as if they had been sat there all along, hiding in plain sight.

“I need her,” he repeated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next we're headed to Jordan's birthday, and a little surprise.


	30. Chapter Thirty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise in advance for just how much worse this is going to make the pain.

“Where’s Ava?” Kate asked as she greeted Tessa with a peck on the cheek. 

“She’s in the city,” Tessa replied as she made her way through to the kitchen, “she’s on her way.”

“Great,” Kate sang as she followed Tessa. 

“Happy birthday!” Tessa chirped as she set eyes on her sister and pulled her into a hug,

“Thanks,” Jordan smiled as she handed Tessa a glass of wine, “where’s Ava?”

“On her way,” Tessa repeated. Happiness settled in her bones hearing both her mother and her sister ask after her girlfriend. It had been a few days since the photo had been posted online, and she was glad that things had started to settle down again. Ava had stayed in the city after their conversation as she’d needed to be in the office for a few days, but following Jordan’s party they had planned to spend a few days in London together. They hadn’t planned anything in particular, but were both looking forward to some time that was just theirs to enjoy as they pleased. 

“Hi, Tess,” Ted entered the kitchen carrying a bottle of wine, “where’s Ava?”

“She’ll be here soon,” Tessa’s smile widened as she answered. 

Ted poured her a glass of wine and passed it to her before going off to finish setting the table.

“Where’s Ollie?” Tessa asked as she noticed the unusual quietness in the house. 

“Asleep,” Jordan answered, “Ted took him swimming earlier and he was exhausted when he got back.”

Tessa felt the remnants of something pass through her, but couldn’t reach out to grasp at the feeling. 

The doorbell rang. 

“That will be the food,” Kate announced as she headed for the door. 

“Ava!” Kate’s greeting rang through the house - clearly not the food. 

“Hi, Kate,” Ava was slightly taken aback at the woman’s enthusiastic greeting, but fell quickly into the embrace that she was pulled into. 

“It’s great to have you here,” Kate smiled as she led Ava through the hallway and into the kitchen, “let’s get you a drink.”

“Hi,” Jordan smiled as she saw Ava enter the kitchen. 

“Happy birthday,” Ava smiled at Jordan as she handed her a bottle of wine. 

“Here,” Kate thrust a glass of wine into Ava’s hand. 

“Thanks,” Ava smiled as she made her way across the kitchen and towards Tessa. 

“Hey,” Tessa’s voice was soft as she reached up and placed a kiss on Ava’s cheek. Ava tried to hide her surprise as she struggled to control the huge grin she knew was taking over her face. Tessa had never kissed her in front of anyone before, and she knew that doing so in front of her family, in her mother’s kitchen, was a big step for her. 

“Hey,” her hand stroked down the length of Tessa’s back as she looked at her and smiled. 

Tessa, hearing what was being silently said between the two of them, smiled shyly and held Ava’s eyes with hers for a moment. 

The doorbell rang again and pulled everyone’s attention towards it. 

“Now, it will be the food this time!” Kate said as she hurried towards the door. 

They all helped to put the take out onto plates and take it to the table. Tessa stepped back and looked at the scene in front of her - a happy family; her happy family. She felt blessed to have people around her that she knew cared for her and for whom she had an immense amount of love. 

“Ready to eat?” her mom’s words reached her through her the thickness of her thoughts. 

“Yehp,” she smiled as she took her seat at the table next to Ava. 

They filled their plates and their glasses before Ted hit his fork against his wine glass in order to get their attention. 

“Speech!” Tessa giggled as he stood. 

“Don’t encourage him!” Jordan smiled. 

“I’ll keep it short,” he promised as he got to his feet, “and sweet,” he winked at Jordan. 

Jordan blushed under her husband’s attention. 

Ted cleared his throat in an overly dramatic manner that drew another round of laughter from the table, “thank you for being here for Jordan’s birthday,” he began, “thank you Kate for hosting us, and to Tessa and Ava for being here,” he lifted a glass to each woman as he spoke, “I know that Jordan means a great deal to us all,” he smiled at his wife as he spoke, “she’s always there, as a daughter to Kate, as a sister to Tessa, a wife to me, a mother to Ollie, but most of all as a friend to us all. No matter what is happening in her own life she always has time for us all and our problems and our joys. She has a way of understanding that I was in awe of when I first met her, and that I am no less in awe of now. There is no one else I know who is so kind and understanding and selfless, and I know that all of our lives are richer and brighter and happier for having Jordan in them. 

“Hear, hear,” Kate and Tessa chimed in unison as they raised their glasses and looked at a rather pink faced Jordan. 

Ted acknowledged their agreement with his glass as he raised it in their direction, “I am so honoured to call you my wife, Jord,” he held Jordan’s eyes as he spoke to her as if no one else was in the room, “I love you more every moment I spend with you,” he spoke softly. 

“I love you, too,” Jordan spoke through tears that were welling in her eyes. 

“And,” Ted looked at Jordan for permission to deliver the news that they had only just themselves been told. He received a nod and looked back at the table, “and, we’re really excited,” he watched as Kate’s face lit up, “because today we found out that we’re going to have another baby,” he confirmed what Kate had already guessed. 

The noise that erupted from the table filled the room with pure joy and happiness. 

“Congratulations!” Kate was on her feet and at her daughter’s side before Ted could finish his toast. 

“Thanks, Mom,” the tears were now rolling down Jordan’s cheeks freely as she hugged her mom tightly. 

“Congratulations, Jord,” Tessa beamed as she stood up and took her turn to hug her sister, “I’m so happy for you,” she kept her arm around Jordan’s waist as she spoke. 

“Happy birthday!” Ted raised his glass to finish his toast. 

“Happy birthday!” every voice in the room sang in unison. 

They finished their meal with happy hearts and minds. Kate stood up from the table to start clearing the plates. 

“I’ll do that,” Tessa stood to stop her mother, “you and Jordan go and sit down,” she suggested. 

“You don-,”

“We’ll do it,” Ava assured Kate as she stood to help Tessa. 

Kate stopped clearing and looked over at her daughter and Ava. She hoped she managed to suppress the smile she felt brimming on her lips as she realised that the pair hadn’t had a moment alone since Ava had arrived. 

“Ok,” she smiled, “thanks, that’s kind of you.”

Jordan, Kate and Ted helped to carry the dirty dishes, cutlery and glasses to the kitchen before retiring to the lounge and leaving Tessa and Ava alone. 

Tessa shut the door and sealed them into their own space. 

“Washing up?” Ava stood a few paces from Tessa with a raised eyebrow, “you must have really missed me,” she teased, “to suffer having to wash up just to get me alone.”

Tessa tried to keep a straight face as she spoke, “just doing my sisterly duty,” she responded. 

“Right,” Ava nodded her head, clearly unconvinced by Tessa’s words. She stepped closer to her and backed her into the kitchen counter.

“You hate washing up,” Ava reminded her as she closed the space between them and slotted her leg between Tessa’s, pushing her thighs open as she moved in order to connect their bodies. 

Tessa ran her hands down Ava’s arms as she smiled up at her, “not with you,” she answered as she ran her hands over Ava’s sides and threw her a cheeky grin. 

Ava smiled at her as she pushed her harder against the counter. She found the hem of Tessa’s skirt and stroked the soft skin of her thigh as her lips left kisses on her collarbone. She felt Tessa moan beneath her lips and press herself against her left hip. Tessa’s hands found the waistband of Ava’s trouser and she pushed her fingers beneath the fabric and felt the lace of her underwear against her fingers. It was Ava’s turn to moan as she felt the heat of her own need pour through her. She found Tessa’s lips with hers and their kiss filled the nights they’d spent apart since the day the photo was circulated. Ava pulled Tessa’s thong to one side as she reached out to touch her and to show her just how much she’d missed her. Tessa responded with her own fingers and soon they were deep inside each other, stroking and pumping and pushing each other to the edge. 

“You know this is not how you wash up, right?” Ava’s words were breathless and hot as she spoke into Tessa’s ear. She followed them with a flick of her clit that she knew would drive Tessa wild. 

“Fuck,” was all the response she got as she felt Tessa start to lose control, “wait.”

Tessa pushed her own fingers deeper, hitting the spot she knew Ava loved, and would leave her powerless. 

“Tess,” it was Ava’s turn to start to lose control. 

They bit down on their screams as they both fell into the other, their legs losing stability and the kitchen counter the only thing keeping them upright. They stood, panting and motionless for a moment. Ava slowly pulled her fingers out and held them to Tessa’s lips. It was something they’d never done before. Tessa met Ava’s eyes and showed her uncertainty. Ava, seeing the vulnerability in Tessa’s eyes smiled and ran one of the fingers over her own lips before sucking it, “you taste amazing,” she whispered as she kept eye contact with Tessa. She didn’t offer the other finger again, but didn’t resist when Tessa held her hand by the wrist and moved the finger towards her own mouth. Ava felt a flutter as Tessa slowly pulled the finger into her own mouth and sucked it gently, tasting herself for the first time. 

“See,” Ava smiled gently as she watched the reaction of Tessa’s face. She kissed her lips slowly, pushing her tongue into Tessa’s mouth and the taste mixed between them. They stood in each other’s arms for a moment, spent and happy.

“Who knew washing up could be so much fun,” Tessa grinned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hotties in a hot tub, anyone?


	31. Chapter Thirty One

The moonlight glittered on the soft bubbling water of the hot tub. Tessa ran her tongue along the length of Ava’s shoulder blade and left a kiss on the soft dip between them. She tightened her grip on Ava’s torso and pulled her girlfriend’s body closer to hers. The skin of Ava’s back was soft against her naked front and she felt a fire ignite in the pit of her stomach as she moved her hands lower to rest on Ava’s thighs. 

“You feel so good,” Tessa’s voice was low and thick as she spoke into Ava’s ear. She ran her hands from Ava’s thighs, up her torso and found the soft swell of her breasts. She squeezed gently and rolled the soft flesh in her hands. 

Ava turned her head to the side and placed a kiss on Tessa’s glowing cheek, “horny, much?” she smiled. 

Tessa giggled and sucked at Ava’s bottom lip. Ava smiled and settled into the feeling, wanting Tessa to take her time with her and enjoying the feeling of floating next to her.

“What was Jordan asking you about as we left?” Ava’s question was a relaxed and benign enquiry rather than in interrogation, “she asked if you were sure about something?” 

Tessa placed a few more kisses on Ava’s neck before breaking contact and taking a breath. 

Tessa paused for a moment as she thought about her answer. 

“You don’t have to tell me-,” Ava began when Tessa didn’t offer an answer straight away. 

“No,” Tessa assured her girlfriend with a smile, “it’s fine,” she traced a finger down the damp skin of Ava’s skin as she spoke, “she’s been intercepting Scott’s calls,” Tessa explained, “we’d set up forwarding and a filter, and I asked her to remove it. He’s using my work number and I’ve forwarded it to my phone, but I’m going to tell him to just call my personal number from now on,” she continued her exploration of Ava’s body

“Ok,” there was no judgement in Ava’s voice, “that sounds positive,” she added as Tessa pushed her through the water and turned her around so that it was now Ava’s back that was against the tub’s edge. Tessa threw her leg over Ava and straddled her. 

“I thought about what you said,” Tessa sat back a little as she spoke and the water droplets that were sliding down her bare chest caught the moon’s rays “about how I can’t just ignore that he exists.”

“Absolutely,” Ava smiled. She felt her heart rest more peacefully at Tessa’s words. It seemed that her girlfriend was finally starting to make the progress that she could see she needed, “you need to normalise his existence in your life,” she offered. 

Tessa nodded, “yeah,” was all the reply she could give as Ava’s words failed to reach much beneath the surface she was living from

“New rule,” Tessa slid from her fingers between their two bodies and traced a line downwards from Ava’s navel “no men in the hot tub,” her fingers found the soft wetness between Ava’s legs and she smiled with satisfaction as she watched her girlfriend’s eyes roll. 

Ava’s laugh was punctuated with moaning as Tessa slid a solitary finger lower, “agreed,” she placed a kiss on Tessa’s lips, “no men in the hot tub.”

Tessa sucked at Ava’s right ear lobe as she added another finger and watched as Ava stopped speaking and gave herself to the fire that was building between her legs. Tessa focused all her attention on the expression on Ava’s face as she worked her girlfriend into a twist of desire. With her fingers doing the work and her lips on Ava’s skin she was able to keep the feelings that were growing in her soul in the dark. She didn’t know it, but she was treading water. She was keeping herself afloat and nothing more: she needed to be a much stronger swimmer before she was ready to plunge into the current of her real feelings and the man they were pulling her towards. 

“Morning,” Ava’s voice was crisp and clear in the morning light as Tessa opened her eyes and brought the world into focus. 

“Morning,” she responded through a sleepy haze, “what time is it?” she looked around, disorientated and clouded. 

“No idea,” Ava smiled back as she lowered the book was reading and looked over the rims of her glass, “doesn’t matter.”

Tessa rubbed at her eyes as she pushed herself up and settled back against the iron headboard of her bed. 

Ava looked over at her and smiled. 

“What?” 

“I don’t understand how you can look so beautiful the minute you wake up.”

“Charmer!”

Ava leant down and placed a kiss on Tessa’s forehead before she placed her book on the night stand next to her. 

“Guess what?” she asked as she turned on her side and leant her head against her hand. 

“What?” Tessa smiled through her sleepiness. 

“We have absolutely no plans whatsoever today,” Ava smiled as she watched the sun fall across the white sheet covering them. 

Tessa smiled in response to Ava’s comment and slid back down beneath the covers and met Ava’s eyes. 

“None at all?” she asked, her voice a whisper as she bit her bottom lip with her top teeth. 

“None,” Ava’s voice was lost in Tessa’s mouth as she pressed a soft kiss against her lips. 

“Mmm,” Tessa closed her eyes and felt her body react to Ava’s lips. 

“Coffee?” Ava broke the contact as she asked. 

“Yes please,” Tessa answered, although she was disappointed at the loss of contact. 

Ava slid out of bed and headed for the kitchen, “it’ll be waiting in the kitchen for you,” she called back over her shoulder with a grin. 

Tessa flopped back down on the matress with a groan at having been tricked into getting out of bed. 

A few minutes later she appeared in the kitchen wearing nothing more than a smile and her dressing gown. 

“Thanks,” she responded as Ava passed her a cup of hot coffee. 

“It’s a lovely day,” Ava commented as she looked out into the garden, “we should make the most of it and get out in the garden,” she suggested. 

“Coffee and sunbathing,” Tessa smiled as she sipped at her coffee and followed Ava into the garden, “could there be a more perfect morning!” she smiled as she settled into one the garden loungers that sat on the deck. 

They spent the day reading and chatting and enjoying the sun’s rays. Ava stole a glance at Tessa and felt her heart flutter. She usually avoided sentiment, realising that allowing herself to feel the love she knew was blossoming inside of her was dangerous. Tessa wasn’t in the same place as her, she knew that, and she also knew that telling herself that she was and trying to make her desire a reality was a dangerous game. She loved Tessa, of that she was becoming increasingly sure, but she also knew that she could not try to love enough for the both of them. She could only take what she was given and hope that there was more to come once Tessa was able to give it. She allowed herself, in a dangerous and unguarded moment, to see their future there in front of her; their families enjoying the sun together, Tessa’s hand in hers, perhaps even the sound of their child’s laughter in the background. She turned her face back to her book and chastised herself for giving into the fantasy she knew would only bring her pain - she knew that reality was the only place in which anyone was safe, and she pulled herself back to it. 

“You ok?” Tessa’s voice cut through the sunlight. 

Ava turned to see her looking at her, “yeah,” Ava smiled as she surfaced from the fog of her fantasy. 

“You look a million miles away.”

“Nope,” Ava dropped a kiss on Tessa’s hair as she got to her feet, “I’m right here,” she said as much to reassure herself as Tessa. She pushed her feet into the sandals that lay next to her lounger, “drink?” she asked as she headed into the kitchen. 

Tessa’s phone vibrated as Ava placed the glass of lemonade on the small table between them. She looked over at the caller ID - ‘Anon’. She remained silent as she took her place back on her own lounger. 

“Your phone’s ringing,” she informed her girlfriend. 

Tessa looked over her sunglasses at the screen. The caller ID showed ‘Anon’

Hmm,” it was the only response Tessa was capable of. 

“Aren’t you going to answer it?” 

“It’s Scott,” Tessa admitted, “he’s calling my work number and it’s coming to this phone.”

The phone’s vibrating stopped. 

Tessa looked over at the phone. 

“I am going to go out for a run,” Ava got to her feet and dropped a soft kiss on Tessa’s forehead, “you should speak to him,” she smiled as she picked Tessa’s hand up and left a kiss on the back of it before disappearing into the house. 

Tessa closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Scott was part of her life, she reasoned - he was a friend and he needed her. She needed to make his presence in her life a normality, and speaking to him on the phone was an entirely normal thing to do. She thought about the therapy sessions she’d sat in with Gloria and the strength and calm that she’d found on the bench during the afternoon she’d met with Scott. She felt the peace fill her and she knew that she could be the stronger person in their relationship, and that she could be there to listen to him and to make their lives more normal again. She had the strength and the power within her to do it. Plus, she had Ava. Why that mattered she wasn’t sure - or prepared to understand. But for some reason, in some way, having Ava meant that speaking to Scott was ok. 

Her phone vibrated again and she reached out and picked it up. Her finger hovered for a moment before she pressed it down onto the screen and answered. 

“Hi,” she made her voice sound as light and nonchalant as possible. 

“Hi,” his voice faltered as she answered. 

There was silence on the line and the distance crackled. 

“I…,” Scott took the salt and sugar packets out of the holder on the cafe table, “am I interupt-”

“No, no,” Tessa answered too quickly, “I’m just at home,” she added. 

“I just want to…,” he swallowed deeply as he tore the top from one of the sachets of sugar and emptied it into the cup of watery coffee that stood in front of him, “I wanted to see if you’re ok,” his mouth dried as he spoke. He hadn’t planned to call her. He hadn’t planned to turn off the road and sit in the dingy cafe he was in, but there he was with the phone pressed against his ear and desperate to hear her voice. Had he the insight into his own mind that he needed he would have seen how the admission he’d made about needing her had planted itself in his heart and now it didn’t seem to be able to beat without the connection it needed - the connection to her that it was, once again, becoming dependent on. He would have seen that she was like a drug - damaging and dangerous and something that he didn’t know how to live without. He would see that she was still in his veins - always would be. She was in every particle of his being, every cell and sinew. Without her he was barely alive; the living dead - in existence but never more than existing on the surface of life. But he couldn’t see inside himself, he couldn’t see past the tangle of thorns that he was too scared to fight through to get to her. The scratches, when they came, would be deep, they would scar and they would change him. But, at the end of it all, when he emerged bloody and battered, she would be there - the salve to every gash and the glory on the other side of living hell. But that light was burning too far away for him to see properly, and in that moment all he had to work on was a glimpse - the one that told him he needed her and stopped short of an explanation, “I wanted to check you were ok,” he settled on, “the photo,” he expanded, “I wanted to che-”

“I’m ok,” she answered, her voice soft, “bit freaked out, you know, but.”

“Yeah,” Scott took a sip of his coffee as he spoke, “thought we’d left the world of weird fans behind us.”

“Apparently not,” Tessa sighed. 

Silence filled the line. Tessa focused on the calm clarity that she had connected to before the call. She knew that Scott was reaching out to her, and she thought about the strength she had shown on the bench - she needed to find that again 

“How are you?” she asked. 

“Hmm,” Scott stacked three sachets of sugar on top of each other as his fingers employed themselves in order to keep his mind busy, “not the best I’ve been,” he admitted as his head dropped, “I’m on my way to Florida.”

“Oh,” Tessa heard his sadness on the line and thought about what Gloria would say to her in a similar situation, “that must be difficult.”

“It is,” Scott nodded, “Jena didn’t take the photo too well.”

Tessa looked out across the lawn - she hadn’t even thought about Jena’s reaction because she had been so wrapped up in her own problems with Ava. 

“In fact, she was pretty angry,” Scott added, “she saw it the wrong way,” he avoided using the words he knew they were both unprepared to hear from the other - that it looked like they were on a date, together, meeting in secret, having an affair - there were a whole host of ways to describe the horror of the picture, “I’m heading to Florida to clear my stuff out of the house.”

Tessa couldn’t help but hear the pain in his voice, and part of her wanted to reach across the miles to him and wrap him in her arms. She refocused her mind and straightened her back. 

“That’s tough,” it was the only response she could allow herself to give. In reality she wanted to get into her car and drive through the night to be with him so that he wouldn’t have to clear himself out of his own life alone. Down the line, in the beautiful future waiting for them, she would tell him, beneath the covers of their bed, that she’d wanted to be there, that she’d wanted to help him and that there was no distance she wouldn’t travel for him. 

“Tess,” Scott closed his eyes as he spoke, “about the cottage,” he needed to say the words lodged in his chest, “I’m sorry I didn’t leave when I realised you were there,” it was another lie that would be untold as they bared their hearts to each other, but it was the lie he, somehow instinctively, knew she needed to hear in that moment. 

“No,” she answered quickly, “it’s ok,” she assured him, “nothing happened, Scott,” and any tendril of connection that was growing between them was stopped, stunted, left to wait, “we had a drink, that’s all.”

“Exactly.”

“It sounds like you’re facing a tough weekend there,” she grew in strength as she spoke, “if you need to talk, you know, just process out loud,” her words banished every shred of emotion and feeling from her offering, “then just give me a call. Use my personal number.”

He heard the words, but couldn’t allow himself to feel them, “thanks,” he responded. 

“You’re welcome.”

“Well, I still have some miles to cover,” he emerged from any space in which anything more than banal conversation could happen, “I best get back on the road.”

“Sure.”

“Ok, thanks.”

“Thanks for calling.”

“Ok, bye.”

“Bye.”

The line went silent. Tessa placed her phone back on the table and headed into the kitchen and the bottle of wine that would wash away any thoughts that threatened to surface.


	32. Chapter Thirty Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short visit to Gloria before we head over to Florida.

“It’s good to see you, Tess,” Gloria smiled as she sat across from Tessa, “how are you?” the older woman settled back in her chair and left Tessa the space to take the session where she needed it to go. 

“I’m really good,” Tessa’s smile spread across her face as she spoke - it didn’t escape Gloria’s notice that the smile never reached her eyes. 

“Sounds very positive,” Gloria kept her voice calm and measured. 

“I’m feeling very positive,” Tessa settled into her chair as she prepared to tell Gloria about the new sense of happiness she had found, “things are really good at the moment. Things are going well with Ava and I am making some really good progress.”

Gloria noticed the surety of Tessa’s voice and wondered to what extent Tessa was really listening to her own words as they left her mouth. There was a noticeable sense of automation as she spoke.

“Ava and I spent the weekend together,” Tessa explained, “and we had a really nice time. It felt nice, you know?” Tessa left no space for Gloria to speak before carrying on, “it was Jordan’s birthday,” Tessa’s smile grew as she spoke, “she’s having another baby,” she informed Gloria. 

“That’s happy news.”

“It is,” Tessa nodded, “and Ava came to her birthday meal. Everyone was so kind to her and it felt so natural for her to be there.”

“She felt like a part of the family?”

“She did,” Tessa nodded, happy that Gloria had understood her. 

“That feels like progress,” Gloria commented, “in your relationship.”

“It really does,” Tessa was almost beaming as she spoke, “things have changed.”

“Changed?”

“Yes, there was…,” she searched for the least emotional way to describe the photograph and the issues it had caused, “there was an…,” she thought about using the word ‘incident’, but that sounded far more dramatic than she could allow for, “something happened,” she settled on.

“Between you and Ava?”

“Sort of,” Tessa nodded, “Scott and I ended up at the cottage at the same time,” she explained, “Jordan had offered him the use of it - I didn’t know.”

“I see,” Gloria nodded. 

“We had a drink together,” Tessa skipped straight to the end of the weekend - discussion of the lake and time with Nate was not yet something that she was ready for, “someone took a picture and posted it online.”

“People saw you both.”

“They did,” Tessa nodded, “including Ava.”

“It must have been a shock for her.”

“It was a shock to us all,” Tessa tried to cover the emotion in her voice with a soft chuckle. 

“How did Ava react?

“Like only Ava can,” Tessa shook her head slightly as she thought about Ava’s awe inspiring calmness. 

“Calmly?”

“Exactly that,” Tessa confirmed, “she said that she thinks it’s important to acknowledge that he is a part of my life and that I can’t just remove him from it.”

“Do you agree?”

“It makes sense,” her head nodded of its own accord as she spoke, “he was the most important person in my life for a long time.”

Gloria remained silent as she watched the cogs turn in Tessa’s mind. 

“It makes sense,” she repeated, as much to convince herself as anything else. 

“The two of you have a complicated relationship.”

“Well, we had a complicated relationship,” Tessa flicked her wrist as she spoke as if she was, subconsciously, wiping away the past and laying new ground, “I think it’s quite simple now.”

“Your relationship with Scott?”

“Yes, I mean, we’re friends,” to Tessa the statement was simple and obvious, “well, we’re becoming friends again,” she added as she tried to order the thoughts that were popping into her head with increasing speed. 

“Is it something you’re working on?”

“I’m working at it,” she nodded, “he is going through a tough time and he needs a friend.”

Gloria nodded. 

“I’ve come a long way,” it was a phrase that Tessa said so often, “and I want to help him to mend and to heal like I have.”

“That’s very kind.”

“He’s weak at the moment,” she placed him into one of the boxes in her mind so that she could control their relationship, “and he needs someone to talk to.”

“The two of you have been speaking?”

“He called me yesterday,” Tessa shared, “he was on his way to Florida.”

“How was the call?”

“It was good,” Tessa nodded, “I was strong and supportive.”

“Sounds like you were a real help to him.”

“I hope I was.”

“You want to help him.”

“I do,” Tessa paused for a moment as she heard her own words, “whilst he’s going through his divorce,” she made clear, “just at the moment.”

“And afterwards?”

“He won’t need me then.”

“Of course,” Gloria nodded as if he had missed the blindingly obvious, “and will it be different?”

“Our friendship?”

“You’ve been friends before.”

“It will be totally different,” Tessa didn’t allow herself a moment to think before she answered, “we’re not close like we used to be.”

“As friends?”

“In any way,” Tessa’s mind lingered for a moment as it tried to contemplate the meaning of her words, but she pushed on, filling the space with words so that she didn’t have to listen to the silence, or worse, her thoughts, “we were dependent on each other before,” she explained, “in our careers and in our lives. We were a partnership, but that’s not what it’s like now. Now we will be more like normal friends.”

“What will that look like?”

“I’ll be there to talk when he needs me,” she shuffled in her chair as she spoke, “and if he needs help with anything - you know, moving into a new house or something like that, then I will be able to help.”

“Practical things.”

“Yes,” Tessa nodded, “but he can talk to me about his feelings as well.”

Gloria heard the rules that Tessa was creating for her relationship with Scott.

“I’ll help him to sort through them.”

“Seems like you’ll be a good friend.”

“I hope so,” Tessa smiled. 

“And who will listen to you when you need to talk?”

Tessa was taken aback for a moment, “Ava,” she said simply, “and Jordan,” she added, “but now that she’s having another baby I can’t rely on her as much.”

“So you’ll rely more on Ava?”

“I suppose so,” she hadn’t really thought about it in such simple terms, but it was clear that Gloria was right, “we can rely on each other.”

“You and Ava?”

“Yes.”

“Does she know that you are becoming friends with Scott again.”

“She was the one who suggested it.”

“Oh.”

“After the cottage,” she paused, “the photo,” she clarified, not wanting to open the conversation to the possibility that anything else had happened at the cottage, “Ava said that I should be friends with him, and that she didn’t mind if I was.”

“She’s a strong person.”

“A very strong person,” Tessa smiled as she thought about her girlfriend, “and I’m very lucky to have her in my life.”

“Are you strong?”

“I’m stronger than I used to be,” she replied, “what I’ve been through has made me stronger, and I am grateful for that. At first I couldn’t see what I was going to gain because the pain was too great, but now I know that I’ve grown as a person. Now I can help others.”

“Scott?”

“Yes, Scott.”

“Do you have any goals for the next week?”

“To be grateful,” Tessa nodded in response to Gloria’s question, “for Ava and the relationship that we have. If you’d told me when I first started coming to see you that I would find a relationship like the one I have with Ava, I just wouldn’t have believed you. I didn’t think it was possible for me to allow someone in again, but things are so different now - I’m happy.”

“That’s a really good goal,” Gloria tried to focus on the concrete that Tessa seemed to find so difficult to grasp. 

“It is,” Tessa nodded in agreement, “I’m pleased with how things are going.”

Gloria watched as Tessa smiled from behind the wall she had erected around herself. Her profession brought her into contact with many different people from many different walks of life. Their need to talk came from a multitude of places and they went on their own journeys as she watched and guided. But there was one thing that she was learning to be increasingly true: often going backwards was the only real way of moving forwards.


	33. Chapter Thirty Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bitter sweet.
> 
> BTW, I have no understanding of American divorce laws or process at all, so just close your eyes and make believe on this one!!

Scott pulled at the tie around his neck. After spending three days lugging boxes into his car his muscles were aching, and the last thing he really wanted was the restriction of a shirt and tie. However, he knew that turning up to an appointment with a lawyer in order to file for his divorce was not an occasion that would welcome sweatpant shorts and a vest. He shifted on his chair in order to get more comfortable as he waited for Jena to arrive. The chair slid on the marble floor and the sound of the metal scraping on stone echoed through the cavernous hallway. The grandeur of the old building with its marble staircase, oversized paintings hanging in gold frames and the granite statues punctuating each alcove gave the occasion a magnitude that he hadn’t previously allowed himself to contemplate. He was, after all, about to sign the papers that would put an official end to his marriage. 

He heard Jena’s heels clicking on the stone steps before he saw her. She emerged at the top of the staircase with a straight back and fixed shoulders. She was wearing a tight blue dress that clung to her curves and afforded her a confidence that Scott hadn’t seen in her for a long time. 

“Ready?” was the only word she spoke as she pushed her sunglasses to the top of her head. 

“As I’ll ever be,” Scott replied as he got to his feet and ran his hands down the front of his pants. 

The office they entered was no less grand than the hallway they left. The walls were covered in floor to ceiling shelves that held thousands of books, their spines dry and cracked. Like the hallway, the room contained the busts of men from the history of law and order, each sitting on his own grand plinth and overlooking the room. The room was dominated by a large wooden desk, its wood shining in the sunlight that beamed through the large window behind it. On its top sat just a few pens and a jotter, all of which were neatly ordered. 

“Good morning,” Bernard Tremblay stood from behind the desk and held his hand out first to Jena, and then to Scott, “please, take a seat,” he motioned to the two chairs that were set in front of his desk. 

Scott sat down and noticed the worn ends of the chair’s wooden arms. He looked across the table at Bernard’s soft and smiling face. Like his desk, his face was clean and ordered - clearly a man who shaved every morning. The lines around his eyes were pronounced, but soft, as if they were something that he had fully accepted rather than being locked in a constant battle with his own aging. The metal name holder on his desk told Scott that Bernard was a divorce lawyer - one of the best in his field, apparently. He wondered what it was like to make a living out of other people’s failure. He thought of Bernard spending everyday sitting on the opposite of the bereft and cold and angry people who came to him for a way out of the life they had once sworn to live. He looked over at Bernard’s hand - a wedding ring. Perhaps sitting and looking at the misery of love made Bernard stronger, perhaps it gave him perspective and was a daily reminder that love, if not nurtured and cherished, could turn into its opposite - hate. He imagined Bernard slipping beneath the covers of his bed each night, eyes closing with sleep and reaching over with the last movement of his day to kiss his wife good night. 

“This is Mr Michael Wilson,” Bernard introduced the man sitting to his right, “he is an associate here at the firm, and he specialises in child custody,” Bernard explained as Michael reached across the table and shook hands with Jena and Scott, “I have asked him to join us today because of the involvement of your son.”

Scott and Jena nodded and smiled as the four of them settled down to the main business of the meeting. 

“Ok,” Bernard reached down and moved the glasses, which were hanging on a chain around his neck, to his eyes. He looked at the papers on his desk before speaking, “so, from the paperwork that you have already filled out, I can see that you are not contesting the separation,” he looked at Scott as he spoke. They had agreed that Jena would be the one to file for the divorce, but it was a purely administrative element of the procedure as far they were concerned.

“No, I am not contesting,” Scott confirmed. 

“And you want to come to an out of court agreement concerning the custody of your son, Nate?”

“Yes,” Scott answered for them both. 

“Ok,” Bernard looked up from the paper and back to Scott and Jena, “so, this should be pretty straight forward,” he smiled, “today we need to prepare the papers for the court; put forward your reasons for divorce, your proposed living arrangements following the separation, and outline the plans you have for your son.”

Jena and Scott nodded as they listened to the dissolution of their life together explained in terms of a series of administrative tasks.

“We will then present your plans to the court,” Bernard informed them, “I don’t expect you will need to attend court in person, unless there is anything that the court deems to be unsuitable.”

Scott and Jena were both glad to hear that time in court was hopefully avoidable. Neither of them wanted to prolong the separation, or to make it any more dramatic than it needed to be. 

“So,” Bernard took the lid off his ink pen and turned to a pre-printed document that was lying on the desk, “in terms of the separation,” he asked, “what reason are you citing?”

“Irreconcilable differences,” Jena stated, her voice as business-like as Bernard’s. 

“Do you agree, Scott?”

“Yes.”

“Ok,” Bernard filled in a box on the piece of paper in front of him, “and,” he turned the page, “you intend to split the proceeds from the sale of your property equally?”

“We do,” Scott nodded. In reality, he had probably contributed more to the house financially, but the money really didn’t matter to him. He was more concerned with ensuring that their split was amicable and that his son was taken care of. 

“And you both have private assets - Jena in the form of shares, and Scott in the form of personal earnings - that you are happy to keep as they are.”

“Yes,” Jena replied. She knew that Scott had a sizable amount of money earned from his career, endorsements and the tour, but she had no intention of suggesting she should share in them. She wanted a clean break and the opportunity to get on with her life. 

Bernard wrote on the document again, filling in the details he was given. 

“Now,” he licked the tip of his finger before flicking to the next page, “we come to your plans following the separation,” he looked up at Scott and Jena, “where are you both proposing to reside following your divorce?”

Scott spoke first, “I am planning to move to Ilderton,” he explained. 

“Where will you be living?”

“At first with my parents,” Scott explained, “and shortly after in my own accomodation.”

“Do you plan to buy or rent?”

“Buy.”

Bernard recorded the details before looking up at Jena, “and you, Jena?”

“I am moving to New York,” Jena’s voice was quiet as she spoke. She felt Scott’s head turn and his eyes fall on her, “sorry,” she turned to him as she spoke, “I’ve only just decided,” she explained, “yesterday, in fact,” she added, “work asked me to manage the New York office, and it seemed like a good opportunity, and it would bring Nate a little closer to you.”

Scott nodded as he listened. 

“And do you have a residence organised in New York?” Bernard asked. 

“Not yet,” Jena replied, “but my company will be providing accomodation, so I will have somewhere arranged very shortly.”

“And when is it that you plan to move?”

“As soon as possible,” Jena replied, “I need to move my stuff out of the house, and then I will be heading straight to New York.”

Bernard added the information to the document in front of him. 

“Ok,” he nodded as he put a period at the end of the final sentence that explained their circumstances. 

“So you will be working for the same company you are now?” he asked Jena. 

“Yes,” Jena replied. 

“And Scott,” Bernard turned to him, “you’re not working at the moment, will that remain the same?”

“For the time being,” Scott nodded, “I’ve been looking after my son whilst Jena has been working,” he explained. 

Bernard turned to the back page of the document and a list of numbers set out in columns, “your finances will be more than enough to support you,” he confirmed, “so that’s fine.”

With a few more details recorded and as checked what he had written, Bernard turned to Michael, “so,” he smiled, “now we turn to the arrangements for your son,” he explained, “ and Michael will take you through the details.”

“So,” Michael smiled as he looked down at the information in front of him, “neither of you are filing for sole custody of Nate, and you intend to share the parenting responsibilities in a way that will best support Nate’s development?”

“That’s correct,” Jena replied for them both. 

“And at the moment he is residing with Scott in Ilderton?”

“Yes,” Scott replied. 

“I’ve been working in Germany for the past month,” Jena added. 

“And what support do you have in Ilderton, Scott? In terms of childcare?”

“Well, as I am not working I look after Nate myself,” Scott explained, “but I also have the support of my mom and dad.”

“And Jena, you’re moving to New York, what will the childcare arrangements be once you are there?”

“I have looked at nurseries near the office,” Jena explained, “and I will be able to work from home one day a week.”

“Ok,” Michael made a few notes. 

“And have you given any thought to how the arrangements may work?”

“Well,” Jena started, “I know that Scott has more time than me at the moment, and Nate will obviously be better off with a parent than in a nursery,” her honesty told Scott that he did not need to fear a fight when it came to the parenting of his son. The one thing that they had both been clear on before starting the divorce proceedings was that Nate’s best interests were at the heart of their actions, and it seemed that Jena was staying true to her word, “but, of course, I want to be a full part of my son’s life.”

“Of course you will be,” Scott reached out and touched her hand as it rested on the chair’s arm. A stillness stood between them for a moment. 

“So we’re not looking at a fifty, fifty split at this point?” Michael confirmed. 

“I think it would make sense for him to spend the weekdays with Scott,” Jena nodded, “and then I could have him at the weekend,” she looked at Scott as she spoke, asking with her eyes whether he was in agreement. 

“That sounds fine,” Scott replied, “and we could split holidays,” he suggested. 

“Yeah,” Jena nodded, “we could sort those as they occur.” 

Michael made a note of their decisions, “so,” he continued, “you are going to be living in different locations,” he pointed out, “the judge will question how this will work and the impact it will have on Nate.”

“The flight between New York and London is about four hours,” Jena informed them. 

“So you would be doing that every weekend?” Michael’s questioning tone made the plan seem a little less realistic than it first appeared. 

“I would fly with him,” Jena explained, “it’s why I have arranged to work from home once a week, so that I can fly with him on a Friday.”

“And I can pay for a charter,” Scott offered, “that way there’s flexibility around timing and eliminates the stress at the airport.”

“Once he gets older he can fly on his own,” Michael commented. 

Jena and Scott looked at each other, neither sure of the idea of Nate flying alone, but it wasn’t something that they really needed to think about in the immediate future. 

“Ok,” Michael noted down their plans, “the judge may comment on that,” he informed them, “but given Scott’s financial stability and the time that he has to give to Nate’s care, he may feel that flying once a week won’t have too much of a negative impact on Nate.”

“And he is already quite used to flying,” Scott added.

Michael took the information and added it to what he had already written down. 

“And in terms of your personal relationships,” Michael moved on, “when he is with you, will Nate be looked after by a partner of yours - a girlfriend, boyfriend?” he asked. 

“No,” Jena responded, “just me.”

“Same,” Scott nodded. 

“That makes things a little easier,” Michael smiled. 

“And financially,” Michael started, “who will pay for the things Nate needs - clothes, shoes, toys etc.?”

They were both quiet, neither of them had really thought about the expenses that Nate would incur, or that there would be a need to share them. 

“Well,” Scott began, “he will be with me for most of the time, so I am happy to buy what he needs.”

“And I can contribute when he is with me,” Jena added. 

“It’s more usual for you to set up an account,” Michael advised them, “in Nate’s name,” he explained, “and for you both to contribute to that.”

“Ok,” they both answered and nodded at the same time. 

“Great,” Michael smiled as he went back to writing, “well,” he looked at what he had written, “I think that’s about all I need to know.”

“Ok,” Bernard took over again, “so, we will file the papers, and all being well, if the judge has no objections to the plans you have submitted, the divorce should be granted within the month.”

Jena and Scott both sat back in their chairs as the enormity of the moment washed over them both - it was real; they were getting divorced. 

“In terms of the practicalities,” Bernard, more than used to the moment of realisation that they were having, pushed on, “carry on and follow through with the plans you have put in place - moving and such,” he explained.

“And as far as Nate is concerned,” Michael spoke again, “I would suggest perhaps that he stay with Scott for the time being; until you have accomodation sorted in New York,” he spoke to Jena. 

“That sounds sensible,” Jena nodded.

“And then once you are settled, you can both decide on a weekend to begin the custody arrangement,” he advised. 

“Ok,” Scott nodded, “I think that sounds ok,” he looked at Jena as he spoke, seeking her agreement. 

“Yes, that sounds fine,” Jena smiled back at him. 

With the documents signed and their farewell handshakes given, Scott and Jena left Bernard’s office and re-entered the hallway. The silence hit them both as the reality of what they had just done sank in. They both made for the stairs, descending side by side. 

“I’m glad that’s sorted,” Jena pulled her glasses down over her eyes as they stepped out of the dark building and into the blinding sun. 

“Me too,” Scott rocked on his heels as he stood in the bustling street, a stranger to the woman who, not all that long ago, he had pledged his love and loyalty to forever, “I’ve finished at the house,” he informed her.

“Ok,” Jena nodded, “great, thanks.”

“There were a few things I think are yours,” Scott informed her, “I left them on the kitchen table.”

“Thanks.”

The silence between them grew more awkward, and Scott felt an overwhelming desire to escape from the sun and head back to the safety of his car. 

“So, call me once you’re set up in New York.”

“I will,” Jena nodded.

“And I’ll get Nate to call later.”

“I’d like that.”

“Ok.”

“Ok.”

“Bye, Jena.”

“Bye, Scott.”

His feet took him along the pavement, each step away from her filled him with a mixture of sadness and relief that he couldn’t understand. He thought about the day he had stood at the end of the church aisle and watched as she walked towards him, a huge smile on her face and the start of their life sitting there between them. He wondered in which step they’d faltered that had led them to be walking away from each other so soon afterwards. 

Back at his car, the sun had been beating down on the metal all morning and the smell of warm cardboard filled the interior. He wound the windows down, pulled out of the parking lot and headed for the long ride back to the life he should never have left. 

As he drove away from Florida and into the night, Scott turned up the music in his car and allowed it to fill his mind. There was so much to think about, so many thoughts to address, but he made sure that there was no space in the car for them. He was driving away from a life that he had thought might be the one to save him from the pain of wanting a life that had denied him. If there was one thing that he would come to learn from his marriage - and there were many - it would be that the love that beat through the heart was stronger than any love that the mind could create. A life with Jena may have made sense - the logic was flawless; they had wanted the same thing, they got on, they even loved each other, in a way. But love’s not logical - it’s messy and painful and chaotic. Real love hurts as much as it heals, and he was learning that the hard way. The love he had lost would teach him about the true value of love and when he came to grasp it again he would treasure it more than any other. Once the woman he had loved, with his heart and for his whole life, was in his arms he would come to truly understand what love was. As he drove through the night he had no idea that he was driving towards a second chance that he would spend the rest of his life feeling grateful for. 

The stars were shining in the darkness as Scott pulled into the hotel parking lot. He grabbed his overnight bag from the car’s passenger seat and headed into the hotel lobby. 

“Evening, sir,” the cheery assistant at the check in desk welcomed him. 

“Evening,” Scott smiled, “I have a reservation,” he informed her, “Moir.”

“Ah, yes,” the woman smiled as she clicked away on the computer, “room 420,” she handed a key card over the desk.

“Thanks,” Scott pocketed the card. 

“Breakfast is between seven and eleven,” the receptionist informed him.

“Great,” Scott smiled, “is the bar still open?” he looked into the empty darkness of the hotel lobby.

“It is,” the young woman informed him, “go through.”

“Thanks,” Scott shouldered his bag and headed into the darkness. A solitary barman stood behind a long bar. Tables were dotted around the room, and there were some comfortable looking booths towards the back. All of the seats stood empty and the loneliness of the place settled on Scott. There was something apt about the emptiness, and he sighed as he sidled up to the bar, mind, eyes and shoulders aching from the day. 

“Whiskey, please,” he smiled at the barman, “a double.”

“Yes, sir,” the barmen got to work pouring Scott’s drink. 

An empty booth in the shadows called to Scott and his drink and he slid onto the plush red bench seat and settled his drink on the table in front of him. He ran his fingers through his hair before putting the glass to his lips and welcoming the burn of the liquid as it ran down his throat. It reminded him that his body was still there and that there were feelings greater than those lodged in his chest at that moment. He closed his eyes and reminded himself that all things pass, and that the feeling of loneliness that was falling over him was nothing more than the weight of a moment; just a moment. He reached into his pocket and fished out his phone. His mom’s name sat on the screen - a message. He slid his finger across the screen and opened the message. There was Nate, fast asleep, hair ruffled and his favourite stuffed dog in the crook of his arm - _ He fell asleep in his high chair. Didn’t want to wake him to call you. Hope today was ok. See you tomorrow. Xx _  
He chased the tears down with another sip of whiskey. He looked into the photo and the peace that was on Nate’s face. He felt his heart burn at the sight of his son. He was going to make a good life for him and Nate in Ilderton, he promised Nate that as he looked down at the screen. He would find them a house and make it theirs, they would have their own space away from the world, and he would make sure that Nate could flourish. In his mind he painted a picture of a long lawn, a tyre swing like the one he and Charlie and Danny had built with their dad hanging from a thick tree. He would make sure that Nate grew up knowing that he was loved with no limitation - he wanted his son to know that the world was his and that there was nothing in it that he needed to fear. They would have a porch with a swing, a vegetable patch in which Nate could watch life unfurl, a pool, a sand pit, a slide, a swing - everything that his happy childhood had. Nate was his love now and he would make sure that he had everything the world could offer. He took another sip of his whiskey - it went straight to his empty stomach and he felt his head begin to cloud. He scrolled through the names in his address book as if his fingers didn’t already know exactly where he was headed. Her name came into view. The whiskey tasted thicker and hotter as it slid down his throat. She had said that he could call, he reminded himself. He looked at his watch and wondered whether she would still be awake. Another sip of whiskey kept his mind occupied as his finger pressed the call button and he held the phone to his ear and closed his eyes. 

“Hi,” Tessa answered almost immediately. 

“Hi,” he was taken off guard by how quickly her voice became real, “sorry, it’s not too late is it?”

“No, it’s fine.”

“Ok, good,” he suddenly felt the lack of words settle in his chest. 

Tessa heard his hesitation. 

“Are you still in Florida?” she asked. On the surface it was a simple question about his location, but they both knew that it was far more. 

“No,” he confirmed, “I’m in a hotel,” he informed her, “on my way home.”

Tessa took the information in - then it was done, he was as good as divorced. 

“Sorry, Scott.”

His head fell into his hands and he felt the tears that he’d been holding back all day start to burn.

“It must be tough,” her voice was soft in the darkness behind his eyes. 

He made a noise that told her he had heard, but that words were something he couldn’t find. 

She sat back in bed and took a deep breath - she was the strong one, she reminded herself. In her heart she knew that words weren’t enough for Scott - he needed to be touched and held, but words were all she had to give to their connection. Her heart wanted to reach out to him, to drive through the night and undress him and lie down next to him and hold him as he fell to sleep, but her mind knew the danger of wanting something that she wasn’t ready for, and so words were all she could give him. She hid behind her closed eyes and sent him all she could. They were floating on rafts with an expanse of pain and broken waters between them and their way back to each other was not easy, but with every word spoken they were paddling closer to each other and the lifeline that only they could provide each other. 

“Are you still there?” her voice was a whisper in the darkness. 

“Yeah,” he managed.

“You’re strong, Scott,” she assured him.

“I don’t feel it.”

“Then you’ll have to take my word for it.”

They both ignored the depth - she knew him better than other person on the planet; knew what he was capable of and could map his scars with her eyes closed. 

“I’m not even sad, Tess,” his feelings made him feel like a demon. 

“Perhaps you don’t need to name how you feel.”

He was silent as he finished his drink and placed the glass back onto the table. 

“Just feel,” her voice was low and simple. 

He nodded on the other end of the line. 

“You need to get some sleep, Scott.”

“Yeah,” he opened his eyes and rubbed at his forehead, “I do,” he agreed. 

“Worse in the dark, right?” she reminded him of one of the sayings they’d developed over their years together.

“Worse in the dark,” he smiled at the familiarity.  
There was silence on the line. 

“Do you want to get a drink tomorrow?” he closed his eyes again as he asked, waiting for the rejection. 

“Sure,” it was a simple answer, “don’t know where will be safe, though,” her voice was lighter as she chuckled. 

“Are you in London?”

“Yeah.”

“I know a place,” his voice was suddenly lighter, “pick you up at eight?”

“I’ll be ready,” the lightness of her voice rose to match his. 

“Great.”

“See you then.”

“See you at eight.”

“Night, Scott.”

“Night, Tess.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can't wait to write the next chapter!!!


	34. Chapter Thirty Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this - just a tiny taste of what's to come.

Tessa fastened the tie of her halter neck top around her neck and threw on a thin cardigan. She looked at herself in the full length mirror and wondered where Scott was planning on them having a drink. She thought of the bars in London and doubted that he knew of anywhere she didn’t. Her thoughts were cut short as her phone vibrated. 

_ Scott: I’m outside. _

She grabbed her purse from the bed and headed into the hallway. She pulled on a black baseball cap and slid a pair of sunglasses over her eyes before opening her front door and heading for his car. 

“Excuse me, miss, I think you may have the wrong car,” Scott spoke in his best English accent. 

Tessa swivelled in her seat as a shot of horror ran across her skin. 

“Oh, Tess, it’s you,” Scott grinned like an idiot at his own joke, “didn’t recognise you.”

“Funny!” she tried not to grin as she spoke. 

“As ever,” Scott grinned as he put the car into reverse and pulled off the driveway. He moved the car into the road and shot her a sideways smile as they made their way towards the intersection. 

“So,” Tessa spoke as she pulled the car’s sun visor down to use its mirror to adjust the cap she had hastily thrown onto her head, “where have you got in mind?”

“Wait and see,” Scott turned and smiled at her as he spoke. He needed to check the reaction on her face in order to judge whether she was in the mood to play along. He saw the lines of worry form around her eyes as she took in the information, “it’s safe,” he assured her, “no one will know we’re there.”

His assurance made Tessa settle a little, “ok,” she smiled at him as she sat back in her seat. 

The lightness of their initial meeting didn’t last long, and they were both soon acutely aware of the newness of the situation they found themselves in. There had been a time when sitting in the car together was something they enjoyed - a space away from everyone else, a space that was just theirs. Now it was a space all too small and too close to be comfortable. 

“When did you get back?” the houses of London turned into the green fields as they drove out of town and Tessa found something to say to kill the silence that neither of them could stand. 

“This morning,” Scott replied, keeping his eyes on the road, and grateful for her words. 

“I bet Nate was pleased to see you.”

“I’m not sure he noticed I was gone - my mom spoils him rotten.”

“He will have missed you!”

“I missed him.”

“You guys spend so much of your time together.”

“And he’s growing so fast,” Scott laughed softly, “my mom is talking about potty training him, and I know it’s time to start, but it just feels like too much growing up.”

“Makes him less of a baby.”

“Exactly!”

Nate’s toileting progress provided little stimulating and sustained conversation. 

“Jordan’s pregnant.”

“Wow, that’s good news,” Scott turned to face her, “it is good news, right?”

“Yeah,” she nodded, “it’s good news.”

“Two little ones, though - tough gig.”

“Yeah, it will be. My mom helps her out though.”

“And you do.”

“When I can,” Tessa nodded ,”how I can. Not sure how useful I am, but I try.”

“You’re really good with Ollie,” Scott turned and smiled at her to offer her the confidence that he could hear she lacked, “and with Nate,” he added quietly. 

Silence fell in the car at the mention of Tessa and Nate’s interaction and all of the memories - those already made and those waiting in the future for them to discover - it invoked. 

“I was there when Ollie was born,” Tessa smiled in order to eliminate a silence that was far too unnerving. 

“Really!” Scott smiled with more enthusiasm than was really necessary, but showed his gratitude for the elimination of the silence.

“It was amazing,” Tessa’s eyes glazed at the thought. 

“It is, isn’t it!” Scott turned to face her and saw her looking at the road ahead, mind in a different time, “I remember feeling an instant and overwhelming sense of love the minute I saw Nate.”

“It was like everything made sense,” Tessa’s gaze remained fixed on the horizon. 

Scott looked over at her and stole a long look at her face. He saw the feeling that passed over it as she spoke and he wanted to tell her that one day the moment of becoming a mom would be hers and she would feel the happiness that she was watching in that moment. 

Scott hit the indicator and turned off the main road and down a bumpy track. The change in terrain jerked Tessa out of reverie. 

“Scott,” her brow furrowed as she spoke, “where are we going?”

“You’ll see,” he smiled as he paid careful attention to the uneven road ahead, “but you have to close your eyes in a minute.”

She looked at him with suspicion.

“It’s nothing bad,” he assured her, “but you know this place.”

“Scott, we’re in Ilderton,” Tessa smiled at him, “of course I am going to know it!”

“Which is why you need to close your eyes,” he explained with simplicity, “if you see the route we’re taking then you will know where we’re going and the surprise will be ruined.”

“How can it be a surprise if I kno-”

“Tess!” his tone was the one he used when she became overly logical and untied the knots of his deliberately illogical actions. 

“Ok,ok,” she threw her hands into the air in surrender and closed her eyes.

“And keep them closed,” he instructed as he pulled his car to a stop, “stay there,” he ordered as he pulled the key from the ignition and opened his door. He rummaged in the car’s trunk and grabbed the cooler he had packed. After loading himself up, he stepped through the long stalks of golden wheat that he had parked in and made his way to the passenger door. He pulled it open and the warm evening air filled the car. 

“Ok,” Scott instructed as he took her elbow, “you need to get out now,” he said as he supported her as she put her feet on the ground and stood up, “take a few steps,” he guided her as she moved away from the door and he pushed it shut. He placed a hand in the small of her back, “it’s not very far from here,” he informed her as they started walking, “that’s it,” he assured her as she stepped forwards cautiously. 

Tessa could smell the familiar smell of the fields that Ilderton nestled in. It was a smell that she was all too familiar with. It was the smell of her arguments, kisses and her past. She stepped forward and felt the tall stalks brush against her leg. She felt a sense of nostalgia fall over her. It was strange how you often didn’t notice the absence of something until you held it again. As she walked through the warm fields she realised all that she was missing. She realised that there was a part of her that she had forgotten about; that had become buried in her scramble for renewal. She had a worrying moment in which she wondered whether she really was whole - she brushed it from her mind as quickly as it had appeared - there was no space for question, not when the question could unmask the reality that she had fought so hard to obscure from her own view. 

“Almost there,” Scott’s voice was soft at her ear, “turn here,” he held her shoulders and they took a right. She felt Scott’s hand on her head and a slight pressure, “mind your head,” he warned. The sun’s warmth was suddenly turned to a coolness as she felt the sun extinguished. 

“Ok,” Scott’s smile was audible as he removed his hands from her body, “open!”

Tessa took a moment to get her bearings. 

“Oh my goodness!” she burst into life, “I had totally forgotten about this place!”

“Take a seat madam,” Scott pointed to a wooden bench, “this is a very exclusive establishment, but I can see that your name is on the guest list,” he checked an imaginary clipboard. 

They were standing in a small wooden hut with an earth floor. It was no more than two meters across and had a small bench at each side which was big enough for one person to sit on. The walls, which were made from single wooden planks, were straight and simple. The hut stood in the middle of the wheat field, its purpose to offer a farmer shade in the heat of the sun or shelter when it rained. It was just about big enough for two people. Tessa took a seat on the bench that was attached to the left hand wall of the hut and put her feet up so that they were resting on the bench opposite her.

Scott placed the cooler he was carrying onto the floor and took up the bench on the right hand side so that he was sitting next to Tessa’s feet. He uncapped two bottles of beer and passed one to Tessa before putting his feet on the bench next to her. 

“Cheers!” he declared with a smile as he passed her a bottle of beer. 

“Ten out of ten for the five star location,” Tessa smiled as she lifted her bottle into the air before taking a swig of the cold beer. 

They both sat in silence for a moment. Unbeknownst to the other, they were both thinking about the last time they had found themselves in the very same hut together and the sense of love and joy that had filled them then. The memory was too raw and too disturbing, and they both sent it to the darkness before it had a chance to bloom. 

Tessa felt the moment settle on her and she reminded herself of the reason they were together - so that she could help Scott with how he was feeling - so that she could use the strength that she had developed herself to help her friend to find the peace that he lacked. She knew from her own experience with Gloria that it could sometimes be difficult to find the words to start speaking about how you felt, so she took the initiative and started the conversation so that Scot didn’t have to. 

“Do you want to talk about yesterday?” she asked. Her voice was soft as she spoke, but there was an audible restraint in it that indicated the fact that she was speaking from a place of thought rather than feeling. 

Scot took a mouthful of beer and made himself more comfortable on the bench, as if settling in for the long haul.

“I was nervous from the moment I woke up in the morning,” he began, “it was weird because I was in the house on my own. Jena stayed with her parents, so it was just me in this half empty house. I’d spent a few days packing up my stuff - sorting through things, putting them into boxes and loading them into my car,” he explained, “but it wasn’t until I got up in the morning that the emptiness really became apparent. I’d removed myself bit by bit and so I suppose I hadn’t really noticed how empty the house had become, but when I got up and went to the kitchen it was as if I didn’t even know the house: I didn’t feel anything, you know?”

Tessa only nodded to let him know that she had heard and that she understood what he was describing to her. 

“The kitchen had really been the focal point of the house,” Scott went on, “Nate and I ate breakfast there every morning, we had family meals together, birthday teas - all the important moments in our lives seemed to have happened in that kitchen, and yet when I stood in it yesterday morning it was like that had all been packed away somewhere.”

“Must have felt strange.”

“Really strange,” Scott nodded slowly, “and then I went to the lawyer’s office,” he carried on as he twisted the beer bottle in his hand and took regular short sips, “and the building was just so amazing. It had these huge stone pillars in the lobby and this marble staircase that dominated the whole room. It reminded me of that castle in Scotland.”

Tessa nodded at the reference. 

“It was cold and grand and the gravity of the situation just hit me there and then,” Scott shook his head in disbelief as he spoke, “I hadn’t really let in the enormity of it all in until then,” he explained, “with all of our arguing and travelling and trying so hard to be civil to each other, I hadn’t really allowed my mind to focus on the what was really happening. It wasn’t until I got into the building that it all started to feel so important.”

“It started to feel real.”

“”Exactly that,” Scott nodded at Tessa’s words, “exactly that,” he repeated slowly as his mind flew back to the moment, “and I waited in the hallway on my own - sitting there in a shirt and tie; I couldn’t even remember the last time I wore a shirt and tie! And then I realised that it was all over - my marriage, I mean - and that I was actually getting divorced.”

They both sat in silence for a moment and sipped at their beers. The enormity of the moment that Scott had painted wasn’t lost on either of them, and neither was the cloaked question that lay beneath his words - if it had been them, if it had been their marriage - would he still have found himself in the same position? 

“Bernard - the lawyer -,” Scott explained with a motioning of his hand, “he was so nice,” Scott’s voice told Tessa that he wasn’t expecting to find a nice man at the other end of one of the worst moments of his life, “he was soft and kind. And I was there wondering how he could sit and watch such misery all day every day!” he took a long swig of his beer and almost emptied the bottle, “I mean, imagine that, Tess - watching people get divorced every single day!”

Tessa blew air through her lips at the thought before taking another long mouthful from her bottle, “tough job.”

“Not one for me!”

“No, nor me.”

“And it was all so clinical and cold,” Scott went on, “like it was an administration task,” he explained as he drained his bottle and reached to the cooler for another one. He took a second bottle and offered it to Tessa - she took it gladly, “well,” he uncapped the beer and threw the metal cap into the cooler, “I suppose it is just an admin task at that point. The damage is done and the decision has been made.”

“I suppose so,” Tessa reasoned, “and you guys had managed to do it pretty amicably.”

“Yeah,” Scott nodded, “at least that’s something. Jena was actually a lot calmer about it than I thought she would be.”

“That’s good.”

“It was weird, though,” Scott barely heard her words as he pressed on with his story, the words pouring out of him as he relived the day, “hearing Nate’s name in it all. There was another guy there who dealt with the custody arrangements, and he spoke about Nate like he knew him whilst at the same time the way he said his name just sounded odd.”

“Did he agree with the arrangements you’d decided on?”

“Well,” Scott took a long drag from his bottle, “Jena is moving to New York.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” Scott nodded with a smile, “it was a surprise to me, too.”

“She hadn’t mentioned it?”

“She’d only just decided!” Scott explained, “her company offered her a position in New York before the meeting.”

“At least it’s closer than Florida.”

“That’s the good thing about it,” Scott nodded, “will make sharing Nate a little easier.”

“So,” Tessa’s word was tentative as she knew that they were coming to the most sensitive part of the story, “what did you agree about Nate?”

“That I would have him for the majority of the time,” there was nothing Scott could do to prevent the wide smile from breaking across his face. 

“That’s great news,” Tessa’s smile matched his as she watched his eyes light up, “that’s great, Scott,” she repeated as she touched his bare ankle where it sat next to her on the bench. 

“I know,” Scott’s smile widened, “he is going to live with me - here - during the week, and he will be with Jena in New York for the weekends.”

“You’re moving back?”

“Yehp,” Scott popped the ‘p’ as he let the word roll happily from his mouth, “well, I suppose, technically I have already moved back,” he smiled, “all I own is now in my mom’s garage, so I guess that is where I reside right now!”

“And in the long term?”

“Here,” Scott said simply, “I am staying right here,” he drank happily, “I’m going to find a place for me and Nate and we’re going to live here in Ilderton.”

“House hunting,” Tessa smiled, “that will be fun.”

“I’m hoping so,” Scott nodded, “I want something homely,” he set out, “somewhere Nate can run around in the garden and feel the fresh air.”

“Sounds perfect.”

“You’ll have to help me look,” the excitement in his heart made him forget any of the awkwardness that had existed between them, and he was overwhelmed by the desire for her to be included in the excitement he was feeling, “and decorate!”

There was a silence as his excitement settled and the present came back to settle between them. 

“If you want to,” his words deflated, “I mean, if you hav-”

“I’d love to,” her smile was sweet and her words genuine. 

They smiled at each other as they enjoyed the coolness of their beer and their hearts enjoyed the growing friendship and intimacy. 

“And,” Scott took a breath as he delved into his own vulnerability, “I’ve started counselling,” he informed her, “started seeing someone.”

“That’s really good, Scott,” Tessa’s voice floated across the small space between them and held him through the vulnerability of his admission. 

“It’s always helped in the past,” Scott explained, “but Jena was never keen,” the pain of the past coloured his voice for a moment, “I think it helps to talk,” he added, “it helped us,” he offered. 

“It did,” Tessa nodded at the reference to their past, “I’ve been seeing someone too,” the truth fell easily from her lips after he had laid the foundations with his own, “Gloria,” she added, “she’s really helped.”  
“Helped you work through things?” Scott’s voice was tentative. 

“Yeah,” Tessa felt exposed. 

Silence fell once more as Scott searched for the right words to say. He wanted to say that he was sorry, and that he hadn’t meant to hurt her. He wanted to know that had happened to her - he knew it would tear him apart to know it, but he felt as if he deserved that - as if he needed to take his portion of the pain. He felt that she had suffered for both of them and he wanted to take back some of the suffering from her. His words were tentative when they came. 

“Tess,” he looked down at his fingers as he spoke - her eyes were too real and too deep for him to focus on, “I know things have been bad for you,” the words felt so inadequate, “and I know that you’ve suffered a lot.”

Tessa felt the blood burn in her ears. She looked to the floor. The air was suddenly sucked out of the hut and she felt the heat of the evening cling to her lungs. 

“I just want you to know that I am-”

“No,” she had to stop him, she couldn’t bear to hear any more - to hear the word that she knew was about to tumble from his lips and take away the ownership she had fought for. The ownership of her past, of her pain, of her mind - of all that had happened and all that she had become. 

“Ok,” Scott’s voice was gentle and reassuring, “Tess?” he lifted his eyes to find hers looking at the ground, “Tess,” his voice more insistent this time, “look at me.”

She heard his words and they spoke to something dormant within her; a trust that not even the pain she had suffered could erase. She lifted her head slowly. Her eyes found his, deep and warm. 

“Ok,” his voice dropped to a whisper. It was a single word said softly, but it was enough to tell her that she was safe with him. He was not going to push her any further. He had heard her word and he had backed off, was at a distance and wouldn’t approach again. Their eyes held each other for a moment before they both sat back against their side of the hut and enjoyed the cold beer as it slid down their throats. 

“Did you get Poje’s email?” Scott lightened the air once more. 

“Kaitlyn’s due any day,” Tessa was glad of the change in conversation.

“Are you going to the party?”

“Yeah,” Tessa nodded, “are you?”

“As long as my mom can have Nate.”

“Will be good to see everyone again.”

“It will,” Scott’s voice was a little less than convincing, “he had been distant from Andrew and Kaitlyn since he moved to Florida and he felt nervous at the thought of seeing them again.

“I’ve not seen them for ages,” Tessa said as she sensed his trepidation. 

“Everyone’s having babies!” Scott smiled. 

“I know!” Tessa returned his smile, “I had no idea that Jordan and Ted were planning another, but I am happy for them. It will be nice to have a baby around again.”

“A little brother or sister for Ollie.”

“And the age gap isn’t too bad.”

“Nate is going to be so pleased when he realises that he’s going to be living so close to Ollie.”

“It’s going to be nice,” Tessa smiled, “they get on so well.”

“They do,” Scott agreed. 

Tessa passed Scott her second empty bottle and he fished in the cooler and passed her a fresh one. 

“Have you got any plans for what you’re going to do for work?” Tessa asked as she threw the bottle cap into the cooler. 

“Not really thought about it,” Scott’s voice was nonchalant. 

“I thought maybe you’d think about coaching,” Tessa said casually. 

Scott let cold beer run down his throat in the hope that it would drive away the issue that he had been so successfully ignoring since he turned his back on the tour, “no,” he said finally. 

“Have yo-,” Tessa didn’t need to finish the question - Scott knew exactly what she was about to ask. 

“No,” he said firmly, “I haven’t,” he added, “have you?”

“No,” she admitted. 

For both of them skating was a part of a past that they didn’t dare to go back to for fear that it would never be the same. They were both scared that it would feel different, that the passion and the closeness and the joy that they felt when they were skating with each other would be gone. And they were both terrified that it wouldn’t, and that it was there sitting in wait. That the love and the happiness they’d spent the comeback wrapped up in had not changed and was waiting there for them and that once they tasted it again all they had done since would be tainted because they both know that there was nothing that could compare. 

“Do you remember the last time we were in here?” Scott’s voice filled with a reminiscence that they both knew they were not going to be able to deny for the entire evening. Now that the alcohol was swilling through their veins there was a boldness and an unguardedness that allowed them to journey into the past. 

“That’s still one of my favourite days,” Tessa smiled as she thought about the hot day they had driven through Ilderton and thanked the people who had supported them for two decades. 

“Mine too,” Scott joined her smile, “that night with the music playing and the warm evening it was perfect.”

“It really was,” Tessa agreed. 

Scot sat with his thoughts for a moment. The smell of the warm grass filled him and the image of Tessa dancing next to him in the cooling heat came to his mind. They had been so careful to stay at a distance that day. He’d found it excruciating, and, in hindsight, it was one of the days that had fuelled his need to make things official between them. He’d loved every moment of the day, and he knew that he would remember it forever, but he knew that he would also remember the absence of her hand in his and the restraint he’d had to show when all he’d wanted to do was to show her that he loved her - to dance with her beneath his hometown stars, to bring their story full circle and to hold the woman that he loved in the place that he loved and to feel truly home. 

“Even when it was over,” Scott reached into the cooler and took out a cloth, he unrolled it to reveal a hip flask. He unscrewed the top and tipped the opening to his lips. He held it out towards Tessa, and she took it from him and did the same, “I was so wide awake. I felt like I wasn’t going to be able to sleep for a week.”

After the music had stopped and everyone had gone home they’d walked through the fields by the light of the full moon. They’d talked about the day and how they’d felt. The highlight reel played on and on in their minds and they sat in the hut that evening and talked until the sun came up. Neither of them had wanted the day to end, had wanted to eek every minute from it before it was over and a part of the past. They’d sat in the hut drinking from the same hip flask they were holding in their hands at that moment. They’d taken each other on a journey through their childhoods, their career, their comeback and their secrets. They’d made out like teenagers, enjoying the feeling of each other after a day spent stood next to each other yet apart. They kissed like they were kissing for the first time, like they had just met. They were kissing the newness they had become now that a chapter of their lives had closed behind them. It was a beautiful freedom laced with a fading to loss and they both clung to each other and the unknown that they knew they had to embrace. 

“What about you?” Scott’s voice was ragged as he tried to shake himself from the past and bring the present moment back to life, “how’s the foundation and the book?”

“Good,” Tessa nodded, “well, the book isn’t going so well, but I have some plans for the foundation.”

“That’s good,” Scott nodded, “is the book something you have to do?”

“It’s something I want to do,” Tessa answered, “I just want to make a difference somehow.”

“You have made a difference,” Scott furrowed his brow as he spoke, “you’re a successful sports person, a gold medalist an O-,”

“I don’t want to be remembered for skating,” Tessa interrupted him. 

Her words were like a stake driven through his chest. All that they had created together, all they had fought for, given so much of their lives to, and she wanted it to be a thread in the background of her life; living out of focus in the background. He swallowed his emotion - it was far too big for the tiny hut. 

They sat for a few more moments and sipped at the whiskey. 

“It’s late,” Tessa looked at her watch. 

“I’ve had too much to drive,” Scott informed her as he screwed the top back into the hip flask, “do you want to come back to the house and call a cab?”

“Yeah,” Tessa smiled as she got to her feet, “sounds like a good idea.”

They went back to the car and deposited the cooler into the trunk before heading across the field towards Joe and Alma’s house. The wheat made a soft noise in the breeze and the air was filled with the sound of insects basking in the warmth of the evening. There was a peace that the inside of the hut had held back from them and they both enjoyed it in their own way. Scott felt it as a homecoming - the familiar sounds of the night filled him with a sense of belonging and a sense of happiness at the life that lay before him. For Tessa it was a sound of the past, not the future. It was the sound of midnight walks and shared secrets. 

“Want a ride?” Scott asked as he crouched down and invited Tessa onto his back. It was a relic of their youth - she’d always complained about long walks and in order to placate her he’d always promised to carry her through the last part of any journey. With a smile, she hopped onto his back and folded her arms around his neck. He was warm and solid and a memory tried to work its way into her mind, but the night was too raw and the past too close, so her fear kept it at the whisps of her seeing and out of mind. As they walked she smelt him rise around her, his scent rubbing off his skin and landing on hers. For a moment she was filled with him and something beat through her that threatened to consume her and control her. She closed her eyes and focused on the sounds of the life around her and the distant thrum of car wheels on Tarmac. She could not give into the moment. She could not allow herself to become entwined with him. The knots they had wound each other into were yet to be untangled and any movement now would fuse the coils beyond a state of redemption. 

Once the back gate of Joe and Alma’s house was in sight, Scott bent and let her down from his back. It was a route she’d taken a thousand times before, but her absence from it had changed it and it seemed now to look and feel so different from what she remembered. It no longer held the safety of familiarity. Scott untied the gate and let her through before joining her and securing the rope around the gate post. They made their way through the garden and towards the kitchen door that Alma always left open. They picked their way through a garden filled with a day of play, and Tessa smiled at the remnants of Nate. Unlike the path to the gate, the darkened kitchen felt unchanged to her as they felt their way through the darkness and Scott shut the door to the hallway before turning on the light. 

“Do you want some water?” he asked, his voice hushed. 

“Please,” she replied as she carefully pulled a chair from beneath the kitchen table and sat down. 

Scott poured two glasses of cold water and set them on the table. He reached into his pocket for his phone and dialled the number of the local taxi firm. 

“Hi, Riz,” Scott smiled as the phone was lifted on the other end, “I need a cab from my mom and dad’s into London.”

There was talking on the other end of the line that Tessa couldn’t quite make out. 

“Ok,” Scott nodded, “no, I understand,” he traced the shape of a flower on the table cloth as he spoke, “no worries,” he ran his fingers through his hair as he spoke, “ok, see you around.”

He put the phone down on the table. 

“They don’t have any cabs,” he informed Tessa, “Marty broke down earlier tonight and Riz is looking after his daughter for the night.”

Tessa took in the information as Scott spoke. 

“You can stay here,” Scott’s suggestion was simple, “my mom keeps the basement made up.”

Tessa thought about refusing the offer, but knew that there was no alternative. 

“Sure,” she nodded, hoping that her voice didn’t betray the worry she felt at the suggestion, “thanks.”

They both sipped at their water in silence. Scott got to his feet and went to the fridge, he took a piece of paper from it that was held down with a magnet. 

“Nate’s latest masterpiece,” he smiled as he put the piece of paper in front of Tessa. 

Tessa smiled at the slashes of bright colour on the page. 

“I’ve given up trying to work out what it’s meant to be,” Scott smiled.

They sipped at their water for a moment before Tessa pressed the back of her hand to her mouth in order to stifle a yawn. 

“Time for bed,” Scott smiled as he got to his feet and put his empty glass on the drainer. Tessa stood and followed him out into the darkened hallway and down the stairs to the basement. Scott pushed open the door and reached around the corner in the darkness to find the light. The room was illuminated and Tessa was surprised to see it unchanged since the last time she had visited. 

“Still here waiting for ya’,” Scott smiled as he moved into the room. 

Tessa laughed softly. She had spent more nights in the Moir’s basement than she could count. The soft walls were the backdrop to many a childhood sleepless night before competition. As a teenager she’d stayed still in the darkness listening for the creak of Scott’s step on the stairs and the slow careful opening of the door before his warm body slipped under the sheet beside her and rested against hers so that she could fall asleep. As an adult their movements had been no less clandestine, but it had not been sleep they sought from each other between the sheets then. 

“Everything is still in the same place,” Scott informed her as he motioned towards the bathroom that lay behind a closed door, “and Mom keeps fresh towels in the closet.”

“Thanks,” Tessa moved further into the room. 

“I enjoyed tonight,” Scott smiled as he turned to leave, “thanks.”

“Me too,” Tessa smiled, feeling suddenly exposed. 

Sleep well,” his words floated across the room to her as he put his hand to the door.

“You too,” Tessa’s voice followed him out of the room and up the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wonder how Nate (and his grandparents) will react when his new friend turns up for breakfast!


	35. Chapter Thirty Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We hear ya', Charlie...we hear ya'!

“Bessie!” 

Any hope Tessa had of making an understated entrance into the Moir’s kitchen was firmly extinguished by Nate’s cries that accompanied the banging of a spoon on the tray of his high chair. 

Alma swivelled on her feet and turned from the sink with a shocked expression on her face. Joe almost choked on his coffee as he lowered his paper and looked over it. For a moment they stood frozen and rooted in their disbelief. 

“Mor...Morning, Tess,” Alma was the first to thaw and come back to the reality of the kitchen. 

“Morning,” Tessa managed. 

“Sit,” Joe was on his feet and pulling the chair next to him out from the table, “sit down,” Joe smiled as he found his voice and hospitality. 

“Thanks,” Tessa shuffled across the kitchen to the chair, “thanks,” she repeated as she turned sideways to slide past Nate’s chair and take the chair Joe was offering. 

Tessa felt the tendrils of her freshly washed hair fall on the bare skin of her neck as she wrapped her cardigan a little closer around her body in order to cover the bare skin of her shoulders. 

“Coffee,” Alma stated as she moved back to the sink and pulled a cup from the cupboard, “I’ll get you coffee,” she explained as her words started to come more easily. 

“Bessie!” Nate repeated when he didn’t get the attention he wanted from his friend. 

“Morning, you,” Tessa smiled wide at Nate, grateful for his intervention, “you’re full of beans.”

“Oh, he’s always full of beans first thing in the morning,” Joe chuckled as he folded his paper and placed it on the table in front of him before taking up his coffee mug. 

“Coffee,” Alma placed a cup in front of Tessa. 

“Thanks,” Tessa smiled as she started to feel more at home and grateful that the awkwardness was starting to fade a little, “there were no cabs,” Tessa explained, “Scott said it would be ok if I stayed in the bas-”

“Of course it’s ok,” Alma’s enthusiasm showed through her words and she caught herself and toned down her excitement, “of course it’s ok,” she repeated this time a little more controlled. 

Tessa opened her mouth to explain that she and Scott had been for a drink together, but was interrupted by a piece of soggy toast being thrust into her face. 

“Thanks,” she smiled at Nate as she took the piece of toast from him with a smile and wide eyes. 

Nate, happy with himself for sharing his food, picked up a piece of toast and shoved it, fist first, into his mouth. 

Alma chuckled as she watched Nate and then turned to Tess, “eggs?” she smiled, “poached?”

“No, thanks,” Tessa didn’t want to put Alma to any trouble, and neither did she want to outsay her welcome, “I should call a ca-”

“You can’t go without breakfast,” Alma’s voice carried the wisdom of a mother and left Tessa with no choice in the matter, “won’t take me a minute,” she smiled as she wiped her hands on her apron and went back to the stove. 

Joe shot Tessa a smile and a look that told her there was no chance of her being in Alma’s kitchen and going without food. Tessa smiled back and a light chuckle played at the corners of her mouth. 

“Poached eggs would be lovely, Alma,” Tessa smiled, “thanks.”

“Morning, Champ!”

“Da!”

Nate greeted Scott in much the same way he’d greeted Tessa. Scott went straight to his son’s high chair with a huge smile on his face. 

“What have you got there?” Scott asked as he looked at the soggy mess in Nate’s fist. 

“Toast!” Nate waved the toast in the air to show his dad. 

“Is it yummy?”

“Yum yum,” Nate pushed the toast into his mouth with renewed enthusiasm. 

Tessa smiled as she watched them interact. She liked how Scott’s face always lit up when he spoke to Nate. There was something so natural about him as a dad. 

“Morning,” Scott smiled at Tessa as he took a seat between her and Nate. 

“Morning,” Tessa smiled as she made space for him at the table. 

“Sleep ok?”

“Great, thanks.”

“And this one has been keeping you company for breakfast,” Scott tilted his head in Nate’s direction. 

“I’ve been served toast,” Tessa pointed at the soggy mess that lay beside her coffee cup. 

“Oh, he must like you!” Scott joked. 

Alma appeared at the table and set a mug of coffee down in front of Scott, and he took a sip before turning back to Nate. 

“Were you a good boy for Grandma last night?” he asked Nate. 

“He was perfect,” Alma turned away from the stove for a moment and spoke to Nate, “weren’t you, monkey?” she cooed in Nate’s direction. 

Seeing that Grandma was addressing him, Nate banged his spoon on his tray once more and answered her with a string of babble that only Alma could - seemingly - understand. 

“I know,” Alma smiled across the kitchen at Nate, “you’re always good for Grandma, aren’t you!,” she held a butter knife at her hip as she spoke to him, “yes you are,” she smiled as Nate jumped up and down in his chair. She laughed with happiness before turning back to the stove and fishing Tessa’s eggs out of the pan of boiling water. 

Nate continued to jump up and down and held his arms out to Scott. Scott grabbed a packet of wet wipes from the dresser and pulled one out of the packet. 

“Need to clean you up before you get out, Nate,” Scott informed his son as he reached up and wiped Nate’s face. Nate shook his head as the cold wipe was swiped across his face. 

“Hands!” he held his hands out for Scott to wipe the butter from between his fingers. 

“There we go, Tess,” Alma placed a plate of eggs and toast down in front of Tessa and pushed the salt and pepper towards her, “refill?” she asked as she held the coffee pot above Tessa’s cup.

“Yes, please,” Tessa smiled as she picked up her knife and fork in preparation to tuck into her eggs, “thanks, Alma,” she smiled. 

“You’re welcome, dear,” Alma smiled as she poured hot coffee into Tessa’s cup and then topped up Joe’s cup. 

“Eggs, Scott?” she asked her son.

“Thanks,” Scott smiled as he folded the dirty wet wipe and placed it on Nate’s tray, “come on then, big guy,” Scott spoke to Nate as he unclipped the restraints that held him in the high chair and picked him out, “let’s get rid of these crumbs,” he smiled as he brushed the toast crumbs from Nate’s pajama shirt and let them fall onto the tray. He took his seat and perched Nate on his knee at the table. Nate, happy to be on his dad’s lap and with the adults at the table, grinned with delight. 

Tessa cut into the egg sitting on top of the buttery piece of toast and let the silky yellow of the yolk run out. She suppressed a groan of satisfaction as she chewed - she had forgotten just how amazing Alma’s poached eggs were. They were the taste of warmth and home and happiness. Nate reached over and grabbed at the sleeve of her cardigan as she reached for her coffee cup. 

“I know you’re there, cheeky,” she turned and smiled at Nate. 

“Tessa’s eating her breakfast,” Scott informed Nate with a smile, “when she’s finished she will give you all of the attention you’re after!”

Tessa smiled at Scott as she sipped at the hot coffee. 

Alma placed Scott’s breakfast on the table and handed Nate a rusk in order to occupy him whilst his dad and Tessa ate. Nate took the rusk with a smile and pushed the edge of it into his mouth and began to suck at it. 

The shrill ringing of Joe’s phone took them all by surprise as it broke the calmness that had settled on the kitchen. He put the paper, which he had only a moment before started reading again, down and picked up the phone. He silenced it before putting it to his ear. 

“Morning, son,” his voice was deep and friendly, “oh,” he furrowed his brow as he spoke, “is it bad?” he asked, “how much?” Charlie’s voice hummed on the other end of the line as Alma stopped what she was doing and stood at the side of the table with a worried look on her face. 

Joe lifted the phone from his ear, "their kitchen roof's fallen through," he informed Alma with a worried look on his face. Alma's face grew slightly pale and she put her hand to her mouth.

"Where are the kids?" Joe asked as he turned his attention back to the call. He nodded as Charlie spoke on the other end of the line.

"What time?" Joe asked.

"A skip's arriving at 11," Joe relayed to Alma.

"OK, son," Joe's tone offered comfort and reassurance, "I'll be with you as soon as I can."

He ended the call and threw the last of his coffee into his mouth. 

"I'll start over there now," Joe said as he got up from the table, "the kids are with a friend," he added as he pushed his chair under the table, "said he heard an almighty crash in the night, thought there was an earthquake."

"Joe, I thought you'd ordered the turf for today," Alma reminded her husband with a worrying tone. 

"Damn," Joe seethed at his own forgetfulness, "of course," he looked at his watch, "I'll give them a call, try to postpone."

"I can lay the turf," Scott looked to his dad, "you don't need to cancel it."

"It's an all day job, Scott," Alma reminded him, "and I've got classes all day. I can't look after Nate," she stopped, "unless I take him to the rink with me. I'm sure some of the older kids woul-"

"I can watch Nate," Tessa offered, happy to do anything to help the family who were always so generous to everyone else.

"Tess, you don't hav-" Scott turned in his seat so that he was facing her.

"No, but I want to," her smile offered him reassurance, "I don’t have any plans today, and I'd be happy to help out," she explained with a smile.

"That would be great, Tess," Alma answered for her son as he sat there looking for the right words to say, "that would be a real help."

"OK, great," Joe went to the back door and picked up one of his shoes and bent down to pull it onto his foot, "you'll need to re-rake the top soil,” he instructed Scott as he laced the first shoe, “it needs air through it before you put the turf on.”

“Ok,” Scott listened to his dad as he gave instruction. 

“The turf is due to be delivered some time between 10 and noon,” he reached down for his other shoe as he spoke, “try to get the pieces as close to each other as you can.”

“Ok,” Scott repeated. 

“And once it’s down,” Joe started to lace his second shoe, “use the sprinkler from the shed to water it,” he finished his instruction and went into the hallway to collect his coat. 

He returned to the kitchen and headed towards Alma, “I’ll call you later,” he smiled as he left a kiss on the side of her face, “don’t worry about the boy,” he could feel the anxiety coming from her, “he’ll be fine,” he assured her, “we’ll have the mess cleaned up in no time, and then we will work out how to get it fixed as soon as we can.”

Alma nodded as Joe put an arm around her waist in order to comfort her, “I’ll make dinner for you all this evening,” she informed him. 

Joe left Alma’s side and rounded the table until he was at Scott’s chair, “and you,” he looked down at his smiling grandson as he spoke, “you be good for your dad and Tess,” he lectured Nate.

Nate babbled and laughed at his grandad’s attention as he spoke. Joe ruffled his hair and left a kiss on his forehead before straightening up to standing and making his way to the kitchen door. 

“It was good to see you, Tess,” he turned to smile before he left. 

“You too, Joe,” Tessa responded as Nate crawled from Scott’s lap and onto hers. 

Joe let out a deep laugh as he watched his grandson, “you’ll have your hands full all day with that little monkey,” he chuckled as he headed down the hallway and out to his car. 

Scott turned his attention back to his breakfast as Nate started to climb around Tessa’s lap. She pushed her chair back in order to give the squirming toddler room to move. He put his hands on her shoulders and tried to pull himself up to standing on her legs. 

Alma looked across the kitchen and couldn’t help but smile at the scene. She indulged in it for a moment as she watched Tessa and Scott smile at Nate and blow raspberries on his chubby hands. There was something so natural and so logical about having them around the breakfast table together. She was sure that she hadn’t seen such a pure and unfettered smile on Scott’s face for a long time. A glance at the clock above the sink told her that the morning was moving faster than she felt it was, and she needed to get ready for her first lesson of the day. 

“I can take him with me and dress him,” she offered as she looked at Nate trying to mount the table, “give you chance to finish your breakfast and give me a chance to enjoy a last few moments of grandma time before work,” she smiled as she spoke. 

Tessa, somewhat glad to hand the wriggling toddler over, turned in her chair and held Nate out to Alma. 

“See you when you’re clean, stinky,” Scott squeezed one of Nate’s podgy legs as he sat on Alma’s hip. 

“He’s going to be all fresh and clean, aren’t you,” Alma smiled as she left the kitchen with Nate blowing wet raspberries on the side of her cheek. Their talk and laughter grew quieter as they ascended the stairs and went into the bathroom. The click of the door sealed their noise in, and the house fell into silence. 

Scott lifted his fork to his mouth and savoured the taste of the rich egg in his mouth. Tessa sipped at her coffee and wiped the soggy toast remains from her hands. Perhaps it was the familiar surroundings, or the remnants of Nate’s energy, but there was something more natural and more comfortable between them than there had been in a long time. Dust motes danced in the shaft of light that fell across the table. 

“I enjoyed last night,” Scott was the first to speak after he’d placed his knife and fork neatly on his plate and wiped his mouth with a starched white napkin. 

“Me too,” Tessa’s reply was light and filled with honesty. 

“It’s good to talk,” Scott offered as he sat back in his chair and drained the last of his coffee from his cup. 

“It is,” Tessa smiled at him, “we should do it more often.”

“I’d like that,” his reply was simple, and it didn’t need to be anything else. Like the cells of life that whirred around the sunlight before them, their feelings were delicate and uncoordinated, but for once that didn’t matter. For once, in neither of them rose the need to clutch at reason and control. There was a simple acceptance of the chaos of things. 

Tessa rose from the table and stacked the plates that stood on it. She slid the cutlery onto the bottom plate and made her way towards the sink. She turned the warm tap on and allowed the stream of water to fill the sink. 

“You wash, I’ll dry?” Scott asked as he placed a handful of mugs and glasses onto the side beside the stack of plates that Tessa had already set down.  
Tessa squirted liquid into the sink and encouraged it into frothy bubbles. She submerged the first plate as Scott rummaged in a nearby drawer for a tea towel. They worked in silence, Tessa sponging the toast crumbs from the flower patterned plates with meticulous care before rinsing them under the cold tap and passing them into Scott’s waiting hands. Their synchronicity was flawless, their timing perfect and the simple task of washing up the breakfast plates became like a dance between them - a dance of settled domesticity and peaceful calm. 

“Do you know what I thought of when Dad said the roof had fallen in?” Scott’s voice drifted up from beneath the bubbles of the stillness in the kitchen. 

Tessa smiled as she let the cold water run across the plate she was holding under the tap’s stream, “The Hoblet,” she smiled. 

“Yes!” Scott laughed as he spoke - he knew that she would remember; that their minds would fall to the very same memory. 

** Summer 2018 **

_“What did you say this place was called, again?” Chiddy’s voice wavered over his words as the wheels of the minibus bounced in and out of the potholes that littered the track that Jeff was coaxing it down. _

_“The Hoblet,” Jeff answered with enthusiasm as he turned the steering wheel sharply in order to dodge a particularly large pothole, well, more of a ditch really._

_The minibus’s inhabitants looked out of the window at the surrounding trees and bushes that had grown in and around each other. _

_“Sounds fun,” Poje tried his best to hide his impending sense of dread as he dreamed of the comfortable white sheets of a city hotel. _

_They had been on the minibus since the early hours of the morning when Jeff, self-appointed social coordinator, had insisted they be ready to board the bus. Filled with a sense of adventure, he had insured the skaters that they would love the secluded house he’d found them for their - as he put it - ‘much-needed-out-in-the-wilds-bonding-weekend-off’. Initially, no one had shared his enthusiasm and already had plans for their weekend off from the ‘Stars on Ice’ tour forming in their minds. But, alas, Jeff Buttle was a hard man to refuse - their submission to his camp and outlandish choreography was proof of such. And so, here they were, squashed into a minibus and headed into the hills._

_“I don’t see why Elvis was let off the hook,” Kailtyn whispered over her shoulder to Tessa and Scott who were sat in the seats behind her and Poje.   
“Age, wisdom, the courage to tell Jeff where to stick it?” Scott whispered back through the crack of daylight between their seats. He, for one, would much rather be enjoying his weekend off without the company of some of Canada’s greatest skaters - Olympic medalists they may well be, but there was such a thing as too much of a good thing. Well, a weekend minus all but one of them, that was. He had spent the entire week dreaming of the long weekend he and Tess had lying ahead of them; breakfast in bed, reruns of Jeopardy, a long bath and a bottle of wine. He sighed at the thought - somewhere someone mighty was laughing at his dreams as they blew them away to dust. _

_“Tada!” Jeff’s voice sang from the front seat as they came to an abrupt stop._

_ Kaetlyn looked out of the window, craning her neck to look ahead, “are you sure we’re here, Jeff?” she asked with a worried tone, “I don’t see any buildings,” in fact, all she could see was yet more bushes. _

_“Certain,” Jeff ignored the confused and worried looks that were etched onto the faces of his passengers. He pushed open the door of the minibus and bounded down the steps like an excited puppy. He stretched his arms to the sky and took a deep breath of fresh outdoor air before sliding back the door on the side of the van to let the others out. One by one they emerged from the van, each as confused as the one before them. _

_“Jeff, there’s just bushes,” Javier commented as he looked around him for any sign of the building named ‘The Hoblet’. _

_“If you want seclusion,” Jeff explained as he opened the van’s backdoors and started to unload their bags, “then you have to work for it.”_

_“I don’t remember asking for seclusion,” Scott whispered over Tessa’s shoulder and into her ear as they stood in line to receive their bags. He placed a hand on her waist as he spoke, making sure to stand so close to her back that no one else could see the strokes his fingers made on the square of bare skin beneath the hem of her t-shirt. _

_“There’s yours, Tess,” Jeff hauled her bright blue bag out onto the grass, and as she stepped forward to retrieve it she felt the loss of Scott’s touch keenly. _

_“Thanks,” Tess bent and picked up her bag from where it sat and pulled it straps over her shoulders. She was glad she’d let Scott talk her into exchanging her trolley case for her backpack as they’d packed their stuff earlier that morning - he had been right; Jeff had not planned a ‘normal’ weekend away. _

_“So,” Jeff pulled at the handle of the minibus’s front door to check that it was locked, “we need to head this way,” he pointed towards the thick undergrowth that sat to the right of the group, “it’s only about a fifteen minute walk from here.”  
As they readied themselves to do battle with the formidable tangle of bush and creeper, the group passed around some half-hearted comments of dissent, but they all knew that any protest was weak and futile - secretly they loved that Jeff had organised a weekend away for them. They loved that, in typical JB style, it was anything but the normal weekend. Most of all, they loved the thought of the warmth and the friendship they would share during the weekend. _

_“Let’s do this,” Chiddy rallied the troops as he put his best foot forward and headed in the direction that Jeff had pointed. _

_“To the Hoblet!” Poje shouted as he followed. _

_“And beyond!” Scott added as they all headed into the undergrowth, taking their laughter with them. _

_“The fifteen minute walk that Jeff had advertised turned out to be a forty minute ordeal that left them with torn t-shirts and scratched legs. _

_“There,” Jeff pointed to a sprawling building made of wood and iron that sat in a clearing next to a babbling brook and a flat bridge made of lashed together tree trunks. _

_They all stood still and looked on with wonder. The building, although in no way modern or luxurious, stood in wait and welcome. Its interior ran off in two directions - to the left and right - and sported large unobstructed windows that let in all the light they could capture. At the far end of the building’s right fork a tower rose from the building’s roof and was studded with small and neat windows. At the other end of the sprawl, affixed to the building’s left portion, was an additional three floors of the house, the top of which had a slanted roof and a small balcony that overlooked the forest below. All around the outside of the building, dotted in haphazard fashion, lay an oddment of chairs and tables, lamps and outdoor candles. _

_“This place looks amazing!” Javier couldn’t hide the surprise in his voice as they stood and looked at the wild and earthy palace that lay before them. _

_“Not at all what I was expecting,” Kaitlyn admitted. _

_“And worth the trek through the wilderness,” Kaetlyn smiled cheekily. _

_“Now before we get settled,” Jeff smiled at his friends’ positivity and was happy to see that the house looked as good - if not better - in the flesh as it had on the website, “I have assigned sleeping quarters,” he took a folded piece of paper from his pocket, “to avoid any arguments,” he smiled, “and illicit activities,” he added with a smirk and he wafted his paper in the general direction of the group. _

_All raised eyebrows turned to Kaitlyn and Andrew as a titter of silent laughter ran around the group. Andrew put on a pantomime act of pretending to look behind him for the intended recipient of their looks before breaking into a knowing smile and pulling Kaitlyn into his side and planting a kiss on the side of her head. _

_“No, still weird,” Chiddy pronounced as the newly declared lovers smiled giddily at one another and Kaitlyn blushed at the group’s attention. _

_Scott shuffled his feet slightly, glad, for once, to be out of the spotlight that Kaitlyn and Andrew had so gallantly taken over. The secret lodged in his chest made his heart beat a little louder as he reached out to place a secreted hand on the small of Tessa’s back. Although he was standing behind her, he felt her smile run through her muscles and knew that she was thinking the same thing as they stood secluded in the secret of their newly defined relationship. _

_“You two lovebirds are in the tower,” Jeff declared as he spoke to Kaitlyn and Andrew, “away from everyone else,” he added under his breath, drawing a giggle from Kaetlyn. _

_“Javi and Chiddy, you’re sharing in the main section of the house,” he pointed towards the long section of the building that ran from the tower to the middle section of the house, “it’s a huge room with two bathrooms, so it won’t be much like sharing, anyway,” Jeff explained. _

_“Cool with us,” Chiddy smiled as he made suggestive eyebrows at Javi, “clearly we don’t qualify for the tower yet,” he pouted. _

_“We’ve got to be outed first,” Javier joined in with Chiddy’s playful pouting. _

_The group giggled as the two puckered their lips and placed mimicked kisses on each other’s cheeks. _

_“Kaetlyn, your room is next to theirs,” Jeff laughed, “sorry,” he added with a smile. _

_“Tess, you’re in the first room in the right side of the house,” Jeff smiled and pointed in the general direction of the room he had assigned to her, “and I am next to you,” he added, “which leaves Scott,” Jeff pointed up to the floors that ran up to the slanted roof at the end of the building, “Scott, you’re in the attic,” Jeff finished with a flourish. _

_Scott looked up to the sky beyond and the attic room at the top of the house, “great!” he played on the laughter that was spreading around the group, “I’ll be the madwoman in the attic!”_

_“You can be Rapunzel,” Poje giggled with delight at the expense of his friend, “if you let down your hair-”_

_“We’ll set it on fire,” Chiddy chimed in before Andrew had the chance to finish.   
A roar of laughter echoed through the wilderness. It was accompanied with breathless comments and high fives as the jokes got funnier and came faster ._

_“Thanks, guys,” Scott joined in with good humour, “but don’t expect to be rescued when my knight in shining armour appears to take me home!”_

_With a few more jokes told at Scott’s expense, and with laughter filling the air around them, they headed towards the house and to their respective rooms. _

_Scott was pulling aside the bedside table to find the socket for his charger when there was a soft knock at the door. He smiled as he got to his feet and made his way towards the door - there was only one person he knew who could manage to knock a door so delicately. He wrapped his hand around the handle and pushed it down to open the door. _

_“Hey,” her smile greeted him on the other side, “long walk up here to the attic,” she smiled as she slipped through the door and he shut it behind her. _

_“In that case,” he reached out and pulled her into his warm arms as he spoke through a wide smile, “perhaps it would be better if you just stayed up here,” he hooked his fingers through the belt loops on the waistband of her skin tight jeans and tugged her closer, “seeing as it’s such a long way and all.”_

_Tessa smiled as she tried to think of a witty response to his flirtatious teasing, but with his dark eyes looking into hers she was unable to think clearly and instead looped her arms around his waist and pulled him against her body until there wasn’t so much as a hairsbreadth between them. She put her lips to his and smiled at their softness. His tongue met with hers and stroked at the taste he had missed all morning. His hands ran up her back and found the roots of her hair as they moaned happily against each other’s lips. _

_“Sorry we didn’t get the weekend we wanted,” her words were slightly breathless as she pulled back from him and held him with her gaze. _

_“Jeff’s pretty hard to refuse,” Scott smiled in response as he tucked a piece of stray hair behind her right ear. _

_Tessa pouted at his joke before holding his eyes in hers, “then perhaps he should be the one sneaking into your room tonight,” her words dripped with promise as they landed on him. _

_A hard knock on the door flung them apart and sent Tessa scampering to the corner of the room. Scott jumped at the sound and instinctively ran his hands down the front of his t-shirt. Tessa moved her fingers to her lips to wipe away the evidence of their kiss. They looked across the room at each other in a well rehearsed movement before looking each other up and down in order to check for any lingering evidence. Synchronised nods of the head told the other that they looked presentable to their friends and that their secret was safe. _

_“Rapunzel!” Chiddy and Kaetlyn’s heads appeared around the door’s frame, “thought we’d come and check out the dungeon,” Chiddy moved past Scott as he spoke in devilish tones. _

_Scott let them past him and threw a smile over their heads towards Tessa. They were more than used to being interrupted by their friends - they’d spent an entire career sneaking in and out of hotel rooms in the middle of the night. There was something different now though, an excitement and a newness that they were both eager to protect. Since they’d decided to define the perpetual ‘undefinable’ and explore a committed and real relationship together, they had felt the delicacy and vulnerability of the love they held in their hands. _

_“Looks like we were too late,” Chiddy arched his eyebrows in Tessa’s direction, “your knight is already here!”_

_The friends laughed together and it was Chiddy and Kaetlyn’s turn to exchange knowing glances at each other; Tessa and Scott’s undefined relationship was a feature that they were all used to after decades of living with it, but they still enjoyed their part in playing along with the secret - whatever it was. It was never clear to anyone - least of all Scott and Tessa - exactly what their relationship was, and any attempts to get them to define it were met with coldness and dismissal. So, the group had accepted it and it was something that was unmentioned and unscrutinised - in public, anyway. In private they all had their theories - and their wishes - but they knew that their friends would come to a conclusion in their own time and in their own way. And so the unknowing continued, and was accepted and was just as it was._

_“Jeff sent us to tell you that we all need to be down in the kitchen in ten minutes,” Kaetlyn informed them. _

_“We’re going on a group walk!” Chiddy informed them. _

_Tess groaned at the suggestion of a walk._

_“Don’t worry, T,” Scott smiled as he turned to her, “I’m sure it will be flat.”_

_“Unlikely with Jeff leading!” Tessa moaned as she made her way to the door, “I best go and change my shoes,” she headed off down the several flights of stairs that connected Scott’s attic room with the rest of the house. _

_Within ten minutes - or thereabouts - they were all assembled in the kitchen clad in sneakers and carrying bottles of water. _

_“I’m looking forward to stretching my legs after that drive,” Poje declared as they all stood around the kitchen table._

_“Don’t get too comfortable, Andrew,” Jeff smiled as he pulled a brown envelope from his backpack, “this is orienteering, not just walking.”_

_A chorus of groans filled the kitchen - Jeff always felt the need to make every activity into a game. In honesty, it was what his friends loved most about him - he was always so fun loving and happy, and it rubbed off on them when they were around him. _

_Jeff laid a copy of the map on the table and motioned for them all to move closer so that they could get a good view as he explained. _

_“Now,” he began, “we are doing the easy course, so no need for a compass.”_

_“That’s a relief,” Javier actually let go of a breath he had been holding since Jeff had spread the complicated looking map across the table. _

_“And you will be working in teams, so no one is on their own,” he added, “the map shows the immediate three mile radius from where we are now,” he explained as he pointed down at the map, “and in the bottom corner you will see the key.”_

_They all leant in closer to see the shaded squares that told what each coloured pattern represented. _

_“This for example,” he pointed to an area marked on the map, “is water. You will see that it runs from the bottom right to the upper left hand corner of the map,” he traced the line of the stream on the map with his forefinger, “and here at the bend,” he pointed to the bend in the blue streak that he had outlined, “there is a control - represented by this symbol.”_

_They all peered closer in order to look at what he was pointing out. _

_“At each control there there is a letter,” Jeff continued, “you need to visit all of the controls in order to collect the letters before heading back to the house.”_

_ “Sounds fun,” Kaitlyn smiled. _

_“So it’s a kind of competition,” Poje asked. _

_“It is,” Jeff smiled. _

_“And the prize?” Javier asked. _

_“Pride?” Jeff smiled as he looked around the table at the Olympians. _

_“Pride it is,” Scott nodded, “I’m looking forward to this,” he shot a smile at Tessa as he spoke as he anticipated the few hours that they would get to spend in the woods together - even if they were there chasing flags. _

_Jeff held a smaller brown envelope in the air and waved it about, “and the answers - that is the correct sequence of letters - are in this envelope,” he explained, “meaning that I can take part, too.”_

_“So once we get back we look in the envelope to see that we got the right order?” Chiddy clarified. _

_“Exactly,” Jeff responded, “so there’s a certain amount of honesty at work here, guys,” he flashed the group a cutting look that warned them against any foul play. _

_After a few comments were thrown around the table, Jeff announced the teams. _

_“So, Kaetlyn and Chiddy,” he offered a rolled map into Chiddy’s hands, “you’re team one.”_

_Chiddy and Kaetlyn looked at each other and smiled. _

_“Poje and Scott,” Jeff handed Scott the map as he spoke. Scott hoped that the look of disappointment at the announcement of his partner didn’t show as he reached out and took the map before engaging Andrew in a high five. Apparently alone time with his girlfriend would have to wait...again._

_“Kaitlyn and Tessa are representing the girls,” Jeff announced with a flourish of a rolled up map. _

_“Which leaves the dream team,” he turned to Javier with a grin and passed him a map. _

_“Let’s do it!” Javier punched the air with enthusiasm. _

_“Ok,” Jeff raised his wrist watch to his face, “on my imaginary whistle,” the group stood poised as excited laughter rippled around the kitchen, “and go!” _

_They all raced, giddy and giggling out of the house and into the woods. Only Tessa and Kaitlyn hung back to look at the map and plan a route. _

_“How do they know where they’re going?” Kaitlyn asked as she watched Scott and Andrew leap over the stream and disappear into the thickness of the forest. _

_“They don’t,” Tessa informed her as she studied the map more closely and traced her finger along the route to the first control, “they’ll get half way round and realise they’re holding the map upside down,” she laughed as she looked up and moved the map between her and Kaitlyn. She folded it into a small square so that only the portion of forest that lay immediately before them was showing. _

_“Found a route?” _

_“Looks like this stream runs to an opening in the trees before it turns away from the first control,” Tessa explained as she pointed out landmarks on the map, “so if we follow it until we see the break in the trees we should be headed in the right direction.”_

_“Sounds like a plan to me,” Kaitlyn smiled as she looked up in the direction that they planned to walk._

_The two women set out towards the trees and enjoyed the sound of twigs and leaves crunching beneath their feet. The air was quiet and still but the for occasional yelps and giggles of their friends’ fun. The house was soon behind them as they pushed deeper into the trees and kept a close eye on the stream, careful to keep it beside them as their compass. _

_“Andrew and Scott will be running around like a pair of school boys,” Kaitlyn laughed softly as she stepped over a large log._

_“They’ll be more interested in trying to climb trees and jumping out on Kaetlyn and Chiddy,” Tessa agreed. _

_“And they will argue when they don’t win!”_

_“But,” Tessa smiled, “they’ll have fun, so it will all be worth it.”_

_“Andrew wasn’t all that keen to come out here this weekend,” Kaitlyn informed Tessa as they stepped over the curling creepers that wound around the trunks of the trees and across the pine carpeted forest floor, “we don’t get much of a chance to spend time on our own,” she elaborated. _

_Tessa pushed her hands into the pockets of her jeans as she listened. She knew all too well what Andrew and Kaitlyn were feeling. Touring was as tough as it was fun. The shows brought highs that they rode into the early morning as they ate together, played games and told jokes, but there was little opportunity for time alone. There was, she was discovering, even less time for couples to escape the madness for some time together. _

_“How are things going?” she asked Kaitlyn as she checked the map to reassure herself that they were still heading in the right direction._

_“So well,” Kaitlyn didn’t even attempt to hide the smile that took over her face as she spoke about her newfound love with Andrew, “I think we always knew it was there,” Kaitlyn explained, “it was always under the surface all those years, but now that we’re free it seems like the best time to enjoy it.”_

_Tessa nodded as she listened. She knew that Kaitlyn and Andrew had always been close - she also knew that, unlike her and Scott, they had never acted on their feelings for each other. That all changed at the start of the summer when they announced that they were officially a couple and planning on a life together. The secret of her relationship with Scott burnt in Tessa’s chest, but she was not ready to expose it to the world, and kept it close and protected. _

_“Here,” Kaitlyn pointed to the stream as it bent away from them. _

_“Well spotted,” Tessa unfolded the map and they both peered down at it in order to check their next steps. _

_Not too far away, but masked by the cover of trees, Scott and Andrew were chasing their tails looking for the second control. They had fallen upon the first control by nothing more than luck, and were feeling somewhat accomplished and overly sure of themselves as they walked in the direction of the second one. _

_“We should be close to it now,” Andrew looked down at the map again as a knot of confusion and frustration creased his brow. _

_“We must have gone the wrong way,” Scott looked at the map and put his finger on the first control that they had already visited, “so we were here,” he moved his head closer to the map, “and we followed the wall to the ruins,” he traced his finger along the route they had taken, “so it should be on the other side of the lane,” he asserted before straightening up and setting his eyes on the path ahead. _

_Andrew shrugged before pocketing the map and following Scott’s lead. _

_“I have to admit,” Andrew puffed as he kicked at a twig that lay in his path, “this isn’t what I had planned for this weekend.”_

_“Keeping you from a weekend of hot lovin’,” Scott did his best southern drawl which earned him a roll of the eyes from Andrew._

_“No,” Andrew insisted, “I was hoping for dinner and a movie, actually.”_

_“Shame,” Scott’s voice softened as he spoke and stopped teasing, “it must be tough,” he nodded as he looked down and kicked a fir cone and watched it roll lopsidedly along the ground, “not easy to find time on tour.”_

_“No it is not!” Andrew punctuated each word to allow it to carry his frustration. _

_Scott pursed his lips in thought as he ran through his own ruined weekend plans. He had been looking forward to curling himself around Tessa as they lay in bed eating ice cream and watching TV. _

_“Things going well between you two?” Scott asked. _

_“Yeah,” Andrew responded with a note of glee ringing through his words, “sometimes I wonder why we waited for so long.”_

_“Why did you?”_

_“Work, skating, competition, you know.”_

_“Hmm,” Scott knew all too well. He knew that Andrew had been in love with Kaitlyn for the longest time, and that they had held back on any involvement with each other in order to focus on their skating. He understood their reasoning - he and Tessa had pushed and pulled at each other down the years and sometimes he wondered whether falling in and out of each other in the way they had, had been the right thing to do. It didn’t matter now, he reasoned, they were living a new era now, and he had never felt so happy. _

_Kaitlyn and Tessa made it to the first control with ease. They noted down the letter written on the back of the control flag and then turned back to the map in order to plan their route to control two. _

_“It’s not that far from here,” Kaitlyn surveyed the map, “we cross the lane to some ruins where we take a left and then follow the path away from the wall.”_

_“Great,” Tessa smiled as she looked to where Kaitlyn was pointing to on the map. Kaitlyn folded the map and slipped it into her pocket. _

_“Are you and Scott still going to the Gold Medal Plates thing next month?” _

_“Yeah,” Tessa replied as they walked on, “we’re going to Antwerp.”_

_“Nice!” Kaitlyn’s voice rose as she spoke, “have you been before?”_

_“No, neither of us have,” they crossed the lane as they chatted - and, unknown to them, the ruins, “I’m really looking forward to it.”_

_“Will you get much time to explore?” _

_“I don’t know,” Tessa looked down at the colourful flowers that flanked the path, “the time is usually pretty tightly planned,” she mused, “so probably not.”_

_“You should go a few days early,” Kaitlyn suggested, “make a holiday out of it.”_

_The idea had not occurred to Tessa, but she liked it. It would certainly be a way for her and Scott to secure some time together, and they would be a lot less hassled in Europe. _

_“That sounds like a good idea,” Tessa nodded, ** I’ll mention it to Scott ** she added silently. _

_They walked for a few more minutes before taking the map out and comparing it to their location. _

_“It shouldn’t be that far from here,” Kaitlyn looked around at their surroundings and the confidence in her voice faded. _

_Tessa looked down at the map again and then looked up to compare their surroundings to what she saw on the map. She turned around so that she was oriented in the same way as the map, “I think we’ve gone the wrong way,” she declared after careful deliberation. _

_“Oh,” Kaitlyn looked at the map in Tessa’s hands, “that’s not good.”_

_“I think if we retrace our steps along the lane,” Tessa pointed down at the map to show Kaitlyn her plan as she spoke, “then we should get to the ruins, and then if we take a right from there we should be back on track.”_

_The two women agreed on the course of action and headed back the way they had come. The action of going backwards in their quest to get to the end of the course dismayed them slightly, and they both walked along in the silence of their own thoughts. _

_They both turned their heads as they heard footfall crunching on twigs to their left. Two figures emerged, shoulders low and the drag of their feet slow and heavy, from the trees. _

_“Are you lost as well?” Andrew sidled up to them with a long face. _

_“We think we forgot to take a turn,” Kailtyn’s smile crept back to her face as she saw Scott and Andrew appear. _

_“Are you still looking for control two?” Andrew asked. _

_“Yeah,” Kaitlyn replied, “are you?”_

_“We’ve been looking for it for ages,” Scott joined the group, “I think it’s missing.”_

_“Well everyone else must have found it,” Tessa smiled. _

_“Or given up on it,” Scott countered. _

_“Well, now we’ve found each other we may as well look for it together,” Andrew smiled. _

_They stood in a circle and looked at the map that Tessa spread out between them. After much discussion and finger pointing into the trees, they decided on a route to take that they were certain would lead them to the second control. They set off, falling naturally into two pairs._

_Andrew pulled Kaitlyn into his side as they walked, and the lovers whispered to each other as their friends walked slightly ahead. _

_“Having fun?” Tessa asked Scott as they kept step with each other. _

_“Loads!” Scott said sarcastically, “I love spending my weekend running circles in the woods!”_

_Tessa chuckled at his words - she knew that he was enjoying the time outdoors and the time with his friends, but loved the tone he joked with. _

_“I’ve got an idea that might cheer you up.”_

_“You always know exactly what to do to cheer me up, Virtch,” Scott threw her his signature eyebrow wiggle followed by a wink. _

_Tessa shoulder barged him and rolled her eyes before speaking, “I was thinking that we could go to Antwerp a little early next month - before the rest of the group arrive - we could have a few days there on our own,” she looked at Scott to gauge his reaction. The grin that shone in his eyes was enough to tell her that he loved the idea. _

_“Our first holiday as a couple,” he smiled. _

_“I know it’s only a few days,” Tessa felt the weight of expectation settle with his excitement, “but we could see the historical sites, do some shopping; do the touristy things we never get to do when we’re working.”_

_“I love it,” Scott turned and smiled at her. In that moment he envied Andrew the hug he had so easily and casually given Kaitlyn. His arms itched to reach out and pull Tessa into him and squeeze her, “a few days on our own,” he smiled with glittering eyes. _

_“Great,” Tessa beamed, “I’ll look into the flights and hotel later, see about the booking.”_

_“The ruins are here,” Andrew’s voice travelled from behind them. Had he not shouted out, they would have headed in the wrong direction again, further prolonging their increasingly frustrating journey. _

_The morning was leaning into afternoon by the time the four emerged, tired and hungry, from the trees. They were all equally glad to see the house emerge from the undergrowth. They were surprised to see that the grass in front of the house was empty. _

_“Are we the first back?” there was a sudden skip in Scott’s step as the prospect of winning - which he had long ago accepted was not a likely outcome of their trek - grew. _

_“Have we won?” Andrew found a burst of energy as he turned his head and scoured the area for the rest of the group. _

_“Scott, Andrew,” a breathless Chiddy emerged from the side of the house, “the roof’s fallen in,” he panted before beckoning them to follow him to the back of the house. _

_The four friends exchanged confused looks before following Chiddy. They rounded the side of the house and walked along its back flank before meeting the rest of the group. They were stood around a large pile of rubble and dust. _

_“Oh my God!” Kaitlyn exclaimed in horror as she looked at the mess, “is everyone ok?” she looked around the group to check that everyone was present. _

_“Yeah, we’re all fine,” Kaetlyn assured them, “we got back and found it like this.”_

_“How did it even happen?” Scott shielded his eyes as he looked to the sky. He expected to see a fallen tree. _

_“We can’t see anything that’s fallen on it,” Javier informed him. _

_“It must have just been weak,” Jeff shook his head in dismay, “and it’s fallen through.”_

_Tessa looked up and down the house in order to her bearings before asking, “is it the kitchen?”_

_“It’s a bathroom attached to the kitchen,” someone informed her. _

_“I’m going to give the owners a call,” Jeff pulled out his phone, “let them know what’s happened,” he headed away from the house holding his phone in his outstretched hand in an attempt to capture a mobile signal. _

_They all stood and looked at the mess and wondered whether there was any action they should take. Moving the rubble was discussed, as was attempting to cover what was left of the room, but all suggestions were eventually rejected in favour of waiting for the owners to instruct them. Having decided there was nothing more they could do, they headed into the house to prepare some much needed lunch. _

_The afternoon passed in a haze of gin and sun as they enjoyed the much needed relaxation of the garden and summer weather. They talked about the orienteering - it was clear that no one had actually managed to complete the course, but that they had all had fun-, the show numbers they were performing each night and their multitudinous and hopeful plans for the future. Day tipped into night and food was prepared and enjoyed. The night ended with brandy and jokes around an outdoor fire before chilling air and the late hour sent them all to their beds. _

_Tessa waited until she had heard the last glass of water poured and the final shuffle of feet disappear behind closed door before pulling on her jumper and heading up the several flights of stairs that separated Scott from the rest of the house. With each step she felt the mounting anticipation of the moment they’d waited all day for. She found the door left ajar in readiness for her arrival. She widened the crack a little before slipping through and into the familiar warmth of Scott’s room. He’d had a shower - she could tell from the smell of his shower gel as it wrapped around her. Her eyes adjusted to the light as she looked around the empty room. _

_“I’m up here.”_

_Tessa looked up towards the room’s ceiling as she followed the voice. _

_“Use the ladder.”_

_Her gaze fell on the ladder that was attached to the far wall of the room. At its top she saw a slither of moonlight peeking through an opening. She stepped around the bed and put her foot on the ladder’s bottom rung. It felt secure against her weight. _

_“It’s perfectly safe,” Scott called down without being able to see her, but knowing that she would be testing the ladder’s integrity before using it._

_Encouraged by his assurance, Tessa gave the ladder her full weight and climbed the few rungs to the room’s ceiling before pushing her way through the hole that led to the roof. The night air filled her lungs as she emerged into the moonlight. She pushed her way out of the room and stood on the small balcony that sat on the roof. Scott was a few steps away beneath a blanket._

_“Come on, T,” his smile danced in the light of the candle that he had set on a ledge next to him as he peeled back the edge of the blanket and beckoned her over. She smiled as she hurried towards him and then slipped between his legs and beneath the blanket. His chest was solid and warm against her back and she felt his arms encircle her beneath the blanket as soon as she snuggled against him. She pulled the blanket up to her shoulders and ensured that he was covered before meeting his hands with hers and entwining their fingers where they lay on her stomach. Scott bent his head and dropped a warm kiss on the soft skin of her neck. _

_“At last,” he whispered into her ear as the heat of their bodies mixed to keep them warm beneath the moon. _

_Tessa smiled and squeezed his hands with hers to let him know that she was happy to finally be in his arms. The stars shone above them and they were both transfixed by nature’s flawless show. Tessa rested her head back against Scott’s shoulder and looked at the night sky above their heads. _

_“Kaitlyn and Andrew seem happy,” Tessa’s voice was light and airy as she looked up at the stars and allowed thoughts of the day to float in and out of her mind._

_“Yeah, they do,” Scott agreed._

_They sat in the beautiful stillness of each other and watched the night bloom above them. Scott felt the perfection fall over him as he watched the calm beat of his heart. He’d held her a million times down the years; through pain and ecstacy and every feeling in between, but what he held now was different. Since they’d decided to test out the world as a couple, there was something altogether richer and deeper and more precious about the pulse that he held between his fingers. He felt its weight and its lightness at the same time; its security and its fragility. He pressed himself tighter against her back, fusing their bodies together, becoming a part of her._

_“I love you,” he dropped the words into her ear with a kiss. He had said them so many times over the weeks they had been together, but he never tired of saying them, and they were loaded with more feeling each time they left his mouth. _

_“I love you, too,” Tessa replied with a corresponding kiss, hers pressed to the softness of his lips. _

Scott placed the last plate into the cupboard and shut its door. 

“Do you want to see some of the houses I’ve shortlisted?” he asked as he headed towards the lounge. 

“You work fast,” Tessa smiled as she followed him. 

Scott smiled over his shoulder as they left the hallway and entered the lounge. It didn’t escape Tessa’s notice that the pictures on the walls - the ones of them - had been removed and replaced with pictures of Nate. She swallowed quickly as she anticipated the rising of emotion in her chest. She had no right to feel saddened at the removal of their past from the house - they had been the ones who’d put the space between them, and their families, as loyal as ever, had only followed what they wanted and tried to ease the pain of the separation; the loss. 

Scott picked up his laptop from the coffee table and fell back on the sofa. Tessa sat beside him and moved just close enough to see the screen as Scott booted the laptop into life. 

“They’re all pretty close,” he explained as he entered his password into the login box, “and I like them all.”

“That’s a start,” Tessa smiled with enthusiasm. 

Scott opened the browser and started to type the address of the online property search site into the address bar. The name appeared within two letters and he clicked to auto complete.   
The screen filled with a list of houses. From the thumbnails Tessa could see that they were all farmhouses with long driveways and fields beyond. She smiled to herself as the pictures she looked at were exactly what she had imagined Scott would be showing her.

“What?” he questioned her with a smile. 

“What?” she answered in confusion. 

“That look,” he smiled, “what are you thinking?”

She chuckled lightly as she answered, “that you’re nothing if not predictable,” she smiled. 

They laughed together as Scott clicked through the pictures of the first house. 

“This is my second favourite,” he explained as they looked at the pictures of the interior, “I love the kitchen,” he lingered on the picture that showed the kitchen complete with original range cooker and high beamed ceilings, “but the garden is a bit small,” he explained as he showed the picture of the house’s back garden, “I want something a bit bigger for Nate,” he explained. 

“Show me your favourite,”

“Ok,” Scott clicked the back button and then scrolled to the middle of the list of houses, “this one,” he clicked on the thumbnail and a picture of the front of the house filled the screen,”I love the porch,” he pointed out. 

“It looks really traditional.”

“And the hallway is perfect.”

“Love the tiles!”

“The kitchen is nicely finished,” he clicked through the pictures, “but my favourite thing,” he clicked past the pictures of the bedrooms and living rooms, “is this garden.”

The picture showed a long lawn leading to a wooded area on one side and a decked area on the other. The flowers that adorned the borders were bright and cheerful and set perfectly against the blue sky overhead. “It’s got plenty of space,” Scott explained, “Nate would be able to run around and have a pool in the summer,” his voice drifted off as he moved into the garden and the perfection of the life he had planned for him and Nate. 

“It looks perfect,” Tessa agreed, “are you going to look at it?”

“I have an appointment at the end of the week,” Scott smiled. 

“One clean and dressed little boy,” Alma breezed into the lounge with Nate toddling in front of her. He headed straight for the sofa and attempted to climb up to join his dad and Tessa. 

“Hello, clean, bug,” Scott reached out and tickled Nate’s stomach as he tried to mount the sofa. Nate giggled heartily as his progress was halted. 

“I’ve got to get going,” Alma informed them with a smile, “I’ll see you both for dinner later?”

Tessa opened her mouth to excuse herself from their evening meal, but Scott’s voice filled the space her words couldn’t.

“Sure will,” Scott answered his mother as he tickled Nate again and sent him rolling to the floor with laughter. 

“Great,” Alma smiled as she headed out into the hallway and left for the rink.

Nate looked up from the floor and decided on a new tactic in order to reach the seat of the couch. If his dad wasn’t going to allow him to climb without launching a tickle attack on him, he would try his luck with Tessa. He crawled past their feet and used Tessa’s legs to pull himself to his feet. No sooner had he flashed her his best smile, she reached down to help him. 

“Are you coming up here?” she asked Nate as she held out her arms and pulled him onto the sofa, “look at this house your daddy has found,” she pointed at the laptop, but Nate’s eyes did not follow her finger as he was more interested in using the sofa’s back cushion to pull himself to his feet until he was standing on the soft seat of the sofa. He bounced slightly as he tested out the springiness beneath his feet. Finding it responsive, he put more effort into his movement until he was softly bouncing. 

“I suppose you think that’s clever, cheeky!” Scott’s eyes smiled as he looked across Tessa and at his son. 

Nate laughed at his dad’s smile and bounced all the more. 

“Are you clever?” Scott asked him. 

Nate responded with deep laughter. 

“I’m going to get you,” Scott raised his hand like a claw and wiggled his fingers. 

Nate, recognising his dad’s intention to tickle him, became giddy with a feeling of soft fear and anticipation and started to giggle loudly, his bounces becoming more erratic as the excitement built inside of him. 

“I’ll get you,” Scott threatened playfully as he leaned closer to Nate and moved his hand within touching distance. 

The closeness of Scott’s hand sent Nate into an uncontrollable frenzy and he lost the ability to control his own legs. They buckled beneath him and he fell giggling and breathless into Tessa’s lap. Tessa laughed richly as she watched the mix of horror and excitement in Nate’s eyes.

“I’m going to get you,” Scott repeated as he lowered his body towards Tessa’s lap and danced his fingers lightly across the bare skin on the back of Nate’s neck. Nate squealed and burrowed his head into Tessa’s stomach in an attempt to escape. 

Scott laughed as he lunged forwards and threw himself down on top of Nate whilst at the same time wriggling his fingers between Nate and Tessa’s bodies in order to grab at Nate’s belly and tickle him. Nate writhed with laughter, which only made Scott tickle him all the more before bending his head and blowing a raspberry on his back. Nate wriggled and laughed until Scott collapsed on top of him and covered him with kisses. They both lay there, laughing and panting on Tessa’s lap. Tessa, totally taken with the moment and the happy energy that was flowing through her, bent down, both hands raised and a huge grin spread across her face. 

“And I’m going to get both of you,” she launched into both bodies and tickled them until all three of them were rolling on the sofa, breathless and giddy and clutching at each other. After several minutes, they came to a stop, Tessa lying on her back with Scott on top of her and Nate on top of him. There was a moment - no more than a second - when their eyes met in a joined smile and Scott pushed gently down on her body as it lay beneath his. 

They were saved by the ringing of the doorbell, and Scott shot to his feet and combed his hand through his hair as he left the dizzying spell they’d woven around each other.

“That will be the turf,” he declared as he headed for the door. Tessa, equally as dismissive of what had passed between them, picked Nate up from the sofa and put him on her hip as she followed Scott into the hallway. 

The morning was already warm as they headed out into the garden and Tessa headed straight for the gazebo that housed Nate’s sandpit beneath it. 

“Think it’s best we keep you out of the sun,” she told Nate and she set him down on the soft blanket that was spread across the grass. Nate babbled in agreement as he lost no time in sinking his hands into the cool sand. 

The patch of lawn that needed turf adding to it was on the other side of the wide garden, and Tessa looked through the sun at Scott as he stood, hands on hips, surveying the top soil that Joe had instructed him to rake before adding laying the turf. After deciding that a combination of a rake and hoe would do the job, Scott set out with the intention of going to the shed at the bottom of the garden to collect the tools he needed. He was, however, somewhat distracted by the sound of Tessa’s soft voice as she spoke to Nate and held his blue sand bucket out for him to clumsily fill with sand. His feet took him across the garden and into the shade. 

“That’s a big shovel for a little guy like you,” Scott told Nate as he dropped to his haunches. 

Nate waved the shovel in Scott’s direction and narrowly missed his nose with its plastic end. 

“Careful there, bud,” Scott laughed as he ducked out of the shovel’s path. 

“I think that’s your cue to get on with the job!” Tessa teased. 

“I know,” Scott rolled his eyes, “there’s just something far more appealing about building sandcastles in the shade,” he pouted. 

Scott ruffled Nate’s hair as he got to his feet and left the warmth of the moment that was being played out in the shade. 

Nate was happily occupied by the sandpit until lunchtime came around. Tessa noticed him getting irritable and tetchy and looked down at her watch. She knew that he napped after his lunch and reasoned that he should probably eat soon. 

“Do you want some lunch, Nate?” she asked as they tipped another cup of sand onto the pile that was already forming in the middle of the sandpit. 

Nate rubbed his stomach in response, and the gesture made Tessa giggle. 

“Let’s go and see what we can find,” she stood and motioned for Nate to walk into her arms. At the mention of food, and with the movement of his playmate, Nate was quick to respond. He hurled himself at Tessa’s legs with a sense of urgency - he didn’t want to be left behind. Tessa straightened his sun hat on his head as she picked him up and held him loosely on her hip. 

“Shall we see how Daddy is getting on with his work?” she asked Nate as they headed across the garden and towards Scott. 

Scott’s face lit up when he saw them approach. He had been deep within his work all morning as beads of sweat gathered on his forehead under the sun as it gathered strength. He welcomed an excuse to throw his tools to the floor and pause in his work. Nate reached out for him as soon as they got close and Scott rubbed the soil from his hands before taking his son into his arms. 

“I’m just about to fix some lunch,” Tessa smiled as she watched Nate curl into his dad, “do you want something?”

“I’m starving,” Scott’s eyes widened as he spoke, “I’ll watch him,” he jiggled Nate on his hip as he spoke, “think I’m due a break anyway.”

Scott and Nate headed back to the shade whilst Tessa headed into the kitchen to find some food. 

It was the first time she had been alone since the start of the day, and the dimness of the kitchen contrasted with the brightness of the garden and brought her mind into focus. She became aware of the domesticity of the moment and a wave of uncertainty washed over her. She stood motionless and stared into the fridge as she looked past its contents. She took a step back, placed herself above the scene - she was looking after Nate, she reasoned, that was all. Of all the things that Joe and Alma had done for her over the years, looking after their grandson for a day was the least she could offer them in return. She was being kind; she was being a friend. Scott needed friends in his life - he was going through a difficult time; through change. She stepped out once more and transcended her mind, she watched her thoughts and wondered why she felt ill at ease. Upon inspection, she found that her thoughts were those born of a fear and suspicion that she no longer needed to acknowledge; the past was the past, she reasoned. She was over the need to protect herself from Scott - she was strong, she reminded herself. She had overcome a lot, travelled a long way, fixed what was broken. She shook all thought of worry from her mind before it had the chance to flower. She even laughed lightly at her own over reaction as she reached into the fridge and pulled out some chicken and lettuce. 

She smiled at the sound of Nate’s chuckling as she carried their lunch down the garden’s path and into the shade. Nate sat nestled in her lap as they ate salad and breadsticks and drank cool lemonade with ice and sugar. Nate became fractious and squirmed in her lap as she and Scott talked to him softly. He pressed his face into her neck and grumbled as his eyes became heavy. She combed his hair back from his face and looked at his pink cheeks with a smile. Nate grappled to get closer to the warmth of her body as he fought against his own tiredness. He pulled on the hem of her top before pushing his hand inside to feel for her breast. 

“Nate,” Scott reached out to place a hand on his son’s back in order to get his attention. 

Tessa blushed slightly as she pulled at her top in an attempt to avoid being exposed. 

“Sorry,” it was Scott’s turn to pink up, “he’s being doing that a lot lately,” he explained, “he tried it with my mom the other day.”

Tessa smiled to show that it was ok. 

“I think it's a comfort thing,” Scott went on as he took Nate in his arms, “my mom’s been giving him a bottle to nap with to try and coax him out of it.”

Tessa nodded as she looked down at Nate’s tired eyes. 

“Jena only breast fed him for the first few months,” Scott explained as he rocked Nate gently in his arms, “so I am surprised he really remembers.”

“Probably instinct,” Tessa shrugged with a smile that told him it was ok. 

“Yeah, I suppose,” Scott nodded, “it’s a big time of change for him. I think he’s just figuring it all out,” he rocked Nate a little more before passing him into Tessa’s arms so that he could head into the house and fill a bottle with warmed water. 

Nate finally settled with his bottle and rocked himself to sleep in the shade. 

“He’s a bit anti-social when it comes to nap time,” Scott raised his eyebrows in Nate’s direction, “likes to be left alone.”

Tessa cast a fond look in Nate’s direction as Scott spoke about his son with a soft love in his voice. 

“How’s the turfing going,” she nodded in the direction of the other side of the garden as she spoke softly. 

“Ok,” Scott followed her eyes to the half turfed area, “I think,” he added with a slight tone of uncertainty. 

“Looks good from here,” Tessa widened her eyes and shrugged her shoulders as she spoke. 

Scott rubbed at his eyes with the back of his hands, “I’d best get back to it,” he yawned, “before I start napping,” he stretched his arms above his head as he watched a smile play on Tessa’s lips. 

“I need to get rid of this t-shirt, though,” he declared as he started to pull his shirt over his head, “far too hot.”

He threw the t-shirt to the ground beside him. Tessa’s eyes darted to the grass in order to avoid laying her eyes on the body that sat in front of her. 

“Have you got sun cream out here?” Scott, oblivious to the effect of his near nakedness, searched the grass for the bottle. 

“Here somewhere,” his question jolted Tessa out of her stupor as she rummaged around in Nate’s things for the sun cream, “here,” she passed the bottle into Scott’s waiting hands. She watched as he uncapped the bottle, squeezed gently as its centre and caught the resulting drop on the pads of his fingers. Her gaze followed their path as he rubbed large circles into the skin on his chest and torso. 

“Do my back?” he asked casually as he handed her the bottle and turned around to present his back to her. She checked herself and shook her mind out of the daze it had fallen into. She sat up straight in order to focus - unemotionally - on the task in hand. She felt him catch his breath as the cool cream met with the warm skin of his shoulders. As she rubbed the cream in soft circles they fell into a silence that neither of them had felt before. It wasn’t the silence of the exploration of new love, or the wordlessness of grief. It wasn’t the silence of awkwardness and forbidden words that had hung between them with such frequency in the days and weeks that had led to their present moment. It was a silence filled with a complicated magnetism that was charged with attraction and repulsion all at once. Tessa’s fingers charted the skin she knew like her own. Her fingers travelled the rises and dips of muscles that she had dug her fingers into, skimmed her palms across, kissed the knots from. Her fingers fell on a scar she had not seen before, they slowed and lingered around the pink skin. She traced the edges of its newness and felt its unfamiliar shape beneath her fingers. 

“Skiing,” Scott’s voice surfaced, “seems I’m not as good on the snow as I am on ice.”  
She felt his soft laughter ripple through his lungs before it left his lips in thin wisps. 

“All done,” her voice surfaced to meet his, and it cracked as it met the air. 

As quickly as the moment had taken on weight it became light, and Scott sprang to his feet and bounded off in the direction of the turf that was waiting for him to attend to it. Tessa was about to follow him into the sun when the ringing of her phone left her watching him leave. She looked down at the caller ID and felt her heart rattle at the sight of Ava’s name. She stepped out of the shade of the gazebo, the phone still ringing in her palm. She cleared her throat before answering it. 

“Hey,” her voice sang into the handset. 

“Hey,” Ava’s voice met hers, “I’m having a late lunch,” Ava chewed through her words. 

“Anything nice?” 

“Canteen sandwich,” Ava’s voice carried the lack of enthusiasm with which she regarded the limp tuna sandwich she was holding in her hand. 

“Busy day?”

“Very,” Ava swigged at her water as she spoke, “that’s why I’m calling actually. I’m going to stay in the city tonight,” she told Tessa, “sorry.”

“That’s ok,” Tessa’s voice was soft with understanding, “more work?”

“Dinner with a new author,” Ava explained, “what are you upto today?”

“I’m babysitting.”

“Ollie?”

“Nate, actually,” Tessa felt the words leave her mouth with uncertainty at the honesty. 

“With Scott?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s good,” Ava hoped that her voice didn’t betray the slight sense of unease that she felt as she spoke. She silently checked her emotions and reminded herself that jealousy was unproductive and unhelpful. Tessa needed a relationship with Scott in order to move forward, and she remembered she was the one who had encouraged her to reach out and connect with him, “where are you?”

“At his parents’ house,” Tessa shut her eyes as she spoke and she felt the need to fill the space on the line with an explanation, “we went out for a drink last night,” he words tripped over each other as she spun them out, “I couldn’t get home - there weren’t any cabs. I stayed in the basement. Charlie’s roof fell in - he’s Scott’s brother- and Joe, Scott’s dad, went to help. But the turf was being delivered,” her words continued to come thick and fast as she tried to explain, “and Alma is working today, so I am looking after Nate whilst Scott is laying the turf for his dad,” she took a breath as she reached the last word of what she knew was a jumbled explanation. 

“Tess,” Ava’s voice was hurried on the other end of the line, “I’ve got to go, sorry,” the ringtone of another phone jangled on the other end of the line, “my work phone is ringing,” Ava explained, “catch up later this week?” 

“Sure.”

“Enjoy the rest of your day,” Ava’s voice grew distant as she took the phone from her ear, “say hi to Scott from me,” she added before she ended the call. 

“Ok, bye,” but Tessa’s words were sent into the dead screen of her handset as the call cut off. She puffed out her cheeks and she sat on the low wall at the top of the garden. She felt the sun like a flame on her shoulders and it heaped the worry onto her skin. Just like she had in the kitchen as she prepared lunch, she ordered her thoughts to suit the desire that sat deep below the surface of her actions - the desire to be close to Scott and Nate and to weave the delicate threads of their beautiful future together. Again reason led her to tell herself that everything was ok, that it was as it should be and that there was nothing for her to question - after all, she told herself, it was Ava who had suggested she should rekindle her friendship with Scott because it was key to her acceptance of where she had been and so that she could be clear about the way ahead with Ava. 

She pushed her phone into her back pocket and made her way across the garden towards where Scott was working. She looked over at Nate and saw that he was still sleeping soundly. Scott was on his hands and knees cutting a piece of turf to size, and he looked up as she arrived next to him. 

“Come to inspect my work?” he smiled as she stood over him. 

“Was coming to see if you wanted help, actually,” she bent down to meet him as she spoke. 

He threw a pair of work gloves in her direction, “get stuck in, Virtch.”

Creeping tendrils of love hooked their way into their hearts as the nickname he had bestowed on her a lifetime ago unfurled beneath the sun’s delicate rays. She pulled on the gloves and they hung around her small hands. They both laughed at the bad fit, but she twisted them at the wrist and made them fit. 

“Grab that trowel,” he instructed as he pointed towards the muddy implement, “and when I lift the edge of this turf you need to flatten the soil beneath it. 

She listened to his instructions with close care, and when he lifted the corner of the turf that he had between his fingers, she put the trowel’s rounded end to the soil he exposed. 

“Bit more,” he instructed as she did little more than stroke the soil, “like this,” he laughed as he curled his hand around hers on the trowel’s handle. He handled the trowel with more abandon than she had, and she let him guide her hand to show her. 

Alma stopped at the back door and took a deep and steadying breath as she met the scene in front of her. They were pre teens again, in matching dungarees as they scoured the garden on hands and knees looking for bugs to put in Scott’s insectarium. In the next moment they were teenagers lounging across each other in the sun when they thought no one was looking, and then lovers in the moonlight, whispering love to each other when they thought everyone else was safely in bed. She watched them laugh together, their knees pressed to the mud and the sun on their bare shoulders and she wondered just where it had all gone wrong. She looked at the picture she was so sure would usurp the framed photos of smiling faces on wobbling blades that had hung on her walls for two decades. She sighed as she thought about their removal and the box they were stacked in at the back of the garage - parting with them was more than she could manage when Joe had suggested they take them down. The frames were gathering dust now, and she wondered whether it was foolish to dream. 

“Grandma,” Nate was at her legs and pulling at the material of her trousers. 

“Hello, sleepy,” she cooed as she looked down at Nate’s sleep creased cheeks. 

Her voice drew Scott and Tessa’s attention, and they looked over to find her with Nate in her arms. 

“You’re home early,” Scott shouted across the garden as he got to his feet and made his way to meet her as she stepped out into the sunshine. 

“My last session was cancelled,” she informed him. 

“Have you spoken to Dad?”

“Yes, he called about an hour ago,” Alma informed him as Tessa joined them, “they’ve managed to move most of the rubble and he and Charlie are coming over for dinner when they’ve finished.”

“Great,” Scott smiled at the information that his dad and brother were to join them, “family dinner.”

“I thought we might barbecue.”

“Perfect.”

“And have you been a good boy?” Alma turned to ask Nate as he started to wake up and liven on her hip.

“He’s been perfect, haven’t you?” Tessa stroked Nate’s ankle as she spoke. 

“I’m almost done with the turf,” Scott nodded over his shoulder, “and then we can get dinner ready for when Dad and Charlie get here.”

Alma and Tessa spent the last few hours of afternoon sun watching Nate splash in the paddling pool that Alma filled with warm water for him. Scott smiled as he raised his head from his work now and again to watch his family laugh and splash. Before long the sun began to set and the cool of the evening set in. 

“I’ll get the fire lit,” Alma got to her feet as she spoke. 

“I’ll get him dried off,” Tessa motioned to Nate as she moved towards him to coax him out of the pool. 

“There are towels in the closet in Scott’s room,” Alma infomed her, “and there are clean clothes in the basket in the hallway.”

Nate allowed Tessa to pick him up and carry him into the house. It didn’t escape Alma’s notice that the final piece of turf was laid at lightning speed before her son declared the job done and headed inside. 

Scott felt the day’s work settle in his shoulders as he kicked off his shoes at the back door and climbed the stairs to his bedroom. He peered around the door’s edge to find Nate and Tessa sat in the middle of his bed. Nate was showing Tessa a book whilst she rubbed talc into his feet. Scott entered quietly so as not to disturb the gentle scene in front of him. He crawled up on the bed and lay on his front beside Nate. The smell of his baby shampoo sent a calm wave through him. 

“Job done?” Tessa asked as she smoothed the cuffs of Nate’s pajama bottoms down before pushing his toes in the rolled sock that she held in her hands. 

“Finally,” Scott sighed as he pulled Nate’s sock up his foot as Tessa prepared the second one. 

“You did a good job,” she smiled. 

“Good job!” Nate repeated happily. Tessa and Scott laughed into each other’s eyes. 

“We’ll let you get washed and changed,” Tessa said as she slipped from the bed and picked Nate up. 

Scott smiled softly as he watched them leave. 

The sun had set by the time Scott emerged from his room and joined the rest of the family in the garden. His dad and Charlie had arrived and the smell of food for the barbecue reminded him of the hunger in his belly. Charlie threw him a beer and he twisted its top off before guzzling it greedily. They clinked the necks of their bottles as they stood with their backs to the house and surveyed the garden before them. Life carried on behind them as they took a moment. 

“How’s the roof?” Scott asked.

“Ah, fixable,” Charlie sighed, “will be a heap of work, but I’ll get it done. It was good to have Dad’s help today.”

“Sorry I couldn’t come and help,” Scott apologised, “Dad needed this turf laying today.”

“Playing house keeps you busy,” Charlie cocked his eyebrow at his little brother. 

“I was laying turf,” Scott made clear to his brother as he picked up on his suggestion. 

“Whatever you say, bro,” Charlie winked as he clapped his brother on the back before heading towards the smell of his mother’s cooking, “whatever you say.”


	36. Chapter Thirty Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short lunch with Tessa and Jordan.

Tessa speared a piece of tuna with her fork and lifted it to her mouth. It had seemed like a long time since she’d had Jordan to herself, and with the knowledge that her sister would be even less available for the foreseeable future, she was enjoying every moment of their lunch together. 

“Mom is so excited about having a second grandchild,” Tessa smiled across the table at Jordan. 

“She’s started ordering clothes already,” Jordan dipped a square of bread into the olive oil that sat between her and her sister, “she’s already made her mind up that this one is a girl,” she motioned to her stomach as she spoke. 

“You and Ted must be really excited.”

“And a bit terrified!”

“You’ll be fine,” Tessa sipped at her sparkling water, “and we'll all be here to help.”

“I am going to need all the help I can get with two of them!”

“You and Ted sorted things then,” Tessa arched her eyebrow as a grin played on her lips. 

Jordan pinked a little and turned her attention to a piece of cucumber on her plate, “we did,” she smiled. 

“Without the need for my babysitting services!” Tessa added. 

“Turns out,” Jordan swirled the lemon in her water before taking a sip. The pause in conversation allowed her time to sort her thoughts into a format that she could explain to Tessa, “it wasn’t really about the sex.”

“Don’t tell me this was an immaculate conception,” Tessa chuckled. 

“No,” Jordan smiled, “there was a real moment of conception,” she grinned, “I can vouch for that.”

Tessa grimaced into her bread roll. 

“What I mean,” Jordan continued with a tone of seriousness, “is that I was hung up on the fact that we weren’t having sex, and that detracted from the real issue between us. We just weren’t connecting with each other. Since Ollie we’d become so wrapped up in trying to be these unrealistic super parents, that we had forgotten that we’re actually a couple,” Jordan explained. She left out the fact that it was partly due to the conversation she’d had with Scott at Marie and Patch’s party that had sent her down the road to the discovery she’d made. 

“I see,” Tessa’s voice was light, and Jordan wondered whether her sister had understood what she’d explained. 

“We lacked connection,” Jordan added, “we were just living on the surface of this life we’d made and we’d forgotten the depths of ourselves.”

Tessa nodded as Jordan spoke. Jordan furrowed her brow slightly as she watched Tessa crunch down on a piece of carrot - perhaps her sister would understand what she was saying more fully when she became a parent herself. 

They concentrated on their food for a few moments. 

“I saw Ava yesterday,” Jordan tried to keep her voice casual as she got to the issue she had arranged lunch in order to speak to Tessa about. 

Tessa raised her head from her food and smiled across at Jordan, “she’s working with someone from your firm, isn’t she?”

“Matt,” Jordan confirmed, “he’s trying to get some god awful scribble published,” she waved her hand in the air as if dismissing a copy of said scribble, “she said you spent the day with Scott last week,” Jordan avoided making eye contact so as not to give the comment too much weight. 

“I spent the day at Joe and Alma’s,” Tessa corrected her hastily, “babysitting Nate.”

“Right,” Jordan nodded lightly as she planned her next comment, “Ava mentioned that you and Scott are becoming friends again.”

“We’re seeing more of each other now he’s back,” Tessa confirmed, “and Ava thought it would be a good idea for us to be friends, to normalise him being here.”

Jordan hoped that her face didn’t show her confusion and suspicion, “ok.”

“He’s going through a rough patch,” Tessa nibbled at the edge of an olive as she spoke, “he needs a friend.”

“Tess,” Jordan moved a piece of tomato around her plate as she spoke, “you and Scott,” she continued with caution, “you’ve never really been friends before.”

“Of course we have!” Tessa reacted as if she had just heard the world’s most ridiculous statement. 

“Well,” Jordan was tentative, “not really normal friends,” she said carefully. 

“We’ve been friends for over two decades, Jord,” Tessa wondered whether Jordan had ‘baby brain’ already and had forgotten the contents of the last twenty years. 

“Friends,” Jordan’s frustration caused her voice to come out louder than she had anticipated and a few of the diners around them turned to look at their table. Both sisters bowed their heads and waited for the eyes to go back to their lunches, “friends,” Jordan lowered her voice below the hush of the room, “don’t have sex!” she spelled out plainly to her sister. 

“We’re not having sex!” it was Tessa’s turn to draw the attention of the nearby tables and both sisters suddenly fell to inspecting their salads. 

“I didn’t say you were,” Jordan bent in closer, “all I am saying is that you two…,” she waved her fork in the air as she struggled for the right word, “you don’t have...well….you don’t have boundaries!” she hit upon the word. 

“We have boundaries!”

“No, you want boundaries, Tess, but you’ve never had them!”

Tessa thought for a moment. The seed of Jordan’s word planted itself in her mind for culmination at a later date. She sat up straight before she spoke with an air of authority. 

“This is different,” she stated. 

“It is right now,” Jordan pointed out, “but the closer you get, the more the boundaries will be blurred!”

“I thought you just said we didn’t have boundaries!”

“The boundaries that should be there get blurred,” Jordan said with irritation. 

“How can they be blurred if they’re no-”

“Look, Tess,” Jordan was finding her baby sister somewhat exasperating, “my point is,” she said calmly, “that unless you guys talk about the nature of your friendship and put some boundaries in place before you go any further, you are going to end up in the same position as you did before.”

Tessa fell silent and the look on her face told Jordan that her advice, although taken kindly, was unlikely to go heeded.

Jordan looked over at her sister and saw the look of dismissal on her face. She huffed lightly before turning back to her lunch. She wondered whether her sister would ever learn!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up - Scott's therapist gets his take on 'turf day'.


	37. Chapter Thirty Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dropping into Scott's therapy session.

Adam sat down and smiled across the room at Scott, “how are things?” he asked. 

“Good,” Scott made himself comfortable as he settled into the session, “really good, actually,” he couldn’t prevent his happiness from spreading across his face as he thought of the place he found himself in.

“Sounds like you’ve had a good week.”

“A lot’s happened,” Scott beamed, “I bought a house on Friday.”

“In Ilderton?”

“Not far from my parents’ house,” Scott nodded. 

“That’s what you wanted.”

“It’s exactly what I wanted,” Scottt agreed, “and it’s perfect for us.”

“You and Nate?”

“It’s got a huge garden,” Scott described, “and a porch like I wanted.”

“A place for just the two of you.”

“I can’t want to move in.”

“Does it need any work doing on it?”

“Nothing structural, but I want to decorate Nate’s room before we move in,” Scott’s voice lit up as he spoke, “I want it to be a place that’s his - somewhere to call his own.”

“To belong.”

“Exactly,” Scott agreed, “we’ve put him through so much change and I want him to be able to settle. He’s been a little different lately.”

“How so?”

“I don’t know,” Scott scratched his forehead with his index finger as he thought, “a bit clingy,” he stated, “and he’s started putting his hands down women’s tops, which is ever so slightly worrying,” Scott said with a chuckle.

“Oh.”  
“My mom thinks it may just be a sign of him wanting comfort,” Scott explained, “he did it to her and to Tess, and they’re both people he likes spending time with.”

Adam nodded, “he’s been spending time with Tess?”

“Yeah,” Scott took a sip from the glass of water he was holding, “she babysat him last week.”

“I see.”

“I was doing some work for my dad, and my mom was working, so.”

“That was kind of her.”

“It was,” Scott nodded, “and Nate really enjoyed the day.”

“And you?”

“Me?”

“Did you enjoy the day?”

“Sure,” Scott nodded as Charlie’s comment echoed in his mind, “it was nice of her to offer to help us out.”

“Very friendly.”

“Exactly,” Scott smiled. 

“You spoke about needing her.”

“I did,” Scott agreed, “and it’s nice that we’re able to be friends again.”

“Did you stop being friends?”

The question made Scott think for a moment, “we…,” he searched for the words to explain how things had ended with Tessa, “we hurt each other,” he decided, “in the end. But we’ve been friends for a long time.”

“What does that word mean?”

“What, friends?”

Adam nodded. 

Scott smiled as he gave his answer - he wondered why Adam was asking him such a simple question, “well, it means being there for each other,” Scott outlined, “spending time together.”

“Being there for each other?”

“Yeah, like,” Scott gestured with his hands as he spoke, “like last week, for example. I needed someone to babysit Nate and Tessa offered to give up her time to do it because she’s my friend.”

“I see,” Adam nodded, “and being there for each other?” he asked, “has that always been a feature of your friendship?”

“Absolutely,” Scott nodded profusely, “in fact, it’s probably the foundation of our friendship,” he explained, “when we were growing up and we were competing we really had to rely on each other; to be there for each other. It was tough.”

“And how were you there for each other when you were, let’s say,” Adam paused as if he was picking at random, “when you were 10 or 11?”

“Well things were an equal amount of exciting and scary back then,” Scott smiled, “so being there for each other then was about being nice to each other when others were being mean, sharing things, showing up for each other.”

“Right,” Adam nodded, “and what about when you were young teenagers? Thirteen or fourteen, let’s say.”

“That was a bit different,” Scott explained, “we were going through puberty in full view of everyone, and each other and we squabbled a bit, but we also got a lot closer to each other emotionally as well. We were there to support each other through worries and feeling homesick. We were family, really. Or that’s what it felt like.”

“So that was a pretty intense friendship?”

“I suppose so.”

“And what about when you were in your early twenties?”

Scott looked around the room as he dredged through the past, “that was different again,” he nodded, “we were young adults and our bodies didn’t always do what we wanted them to do,” he paused, “and I wasn’t the greatest at times,” he added, “to Tess.”

“I see,” Adam left a silence to see if Scott would fill it with more information. The silence remained and Adam knew better than to push before Scott was ready, “and more recently?” he asked, “during the comeback?”

“That was different,” Scott’s answer was instant. 

“Because you were a couple?”

“We weren’t a couple.”

“Oh.”

“Not then, no.”

“Ok,” Adam nodded, “so there wasn’t any intimacy between you?”

Scott paused for a moment, “no,” he said, “there was,” he nodded, “there was intimacy,” he explained.

“Sexual intimacy?”

“Yeah.”

“And you were friends?”

“Yeah.”

“But not a couple?”

“No.”

“And was that something unique to the comeback?”

“No,” Scott shook his head, “no, it wasn’t,” he inhaled deeply, “no, we...our relationship...it...well...it...it’s complicated.”

“Complicated.”

“Undefined.”

“An undefined sexual friendship.”

“Of sorts.”

“And this time?”

“We’re not having sex!”

“Right.”

“It’s not like that,” Scott’s tone was almost defensive, “that’s all in the past,” he informed Adam, “we tried being a couple and it didn’t work,” his voice had a hard edge to it that told Adam that they weren’t likely to go any deeper into the subject during the session, “and now we are friends, and that’s ok,” Scott nodded, “it’s how it should be.”

“Ok,” Adam nodded as he listened to the edge that Scott’s voice teetered on, “so, you’ll be moving in soon?” Adam changed the subject and filed away the previous conversation for future exploration. 

“Next week.” Scott nodded. 

“Well, sounds great,” Adam clasped his hands together as he smiled over at Scott. 

“I can’t wait to have my family around me,” Scott’s mind was back in the house, “we can have barbecues in the garden and movie nights,” he said with a smile.

“Have they seen it yet?”

“No,” Scott shook his head, “but Tess is coming to see it the day after next.”

Adam nodded slowly and did his best to pull his mouth into a convincing smile.


	38. Chapter Thirty Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cracks starting to appear.

The restaurant’s soft lighting made Tessa feel safe and secure as she sat across the table from Ava and smiled at her. 

“I missed you this week,” Ava made sure to keep her voice low. The quiet hum of people talking and the gentle ticking of cutlery on china helped her to keep the privacy that she knew was important to Tessa. 

“I missed you too,” Tessa smiled back as she poured water into their glasses. 

Ava’s work schedule had kept her in the city for the week, and with Tessa busy with the foundation all week, their Friday night dinner was something they’d been looking forward to all week long. 

“How did it go with Matt today?” Tessa asked with a slight grimace - Ava had told her the previous evening that the publishers were not going to go ahead with the publication of Matt’s book. 

“Hmm,” Ava picked an olive out of the bowl in the middle of the table, “could have been worse,” she lifted her eyebrows in optimism as she spoke, “I saw Jordan,” Ava informed her. 

“She said,” Tessa smiled as the waiter appeared at their table and placed down their food.

“You’ve seen her this week?”

“We had lunch together,” Tessa clarified as she swirled tagliatelle onto her fork. 

“I was surprised she didn’t know you’d spent the day in Ilderton,” Ava tried to make the comment sound as casual as she could as she deposited a green bean into her mouth. 

“We met after you’d see her,” Tessa nodded in way of an explanation, “she mentioned it at lunch.”

“Ah,” Ava nodded as she took a piece of bread from her side plate. She had been surprised that Tessa and Jordan hadn’t spoken about her day with Scott, but perhaps with their busy schedules they simply hadn’t had the chance until they’d met for lunch. 

“She agreed with you,” Tessa sipped at her wine as she spoke, “said it was a good for us to be friends,” she concentrated her fork on her food whilst her mind jumped to a less emotionally invasive topic, “have you seen your parents this week?”

“I managed to meet them for a drink,” Ava nodded with a smile. 

“Good.”

“Actually, they asked about you.”

“Oh?”

“They’re keen to meet you,” Ava tried to sense any change in Tessa’s movements in order to gauge her reaction to the idea without having to lock her into eye contact, “they invited us to dinner,” she added as nonchalantly as she could. 

“Great,” Tessa smiled, “why don’t you get them to suggest a date.”

Ava was slightly taken aback by Tessa’s immediate agreement. She stopped eating for a moment and smiled at Tessa, “ok, great, I will.”

They smiled at each other before turning their attention back to their food. Ava couldn’t help but feel a sense of happiness and excitement. She hadn’t expected Tessa to be ready for anything as formal as meeting her parents, but she took her enthusiasm as a good sign. The dinner with Kate had gone well, and perhaps that had given her confidence. She hadn’t told her parents who she was dating, and so she planned to speak to them before introducing Tessa just to warn them and avoid any awkward embarrassment for all involved. 

They chatted lightly as they finished their meal, and Ava felt truly happy with the evening. After spending the week away from Tessa, she realised just how much she felt at home with her and how far they had come in their relationship. Of course, when they got up to leave the table she would have liked to take her hand, or to drop a kiss on her cheek, but she knew that wasn’t an option, and she had made peace with that. Tessa’s acceptance of dinner sparked a new light of promise in their relationship, and the day that they were open about their relationship and their love was drawing ever closer. 

“You are staying at mine tonight?” Tessa asked quietly as they stood in the restaurant’s foyer putting on their coats. 

“Of course,” Ava smiled as she righted the collar on her coat. 

“Good,” Tessa smiled as they headed through the doors and into the waiting taxi. 

They settled into the taxi and sat as close as Tessa would allow as they travelled through the darkened streets of London. The soft streetlights blurred against the car’s windows and created a peaceful backdrop for their ride. Ava felt the softness infiltrate the car and spread between them. She was happy to be moving forward with Tessa and was looking forward to an evening alone with wine and a movie. Increasingly, it was the domestic moments, the small and cozy moments, that Ava rejoiced in. She loved the way the barriers that used to exist around Tessa’s heart were starting to fall and that she was getting closer to the heart of the woman she adored. 

The taxi had barely pulled off the drive as Tessa pushed Ava against the closed front door and crashed her lips against the soft flesh of Ava’s unsuspecting ones. Her eyes dripped with desire as she looked Ava up and down, scanning the body she was eager to uncover. A heat spread through her core. It grew to a sense of domination that filled her senses and her mind. She pushed Ava harder against the door and encircled her wrists with her thumb and forefinger. She pulled down on them lightly before lacing her fingers through Ava’s and then pushing them against the hard wood of the door. Ava took a sharp intake of breath at the use of force and the desire that thrummed through her. Tessa traced her lips down Ava’s clothed body and stopped at the hem of her dress. She moved her lips to the inside of her thighs and nipped lightly at the soft skin there. Ava’s smell filled her and she felt the heat in the pit of her stomach intensify and pulsate through her body. She kept her attention on the skin beneath her tongue as she traced a line to the material of Ava’s underwear. She grazed her teeth along the line where the material met skin. She pushed Ava’s hands harder against the door and she worked her tongue beneath the fabric and licked at the wet flesh beneath. She felt Ava writhe above her and the feeling of control made her own want intensify. She used her teeth to pull down the underwear that acted as a barrier to the pleasure she wanted to give Ava and that she wanted, subconsciously, to fill her every cell and feeling so that the emotion that was threatening to face up to her and ask the questions she wasn’t ready to look in the eye was silenced and left in the shadows where she could keep it arm’s length. Ava wriggled her hands as she tried to free them from Tessa’s grip, but was met only with more force as Tessa sucked at the spot she knew would leave Ava begging for her to finish what she had started. 

The domesticity that Ava had anticipated came later in the evening as they fell onto the sofa after a long shower. They flicked through Netflix looking for something to watch and settled on a casual watch before curling up on the sofa. Ava pulled Tessa towards her and onto her lap, she put her arms around her and dropped a kiss into her soft hair. Tessa smiled and turned and straddled her. She reached down to the hem of her own t-shirt and pulled it over her head to reveal her naked chest before pulling at Ava’s lips with hers. 

“We’ve just got clean,” Ava smiled as she felt tiredness run through her. She wanted more than anything to fold herself into Tessa and enjoy the laziness of the late hour. 

Tessa cocked an eyebrow and flashed Ava a cheeky grin as she bent her lips to her neck. 

“You’re insatiable,” Ava laughed lightly before suppressing a yawn with the back of her hand. 

Tessa continued with her ministrations and moved her hands beneath Ava’s top. 

“Tess,” Ava tried to speak through the lips that were back on hers but was unheard - or ignored, “Tess,” she repeated this time she knew she was being ignored, “Tess!” she grabbed at her arms and pushed her away from her body holding her just a few centimetres away from her, “I’m tired,” she smiled softly, “can we just chill?”

Tessa looked somewhat dejected as she shrugged her shoulders and fell onto the sofa beside Ava. She pulled her t-shirt back over her head and pressed play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter - Tessa goes to look at Scott's new house.


	39. Chapter Thirty Nine

The sky was painted with grey as Tessa drove towards Scott’s new house. The rain clouds were gathering in number with their dark heavy bellies hanging low. She smiled warmly to herself as she hummed to the car’s radio tunes. She was driving towards her friend’s happiness, and that filled her with a lightness that provided the sun to counter the gathering storm. She looked at the written instructions that she had taped to the dashboard of her car to check at which point she needed to turn off. She knew Ilderton’s main streets pretty well, but the tracks and dirt roads were always navigated with Scott’s directions, so she was using the instructions he had sent to her in order to find the house. She turned onto a track that took her between two fields filled with tall crops. The surface was a little bumpy and she smiled to herself as she thought of Scott’s love of all things country and rugged. She soon came upon the driveway to the house. It ran between two tall hedges which shielded the house from the outside world before its gravel took her to an old house and a large front garden. The pictures they’d looked at had made it look nice, but she was taken aback by the soft and homely perfection of it from the first moment she saw it. Scott stood on the porch with a smile on his face as she pulled in behind his car. 

“Wow,” she smiled as she took the four wooden steps that led to where he was standing, “I love it already!”

Scott smiled warmly, “It’s perfect, isn’t it?” his voice was soft and warm to match his smile. 

“It really is wonderful, Scott,” Tessa agreed, “even more wonderful than I imagined.”

“Come inside,” Scott headed for the front door and slipped the key into the lock with pride. He pushed open the front door to reveal a tiled hallway with an oak staircase running to the first floor. The walls were streaked with old timber and the windows surrounding the door were made of beautiful stained glass. Tessa felt her breath leave her for a moment as she took in the house that was so obviously made for a happy family. She imagined Nate greeting visitors with a wide smile as the door opened, and she was filled with the dust of memories yet to be made. 

“This is the main lounge,” Scott started a tour of the house as he went through a door to the left. The room beyond was cavernous with its stone walls and wooden beams and emptiness, but even without closing her eyes Tessa could see the life Scott would breath into it. 

“This is going to be a fantastic room,” Tessa smiled as she stepped over the threshold and breathed in the room’s space, “it will make a perfect family room.”

“I think so too,” Scott smiled as he walked over to the real fire that lay on the room’s far wall, “I hope I can make it cozy in the winter.”

“You will,” Tessa was in no doubt, “once you have furniture in it will be homely.”

“Well, I will be relying on you for the interior design!” Scott laughed as they made their way back towards the door, “you know every room will turn into a mancave left to me.”

Tessa laughed softly as they made to leave the room. She curled her fingers around the door’s frame and looked back over her shoulder in order to take the room in again. Her fingers tapped at the very same spot they would rest in as she peered into the room unnoticed and watched Scott and Nate curled into each other after Nate’s tiring first day at school. Their imprint was left in waiting ready for her to become a full part of the house’s love. 

“And this room here,” Scott crossed the hallway and into the room that ran off from the right of it, “I thought this could be Nate’s playroom,” he explained. 

The room was smaller than the one they had left, but its large floor to ceiling windows that looked out over the front lawn provided a wealth of light. 

“He will love it!” Tessa smiled, “a whole room full of his toys and these windows to put his sticky paws all over!”

“Oh yeah,” Scott touched his fingers to his chin as he spoke, “see, this is why I need your input,” he smiled at Tessa as they turned to exit the room that would become their own escape from the world, a room where they would dance and laugh and love down the years. 

“I don’t know whether to show you the kitchen or the upstairs next,” Scott pondered, “actually,” he said with certainty, “upstairs,” he said as he started to mount the staircase, “and then we can see the kitchen before we go outside.”

The wooden staircase took them up to a first floor that opened out onto an expanse of landing with a large window at its end. There was a sofa and armchair positioned next to the window that afforded a view of the house’s front garden and the fields beyond. 

“I love this set up,” Scott smiled, “imagine having a beer and watching the sunset,” he said dreamily as he looked out of the window and over the town he loved so much. 

“Just needs a bookcase,” Tessa nodded as she tried out the armchair. 

“And a little table,” Scott added, “and it will be a perfect spot.”

“It really will,” Tessa agreed, “this house is amazing, Scott.”

“I can’t believe that it exists,” Scott shook his head, “it’s exactly what I had in my head when I imagined our home here.”

They moved over to the bedroom that was on the first floor.

“I think I will use this as a guest room,” Scott said as they stood inside the spacious room, “It’s the only room on this level, and it has its own bathroom, so it will be good for guests who don’t want to listen to Nate at a ridiculous time in the morning.”

“It’s a very generous size for a guest room,” Tessa said as she looked around the room and poked her head into its bathroom. 

They made their way back towards the staircase and went up to the next floor. Three bedrooms were situated off another large landing. 

“This is a second guest room,” Scott flicked the switch on the first room they entered, “it doesn’t have a bathroom,” he pointed out, “but there is a shower room just next door, so that is pretty much the same.”

“The rooms are all so light,” Tessa observed. 

“The windows are all huge, aren’t they?” Scott replied. 

“It gives it such a nice quality,” Tessa nodded, “I can just imagine the sun streaming through on a summer morning.” They were both taken by the image for a moment and stood in their own version of an imagined perfection. 

“And this one,” Scott pushed open the door to a large bedroom, “this is going to be Nate’s.”

“Oh, he is going to love this!” Tessa smiled, “imagine all the toys he’s going to get in here!”

“Well, I need to relocate the toy room now, so I need to think about where all of his stuff is going to go.”

Tessa strolled over to the room’s large window, “this room has an amazing view,” she said as she took in the view of the house’s back garden and woods beyond. Scott walked across the room and stood next to her at the window, “and the woods from here to the boundary with the field at the back,” he pointed, “belong to us as well.”

“Your own woods!” Tessa’s voice and eyebrows both rose in excitement. 

“I know!”

“Oh, Scott, it really is perfect!”

“I feel so lucky.”

“You deserve it, Scott,” she turned and smiled at him as she spoke and they became immediately aware of their closeness. 

“Thanks, Tess,” Scott smiled as the moment settled. They stood in silence as their hearts sifted through the meaning of the moment. 

“And he has a bath in his bathroom,” Scott was the one to sever the tie as he walked across the room and opened a door to reveal a large bathroom.

“You’ll never get him out of it!”

“I know! Not that he will be able to get into it with all the bath toys he insists on having in there!”

Tessa chuckled as she thought of Nate and the bathtimes he loved so much.

“The master bedroom is just next door,” Scott explained as they left the room and moved into the next one, “so I will be right next to him.”

“That’s going to start well and end badly,” Tessa smiled, “I am not sure that teenage Nate is going to think having a room next to his dad’s all that great!”

“True,” Scott’s laughter hummed in his chest as he spoke. The room next to the one that would become theirs would come to be known as ‘The Baby Room’, but that was a ghost of the future too far and too small to see as they toured the master bedroom and discussed where the bed would fit best. 

“And I am having the bath removed from in here,” Scott explained as he opened the door to the bathroom, “the one I bought from Korea is being moved from Florida to here, so I will get it installed once it arrives.”

“You really do love that bath!”

“I do,” Scott laughed, “best bath I’ve ever sat in.” 

After the master bedroom they headed up the final flight of stairs to the attic. It was fully converted and could easily function as a further bedroom. 

“I think I am just going to use this for storage to begin with,” Scott explained as they walked around the room, “then I don’t need to worry about unpacking too quickly.”

Tessa nodded as he spoke. She smiled softly as she thought about the fact that he would soon realise that carrying all of the boxes to the top of the house just to carry them down again to unpack them was not his greatest idea yet.

“Let’s go down now,” a puppylike excitement played through Scott’s voice as he spoke, “and you can see the kitchen and then the best bit - the garden!”

They descended the three flights of stairs and found themselves back in the hallway. The kitchen lay at the back of the house and they walked past the staircase away from the front door and through an archway. Tessa was immediately stunned into silence as they walked through to a huge open plan kitchen and diner. There was a range cooker, counter island and double Belfast sink in the cooking area and then the room ran off to the right to house a dining table big enough for ten. To the left there was a snug area with a sofa, dart board and pool table. Scott look towards Tessa in order to gauge her reaction. 

“What do you think?”

“I think,” Tessa smiled widely, “Scott, I think it’s perfect,” she smiled, “I can just imagine you cooking in here,” she said as she ventured towards the kitchen area, “and Nate playing over in the snug whilst he babbles over at you.”

“And look,” Scott was on the other side of the room pulling open a large sliding window panel, “it opens onto the garden.”

The cool day blew through the kitchen as he let the outside in.

“Perfect for barbecues,” he smiled.

The sound of thunder rumbled above them as Scott stepped out onto the deck, “but the best bit is the garden,” he smiled widely, “I want you to see it before this storm breaks,” he was practically dancing on his toes with excitement as he beckoned her to join him. Tessa, utterly enchanted, wanted more time to explore the kitchen and dining area, but with the clouds bearing down on the world, she knew it was time to leave and follow Scott into the garden. They stood on the back decking and looked out at the long lawn as it ran to a wooden fence and gate that bordered the woodland beyond. The lawn, green and rich, wove its way around flower beds and trees as it took a set of stepping stones down to the gate. 

“Nate is going to have so much space to play out here,” Tessa smiled as they made their way down the lawn. 

“I am going to build him a play house,” Scott explained with a note of excitement in his voice, “and it’s going to have a set of steps on one side,” he drew the house in the air for her to see, “and then a slide at the otherside,” he explained, “and I have seen this amazing climbing wall online,” he went on, “it will take quite a lot to build, but it will be great project and so much fun!”

“For you or for him?” Tessa asked with a grin.   
Her comment earnt her a roll of Scott’s eyes and a gentle hit to her shoulder. 

“I can just see him running about out here.”

“And I thought I could make a nature area as well,” Scott explained as they made their way to the bottom of the garden, “a wildlife garden. And then he will be able to learn about all the bugs and the bees and flowers and birds.”

“That’s really cool,” Tessa nodded. She looked up as a large raindrop fell on her arm. 

“Oh, we’d best be quick!” Scott said as he unlatched the gate that led into the woods. 

“I can’t believe you actually get some real woods with this house!”

“I know!”

“You and Nate can climb trees and make treasure hunts.”

“I have found a perfect spot for den building,” Scott ducked below a low hanging branch before lifting it up to allow her to pass easily. 

They walked a little further into the woods as Scott took them to the opening he’d found whilst waiting for her to arrive. As they walked another crack of thunder split above them and the sky’s ripe clouds burst in a sudden explosion of dark and heavy rain that fell on them heavily and with continuous rage. They took shelter beneath a large tree, which had the effect of making the downpour slightly lighter. 

“Here,” Scott pulled his hoodie over his head and passed it to Tessa, “I’m only minutes from home, you’ve got a drive.”

She took it gratefully and pulled it over her head, “I love the house” Tessa shouted through the thunder as they both cowered beneath the tree. 

“Thanks,” Scott yelled back, “I’m going to lock up,” he told her, “you make a run for your car!”

“Thanks for giving me the tour,” Tessa was surveying the best route to her car as she spoke. 

“Thanks for coming,” Scott shouted back in response. 

“See you soon?”

“Sure.”

With their hurried goodbyes said, they both made a run for it. Tessa managed to keep mainly to the stepping stones as she navigated the lawn. The gravel track at the side of the house was slippy beneath her feet, but she was soon at her car and reaching into her pocket for her keys. She hurriedly pulled the door open and escaped into the car’s dryness. She let out a breath of relief as she felt the absence of rain. Scott was just locking the house’s front door as she turned her car and headed back towards the road. She watched in the rearview mirror as he ran through the rain in only his t-shirt and shorts and into his car. The hoodie felt damp against her skin. She didn’t need it now that she was in the car. The sensible thing would have been to take it off. She turned up the car’s heat slightly and settled into the familiar smell that she hadn’t realised she’d been missing since she’d worn his t-shirt at the cottage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And, of course, if one borrows something from a friend, one must return it...the very next day (hmmm).


	40. Chapter Forty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One step forward...

In Tessa’s mind, the only reason for driving over to Ilderton the very next day after the house tour was to return the hoodie that Scott had so kindly lent to her. After all, they were friends, and friends return things they’ve loaned promptly, right? Sure they do. And so, as she pulled up alongside the house she was somewhat disappointed to see that Scott’s car wasn’t there. Seeing as she was only there to return the hoodie, she decided to leave it on the porch and send him a text to let him know that she had dropped it off. She folded the hoodie and placed it on the floor where it was sure to be covered from any further rain. She took out her phone and opened the messaging app. 

“Tess!” she stepped back as she heard his voice from the window above her, “I’m coming down!” he informed her as he disappeared from the window. He was soon pulling back the door with a smile on his face and a paintbrush in his hand. 

“I was just returning your hoodie,” she spoke quickly, as if she had been caught doing something that she shouldn’t have been, “I didn’t think you were in,” she explained, “your car,” she pointed in the direction of where his car should have been. 

“My dad dropped me off,” he explained as he pushed his hair back from his forehead with the back of his hand, leaving a streak of blue paint across his forehead. 

“You,” she pointed towards his head with a smile, “you just painted yourself.”

“Oh!” he put the same hand to his head in order to wipe the paint away, but only succeeded in adding more. 

Tessa laughed at the sight of him with his blue forehead, “yeah, that hasn’t helped,” she giggled. 

Scott laughed at himself as he stepped aside and motioned for her to enter, “I’m painting Nate’s room,” he explained, “come up and see?”

“Sure,” Tessa smiled as she headed through the front door and followed him up the stairs. The room, much like Scott, was covered in blue paint.

“What do you think?”

“I like the colour.”

“There is going to be a rainbow on this wall,” he walked over to the far wall, “I used a stencil to trace it out, see?”

Tessa moved closer and saw that the entire lower half of the wall was covered with a pencil drawn rainbow. 

“Have you got all of the paint for this?”

“Yeah,” he pointed at the stack of pots in the corner of the room.”

“Looks like a lot of work.”

“I’m enjoying it.”

“Do you want some help?”

“Of course!”

“Great,” Tessa pulled the jacket from her shoulders and dropped it over the step ladder that was stood in the corner of the room. 

“I have an old t-shirt around here somewhere,” Scott started to kick around in the dustsheets that were laid on the floor, “you can borrow it if I can find it.”

“Oh, it’s fine,” Tessa kicked her shoes off and peeled off her socks, “these clothes are nothing precious,” she smiled at him, “plus, I don’t plan on painting myself,” she nodded towards him with a smile in order to reference the blue paint that now filled his forehead. 

He smiled and laughed at himself, “do you want to take on the rainbow?” he asked. 

“Wow, that’s kinda the centerpiece of the room, Scott. Are you sure you want to entrust it to me?”

“No one else I’d rather!” Scott grinned, “plus, look at me, T, you really think I am some Picasso!”

She laughed at him as she headed across the room to grab a can of paint and a brush. 

“Has Nate been here yet?”

“No. I’m going to wait until the house is ready,” Scott explained, “so we can just move from my mom and dad’s to here. He has already had a lot of change to deal with, so I want to reduce the confusion for him.”

Tessa stirred the red paint as she listened to him speak from across the room. 

“That sounds sensible,” she responded as she put the first stroke of paint on the wall, “he will be chuffed when he sees this room!”

“He probably won’t even notice the walls,” Scott laughed fondly, “he will find his toys and that will be the end of the tour!”

Tessa chuckled softly at the truth she heard in his words. 

They settled into their painting. The careful action of putting the paint on the walls lulled them both into a sort of peaceful trance that allowed them to relax and soften. 

“Are you still going to Kaitlyn and Andrew’s baby party?” Tessa asked casually and without taking her attention from the painting. 

“Yeah,” Scott answered from across the room, “it is the first weekend Nate is in New York, so it will be a welcome distraction.”

“Oh, and it’s not that far from New York.”

“No, just over an hour on the train from New York to Philly,” Scott responded, “I was thinking of flying with Nate and then getting the train.”

“That works well, then.”

“It does. How are you planning to get there?”

“There’s a direct flight from Toronto.”

“Handy.”

“So you’ll arrive on the Friday night?”

“Yeah. I am planning to get a hotel for the night. I think Andrew and Kaitlyn have said we can stay at theirs on the Saturday night?”

“They’re having family on Friday, and friends on Saturday,” Tessa confirmed, “I was thinking of flying Friday as well. I will miss most of the day if I don’t fly until Saturday.”

“Great,” the smile in Scott’s voice was audible, even at a distance, “perhaps we can get dinner on Friday night?”

“That would be good.”

“I can tell you how much I am missing Nate!”

“And I can listen and supply you with wine.”

“I like it when a plan comes together!”

The companionable silence fell over them once more. 

“That’s a big weekend,” Tessa commented as she bent down to dip her brush into the paint, “Nate going to New York for the first time.”

“It is,” Scott breathed deeply as he spoke, as if he was letting out some of the tension inside of him as he thought of the weekend, “I know he will be safe with Jena, obviously, but I can’t help feeling anxious about it.”

“I think that’s pretty understandable. You guys don’t spend all that much time apart. And like you said, there’s a lot of newness for Nate at the moment.”

“I’m worried about when he has to leave more than anything.”

“That he will get upset?”

“He will get upset, Jena will get upset, and that will make me feel bad.”

“There’s a lot of emotion involved.”

“A lot of emotion and a lot of space for it to get out of control,” Scott agreed, “but I will have time to talk about it in therapy before I go, so that should help.”

“Sure,” Tessa nodded, pleased to hear that Scott had already thought about how he might feel and was acting to address any issues, “how are your sessions going?”

“Really well, actually,” Scott informed her, “it’s just good to have a space to talk things through.”

“Yeah, it is.”

“It’s not like when we were in therapy during the comeback,” he elaborated, “there was something specific we wanted from that, something to work on. But with Adam now it feels more like a weekly debrief more than working through issues because there isn’t anything major to work through. We mostly talk about the divorce and Nate, and even that doesn’t feel like a major issue now.”

“That sounds really positive,” Tessa smiled as she continued to paint, “that’s a lot like my sessions with Gloria now. We’re not really addressing anything, more kind of maintaining things, if that makes sense.”

“It does,” Scott agreed, “I really like having a space to talk each week.”

“Me too.”

“You’re forced to make time to think.”

“The questions they ask just straighten things in your head.”

“Exactly.”

“I’m glad we did it during our career - I don’t know if it would be something I would have done otherwise.”

“No,” Scott opened a new can of paint as he spoke, “Jena was always really negative about it, and I couldn’t understand why. But, like you say, if you’ve got no experience of it, you can have misconceptions.”

“Lying on a couch with someone writing notes on you.”

They both laughed at the image her words created. They both set their minds to their painting tasks for a while before Scott stood back from the wall and looked about the room. 

“Think I should get some pictures or prints to put on the walls?” he asked, “so they don’t look too bare?”

“You could,” Tessa stood back and surveyed the room, too, “or maybe some photos of you guys and photos of him and Jena.”

“That’s a good idea,” Scott smiled, “and then he’ll have pictures of us all to look at.”

“Remember those pictures in the hotel in Antwerp?” Tessa giggled. 

“Oh no!” Scott put his hands over his eyes, “don’t remind me!” he grimaced as he recalled the pictures of abstract naked bodies that adorned the walls in the bathroom of their Antwerp hotel rooms. 

“I just don’t understand who thought those were nice!” Tessa laughed. 

“I’m guessing that naked man from the pool would have enjoyed them!”

“No!” Tessa almost screamed, “I had erased that from my memory!”

“You know, I haven’t looked at a swimming pool in the same way since,” Scott told her, “now all I see is floating genitals.”

“Scott, that’s disgusting!”

“It’s true, though,” he insisted, “if you think about it, all pools are just big communal baths filled with hundreds of people’s germs and genitals.”

“Scott!”

“But think about it, Tess. We thought it was gross that the guy was going into the pool with no clothes on, but what is there between the water and bodies really? Bits of material, that’s all. It’s like some warm bleachy soup of sweat and pubes.”

“Great,” Tessa looked slightly sick, “I’m really starting to see my hot tub in a different light now, thanks.”

“You’ve got a hot tub?” Scott’s interest was refocused, “in London?”

“Well, it’s not mine, really,” Tessa was quick to explain, “technically it’s Ava’s. I gave it to her for her birthday.”

“Cool gift!” Scott smiled in approval, “I didn’t know you guys were living together,” it was more of a question than a statement of surprise. 

“Oh, we’re not,” Tessa corrected him, “but she stays over in London a lot, and neither of our apartments in the city have space for a tub, so it’s in the back garden.”

“That’s cool,” Scott nodded happily, “and many a man’s dream, I would imagine - two women in a hot tub.”

“Ha!” Tessa rolled her eyes at his comment.

“Things are going well between the two of you, then?”

“They are,” Tessa smiled, “really well, in fact.”

“That’s good, Tess.”

“Yeah, it is,” Tessa agreed, “she is such a kind person.”

“So are you.”

“Ava’s….well….I don’t know,” Tessa struggled for words, “she’s different,” she explained, “her kindness, it’s just different - deep.”

“Sounds like you two are a good match.”

“I think we are,” Tessa nodded, “I really wasn’t looking for a relationship when I met her.”

“No?”

“Not at all,” Tessa explained, “and even when we started, you know,” Tessa suddenly became aware of who she was speaking to and her embarrassment caught up with her, “you know, seeing each other,” she hoped he would get her meaning without need for further explanation, “I didn’t think it would turn into anything,” she explained, “wasn’t looking for it to.”

“Sometimes love is where we least expect to find it!”

“Hmm,” Tessa nodded weakly as she turned her attention back to the rainbow she was painting. Her tone told Scott that the conversation was over, and his years of learning at her side told him not to probe any further. 

Tessa was struck by how quiet the surroundings were. With the house so far from the road, it was hard to believe that there were any other people for miles around. There was a beautiful serenity in the feeling of escape that the house created. It was as if they were in a land of their own away and apart from the rest of the world. She stood back to look at the finished red arc on the wall and felt pleased with the work she had completed. There was something about being creative that made her feel happy and settled. She realised that she had missed it and that she had moved away from it since the Thank You Canada tour. 

“How are things with the foundation?” Scott asked as he started on the last wall that needed blue paint applied to it. 

“Good,” Tessa answered with a smile and a lift in her voice, “I am working on a project at the moment that we will take into schools.”

“Wow!”

“It is going to focus on helping girls to develop entrepreneurial skills.”

“That sounds fantastic.”

“I am writing the workshops at the moment,” Tessa explained, “and I already have a number of schools interested. Some of the women who are already up and running in their businesses are going to come and tour schools, speak to the girls. I am really hoping that I will be able to make it work.”

“I don’t know of anything you have ever set your mind to and not made work, T!”

“There is still a lot to do, but I am really dedicated to it because I think it could really develop into something. I was thinking that in the long run maybe I could set up a business scholarship or something, but that is in the future.”

“Tess, that sounds amazing,” Scott’s voice was filled with sincerity and admiration, “you are a good role model for young girls.”

“I don’t know about that,” Tessa questioned, “I’m a bit of an old woman to them now!”

“Old!”

“Anything over twenty is old when you are sixteen, Scott!”

“You’re ageless, T!” he winked at her as he said it in order to take the gravity out of the comment, but in his mind he was thinking about how, to him, she was more beautiful now than she had ever been. He had always appreciated, and then been enveloped, by her beauty, but now there was something about her that made her even more beautiful both inside and out. It was something that he would write into his vows and draw tears from their closest family and friends with. 

“I bet you could get a good sponsor for a scholarship as well.”

“Maybe.”

“Come on, T, you had plenty of companies eating out your hand at one point.”

“I don’t think toothpaste can be considered the height of brand fame, Scott.”

Scott felt his skin tighten as she put herself down, he steadied himself - it was no longer his place to say anything.

“Do you have many sponsorships these days?” he asked. 

“No,” she replied with a casual air, “the foundation keeps me so busy, I don’t have much time for other projects,” she hoped that her lie sounded convincing and that he couldn’t tell that she was hiding the truth from him - that she’d been forced to give up her brand affiliations when she had become ill. She had stepped away from all public life and that had included her brand sponsorships and skating.   
They both continued to paint in the company of their own thoughts as the light dimmed outside. It was the most comfortable they’d been with each for a long time. It was also the most equal they’d felt. With the softness of their companionship in the room, Tessa had forgotten about needing to be strong for Scott and keeping her emotional distance from him. It really was the most at peace and most comfortable she’d felt for a long time. If she’d allowed herself a moment of introspection she would have found that she was far more level than she was when she was with Ava. There was something settled inside her that raged and tossed about when she was with Ava; an unseen and unknown trouble that lay deep beneath the surface of the world she lived on when she was in Ava’s arms. It was a depth that contained all the love she needed - a love that was slowly taking form and growing roots that would allow it to withstand all the trouble that life had to throw at it. It was a love that was blossoming beneath a rainbow that all of their children would remember as one of the first images they saw each morning and each night before they closed their eyes to sleep. It was a love that would fill the house they were stood in and seep into the bones of the family they would share it with. But, under the dimming sky that afternoon it was still nothing more than a fragile seed waiting for the sun and water and careful tending it needed in order to germinate. With each conversation, each new understanding and each minute spent being gentle with each other, the bud grew a little stronger. 

“Beer break?” Scott broke the silence as he stood in the middle of the room with two beers in his hands. 

“Yes, please!” Tessa’s thrist suddenly came to her attention, “only one, though. I skipped lunch.”

“You must be starving!”

“I wasn’t until I just remembered about skipping lunch,” Tessa chuckled as she sat down on the floor next to him and took the cap from her bottle. 

“Then you’re coming to dinner!” Scott told her as he pulled his phone from his pocket to text Alma and let her know that there would be an extra mouth at the table for her meatloaf. 

“I won’t turn down an Alma Moir dinner!” Tessa smiled. 

“It’s looking good, isn’t it?” Scott asked her as he settled next to her and looked around the room. 

“It is,” Tessa smiled, “good job,” she smiled as she repeated Ollie and Nate’s catchphrase and held her bottle up to Scott’s. 

“Good job!” Scott laughed as he returned the compliment. 

They both took long swigs of their beer before showing their appreciation at the sating of their thirst. They were sitting close enough for their thighs to be almost touching and neither of them took the initiative to put any distance between them. 

“And you’re still working on your book?” Scott asked as he enjoyed his rest. 

“Slowly!”

“Is there a rush?”

“No,” Tessa said with a shake of her head, “I don’t even know if I will get it finished to be honest. I am struggling a bit.”

“Writer’s block?”

“Something like that,” Tessa sipped at her beer as she spoke, “the topic isn’t something that I find all that easy to write about.”

Scott remembered her description of the book she’d given him at the cottage and how evasive she’d been about it, “this is the book you’re writing about, ‘stuff’, right?” he smiled. 

“Stuff,” she nodded slowly. Where evasion and secrecy once chased her words back to safety, a little light opened and warmed her confidence. Life is a series of moments, one following another and another following that. They are flashes of time, pulses of energy, all made of the same stuff, but they are not all made equal. Some moments are bigger than others, some moments shape the ones that follow them and some create the moments that follow them as they produce new energy and new possibilities and new connections, “it’s quite difficult to write about,” they could have been in the confessional, the sinner and the absolver, the two revolving and morphing in and out of each other as they spoke, “it’s emotional,” she stopped to steady her voice, “it’s about what happened to me,” she elaborated, “what I went through.”

Scott felt his heart stop for a moment - or did it speed up - he couldn’t tell because it took over his every sense and feeling as it became him and cut through all of his other functions. 

“At the cottage,” Scott’s voice was tentative as it stood on unsteady ground, “when we were speaking,” his voice was low and soft, “you said you felt like a stranger in your own world,” the words had echoed around his mind since she’d said them and it felt strange to finally say them out loud; to hear them on his lips rather than in his mind. 

“Everything fell apart,” Tessa admitted, eyes on the floor as she spoke, “I fell apart,” her voice trembled as she spoke, not from fear, but from a strange sense of emotion mixed with relief, “after…,” she breathed deeply, “after we split up,” she said finally, one blade unsheathed, “I broke,” there was no other way to put it, nothing more lyrical or poetic or beautiful to describe it.   
“Tess,” Scott’s voice was barely audible as it reached across to her, “I…,”

“Scott, please don’t say sorry,” Tessa found her strength, “that day after we went to the bench together, I told you that you weren’t the only reason,” she went on, “and I know you asked me what I meant, and that I ignored you - I didn’t text you back. Scott, what I meant was that you were not the only reason we split up. The pain, the loss, the hurt, all of it- it's ours to share.”

“I walked away, Tess,” there were tears in his eyes as he spoke, “I left.”

“Scott,” Tessa turned to face him and the tears in his eyes were mirrored in hers, “I had no right to ask you to wait for me,” she said softly, “to expect you to wait for me to be ready. And if you’d stayed, if we’d gone on, there would have only been more pain, Scott because I wouldn’t ever have been ready,” she explained, “not because I didn’t love you, but because I didn’t love me. I didn’t even know me, Scott. And, breaking down, hitting rock bottom, it helped me to find myself and to realise who I really am and how much of who I was back then was about self-protection and our career and my need to be known,” her heart opened as she spoke and its chambers drank in the sunlight they’d been starved of, “I’m grateful for what happened to me. So that is why I don’t want you to say sorry,” she reached out a hand and placed it on his leg as she spoke and looked at him, “we hurt each other and I know that we are both sorry about that,” she smiled at him, “but it’s pain that has changed my life and made me a better person.”

Scott felt a tear snake down his cheek as he looked at her vulnerability. 

“T,” his voice was a whisper, “then I am sorry that we hurt each other,” he said slowly.

“Me too.”

They reached out for each other, and for the first time in what seemed to both of them to be an age, they folded into each other and held each other. They held onto the flesh of a moment that had taken them both by surprise and yet felt simultaneously unfamiliar and like a glorious homecoming. They held onto the moment, to the apology, to the new understanding and to the future that they had no idea they were shaping. Scott pulled back and they looked at each other in silence, each seeing the other as if for the first time. They were seeing their new selves for the first time - they were seeing the friends they were becoming. 

“I’m glad you’re back in my life,” Scott said quietly, their foreheads almost touching. 

“I’m glad that we can still be friends.”

“I want to be friends,” Scott nodded, “I missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

“I want to forget about the past, and be friends.”

“We need to leave the past where it belongs,” Tessa agreed as they parted slightly, their breath no longer mixing in the space in front of them, “we need to stop torturing ourselves with the past and focus on the friendship we have now.”

“I agree,” Scott nodded as he wiped his eyes. With an unspoken agreement, they moved away from the emotion they had allowed themselves to share with the other. It was as if they somehow knew that if they let it run any deeper they would find feelings that neither of them were ready to face. 

“Friends,” Tessa smiled as she held her bottle up to his with a smile on her face. 

“Friends,” Scott agreed as he clinked his bottle against hers. 

Tessa’s stomach rumbled as she drank her beer. 

“And that’s a clear sign that we need to head for dinner!” Scott’s lightened mood and tone slammed the shutters on the world they had allowed themselves to step tentatively across the threshold off, and neither of them turned back to keep them open.

There were limits, and they knew them and respected them. They had both unfurled a little in front of each other and that was enough. There was a danger in lingering too long and even the little time they had spent in the light of the truth was to be enough to create waves across the surface of their lives. 

As quickly as the moment had sprung to life so did it crumble again to dust. 

***

When they got to Alma and Joe’s they were greeted at the door by a very energetic Nate. 

“Daddy!” he appeared in the hallway dressed in an apron, a shower cap that was far too big for him and brandishing a wooden spoon. 

“Bessie!” his voice rose in both volume and pitch as he spotted the surprise guest, fuelled by his own excitement, he turned and ran down the hallway and back towards the kitchen. 

“No clothes,” Scott commented as he watched Nate’s retreating body clad only in a diaper, “of course,” he chuckled as if his son’s near nakedness was of no shock to him. 

Tessa smiled as she pushed her shoes from her feet and she and Scott followed Nate’s laughter to the kitchen. They found him at the kitchen table stirring a mixing bowl full of dry pasta. 

“Hello,” Alma turned from where she was cutting onion and smiled at them as they came in, “welcome to the crazy chef’s kitchen,” she nodded towards Nate and widened her eyes. 

“Orange,” Nate declared as he added a whole orange to the bowl of pasta and continued to stir.

“Hello,” Scott and Tessa both smiled at Alma. 

“And what are you doing here, Nate?” Tessa asked as she stood at the end of the table and looked into the bowl. Scott made his way to the fridge to grab some beers. 

“Stir it,” Nate replied as he stirred more rigorously, causing some of the pasta to leap from the bowl. 

“What are you making us?” Scott asked as he returned to the table and handed Tessa an opened bottle of beer. 

“Pasta!” Nate shouted. The toddler was clearly a bundle of energy and Alma was likely glad to have them back so that they could entertain him whilst she finished cooking dinner. 

“And the shower cap?” Scott smiled as he poked at the hat on Nate’s head. 

“Cook hat!” 

“He and Ollie have been playing in the kitchen at Kids’ Club,” Alma explained over her shoulder, “I arrived to pick him up and they were both there dressed in the chef’s dressing up clothes,” she smiled, “when we got home he wanted to recreate the idea, but a shower cap was the closest I could get.”

Tessa and Scott laughed richly. 

“He doesn’t seem to mind,” Scott laughed as he watched his son. 

“And he’s taken his clothes off again, I see.”

“Well, that’s why he ended up playing ‘chefs’ at Kids’ Club,” Alma explained, “he stripped off again, and the chef’s dressing up clothes was the only thing they could convince him to put on. I brought him home like that,” Alma pointed at her grandson’s nakedness with the knife she was holding.

“Nate’s having a bit of a disagreement with the idea of wearing clothes at the moment,” Scott informed Tessa with a smile. 

“Oh dear,” she smiled back, “let’s hope he grows out of that!”

“Well, he at least has the decency to keep his diaper on,” Scott smiled, “unlike some we know,” he said quietly as they shared a joke about the man from the hotel swimming pool.

Alma noticed the private joke and raised her eyebrows at the garlic she was chopping - time really was starting to move backwards in her house of late!

Nate threw some of the pasta into the air with a yelp of laughter. 

“Been giving him cooking lessons, T?”

“Ha, ha!”

“You may want to take him outside to burn off some energy!” Alma suggested, “I have an idea there may have been sweets involved at Kids’ Club today!”

“Nate?” Scott tried to get Nate’s attention, but he was no match for the excitement produced by trying to balance an orange on his head.

“Nate!” Scott tried again. 

This time his son looked at him with large and questioning eyes. 

“Shall we play tag outside?”

“You it!” Nate screeched as he jumped off his low stool and headed for the backdoor, shower cap, apron and all. 

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Scott smiled as he pushed himself up from the table and made to follow after Nate, “come on, Virtch,” he called over his shoulder, “I’m going to need some back up.”

It was half an hour later when Joe came in and stood at the kitchen window. 

“They do realise they’re rolling around the grass on top of each other?” Joe asked sardonically. 

“They’re playing with Nate,” Alma replied without looking up from the food she was dishing up. 

“Hmmm,” Joe was unconvinced. 

“Go wash up,” Alma distracted him, “dinner’s almost ready,” she shooed him out of the kitchen before stealing a quick look into the garden and at the scene she had been deliberately ignoring as she’d listened to its laughter in the background. Scott and Tessa had Nate trapped beneath them as they rolled the grass with their bodies piled on top of each other. She took a sharp intake of breath and returned to her cooking - they were playing with Nate, she clarified in her own mind. 

They enjoyed dinner together and were all glad as they watched Nate run out of energy and start to slump over his food.. 

“I think we won,” Scott smiled at Tessa as they all looked at Nate’s drooping eyelids, “I’ll get him washed and ready for bed,” Scott announced as he left the table, “capitalise on the moment.”

“His sleep suit just needs to go into the tumble dryer,” Alma informed Scott as she got to her feet and headed to the dryer, “I’ll bring it up once it is dry.”

Tessa waved goodnight to Nate as Scott shouldered him and took him upstairs. Joe, Alma and Tessa cleared the plates and loaded the dishwasher as the tumble dryer whired in the background. They talked about the weather, Jordan’s pregnancy, Kids’ Club - anything but the friendship that had clearly been rekindled between Tessa and Scott. It was comfortable and homely and relaxed and Tessa enjoyed the feeling of family. 

“This is ready,” Alma held Nate’s warm sleep suit up to Tessa, “will you take it up?”

“Sure,” Tessa smiled as she took the soft warm suit in her hands and left the kitchen. If Alma saw Joe’s raised eyebrow, she didn’t acknowledge it. 

Tessa took the stairs slowly and quietly. She stuck her head around the bathroom door, but found it empty but for Nate’s clothes and toys. She bent and put the clothes into the hamper and scooped the wet toys from the bath and put them to drain before turning off the light and heading towards Scott’s bedroom. She tapped lightly and heard Scott’s soft voice whisper a response. She pushed the door open gently. The lights were off, and Nate’s starry night light lit up the ceiling. Scott turned his head from where he was lying on his side on the bed and motioned for her to come over. As Tessa walked past the end of the bed and around to its side she saw that Nate was curled against Scott’s body. 

“Sleep suit,” Tessa whispered very quietly as she held the suit up.

“He’s almost out,” Scott whispered back.

Tessa smiled softly as she put the sleep suit down on the bedside table and sat in the rocking chair next to the bed. She looked over at Nate and saw that his eyes were flickering open and closed as he tried to fight the sleep that was coming to him. She sat quietly and watched as sleep pulled at his eyelids and closed them. The room was warm and dark and sealed and the stillness was soft and settled.

“He didn’t want to go to sleep,” Scott smiled, his voice barely above a whisper as he lifted his eyes to find Tessa’s as they shone in the darkness. Nate had finally given in and his warm body went limp as it fell beneath his dreams. 

“He looks exhausted,” Tessa whispered. 

“I should think so,” Scott smiled, “I’m exhausted from trying to tire him out!”

“It was fun though.”

“Yeah, it was.”

“He’s got such an infectious laugh.”

“Never fails to cheer me up. It doesn’t matter what kind of day I’ve had. When I hear him laughing it just fills the whole world and there’s no space for anything else.”

“He’s a great kid.”

“I feel so lucky.”

“I’m not sure how much luck comes into it, Scott.”

“Still, I feel blessed.”

“For sure.”

They watched the breath enter and leave Nate’s body as he shuffled closer to Scott’s warmth. They both had so much to thank the little boy for - he was a focal point for their love whilst they figured out how to share it with each other. 

“I always find it so amazing that we all start so small and innocent and they grow into such complicated adults,” Tessa’s thoughts drifted through the darkness. 

“I wish I could see what’s happening inside his brain,” Scott admitted, “what he’s learning and thinking.”

“And how it’s growing.”

“Exactly.”

“You look at him there and you just think about how he could become anything,” Tessa whispered, “anything at all. The possibilities are just sitting right there.”

“I wonder what he will become,” Scott smiled, “what he will look like, what his interests will be, what job he’ll have.”

“Maybe he’ll be a sportsman.”

“Hmm.”

“Would you want him to be?”

“I think about it a lot,” Scott admitted, “whether I would encourage it.”

“Encourage him to have a childhood like ours?”

“Yeah,” Scott confirmed, “I loved it, but I didn’t know it was any different then.”

“Like he’d miss out on the normal stuff?”

“Exactly.”

“But we didn’t feel that.”

“No, we never knew any different.”

“No,” Tessa agreed before falling into her thoughts, “do you regret it?” her question broke the silence. 

“No, Tess,” Scott was quick to answer, “Tess, not a minute,” he looked at her as he spoke, “I don’t regret our childhood or our career,” he smiled as he reached out and brushed her knee with his hand, “not for a second.”

“Me neither,” she smiled as she watched his hand fall back on Nate’s stomach. 

“Good,” Scott smiled. 

“Would you have liked to have more children?” the question tumbled out of her mouth, “with Jena I mean, if you hadn’t split up?”

“Yeah,” Scott’s voice held a sense of loss in its tone, “I think kids need siblings,” he explained, “one, maybe two more.”

“You always did want a big family.”

“I just love the idea of big family meals, garden parties, Sunday mornings in bed with them rolling and giggling, you know?”

“Sounds nice,” she admitted. 

“It does,” Scott’s voice was sad, “but I am grateful for this one,” he smiled down at Nate and placed a kiss on his forehead. 

Tessa smiled silently as she listened to the loss that she didn’t know Scott was carrying. It was a loss she was only just understanding. They sat there in silence and lived through a moment that she would remind him of as he held her close one sunny Sunday morning with a smile on his face as he watched their children worm beneath the warmth of their crisp white bed sheets.


	41. Chapter Forty One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little window into Tessa and Gloria's session.

Gloria took a sip of tea as she waited for Tessa to centre herself and bring herself to the session. As she looked over at her closed eyes, she wondered what version of the truth Tessa would allow herself to talk about during the session. Gloria was experienced enough to know that there were often two versions of the truth - the one that clients were comfortable looking at, and the real truth that lay behind their workings. It wasn’t lying; it was far more complicated than that. It was about the journey that her clients were on - the roads they were travelling. Many, like Tessa, needed to test out their safe version of the truth before they could open themselves up to the risk of the real truth. She also knew that looking the real truth in the eye was painful, but that it was always rewarding. She knew that Tessa would get there in her own time and in her own way, and that she had what and who she needed around her in order to cope with the pain of the process of discovery. She fixed a soft smile on her lips as Tessa opened her eyes and signalled that she was ready to begin the session. 

“Hi,” Gloria said for the second time that session - this time with a softer and deeper tone that invited Tessa to peace and confidence. 

“Hi,” Tessa nodded as she smiled. 

“How are you?”

“I’m good,” Tessa nodded. 

“What’s making you good?”

“Friends,” Tessa smiled. 

“Friends?” Gloria was not surprised by the response, but she was taken aback by how soon Tessa had come round to it - she usually had to be coaxed into discussing her relationship with Scott. Usually she came to it through some other seemingly unrelated incident. Gloria wondered whether the dawn of truth was closer than she’d thought. 

“Yes,” Tessa shuffled in her seat slightly as she spoke, “I have been a good friend this week and I am really pleased with that.”

Gloria swallowed a sigh as the light of the dawn faded once more. 

“That’s great,” Gloria nodded, “you’ve helped someone?”

“I have.”

“Who did you help?”

“Scott.”

And the light peeked from beneath the horizon once more. 

“That’s good to hear,” Gloria did her best to keep her face neutral, “you spoke about how you wanted to be there for him and how you wanted to be strong for him.”

“And I was,” Tessa’s voice carried a tone of almost childish excitement at her own achievement, “he was worried about Nate going to Jena’s for the first time and we spoke about it.”

“That sounds positive.”

“It was positive,” Tessa agreed with a smile, “we are really starting to get back to being friends.”

Gloria picked up on the word ‘back’ and stored it for a later date. 

“That’s what you wanted.”

“And it’s what he wants.”

“Did he tell you that?”

“We told each other,” Tessa traced her fingernail along the chair's arm as she spoke, “we both want to be friends and forget about the past.”

Gloria watched Tessa in the silence. 

“And can you do that?” Gloria asked, “forget about the past?”

“I think we already are.”

“Are you?”

“We are doing normal things together now,” Tessa’s voice was filled with pride, “he has just bought a house,” she explained, “I went round to return something, and he was painting. I stayed and helped, and we worked well together.”

“That’s quite a big step.”

“A huge step,” Tessa nodded, “and we chatted like friends do,” she went on with excitement, “about our families and our work.”

“That sounds constructive.”

“It was,” Tessa agreed, “it really was normal,” she explained, “like normal friends do.”

“Normal friends?”

“Yes, you know,” Tessa waved her hands in the air in front of her, “talking, sharing, giving advice.”

“You said you wanted to advise him, I think,” Gloria offered, “you wanted to help him to develop strength like you have.”

“Yes, and I think that’s what’s happening.”

“That’s good,” Gloria touched her chin and nodded as she spoke, “and how do you do that?” she asked, “develop strength in someone else?”

She knew it was a question that would need time.

“Well,” Tessa began slowly as she thought back to the painting, “I think maybe because I made myself a bit vulnerable,” she offered as her mind danced around the edges of the truth. 

“Oh?”

“Yes, I told him a little bit about what has happened to me,” her voice was less sure as she spoke, “about my book,” she added. 

“And how did he react?”

“He was a bit upset,” it was partly true. 

“Did that surprise you?”

“No,” her voice was quiet and soft as she answered.

“Why not?”

“Because,” she started but could not finish immediately as she tested the waters of her own mind for just how deep she was willing to delve, “because I knew he would think it was his fault,” she said finally. 

Silence. A crossroads reached once more. One fork would take her to the depths of his words, to the reason he felt her pain so deeply, to the mess they were both unable to fully face. The other, the only one she was capable of treading, took her to the surface half truths her world was currently made of. 

“I told him we were both to blame,” her voice took on a lightness that told Gloria she had erected yet another barrier around the truth, “we agreed that we had both done things wrong, but that it doesn’t matter because it’s in the past and we’ve got to let go of it.”

“That seems sensible.”

“It’s the best thing to do.”

“It must have been an emotional conversation.”

Tessa crossed her legs and smiled, “not really,” she smiled, “there were a few tears,” she admitted, “but I think they were more to do with relief,” she told herself as she wiped their actual words from the record. 

“Relief?”

“That we can be friends and not worry about what’s happened before.”

“That’s a very healthy thing to be able to do.”

“It is,” Tessa’s smile grew to take over her whole face, “we’re in a healthy place,” she nodded, “probably healthier than we’ve ever been,” she added with wide eyes and a chuckle. 

Gloria matched her chuckle with one of her own and she nodded and wondered just how much of the truth had just been buried beneath self-preservation. 

“It sounds like you’re really making progress,” Gloria smiled, “you said that being his friend meant being there for him and being an ear for his thoughts.”

“Yes, I did,” Tessa smiled, “and it’s working well.”

“That’s good.”

“It is.”

“Ava must be pleased,” Gloria smiled, “she was the one who suggested you two be friends again,” she clarified.

Tessa swallowed quickly as Gloria changed the track of the conversation. 

“She is.”

“She must be pleased that you spoke to Scott about putting the past behind you?”

“Yeah,” Tessa’s answer was clearly evasive, so Gloria left her the space to admit what she knew she was mulling over. 

“I haven’t had a chance to tell her about it yet,” Tessa’s attempt at being casual didn’t escape Gloria’s notice, but she let it lie, “she’s been busy,” Tessa added, “but we’re seeing each other this week, so I can fill her in about it then.”

“What will she say?”

“She’ll be happy.” 

It was clear that Tess was not willing to think beyond the rigidity of her plastic words.

“That’s good.”

“Yeah.”

“Things are going well between the two of you?”

“Really well,” Tessa was suddenly animated once more as the conversation fell back on more comfortable ground, “I am going to meet her parents, actually.”

“Wow,” Gloria felt her stomach drop and hoped that it didn’t show on her face, “that’s a big step.”

“It was Ava’s suggestion.”

“And how do you feel about it?”

“I am looking forward to it,” Tessa smiled broadly, “hopefully we can get our schedules to align.” 

“Right,” Gloria nodded at the expected avoidance, “no date set yet?”

“No,” Tessa confirmed, “Ava is going to let me know when her parents are free, and hopefully I will be free too.”

“A lot is changing for you.”

“Changing for the better,” Tessa’s eyes lit up as she spoke, “I feel like my life is finally getting back on track.”

“You’ve got a lot happening at once.”

“It’s like all of the healing and the work are coming together, finally.”

“Some journeys take a long time.”

“And then there’s a moment when you realise that you have taken all of these small steps and you’ve got to a good place.”

“The small steps add up.”

“They do,” Tessa nodded and then fell into thought, “and that’s what I want Scott to realise, you know?” she didn’t stop to allow Gloria to answer, “I want him to see that he’s just on a journey and he will get to the end of it and then he will look back and see that there were lots of small steps along the way, and that they weren’t all easy steps, but that they all helped.”

“And then he can heal.”

“Exactly,” Tessa nodded, “he can heal too; like I have.”

“Like you have,” Gloria nodded slowly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up - Scott's take (or lack of it) on 'paint day'.


	42. Forty Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Form on orderly queue with your weapons, please! Tea and gin can be sent to Adam via mail!

Adam smiled as he steepled his fingers together, “well, you look like you’ve been busy at the house,” he turned two fingers to point at the streak of blue paint that ran through Scott’s hair. 

“I have,” Scott laughed as he ran his fingers through his hair with a touch of self-consciousness, “and enjoying it,” he added.

“There is some paint on the wall, I hope?” Adam joked.

“Some,” Scott chuckled, “although whether there’s more on the walls than there is in my hair, on my clothes and on the floor of the house is debatable!”

Adam smiled at Scott’s self-deprecation, “so, all is well with the house, then?”

“It is,” Scott smiled, “I am enjoying it, even if it is hard work.”

“And Tessa came to look at it?” Adam asked, “as you’d planned?”

“She did,” Scott smiled, “she liked it.”

“That’s good,” Adam smiled kindly. He paused for a moment as he waited for Scott’s mind to settle so that he could pose a question that would allow his client to go deeper into his mind and feelings, “you spoke a few weeks ago about needing her in your life,” Adam reminded him, “do you still feel that?”

Scott nodded as Adam was asking the question, “I do,” Scott confirmed, “but things are different now to what they were when I said that,” he added, “I felt then that I needed her but that she wasn’t there. I felt as if she was absent,” Scott explained, “but now, I still feel like I need her, but she is there now, so it feels different.”

“The need is met.”

Scott nodded, “I suppose it is, yes.”

The lack of surety in Scott’s voice gave Adam cause to pause for a moment, “you have her in the way that you need her?” it was a question he expected to be met with either silence or a half reponse.

Scott took a minute to think before answering, “I need her as a friend,” Scott explained, “and she is there as a friend now,” he added, “at the beginning she seemed a little closed - scared, even - but that’s changing.”

“How is that changing?”

“Well, when we first met again she was there and she was supportive and kind, but I always felt like she was holding back - I knew she was holding back, actually.”

Adam made a gentle sound to show that he was listening. 

“And I understand that,” Scott was quick to make clear, “a lot had happened between us and our lives had moved on, it was only natural that she would be a little reticent - that we both would,” Scott went on, “but now I know that it was a bit more than that, and I think that has made us closer.”

“It was more than just the past and what had happened between you that was making her hold back?”

“She told me,” Scott began. He felt his throat become dry as he started to speak about what Tessa had told him. He felt a little uneasy, as if he was betraying her confidence. He took a sip of water and reminded himself that he was not gossiping, or telling her secret - Adam was his therapist, and it was ok to speak in front of him, “she told me,” he began again, “that she went through a lot after we split up.”

Adam nodded silently as he gave Scott the space to continue. 

“That she had…,” Scott wasn’t sure of the words to use, “that she had breakdown, I think,” Scott’s voice dropped to a low and unsteady tone, “that she was ill and things were bad for her.”

“Wow,” Adam’s voice was low and calm, “that’s a lot to confide in you,” he observed, “very personal.”

“It is,” Scott agreed, “and that’s what I mean when I say that she has stopped holding back,” he explained, “she has opened up a bit more and so I know that she is there in the way that I need her now, if that makes sense?”

“Perfect sense,” Adam nodded, “so you talked about the past?”

“Kind of,” Scott nodded, “after she told me what she had been through I felt so bad,” he explained, “I already felt bad because I knew something had happened after we’d split up, but hearing it from her and seeing how it had hurt her and scared her made me feel so guilty. I wanted to say sorry. I said sorry, but she wouldn’t accept it.”

“Your apology?”

“She said that it was both of us - that we were both to blame for what’s happened.”

“Do you agree?”

“Not really.”

“How do you see it?”

“I left,” he shrugged his shoulders lightly as if it was all the explanation that Adam should need. 

“You left her?”

“Yeah,” Scott nodded, “I asked her to marry me and she said that she couldn’t say yes in that moment, that she wasn’t ready and she asked me for some time.”

“For her?”

“Yeah,” Scott nodded again, “she said she needed time to decompress from the Olympics, from our career, the tour,” Scott explained, “we always said ‘no big decisions in the aftermath’.”

“Of the Olympics?”

“Of any big event.”

“Why did you say that?”

“Because of the high and the feelings - the euphoria.”

“Is that something you decided together?”

Scott paused and looked down at the lines on his trousers, “I agreed to it,” he said honestly. 

“That doesn’t sound the same as deciding on it.”

“No,” Scott agreed, “I suppose it isn’t, really.”

“So it was her suggestion?”

“Tess, our therapist at the time, our friends,” Scott’s voice trailed off.

“And marriage is a big decision.”

“I just…,” Scott closed his eyes as he saw the words he wanted to say float past him, “I loved her and I was desperate to just be normal. I loved our career, and I was so proud of Tess for what she had achieved,” his voice became strained with emotion as he spoke, “but I wanted ‘normal’,” he went on, “I was desperate to start my life.”

“Start your life?”

“Well, that’s life isn’t it? Marriage, a family, a house?”

“It’s a version.”

“It’s the version I wanted so desperately and I thought marriage would just….,” he struggled, “it would just fast forward it all, I suppose. I wanted to get started.”

“And she didn’t?”

“She said she couldn’t.”

“That’s different to not wanting to.”

“Exactly,” Scott nodded as Adam saw his point, “and I walked away,” said slowly. 

The two men sat in silence for a moment as they both saw the pain fill the room. It was the pain of regret and loss and sorrow. 

“Could you have stayed?”

“Of course,” Scott bit, “we all have choices.”

“We do,” Adam nodded. 

“But,” Scott took a breath and straightened himself to an upright sitting position - it was as if he was resetting himself as he packed away the emotion that he had allowed himself to touch, “that’s all in the past now,” he assured himself, “Tessa has changed so much, and she is so happy now. She’s happy in her relationship, she’s happy in her work, and now we get to be friends.”

“That’s what you wanted.”

“It is.”

Adam wondered whether to explore Scott’s feelings about Tessa’s relationship, but he knew from the way he was sitting that he was not willing to allow himself to think about anything more than what was on the surface of his mind. He had already dug beneath the surface and Scott had allowed himself to explore deeper than he had in the past, and that was progress. 

“So the friendship you wanted is developing?”

“It is, and it’s like the friendship we had before, but even better.”

“Why do you think it’s better?”

“I think because we’ve had a break from each other and grown as people.”

“And that has made the connection stronger?”

“Not stronger as such, more mature, I think.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, before we hadn’t really had a life outside of each other and we hadn’t really learnt some of the lessons that other people do.”

“Such as?”

“Just stuff about friendship, I think.”

“Right.”

“Just about how to be friends without being partners.”

“Partners?”

“Business partners.”

“Right,” Adam nodded, “business partners.”

“Now we can be friends without being business partners,” Scott’s voice was solid and sure, “and that is making our friendship so much stronger than it has ever been.”

“And is there anything else that has changed in your relationship that you think contributes to your strengthened friendship.”

“No, I think that’s it,” Scott didn’t take so much as a second to think about his response.

Adam greeted the elephant to the room that was clearly going to share the rest of the session.

“Sounds like progress,” Adam smiled, “and how are things with Nate?”

“He’s good,” Scott smiled, “he loves having Tessa around too. They get on really well.”

“That’s good.”

“It’s really good,” Scott corrected him, “it’s perfect - my best friend and my son get on so well.”

Adam was aching to pick up on the word ‘best’, but knew it would be nothing more than a dead end for Scott in that moment. 

“And he will be going to Jena’s soon?”

“He will. I am a bit nervous about that.”

“It’s a big moment.”

“I just don’t want him to get upset.”

“Is he likely to?”

“I think he’ll be ok until I have to leave him.”

“He might not understand.”

“That’s my worry.”

“Is there anything you can do to lessen that?”

“Well, I am going to fly with him, but then meet Jena at the airport so that he will leave with her rather than me leaving him at her house.”

“That sounds sensible.”

“I thought so,” Scott agreed. 

“How will you cope with that weekend?”

“I am not looking forward to it,” he said honestly, “but I am going to be away, too.”

“That will help.”

“I think so. Tess and I are going to a party with friends.”

“So you won’t be alone.”

“No, I will be around people and there will be things happening to keep me occupied.”

“And Tess will be there.”

“I think that’s the most important thing.”

“You’ll have someone to talk to.”

“Someone who understands.”

“Will that be for the whole weekend?”

“I’ll be with Tess on Friday night, and then with the rest of the group on Saturday.”

“And you’re dropping him off on Friday night?”

“Yes.”

“So you’ll have that support there immediately afterwards.”

“I will.”

“When you’re at your most vulnerable.”

“Exactly.”

“You won’t be alone,” Adam pointed out, “you’ll be with Tess.”

“Yes.”

“I see,” Adam nodded slowly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up - some joint babysitting to enjoy.


	43. Chapter Forty Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this has taken so long - work has taken so much of my time of late!

Ava knelt carefully on the mattress that was still warm from her own body heat. She put her hands onto the bed’s headboard in order to steady herself as she looked down at a sleeping Tessa. She looked so peaceful as she smiled through a dream, her lips fluttering slightly as her breath moved gently in and out of her mouth. Ava couldn’t resist the urge to meet the lips with her own and kiss her girlfriend slowly awake. She felt Tessa stir beneath her and smiled as a smile spread across her lips. 

“I have to go now,” Ava whispered against her lips. 

“No,” the word left Tessa’s mouth as a sleepy groan. 

“I know,” Ava pressed the words to Tessa’s lips, “I wish it wasn’t so early.”

Having stayed the night in London, Ava had to leave early for the city in order to get to her breakfast meeting. 

“I’ll see you for dinner?” Ava asked softly as she reminded Tessa of their plans to meet in Toronto for dinner. 

“Mmm,” Tessa nodded as she rolled onto her side. 

“I should have some dates from my mom,” Ava told her as she ran her hand along Tessa’s upper arm.

“Come back to bed,” the power of speech reached Tessa as she attempted to pull Ava down next to her. 

“Wish I could,” Ava smiled as she resisted Tessa’s attempts to ground her on the mattress, “tonight,” she assured her with a final kiss before she headed for the bedroom door, “enjoy your afternoon with Jordan,” she smiled as she turned in the doorway, “see you tonight.”

“See you,” Tessa smiled before rolling over and back beneath the warm covers. 

***

It was just after lunch when Tessa arrived at Jordan’s with a basket of pampering essentials in her arms. Her sister had been feeling the brunt of being pregnant, having a two year old to look after and a husband working away on business, and Tessa had planned a surprise pamper afternoon for them to enjoy. She reached into her pocket and pulled out the key to her sister’s front door. She balanced the basket on her right arm as she reached out and unlocked the door. She pushed off her shoes and headed through to the lounge. 

“Jord?” she surveyed the empty room and continued through to the kitchen. Finding it also empty, she listened out for the sound of life. Her ears were drawn to the back of the house - of course, she smiled - the playroom. She headed through the house towards the hallway that ran around the back of the lounge. She found the playroom door shut, but the unmistakable sound of laughter playing behind it. She smiled as she pushed the door open, “there you are,” she called out with a chuckle. 

“Tess.”

“Scott?”

“Bessie!”

“Bessie!”

Before she could compute the scene in front of her she was ambushed by two toddlers who wrapped themselves around her legs and held on like the little monkeys they were. She was pinned to the spot, her body as still as her mind. 

“Jordan’s not feeling well,” Scott explained as he got to his feet. 

“What? Where is-”

“No,” he responded to the look of shock and worry on her face, “she’s fine,” he assured her as he stood in front of her and spoke above the giggling that was now filling the room as Ollie and Nate tried to climb up Tessa’s legs, “she was tired and feeling sick,” Scott went on, “I saw her at kids’ club,” he felt his jumbled explanation making the situation worse, “I drove her car home and offered to look after the boys so she could get some rest.”

“Oh,” Tessa tried to catch up with what was happening.

“Let me take that,” Scott reached out for the basket. 

“Thanks,” she handed it over and watched as he put it on the table. 

“And you two,” Scott reached down and removed both boys at once, holding them one in each of his hands, “I think Tess may like to use her legs,” he informed them as he placed them both, giggling and squirming, on the floor next to the heap of blocks they’d been playing with. 

Tessa, relieved to be able to walk again, moved towards the sofa and sat down. Scott crossed behind her and closed the door in order to seal in the sound. 

“Is she in bed?” Tessa asked as she removed her coat and draped it over the sofa’s arm. 

“Yeah,” Scott replied as he bent down and sat amongst the blocks and the two giggling toddlers, “she looked pretty pale,” he explained, “she said she’d been feeling sick and that she was really tired. I didn’t think it was a good idea for her to drive herself home, so I drove her car with her and the boys in,” Scott explained as he held a block out to Ollie to take and add to the castle that he and Nate were making, “I told her to go and get into bed, that I could look after these two horrors,” he smiled at the boys as he spoke. 

“That’s really kind, Scott,” Tessa smiled and softened once she realised that her sister was not in any danger, “thank you.”

Scott waved away the thanks with his hand, “I’m glad you’re here,” he smiled, “these pair are quite the force once they’re together.”

Tessa chuckled as she watched Nate trying to sit on the castle he and Ollie had built. He fell off his unsteady feet and fell into the blocks, sending them crashing across the floor. Ollie, beside himself with laughter, rolled across the floor and threw himself into Nate. 

“I thought kids’ club was meant to tire them out!” she looked on at the writhing mass of toddler on the floor. 

“Something tells me someone there is dealing in contraband sugar!” Scott rolled his eyes and looked towards her with an expression that called for help. 

She slid down off the sofa and onto the floor to join them. She sat on the opposite side of the block heap and was facing him with her legs outstretched. He noticed the small hole on the bottom of her sock and poked his finger through the material and tickled at the sole of her foot. The sensation made her curl her toes and giggle as she looked up at him. He giggled in response and withdrew his finger. It was a small gesture, a quick touch, but it established a personal connection between them. 

“Nate,” Scott turned his attention to his son, “are you going to build the castle you destroyed?”

“Bang!” was Nate’s only response as he and Ollie started to collect the blocks and push them into the middle of the room. 

“Right,” Scott nodded his head slowly as she looked at Tessa. They rolled their eyes at each other and laughed softly as the boys started to put the blocks in a row. 

“Bessie do one,” Ollie handed Tessa a block and pointed to the growing wall that was being built. 

“What an honour,” she smiled as she lay on her front and reached over the blocks and added the one Ollie had handed to her. She put her arms out and scooped her nephew into her arms, pulling him into her as she lay on her front. She put her arms around his waist and placed a kiss on her cheek. Seeing that hugs were on offer, Nate toddled over and joined them. Tessa pulled herself onto her side so that she could snuggle both boys to her. They both lay down next to her, the three of them lying with each other. 

“Big spoon and two tiny spoons,” Scott smiled as he looked at the three of them. 

Tessa laughed softly as she pulled the boys closer, “are you my two tiny spoons?” she asked them as she placed a kiss on each of their heads. 

Nate started doing a noise that was meant to be snoring. Scott let out a laugh at the sound. Nate jumped to his feet and yelled, “oi,” at his dad before going back to his spot, putting his finger out at his dad in warning and then snoring again. 

“Looks like you’re in trouble,” Tessa laughed in Scott’s direction. 

“It’s a game,” he explained as she lay on his side facing the three of them, “now,” he said as he stretched his arms above his head in a panto yawn, “I am going to sleep and don’t you wake me up,” he warned before settling down and snoring loudly. Nate, recognising one of his favourite games, worked hard to suppress his laughter as he crawled away from Tessa and hit his dad gently on the head. Feeling the boy’s hand, Scott woke suddenly and looked around in a bewildered gaze, unable to see the person who had woken him. Nate giggled into Tessa’s stomach as he watched his dad search for the origin of the disturbance. Pretending he had no idea who had woken him, Scott settled down again and started to snore loudly. As soon as his eyes were shut, Nate crawled towards him again and patted him before scurrying back to the safety of Tessa as his dad awoke with a start. The little one was practically gasping for air as he tried to muffle his laughter in Tessa’s shirt. Scott settled to sleep once more, and Ollie, enchanted by the game, joined his playmate in slithering across the floor to wake Scott before they threw themselves back into Tessa’s body and feigned ignorance as they laughed heartily. They repeated the game once more. On the third go, Scott woke up as he heard them crawl towards them and captured them both, pinning them to the floor and tickling them. 

“Bessie turn,” Ollie declared and he pushed Tessa to the floor to show her that he wanted her to go to sleep. 

Tessa obliged, “now,” she said as she lay down and stretched out, “I am going to sleep, and don’t you wake me up,” she warned as she got comfortable. The boys, who were now snuggled with Scott, laughing in anticipation of their game as they watched Tessa go to sleep. No sooner had she shut her eyes, they were slithering across the floor to wake her. She woke with a dramatic yelp as the boys slid back towards Scott, their laughter slipping through the hands they were using to cover their mouths. 

“Who woke me up!” Tessa said with a sleepy voice. 

“Good acting, T!” Scott raised his eyebrows over the heads of the giggling boys, “very realistic.”

She shot him a playful look before settling back to sleep and starting to snore. The boys, making a grand attempt (and failing) to be quiet, hurried across the floor and tapped her back before running back to Scott. Tessa shot up quicker than the first time, but still the boys remained undetected, “who woke me up?” she questioned with mock annoyance. She looked around the room and the boys’ bodies shook with laughter as she failed to see them hiding in Scott’s chest. She lay back down and started to snore as she listened for their footsteps. Once she knew they were close, she turned quickly and captured them both in her arms before throwing them to the floor and hovering above them, tickling them until their laughter filled the room. 

“Your turn, boys,” Scott declared as he moved across to sit next to Tessa in order to allow the boys space to lie down.

Nate and Ollie did their best to copy the adults as they went to sleep curled next to each other. 

“No wake up!” Ollie pointed his finger at Tessa and Scott before putting his head to the floor and doing his best snoring impression. Nate followed suit and soon the two boys were waiting for the adults to disturb them. 

“How long do you think we can get away with?” Scott whispered low next to Tessa’s ear.

“I’m going with less than thirty seconds,” Tessa whispered back as they looked over at the boys and saw Ollie half open an eye to check what was taking so long. 

“Think that may be a gross over estimate,” Scott laughed into her ear before he set off towards the boys. He tapped Ollie on the shoulder before squeezing Nate’s leg. The boys reacted in an instant and were soon on their feet asking who had woken them up.

“Naughty!” Ollie pointed in the direction of Tessa and Scott as he shouted at them for their crime. 

The two giggled hard as they watched the seriousness in Ollie’s face. 

“Any more of that, and we’ll be on the naughty step!” Scott joked. 

“With his temper, I think the naughty step would be a kind punishment!”

“Go sleep!” Nate announced as he and Ollie settled back down again. 

This time it was Tessa who crawled across the floor and surprised the boys. She managed to get in a few tickles before she withdrew. With a mixture of mock anger and uncontrollable giggling, the boys threw themselves on Tessa and Scott and tried to administer their own tickles. 

“Oh no,” Scott shouted in mock distress, “not tickles!” 

He and Tessa squirmed as if they were being tickled, although the boys’ chubby fingers did little in the way of effective tickling. 

“You sleep,” Ollie pushed at Tessa in order to get her to lie down.

“I’ve already been to sleep,” Tessa reminded Ollie with a smile that she had already taken a turn in their game. 

“You sleep,” Ollie repeated as he tried to push Scott down. 

“I’ve been to sleep, too,” Scott smiled at Ollie. His refusal only made the boy more insistent as he pushed at him. 

“Ok, one more go for me,” Scott rolled his eyes at Tessa as the adults felt the game wearing a little thin. 

Tessa made to move out of the way to allow Scott to lie down. She received a push from Ollie as she tried to move. 

“Bessie sleep,” Ollie ordered. 

“Oh, we have to have a go together,” Scott realised what Ollie was trying to arrange. 

“Come on, Bessie,” Scott caught her around the waist and pulled her across the floor towards him, “you can be little spoon,” he laughed as he pulled her against his body and lay on his side with her positioned in front of him. He rested a hand on her hip as they settled. 

Tessa laughed as she allowed herself to be pulled towards him and settled down, closing her eyes. 

“We’re going to sleep!” Scott declared, “don’t wake us up!”

The boys scuttled off with a giggle. It was only seconds before they were being patted erratically on their heads. They both leapt up with feigned shock. 

“Who woke me up?” Tessa asked as she looked around the room. 

Ollie and Nate were in a ball of suppressed giggles on the other side of the room. 

“I’m so tired,” Scott made a show of yawning widely before lying down again. 

“We’re going to sleep,” it was Tessa who spoke this time, “now, don’t you wake us up!” 

The boys swapped conspiratorial looks as they watched the adults settle down. It wasn’t until they were there, lying in stillness and silence that each became aware of the other. Tessa felt the press of Scott’s body on her back as he wriggled to get more comfortable on the floor. She became aware of the familiarity of his touch and smell. It was like a wind from another life was sweeping over her and breathing a familiar feeling into her. There was a sense that it could lift her up and carry her away, but she remained rooted to the ground, to the moment. She was somehow aware that there was a danger in the situation, but she wasn’t awake enough to address it where as it cartwheeled around the periphery of the world. Before she had a chance to follow her thoughts any further her legs were being grabbed at by podgy fingers and she opened her eyes to the retreating toddlers. 

“You little monsters,” Scott sang as he got up from where he and Tessa lay and headed over to the boys with his arms outstretched. The boys laughed as they tried to dodge the incoming Scott. Their attempts were futile as he lunged forward and picked them both up in his arms. They squirmed and struggled against his grasp as he carried them over to the sofa and dumped them onto it like sacks. They were soon clambering down and heading for the toy box and the source of their next period of entertainment. Scott sat down onto the sofa with a sigh as he let his body go limp.

“I actually do need a nap now!” he laughed as Tessa flopped down on the sofa next to him. 

“Have they eaten lunch?” 

“They have,” Scott nodded, “I made sandwiches when we got home.”

“It must be nap time by now!”

“It must be,” Scott agreed, “in fact, we are going to have two grumpy bums on our hands all afternoon if we don’t get them down soon.”

“Shall we try to settle them?”

“Good idea,” Scott got to his feet as he spoke, “I’ll put cushions down for Nate now and then we can get them chilled,” he gathered some cushions from around the room and made a space on the floor before arranging them into a comfy pile, “where does Ollie nap?” 

“He’s got a little flat cot in here somewhere,” Tessa said as she mooched around the room for the cot she knew OIllie used for his nap. She found it underneath the sofa and pulled it out into the room, “he is useless at putting himself to sleep, though,” she smiled, “he needs rocking to sleep, but once he’s out he’s fine.”

They gathered some books, softs toys and two blankets on the sofa before getting the boys’ attention. 

“Nate?” Scott called across the room softly, “do you want a story?” he asked. 

Nate looked up from what he was doing and turned to look at his dad and the book he was holding in the air. The cars he was playing with quickly forgotten, he toddled towards Scott and into his arms. He rubbed at his eyes as Scott picked him up and settled him on his lap on the couch. 

“Ollie?” Tessa called, “story?”

Ollie didn’t need asking twice and was soon trying to pull himself up onto the sofa to join his friends and aunty. Tessa helped him onto the sofa and he made a beeline for her lap, folding himself against her body and putting his head against her chest. 

“Let’s get a bit closer here,” Scott said as he shuffled over towards Tessa so that both boys could see the book he was holding out. 

Tessa pulled a blanket from beneath them and wrapped Ollie tightly in it. The toddler snuggled closer to her and was suddenly tired. He curled his finger into his aunt’s hair and settled in for the story. Nate looked over at the sleepy Ollie having his cuddle and lay his head on Scott’s chest. Scott smiled at Nate, and knew that once he felt tired his independence would win through and he would shuffle off and bury himself in the cushions that were waiting for him. Scott opened the book and the boys looked over at the page of bright colours. Scott whispered in their ears as he read, pointing out the animals and the colours that were on the pages. He said very little, instead allowing Nate to trace the pictures with his fingers as Ollie watched from the warmth of his blanket and his aunt’s body. Nate rubbed at his eyes again before pushing away from Scott and asking to get down. Scott placed a kiss on his head before letting him down so that he could pass out in comfort. He was soon snuggling down into the cushions and falling into his nap. Ollie was proving a little harder to settle as he rubbed his face on Tessa’s shirt in an attempt to soothe his tired eyes. 

“Come on, tired boy,” she soothed as she reclined against the sofa’s back and repositioned him so that his body was lying against hers. Ollie settled into the new position and curled his head into Tessa’s neck. Tessa put her fingers to his hair and combed it through gently. Scott looked at the scene next to him and felt something turn in his chest. There was something about watching Tessa with Ollie that made him feel bereft. He closed his eyes and looked away - the feelings welling in his chest were far too big to contemplate. What he couldn’t bear to look at was the future that he had so badly wanted to be his. A scene that he had been trying to create when he’d asked her to marry him. It was a scene that would live in his skull in the months ahead, fading into his dreams and leaking into his waking thoughts. Its significance wouldn’t be uncovered until they were forced to face the truth that they were both putting so much energy into denying. It was a moment he would look back on as Ollie and Nate’s laughter wafted from the garden and through to their lounge where Tessa sat nursing their daughter. One day the moment itself would be the past instead of the thing provoking thoughts of it. 

“I think he’s finally gone,” Tessa whispered, “are his eyes closed?”

Scott beant his head to look at Ollie’s face, “yeah,” he whispered in response. 

“Ok,” Tessa spoke very quietly and slowly, “I’ll pass him to you,” she explained, “just put him on the cot and I will make sure he’s covered.”

“Ok little man,” Scott whispered to Ollie as he bent down towards him. He pushed his hand beneath Ollie and Tessa’s warm bodies as he tried to scoop the toddler into his arms. He felt the soft, warm skin of Tessa’s stomach against his hand as he reached down to where Ollie’s body had pushed her shirt up. His fingers grazed her piercing and something leapt through his fingertips and into the pores of his skin. Little by little, they were starting to seep into each other once more. Their bodies were ahead of their minds as they fell into a dangerous rhythm, “got him,” Scott assured Tessa as she unwound her arms from Ollie. 

Scott moved carefully to the cot and lay the toddler down with care. He stepped back slowly as Ollie settled himself. He and Tessa held their breath and they waited to see if Ollie was to remain asleep. 

“I’ll put the blanket on him,” Tessa knelt to Ollie and placed the blanket over him. They both stood back and looked at the sleeping boys. They let out a synchronised and silent sigh of relief at the stillness and silence. 

“Success,” Scott grinned. 

“Don’t jinx it!” Tessa warned as she headed for a nearby drawer. Opening it, she pulled out a baby monitor, “my phone’s already connected,” she explained as she turned on the monitor’s screen, “so we should be able to to see them,” she explained as she positioned the monitor and took out her phone. She looked between the phone and the monitor and made adjustments until the picture on her phone showed the boys’ sleeping forms. Satisfied that it was set up correctly and they could monitor the boys, Tessa and Scott tip-toed towards the door and quietly made their escape from the room. They didn’t return to regular footfall until they were out of the corridor and safely in the lounge. 

“Think we’ve earnt a cup of tea,” Tessa smiled, “you take a seat, I’ll put the kettle on,” she pointed at the sofa as she headed for the kitchen. 

“Thanks,” Scott smiled as he took her up on her offer and got comfy on the sofa.

Tessa returned a few minutes later with two steaming cups of tea and a plate of biscuits. She handed Scott a cup of tea before settling next to him on the sofa. They both grabbed a biscuit and sipped at their tea in the welcomed calmness. 

“Ah, I’m so glad you’re here, T,” Scott rested his head back against the sofa’s back as he spoke. 

“I’m glad I’m here,” Tessa said with sincerity, “I love watching them play together.”

“They are beyond cute,” Scott agreed. 

“And also beyond exhausting,” Tessa added with a grin. 

“That too!” Scott laughed. 

They both sipped at their tea in silence as they wound down from the morning. Scott’s mind travelled back to the image of Tessa and Ollie on the sofa, and he couldn’t help but linger on the image and allow it to create thoughts in his mind.

“Do you think you’ll have any children?” the question had passed his lips before he had the chance to check it. It took him by surprise and his immediate reaction was to try to take it back. It was a question that really was not his to ask, and one that carried emotional baggage that they were both only too aware of, “sorry, I-,”

“No, it’s ok,” Tessa interrupted in a desperate attempt to combat the awkwardness that threatened to settle, “I don’t know,” she answered honestly, “I suppose I could be more open to the possibility now,” she said honestly, “but it’s not something I have given much thought to.”

“Sure,” Scott nodded, “you would make a great mom,” Scott smiled, “if that’s ok for me to say?” 

They were testing the waters- they were both aware of that, and they didn’t need to hide the fact. There was an awareness that they were on some form of new ground in their relationship, and there was some awareness that the rules needed to be established. 

“Yeah, it’s ok,” Tessa informed him, “and nice of you to say, but I am not sure I agree!”

“You’re amazing with Ollie and Nate,” his words carried echoes of past conversations and the assurances he had given her over the years. 

“There’s a big difference between babysitting and being a mom,” Tessa chuckled. 

“In many ways,” Scott agreed, “but not when it comes to love and compassion,” his words sent them both into a silence. They both feared stepping back onto a merry-go-round that they had ridden too many times before; turning at a dizzying speed between desire and security and love and fear. Scott had always seen a clear way out to steady ground and the life he wanted. Tessa had only ever felt the disorientation of the perpetual rotation and the potential entrapment of the steady ground Scott burned for. 

“Well, I think you’d make a great mom, T,” Scott’s hand fell to her knee as he spoke and for the second time that day his fingertips pulsed with the past and added something to the beat of his heart that he was yet to realise was missing. 

There weren’t words for her to use to reply - they were all too raw or too thought-provoking. And so, she played a card she so often relied on: avoidance. 

“How’s the house coming along?”

Scott’s response didn’t miss a beat. His mind was so learned when it came to her that their rhythms were innate, “I’m making progress,” he smiled, “I’m hoping we’ll be living there full time in a couple of weeks.”

“That’s good,” Tessa nodded as she finished the last of her tea and placed the empty cup onto the coffee table that sat at their feet, “are you going to have a housewarming party?”

“Oh,” Scott raised his eyebrows at the idea, “I hadn’t thought,” he put his hand to his chin, “maybe I’ll arrange something,” he nodded at the idea as it came to him, “more of a get together than a party, though.”

“You could have a barbecue in that amazing garden.”

“I could,” Scott got excited at the idea, “that’s a great idea, T.”

They discussed some ideas for the newly planned barbecue. They talked about the boys being there, laughing, having fun, about the food that they would cook and the drinks they would mix. It escaped both of them that the images they painted naturally included both families. The pictures they painted were a strange collage of past and present with elements of a future yet to be sketched out. 

“I’m going to prepare some dinner,” Scott informed her as he went to rise from the sofa, “something Jordan can heat up later.”

“That’s really kind,” Tessa looked at him as she smiled. 

“Little tip my mom taught me,” Scott got up from the sofa and picked up the empty cups to take into the kitchen with him, “make the most of the time you have whilst they’re sleeping!”

“So, not falling asleep on the sofa and leaving your son to roam around on his own,” Tessa teased him. 

“He wasn’t alone,” Scott laughed as he teased back, “he had the super sitter in his corner.”

They both laughed, Tessa mostly to cover up the veiled compliments that Scott was adept at throwing in her direction, and Scott because he hadn’t felt so at ease since the day they were painting Nate’s bedroom. It was beginning to dawn, albeit slowly, on him that the moments in which he was most relaxed, happy and himself were when he was with her. 

“What are we making?” Tessa asked as she trailed him into the kitchen. 

“Lasagne,” Scott replied, “I checked the fridge earlier. There’s everything we need.”

“Great,” Tessa opened the dishwasher so that he could place the cups into it, “will you show me?”

“I’ve shown you how to make lasagne before!”

“I’ve forgotten.”

“You weren’t concentrating more like,” it came from beneath his breath and was meant to be a joke, but once their minds had the chance to catch up with the events of their first lasagne making session and the messy sexual encounter it had turned into, they both blushed profusely and hid their faces from one another.

“You’re on chopping and stirring,” Scott lifted the silence with his orders. Their awkward moments, although still present, were getting easier to combat. He went to the fridge and collected onion, celery, garlic and tomatoes, “right, small pieces of onion and garlic, please.”

Tessa pulled a knife from the drawer and started to chop the onion and garlic. She set them aside and asked what she should do next. Scott looked at the perfectly chopped pile. 

“You really have learnt something from those daytime TV cooking shows,” he commented as he remembered what she had told him when they had cooked together at the cottage. 

“Onion and garlic,” she smiled, “they are probably the most used ingredients!”

“Was that when you were ill?” it was the second question of the day that seemed to have life of its own, “sorry-” he started to apologise.

“No, it’s ok,” she stopped him, “I told you about what had happened. I am ok to talk about it. Well, a bit.”

“Ok, well, you know I don’t expect you to talk about anything you don’t want to.”

“I know that.”

“Pause is there, right?” he made reference to a technique that they’d utilised during the comeback. It was something JF had taught them during their sessions as they tried to communicate with each other without being pulled into emotion. 

“Sure,” her response was quiet as her mind reached into its past learning and dredged information from it. She was grateful of his mention of the technique that had worked so well for them and allowed them to separate the professional and personal when they needed to discussion things, “I lived here for a while,” she told him, “at the beginning,” she explained, “once we understood what was really going on and I started to get help.”

“You moved in?”

“Yeah,” she nodded as she cut into a tomato, “I was living on my own, but…,” she dredged through the darkened images in her mind, “I wasn’t coping,” she settled on, “I needed to be with people,” it was a horribly ineffective explanation, but it was the only one she could give.

“And you watched a lot of TV?” Scott helped her by bringing the conversation back to safer ground. 

“I didn’t like going out of the house,” the honesty poured from her, “it made me anxious. I stayed here, in my room, in the lounge, watching TV, reading books. It was all so inane, and it would drive me mad now, but at the time it was the only activity my mind could cope with. It was kind of numbing, I suppose.”

Scott nodded as he bit back tears that threatened to spill into his cheeks. He turned to the fridge to grab more tomatoes that they didn’t need, but it gave him a moment to compose himself. He knew that crying was not what she wanted or needed from him. And, if he was honest - when he was at a point to be honest - he would find that the tears were about his own guilt as much as her pain. 

“What’s the next step after chopping,” it was Tessa who changed the conversation and put them back in the kitchen and their minds back on the cooking. 

“We need to fry this onion and garlic with the meat,” Scott instructed with a little more enthusiasm than frying really warranted, but helped to reset the atmosphere. 

“Ok,” Tessa hovered near the pan that was already warming, “shall I put it in?” she asked as she motioned to the onion and garlic that were heaped on the chopping board in her hand. 

“Sure,” Scott nodded as he watched her push the ingredients into the pan and watch them gently sizzle as they hit the oil. 

“You stir,” Scott passed her a wooden spoon, “and I’ll put the beef in.”

Their joint work had them standing shoulder to shoulder in front of the stove. There was something so natural about their joint efforts. The team that they had spent so long becoming had clearly left an imprint on their behaviour and it was astonishing how easily they fell back into their old rhythms. What they failed to stop to consider was that some of their rhythms - the teamwork, the work ethic and the good they saw in each other - were positive and posed little danger, but they were not the only rhythms they had established. There was the pushing and pulling at each other that they had tried so hard to therapise out of their relationship, and then there was the sexual energy that thrummed between them, and in which they had so often sought solace when words were ineffective. There were dangers lurking in the familiarity they were both allowing themselves to fall into and they were there waiting to wind their way around their bodies and pull them back into the behaviours that had destroyed so much in the past. 

“Pop in the tomatoes,” Scott instructed, “and then we can make the bechamel sauce.”

Scott was just taking the lasagne out of the oven when the soft murmur of Ollie’s voice reached them. Tessa picked up her phone, “they are both up,” she informed Scott, “calm time is over.”

“Maybe we can engage them in something a little more sedate this afternoon.”

“Jordan has loads of craft stuff,” Tessa suggested, “we could have a nice calm craft session in the garden.”

“Sounds perfect,” Scott smiled as he headed off towards the play room, “I’ll do the diaper change and get them a drink whilst you set up?”

“Sounds like I get the nice end of the deal!”

“You can be in diaper debt to me.”

“Nice!”

“I’m pretty sure it won’t be,” Scott laughed as he disappeared down the hallway and into the playroom. 

Tessa let out a peal of laughter as she went to collect the craft materials.

“Bessie, juice!” Ollie held his sippy cup aloft as he trotted across the lawn and towards the patio table that Tessa had set up with craft materials, glue, card and colouring crayons. 

“Juice!” Tessa met Ollie’s excitement with her own, “lucky boy,” she smiled wide as she bent down from her chair to pick Ollie up and place him on her lap.

“Did you sleep well, sweetie?” she asked him as she adjusted his hair and dropped a kiss on his forehead.

“Colour,” Ollie noticed the crayons on the table and attempted to mount the table.

“Take a seat,” Tessa placed him on the chair next to her as she spoke. Ollie, eager to get started on some colouring, settled on the chair and allowed Tessa to push him closer to the table. 

Scott joined them at the table with Nate beside him. He placed a plate of carrot sticks onto the table followed by two glasses of lemonade. He helped Nate up onto his chair and slid Tessa’s drink towards her. 

“This looks fun,” Scott surveyed the table as he spoke.

“Shall we make a garden picture?” Tessa asked the boys as she placed a piece of card in front of each of them. 

The boys, eager to follow her instruction, looked up at her with wide eyes. 

“What can we use for grass?” she asked the two toddlers and she pointed towards the materials on the table. 

Ollie grabbed some pink felt pieces and held them up to Tessa. 

“Pink grass,” Tessa nodded, “why not,” she took the lid from the glue and passed it to Ollie, “can you stick the grass on?” she asked him as she demonstrated how to glue a piece of felt and place it on Ollie’s piece of card. Ollie, seeing what he needed to do, reached for the glue in Tessa’s hand. She handed it over carefully and placed another piece of pink felt in front of Ollie. The toddler’s hand came down on the felt in a semi-coordinated manner. He stabbed at the felt and the paper.

“What shall we put on first, Nate?” Scott asked, “what about some sun?” he pointed and ran his fingers through the pieces of felt. 

“Nate grabbed a piece of tissue paper from the box and held it towards Scott.”

“A blue sun,” Scott smiled, “well, if Ollie can have pink grass, I think we can have blue sun.”

“It’s all getting a bit psychedelic,” Tessa shot Scott a conspiratorial smile. 

“If they were any older I would be worried!”

Nate flapped the tissue in Scott’s face as he became inpatient for his dad to apply the glue he needed. Scott uncapped a glue stick and handed it to Nate. 

“Shall we put it at the top?” Scott pointed to the top corner of the piece of card. Nate followed his dad’s suggestion and put the tissue paper in the corner. It ended up in a sticky ball, but Nate seemed pleased with it and clapped at his achievement before looking back to his dad. 

“I think we might need some grass now,” Scott suggested. 

Nate found some pipe cleaners that were, incidentally, green.

“Perfect,” Scott smiled, “pretty long grass, but still.”

Tessa chuckled as Nate attempted to put glue onto the pipe cleaners. 

“This is going to get messy,” she observed. 

“All the best activities require a good bath afterwards,” Scott smiled. 

“True,” Tessa laughed in response, “right, Ollie,” she turned her attention back to her nephew, “maybe some flowers?” 

Ollie grabbed a glitter pen and waved it into the air with glee. 

Scott and Tessa exchanged looks as their prediction about the mess was set in motion. 

An afternoon of crafting turned out to be a great idea as the boys sat creating their pictures. By the end of the session, neither pieces of card resembled a garden, but they had enjoyed themselves and had remained calm and focused. Jordan watched from the back door as Scott and Tessa helped the boys to pack the craft material into the box and put their pictures to dry. 

“Hey,” Tessa smiled at her sister as she spotted her making her way across the lawn. Jordan was pale and protected her eyes from the sun as the adjustment from her darkened bedroom to the afternoon sun hurt her eyes, “how are you feeling,” she pulled a chair out so that her sister could sit down. 

“A bit better,” she answered quietly, “still not great.”

“You look like you should still be in bed,” Tessa ran her hand along her sister’s pajamaed thigh as she spoke. 

“I wanted to see some of the day!”

“Is it bad morning sickness, or something more serious?”

“I’m not sure,” Jordan ran her hand along her brow as she spoke, “I don’t remember feeling anywhere near this bad with Ollie.”

“Why don’t you two go inside,” Scott suggested, “you look like you could do with some water and time away from the sun, Jordan. I’ll get these two cleaned up,” he motioned towards OIlie and Nate. 

Tessa stood and put her hand to Jordan’s elbow in order to encourage her to rise from her chair, “come on,” she said softly, “let’s get you inside.”

Jordan allowed herself to be helped up from her chair, “thanks, Scott,” she shielded her eyes as she looked through the sun towards Scott, “thanks for today. I really appreciate it.”

Scott waved away her words with his hand as he grabbed a packet of wipes and started to clean the glue from the boys’ hands.

Tessa and Jordan headed inside. 

“Did you have lunch?” Jordan asked as she sniffed the air, “it smells lovely!”

“We made dinner,” Tessa informed her as she plumped the cushion on the sofa so that Jordan could sit comfortably, “we thought you’d appreciate not having to cook.”

“You mean Scott made dinner,” Jordan was well enough to be a little cheeky. 

“I helped!”

“That’s very kind of you both,” Jordan raised a hand to her forehead as she spoke as a new wave of nausea ran through her. 

“You really don’t look like you should be out of bed, Jord,” Tessa remarked as she headed towards the kitchen to get Jordan a cold bottle of water. 

Jordan took the water gratefully and sipped at it with care. She sighed as she closed her eyes to block out the pain that was starting to gather at the centre of her forehead. 

“Get comfy,” Tessa soothed as she sat down on the sofa next to Jordan and pulled her sister’s head to her lap, and helped her to lie down. She pulled a throw from the sofa’s back and covered Jordan up before setting her fingers to her sister’s scalp and stroking gently. 

The sound of Scott and the boys grew closer as they moved from the garden and into the lounge. 

“Moma,” Ollie toddled over to where Jordan was lying and settled on the floor in front of her face. 

“Hey, pumpkin,” Jordan barely opened her eyes as she spoke, but stretched her hands to her son’s face and touched his cheeks.

“Mommy’s feeling poorly,” Tessa explained to Ollie.

“Me kiss better,” Ollie was glad to be able to offer his help to his mom as he got up onto his knees and placed a kiss on Jordan’s forehead. 

“Bessie poorly?” Nate asked.

“Jordan’s poorly,” Scott explained, “Ollie’s mommy.”

“Oh dear,” Nate turned his palms upwards as he spoke. 

Without a word, Ollie got to his feet and sped away at a high-speed toddle towards the playroom. They all listened as they heard him dig through the toy box before emerging into the lounge with his doctor’s case in hand. 

Tessa and Scott both chuckled as they saw him drag the case to where Jordan was lying. 

“Me better,” Ollie declared as he set his chubby fingers to work trying to open the case. He finally succeeded and reached inside to pull out the stethoscope. He pushed one side of it into his ear, leaving the other dangling freely, and then held up its round end to Jordan’s face. 

“Are you making me better?” Jordan asked with all the smile she could muster for her little boy. 

“Better?” Ollie asked. 

“Much better,” Jordan smiled without opening her eyes, “thank you sweetie,” she ran her hand through Ollie’s hair as she spoke. 

“Ollie,” Scott diverted the young boy’s attention as he could see that Jordan really needed to rest, “can you come and make my hand better?” he held his right hand in the air, “I hurt it yesterday.”

Ollie, glad to be of assistance, dragged the doctor’s case over to where Nate and Scott were sitting on the floor. He pulled a thermometer from the case and held it to Scott’s finger. 

“Better?”

“Much better, thank you, Doctor!” Scott smiled, “can you look at Nate’s belly now?”

Nate, eager to be a part of the game, slid down to a lying position and lifted up his t-shirt to expose his round soft belly. Ollie delved into the case and pulled out a syringe. He positioned it above Nate’s belly button. Nate squirmed about in order to see what was happening as Ollie gently pushed the syringe into his belly button. 

“Better?”

“Leg,” Nate held his leg up before allowing it to flop to the floor. Ollie crawled towards it and took a plaster from his case. He lay it over Nate’s leg. 

“Do you want to be the patient, Ollie?” Scott asked. 

Ollie nodded as he lay on the floor and held his arm up. 

“Are you going to make him better, Nate?” Scott encouraged. 

Nate got to his feet and took the syringe from the case before pressing it to Ollie’s head. 

“Your son is getting an injection in his head, Jord,” Scott informed her. 

Jordan laughed softly. Even with her eyes closed she could tell that the boys were having fun, and were certain to look cute whilst doing so. 

“Are you two playing doctors?” Scott asked the boys as they continued to administer various treatments to each other. 

“Or nurses,” Tessa was quick to tease, “let’s have a bit of gender equality.”

“Ok,” Scott smiled back, “doctors and nurses!”

“Or nurses and nurses!” Tessa responded with raised eyebrows. 

“No, that’s just you, Tess,” Jordan squeezed her sister’s knee as she dropped the quip with a devastatingly dry tone. 

Tessa blushed profusely at Jordan’s words. 

“Nurses in a hot tub, isn’t it?” Jordan pushed, “you could totally sell tickets!”

“I thought you had a headache!” Tessa recovered enough from her embarrassment to tease her sister in return. 

Scott, finding Jordan’s joke funny, but not wanting to add to Tessa’s embarrassment, kept his face down and his attention on the boys. 

“You know I am only teasing,” Jordan reminded Tessa, “you know how much I like Ava.”

“I know,” Tessa’s tone told her sister that there was nothing for her to apologise for and that it had all been taken in good humour. 

They sat for a few minutes and watched the boys play. Scott moved away from them slightly in order to allow them to play alone. There was a perfection in the moment that both he and Tessa felt as they watched the boys play and gave into the domesticity of the scene. 

“I think I am going to go back to bed,” Jordan said as she sat up.

“Go up and get some more rest,” Scott encouraged, “Tess and I will sort the dinner and let you know when it is ready. You should try to eat something.”

Jordan nodded at Scott’s words - eating was the last thing on her mind, but she knew that he was right. She padded across the room and up the stairs. 

Tessa pulled her phone from her pocket and excused herself to make a call. She found a spot in the garden and navigated to Ava’s number. Jordan’s need of her was greater than Ava’s and she felt sure that Ava would understand the situation. It was only one dinner date. She took a steadying breath before initiating the call and putting the phone to her ear. It took a few rings before Ava answered. 

“Hello!” Ava’s voice was light and spritely. 

“Hey,” Tessa replied. 

“Are you still at Jordan’s?”

“Yeah.”

“Having a good time?”

“Sort of.”

“Oh?”

“Actually, Jordan’s really not well.”

“Oh no,” Ava’s voice took on a sudden serious tone.

“She’s ok,” Tessa was quick to inform Ava, “she’s just got a headache, sickness.”

“Sounds rotten.”

“Yeah. She has been in bed for most of the day.”

“Poor woman!”

“I’m really sorry but I just feel I need to stay here with her this evening. Ted is working away and Oll-”

“Of course,” Ava interrupted, “of course,” she repeated, “we can get dinner another time. Jordan needs someone there with her tonight. Looking after a toddler is tough at the best of times, let alone whilst feeling ill!”

“Thanks. I’m really sorry about dinner.”

“We can have dinner any time,” Ava’s voice smiled as she spoke.

“Maybe tomorrow?”

“I can’t tomorrow,” Ava said apologetically, “but after the weekend?”

“Ok,” Tessa nodded, “sounds good.”

“Ok, great. I have to get back to work,” Ava informed Tessa, “but give Jordan my love.”

“Will do.”

“Speak later.”

“Speak later.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

The line went dead and the phone suddenly felt heavy in Tessa’s hand. She felt a sense of shame prickle her skin. She stopped for a moment to consider its roots. The fact Scott was there just hadn’t come up, she reasoned. The phone call had been brief and an opportunity to go into greater detail hadn’t presented itself. She would tell Ava the whole story when they saw each other. It wasn’t a vital detail anyway. She packed away her feelings of guilt so that she couldn’t feel them and headed back inside. 

As she stepped out of the sunlight and back into the lounge, she heard the notes of soft and calm instrumental music. The doctor’s case lay on the floor where the boys had been playing with it. She followed the sound through the lounge and into the den. She found the boys lying together on the corner sofa looking very relaxed. Scott was sat on the other side of the room on one of the large floor cushions. 

“How did you do that?” Tessa whispered as she sat down on a floor pillow across from him. 

“This music is magic,” Scott replied with a smile. 

“It really is!”

“My mom read about it in a magazine,” Scott explained, “it has beats at a relaxing frequency or something. I tried it with Nate and it just calms him straight away.”

“It’s good,” Tessa started to feel calm herself, “I like it.”

All four of them spent time relaxing with the music, each in their own little world of calm. It was nice to just let the music fill the room and the space where thoughts would usually whir and whizz. Both Tessa and Scott felt a sense of freedom as their minds stopped working and allowed them to simply enjoy the moment. 

“I’ll go warm the oven,” half an hour later Scott was the one to break the silence as he got to his feet and headed towards the kitchen. 

Tessa left her cushion and joined the boys on the sofa. They both moved a little nearer to her and settled against her thighs. 

“Are you two ready to wash up for dinner?” she asked softly. 

Nate put his hands in the air as if to show that he understood what he needed to do. Ollie looked up at Tessa with his big brown eyes. 

“Shall we wash our hands?” she asked again. 

Both boys made a move to get down from the sofa, their limbs were soft and fluid with their relaxed state. The three made their way to the bathroom. 

In the kitchen, Scott pulled some plates from the cupboard and filled a jug with water and slices of fresh lemon. He carried them out to the dining table and set the table. Luckily, Jordan kept a spare high chair for use during play dates, so both of the boys had a place at the table. He positioned the high chairs on opposite sides of the table so that Tessa and he had a boy each to supervise during dinner. He set a place for Jordan at the end of the table and away from the highchairs - he really wanted to make sure that she was able to take things easy, and feeding toddlers did not fit into the ‘taking things easy’ category. 

“Two clean-ish boys,” Tessa and the boys emerged into the dining room. 

“Dins,” Ollie tried to mount his high chair in anticipation of the dinner he was about to be served. Tessa picked him up and put him safely into the chair. 

“Your cooking is causing excitement!” Tessa informed Scott. 

“Our cooking!”

“Oh yes,” Tessa chuckled, “our cooking.”

Scott finished laying the table whilst Tessa put Nate in his high chair and went to tell Jordan that dinner was ready. Jordan appeared, tired and red eyed, but determined to try to eat a little food in order to satisfy her empty stomach. Tessa poured water into Jordan’s glass as Scott placed the plates of hot lasagne at the adults’ places at the table. Tessa added water to her own glass and then to Scott’s before realising that the boys didn’t have their sippy cups. 

“Where are your cups?” she said to the boys in a song-sing voice. They paid her very little attention as Scott was arranging their food onto their trays. 

“And some tepid lasagne for you sir,” Scott did his best waiter impression as he placed bowls in front of Nate and Ollie. 

“Bibs,” Tessa observed as she looked at the boys about to delve into the messy lasagne. 

“Oh, of course,” Scott looked at the boys and realised he’d forgotten to put their bibs on.

“I’ll grab some bibs,” Tessa said as Scott took the bowls off the trays again, “can you grab their cups?”

“Sure.”

Tessa left the room to grab two of Ollie’s bibs. She returned a few moments later and put a bib around each boy’s neck. 

“That’s better,” she bopped Nate on the nose as she finished speaking.

“And,” Scott returned to the table, “drinks,” he placed the sippy cups, already filled with water on the boys’ trays, “and now,” he reached over and picked up the two bowls of lasagne, “you can have these back,” he smiled as he placed the bowls in front of the boys. 

Ollie and Nate lost no time digging into their food and were soon eating from little plastic spoons shoved sideways into their mouths. 

“Bread, Jord?” Tessa asked as she passed her sister a slice of crusty bread, “might be good to eat something stodgy.”

“I’ll give it a go,” Jordan smiled as she took a piece. 

Ollie reached out his hand as soon he saw that there was bread on offer. 

“Ok,” Tessa smiled as she took her seat next to his high chair, “some bread for Ollie, too,” she smiled as she passed a piece of bread into Ollie’s fingers. 

“Me red?” Nate asked with his hand out. 

“Is there a magic word, bud?” Scott smiled at Nate as he took his seat next to his son and opposite Tessa. 

“Pease!” Nate added. 

“Good boy,” Tessa encouraged him as she passed him the bread, “very polite.”

Tessa reached across the table and placed a piece of bread on Scott’s side plate without asking. 

“Thanks,” his eyes moved from Nate for a moment to acknowledge the bread she had given to him. 

Jordan, sat at the head of the table, leant back and watched the scene playing out in front of her. It was the perfect family scene that couples tried to perfect in every dining room across the country; children, fingers in their food, sitting one at each parent’s side as they’re fed words of love and encouragement. If someone were to look through into their world they could be forgiven for thinking that Jordan was a guest at her own table. 

***

With dinner over and the washing up done, Scott and Nate stood at the door ready to leave. 

“Thanks for today,” Tessa smiled up at Scott as she zipped up Nate’s jacket and took him into her arms for a hug, “and thanks for being such a good boy and good fun to play with,” she dropped a kiss on Nate’s head as she spoke. 

“I had a good day,” Scott’s smile was wide as he reached down to pick Nate up and place him on his hip. 

“Me too,” Tessa smiled as she straightened the bottom of Nate’s coat where it had caught on Scott’s arm. 

Scott was the one to move as he put out his free arm and pulled Tessa into a hug, “call me tomorrow?” he asked into her shoulder, “let me know if she’s not any better, and I will come over,” he said as he pulled out of the hug. 

“Sure,” Tessa smiled, “I’ll call you tomorrow,” she assured him. 

“Night, Tess.”

“Night, Scott. And night to you cute boy.”

She watched the taxi pull out of the driveway and set off towards the kids’ club parking lot and Scott’s car. Once they were gone she pushed the door shut and heard it latch. The house felt suddenly empty and she felt a sense of loss. She turned off the hallway light as she made her way back towards the dining room. 

“I’m going to stay here tonight,” Tessa informed Jordan as she entered the lounge and settled on the sofa, “I can bath Ollie and put him to bed.”

“Thanks, Tess,” Jordan smiled, “I really appreciate all the help you have given me today. You and Scott.”

“Of course,” Tessa shrugged off the thanks. 

Tessa knelt on the floor and joined Ollie in a few minutes of shape sorting before his bath. 

Jordan curled beneath her blanket and watched her son and her sister. 

“Tess,” her voice was soft and tentative. 

“Mm?” she didn’t look up from the shape sorter. 

“You and Scott,” Jordan started, her mind fuzzy from the pain in her head, “you’re a lot closer than-”

“We’re friends,” Tessa answered before Jordan’s comment could go any further. 

“I know, but,” Jordan tried to be careful as she spoke, “you were pretty comfortable with each other today.”

“We’ve worked together in much tougher situations, Jord,” still not looking up from the shape sorter, “a pair of toddlers is one of the least stressful challenges we’ve faced together.”

Jordan took a silent breath as she realised that she was not going to get any further in the conversation, “I know,” she said softly, “just, Tess-”

“What Jord?” she looked up this time and met Jordan’s eyes. 

“Tess, please, just be careful.”

“Jord!” she turned her attention back to the wooden shapes in her hand, “we’re fine,” she insisted, “we’re friends and it’s nothing like it was before,” she assured her sister, “that’s all in the past.”


	44. Chapter Forty Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the hands just keep on ticking backwards.

Nate woke with a start as the plane’s wheels touched down on the tarmac. Scott looked over the partition between their two pods and watched as his son looked around and got his bearings. 

“Hello, sleepy!” Scott’s voice was soft as it met Nate’s eyes. 

“Mommy?” Nate asked sleepily. 

“Soon,” Scott responded, “we’re in New York now, so not long.”

Nate looked around for his drink. 

“It got cleared away, bud,” Scott told him, “we can get one in the airport.”

Nate, content with the answer his dad had given, looked out of the window as the plane taxied to its stand. Once the seat belt light was out, Scott got to his feet and reached up into the overhead locker for their bags. A flight attendant passed through the cabin and spoke kindly to Nate, asking him how he’d found the flight. 

“Can you pick up your blanket, Nate?” Scott asked as he pointed to the blue blanket that was lying at Nate’s feet. 

Nate slid down from his seat and retrieved the blanket. 

“Shall I put it in your bag?” Scott asked as he held his hand out. 

Nate handed over the blanket and watched as Scott folded it and placed it into the tiny backpack that Nate loved being allowed to carry. 

“Hop over here and I’ll help you on with your bag,” Scott held his arms out to lift Nate over the lowered partition and into the cabin’s aisle. 

The First Class portion of the plane had only contained a few passengers - mostly businessmen - and they were all already well on their way to exiting the plane. 

Nate stood with his back to Scott and held his arms up in order for Scott to slip the bag’s straps over them. 

“Ok, you’re good,” Scott told Nate as he secured the bag’s zip, “do you want your hat?” Scott asked. Nate had found a baseball cap in Scott’s bedroom the night before and it had not left his head since- apart from when he was asleep, and only then because Scott had removed it! It was a black cap with a maple leaf on. It was a child’s hat, and Scott couldn’t remember where it had come from, or even if it was his, but none of that mattered to Nate.  
Nate nodded his head and Scott placed the hat securely on his head. Scott shouldered his own bag and held Nate’s weekend bag in his right hand. With a final look around their seats in order to ensure that they had not left anything, Scott put his hand on Nate’s back and encouraged him forward and out of the plane. They transited through a separate and closed passport area which kept them away from the crowds. After passing through the necessary checks, Scott pulled a black baseball cap onto his head and held Nate’s hand. The short walk to the First Class arrivals area brought them into contact with other people, but no one paid them any attention. Before the photo of the cottage, Scott hadn’t given being noticed publically much thought, and although he was always careful to protect Nate, he didn’t go out of his way to remain unseen. However, since the publication of the photo online, he had gone back to being a little more cautious. It wasn’t himself he was worried about - he was used to media attention, and didn’t look at social media anyway. Not to mention that he was hardly a ‘person of interest’ to the general population anymore. However, he did care about Nate’s privacy, and he didn’t want pictures taken of him, especially so soon after the divorce, which they had managed to keep relatively private. 

Jena was waiting for them in the lounge, and Scott couldn’t help but notice the way her face lit up when she saw her son. She rushed forward and pulled Nate, backpack, cap and all, into her arms. 

“Hello, Nate,” she cooed at him as she cuddled him, “I missed you.”

Nate returned her hug, but being somewhat overwhelmed by the whole situation, couldn’t speak in reply. 

“How was the flight?” Jena looked up at Scott. 

“It was fine,” he nodded, “good alternative to the charter,” he told her, “but don’t worry - when it is the two of you flying, I will pay, of course,” he didn’t for a moment want her to think that he was going back on the deal he’d made during the divorce settlement. Although the papers were not yet finalised, all of their suggestions had been agreed by the judge, so it was only a case of ‘signing on the line’ once their solicitor had prepared the official documentation. 

“Ok, let’s keep this hand over as short as possible?” Jena suggested. 

“Absolutely,” Scott agreed, “he’s been looking forward to seeing you,” he smiled in Jena’s direction. 

“Ready to go, Nate?” Jena shouldered her handbag before taking Nate’s weekend bag from Scott. 

“Have a good weekend, bud,” it took all of Scott’s self-control to keep his voice free of emotion and he ruffled Nate’s hair.

“Meet you back here on Sunday morning?” Jena checked that the plans they’d already made were still in place. 

“Sunday morning,” Scott confirmed, “have a good weekend,” he said finally before offering Nate a final wave as he exited the lounge with his mom. They had decided it would be better for Nate to be the one who left, rather than Scott so that he didn’t feel Scott was leaving without him. Jena chatted excitedly to Nate as they walked out. She commented on his bag and his grown up cap. The toddler, engaged in his mother’s words, left without any issue, and Scott watched as the crowd in the terminal swallowed him up.

In an attempt to banish the feeling of loss that was creeping into his chest, Scott busied himself with reaching the airport’s train station. He was offered an escort through the airport, but declined the offer, knowing that blending into the swarms of travellers was the best way of moving undercover. He followed the overhead signs for the station. He weaved in and out of the groups of people who littered the terminal. Picking a swift and uninterrupted path through the airport kept his mind as busy as his feet and took it off the fact that Nate was no longer at his side. He made it to the platform just as a train was arriving. He climbed aboard and found a seat near the window for the short trip across the city where he needed to transfer in order to connect with the train to Philadelphia. He fixed his gaze on the passing life and allowed himself to become immersed in it, keeping his thoughts from flowing until the train’s announcer informed him that he had reached his stop. After a short, but busy transit through the station, he soon found himself settled into the cabin of the train to Philadelphia. He was powerless to stop his mind resting on the thoughts he had been running from. He knew Nate was safe - more than safe - but being apart from him felt different to it had in the past. Nate was somewhere unknown. Somewhere Scott couldn’t picture. He couldn’t walk through the house in his mind and picture Nate playing, smiling, laughing. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. He scrolled to Jena’s number and prepared to send her a text. His thumb hovered over the keyboard for a moment as he thought about what he was about to do. He took a deep breath and closed the message. There was no need for him to text her. She was capable, and the situation was new for her, too. He needed to give her the space she needed to navigate the newness she was in with Nate. The way that his thoughts tugged at his heart and disrupted its beat made him crave human contact. He needed someone to tell him that everything was ok. He needed someone to reassure him and to tell him that they understood - he needed support and empathy. He opened the messaging app again and clicked on Tessa’s name. 

_Scott: Hey. Just on the train. Are you through the airport? _

Her reply came within a second.

_ Tessa: Just waiting for the hire car to be arranged. How was your flight? _

_ Scott: Fine. Empty. Nate enjoyed watching cartoons and then fell asleep - as usual. _

There was a longer wait as the app told him that she was typing. He knew that she would be looking for the right way to ask him about the ‘handover’. He could have helped her out and brought it up himself, but there was something in him that needed to be asked - by her. 

_ Tessa: Cartoons - a rare treat! How was he once you met with Jena? _

The first version of her message had asked how Scott was, but she quickly decided that asking about Nate was the safer choice. 

_ Scott: He was pleased to see her. We didn’t make too much of the parting. I left, as we’d planned. He waved goodbye and seemed ok. Weird situation, though. _

The final sentence told her that he was reaching out to her and she couldn’t help herself but reach back. 

_ Tessa: I’m glad that he took it well. Stranger for you than for him, I should think. How are you? _

Scott stared out of the window as he tried to put his feelings into words. A lump formed at the back of his throat and he bit at his lip to stop it turning into tears. 

_ Scott: I just feel like I’ve lost something. I know I haven’t. I know he’s safe and happy. But I just feel like something is missing. _

The car hire’s assistant came into the lounge in search of Tessa. She didn’t want to leave Scott’s text unanswered, so typed a quick reply. 

_ Tessa: I think that’s to be expected, Scott. It’s such a new situation, and your fatherly instinct is to protect him. Got to get the car. Let’s talk properly tonight?_

She slipped her phone into her bag and followed the assistant out to the car park. After assuring the staff, for the hundredth time, that she definitely wanted a hire car and not a chauffeur driven one, she pulled out of the airport’s underground car park and into the daylight and started the arduous journey downtown. 

***

Scott’s legs welcomed the walk along the platform that greeted him as he exited the train and made his way towards the exit. A flight followed by two train rides was not what the doctor ordered for legs that had endured twenty years of athletic competition. He felt the muscles stretch out as he reached the concourse. He found Tessa waiting in the short stay section of the car park and threw his bag into the car’s trunk before slipping in beside her.

“Hey,” Tessa greeted him. 

As he responded he realised just how illuminating her smile was, and was straight away confused about why he felt like he was remembering something that he had always known. 

“You ok?” she’d detected something flat in his voice as he’d greeted her. 

“Sure,” he smiled back, making sure to make his voice more jovial as to not give away the truth of the moment - that he had been taken aback by her beauty and his own forgetfulness. His mind swam with a confusion that he had no time to address.

“You need any coffee?” Tessa asked as she pulled out into the line of traffic. 

“No,” he smiled over at her. Her fingers held the steering wheel with a delicacy that sent a shiver through him. He looked ahead, and squeezed his eyes against the misshapen thoughts that were trying to pierce his reality, “I need a cold beer at the hotel!”

“The hard stuff!” she glanced over at him for a second before turning her attention back to the road. 

“The hard stuff comes later!”

He looked out of the window in order to avoid having to face the awkwardness his comment filled the car with. He winced as he wished he could reel the words back into his mouth. 

“A night away and the man loses all control!” Tessa’s response told him that the feeling of awkwardness was his alone. Her tone was light and she sat with an air of perfect ease. To him, it felt like sitting next to summer. She was beautiful and peaceful and full of grace. He swallowed hard and told himself that his emotions were bound to be a whirlwind. 

“How are you feeling now?” Tessa’s question was soft and invited confidence without demanding it. 

“Ok,” Scott smiled in response, “I think the first time was always going to be strange for us all.”

“Are you going to contact him over the weekend?”

“We decided it would be best not to,” Scott answered, “unless he asks.”

Tessa nodded as she took in what he had said. 

“But if he doesn’t,” she said gently, “it doesn’t mean anything,” she looked at him, “you know that, right? He’s two!”

“I know,” Scott’s response and nodding was swift and told her that he needed the opportunity to reassure himself of the fact two year old boys don’t understand the concept of contacting someone who isn’t with them. 

Tessa waited for him to go back to looking at the road before stealing a sideways glance at him. She could see from the half smile that was playing his lips that his thoughts were eddying like portants of a storm. She turned the car into the hotel parking lot where they were met by the concierge. He made to open the car door and take the keys from Tessa. 

“Er…, actually...I…,” she stuttered as she kept her hands on the steering wheel. 

There was a moment of confusion and unease as the concierge looked offended and unsure.

“I’ll come in with you and check in,” Scott, picking up Tessa’s reluctance and acting on a dusty auto-pilot, jumped from the car and headed towards the young man. 

The man, taken aback as he was relieved of his usual car parking duties, did his best not to react with anything less than the high level of decorum that the boutique hotel expected of him. 

“If you show me the way, I will come back to the car and get the bags,” Scott smiled. 

“I can get the bags,” the concierge was eager to please. 

“Great,” Scott smiled as the concierge led him through the corridor and presented him at the check in desk. 

Scott did a quick survey of the foyer. As the website had promoted, it was small and exclusive. There wasn’t any sight or sound of another soul other than the receptionist. Still, he would wait until he had checked them both in before texting Tessa and giving the concierge the nod to collect the bags. 

“Good evening,” the friendly receptionist greeted him as she reached beneath the desk to open a fridge. She unstopped a bottle of champagne and poured some into a glass before handing it to Scott, “welcome to Oliver’s.”

“Thanks,” Scott took the glass from her and felt its coolness against his fingers as he tipped it to his mouth to take a sip. 

“Let’s get you checked in,” the receptionist turned to the laptop that stood on the desk in front of her.

“I want to check myself in,” Scott informed her as he sipped at the champagne, “and my friend.”

“No problem, sir,” the receptionist tapped at the computer, “and the name your room is booked in?”

“Moir,” Scott replied. He saw the unmistakable twitch of her eyebrow as she recognised his name. She didn’t say anything, and he became aware of the possibility of Tessa having sent NDAs ahead of them. There had always been someone to do that for them in the past, but he hadn’t needed the use of one for years. 

“Your room is room four,” she smiled as she handed the key over, “will you need two keys?”

“No,” Scott answered, “just the one, thanks.”

“Oh,” there was a moment in which she almost faltered, “of course,” she passed the key across the desk, “and you wanted to check in a friend?”

“Yes,” Scott slid his key card into the back pocket of his jeans, “the second guest is Virtue,” he told her. He looked closely at her face as she turned back to the laptop screen. This time there was no sign of any facial movement or any recognition. He wondered whether he had just imagined her reaction to his own name. After all, he was hardly the most famous of the two of them - Tessa was far more memorable than him. 

“And will you be taking this card?”

“Yes,” Scott took the card as she passed it across the desk to him, “but Miss Virtue will be along in a moment if you need her for the check in?” 

“No, that’s fine,” the receptionist smiled, “so, just a little information about the hotel. We are a very small establishment. There are six rooms here. Yourself and Miss Virtue are in rooms four and five,” she explained, “we don’t have a restaurant because we work in partnership with the city’s best chefs. In your room you will find a menu like this one,” she opened the large black folder that sat on the desk between them, “listed here are all of the restaurants that we work with and their menus. They are all four or five star, as you can see. You can pick food from here and call your concierge to place an order. It will be delivered to the hotel and served to you in the dining area in your room,” she flipped the pages as she spoke, “in the back you will find a list of wines, beers and spirits. These can be ordered via the telephone and brought to your room. Breakfast will be served to you in the dining area of your room in the morning. Doug,” she pointed towards the concierge who had shown Scott to the reception area, “is your private concierge for your stay.”

Doug stepped forward with a smile, “I am here to make sure that your stay is perfect,” he told Scott, “if there is anything you need, any time of the day or night, please just let me know. I will show you how to contact me when we get to your room.”

“Thanks,” Scott smiled in response to the man’s formality, “if we can get the bags from the car now, that would be great.”

“No problem, sir.”

“Scott, please!”

“No problem, Scott,” Doug grinned. 

Scott took his phone from his pocket and sent Tessa a quick text. 

_ Scott: Coast clear. We’re both checked in. Heading back to you now. _

Tessa met them at the car park’s door with the car’s key and a smile. 

“Hey,” Scott smiled as he saw her. The look of anxiety that had sat on her face when he left to follow Doug into the hotel had been replaced with a calm smile that he was glad to see, “is your stuff just in the trunk, T?” he asked as he watched her give the keys to Doug. 

“Yes,” she replied as he took the key from her, “just the bags in the trunk,” she confirmed. 

“No problem, Miss Virtue,” Doug smiled as he took the key. 

“Oh, it’s Tess!”

“Sorry,” Scott noticed the blush in the young man’s cheeks and he wondered whether it was caused purely by the situation, or the fact that he was only all too aware of who he was stood in front of. Typically, Tessa was oblivious to his blushing and attention. 

“I’ll bring your bags to your room,” Doug said, “your rooms,” his stuttering and hyper correction was enough to tell Scott that he definitely knew exactly who they were. 

“Thanks,” Tessa smiled as she and Scott turned back towards the door and went into the hotel. 

“Your room key,” Scott passed the key to her, “there’s no one else in the lobby,” he assured her, “and from the reaction of both the receptionist and poor old Doug, I am guessing you may have sent some paperwork ahead of us,” he fixed his raised eyebrows on her. 

“Sorry,” she met his eyes, “I didn’t mean to keep-”

“It’s fine, Tess,” he assured her with a smile, “more than fine,” he assured her, “in fact, I am glad you did.”

“It’s just after the photo, you know, I-”

“I get it,” he opened the door to the foyer and they passed through undisturbed, “I am grateful, in fact.”

“Ok,” the easy smile returned to her face as they entered the elevator, “that’s good.” 

“You’re right,” Scott pressed the button to take them to the floor above, “we need to be a little more careful after the photo.”

They exited the elevator and found themselves in a long and narrow hallway that housed the hotel’s six rooms. Checking into the hotel had been like a visit to the past. They had so easily and automatically fell into the routine that they had both perfected over the years. He always checked them in, gave her the signal, and then met her in one of the two rooms they always booked in order to keep up the pretence that they were sleeping in separate rooms. As they stood in the corridor, they felt the clunky transition between the past and the present fall upon them. Once they would have exchanged keys before going to settle into their own rooms. Then, that turned into simply letting themselves into one of the rooms they’d booked and leaving the other unoccupied. 

“Is there somewhere to eat here?” Tessa asked in order to chase away the undeniable tension that was starting to gather like a cloud around them. 

“Not here,” Scott informed her, “but there’s a pretty impressive menu from local restaurants, and they will order in for you and bring it up.”

“Ok,” Tessa nodded, “and drinks?”

“Same deal.”

“Do you want to eat together?” her question was tentative, “if you want time alone, I understand.”

“No,” Scott was quick to answer, “I mean, yes,” he laughed, “eat with me?” vulnerability cracked his voice as he spoke, “please?”

“I’d love to,” her soft smile dispelled the gathering clouds and told him that she knew he needed a friend and that he didn’t need to look any further than her - that she was there to eat with him and to listen to him and to understand him for as long as he needed. 

“Great,” Scott felt the air shift. 

“I’ll come to you in twenty minutes?”

“Perfect,” Scott replied as he turned towards his door. 

Tessa entered her room and made a beeline for the bottles of cold water that were sat in the fridge in the room’s dining area. As was typical after flying, she’d felt a thirst for most of the day. She unscrewed the lid and took a long swing from the bottle, grateful for the cold water as it made its way down her throat.  
The room she was stood in was impressive. It was open plan, but big enough to give each function its own area. The dining area in which she was sitting was akin to that you would find in an exclusive restaurant, and it was almost strange to stand there without the attention of a waiter. There was a table for two with a tablecloth, candles and flowers. On the sideboard that ran around the back of the dining area there were coffee and tea making facilities and a basket loaded with fresh fruit. Beneath the counter was a fridge with bottles of water and juice and plenty of space for storing leftovers. In the centre of the room, and at a good distance from the dining area, was a king size bed stuffed with oversized pillows. It’s wooden frame was substantial and was adorned with intricate carvings. There was a large TV set into the all at its foot and wooden bedside tables at each side of its head. To the right of the bed a large window and balcony threw light into the room. Behind the bed, on the other side of the room from which she was standing, was a seating area with a comfortable sofa and coffee table. She noticed a bookcase that held a myriad of books. Beyond the seating area was a door that led into a bathroom with double walk-in shower and whirlpool bath. The entire room spoke of luxury and simplicity at the same time, and she was very pleased with her choice.  
After touring the room, sipping the rest of the bottle of water as she walked, Tessa realised that without her bag, which was yet to be delivered to her room, there was very little for her to do, and so she left for Scott’s room. 

Once in front of his door, she lifted her hand to knock, and then realised that the door, which was wedged at the bottom with a shoe, was already ajar. She smiled to herself - their habit of swapping keys had developed for good reason! She pushed open the door and picked the shoe up as she entered. As she expected, Scott was not in the room, but the sound of the shower could be heard in the background. She looked around and saw that the room was identical to hers in both layout and furnishings. She walked past the bed and towards the seating area where she perused the bookcase before settling on the sofa with a book about the local area. She hadn't sat down for long when she heard a knock at the door. 

“Your bags,” Doug had a film of sweat on his brow. 

“Thanks,” Tessa opened the door wide in order to let him in with their bags. 

“I’m sorry they took so long,” he panted as he placed the bags on the luggage rack at the end of the bed, “there was a problem in the car park,” he explained. 

“It’s fine,” Tessa smiled at him as he straightened up, “shall I put your bag in your room?” he asked as she held Tessa’s holdall at his side. 

“You can leave it here,” Tessa smiled, “that’s fine.”

Doug tried to keep a neutral expression as he placed the bag next to Scott’s. 

“Ok,” Doug smiled up at her, “if there’s anything else you need, then, please just call me on this number,” he passed Tessa a card with his number on, “when you’re ready to eat,” he elaborated, “just call me with your order and I will arrange everything for you.”

“That’s great, Doug,” Tessa smiled, “thank you.”

Tessa had just finished shutting the door behind Doug when Scott emerged in a plume of steam and with a towel wrapped tightly around his waist. 

“Ah, I have clothes,” he smiled as he slicked his wet hair back and made his way to his bag. 

“Doug just dropped them off,” Tessa explained before unzipping hers to find her sweater. 

Scott stood next to her and she felt the moisture evaporating from his skin. She couldn’t help but notice the droplets of water that clung to his taut stomach as they threatened to roll across his skin and towards the towel at his waist. She took her jumper and made across the room, needing, although not sure why (or at least not wanting to acknowledge why), to put some distance between them. 

“That’s so much better,” Scott pulled a t-shirt over his still damp body. 

Tessa resisted the urge to roll her eyes- he never dried himself properly! She’d lost count of the number of times she’d chastised him for getting into bed with damp skin and making the sheets wet. 

He lifted a leg and slipped his foot into the leg of a pair of boxers before pulling them up his legs and beneath the towel. He adjusted them before removing the towel and reaching into his bag for a pair of joggers. 

“Have you looked at the menu, T?”

Tessa was on the other side of the room with her back to him and she looked through the books, again. 

“No,” she replied without turning around. 

“It’s pretty extensive,” Scott’s voice was close behind her as he settled onto the sofa with the menus in his hand, “what do you fancy?”

Tessa turned her attention away from the bookcase and took a seat in an armchair across from Scott. 

“There’s curry, pizza, pasta, sushi,” Scott flicked through the pages as he spoke, “noodles, rice, vegetable dishes.”

“Noodles sound good,” Tessa smiled. 

Scott flicked to the page with the noodles on, “chicken?”

“Have they got any prawns?”

“Yehp,” Scott nodded, “sauce?”

“Satay?”

“Yehp.”

“Perfect.”

“Think I’ll go for the same, actually,” Scott nodded, “great choice, T.”

“What are the drink options?”

Scott flicked to the back of the menu, “wine? Beer?”

“Wine.”

“Agreed.”

“Red?”

“Always,” Scott smiled, “shall I make the order?”

Tessa reached into the pocket of her jeans and pulled out the card that Doug had given to her, “just need to give Doug a call,” she passed the card to Scott. 

“Doug is the man!” Scott took the card from her and flicked its corner as he spoke. 

“I’m going to grab a shower,” Tessa announced as she collected her bag and headed into the bathroom. 

“Sure,” Scott looked up from his phone long enough to smile in her direction as she passed him, but quickly turned his attention back to typing Doug’s number. 

A shower turned into a bath and Tessa was jolted out of her doze when Scott rapped lightly on the door. 

“Food, T,” he said softly through the door. 

Tessa’s eyes opened suddenly and she felt the tepid bath water wash over her as her body moved. 

“I know you’ve fallen asleep in the bath,” Scott’s words were followed by a low chuckle. 

Tessa, unable to respond, rubbed at her eyes and pushed herself up to standing. She grabbed the warm towel from the rail and dried the water from her body before pulling on the shorts and vest that she had already taken out of her bag and placed on the bathroom counter. She pushed her dirty clothes into her bag and carried back to the end of the bed. 

“Smells amazing!” she said without looking in the direction of the dining area. Once she turned around, she saw that Doug was standing, silver tray in hand, ready to serve their meal. 

“Oh,” Tessa clearly hadn’t been expecting the formality of table service, and suddenly felt somewhat underdressed and exposed standing in her tight mini shorts, “Doug,” she managed. She caught the grin that danced across Scott’s lips as he played audience to her little show. His sweat pants were hardly fine dining attire, she thought to herself. They did cover the flesh of his legs, though!

Scott watched the pinking of Doug’s cheeks and felt sorry for the young man. He knew what it was like to be in the (totally oblivious) clutches of Tessa Virtue. 

“Doug,” Scott smiled as he stood from his place at the table to touch the man’s arm, “we really don’t need to be waited on,” Scott was kind with his words as he didn’t want the young man to think that they were ungrateful, “honestly,” Scott added as she saw Doug start to protest, “we can serve ourselves,” he reached out and took the tray from Doug’s hands and placed it onto the table, “you have a night off, mate,” he clapped Doug on the shoulder. 

“But-” Doug was clearly not used to the hotel’s guests being so laid back and undemanding. 

“Really,” Scott smiled in order to reassure him, “we’ll give you a call if we need anything.”

Doug looked from Scott to Tessa again. 

“It really is fine,” Tessa flashed him a wide smile, “we’re just going to eat and crash, anyway.”

Scott noticed the colour of Doug’s cheeks grow even darker - he really needed to talk to Tess again about the position she unwittingly put men in at times. Clearly the young concierge now thought that they were planning on spending the night in the same room. 

“Ok, ok,” Doug’s earlier reservations were soon gone and he was tripping over himself to leave the room. 

And he also clearly thought they were trying to get rid of him for reasons other than the fact they wanted to eat like slobs whilst dressed in the most casual clothes they could find. Scott wished him good night as he saw him to the door. 

“Well that wasn’t awkward,” Tessa’s sarcasm danced across the room. 

“You really need to be aware of the effect you have on men, T!”

“What?” Tessa stopped mid pour. 

“He’s a young guy, you’re a hot woman walking around a hotel room in a pair of mini shorts!”

“Pff,” Tessa blew air through her teeth and turned her attention back to filling their glasses with red wine, “I’m probably old enough to be his mom!”

“No you’re not!”

“Well, close enough.”

“I really don’t think he was thinking about your age!”

Tessa passed him a glass of wine and they both took a sip at the same time. 

“Nice,” Scott nodded as he took the glass from his lips. 

“Good pick,” Tessa agreed. 

They sat down at the table. The candle that Doug had lit started to flicker in the dying light of the day. It wasn’t dark enough to warrant turning the lights on, but the daylight was quickly burning away and the candle stood ready to provide light for the diners once the sunlight was fully extinguished. 

“Smells amazing,” Tessa smiled as Scott took the plates from the tray and set them at the table. Neither of them wasted any time tucking into the noodles and proclaiming that the taste met the expectation set by the aroma. 

They began to eat in a quiet comfort. 

“Ava didn’t fancy another weekend with your friends, then?” Scott smiled as he swallowed a mouthful of noodles before taking a sip of wine. 

“She’s away,” Tessa replied, “she’s on a silent retreat.”

“Oh,” Scott placed his glass back on the table, “is that a religious sort of thing?”

“Spiritual,” Tessa twirled noodles around her fork as she answered, “she’s very spiritual,” she added, “she thinks a lot, lives in the moment.”

“That must be really interesting.”

“Yeah, it is,” Tessa agreed, “she’s very wise and very understanding.”

“She seems really balanced,” Scott raised his fork to his mouth.

“She really is,” Tessa nodded, “she never overreacts and she’s always willing to listen. It has been really healthy for our relationship, and for me.”

“It must mean you can talk to her about anything.”

“She is really easy to talk to.”

“You know she’s not going to explode at the smallest thing.”

“I don’t think I have ever seen her get angry,” Tessa took a bite of a sugar snap pea as she spoke, “when she becomes overwhelmed by feelings and emotions she just takes some time out on her own.”

“Gosh,” Scott smiled and raised his eyebrows as he spoke, “that is healthy! A lot better than gnawing someone’s head off over a photograph they didn’t even know was being taken!”

Tessa grinned with relief as she heard Scott make light of Jena’s reaction to the photograph. She felt that it was a good sign that he was starting to shed the stress of their break up. 

“No,” Tessa drank from her glass. The thick red liquid rolled down her throat and set pins across the surface of her skin as the alcohol circulated. She felt a lightness fall upon her, “she was amazing about the photograph actually.”

“Oh?” Scott’s words were of encouragement to explanation, not surprise. 

“Yeah,” Tessa replied, “she allowed me to explain and then took a walk to work out how she was feeling.”

“Sounds very healthy.”

“It’s not how I would have reacted.”

“I don’t think it is how many people would have reacted,” Scott commented, “but it’s about trust more than anything else. We weren’t doing anything wrong, and Ava obviously trusts enough in you and your relationship to know that.”

Tessa took a drink of wine as she drank down Scott’s words. Ava did trust her, and it was because of that trust and strength that she was sitting with her friend having dinner.

“She thinks us being friends is important, and I agree with her.”

“So do I,” Scott smiled.

They both turned their attention to their food. Tessa’s mind, in its selective way, chose not to travel to the end of the conversation she’d had Ava. It chose not to fall upon the fact that Ava had asked her if she loved Scott, and told her that she needed to be truthful with herself. Her mind was enacting a willful moment of self-preservation, for dwelling, even for a moment, on the idea of loving Scott would bring about a shift in the sands of her being that she could not hope to survive. The knowledge, even partly revealed, would result in a landslide that would cover every inch of her skin and pull ever deeper beneath the heavy sand of truth. 

“How are you feeling about Nate, now?” Tessa restarted the conversation.

“I’ve actually felt a bit better as the day has gone on,” Scott informed her, “I think, strangely, because I haven’t heard from him or Jena.”

“No news is good news.”

“And also, just that without hearing his voice I am less connected, and the less connected I am the more I feel my freedom and start to enjoy it.”

“Perhaps not hearing from Jena has assured you that he is safe and well, and that has allowed you to relax and enjoy the fact that you actually have a child free weekend on your hands!”

“In a luxury hotel with good food, good wine and good company,” Scott flashed her a cheeky smile across the table. 

“Charmer,” she rolled her eyes at him before draining her wine glass. She picked up the bottle from the table, “more?”

“Please.”

She refilled their glasses. The dark red liquid clung to the side of the glass before running down into the glass. There was not much more than a glass of wine left in the bottle that she placed back onto the table. 

“How are your therapy sessions going? Tessa asked as she looked across the table, “if you want to talk about it, that is,” she added. 

“Good,” Scott smiled, “I’m going about once a week now and I feel like I really need it. Like I don’t want to miss a session, you know?”

“I know exactly.”

“It’s surprising how someone from outside of your world can be so helpful.”

“I suppose it is all about perspective.”

“And sometimes you wonder afterwards how you failed to see it yourself!”

“That is so true!”

“And then you’ll see something so obvious and you wonder how you could have missed your own feelings.”

“That happened to me a lot when I first started to recover,” Tessa revealed, “it was as if my mind was so set on a particular track and it wasn’t until Gloria questioned me that I became aware of how my mind was driving itself.”

“And then you realise you can take control of it and you don’t have to think in the way that you were.”

“Exactly.”

“I never really felt that when we were in therapy, though,” Scott volunteered, “it was great, and what we needed, but it felt more like we were being taught about ourselves rather than realising it ourselves.”

“I agree,” Tessa nodded, “and I think that’s what we needed at the time. I know I wasn’t in a place then where I knew my own mind enough to be able to recognise what it did.”

“No, I don’t think I was,” Scott agreed, “and I feel like we needed a firmer hand, almost.”

“We were trying to achieve something very specific,” Tessa added, “I don’t know about you, but I know in my therapy now that I don't feel like I am driving towards a goal.”

“No, it’s more about just being well,” Scott agreed, “did it feel like that, though?” he asked, “when you first started seeing Gloria,” he expanded, “when you were ill? Again, you don’t have to answer.”

“Well, to begin with, I didn’t really know why I needed help,” Tessa confessed, “my Mom and Jordan arranged for Gloria to come to the house and see me and I couldn’t really see what had happened to me at that point, so I needed Gloria to instruct me. It was more like our therapy to begin with.”

“But now it’s different?”

“I’m in a much different place now, so I suppose I need something different from it.”

“That makes sense.”

“It must be a pretty interesting job,” Tessa contemplated, “you must hear about a lot of different minds and perspectives.”

“I think it would be quite difficult.”

“Hearing all of the different emotions and awful stories?”

“Yeah, and knowing that there’s a point to which you are powerless to help.”

“People need to be ready to be helped.”

“And to help themselves.”

“Yeah,” Tessa finished her food and placed her fork on her plate, “that was amazing,” she said as she wiped her mouth with her napkin before reaching for her glass of wine. 

“So good,” Scott agreed as he wiped his own mouth. 

Scott’s phone vibrated against the counter. He stood up to fetch it. 

“Jena,” he informed Tessa as he looked at the screen whilst making his way back to the table. He flicked to the message as he sat down, “Nate in bed, exhausted from the park. Ate well at dinner. Enjoy your weekend,” he read aloud. 

“That’s good news,” Tessa smiled. She was happy to see the relaxed smile move across Scott’s face as he digested the text.

“It is,” he smiled up at her. He looked back at his phone and his fingers hovered over the on screen keypad, “do I need to reply?” he asked her. 

“Hmm,” Tessa thought aloud, “you could say thank you for the text, and wish her a good weekend?”

“Good idea,” Scott put his fingers to the screen and typed out the message. 

As he finished typing the message, Tessa emptied the remaining wine into his glass and reached for the second bottle that was on the counter. She removed the protective foil from around the bottle’s neck before turning the corkscrew into the cork. 

“We didn’t get any dessert,” Scott pouted. 

“What were we thinking!”

“Clearly we weren’t!”

“Good job we got three bottles of wine!”

“Well, I ordered two,” Scott explained, “the third is a gift from the hotel.”

“Very kindly received,” Tessa giggled. 

They remained at the table with their glasses. There was a comfortable and satisfying post-meal atmosphere above them, and they both sat sipping at their wine. The daylight had all but died and the candle’s flame flickered and jumped at the walls as it provided them with light. 

“How’s Jordan been this week?” Scott asked. 

“Much better,” Tessa licked a splash of red wine from her finger, “she went to the doctor, and he couldn’t find anything wrong and she hasn’t felt ill since the day you helped out.”

“That’s good news.”

“It is,” Tessa agreed.

“Jena had terrible morning sickness in the early stages of her pregnancy,” Scott offered, “sometimes it lasted all day. It was awful.”

“Jordan had a bit with Ollie, I think, but nothing extreme.”

“It's amazing when you think about it,” Scott sipped his wine and felt the room around him begin to soften at the edges, “that women are able to still do so much even though they are growing another person inside of them!”

“The whole thing is amazing,” Tessa furrowed her brow with wonder as she spoke, “to think that every person came out of another person!”

“You make it sound like some kind of alien encounter!”

“It may as well be,” Tessa giggled and Scott joined her. She put her glass to her lips, and as she placed it back on the table she looked into the thick liquid, “remember how scared we were?” she asked, a tone of nostalgia in her voice, “when we were younger.”

“Oh God,” Scott’s laughter was a mixture of reminiscence and relief, “every time,” he ran his fingers through his hair as he spoke, “I think I may have even started saying a silent prayer afterwards,” he was only half joking as he spoke, “didn’t stop us, though,” he raised his eyebrows across the table at her as he spoke and tipped the glass that was now at his lips. 

“No, it didn’t,” Tessa felt the words pass lips that seemed to be pulled into a permanent smile, “I don’t know if I was more scared of our parents’ disappointment, Marina’s wrath or having a baby to look after!”

“I think it may have been the career destruction, T!”

“Hmm,” she smiled as she took a long drink from her glass, “so,” a glint of mischief shone in her eyes as she spoke, “what would you have picked - no career, or telling our parents we were having sex.”

“Ouch!” Scott flinched as if burnt, “T, that’s a wounder! What a choice,” he puffed out his cheeks as he thought, “nope,” he said definitively, “I’m sorry,” he lifted his hand in resignation as he spoke, “given the choice between a life without gold or a cold hard stare from Kate Virtue, there’s just no competition.”

“She would have killed you.” Tessa said plainly. 

“I know!”

“As would your own mother.”

“I know!” Scott’s voice was filled with fear and relief.

“We were always careful.”

“Other than that time we weren’t,” Scott raised his eyebrows at her. 

“Oh yeah,” Tessa blushed slightly as she remembered the scare they’d suffered, “I don’t know how I could have forgotten about that!”

“The mind erases traumatic memories!”

“Clearly!”

“Imagine how different our lives would be right now if you’d got pregnant.”

“How old were we? Twenties?”

“Just over.”

“I would have had to retire.”

“Well, take time out.”

Tessa shot Scott a look that asked him how many twenty year old figure skaters he saw with a baby in tow.

“Fair enough,” he conceded, “I would have retired with you,” he smiled as he took a mouthful of wine before filling his glass from the fresh bottle. 

“What would we have done for work?”

“We wouldn’t work,” Scott’s voice took on an air of fantasy, “we’d stay at home and spend all day raising our perfect baby.”

“What, our starving baby?”

“We’d grow food.”  
“Would we have a diaper tree as well?”

“It wouldn’t need diapers. Our baby would be diaper free.”

“And poop everywhere?”

“There are plenty of cultures in the world that don’t use diapers, T,” Scott explained, “natural infant hygiene is the way to go.”

“Ok,” Tessa smiled as the wine and the conversation made her giddy, “we’ll have a diaperless, hungry baby and no money.”

“I can think of nothing better!”

They both rested in their own happiness and drank wine from their glasses. The change from past to future tense went unnoticed. 

“How is Nate’s toilet training going?” Tessa asked as she remembered that Alma had been keen to get Nate started. 

“It hasn’t yet,” Scott admitted, “I’ve decided to wait until we move into the new house.”

“That makes sense.”

“Yes, I feel a bit nervous about doing it without my mom there, but she said she’d come round and give me some help and advice.”

“I am sure you will be great, Scott,” Tessa smiled, “you’re such a great dad.”

“You always say that,” Scott shook his head slightly as he spoke. Tessa always said that he was a good dad, but he knew that she never saw him with Nate when he was tired and frustrated and Nate was misbehaving. 

“Because you are,” Tessa’s eyes were soft when they found his, “you’re loving and kind and always there.”

Scott realised then that having a father always around was not something that Tessa had experienced growing up, and her words made more sense. 

“Well, I try to be good, but I am certainly not perfect. I shouted at him the other day for not putting his toys away quickly enough.”

“And he was probably being slow and needed to shove in the right direction!” Tessa’s voice was soft and reassuring, “I’m not a parent, but I am guessing that there is no such thing as perfect parents or perfect children because there is no such thing as perfect people.”

“You’re so wise!”

“I am the fountain of all wisdom!” Tessa joked in a sarcastic way. 

Scott got up from the table and picked up a laminated card from the counter that told him about the room’s entertainment system. 

“Fancy watching a film?” he asked as he turned the pamphlet over in his hands. 

“Sure.”

“Or porn?” his tone was straight and dry as he read from the card. 

“Not in Philly,” Tessa replied, her tone matching his. 

“No porn in Philly,” Scott nodded, “agreed.”

It was a silly, drunken conversation that was meant as nothing more than a joke, but the tone of it and the ease with which they had both fallen into the other’s rhythms sent them further into comfort and into a relationship that they had felt before. 

“Why do they always put the TV in the bedroom in hotels?” Tessa asked as she left the table with her wine glass in one hand and the bottle in the other, “surely you’d put it in the seating area.”

“Because TV in bed is a luxury,” Scott replied as he grabbed the remote from the bedside table and climbed onto the bed, “and hotels are all about luxury.”

Tessa placed her wine glass onto the bedside table and got comfy on the bed. The king size mattress was deep and soft and she felt its comfort immediately. She rested back against the headboard and stretched out her legs. She exhaled in comfort as she felt her body relax. Scott side-eyed her, knowing exactly what was going to happen once he pressed play and started the film. He gave her twenty minutes, max! 

“Any preference?” he asked as he turned the TV on and stretched his legs out. 

“You choose.”

Scott flicked through a few options before landing on a section of old films.

“Oh, Funny Face,” Tessa smiled, “remember watching that on the bus?” she asked. 

“Oh, yeah,” Scott smiled as he thought about the night they had snuggled together as they were driven through the night on the Thank You Canada tour bus, “let’s go for that,” he smiled as he pressed play. 

They both settled back, glasses in hand and eyes already starting to get heavy. Scott shuffled in his spot as he tried to get comfortable. The bed was perfectly soft and the sheets had that hotel-clean finish to them that offered luxury, but he couldn’t seem to get comfortable. His body yearned to be wrapped in the one that sat on the other side of the bed. Its sinews were calling for the past and nights spent curled around Tessa’s limbs as images that flashed from the screen.  
On the other side of the bed, Tessa struggled to feel completely at ease. Something inside of her wouldn’t settle and she felt something she couldn’t identify pull at her mind. She shuffled further into comfort and tried to shake the feeling. Her body stung with absence. 

“You know I would have stood by you,” Scott put his hand to her bare knee and rubbed a small circle around it, “if the test had been positive,” he expanded. 

Tessa met his hand with hers and squeezed it for a moment, “I know,” she said into his eyes. 

They were frozen for a moment. Their eyes seeing home in the eyes they looked into. The honesty stripped away years of pain and self-preservation. It was as if his pledge was for that moment. A promise that told her that no matter what happened, no matter where they moved from that moment onwards, no matter the path they took back to each other, and no matter how complicated it got, that there was always something for them both to fall back to. There was a safety and a protection that existed in the other’s arms that was never depleted and never in question. It was the promise of a solid ground and it was a promise that would form the foundation of a love that they would both come to feel blessed by and eternally grateful for. 

The TV called their attention back to the screen and the moment was broken. Broken, but not lost as its sparks ignited a life that, from that moment, could not be stopped. Life had been set in motion right there and then and the unravelling of the entangled yarns of their past, present and beautiful future began. 

*******

Tessa felt a sense of displacement as the darkness filled her eyes. Somewhere at the back of her mind floated the knowledge of her location, but she struggled to pull it into her consciousness. Shapes started to reveal themselves as her eyes adjusted to the blackness. As her mind emerged from the depths of heavy sleep she slowly became aware of her body. There was a lightness in her right arm that became a sensation of shooting sparks as she became aware of it. Her fingers failed to respond to her instruction to move them as they struggled for blood. Her arm, pinned beneath her own body, seemed to try to free itself. She wriggled in order to free it. The ring of weight around her waist stopped her from moving. Her mind came closer to the surface, her eyes almost able to take in the darkness of the hotel room. She moved again, this time she felt the shift as the weight at her back moved with her. She freed her arm and felt the blood begin to return to her fingers. The relief allowed her to bring the moment into focus. She became aware of her body. She became aware of his body. She became aware of his slow and steady sleeping breath against the back of her neck, his chest against her back, his arm draped across her waist and his leg slotted neatly between her own in a perfectly crafted tangle of limbs. Her heart rate rose. She felt panic begin to well. She became aware of the flickering TV screen and remembered that they had been watching a film. Her awareness returned and she remembered that they had been watching a film and that the last thing she remembered was her eyes feeling heavy. Her panic sent her reeling, she pushed her way off the bed. She felt him come to life behind her. 

“What!” Scott’s voice was filled with urgency and panic as he sat up, wide eyed. His heart thumped at his chest as his eyes adjusted to the darkness and sought out the threat. 

Tessa was already on her feet and at the end of the bed grabbing her bag. 

“Tess?” the fear in Scott’s voice had dissolved into confusion. He felt suddenly the coolness of his limbs and realised that the impression of another body lay on them.

“Tess!” he was on his knees on the bed. 

She couldn’t look at him as she shouldered her bag and collected her shoes from the floor. 

“Tess!” his eyes burned as they struggled to adjust to the darkness. He heard some cutlery from the table hit the floor as she grabbed for her phone on the table. 

The door slammed shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry - I won't keep you waiting long for the next chapter.


	45. Chapter Forty Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter starts where the last one ended. Hope you enjoy. Thank you so much for all of the kind comments. It means a lot when you give of your time to read and to comment. I love hearing from you.

The slamming of the door vibrated around the room and into Scott’s head. He felt as if his skull was being pounded on from the inside. He put his fingers to the bridge of his nose in a futile attempt to stop the noise. His mouth was dry and his lips calling for water. He forced his eyes to adjust to the darkness as he pushed himself from the mattress and across the room. The lights burnt his eyes as he switched them on. He squinted through the electric glare as he groped for his room key and shoes. The corridor’s lighting was a little softer and the glow from the night lights was enough to lead him to Tessa’s door. He knocked quietly. When no reply came he knocked again as well as putting his face closer to the door. 

“T,” his begging was soft and urgent. He left time for her to respond, to come to the door, to give him some sign that she had heard. 

“T,” he tried again, more insistent this time, “T, please,” he tried not to let his own growing panic reach his words, “let’s talk,” he offered, “we need to talk.”

His words floated through the wood and onto the otherside. He imagined them reaching her on the bed where she lay with her face buried in the pillows as she tried to shut out the world. Or perhaps she was pacing back and forth across the floor, her panic fuelling her legs in their endless journey. There were scenes far more terrible for him to imagine, but their horror was inconceivable. 

“Ok,Tess,” his voice carried a tone of resignation, “I understand. You want some time alone,” he spoke to through the door, “we have to talk about this in the morning,” he mandated, “I just want you to be ok,” he added, “whatever you need,” he wanted to reach out to her and the physical barrier between them left him with only words, “time, space - whatever. You have it,” he assured her, “but I just want you to be ok,” he fell to silence and listened for a sign that his words had been heard. He stood with his forehead against the wood willing a connection. There was something in him that wanted to stand there all night, as if his presence was in some way needed. His eyes felt heavy and his body carried a thirst that made him feel weak and dry. Standing at her door would do nothing to change what was happening on the other side of it. She was probably already asleep, he rationalised. Otherwise he would have heard her move in the room beyond. With a slow reluctance he broke contact with the door. He took a last look at it before turning and heading back to his own room. He closed the door quietly before grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge and draining its cold contents into his mouth in one swig. He crushed the plastic in his right fist before throwing it into the bin. His eyes found the unopened bottle of wine on the counter and before his mind could regulate his actions he had uncorked it and filled his glass. He sat on the sofa and drank in the darkness. With each mouthful of wine his thoughts became quieter before they turned into the vapours of a heat haze and rose up into the ether and away. He found his way to the bed and fell into a fitful sleep where his thoughts fell into images potent with love and pain and desire. They played like a shaky home movie in his mind each scene more starting in brilliant detail before fading to the indistinguishable behind white lines of static interference. His body curled and moaned through hours of joy and torment that would be forgotten by morning.   
A light but insistent tapping hooked into Scott’s mind and reeled him from his sleep. He opened his eyes to the noise as it came again. His mind was quick to realise that the noise was coming from the door. He sprang from the bed, his legs carrying him over to the door in anticipation of finding her on the other side. His sweat sheened skin and heavy legs that were dried out from the alcohol he had slept in were no match for the power of his desire to see her standing there. A feeling of relief flooded through him as his hand made contact with the handle and pushed it downwards. 

“Morning, Scott,” Doug smiled, “breakfast,” he indicated with the tray he held in his hands. 

Scott was frozen for a moment as his mind caught up with the scene and the disappointment. His look of confusion didn’t go unnoticed. 

“Miss Virtue ordered it,” Doug explained, “when she booked the rooms. She asked for breakfast to be brought to the rooms by 10.30 if you hadn’t already ordered it.”

“Oh,” Scott nodded, “right. Yes. Thanks,” he stood back to allow Doug to gain entry into the room. The smell of bacon and waffles made Scott’s stomach turn, but the aroma of fresh coffee reached him like a shining port in a storm. 

Doug cleared the table of the previous night’s plates before placing Scott’s breakfast on the table. He arranged the coffee and orange juice around the plate of steaming food. 

“Thanks,” Scott nodded as the young man took a step back from the table. 

“Coffee?” Doug asked as he lifted to cafetiere from the table and held it near Scott’s cup.

“Please,” Scott smiled. The concierge had barely finished pouring before Scott picked up the cup and put it to his lips. The dark liquid was like nectar as it scorched his throat, “has Tessa already eaten?” he asked Doug as the coffee got to work on his mind.

“Miss Virtue checked out last night, sir,” Doug’s information was delivered with a tone of confusion and furrowed brow. 

“Checked out?”

“Around 1am,” Doug informed him. 

The sound of Scott’s coffee cup hitting the table took Doug by surprise. 

“What did she say?”

“She didn’t say anything, sir,” Doug felt the light of inspection on him, “she just called me down to reception and asked for the keys to the car.”

“She didn’t give any indication of where she was going.”

“No, sorry I-”

“Did she have her bag?”

“Yes, the one I brought up from the car yesterday.”

Scott was on his feet and heading across the room to his phone. He found it in the seating area, dead, “shit,” he mumbled as he searched through his bag for a charger. He pulled the plug and wire from his bag, spilling its contents onto the floor in the process. 

“Is there anything I can-,” Doug shuffled from one foot to the other as he watched Scott jam the charger’s plug into the socket. 

Scott combed his fingers through his hair as he tried to think about what to do. He breathed deeply for a moment. He allowed his breath to bring him some calm. She’d been upset, he reasoned, panicked, emotional. She would have wanted someone to talk to, or some time to think, or perhaps both. She’d probably gone to Kaitlyn’s he reasoned. She had probably just gone over there and was having breakfast with Kaitlyn and Andrew that very moment. In fact, she’d probably sent him a text to tell him so, but he had been so tired and drunk that he hadn’t even realised his phone was dead - he chastised himself for being irresponsible. 

“I need a cab,” he looked over at Doug, “I need to get to-,” he stopped talking in order to grab his wallet from the bedside table. He flipped it open and pulled out the piece of paper on which he’d written Kaitlyn and Andrew’s address, “I need to get to this address,” he handed the piece of paper to Doug. 

“No problem,” Doug was relieved to have something practical to do, “now?”

“Now,” Scott confirmed as he began to stuff the clothes from the floor back into his bag. 

** *****

Tessa felt the unmistakable ache of tiredness tug at her limbs as she reached up and pulled her overnight bag from the overhead storage bin. The strap was caught around the bin’s arm, and her head felt light as she pushed onto her tip-toes in order to reach it. A hand joined hers and she followed its arm to the smiling air stewardess who had noticed her struggle. Tessa managed to form a weak smile as she met the woman’s eyes. She looked at her lips as they moved, the words she said were silent and floated past Tessa’s understanding. The woman passed her the bag and then stood before her, face smiling and expectant. Tessa, coming more fully to the moment, reached up to her ears and removed the headphones that covered them. The impression of heavy beats vibrated inside her ears. 

“Is there anything else I can get you, Miss Virtue?” the woman repeated, “do you need any arrangements made in the terminal.”

“No,” Tessa replied, white noise still filling her ears, “thank you,” she remembered herself, “no, thank you. I’m fine.”

“Ok,” the stewardess smiled, “we will be disembarking shortly,” she informed her, “if there is anything you need in the meantime, just let me know.”

“Thank you,” Tessa smiled weakly before sliding back into her seat. The plane was standing at the gate ready to disgorge its passenger’s into London International’s terminal building, but she felt weak in mind, in body and in soul and sought the comfort of the chair. She placed her headphones back over her ears and fell back into the heavy binaural beats that she had played on full volume for the trip’s entirety. She disappeared into the rhythm of the beats. She did not have to wait much longer. She was almost at her destination. Just another hour or so and she would be in a place where she would be free to think and to explore and understand what had happened the night before. 

** *****  
The trip across town to Kaitlyn and Andrew’s house was agonising. Each street travelled brought greater relief for Scott. He could relax knowing that he was getting closer to Tessa and being able to address what had happened between them. He knew that it was nothing more than their tired and intoxicated bodies falling into a long forgotten rhythm, but he needed to understand her reaction to it. He knew that it came from the pain she had experienced and the journey she had been on, but he wanted to understand more so that they could prevent it from happening again.   
As the cab pulled up in front of the house, he actually started to think about the day that lay ahead. Once he and Tessa had talked about the night before and straightened out the issue of how to ensure it didn’t happen again, they had a whole day with some of their best friends to enjoy. There was almost a skip in his step as he walked up the driveway to the front door. 

“Hey,” Andrew’s smile and hug were enveloping as he greeted his old friend, “it’s so god to see you!” he beamed at Scott, “come in,” he pulled Scott through the door and into the hallway, “man, it has been too long,” Andrew smiled at Scott with wide eyes as he ushered him through to the kitchen. 

“Scott!” Kaitlyn’s reaction was akin to her husband’s although she did not move from the breakfast stool on which she was delicately perched. 

“Hey, man!” Chiddy all but threw himself at Scott.

Scott smiled at the welcome his friends lavished on him. He scanned the kitchen for Tessa. 

“Tessa still asleep?” he asked as he made his way to a stool. 

Kaitlyn and Andrew exchanged confused looks. 

“Tessa’s not arrived yet,” Kaitlyn replied, although she was aware just how ineffective an answer it was. She watched as Scott’s face twisted to confusion.

“She’s not here?” Scott looked around the kitchen as if Kaitlyn had been mistaken. 

“We’ve not heard from her,” Andrew smiled at Scott. He looked down at his watch, “we said arrive anytime during the afternoon,” he smiled, “so people are likely to just arrive from now until dinner.”

Scott felt a wave of panic wash over him. His mouth was suddenly dry once more and a sickness turned in the pit of his stomach. He swallowed deeply as he felt the room swim. 

“You ok?” Chiddy asked. 

“What?” Scott heard Patrick’s words float from beneath the room. His mind shut out the immediate life around him as it tried to backtrack from the shock. He felt himself slide once more into panic. He stopped and grabbed at the whisps of his rational mind. He needed to work out where she was without alarming his friends. The last thing he wanted was to bring drama to Kaitlyn and Andrew’s party. Even less so, did he want to reveal what had happened the night before. Their lives and relationship had already been too much on display to the people in front of him, and they did not need to be spectators in their latest act, “oh,” he recovered, “I just thought she was staying here last night,” he lied, “I thought someone said she was,” he said vaguely. 

“I think she’s flying in today,” Kaitlyn smiled. 

“Ah right,” Scott regained his composure and painted a smile on his face. He took a glass of juice offered to him by Andrew before asking where the bathroom was. 

Andrew showed Scott to the room he was staying in. The bathroom, he explained, was en suite, and extra towels could be found in the closet in the hallway. As soon as the door was shut, Scott pulled his phone and charger from his bag and plugged it into the wall. He felt a wave of nausea run through him as he woke the screen and navigated through his phonebook to Jordan’s number. Despite all of the friendliness that she had shown him recently, he was sure that she was unlikely to be anything other than cross and hostile once he told her what had happened. The feeling that he would be blamed, and therefore was to blame for the situation was a relic from their younger days, but it was no less powerful and fear provoking than it always had been. He bowed his head and closed his eyes as he put the handset to his ear and listened as the dial tone repeated twice before Jordan answered. 

“Hi, Scott,” her tone was light and jovial - enough to tell Scott that she knew nothing about what he was about to tell her. 

“Jordan,” his mouth was suddenly so dry that his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth as he tried to speak, “hi,” he squeezed his eyes tighter shut as he felt a prickle of anxiety run across his skin, “look. I need to speak to you about Tessa,” he knew the words were ineffective, but he was trying to explain in a way that would not panic Jordan, “something’s happened,” he added, “nothing bad,” he explained quickly, “she’s fine,” he assured Jordan, “I think she’s fine.”

“Scott,” Jordan’s tone had changed to one of fear, “what’s happened? Where are you?”

“I’m in Philadelphia,” he answered. 

“At Kaitlyn and Andrew’s?”

“Yes,” Scott rubbed at his brow as the conversation slipped from his grasp, “I’m in Philly,” he explained, “and Tessa should be here. She was here,” he clarified, “but last night we...well...we…,” it occurred to him only then that he didn’t have the words to explain what had happened. 

“Oh god,” Jordan’s tone was one of exasperation, “I warned her,” she said with irritation, “the two of you,” Scott could hear her anger rising on the other end of the line, “I told her normal friends don’t have sex with each other.”

“No, no,” Scott leapt from the bed, pulling the charger from the wall in the process, “shit,” he mumbled under his breath as he grabbed the plug and jabbed at the socket with it, “no,” he repeated, “nothing like that,” he assured Jordan, “we’re just friends,” he added, “we’re not having sex,” he felt sweat run down his back as he spoke, “we were just watching a film. We fell asleep and I don’t know how it happened,” he was trying to explain to himself as much as to Jordan, “I woke up and we were next to each other,” the explanation sounded pathetic to his own ears, “you know,” he wished Jordan would save him, “just cuddling,” the word sounded so juvenile, “we’d been drinking,” he was quick to add in way of explanation, “it was just instinct I suppose, I don’t know. She woke up and panicked,” he explained, “she ran out of my room and I couldn’t stop her. I thought she’d gone back to her room and that we would talk about it in the morning. But she hadn’t - she checked out as soon as she left my room. I thought she had come to Kaitlyn and Andrew’s,” his words tumbled over each other as they fell thick and fast from his mouth, “but now she’s not here, and no one has heard from her.”

There was silence on the other end of the line. 

“Jordan?”

“I knew this was going to happen.”

“Jor-”

“Nevermind,” Jordan’s sternness cut him off, “we need to find her.”

“I know.”

“Ava’s away for the weekend,” Scott could hear Jordan working through her thoughts, “perhaps she’s just come home,” Jordan thought aloud, “hang on, I’ll call her,” Scott heard Jordan dial Tessa’s number on the landline’s handset. He heard the robotic voice of her answering machine seconds later, “she’s turned her phone off,” Jordan surmised. Scott heard the rapping of Jordan’s fingernail on a hard surface as she thought, “she’s had time to fly home,” Jordan shared her thoughts, “she could have just changed her flight.”

“How can we find out whether she’s been to the airport?” 

Silence on the line again. 

“Oh, I know,” Jordan’s voice was sprightly as the idea came to her, “I can log into her Air Canada account,” Scott heard Jordan’s voice change as she moved through the house to find her laptop, “I use it to book flights,” she gave in way of an explanation. He heard Jordan’s fingers hard and heavy on the keys followed by the click of mouse buttons as she navigated the site, “ok,” Jordan was reading from the screen, “she took a flight home at six this morning,” she told Scott, “she landed about an hour ago,” she added, “she’s here in London.”

A wave of relief swept over Scott that brought tears to his eyes, “ok,” he exhaled, “ok.”

“I’m going to her house,” Jordan informed him. Her tone shifted to icey. 

“Jordan,” Scott rubbed at the tears on his cheeks, “please just let me know she’s ok?” he knew that he was asking for more than Jordan would want to give, but he ached to know that she was well and safe. 

“Ok,” Jordan’s words were as abrasive as the sudden tone that played into Scott’s ears as she cut the call. 

*******  
Jordan’s stomach fell as she pulled up outside Tessa’s house and noticed the absence of her sister’s car. It was likely, she reasoned, that she had taken a cab from the airport with plans of collecting her car at a later date. Afterall, she was likely tired and emotional. Jordan shut her car door before making her way up the driveway to the house's front window. She peered into a darkness that registered no sign of life. Supposing that her sister was probably in the kitchen at the back of the house, or upstairs in bed, she slotted her key into the front door and entered the darkened hallway. Her heart fell as she saw the post on the door mat. Tessa’s keys weren’t in the bowl that sat on the table in the hallway, and there was no sign of life in the house. 

“Tess?” Jordan walked through to the lounge to find it neat and tidy. She made her way to the snug at the back of the house, “Tess?” her belief was wearing thin as reality dawned. She mounted the stairs, “Tess?” she pushed open her sister’s bedroom door to find an empty bed. Fear returned to her chest. She pulled her phone from her pocket and dialled Scott’s number. 

“Jordan,” Scott’s voice echoed in the hallway he had escaped to as soon as he heard his phone ring, “is she ok?”

“She’s not here, Scott.”

There was silence on both ends of the line as both Jordan and Scott fell into panicked thought. 

“Maybe she’s at my mom’s,” Jordan’s thoughts rushed down the line, “or in Toronto.”

“No,” Scott’s voice was firm and calm, “I know exactly where she is.”

*******

Jordan looked up at the track that led through the trees. The scene before her matched Scott’s description exactly, and she was in no doubt that she was in the right place. She pushed into the trees, the thought of finding her sister set her feet at a hurried pace. The view that greeted her as she emerged from the track and onto the hilltop was awe-inspiring. The city lay before her like a sprawling mass of energy. She felt breathless. She came back to the moment and put her focus back to her task. She replayed Scott’s instructions and followed the hill’s crest to the right. The hunched, tightly wrapped figure sat on the bench made her gasp in relief. Even from behind she could tell that it was her sister. From the way she hugged her knees to her body, to the stillness of her form, she knew that she had found her. She pulled her phone from her pocket and sent a quick text. 

_ Jordan: she’s here. _ They would be the last words Scott would hear from a Virtue for an agonising week. 

Jordan moved softly towards the bench. She rounded its end and sat down slowly next to Tessa. Her sister, eyes fixed on the horizon, didn’t flinch. 

“It’s beautiful up here,” Jordan said into the sky as she followed Tessa’s gaze. 

Her sister remained silent and unmoving. 

“A good place to think,” Jordan added. 

The silence she met was not one of defiance or anger, but one of pain and confusion. 

“I spoke to Scott,” Jordan looked at her fingers as she spoke. She feared her words would send Tessa running, “he’s worried she added.”

She saw a slight movement in Tessa’s shoulders, a break in the rhythm of her steadying breathing, “I’ve told him you’re safe.” 

She watched as the steady rhythm returned. 

They sat for a long moment. 

“What colour?” Jordan asked. It was a technique she’d learnt to use with Tessa when she was ill. When words wouldn’t come. She knew that when her sister’s mind was full that the words got stuck in her throat and needed coaxing out. 

“Light blue,” the words were fragile when they came. 

Jordan nodded in response. To Tessa, light blue meant a coldness and vastness that invoked a feeling of panic and chaos. 

“Chaotic,” Jordan offered. 

Tessa nodded again. 

“Because you don’t know how you feel?”

“No,” a simple word, but it was a start, “I know how I feel,” she confirmed. Her body remained still as she looked out at the sky beyond. 

“About the situation?”

Tessa nodded, “I feel confused,” Tessa stated, her words came from a dry mouth that Jordan knew needed water. She wondered when her sister had last eaten. 

“It scared you?” Jordan already knew the answer, but she knew her sister needed to give it. 

“I was weak.”

“Weak?” it wasn’t the answer Jordan was expecting. 

“I should have been in control,” Tessa expanded, her voice gathering strength, “I have worked so hard to control my mind,” she explained, “all the work I’ve done. All the healing.”

Jordan could feel a sense of self-hate gathering. 

“I’ve become complacent.”

Jordan tried not to make her deep inhalation audible. She could feel her sister turning in on herself. She could feel her running as she sat in stillness beside her, eyes rooted to the vastness of the sky. 

“I don’t know how I let it happen,” Tessa rubbed at her forehead.

Jordan felt like there was a barrier between them. In the past she had been able to find a way in, a way to meet Tessa on the other side, but the barricade between them felt impenetrable and left her feeling helpless. What she knew for sure, the realisation that had slowly gathered in her mind, was that her sister was not focused on the truth. She knew better than anyone else that she could not force Tessa to the truth of her feelings for Scott, but she felt duty bound to at least encourage her to address the idea. 

“Do you feel confused about how you feel about Scott?” it was a big question, and Jordan knew she was pushing as she asked it.

“No,” Tessa dismissed the question easily, “we’re friends,” she stated, “I like that we are,” she added, “but last night when I woke up, it was like time had fallen backwards,” her voice became small and uneasy as she spoke, “for a moment it had,” she confessed, “for a moment I leant into it - the comfort, the feeling - and it was like no time had passed.”

“Like he hadn’t hurt you?”

“Like I’d learnt nothing.”

Jordan nodded in understanding. Her sister’s brush with the past is what had sent her running. The feeling of comfort and warmth she’d woken up to was the very same feeling that had led her to the maze of pain and torture that had gnawed away at her, turn by turn. It had led her in ceaseless circles and into dizzying dead ends until she had no choice but to surrender to its power and lie drained and empty in its innards as she waited for a salvation that she needed to build the strength to deliver herself. 

“Everything is not undone, Tess,” Jordan reached out to touch Tessa’s arm, “you know that you will never go back to that place? To that time? That darkness?” Jordan’s words were a promise more than anything else. She would not let her sister sink to the same depths again. She knew now what to look for, and how to help. She had promised herself a long time ago that she would never let her sister return to the hell she had visited. 

“I think you’re right,” Tessa stated, “we need boundaries.”

They weren’t the words Jordan was expecting - their simplicity seemed out of step with the magnitude of Tessa’s feelings. However, Jordan knew all too well that her sister needed to compartmentalise and troubleshoot. She needed to identify a ‘way in’; a starting point. 

“That sounds like a healthy place to start, Tess.”

“I need to talk to Gloria,” Tessa straightened her legs, suddenly pulled from her posture and stillness by a call to action. 

“Let’s go home and give her a call,” Jordan seized the moment to put her own actions into motion. 

“Yes,” Tessa nodded and stood from the bench with a fizzing energy. Jordan, breathed deeply and focused on the progress the action heralded. There was, in her opinion, still a long way to go if her sister was to truly face the reality of the situation, but she knew that supporting her on her journey was the best help she could offer. She watched as Tessa, hair dishevelled by the wind and lack of sleep, marched towards the track. Jordan scooped up her forgotten blanket and made after her.

“Thanks for coming to find me,” Tessa smiled over at her sister as they descended through the trees and back to the road.

“I was worried, Tess.”

“I know,” Tessa touched Jordan’s arm, “I’m sorry. I just needed to think.”

“I know,” Jordan smiled, “you should have called,” Jordan added, “if only to tell me where you were.”

“I know,” Tessa smiled in apology. 

The sisters walked on in a silence that was easy despite its heaviness. 

“How did you know where I was?” Tessa asked as realisation dawned - Jordan had never been to the bench with her. 

“Scott told me,” Jordan replied, her tone low and quiet as her eyes fell to concentrate on the path at her feet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter - Ava comes home.


	46. Chapter Forty Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ava is with us for another few chapters! I had planned to write a long chapter with the return home, session with Gloria and break up all happening in it. However, it's nicer to be able to post a little more often whilst I have the time. So, here we go - Ava's return.   
Just preparing you for the heartache to come.

Ava trod carefully over the gravel path that took her along the side of Tessa’s house. She carefully and quietly unlocked the garden gate and made her way past the first window. The light coming from the room told her that her girlfriend was home. She felt a warmth spread through her at the thought of seeing her and spending what remained of the warm and sunny Sunday with her. Her retreat had ended slightly earlier than planned, and like many others, she was keen to return to life and love carrying a renewed feeling of peace and gratitude. She let herself in through the unlocked door to the utility room that was attached to the kitchen. Through the archway connecting the utility room to the kitchen she saw Tessa at the sink. A perfect opportunity. She crept unnoticed across the kitchen floor and snaked her arms around the brunette’s hips before placing a soft kiss to her neck. 

“Argh!” the scream that followed made Ava jump back in shock and horror. 

“Sorry!”

“Oh my god.”

“I’m sorry, I thought-”

“You scared the life out of me, Ava!” Jordan, red faced and clutching her chest was less than impressed by Ava’s surprise. 

“I thought you were Tess!” Ava explained with wide-eyed horror that was quickly turning to red hot embarrassment. 

“Clearly!” Jordan sat down at the kitchen table as she encouraged her heart rate to return to normal. 

“I’m so sorry,” Ava repeated as she moved towards the table. 

The two women stopped for a moment and looked at each other. With the fear of the moment gone, and the embarrassment threatening to engulf them, they both burst into howling laughter. 

“Sorry, Jordan!” Ava’s voice was steady once she had recovered, “I really thought you were Tess.”

“It’s fine,” Jordan smiled across the table, “you just gave me a shock,” she explained, “in more ways than one,” she added with a cheeky tone. 

“How embarrassing,” Ava put her hands to her face as she relived the feeling of her lips meeting Jordan’s skin. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Jordan smiled, “most romantic moment I’ve had for a while,” she winked as she attempted to make the situation into a joke that would ease Ava’s humiliation. 

The two women smiled at each other and the tension and embarrassment dissolved. 

“Where is Tess?” Ava asked as she looked towards the kitchen door she was expecting her girlfriend to appear from at any second. 

“She’s not here,” Jordan’s voice took on a serious tone, all remnants of the previous joviality gone, “she’s at mine.”

“Oh,” Ava’s brow creased in confusion, “is she ok?”

“She’s fine,” Jordan nodded, “something happened over the weekend,” Jordan chose her words carefully, “nothing bad,” she added, “she’s not hurt or anything like that.”

“Something happened at Kaitlyn and Andrew’s?”

“She had a difficult moment with Scott,” Jordan was aware of the details she was omitting, and although part of her hated being deliberately vague with Ava, she also knew that it was not her place to explain the details of what had happened. 

“Ok,” Ava’s voice was calm and steady, but there was a ripple beneath it that told of a greater understanding.

“She flew back home,” Jordan explained, keeping the details to a minimum.

“Yesterday?”

“Yes,” Jordan confirmed, “look, Ava,” Jordan allowed her tone to reach out to Ava, to tell her that she knew what she was saying was insufficient, “they haven’t-”

“No,” Ava interrupted, “I know they haven’t,” she said with authority, “Tess wouldn’t let that happen.”

“No,” Jordan felt relief run through her as she latched on to Ava’s understanding. Her words told her that Ava still trusted her sister and that this need not spell the end of a relationship that she knew was good for Tess, “she wouldn’t.”

“That would mean accepting how she really feels,” Ava’s words were simple and direct. They took Jordan by surprise and she felt the tone of the conversation shift, “and that’s not something that Tessa can do right now,” Ava nodded with surety.

“Ava, I don’t think they are-” Jordan knew the words were lies as they left her mouth, but there was something within her that wanted to save the relationship for her sister. She knew that Ava was good for Tess, and she knew that Tess had feelings for Ava. She knew that Tess could love Ava the way she deserved if only Ava could give her the time to get over what was going on with Scott. Ava was steady and calm and predictable. She was everything that Scott had never been for Tess. 

“Jordan,” Ava set her eyes on Jordan’s as she spoke, “you’ve spent your whole life around them. Tell me that you think they can exist without each other.”

“I know they struggle to exist in peace with each other,” Jordan countered, “I know that Tessa is trying to work out how she can have him in her life.”

“And why is that so important?” Ava asked, “why does Tessa need Scott in her life?”

“Because…,” Jordan stopped to think, “because that’s how it’s always been,” there was nothing else she could make sense of in that moment, “because it’s always been them,” she added, “it’s always been Tessa and Scott.”

“Exactly.”

“But that’s when they were competing,” Jordan pushed on, “that’s when they needed to rely on each other,” she explained, “their feelings got confused with the pressure and the win and the future, and it’s just taking her time to work out what it all means. 

“But they’ve always been more than just - business partners, teammates, whatever they called themselves,” Ava went on, “haven’t they?”

“There’s been sex, yes,” Jordan knew she couldn’t avoid the obvious, “but that’s not everything, is it?” Jordan appealed to Ava. 

“No,” Ava agreed, “but it’s been more than just sex, too,” her voice was calm and sure, “he had the power to totally destroy her.”

Jordan sat depleted and beaten - she didn’t even believe in her own fight anymore. She knew that Ava was right and that the power Tessa and Scott had over each other was something not even they could control. 

“I asked her,” Ava’s voice was coloured with emotion, “after the picture,” she explained, “I asked her to keep one promise. A promise to herself,” she went on, “to be honest about her love for him.”

“Ava,” Jordan felt the woman across the table slipping away from her. 

“It’s not a promise she can keep, Jordan,” Ava said simply, “she’s in love with him. You know it, I know it, and deep down, in the places she’s too scared to go, she knows it too.”

“He’s not good for-”

“It doesn’t matter,” Ava interrupted and then fell into silence, “it doesn’t matter,” she repeated, “because it’s not about him,” she assured Jordan, “it’s about them. Tess is trying to fix the problem for the both of them, taking it all on herself, believing that she can sever ties with him and heal herself and that will be enough. But she’s only healed half of the wound.”

Jordan fell to silence.

“I’m sorry,” Jordan’s words were sincere, but sounded hollow to her ears as they left her mouth. 

“No,” Ava smiled, “all moments are part of a journey, and this is a moment in my journey as much as it is a moment in Tessa’s.”

Jordan nodded. 

“How long is she staying at yours?”

“She’s coming back here tonight,” Jordan informed Ava, “after her session with Gloria.”

Ava nodded. 

“Will you come back later?” Ava asked, “after I’ve gone,” she added quietly. 

“Of course,” Jordan’s response was sure and solemn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next - Tessa's session with Glora. Get your oars at the ready - we're back on that big ole' river again!


	47. Chapter Forty Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hold onto the glimpses of truth!

“It’s good to see you, Tess,” Gloria’s voice was soft and welcoming as she met Tessa at the door of her office. 

“Thank you,” Tessa smiled widely, “thank you for seeing me at such short notice.”

“That’s ok,” Gloria took her seat and settled, “take your time,” she smiled over at Tess, “I’ll get us some water,” Gloria moved to the other side of the room whilst Tessa closed her eyes and found her peace in the moment. It was a technique Gloria had taught her to use at the start of their sessions, and it really made a difference to how open Tessa was able to be during the session. Gloria moved to set down their water. She noticed the constant jogging of Tessa’s leg as she sat with her eyes closed. She could see the uncontrollable energy that was pulsing through the woman’s body. She made her way back to her seat and waited for Tessa to open her eyes. As she sat looking at her she wondered just what was going on in her mind. As a therapist she so often wished she could look through into the brain as people talked and see what neurons fired when they lied or when they thought, or in Tessa’s case (as with so many others) when they tried to rewrite what was already written with a reality that that they were trying to wish into existence. She knew the brain would only tell her so much; would only give her access to the surface. She knew that where the truth lay, where love and a lack of fear could be found was deeper than she was able to go, it was in a place that only each individual could access, and although she could feel it when they did, she was no wiser, even after all of her years working with people, about the origin of the spirit that transformed people as they sat before her. 

“Ok,” Gloria welcomed Tessa to the room, “it’s good to see you, Tess,” she repeated, “I was surprised to hear Jordan call and ask for an appointment for you,” she added, “it sounds like you’ve had quite an eventful weekend. Do you want to tell me about it?”

“Eventful,” Tessa smiled widely, “that is one way to put it.”

“How would you put it?”

“Emotional.”

“Emotional?” Gloria nodded. 

“Yeah.”

“What emotions are involved?”

“Anger, frustration, anxiety, fear,” Tessa listed them as if they were sitting on the tip of her tongue and at the front of her mind. 

“That’s a lot to cope with all at once.”

“Yeah, it is.”

“Would it help to start with the most overwhelming one?”

“Frustration.”

“That’s a powerful emotion,” Gloria’s voice was comforting, “is it directed at anything in particular?”

“Me,” Tessa said simply, “my behaviour.”

“Oh?”

“I was just so frustrated with the way I acted,” Tessa’s sat back against the chair’s back as she spoke, “I panicked and I ran away instead of stopping and getting perspective.”

“You ran?”

“From Scott.”

“I see.”

“Well, from the situation,” Tessa corrected herself, “I didn’t run away from him,” she explained, “I ran away from the situation and from my fear.”

“Fear?”

“I was scared,” Tessa shook her head as she spoke as if she was disappointed with herself, “we were in Philadelphia,” she explained, “in a hotel. We had dinner, a bottle of wine. A normal thing to do with a friend.”

“Sure,” Gloria nodded. 

“We watched a film,” Tessa went on with the explanation, “we sat on the bed,” she explained, “why is the TV always at the end of the bed?” she questioned with a quizzical look. 

“Luxury,” Gloria smiled. 

“That’s what Scott said,” Tessa smiled back. 

“So you were in bed watching a film?”

“Not in bed,” Tessa answered quickly, “we were just sitting on the bed.”

“I see.”

“And it was late, we’d both flown that day,” Tessa’s hands moved in front of her as she punctuated her speech with hand gestures that used up some of the energy that was fizzing through her, “we fell asleep,” she went on, “and when I woke up,” she paused as the feeling of panic came back to her. It stood in her chest and threatened to overwhelm her once more. She needed words to keep it at bay - to push it back down where it could not be reached, “we were lying next to each other, you know?” she looked up at Gloria. 

“Touching each other?”

“Our bodies were connected, yes,” it was as if she was a school child admitting to her crimes. 

“Spooning?” Gloria said it so simply and so confidently as if there was nothing to be afraid of and no embarrassment connected with it. 

“Yes,” Tessa felt a heat rise in her cheeks. She reached out for the glass of water that Gloria had put on the table beside her. The office was unusually hot, she noted, “and I woke up, it was dark, I felt him there and I panicked.”

“And that’s when you ran away?”

“Yes.”

“Ok,” Gloria nodded, her words were of understanding and not judgement, “and where did you run away to?”

“Home,” Tessa’s voice dropped as she gave the details, “London,” she elaborated, “to the bench.”

“The one on the hill?” Gloria checked, “where you like to think?”

“Yes.”

“Where you took Scott?”

“Yes,” Tessa nodded, “it was him who worked out I was there.”

“I see,” Gloria took a sip of her water, “he must have been worried about you,” she offered, “you running out in the middle of the night?”

“I know,” Tessa put her hands to her face to cover them, “I know,” she repeated as she ran her fingers down her face, “and I am embarrassed about that now,” she explained, “running out like that was so dramatic.”

“I am sure it was a shock to him. “

“I am sure it was.”

“Have you spoken to him about it since?”

“No.”

“Ok,” Gloria wanted only to gather a picture of the situation. Whether Tessa had spoken to Scott about what had happened was something to be explored later in the session, “you said it was a dramatic thing to do,” Gloria stated, “and perhaps it was dramatic - running out in the middle of the night,” her voice was soft as she spoke in order to let Tessa know that she was not judging or chastising her, “but you must have also been overwhelmed to do such a thing,” she pointed out kindly, “emotionally.” 

“I was scared,” Tessa explained with a lack of emotion in her voice, “I woke up and felt him there and I was just so scared.”

“Scared of what?”

“The past,” Tessa stated. Her eyes wandered to her lap as she fell into thought for a moment. Her mind struggled to order the information that was flowing through it. There was so much to be said and to be felt, but some of it was too delicate to be allowed daylight at that point, “I woke up in the darkness,” Tessa’s voice was low and took on a slight tremble as she spoke, “and for a minute,” her breath came slowly and seemed to stop, “for a minute,” her voice barely above a whisper, “I thought I was somewhere else,” she sat motionless in the chair, “in another time,” she elaborated before looking up at Gloria. 

“In the past?”

Tessa nodded. 

“That must have been a shock?”

Tessa was silent for a long moment. The air stilled in the room, she heard her own heartbeat pulsing in her ears, “that wasn’t the shock,” the words were so quiet that they barely entered the room. 

“What shocked you, Tess?” Gloria felt they were in new territory; in a land of honesty that Tessa had never allowed herself to step foot in before. 

Tessa swallowed hard. Her throat was suddenly constricted by the words that lay lodged in it. She knew then that the only way to remove them and allow herself to breathe was to say them out loud. They were too close to her lips to be pushed back down.

“That I liked it,” she said finally, “that when I woke up and felt him there, I liked it.”

Her words were like a confession. 

Silence deeper and heavier than had ever fallen between them before rested in the room. Gloria knew that they were on delicate ground, and she knew that they would not remain there for long. This honesty was shifting sands, and she knew their time there was limited. 

“After everything I have learnt!” Tessa emerged from her honesty and returned to the surface of her emotion, “after all the work I’ve done,” she added, “and I let a silly feeling fill my mind!”

And they were back. The land uncharted, the journey in complete. 

“A silly feeling?”

“Yes!” Tessa’s voice was half frustration and half laughter, “we’d drunk wine, fallen asleep,” she explained with a clarity she had obviously planted in her own mind, “we’ve spent enough nights sharing a bed for our bodies to act on automatic pilot!”

“Automatic pilot?”

“Yes!” it seemed so simple to her, “obviously our bodies just did what they were used to,” she went on, “and when I woke up in the darkness my mind needed time to catch up, that’s all. The darkness does strange things to us all.”

“Indeed.”

“But instead of stopping and realising what was going on,” Tessa’s voice carried a tone of disbelief borne of her own actions, “I ran out of the room in a panic,” she explained, “not just out of the room,” she added, “I drove to the airport and got on the first plane home!”

“What were you thinking in that time?”

“Thinking?” Tessa’s voice was tinged with laughter, “I wasn’t thinking!” she informed Gloria, “I was just feeling - pure feeling. I was panicked, but something inside me knew that if I could get to the bench then I could think clearly.”

“And you got clarity there?”

“I did,” Tessa nodded, “I realised just what had happened and that it was just another step in the process that I am going through.”

“The process?”

“Of building a friendship with Scott.”

“Right.”

“Obviously things are going to be different between us,” Tessa stated, “and we’ve both agreed to forget about the past.”

“Forget about the past?” Gloria raised her eyebrows slightly. 

“We were something to each other before,” Tessa’s explanation took on a tone of the scientific, as if she had shaped complex human emotion into a straight forward equation, “and now we’re something different,” she explained, “we want to be something different,” she added, “and we are in a transition phase right now.”

“A transition phase?”

“We’re transitioning between being one thing,” Tessa used her hands to create a compartment in the air to her right, “and another,” the compartment was made anew on her left hand side, “and that transition is going to take some time and some work.”

“It’s something you need to work on?”

“I think it is,” Tessa took a sip of her water as she spoke. The energy that Gloria had witnessed at the start of the session was clearly running through Tessa’s veins, “something Jordan said made me realise it.”

“Oh?”

“Yes,” Tessa nodded as she continued, “she said that Scott and I need boundaries now that our relationship is changing.”

“Boundaries?”

“Rules!”

“Right.”

“We need to be clear on what the boundaries are and create rules that will help us to keep to them.”

“Sounds very clear.”

“It is,” Tessa smiled in triumph, “but I just couldn’t see it before.”

“And now you do.”

“Yes,” Tessa smiled widely, “it’s strange,” she went on with enthusiasm, “Scott and I were both saying how, in our experience of therapy at the moment, we are having moments where we come to a realisation and then wonder how on earth we couldn’t see it before!”

“Really.”

“Yes,” Tessa was wide-eyed as she spoke. You must see it all of the time.”

Gloria smiled across the room at the woman in front of her and looked forward to the time that they would look back on their current conversation - a time when Tessa was ready to really open her eyes to the truth. 

“So you are going to create boundaries?” Gloria asked, “you and Scott?”

“I think we should.”

“And have you talked to him about this?”

“No, not yet,” Tessa took another sip of water, “but I know that he will agree.”

“And how will you go about creating the boundaries?”

Tessa was silent for a moment as she thought. 

“I suppose we would need to be clear on what we want our friendship to be like.”

“Is that something you’ve discussed before?”

“Not in detail.”

“So you’d need to talk about that?”

“Yes.”

“Manage your expectations?”

“Yes.”

“Is that something you’ve worked at before?” Gloria knew that the pair had been in joint counselling during their career as she asked the question. 

“We had to work hard to understand each other as athletes,” Tessa responded, “we had a lot of couples therapy to understand that.”

“Did it help?”

“Massively.”

“Is that something you think might help this time?”

“Maybe,” Tessa’s brow lined as she thought, “the key thing about that therapy was that we weren’t really in control.”

“Weren’t in control?” Gloria asked, “what do you mean?”

“Well it was different,” Tessa explained, “say, to how we speak,” she elaborated, “you let me lead,” she added, “and explore, and you don’t tell me how I feel or what I should do.”

“Yes.”

“But in the couples therapy we had we were told how we should treat each other, given techniques and so on.”

“Ok,” Gloria nodded, “so a different approach to the client-centered approach that we have in our sessions?”

“Yes.”

“And that worked?”

“It did,” Tessa nodded, “I think we needed an outside perspective to shape what we were doing.”

“And do you think that is something that could work again?”

“I think so,” Tessa nodded.

“Is it something Scott would be open to?”

“Definitely,” Tessa answered without hesitation, “he is getting a lot out of his therapy at the moment, and I know that he really believes in it.”

“If it’s something you want to explore, then I can arrange for you both to see my husband Mark,” Gloria added, “he specialises in couples therapy, and you could chat with him and see whether the three of you would be suited to seeing each other.”

“And I could still see you?” Tessa asked quickly. 

“Of course,” Gloria smiled, “in fact, Mark will likely suggest that both you and Scott continue with your individual therapy so that you have a space in which to discuss how you’re feeling about the sessions you have together.”

“Ok,” Tessa’s voice was filled with purpose and excitement, “then I need to speak to Scott,” she stated. 

Gloria let the moment settle and reminded herself that progress wasn’t always linear and it wasn’t always easy. Tessa was on a journey and to those around her its destination was becoming increasingly clear. But Tessa was covered in scars and they made her hug a protective shield tightly around her. A shield that protected her from further harm, but also obscured her view of the road ahead. Gloria knew that there would come a point, much further down the road, when Tessa would have to find the courage and faith to emerge from the protection she was living in and expose herself to the uncertain danger of love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter - Tessa heads home...


	48. Chapter Forty Eight

With her new found excitement and clarity, Tessa all but skipped up her driveway. The sight of Ava’s car made her steps bounce as she thought about seeing her girlfriend again and sharing her plans and understanding with her. She had agreed to Jordan meeting Ava at the house earlier in the day, and was grateful that her sister had already explained her momentary break down to her girlfriend whilst she attended her session with Gloria. She knew Ava would understand, and she knew she would be happy to hear that she had managed to work through the issue on her own. Ava would see the growth and the progression and she would be proud of her. 

Tessa turned the key in the lock and pushed open the front door. Ava was waiting for her in the hallway and she lost no time in bounding forward and pulling her into a kiss. 

“I missed you,” Tessa smiled as she took her lips from Ava’s, “I’m so glad you’re here,” she declared before dropping another kiss on Ava’s lips and heading for the kitchen, “I’ll open a bottle of wine,” Tessa’s voice came from the kitchen where she was already sliding open the kitchen drawer in search of a corkscrew. 

Ava stood motionless in the hallway. She felt as if she had just been caught up in the passing winds of a hurricane. 

“Red?” Tessa poked her head from the kitchen and back into the hallway. The bottle she held aloft was already open. 

“Sure,” was all that Ava could find to say as she tried to adjust to the energy that was swirling in Tessa’s wake. She took a deep breath before heading into the kitchen. She needed to act to settle the situation quickly. She knew that she could not leave without saying what she had planned to; that which needed to be said. As she stepped into the kitchen she heard music start to blare from the wireless speaker that was mounted on the wall. Tessa, smile wide, danced towards her with two glasses of wine. She passed one into Ava’s hand before winding her body around her, glass held over her shoulder. 

“Dance with me,” Tessa began to swing and sway, the wine in her hand sloshing dangerously to the rim of the glass. She smiled up at Ava and tried to move their bodies together. 

“Tess-,” Ava tried to get her girlfriend’s attention. 

“Oh, the hot tub,” Tessa broke the contact immediately as her mind flitted to another thought, “I should get it warming,” she took a large gulp of wine and then headed to the back door. 

“Tess,” Ava tried again, but her words were eaten up by the music. 

Tessa slotted the key into the back door. 

Ava, aware that she needed to act in order to gain control of the situation, reached for Tessa’s phone that lay on the counter and pressed pause on the music. Tessa turned towards the kitchen with a look of confusion. 

The silence was deafening. 

“Tess, we need to talk,” Ava said simply. 

The serious look on Ava’s face stopped Tessa in her tracks. 

“Ok,” Tessa moved into the kitchen with a worried look on her face, “has something happened? She asked, “Are you alright?”

“Tess,” Ava reached out her hand and placed one on each of Tessa’s elbows before looking into her eyes with a soft smile, “I’m fine,” she assured, “but we need to talk. Let’s go and sit in the lounge.”

They walked through to the lounge in silence, and Ava indicated for Tessa to sit down on the sofa. She then settled next to her, her body turned slightly towards Tessa’s in order to look at her fully. 

“Jordan told me what happened at the weekend, Tess,” Ava said softly, “between you and Scott,” she added, “she didn’t tell me the details,” she was quick to add, “and I don’t need to know them, Tess, but-”

“I know, I know,” Tessa cut her off as she shuffled closer to Ava and placed her hands on her knees, “I overreacted,” Tessa rolled her eyes at herself, “it’s all sorted now,” she assured Ava, “I’ve spoken to Gloria about it.”

“Ok,” Ava said slowly, “but Tess-”

“I may as well tell you the details,” Tessa interrupted again, “it’s silly really. We were watching a film and fell asleep. We ended up cuddling on the bed and I woke up and panicked and ran home,” Tessa’s explanation was simple, “I realise now that it was just my body on autopilot, and that it’s a situation we need to avoid in the future. I spoke to Gloria and we’re going to get some joint counselling,” Tessa’s words made it all sound so simple. For a moment, Ava was almost convinced. 

“Tess, I think the therapy is a good idea,” Ava nodded kindly, “I think it will be good for both of you.”

“It will,” Tessa agreed enthusiastically. 

“But, Tess,” Ava felt her heart beat out of time with its usual steady rhythm, “I’m not sure I see it in the way that you do,” her voice dropped as she spoke, “the relationship between you and Scott, I mean.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that I am not sure that you are just friends,” Ava’s words came slowly and carefully, “that perhaps you’re more than that.”

“No,” Tessa’s words were like the recoiling of a hand from a flame, “we haven’t-”

“No, Tess, I know that,” Ava assured her, “I trust you,” she added, “but I wonder whether you are really aware of the nature of your relationship with Scott.”

“We’re friends,” Tessa insisted. 

“Now,” Ava countered, “but I think in time you will see things more clearly.”

“Ava, you’ve got it wrong,” Tessa’s voice started to sound strained. 

“You’re right,” Ava rubbed her hand across her face, “I’m sorry,” she added, “I shouldn’t tell you how you’re feeling, or try to predict the future,” she spoke to herself as much as to Tess, “I can only focus on the here and now and on how I feel,” she placed her hands on Tessa’s where they lay on her knees, “I can only say what I feel, Tess,” she repeated as she looked into Tessa’s eyes, “and I feel that you cannot keep the promise that you made to me.”

“About not loving Scott?”

“About being honest with yourself.”

“I am being honest!”

“I don’t doubt that,” Ava put her head in her hands, “this is so difficult,” she said quietly into her hands, “because I want to believe in what you are saying,” she explained, “and I know you believe what you’re saying - I know you’re not lying to me,” she went on, “but I can also see what is happening, from the outside I can see what is happening and I know where it will end,” Ava felt confliction run through her. Her understanding of herself and of the world around her told her that she couldn’t tell other people how they felt, and that she couldn’t predict or control the future - all of these things formed her beliefs, her way of life and her inner peace. However, she was also sitting in front of a woman who she knew was clouded and confused. There was no doubt in her mind that Scott and Tessa were in love with each other and that they belonged together. It was both a future she had no right to predict and a feeling so intuitive she couldn’t ignore it.   
“Ava,” Tessa’s voice reached out to her, “I’m not in love with Scott.”

They were the words that sealed it. They were the words that told Ava to follow her instinct. They were the words that tore her heart from her chest. 

“I can’t stay,” the words trembled from her lips. 

“What do you mean?” Tessa inched closer, almost putting herself on Ava’s lap. 

“I can’t stay with you,” Ava closed her eyes as she spoke to stop the tears from falling and so that she didn’t have to look Tessa in the eyes as she spoke. 

“Ava-” there was a note of panic in Tessa’s voice as the reality of the situation dawned. 

“I’m breaking up with you,” the words fell like stones from her mouth; heavy and destructive. She felt Tessa’s body heat against hers. Suddenly the feeling of knowing that it was the last time she would feel that warmth and smell the scent of her body made her want to cling to the woman beside her. She felt the loss all at once and her body closed the space between them and pulled Tessa’s lips into a slow kiss. She felt the tears run down her cheeks and before they exploded into saltiness on her lips. 

“No,” Tessa pushed Ava back gently, “you’re wrong.”

“I might be,” Ava wiped the tears from her cheeks as she sat up, “but I have to go with how I feel, Tess.”

“We’re working it out,” Tessa’s voice took on a note of desperation, “Scott and I,” she elaborated, “the joint counselling will work.”

“Tess, I hope it does,” Ava’s voice was watery as her eyes filled with new tears, “but I can’t be here whilst you work it out, Tess.”

“Why?” Tessa asked, “I just need a little time, I-”

“Because I love you,” the words took all of Ava’s breath from her lungs and created a silence between them, “I know we were taking it slowly,” she smiled at Tessa, “I know we were keeping it light,” she added, “and I was ok with that,” she assured Tessa, “I knew that was what you needed. But every minute I spent with you, every new thing I learned about you and every time I looked up and saw you smiling at me I fell a little deeper for you, Tess,” Ava felt raw and exposed, but the words kept flowing, “I love you,” she said simply, “I love you.”

The room fell to silence. 

“Ava-” Tessa’s own tears now rolled down her cheeks. 

“You don’t need to say anything,” Ava put out her hands to protect herself, “I don’t need you to say anything,” she added, “I’m just explaining how I feel,” she clarified, “I can’t stay with you whilst you go through this because I love you and the longer I am here the deeper that love with grow and the deeper the pain will drive into me in the end.”

“I need some time,” Tessa’s words were feeble. 

“You can’t control love, Tess,” Ava reached out to her, eager for the dying connection, “love is like life,” she explained, “it finds a way - always. Life is so powerful that it learns to adapt to survive. Animals learn to live in the world’s most inhospitable places because they are driven to adapt by the strength of life’s force - no matter what, they are driven to survive. Love is the same, Tess. You can bury it, ignore it, wish it into destruction, but it finds a way. Its route can be long and complicated and painful, but it’s a force as strong as life itself,” she looked deeply into Tessa’s eyes, “and that’s why I have to leave, Tess,” tears ran down her cheeks, “because I love you,” she stated, “and if I stay that love with adapt and change to be whatever it needs to be to survive, and it will become entwined and fused in you and then I will never be able to free myself.”

Tessa heard Ava’s words but she did not listen to them. Ava’s reasoning was simultaneously too far from her comprehension and too close to the truth she was spending all of her energy denying. They were words that would slowly reveal themselves to Tessa until she was struck with an understanding of just what Ava was giving to her, and the lesson she was teaching her. They were words the two would look back on and discuss in another life; a life not too far in the future when they would both realise the true happiness found in loving and being loved in return. 

“I love you,” Tessa’s words pierced the silence. 

“Tess,” Ava shook her head and took Tessa’s hands in hers, “Tess, I wish that were true,” her heart shot through with pain at the thought of hearing those words as truth. 

“I don’t love him, I promise.”

Ava let the words go, she let them float into the air above them. She wanted to tell Tessa to stop making promises she couldn’t keep, but she knew that would only lead them into the same dead end that Tessa was already stuck in. 

“I admire you, Tess,” Ava smiled, “for everything that you have done,” she stroked Tessa’s arm with her hand, “you’re so strong. Your career, your fitness,” she started, “but most of all for all that you have been through and come back from. You’re on a journey,” Ava smiled kindly, “and I have been a part of that,” she nodded, “and I am grateful to have been, but this is where my part in your journey ends,” she told Tessa as she watched the tears roll, “there’s so much more for you beyond this point.”

“I can do the therapy,” Tessa’s voice fell to planning mode again, “and then I can come and find you and prove to you that I don’t love him and we can go back to normal.”

Ava’s eyes dropped to her lap, “Tessa, this is not about the destination,” she frowned, “this is not about getting to a point,” she explained, “the journey is the key,” she raised her head and fixed her eyes on Tessa as she spoke with more force, “you need to focus on the journey - that’s where the power and the wisdom are. It’s scary, I know, to journey without an end point, but it’s the only way to truly open yourself up to the truth. Destinations make you hurry past all the things you need to learn, and so they are never what you think they are from afar.”

The words settled in Tessa’s mind. They secured invisible roots deep beneath her mind. They were the roots of understanding and truth that would lead to the great gratitude that Tessa would come to hold for Ava and the part she played in her life. They were roots they would discuss as they sat together in the garden of Tessa’s and Scott’s house in Ilderton and shared a bottle of wine as they watched the sun set. 

“I need to leave,” Ava knew that the separation had to happen. Mentally she had moved away, and now all that was left was to wrench her body from the moment and walk away. Tessa leant forward and pressed her lips to Ava’s. The response was instant and slow and careful. Ava closed her eyes and savoured the last touch of Tessa’s lips. The lips of the woman she loved. She breathed in as she felt the softness for the final time. For Ava the kiss was a final farewell; a parting kiss and a bruising scar. To Tessa it was a promise of determination to herself. It was a moment that started a downward spiral of lies and deception. As she moved her lips against Ava’s she promised herself that she would do all she could to prove to Ava that she did not love Scott. She would win her back - she just needed time. 

Ava put her hands on Tessa’s shoulders and pushed her lightly in order to break the contact. 

“I have to go,” her words were watery. She stood suddenly as she allowed her feet to take over and make their way through the house she had come to know so well. She opened the door and exited into the blinding sunlight. She fell back against the door for a moment, its strong wood the final moment of connection. She wiped her eyes, straightened her back and walked away. She got into her car, started the engine and looked forward. She couldn’t bear to look back. 

Tessa sat motionless for a moment. The world faded from her vision and she moved inside her mind. She felt a wave of sadness rise in her chest. It threatened to break and unleash its mighty power, frothing and crashing into the light. Her mind could not allow it; she would drown in the truth if it washed onto the shore. She gripped the sofa as she held it back. Her mind rose with strength and resolve and pushed to the surface. She felt a sense of power as she rose to the call of her mind. She needed a plan. She had it right there in her hands. She would work with Scott. She would make their friendship clear and she would get Ava back. Ava would see it. She would see the progress. Just like Ava said - she would focus on the journey, she would learn, and then Ava would come back to her because she loved her. 

Her phone rang and pulled her back to the room around her. 

“Hey, Tess,” Jordan’s voice was low and calm, “you ok?” she asked. Ava had text to let her know that she had left, and Jordan wanted to check in with Tessa straight away and to let her know that she was on her way over. 

“I’m good,” Tessa’s voice was calm, but there was a ripple of the excited energy beneath it that had vibrated through her earlier in the day. 

“You’ve spoken to Ava?” Jordan was a little taken aback by her sister’s tone. 

“She’s just left,” Tessa informed Jordan. 

“I’m sorry, Tess.”

“It’s fine.”

“I’m on my way over now.”

“Why?”

“To be with you, I thought-”

“I’m fine,” Tessa repeated, “we’re fine.”

“I thought…,” Jordan was overwhelmed with confusion. 

“We spoke about the weekend,” Tessa explained, “and we’re going to break up for a while whilst I sort things out with Scott.”

“Oh,” Jordan wondered whether she had misinterpreted Ava’s text. It had been brief - just the information that she had left Tessa’s, “ok.”

“I need to call Scott and sort out some joint counselling.”

“Ok,” Jordan felt as if she was several chapters behind in the story. 

“Then once that is sorted I can show Ava that I am ready to love her.”

“Tess-”

“Look, Jord,” Tess stood from the sofa and walked back to the kitchen, “I am really grateful for your help and for talking to Ava, you know that,” Tessa sipped at her red wine, “but you’re pregnant,” she stated, “you don’t need the stress of my drama right now,” she laughed, “I’ve got it all sorted,” she assured Jordan, “you just focus on growing my new little niece of nephew!”

Jordan was silent on the other end of the phone. She knew there was a point at which she had to leave Tess to her life and her relationship. If she and Ava had managed to find a way to work things out, then that was good news to her. She knew that Ava was good for Tess, and she wanted their relationship to work. 

“Ok,” she answered finally, her tone closer to that of her sister’s, “ok,” she repeated, “I will do no more,” she smiled down the phone, “but you know that I am here if you need me, right?”

“Of course,” Tessa smiled as she perched on one of the kitchen’s bar stools, “I need to call Scott now,” she told Jordan, “need to arrange some counselling sessions.”

“Ok,” Jordan nodded on the other end of the phone, “that sounds healthy and positive.”

“It is,” Tessa’s voice chimed. 

“Well, I will leave you to it, then,” Jordan declared, “speak to you later.”

“Speak you later, Jord,” Tessa responded, “love you.”

“Love you, too, Tess.”

The line went dead and there was a moment of silence before Tessa set the music to blaring once more and then returned her attention to her phone. She found Scott’s number and started to punch at the letters on the screen.

_ Tess: Sorry about the weekend. What a drama queen! Can we meet for lunch tomorrow so that we can talk about it? _

Message sent. Plan in action. 

Tessa set to dancing around her kitchen filled with a vibrating excitement that kept the grainy truth banished to beneath a swirling and dangerous surface.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so the lies thicken and the danger grows. This is going to be a terrible fall when it comes.


	49. Chapter Forty Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short one for you today. I know you all want to know what she says to Scott.

The frantic energy and excitement that had pumped through Tessa’s veins the previous day had started to settle and subside. Perhaps it was due to the fact that she had a plan in place -being in control calmed and steadied her. Or perhaps it was the fact that making her way up Scott’s driveway and to his front door took her closer to her solid ground and his calming influence. 

“Hey,” Scott opened the door with a smile that was genuine but cautious and unsure of the reaction it was going to receive. 

“Hi,” Tessa’s smile was sweet but muted. Things were awkward between them, and she needed to resolve that if she was going to be able to straighten their friendship out and get on with her life with Ava. 

“Come in,” Scott stood back from the door in order to give her space to enter the house. There was a level of formality in the action that jarred with the friendship they both wanted to cultivate. “I’m in the garden,” Scott pointed down the hallway and towards the kitchen where the patio doors were fully open and letting in the warm day. 

Tessa made her way through the hallway and into the kitchen, “smells amazing in here,” she commented as the smell of freshly baked bread hit her nostrils and sent a rumble through her stomach. 

“Lunch is almost ready,” Scott smiled as he felt things between them ease ever so slightly, “go out and take a seat,” he encouraged, “I’ll bring it out.”

Tessa stepped out into the sun. The garden looked a little different to the last time she had seen it. Scott had added a child’s play area with a swing, slide and bark chippings on the floor. There was also a large paddling pool not yet filled but big enough for several adults. In the corner of the garden he had worked to clear a small patch of land. She looked out over the garden and imagined the happy childhood Nate was set to spend in it. 

“There we go,” Scott placed a plate of tuna salad and crumbled cheese in front of her. 

“Thanks,” Tessa smiled as she watched him place his own plate down across the table from hers, “this looks great.”

“I’ll just grab the bread,” Scott hopped back indoors and appeared with a basket of freshly baked rolls, “dig in,” he declared with wide and hungry eyes. 

“The garden looks fantastic,” Tessa said as she took a role and cut it in half before spreading it with butter that melted into its softness, “you’ve been busy.”

“I wanted it to be a space for Nate to really enjoy,” Scott smiled as he speared a piece of tomato and popped it into his mouth. 

For a moment they ate in silence as words unsaid above them. 

“About the weekend,” Tessa plunged into the conversation, “I’m sorry,” she started, “for my behaviour.”

“It’s ok,” Scott said kindly, “you had me pretty worried, though.”

“I know,” Tessa felt a blush creep up her cheeks, “I was rather dramatic!”

Scott didn’t respond, unsure of how to reply to Tessa’s mix of honesty and self-deprecation. 

“At the time I was scared and I panicked,” she explained honestly, “but once I’d had time to think I realised that I had overreacted and that it was an inevitable situation.”

Scott nodded gently to show that he was listening, but also giving her the space she needed to talk. He knew that once Tessa started to talk she needed time and space to talk through what she was thinking. Interrupting her created frustration and confusion in her and left her unable to say what she needed to. 

“When I woke up and felt you there,” she went on, “I just had this flash back to the past,” she said honestly as the words came calmly, “and it just scared me,” she shrugged her shoulders as she spoke, “and I ran from it,” it was all so simple in her mind now, “after what happened before,” she explained, “after we broke up,” the words were said quickly as she skated past the pain and darkness that was truly at the root of her behaviour, “I felt the past and I panicked. It wasn’t until I had the time to think that I realised it was our bodies reacting without our minds. Just an automatic response.”

Scott shuffled the food around his plate as he listened carefully to what she was saying. 

“Our bodies have always been so in sync,” Tessa went on, “and I suppose when we were competing and when we were younger that was ok, but now we want to be friends it’s something we need to work out how to navigate,” she scooped a piece of cheese onto her fork and popped it into her mouth to indicate that she had finished speaking. 

“I understand,” Scott replied calmly, “I was surprised, obviously,” he added, “waking up in the dark and feeling you there, but I didn’t think much of it,” he admitted, “it’s something we’ve always done, even when we were young.”

Tessa’s brow furrowed as she ate and thought about what Scott had said. Scott gave her room to process what he’d said. He knew her response would come. 

“I’m not sure it’s something we should be doing now,” Tessa said finally. 

“I can agree with that,” Scott nodded, “I think it was different when we were younger,” he went on, “and obviously when we were together,” he added, “but perhaps we need for the lines to be clearer now.”

“That’s exactly what I think,” Tessa replied quickly, “we need boundaries.”

“Agreed,” Scott smiled as he continued to eat. 

“We’ve not really had them before.”

“And if they were there we ignored them,” Scott giggled slightly. 

“We need to both be clear.”

“I think that would be healthy.”

“Ok,” Tessa felt a wave of calm relief wash over her. She’d been sure Scott would agree with her thoughts, but to hear him confirm that he saw things as she did gave her a sense of peace, “how would you feel about some joint therapy?” Tessa asked gently, “just to sort this out,” she clarified. 

Scott stopped and thought for a moment, “I think that could be a good idea,” he said after thinking about the proposal, “I mean, it’s worked for us before.”

“That’s what I was thinking,” Tessa smiled, “and it would be very goal orientated,” her voice fell into ‘planning mode’ as she spoke, “so we would be clear about what we’re working towards, and we know we work best together when we have a goal.”

“A golden goal,” Scott grinned. 

“This would be our new golden goal,” Tessa grinned back. 

“Ok,” Scott’s voice was light as he felt the awkward heaviness that had invaded when they first greeted each other fall away completely, “do you have anyone in mind?”

“Well, my therapist - Gloria - offered to arrange an appointment with her husband, Mark,” Tessa offered, “no obligation, just to meet him and see if we think we’d be a good fit.”

“Ok,” Scott nodded at the idea. 

“And we should keep our individual sessions with our own therapists,” Tessa advised, “so that we have somewhere to process, you know?”

“Yes,” Scott nodded, “I get a lot out of seeing Adam, and I wouldn’t want that to stop.”

Tessa nodded and smiled as she tucked into the remainder of her food. She felt so at ease beneath the sun with Scott. There was something settling and settled about the air between them. 

“I’ll arrange a session,” she said lightly, “and send you the time and date?”

“Great,” Scott smiled across at her, the smile in his eyes reaching hers and creating a connection between them. They both held the feeling for a moment before returning to their food 

“So, you’re looking pretty well set up here,” Tessa indicated towards the house with her fork, “have you got a moving in day planned?”

“The end of this week, actually,” Scott said excitedly, “I am going to move the rest of my stuff over on Thursday morning and then have the night here with Nate before he goes to New York.”

“Sounds perfect.”

“It really does.”

“How was he at the weekend?” Tessa asked, “his first trip?”

“He had a great time,” Scott smiled, “he was dead beat when I went to meet him at the airport. I think Jena had tried to make up for lost time.”

“That’s good to hear.”

“Talking about moving house,” Scott spoke as the thought came to him, “did you get Marie an Patch’s email and their new address?”

“Yes!” Tessa had totally forgotten about the email from their friends, “I didn’t know they were moving to France permanently.”

“Neither did I,” Scott shook his head, “I think they’ve actually sold up here in Canada.”

“They didn’t mention it at the party.”

“No,” Scott’s tone was laced with confusion, “Billie is studying in Germany now, so perhaps they thought they’d like to be closer to her,” Scott hypothesised. 

“And they’re not working anymore,” Tessa added more logic to the idea. 

“I suppose it makes sense,” Scott said lightly, “it’s where they think of as home.”

Tessa nodded in response before placing her knife and fork onto her plate, “that was delicious, thank you,” she smiled. 

“You’re welcome,” Scott smiled back. 

They sat for a moment in the peace of each other’s company. It was the most peaceful Tessa had been for a few days and she enjoyed the feeling of calm. In her mind, it was a peace created by a plan in place and control gained. In reality, in her soul, it was a peace created by the initiation of the journey that would lay the past to rest and birth a beautiful future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter - Scott's session with Adam.


	50. Chapter Fifty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Scott's take on the weekend. It's interesting to see which bits of information and story they have each focused on.

“Hi,” Adam smiled kindly as he and Scott settled into their chairs, “it’s good to see you, Scott.”

“Feels good to be here,” Scott smiled in response as he took a sip of the water that Adam had already prepared for him.

Adam gave Scott a moment to drink his water and settle into the session. 

“So,” Adam said softly, “I think you were facing a pretty significant weekend the last time we spoke. How did that go?”

Scott chuckled lightly, “it was eventful,” he said behind his laughter. 

“Oh?” Adam met Scott’s chuckle with wide eyes and soft laughter of his own, “were things more complicated with Jena and Nate than you had expected?”

“No, no,” Scott was quick to answer, “actually, it all went a lot better than I had anticipated.”

“Good.”

“Yeah,” Scott continued, “I really enjoyed the flight with Nate, but I was dreading the emotion that I thought I was going to be overwhelmed by once we got off the plane and went to meet with Jena, and then having to leave him in the airport, but it was nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be,” Scott went on, “I mean, there was emotion,” he explained, “but not like I expected.”

“What emotion would you say was involved?”

“Actually,” Scott took another sip of water as he spoke, “I just had this overwhelming feeling of protection towards Nate,” he explained, “once we were off the plane and in the airport I just felt the need to keep him safe and protect him.”

“Protect him from what?”

“The world,” Scott said as he thought about the question, “people, cameras.”

“I see,” Adam nodded, “that exposure makes you feel nervous for him?”

“Just because I don’t want him to be exposed to it against his will,” Scott explained, “I want him to retain that choice.”

“That seems fair,” Adam assured him, “and were there any issues?”

“No,” Scott shook his head, “we were pretty protected, we were separated from the main population of the airport,” Scott explained, “but I was just overly aware of it.”

Adam sat still and gave Scott the time to process his words and thoughts.

“And the meeting with Jena?” Adam asked. 

“That was fine,” Scott informed him, “they were both so happy to see each other.”

“And how did that make you feel?”

“Sad in a way, I suppose.”

“Sad?”

“It just reminded me how important they are to each other’s lives,” Scott’s voice dropped a little as he spoke, “I know that they are mother and son and that’s important, of course - it wasn’t something new that I was learning. It’s just that I get so comfortable having him with me and in my world with my family around me that it can be easy to forget that it is important for him to have a life with Jena, too.”

“It can be difficult to imagine something that you’re not a part of.”

“It can,” Scott agreed, “but seeing them together in the airport reminded me of what it was like when we were a family and what a good mom Jena is, and I want to make sure that I am not taking that opportunity away from her.”

“Are you?”

“I don’t think so,” Scott replied, “we have our arrangements and she seems fine with that.”

“So you’re doing what you agreed on?”

“We are.”

Adam allowed a moment for Scott to think about what had been said, and to reflect on the fact that he was doing exactly as he had agreed he would with Jena. 

“And what about leaving Nate?” Adam asked, “what were you feeling then?”

“That was tough,” Scott didn’t need any time to think about his response to the question, “for me,” he added, “Nate was pretty unfazed by it.”

“How did you feel?”

“Bereft,” Scott nodded with resignation as he spoke, “I felt like I’d lost something.”

“Grief?”

“I suppose so, yes.”

“And how did you deal with that?”

“I think I just put all of my focus on my actions,” Scott explained to Adam and to himself, “I headed for the train and I just kept my focus on my path, my feet, getting to my destination.”

“You focused on the moment?”

“I suppose I did, yes,” Scott marvelled at the way Adam always seemed to make him see the blindingly obvious even though he himself could not see it. 

“And how did you feel once you were on the train?”

“To be honest,” Scott shrugged his shoulders lightly, “I just didn’t allow myself to feel anything,” Scott explained, “the first journey was pretty short and I just fixed my eyes on the window and watched the world zip by.”

“What did you fear feeling?”

Scott was silent as the question hit his chest. He took a moment to think. He knew he was safe and knew that he could think about how he would have felt without the danger of really experiencing the emotion. 

“That I was travelling away from him,” he said finally, “that the space between us was increasing with every second that passed.”

“That would have been a lot to deal with.”

“Yeah,” Scott nodded, “and I was alone, you know?”

“Emotions can be overwhelming when you’re alone.”

“They can,” Scott agreed, “sometimes I need her to...I need someone to talk to.” 

The slip didn’t escape Adam’s notice, but he let it pass. There was little ambiguity over who he was referring to.

“Someone to help you regulate?”

“Sure,” Scott nodded, “just to give me perspective.”

“And did you reach out?”

“Well, I had to text Tessa to let her know that I was on the train because she was picking me up,” Scott replied with an air of simplicity, “so I was able to mention it then.”

“And did her response help?”

“Yeah,” Scott nodded, “just sharing really helped.”

“That’s good.”

“And did you carry the feelings into the weekend, or did they change?”

“Well,” Scott started, “once I was away from the airport and focused on the weekend I thought about him a lot to begin with and then as time passed and I realised that no news was good news, I started to think more about the fact that I would have weekends without dad duties and that I would have some time to myself, and I started to like the idea of that.”

“That’s positive,” Adam smiled.

“It was still difficult,” Scott commented, “there was a moment that left quite an impression on me,” Scott explained, “I was with my friend, Chiddy, and he was asking about Nate, and I was showing him pictures and I realised that many of my friends have never even met Nate.”

“Ok.”

“And it just made me sad,” Scott said honestly, “and filled with regret.”

“Regret?”

“That I have become so disconnected from my friends.”

“Why has that happened?”

“Well, partly because we’re all doing our own thing now, things outside of skating or in different places,” he explained, “but largely because I moved away and disconnected.”

“You were creating a life and a family.”

“I know,” Scott rubbed at his forehead with his fingers and Adam could tell they were talking about something that Scott had been battling with, “but it feels like I have separated myself from the people I used to consider my family.”

“Does the distance stop them being your family?”

“Not in my heart,” the words were quiet and delicate, “but one of my best friends has never even met my son,” his final words felt devastating. 

“Is that something you can put right?”

“It’s something I want to.”

“Then you can?”

“Then I will!” Scott felt a wave of positivity flood through him. 

“Did you talk to Tessa about how you felt in that moment?”

“Hmm,” Scott raised his eyebrows and a morose grin pulled at his lips, “she wasn’t there,” he informed Adam, “at the party,” he explained, “that leads us to the eventful part of the weekend!”

“Oh?”

“So,” Scott took a deep breath before he started talking, “we had both decided to travel on the Friday, so we stayed at a hotel in Philly.”

“The same hotel?”

“Yes,” Scott confirmed, “we drove there together, had dinner, drank what was probably too much wine,” Scott admitted.

“Ok.”

“We were eating in my room because the hotel didn’t have a restaurant,” Scott explained, “and after dinner we watched a film,” Scott went on, “we sat on the bed to watch it because the TV was in the bedroom.”

“Right.”

“We’d both had a bit to drink and we’d both flown that day and we fell asleep.”

“In bed?”

“On the bed,” Scott was quick to correct Adam. 

“Ok.”

“I don’t think either of us realised we had fallen asleep,” Scott informed Adam as he went on with story, “and then the next thing I know it’s dark and I wake up curled around her,” Scott’s explanation of the situation was straightforward and simple, “I felt her move,” he explains, “I thought she was still asleep,” he added, “and then all of a sudden she’s pushing me off her, on her feet and gathering her bag.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that,” Scott confirmed, “she could barely see what she was doing in the dark, but within seconds she was out of the room.”

“Gosh.”

“I was so disorientated at the time,” Scott shook his head slightly as he spoke, “but I supposed that she was reacting to us waking up like that.”

“Curled around each other?”

“Yeah,” Scott nodded, “I automatically assumed that she’d gone back to her own room. So I tried to speak to her but there was no answer.”

“What did you do?” Adam felt himself being drawn into the story. 

“I spoke through the door to her - well, I thought I was speaking through the door to her!”

“She wasn’t in there?”

“No,” Scott confirmed, “but I didn’t find that out until the next morning.”

“What did you say when you were stood at her door?”

“That I we needed to talk, but that it was up to her when that happened,” Scott responded, “I didn’t know what else to do,” he shrugged as he spoke, “so I just assured her that everything could happen in her time and how she needed it.”

“That was a very calm response.”

“She seemed so freaked out,” Scott shook his head slightly as if he still didn’t fully understand Tessa’s reaction, “I was worried.”

“I can imagine,” Adam assured Scott that his feelings were valid, “and how did you feel about the event itself?”

“Waking up next to her like that?”

“Yes,” Adam confirmed, “about finding yourself curled up with her.”

“I didn’t really have much of a reaction,” Scott’s words were honest and simple, “it’s something we’ve always done,” he expanded with a shrug of his shoulders. 

“Slept together like that?”

“Yes,” Scott put his hands palm up in front of him as he spoke, “ever since we were kids.”

“And as adults?”

“Sure,” Scott nodded, “it was comfort, and then a habit.”

“And when you were having sex?”

“Before we were a couple?”

“Let’s start with that.”

“When we had sex before we were a couple we used to sleep like that, too,” Scott answered.

“And once you were a couple?” 

“It was a bit different then,” Scott nodded, “more intimate.”

“Ok,” Adam nodded as he took in the information. 

“So, to you, it was something you’d always done as friends and so there wasn’t anything to react to?”

“I think not so much that it was something we’d always done,” Scott explained in response, “but rather that it was just a habit, an automatic response by our bodies.”

“I see,” Adam nodded, “like your bodies were just acting on their own?”

“Exactly,” Scott sipped at his water, “I didn’t think that deeply about it.”

“But Tessa reacted quite differently.”

“She did,” Scott nodded, “and I get it,” he explained, “she left straight after,” he went on with the story, “she took the first flight home.”

“But didn’t tell you?”

“No. I assumed she’d gone to the party and I was shocked when I got there and she wasn’t there.”

“Right.”

“I called her sister, Jordan because I was worried about her and I didn’t know what more I could do.”

“And Jordan found her?”

“Well, she worked out that she’d flown home and then she went to her house, but she wasn’t there.”

“Oh?”

“She has a place,” Scott extended his hand as he spoke, “a place she likes to think,” he added, “it’s a bench with a view over the city. Jordan found her there. I don’t know what happened after that because I didn’t hear from her until the next evening.”

“She got in contact?”

“She text to arrange lunch and we spoke yesterday.”

“So you’ve spoken about how she was feeling?”

“She explained that she was scared.”

“Of?”

“The past.”

“The past?”

“She said that lying together reminded her of the past and that made her scared because she had been so hurt,” Scott’s voice was a little unsteady as he spoke, “but then she said she’d realised that it was nothing more than an automatic response of our bodies and that she had overreacted.”

“So she saw it in the same way as you in the end?”

“I suppose she did,” Scott agreed, “but it’s different for Tess.”

“Different?”

“She’s been through so much,” Scott’s voice was slowly losing volume as he spoke, “after we broke up and what she went through,” Scott added, “she’s been on a painful journey.”

“And I know you’ve already told me that she is recovering from that.”

“And she is doing so well,” Scott said with a renewed energy in his voice, “and I don’t want to be the cause of her pain again.”

“Again?” Adam knew exactly what Scott was referring to but wanted to test how willing Scott was to talk about the guilt he felt concerning Tessa’s period of illness. 

“Well, it was me,” Scott lowered his eyes as he spoke, “I caused that pain before.”

“Does she see it that way?”

“No.”

“Why do you, then?”

“Because I walked away.”

It was the answer that Adam knew was coming - the one he’d heard before, and it told him that Scott was not in a place to unpick exactly what had happened at the end of their relationship and then to Tessa afterwards. 

“Anyway,” Scott shrugged off the weight that had fallen around his shoulders, “we talked it out and we’ve decided on a way forward.”

“Ok,” Adam shuffled in his chair in order to match his body language and energy to Scott’s. 

“We are both really committed to having a friendship,” Scott established, “but we know we need to accept that it is not going to be the friendship we had before. It can’t be.”

“Things are different now.”

“And so we need to create some boundaries.”

“Right.”

“Whose idea was that?”

“Well,” Scott thought for a moment, “I think Tessa said it, but I was thinking it.”

“Ok.”

“We need to make sure that we don’t allow the same situation to happen again, and in order to do that I think we need some rules.”

“Rules?”

“Rules about what we are and aren’t comfortable with.”

“Ok,” Adam nodded, “and how will you come up with those rules?”

“Well, Tessa suggested some joint therapy,” Scott responded, “it’s worked for us before.”

“When you were competing?”

“When we were focused on the Olympics.”

“I see.”

“I think we benefited from an outsider telling us what we needed to do and where we were going wrong.”

“An outside perspective can be very useful.”

“Massively,” Scott agreed, “so, Tessa has arranged a session for us,” Scott explained, “she called me this morning,” he expanded, “we have a session tomorrow afternoon with Mark Morin.”

“Mark Morin!” Adam raised his eyebrows to show how impressed he was, “only one of the best couples therapists in Canada, then?”

“Oh?” Scott had no idea Mark was so well known in therapy circles.

“How did you get to the top of that waiting list so quickly?” Adam smiled. 

“Mark’s wife is Tessa’s therapist.”

“Ah, Gloria,” Adam nodded knowingly, “she’s a lovely woman.”

“Tessa speaks highly of her,” Scott confirmed with a smile. 

“So, how do you feel about the session?” Adam asked. 

“I think it’s a good idea,” Scott smiled with positivity, “I think it could be what we need to get over this issue and get on with building a good friendship.”

“And that’s what you both want.” 

“It is,” Scott confirmed resolutely, “I just want it all to be ok for Tess,” he added, “I want her to be able to have a happy and healthy friendship and not have to worry about events like that happening again. I want her to be well and happy.”

“Right.” Adam nodded as he hide the sigh that was rising in his chest.


	51. Chapter Fifty One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we have it - their first session. I hope it was worth the wait. Remember that we have a looong road ahead of us!

Scott found Tessa signing in at the reception desk as he entered the building at the address he’d given her. 

“Hey,” she looked up from the piece of paper she was writing on and smiled at him in greeting. 

“Hi,” Scott responded, a little breathless, “I thought I was going to be late.”

“No,” Tesa smiled as she looked at her watch, “I haven’t been here long,” she smiled as she handed him the pen and moved aside slightly so that he could sign the sheet. 

“Nate decided to have a tantrum as I was trying to leave,” Scott explained as he signed his name. 

“Oh no,” there was genuine concern in Tessa’s voice, “is he ok?” she asked, “he’s not coming down with something?”

“Only terrible-twos-itis!” Scott sighed lightly as he moved away from the desk slightly, “apparently not being allowed ice cream for breakfast is a travesty.”

“It is when you’re two,” Tessa grinned. 

Scott giggled lightly, “true,” he agreed, “still,” he said as he leant against the reception desk, “he was offered plenty of alternatives, but chose no breakfast over an ice creamless one.”

“Tough love, Moir,” Tessa teased him. 

“Tessa, Scott,” Mark appeared beside them and brought the world around them back into focus, “Mark,” he extended a hand to each of them in turn, “good to meet you.”

“Good to meet you,” Scott shook Mark’s hand and felt the firm and confident grip of the other man’s fingers. 

“And we’ve met Tess,” Mark smiled, “it’s good to see you again.”

“You too,” Tessa smiled.

“Shall we go through to my office?” Mark pointed to the open door at the far side of the reception room. 

Mark’s office was painted in a light blue with cream cushions and drapes. It created an instant feeling of calm and safety. The walls held shelves filled with books, some of which, Tessa noticed, bore Mark’s name on the spine. Around the room were various objects that Mark used in his work including sand trays, art materials and a large flipchart. 

“Take a seat,” Mark motioned to the two separate arm chairs that were set up next to each other and facing his chair. The chairs that Tessa and Scott sat on had been deliberately positioned to be close to each other, but the fact that they were separate chairs allowed for each of them to feel that they had some personal space and safety. The armchairs’ high arms allowed for a sense of protection. Mark always started couples therapy with this set up and at some point in the process - when he felt that his clients were ready - he would replace them with the small sofa he kept in the storage room down the hall. To him, space and surroundings were a key element in the process of therapy. His attention to detail was one of the things that made him such a successful and highly regarded couples therapist. 

“There’s a water cooler here,” Mark spoke as he moved towards the cooler and filled two glasses, “feel free to take a top up whenever you like,” Mark smiled as he handed Scott and Tessa a glass each. They both took a sip of water before placing their glasses on the small table that sat in front of the chairs. 

“So,” Mark smiled widely as he took his seat, “this is our first session and it is time for us to set out how the sessions are going to work and what you can expect,” he explained, “I think the first thing to get out of the way is to make clear that as far as I am concerned, I don’t know anything about either of you,” Mark held his hands in his lap as he spoke, “I am not working from any previous knowledge,” he added, “what I know about you is what you tell me.”

Scott and Tessa both nodded as they listened to Mark’s words. 

“Pretty much all of my work is with couples,” Mark continued, “I have to say that I don’t often work with friends, but I do have experience of doing so,” Mark took a sip of his own water before carrying on, “perhaps one of the most important things to consider is that our sessions are likely to feel somewhat different to what you are experiencing in your individual sessions. Tessa, I know you are having therapy here. And Scott, you’re also having individual sessions with Adam Kingston, is that correct?”

“Yes,” Scott confirmed. 

“Whilst your individual sessions are very client centered and you lead the conversation and the direction of the sessions, the sessions we have will involve me having a little more input in terms of the direction we take,” Mark explained, “we will discuss your feelings and thoughts, and that will be at your own pace and in your own way. Some sessions will be more focused on strategies you can use to help you achieve what you are looking to achieve. And some sessions will be review and feedback on how you’ve used the strategies.”

Tessa and Scott smiled as they listened and gave Mark their full attention. 

“And if, later down the line, we think it’s a good idea for myself, Adam and Gloria to meet and discuss progress we can do that. But that would only be with your consent and we would be clear about the purpose of doing so,” Mark steepled his fingers in front of his as he thought, “and I think that about covers it,” he laughed lightly, “enough of me talking,” his eyes shone as he spoke, “I want to hear from both of you. How about you tell me a bit about your experience with therapy.”

Scott and Tessa looked at each other in order to establish who was going to speak for them. With a silent and mutual decision made, Tessa began speaking. 

“We’ve had couples therapy before,” she started, “when we were competing at the Olympics we had sessions to help us to understand each other and to better understand how to meet the other’s needs so that we could really connect on the ice, and also so that we could support each other through the process of being at the Olympics. We found that really rewarding and helpful. We learnt a lot about each other and it made our performances better and gave us a good understanding of what the other was experiencing.”

Mark nodded. 

“And I think it was similar to what you were describing,” Scott added, “in that our therapist guided us and helped to shape where we were headed in the sessions.”

“And we had strategies to use and test,” Tessa stated. 

“And individually?” Mark enquired. 

“We had that on and off in our early career,” Scott informed him, “and then during the last Olympics we had more regular sessions.”

“They were helpful, too,” Tessa confirmed, “it was good to have someone to talk to who was removed from the whole experience.”

“Someone not close to the team,” Scott added as he turned to check in with Tessa.

“Yeah,” Tessa nodded in agreement. 

“So you’ve had quite positive experiences of joint therapy in the past?”

Tessa and Scott didn’t need to look at each other as they nodded in unison. 

“Ok, great,” Mark smiled, “so what brings you here today?” his voice dropped to a more serious tone as he asked the question. 

Scott and Tessa looked over at each again. The decision took longer this time, but it was decided that Scott would be the one to take the lead. 

“Well,” Scott pulled at the knees of his chinos as he settled into the story he knew needed to be told. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed Tessa’s head drop slightly as her eyes found the pattern of her dress, “we’ve always been friends,” he started, “from a young age. We’ve grown together through all of the most significant moments in our lives - teenage years, being junior competitors, our twenties and then our final win,” he felt his throat dry a little as he spoke, “and as we grew older things became layered on top of our friendship - we were skating partners, business partners, and then lovers,” he took a sip of water after the final word left his mouth, “and then we parted,” he went on, “and we had a period of time when we weren’t in contact,” Mark couldn’t help but detect the tremble in Scott’s voice as he spoke, “and now we are both back at home and in contact again and we’re friends again.”

Mark crossed one leg over the other and trained his eyes on Scott. He knew, from the way Scott was holding himself, that there was more to be heard. 

“So,” the silence prompted Scott to continue, “we have been spending more time together. At the weekend we spent the night away in a hotel,” Scott felt a bead of sweat on his back as he spoke, “we had drinks and dinner and then feel asleep on the bed and-”

“We were watching a film,” Tessa lifted her head to add. 

“Yes,” Scott continued, “we were watching a film,” he clarified, “and we fell asleep and we ended up close to each other.”

“Close to each other?” Mark questioned. 

“Cuddling,” Scott almost grimaced as he said it, “and we know that’s not something that friends do,” Scott continued, “and we know that it was our bodies acting on an old habit,” he stated, “and we want to be able to have a friendship where we are in control and don’t need to worry about our bodies acting like that.”

Mark nodded slightly as he rubbed the pads of his thumbs against each other in thought.

“And how did you both react to that? Mark asked after some thought. 

“I didn’t react well,” Tessa stated, “I freaked out and ran off.”

“I can’t really say how I reacted,” Scott said honestly. 

“Because you were reacting to Tessa’s reaction?”

“Probably.”

“Ok, so, Tessa, do you know why you ran off?”

“I just had this overwhelming sense of the past,” she explained, “and I was caught off-guard by it.”

Mark could see from the look on her face that he had been given half of an explanation, and he filled it away for discussion in a later session. 

“You said it was an old habit,” he stated, “so it’s something that you’ve done a lot in the past?”

“Yes,” Scott confirmed. 

“So sharing a bed has been something pretty commonplace in your relationship?”

“We spent a lot of time away from home from a young age,” Tessa explained, “and when we were young it was a way of comforting each other.”

“And then it became routine, almost.” Scott looked to Tess in order to confirm that she agreed with his statement. 

“Yes, I’d agree with that,” Tessa nodded, “the world of competition can be really tough and lonely,” she added, “and I think I’d say that it developed because Scott wanted to comfort me,” her voice had a tone of vulnerability as she spoke. 

“I needed comfort from you too, T,” Scott’s words came quickly as he turned to look at Tessa. They shared a quick smile before they felt the room around them and brought themselves back to the moment. 

“Ok,” Mark smiled, “well I think you’ve been honest there, and I think there’s plenty for us to work on. I would say that your situation is a little unusual. Usually when I work with friends they are usually people who have been in a relationship together and then want to remain friends - which is not too dissimilar to you, but you have a long running and complex relationship, so that is a little different. However, I am sure we can work together,” he watched as Tessa and Scott visibly relaxed in front of him, “what I would like to know a little more about is the nature of your intimate and romantic relationship with each other. Scott, you referred to being ‘lovers’ what did you mean by that?”

“Erm,” Scott ran his fingers through his hair as he spoke, “well, from our early twenties we were intimate with each other.”

“You had sex regularly?”

“Yes,” Scott confirmed. 

“Consistently?” Mark asked, “or sex was a feature of your relationship at some times and not others?”

“Sometimes and not others,” Tessa confirmed, “we never slept together if one of us was in a relationship.”

“And perhaps we did more so when we were facing a big competition,” Scott’s words were a question directed at Tessa more than anything. 

“Yes,” Tessa nodded, “I think we leant on each other more then.”

“And then, after the Olympics we decided to become a couple,” Scott explained. 

“So you spent a period of time in a committed relationship?”

“Yes,” they both confirmed.

“And when you talked about parting, you were referring to the dissolution of that relationship?”

Mark noticed how the two dropped their heads and only nodded in response. It was enough to tell him that the end of their relationship was an event that they would need to explore in detail. He knew he needed to be delicate and to develop a relationship with his clients before delving into something that was likely to cause them pain. 

“So, you’re looking to establish a new relationship then,” he appraised. 

“A new friendship,” Tessa nodded, happy to be back on task and working towards their goal. She knew that working through some of their past and issues needed to be a feature of setting the boundaries of their new friendship, but she was also eager to get on with the task at hand so that she and Scott could move forward and she could get on with her life with Ava. 

“We know that we need to do some things differently,” Scott confirmed. 

“We need rules,” Tessa stated. 

“Ok,” Mark smiled as he got to his feet, “let’s make a start on this today,” he declared as he pulled the flipchart and stand into the middle of the room. He flipped the first piece of paper over and grabbed a marker. He drew three lines down the length of the paper in order to create three columns, “this column,” he informed them as he wrote above the first column, “is going to be a list of the behaviours and actions associated with what we will call your ‘old friendship’. And this one,” he moved his pen to write above the second column, “this is going to be the behaviours and actions associated with your romantic relationship. And I’m talking here about the time you spent together as a committed couple. And this column,” he wrote above the final column, “this is the list that pertains to the behaviours and actions that you want to establish in your new friendship.”

Tessa smiled and nodded with enthusiasm as she saw the clear organistion on the flipchart. She could feel the plan she wanted so badly to work becoming a reality. 

“We’re not going to fill all of this in today,” Mark informed them, “we are going to be adding to it as our sessions progress,” he explained, “and remember that it is a dynamic list. Relationships change, so it might be that we decide to put something on one list and then feel later on that it needs to be removed or altered, and that’s ok.”

“Right,” Scott acknowledged. 

“So,” Mark began, “let’s start with the weekend,” he suggested, “what took place over the weekend - behaviours, situations, actions, feelings that you think we need to consider for these lists?”

“Well the obvious is probably not sharing a bed,” Scott offered, “in the new friendship column.”

“Ok,” Mark turned to the column marked ‘new friendship’ and spoke as he wrote, “so in your new friendship you wouldn’t expect to be in bed together.”

“We were on the bed,” both voices chimed in unison. A silence fell in which they both felt a little awkward. 

“We..,” Scott recovered his composure, “we were sitting on the bed,” he explained, “not in it.”

Mark pushed the lid back into the pen with a click, “what’s the difference?” his question was kind but direct and his eyes stayed on them after he spoke. 

“Erm…,” Scott took the lead, “well,” he struggled for words, “being in bed, well-”

“It implies a level of intimacy,” Tessa finished for him, “a level of intimacy that you would expect from a romantic relationship and not a friendship.”

“Yeah,” Scott nodded in Tessa’s direction in acknowledgement of her explanation and also to show his agreement. 

“So,” Mark uncapped the pen again, “being in bed together would be in this list,” he pointed at the list dedicated to elements of their romantic relationship.”

“Yes, I think so,” Scott responded, “T?” he checked her agreement. 

“Absolutely,” she confirmed. 

Mark added the words to the list and ignored the temptation to suggest that it would also be in the ‘old friendship’ list given that they had sex as friends before being in a relationship. However, his aim was not to get into the complicated detail of the past, but rather to make a start on establishing something that the pair could work from. He had no doubt that they would need to explore the finer details of both past relationships, but it was not something he wanted to pursue in their first session. 

“And being together ‘on’ a bed,” he posed, “where does that belong?”

“I think we’ve proven it doesn’t belong on the new friendship list,” Tessa quipped. 

Scott couldn’t help but grin - she’d always had such a captivating sense of humor, even if it was only him who ever really got to see it. 

“Spot on, T.”

“Does that mean it belongs on the ‘old friendship’ list, then?” Mark asked. 

Tessa and Scott both nodded in agreement as Mark added it to the list. 

“Do friends visit each other’s bedrooms often?” Mark asked as he posed another simple yet direct question that forced his clients to think. 

“I suppose not,” Scott blew his cheeks out as he spoke - he was becoming increasingly sure that therapists were actually just magicians flying under the radar.

“In fact,” Mark smiled, “as the father of a teenage girl, I would say that friends and bedrooms are something from your teenage years?”

Tessa and Scott nodded in unison, “that’s a fair comment,” Scott agreed. 

“And something we did a lot when we were teenagers,” Tessa offered.

“So that belongs on the old friendship list?” Mark asked in order to secure their agreement before writing it onto the paper, “really,” Mark turned to look at them again, “as an adult, bedrooms are really for individuals and lovers, would you agree?”

“I think that sounds sensible,” Tessa responded as she looked at Scott in order to meet the agreement she knew she would find on his face. 

“Yep,” Scott agreed, “let’s put that on the ‘new friendship’ list,” he suggested. 

“That’s a good idea,” Tessa agreed, “no going in each other’s bedrooms.”

Mark, happy that they were starting to guide the session and the compilation of the lists, turned to the board and wrote down their first new friendship rule, “so we have one new rule,” he smiled back at them, “let’s try to decide on one more in this session,” he suggested, “let’s go back to the weekend again. What else do you think we should consider?”

There was silence in the room as thoughts ran through the two conflicted and confused minds. There was so much to unpack from the weekend, and somethings that were still very much off limits for conversation. 

“Tess, you look like you want to say something but you’re unsure,” Mark observed.

“I…,” Tessa felt Mark and Scott’s eyes on her, “it’s-”

“T, it’s ok,” Scott smiled over at her, “say what you feel,” he encouraged, “don’t worry about what I will think - we’re here for help and to get through this.”

Tessa made eye contact with him as she searched them to check that he was being genuine and honest. It was an automatic response, one far more intimate than spooning on a hotel bed, but it was one that they were not ready to give up, one that their souls knew they needed if they had any hope of finding a way through their issues. It was their form of communication crafted over two decades and the way they relied on to seek the comfort and confidence they needed from each other. It did not escape Mark’s notice and he knew that it was something that he would need to tackle and eliminate at some point if the pair were serious about being friends, and only friends. 

“It’s just,” Tessa took a breath before she began, “when we were on the bed, Scott touched my knee,” she explained, “it was just to show me support and comfort in relation to something that we had spoken about earlier,” she added quickly, “but I suppose, looking back now, it was just so natural and something that we wouldn’t really think about,” she went on, “and I just wonder how much that would really feature in a friendship.”

Scott smiled at her and bobbed his head slightly to tell her that what she said was fine. 

“Can I ask what you were talking about previously that prompted that?” Mark deliberately phrased his question in order to give a choice about how much they divulged to him. The absence of detail in the initial explanation told him that it wasn’t something that Tessa necessarily wanted to talk about. 

An anxious look settled on Tessa’s face. Scott instinctively reached out a hand to rest on her arm. He remembered, just before making contact with her skin, and pulled it back. 

“It’s totally up to you,” he told her, his voice lowered to a private whisper. 

Mark watched the scene in front of him and the complexity of what he was faced with started to dawn. 

“It’s ok,” he said kindly, “we don’t need details at this point,” he assured them, “can you tell me whether the topic of conversation related to your old friendship or your romantic relationship?”

“Erm,” Scott struggled, “well, it was before we were a couple,” he explained, “but it concerned a time we were sleeping together.”

“Having sex, you mean?” Mark clarified - beds and sleeping seemed to have a whole definition of their own in the world of his clients. 

“Yes,” Scott confirmed. 

“Ok,” Mark nodded, “so what I was trying to establish is whether the touch that Tessa is referring to is linked to your romantic relationship or your old friendship,” he explained, “because that has the potential to define how she felt about it.”

The pair nodded in understanding. 

“So,” Mark uncapped the pen, “I think what we’ve probably established is that the concept of physical contact is quite a complicated one?”

“I think that’s pretty accurate,” Tessa responded, “and I think that’s partly because we built a career on authentic contact,” she explained, “we’ve done a lot of work on making the way we touch each other look a particular way and convey a particular emotion.”

“I’d definitely second that,” Scott stated, “physical contact was a real focus of our career.”

“And at the same time you had an intimate physical relationship,” Mark added to their understanding, “so it’s quite a complicated and complex area to unpick.”

“I think that’s the case,” Tessa confirmed.

“In that case, do you think it would be a good idea to eliminate it from your new friendship until we have explored its role in your past relationships a little more?”

Tessa and Scott both fell to silent consideration. Neither of them liked the idea because contact with the other had always felt so natural to them. However, they both knew that they owed it to the process to try things that were uncomfortable. 

“Sure,” there was a note of reluctance in Scott’s voice. 

“Sure,” the same note was present in Tessa’s voice. 

“You both sound hesitant.”

“I think it’s just a big change for us,” Scott offered. 

“Yeah,” Tessa confirmed, “but I think we both know it’s what we need to do for now. Perhaps we can add ‘no physical contact’ to the list now, and maybe we will be in a position to remove or alter it at a later date.”

“Good point, T.”

Mark turned to the board, “no physical contact,” he said aloud as he wrote it, “so what does that mean in practical terms?” he asked. 

“No hugging, I guess,” Scott offered. 

Tessa nodded, “and I suppose being careful when we’re playing with Nate.”

“Nate?”

“My son,” Scott informed Mark. 

“Right,” Mark smiled as he realised that the plot was ever thickening. 

“And you spend time with Nate, Tessa?”

“He is friends with my sister’s son,” Tessa smiled, “and they play together.”

“And how old is Nate?”

“Two.”

“And your sister’s son?”

“Also two.”

“So that can result in some pretty physical play,” Mark smiled knowingly. 

“It sure can,” Scott grinned as Tessa giggled lightly beside him. 

“So that could be an area where you’ll meet a challenge?”

“It could be,” Tessa agreed, “but I think it’s something we can work around.”

“Absolutely,” Scott added, “we can make anything work that will help us.”

“Ok, good,” Mark smiled as he returned to his chair, “so we have our first two rules - you are going to stay out of each other’s bedrooms and you are going to abstain from any physical contact,” he took a sip of water, “and have you any plans together this week that will give you opportunity to test these new rules out?”

“I don’t think we have anything planned,” Tessa shrugged. 

“Actually, I was going to ask you to come over when we move in on Thursday,” Scott turned to her. 

“Of course,” Tessa smiled back, happy to be a part of Scott and Nate’s day, “I’d love to.”

“Is that moving into a house?” Mark asked. 

“Yes,” Scott confirmed Nate and I are moving into a new house on Thursday and I really wanted Tess to be there so that she could see Nate’s reaction to his bedroom that we painted.”

“You painted Nate’s new bedroom together?”

“Yes,” Tessa was glowing as she thought about how excited Nate was going to be when he saw his bedroom and the garden, “I can’t wait to see his face.”

“I know,” Scott smiled over at her. 

“And who else will be at the move in?” Mark asked. 

“My mom and dad.”

“So it could be a good opportunity for you to try out the new rules of your new friendship?” 

“I think so,” Tessa smiled.

“Great,” Mark rubbed his hands together lightly, “and, you know, if it goes well perhaps you might go for a drink together at some point in the next week?”

Tessa and Scott’s face fell to expressions of uncertainty. 

“That’s not something you’d do together?” Mark questioned with some confusion. 

“Not in public,” Scott said, the previous joviality gone from his voice. 

“Ah,” Mark suddenly understood, “ok, I see,” he nodded. Despite the fact that he had entered the sessions with the resolution to treat Tessa and Scott like any of his other clients and get to know the people they were as they sat in front of him, he was, of course, aware of their past and the interest around their relationship. 

“So, if you do want to spend time together having a drink or meal, how does that work?”

“Usually in one of our houses,” Tessa informed him. 

“Or a shack in a field,” Scott added with a chuckle. 

Mark’s raised eyebrows asked for more information. 

“There’s a farmer’s shelter,” Scott explained, “in a field near my house. We’ve been there a few times.”

“As friends?”

“As friends and as a couple.” Scott confirmed. 

“Right,” Mark nodded, “and what’s the association with that for you, romantic or platonic?”

Tessa felt heat rise in her cheeks as she thought about what had happened in the shelter after ‘Thank You Ilderton’. 

“I’d say probably romantic,” Scott informed Mark, unable to look over at Tess as he spoke.

“So do we want to keep that off limits for now?”

“Probably for the best,” Scott agreed.

“It may also be wise to limit the alcohol consumption,” Mark said with a wry smile, “it rarely helps when you’re trying to adhere to boundaries. A glass or two perhaps, but not much more than that.”

“I think we can manage that,” Scott returned the smile. 

“Well, in that case,” Mark breathed, “I think we can call that a successful first session.”

“You’ve been really helpful,” Tessa smiled as she got to her feet, “thank you.”

“Thanks a lot,” Scott shook Mark’s hand again as he stood to leave. 

Mark bid the two farewell and watched as they left and made their way back to the reception. He stood for a moment and looked at their retreating backs. He sighed deeply and knew that he was in for a long and emotional journey with his two newest clients.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up - it's moving day!


	52. Chapter Fifty Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a while - work took over this week.   
Time to try out their new rules!

It was late afternoon by the time Scott text Tessa to let her know that the moving had started. She made the short trip from London to Ilderton, pulled onto his driveway and parked behind his car. She grabbed the bottle of champagne from the passenger seat and headed towards the house. From the excited laughter flowing from the back garden, she could tell that Nate and Scott were at the back of the house, so she followed the house’s right side and onto the lawn. 

“Hey,” she called out to Scott and Nate as they played on the slide. 

Scott waved in acknowledgement and scooped Nate into his arms as he shot off the bottom of the side. 

“Tess is here,” he informed his son as he planted a kiss on his cheek. 

“Bessie!” Nate yelled as he jumped out of Scott’s arms and stormed up the lawn towards Tessa. He threw himself at her legs and started to climb them. 

“Come here,” Scott pulled Nate from Tessa’s legs and placed him in the decking, “go fetch your new truck,” he encouraged Scott, “you can show Tessa.” 

Nate sped off in the direction of the kitchen. 

“Someone’s energetic today?” Tessa smiled after the two year old.

“Oh, you have no idea!” Scott sighed, “he hasn’t stopped all morning.”

Tessa smiled in reply and held out the bottle of champagne that was in her left hand, “happy moving day,” she smiled. 

“Thanks,” Scott’s smile was wide at the unexpected gift, “that’s really nice Tess, you didn’t have to.”

“It’s a big day,” Tessa smiled back softly, “I am really happy for you, Scott.”

“Thanks, T,” they stood motionless in front of each other. It was as if there was a piece of the jigsaw missing and they both felt it. 

“Duck!” Nate appeared with a red dumper truck in his hand and started running it up and down Tessa’s legs. 

“Nate,” Scott laughed, “I don’t think Tessa wants the truck on her legs!”

“Vrrmm,” Nate put the truck’s wheels on the floor and gave it a push so that it rolled underneath the patio table. 

“Nate, shall we show Tessa your swing?” Scott asked the toddler, eager to prevent him from crawling beneath the table and also aiming to deplete the little one’s energy. 

Nate took off towards the swing and slide with two chuckling adults in tow. As they reached the swing Nate put his arms out to indicate that he wanted to be lifted into the swing. Scott picked him up and deposited him into the seat and Nate held to the safety sides that encased him. Tessa took the back of swing and pushed it gently whilst Scott stood in front of it and giggled with Nate. Tess, smiling with happiness, pushed the swing a little harder and Nate responded with higher and thicker laughter. Scott pulled his phone from his pocket and snapped some shots. 

“Nate,” Scott called his son’s attention as he came towards him. Nate waved and kicked his feet in delight. 

“Say ‘hello daddy’,” Tessa said to Nate as the momentum of the swing brought him back to her. On the next swing Nate attempted to shout at Scott but his words only dissolved into the laughter that ripped through him. 

The sound of crunching gravel came from the front of the house and Scott put his phone down to listen more closely. 

“Grandma and Grandpa are here,” Scott informed Nate, “I’ll go meet them,” Scott informed Tessa with a smile. 

“Sure,” Tessa responded and she started to slow the swing in order to take Nate out. 

“Are we going to see Grandma and Grandpa?” she asked Nate as she slowed the swing. Nate didn’t protest as Tessa lifted him from the swing and settled him on her hip. She carried him across the garden and back to the front of the house. 

“You’re growing into a big boy,” Tessa smiled at the toddler as they walked and she adjusted him on her hip. 

“Me big boy,” Nate informed her. 

“You are,” Tessa chuckled as she placed a kiss on Nate’s cheek. 

Alma and Joe were on the driveway standing in front of a rented truck that contained Scott’s boxes and some pieces of furniture. Tessa set Nate down on the floor, pulling his t-shirt straight over his back before she let him run into Alma’s legs and try to climb them. Joe retrieved his grandson and pulled him into a tight hug. Nate squealed with delight as his Grandpa squidged him. 

“He’s not calmed down any, then?” Alma raised her eyebrows and smiled. 

“Nope,” Scott smiled, “no chance.”

“Hey, Tess,” Alma smiled, “it’s nice of you to come and help.”

“No problem.”

“Plus,” Alma winked in Tessa’s direction, “redressing the gender balance slightly.”

Tessa and Alma shared a smile whilst Scott pulled down the back of the truck to reveal the neatly stacked boxes inside. 

“Neat, Moir,” Tessa complimented with a smile. 

“That was Mom,” Scott confessed. 

Alma and Tessa chuckled in unison. 

“I have labelled most of the boxes,” Scott informed them as he stepped into the van and started to unload some of the boxes, “so it should be easy to put them in the right room, and if they’re not labelled they need to go into the attic,” he explained, “the furniture is pretty obvious,” he added, “but if in doubt, just leave it downstairs and we can work from there.”

With their instructions received the adults all worked through the afternoon to cart boxes into the house. Nate, his energy looking impossible to defeat, was sent on errands and given jobs to do until he fell asleep and Scott put him to nap in the main family room. An hour or so without the toddler gave the adults time to complete the moving and as the last box was taken to the correct place, there was a collective sigh of relief as they all stood in the hallway. 

“Well, that’s the lot,” Joe informed them as he entered the hallway and pulled his work gloves from his hands. 

“Wasn’t as bad as I thought, actually,” Alma commented. 

“Thanks everyone,” Scott smiled, “I really appreciate the help. “

“Well done, son,” Alma pulled Scott into a hug, “we’re really proud of you,” she told him, “this is a new start for you,” there was a tear welling in Alma’s eye as she pulled back and looked at her youngest. 

“Well done, son,” Joe reached out and shook Scott’s hand, “you and the boy are going to be happy here.”

“Thanks, Dad,” Scott shook his dad’s hand, “I’m going to do everything to make sure these are the best days of his life,” he added. 

“We have to get home,” Alma informed Scott, “the Andersons are coming over for tea tonight, but I left food for you in the fridge, it just needs heating.”

“Thanks, Mom,” Scott’s smile was wide and soft. He loved that his mom had thought ahead and cooked food for him. She was so thoughtful and he would miss living with her. However, he knew that now he and Nate were so close by that they could both be a proper and full part of family life together.

Tessa and Scott stood on the porch and waved Joe and Alma off in the van. There was a moment of calm and quiet as the noise of the engine faded. 

“Well,” Tessa sighed with a smile, “you’re officially moved in!”

“I am!” Scott grinned. Perhaps there was a moment that could have come to be in which he looped his arm around her waist and pulled her in for a side hug in order to say thank you for her help and support, but it did not come to pass. Partly because their new rules forbade it, and partly because Nate appeared behind them rubbing his eyes and asking to be picked up.   
Scott reached down and pulled him into his arms.

“Let’s go inside and get you a drink,” he smiled at Nate. 

They headed back inside and Scott made Nate a cold drink and himself and Tessa a cup of tea. They settled on the decking, Scott and Tessa at the table, and Nate just a little way off playing happily in his sandpit. 

“Once he’s a bit more awake we should take him up and show him his bedroom,” Scott suggested. 

“Yes,” Tessa smiled with her eyes, “I can’t believe you’ve managed to keep him out of there this whole time!”

“I think he’s been more interested in playing in the garden more than anything,” Scott responded with a smile.

They sat quietly and sipped at their tea as they watched Nate pushing his digger through the sand and making a pile at one side. 

“I thought the session with Mark went pretty well,” Scott ventured. 

“Me too,” Tessa smiled, “he’s a nice guy.”

“Really easy to talk to.”

“Yeah, but will push us when we need it, I think.”

Nate lifted the digger into the air in order to show the adults what he was doing. They both met his action with words of encouragement, and he went back to piling the sand. 

“I think he will really be able to help us to draw distinctions between the three relationships we were talking about,” Scott suggested, “and understand each other again now that we have been a part and changed.”

“And set clear rules,” Tessa added, “and boundaries.”

“Yes,” Scott agreed as he sipped at his tea, “how have you found today?” Scott asked as he cradled the warm cup in his hands, “with the new rules?”

“It’s been ok,” Tessa nodded slightly, “it felt a bit weird when I first got here and I gave you the champagne and congratulated you on the house - I felt like that was a natural moment to hug you.”

“Yeah, I felt that,” Scott nodded, “it felt a bit strange,” he agreed, “but it didn’t make the gesture mean any less,” he added for fear that she might think the moment had meant less to him without the physical contact. 

“I suppose, we have to find a way to replace that,” Tessa mused. 

“That’s a good point,” Scott looked over at her as he spoke, “using our words more,” he added. 

Tessa nodded in agreement. 

“And also,” Scott added a little tentatively, “I would liked to have shown you the whole house now that’s all done. I would have liked for you to see the furniture I picked for my bedroom after I followed your recommendations.”

“Yeah,” Tessa agreed, “that’s a bit of a shame, but perhaps in time. Or, you could send me photos some time?”

“Do you think that’s allowed, photos?” Scott asked. 

“I’m not sure,” Tessa raised her eyebrows as she answered. 

As Nate toddled over and crawled up to Scott’s lap, Scott took a look at his watch.

“We’re a bit behind schedule today,” he widened his eyes as he spoke, “and I think the day has exhausted you!” he smiled at Nate, “what about, we go upstairs and see your room and then have some dinner.”

Nate, not all that sure what he was nodding at, agreed with his dad and allowed himself to be hoisted to his shoulders for the journey upstairs. Being on top of his dad's shoulders was one of Nate’s favourite places to be, and he let out a fresh but tired giggle as Scott made his way out of the kitchen, through the hall and up the stairs.

The rainbow was the centrepiece of the room and took up the whole of the far wall without any obscuration from furniture or toys. Nate’s cot bed stood in the middle of the room, and it was clear that Scott wanted the room’s focus to be on sleeping. There were a few books and cuddly toys around the room, but all of Nate’s toys were downstairs in the family room. Scott was clear that he wanted Nate’s bedroom to be somewhere his son could relax and sleep soundly. To the right of the bed, near the wall and window, was a rocking chair with a cushion and blanket. Tessa smiled, knowing that it was a rocking chair that Scott had been given by his grandpa. It was the rocking chair they would take turns rocking their daughter to sleep in as she teethed, and the rocking chair that would come to be a key memory in their children’s childhoods. There was a large dome shaped lamp on the floor that lit up the whole ceiling with the stars of the night sky when Scott flipped the switch and pulled down the window’s black out blinds. Nate stood mesmerised. 

“I think he likes it,” Tessa said softly as she and Scott watched Nate gazing up at the stars. 

“I think he does,” Scott smiled over at her. 

“Do you like the rainbow, Nate?” Scott asked as he pointed at the wall. 

“Bow,” Nate smiled as he touched the wall.

“And your big boy bed,” Scott pointed at the cot bed. 

“This looks interesting,” Tessa commented as she touched the cot’s side. 

“It’s great,” Scott bent down to demonstrate, “it can be a bed like this,” he explained, “and then you can pull the sides up to make it into an enclosed cot,” he pulled the wooden sides of the bed up.

“No,” Nate pulled at the sides that Scott had pulled up, “big boy bed,” he insisted.   
“Ok, bud,” Scott smiled as he pushed the sides down. 

Nate crawled up onto the bed with a wide smile on his face. 

“You’re a big boy, Nate,” Tessa cooed as she ruffled the boy’s hair. 

“And a good boy,” Scott added, “you’ve been good today.”

Nate smiled and rubbed at his eyes. 

“Think we’d best get you fed,” he smiled softly at Nate, “I think you’re going to pass out soon,” he held his arms out to Nate. The toddler wasn’t interested in leaving his new bed, “will you stay and eat with us?” Scott asked Tessa, “my mom has made plenty.”

“Sure,” Tessa responded, “that would be nice, thanks.”

They warmed up dinner - chicken and rice for Scott and Tessa, and pasta for Nate - and ate at the patio table. Nate, falling further and further into the clutches of irritability, swapped between their laps, balancing on their knees and picking at his food. Scott put a last forkful of rice into his mouth before setting his fork onto his plate. 

“I’m going to take him up and wash him,” Scott said as he secured Nate in his arms and stood up, “just a quick wipe over and into his PJs,” he smiled. 

“I’ll clear this up,” Tessa smiled. 

“Are you going to say goodnight to Tess?” Scott asked Nate. 

“Bessie,” Nate reached out for Tessa and tried to wriggle out of Scott’s arms. 

“It’s time for your wash now, bud,” Scott said calmly, “maybe Tess will come up and say goodnight once you’re in bed.”

“I sure will,” Tessa squeezed Nate’s ankle and smiled up at him. 

Tessa cleared away their plates and locked up the patio doors. She covered Nate’s sandpit and brought his toys in and placed them on the kitchen side. By the time she headed upstairs Nate was already in his pajamas and lying in his bed with the sides down and Scott at his side. 

“Smells very clean in here,” Tessa smiled as she entered the room and headed for the rocking chair. 

“We have one clean boy here,” Scott smiled as he pulled the blankets up around Nate. 

“Tory,” Nate asked Scott. 

“A bedtime story,” Scott reached for a book that he had placed onto the floor beside the bed, “of course.”

Nate snuggled against his dad’s warm body as Scott opened the book and positioned it in front of him. 

Tessa settled back and looked over at them with a smile. She was so glad that she and Scott were working to be in each other’s lives again because she loved the opportunity to see him being a dad to Nate. Although she had never wanted the family that he’d always yearned for, seeing him with Nate and how naturally being a father came to him, she could see why he had been so keen to have children of his own, and she was glad that it was a dream he’d realised. It occurred to her then just how true it was that sometimes you had to let people go in order to allow them to fly. 

“Bessie,” Nate reached out a sleepy arm towards Tessa. 

“Hey,” Tessa left the chair and moved over to the bed, “you’re having a nice story,” she said softly as she knelt at the edge of the bed. 

“Bessie,” Nate’s fingers pulled at her. 

“Come on, Bessie,” Scott smiled, “try out the big boy bed,” he said softly as he moved further to the edge of the bed and Nate followed. 

Tessa slid onto the bed next to Nate. 

“I’m not sure this bed is made for three,” Scott said softly as he pulled Nate closer to him.

Scott continued with the story and Nate nestled between the two warm adults. Scott had barely turned the last page when they noticed Nate’s closed eyes. Scott and Tessa both looked over the toddler and at each other and exchanged smiles. Nate turned slightly in his sleep before settling. 

“Best not to move yet,” Scott whispered, “wait till he’s snoring,” he suppressed a chuckle. 

Tessa neatened the blankets around Nate to make sure that he was covered and warm. 

“God, he’s growing so fast,” Scott looked down at his son. 

They both sat looking at Nate for a moment as he slipped deeper into sleep.   
“Is he going to New York tomorrow?” Tessa asked, her voice barely above a whisper. 

“Yeah,” Scott responded, “I am taking him to the airport in the afternoon and Jena is meeting us there.”

“Are they flying charter?”

“Yeah, Jena is flying on it into London and then they’re flying back.”

“You feeling ok about it?” Tessa asked. 

“Better than last week,” Scott responded, “although being at home without him might be a bit strange.”

Tessa nodded in understanding. 

“Do you want to come round for dinner after you’ve dropped him off?” Tessa asked, “don’t worry - we can get takeout,” she added with a smile. 

“I’d love to,” Scott answered, “I have a few errands to run after I’ve dropped him off, and then I’ll head over.”

“Perfect,” Tessa whispered. 

With their plans made they sat lay in silence and enjoyed the calmness. The night light timer clicked on and the ceiling was filled with stars. Tessa looked up and stared into them. 

It was about half an hour later when Scott called out her name and got no response. He looked over Nate’s sleeping body and saw her eyes closed and a soft smile on her lips. He couldn’t help but feel warmed by her peace. Being the early bird of the two, he had often woken up to her sleeping beside him, and had always loved watching her sleep. There was something peaceful about knowing that she was somewhere her mind couldn’t focus on what other people needed from her or the punishing ideals she used to hold herself to when they were younger. As his lover, she had always responded to being kissed awake and one of his favourite feelings had become the slow movement of her lips as she woke up and started to respond to his lips on hers. He looked over at her lips - lips he’d kissed so many times and in so places and in the grip of so many emotions. But it would always be those morning kisses - they would always be his favourite. He thought about reaching out to touch her arm and shaking her awake, but then he remembered that touching her was off limits. That was when he realised that they were both lying on Nate’s bed - that didn’t count, right? He was sure that it didn’t. It was Nate’s bed. Nate was between them. It was nothing to worry about. However, touching her was something he couldn’t do. He called out her name again. No response. He extracted himself from Nate’s body and pulled the side of the bed up. He took a last look at Nate and Tessa sleeping beneath the stars before he gently shut the door closed. He felt a shiver run through him, as if a draft had passed through him. He looked down the hallway to check if the window was closed. The window was secure - it was not a draft from the outside, it was the stardust of a future moment dancing above him, making sure that he would remember the very moment he was stood in when he stood there and looked into the same room and watched his daughter sleeping beneath the same stars. 

Scott was settled in the lounge with a tumbler of whisky in his hand and soft music playing in the background when Tessa, sleepy eyed, emerged in the doorway. 

“Why didn’t you wake me?” she asked softly. 

“I tried,” Scott looked up at her with a smile, “you were out for the count!”

“You should have shoo-”Tessa started, “ah,” she twigged, “no touching.”

“You know how deeply you sleep, T!”

Tessa smiled and chuckled softly, “did we break the bed rule?” she asked. 

“I don’t think so?” Scott sought her opinion, “Nate’s bed doesn’t count, right?”

“We were putting him to bed.”

“Exactly.”

“Hardly a wine soaked hotel bed.”

There was a soft silence between them. Something in Scott wanted to ask her to stay longer. To have a drink with him. He liked having her around and he knew that her exit was going to feel like absence. 

“I should go,” Tessa smiled, “it’s late,” she added, “see you tomorrow?”

“See you tomorrow, T,” Scott smiled, “drive safe.”

“Sleep well, Scott.”

The front door clicked softly shut and he listened to her footsteps on the gravel as she walked away from his house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up - dinner at Tessa's.


	53. Chapter Fifty Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a few days.   
Hope you enjoy!

Scott watched Nate’s face light up as they stepped into the small lounge that served London’s private terminal. Jena’s face mirrored her son’s as she got to her feet and pulled him into a hug. 

“You’ve grown!” Jena said as she held Nate on her hip, “you’re getting to be such a big boy.”

“Me big boy,” Nate informed his mother. His words drew a chuckle from both of his parents. 

“Everything ok?” Jena asked lightly as she looked at Scott. 

“Great,” Scott smiled back, “he’s been looking forward to seeing you.”

“You had your house move this week?”

“We did,” Scott smiled, “we’re all settled now.”

“I got the papers this morning,” Jena’s voice dropped a little as she spoke. 

“Me too,” Scott nodded, “all official now.”

“It is,” Jena responded. A silence fell for a moment as they both realised that their marriage had reached its final resting place. 

“Plane,” Nate pointed out of the window at the small plane that was waiting to take him and Jena back to New York.

Scott passed the handler Nate’s bags before moving in to kiss his son goodbye, “see you Sunday, bud,” he told Nate as he placed a kiss on his head. 

“Have a good weekend off,” Jena smiled at Scott. 

Scott watched as Jena and Nate made their way through the sliding glass doors and up the steps to the plane’s interior. He gave Nate a final wave before turning around to head out of the airport and into London. He had a few errands to run before heading over Tessa’s. 

An hour and a half later, laden with the things Alma had asked him to pick up for her, a case of his favourite beer from a local London brewery and a bunch of flowers for Tessa, he headed over to Tessa’s house. He dropped her a quick text before pulling onto the road and making the short journey across town to her house. 

“Hey,” Tessa’s smile was wide and welcoming as she opened the door to Scott. 

“Hey,” Scott responded as he crossed over the threshold and into the house, “for you,” he handed the flowers to Tessa. 

“Thanks,” Tessa smiled, “you didn’t have to bring anything,” she told him.

“No,” he smiled as he pushed his shoes off and placed them onto the shoe rack, “but I know how much you love flowers.”

“Thanks,” Tessa said again as she turned to head to the kitchen, “I’ve ordered,” she informed him, “shouldn’t be too long.”

“Great,” Scott followed her into the kitchen, “I’m starving.”

“How was Nate?” Tessa asked as she pulled a large vase from the cupboard above the kitchen counter and started to fill it with water. 

“Fine, actually,” Scott replied with a smile as he settled himself on a breakfast stool, “he was excited to see Jena.”

“That’s good,” Tessa turned and looked over her shoulder as she spoke before going back to the flowers she was trimming.

“Yeah,” Scott agreed, “and I waved him off this time rather than leaving him, and he reacted ok.”

“That’s great,” Tessa rolled up the discarded flower stems in the flower’s paper wrap and placed them into the bin, “I’m glad he’s taken to it well.”

“I know,” Scott ran his fingers through his hair as he spoke, “it would have been a real problem to have to work through if he’d been awkward about it.”

“He’s just so well natured,” Tessa responded as she arranged the flowers in the vase, matching the heights and colours carefully, “he rarely fusses,” she added. 

“No, he’s pretty good,” Scott agreed. 

Tessa placed the vase, flowers neatly arranged, in the centre of the kitchen counter, “these really are lovely, Scott,” she smiled, “thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” his return smile was sweet and stretched to his eyes. 

Scott looked around the kitchen - it was still exactly as it had been when he’d spent more time in it. Back when they were together, he had used it more than Tessa. He enjoyed cooking in it because it was large and well resourced. The decor had not changed, and was still Tessa’s signature white with accents of colour provided by flowers and the odd ornament. There was something relaxing about the simplicity, and some of his favourite weekends had been just spending time in the house with no plans. He used to love cooking them breakfast on Sunday morning as they lazed in bed and ate from trays. The days of their relationship seemed so distant to him sometimes, but then when he was back in an environment they had shared together - like Tessa’s house - it seemed to him like only the day before they’d been lovers and he’d had hopes for the future and imagined a life they’d live out in the very house he was sat in. 

“You want a drink?” Tessa’s voice cut through his thoughts.

“Sure,” he smiled, “water?” he asked, “save wine for when we eat?”

“Oh yes,” Tessa smiled as she reached into the cupboard and took out two large tumblers, “we’re on rations, aren’t we?”

“Don’t want to get carried away,” Scott smirked in response. 

Tessa turned to the sink and ran the tap in order to cool the water. 

“How’s Jordan, by the way?” Scott asked as Tessa handed him the cold glass of water, “I’ve not seen Ollie at Kids’ Club this week.”

“She’s ok,” Tessa informed him, “she has just finished the case she was working on, so now she is working from home. The company’s put her to work on smaller things and some case reviews,” Tessa explained. 

“That’s good.”

“Yes,” Tessa replied, “and Ted has been off this week just to help her get set up with a home office and to offer some support.”

“That’s really positive,” Scott nodded as he sipped at his water. 

“Oh, that’s the food,” Tessa put her glass down on the counter as the doorbell sounded. 

She returned with a box containing food containers. 

“Smells amazing,” Scott’s belly rumbled as he headed to the cupboard to get plates. He put them on the side beside the box ready for Tessa to serve the food. He grabbed the utensils they needed and headed to the dining table. Tessa carefully unboxed the hot food - steak and potatoes for Scott and chicken fajita for herself. 

“Any preference on the wine?” Scott asked as he headed for the wine rack. 

“Happy with your choice,” Tessa replied as she rinsed the food containers and stacked them in the sink. She placed the dessert into the fridge to keep it cool before grabbing the plates and heading to the dining table. Scott uncorked the wine and poured them both a glass before sitting down in front of his food. 

“Ah, you know me so well, T,” he smiled as he looked down at the plate and the food that Tessa had ordered for him. 

“Well,” Tessa raised her glass towards him, “to friendship,” she smiled.

“To friendship,” Scott clinked his glass against hers, “and,” he said before they both went in for a sip, “to the finalisation of my divorce,” he added. 

“Did that happen today?”

“Papers arrived this morning.”

“Oh, good,” Tessa smiled, “to new beginnings, then,” she smiled. 

“New beginnings,” Scott repeated before they both clinked their glasses again and took a sip of wine. 

“Mmm,” Tessa hummed as she sipped the wine, “good choice.”

They both started their meals in silence. Their hunger created a happy silence between them. 

“Ava in the city this weekend?” Scott asked as he chewed a piece of steak. 

“Yeah,” Tessa didn’t look up from her plate as she spoke, “she’s got a lot of work on at the moment,” she added, “how’s your food?”

“Good,” Scott’s voice was filled with enthusiasm, “really tasty.”

“Mine too,” Tessa replied, “so, the house is all done now?” she asked. 

“Pretty much,” Scott nodded as he cut through a potato, “a few boxes to sort out, but most things are in place.”

“Great,” Tessa put a piece of chicken into her mouth. 

“It’s good to have roots now,” Scott nodded, “I have the time and space to bring Nate up how I want.”

“You do,” Tessa nodded kindly. 

“My mom’s asked me to take on some of her classes at the rink,” Scott informed her.

“Oh?”

“Just some of the junior classes,” Scott clarified, “not coaching,” he added, “will give her more time with Nate.”

“And what do you think about that?”

“Hmm,” Scott turned his attention back to his food, “I’ve not skated since…,” he stopped, “well, since we broke up,” he finished. 

“No,” Tessa nodded as she took a sip of wine, “nor me.”

“If I’m honest,” Scott looked up and picked up his wine glass, “I am just feeling a bit weird about getting on the ice.”

“I know what you mean,” Tessa smiled weakly. Although they had touched on it before, and were both aware of the other’s reluctance, it wasn’t something that they had discussed in detail. The calm and friendly atmosphere made them feel as if they could open up to each other a little bit. 

“It just feels like the past,” Scott started bravely, “like something from another life.”

“It kind of is.”

“True,” Scott nodded as he took a sip of his wine.

“I just feel like it has so many memories attached to it.”

“Bad ones?”

“No, no,” Tessa was quick to answer, “but ones that run deep.”

Scott nodded silently. 

“But I don’t think that’s a reason for you not to take on some of the classes,” Tessa’s voice moved away from the emotion that they were headed for and brought a lightness to the conversation, “you would be great with the little ones,” she smiled, “and you could get Nate on the ice,” she added. 

“I know it’ll be ok really,” Scott waved his fork above his plate as he tried to reach her emotional level, “it’s just the first time, I think.”

“You could go to the rink in the evening,” Tessa suggested, “once it’s closed,” she added, “I can watch Nate if you don’t want to let your mom know you’re going,” she offered. 

“Thanks, T,” Scott smiled softly across the table, “perhaps I should do that,” it was not a signal of his commitment to the idea, but it told her that he would think about it. 

“What about you?” Scott asked as he speared a piece of steak, “will you get back out there sometime?”

Tessa shrugged her shoulders, “I have no reason to,” she said simply before signalling the end of the conversation by refilling their glasses with wine. 

They ate in silence. Their minds were both busy pushing down memories and emotions that had no place at the dinner table.

“Do you want more water?” Tessa picked up the empty water jug as she rose from the table. 

“Thanks,” Scott smiled as he watched her disappear into the kitchen. He popped his final piece of meat into his mouth before wiping his mouth with a napkin. 

“Shit!”

Scott heard the smashing of glass before he heard Tessa’s shout. He pushed himself from the table and hurried into the kitchen.

“T!”

“It slipped out of my hand.”

The water jug lay in pieces in the sink and Tessa's hand, which she had hovering over the sink, was dripping with blood. 

“Stay there,” Scott headed over to the drawer to get a kitchen cloth, “here,” she stood at her side and started to drape the towel over Tessa’s hand, “let’s stop the blood,” he worked gently as he placed the towel over the blood covered hand. 

“Ouch!” Tessa yelped with pain as the towel touched her hand.

Scott flinched and pulled the towel away. He felt Tessa sway beside him. 

“Ok, T,” Scott put his arms around her waist and took her weight as her body went limp, “steady,” he encouraged her as he lowered her to the floor and propped her up against the cupboard door, “it’s ok, T,” he spoke to her closed eyes. He looked down at her hand and saw that there was a large piece of glass embedded into her palm. He examined it for a minute before looking back up at her.   
Her eyes started to flutter open, “welcome back,” he smiled at her as she focused her eyes.

Scott knelt down in front of her and examined her hand more closely, “it’s not too far in,” he looked back at her and saw that her eyes were now focused on him, but her skin was still pale, “I can pull it out if you’re ok with that?”

Tessa, words too much effort, nodded in agreement. She felt the kitchen starting to still and the sickness she felt in her stomach starting to subside. 

Scott pulled the first aid kit from the kitchen cupboard and unzipped it. He found a pair of medical tweezers at the bottom of the bag. 

“Ready,T?” he asked as he hovered the tweezers above the piece of glass. 

Tessa nodded in response and watched as Scott gripped the edge of the shard of glass with the tweezers. 

“I’m going to pull now,” he looked into her eyes as he spoke. 

Tessa nodded in response. A short and sharp pain pulsed on her palm followed by a feeling of relief. Scott wrapped the towel tightly around her hand and pressed it with his own hand. 

“All done,” he smiled sweetly at her. 

“Thanks,” she smiled back. 

“You’re so clumsy,T,” Scott smiled as he moved from his haunches, keeping her hand in his, and sat down next to her. 

“Somethings never change,” Tessa smiled in response as she allowed Scott to rest her hand on his thigh. 

“Just give it a second to stop,” he advised, “and then we’ll get you cleaned up.”

They both sat quietly for a moment. Tessa allowed herself to slowly regain her senses. There was a dull throb in her head and she reached up to touch at her forehead. 

“You ok?” Scott’s attentive gaze followed her hand.

“Just a bit of a headache,” Tessa replied with a smile, “I’m fine.”

“That will be from fainting,” Scott commented, “I’ll get you some water,” he rose from where he was sitting and turned on the kitchen tap. He reached for a clean glass and ran water into it. 

“There you go,” he passed the glass to Tessa as he took his space next to her once more, “just sip at it,” he advised. 

After a few minutes Tessa was feeling more herself again. 

“Ready to get that cleaned?” Scott nodded towards her towel wrapped hand. 

“Sure am,” Tessa responded with a smile as she made to push to her feet. 

“Here,” Scott got up and stood in front of her, “don’t want you fainting again,” he smiled as he held out his hand for her to take. Their palms slotted together and Scott used his weight to help pull her to her feet. He left her standing in the kitchen for a moment whilst he grabbed a bar stool and positioned it next to the sink, “hop up,” he smiled at her.

Tessa pushed herself clumsily onto the bar stool and waited for Scott to dig through the first aid kit for the dressing and tape that he needed. He assembled his materials on the kitchen side before leaning in close to her and taking the edge of the bloodied towel, “ready?” he asked. 

Tessa nodded her head, and Scott carefully unwrapped the towel. The cut to her palm was quite deep, and Scott wondered whether they should visit the E.R.

“You know, perhaps we should go and get this looked at,” he suggested. 

“Don’t be silly!” Tessa responded, “it’s just a cut. I’ll be fine.”

“It looks quite deep, T.”

Tessa looked down at the cut on her hand, “I’ve given you deeper cuts with my blades,” she remarked. 

Scott shrugged his shoulders and conceded. 

“You’ll have rough hands like mine now,” he smiled as he ripped the top from an alcohol wipe, “all rough and sandpapery.”

“I like your hands,” the words left her mouth with a smile and neither of them stopped to realise the possible weight of them. 

“Ok,” Scott’s face was close to hers as he lifted her hand to his eyeline, “this is going to sting a little,” he looked into her eyes as he spoke. 

“I can take it,” she smiled back. 

Scott moved the wipe gently over the gash. Tessa sucked at her teeth and bit at her bottom lip. The wipe’s liquid stung as it hit the open wound. 

“Ok,” Scott lifted her palm centimetres from his eyes, “looks clean,” he smiled, satisfied with his work. He took a piece of cotton swap and dried Tessa’s palm.

“Thanks,” Tessa smiled at him. 

“No problem,” the smile he gave her in return was soft and deep. It was a smile that told her that he knew she was thanking him for more than the stinging of the wipe or the bandage he was about to apply. 

All too often, words were a luxury they couldn’t afford. 

Scott reached out onto the kitchen counter and picked up a dressing. He placed it over the cut before securing it to the skin with a bandage wrapped around Tessa’s hand. He secured the bandage with a few strips of tape. 

“There we go,” he said as he placed the tape back onto the counter, “all patched up.”

“Good as new,” Tessa waved the bandaged hand in the air as she spoke. 

“How’s your head now?” Scott asked as he turned to pack the surplus dressings back into the first aid kit. 

“Better,” Tessa informed him, “just a dull ache,” she added, “nothing a bit of cheesecake won’t fix.”

Scott grinned at her as she pushed herself up from the stool. 

“You go sit in the lounge,” he told her, “I’ll bring the dessert through.”

Tessa headed for the lounge and grabbed the remote. She flicked to a sports channel showing a rerun of a hockey game before settling into the soft cushions. 

“Here we go,” Scott arrived a few minutes later with two plates of dessert and two fresh glasses of water, “got everything you need,T?” he asked. 

“I have now,” she smiled as he handed her a plate of cheesecake. 

Scott grinned and grabbed his own plate before settling next to her on the sofa. They both relaxed with their food and watched the game in companionable silence. Scott spent the evening stealing glances in Tessa’s direction to check that she was still looking ok. The colour had returned to her cheeks, so that was a good sign. It was an hour later when Scott looked at his watch and realised that it was past midnight. He looked over at Tessa - her eyes were beginning to droop. 

“T,” he touched her shoulder lightly with his, “probably time for bed,” he suggested. 

“Yeah,” Tessa’s voice was sleepy as she responded to his words, “what time is it?”

“Gone midnight.”

“Oh, wow.”

“Yeah, late.” Scott smiled.

“The guest room is free,” she told him, “it’s late for you to drive home.”

“Thanks,” Scott smiled.

It was late to drive, he told himself. He should probably take Tess up on her offer. After all, driving in the dark wasn’t much fun. Plus, if he stayed he could check in with her in the morning. The reasons he gave himself were multitudinous, but they all avoided the real reason he made his way up to the guest room and settled in - because he didn’t want to leave. 

Pure and simple. 

He wanted to stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next - Jena has some unexpected news to share with Scott.


	54. Chapter Fifty Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't want to leave you all hangin' too long!

Scott closed his eyes and allowed the cool morning air to touch his skin. There was something about dawn that always made him feel so at peace and filled with optimism. He opened his eyes to look at the sun that was beginning to rise and spread its strong light across the sky. He put his coffee cup to his mouth and took a sip of the steaming liquid. He glanced at his watch - it was far too early for Tessa to be awake these days, but he wanted to share the sunrise with her all the same. He held his coffee cup out in front of him so that it became foregrounded against the sunrise. He lifted his phone and snapped a picture. 

_ Scott: this is what it must have looked like outside all those mornings we were at the rink at stupid o’clock. You should get up and see it sometime - sleepy head. _

He pressed send with a smile - it would be hours before she even looked at her phone, he knew that, but once she replied he would have the opportunity to check in with her about her hand. He sat back and enjoyed his Sunday morning alone. As much as he loved Nate, he was beginning to quite enjoy some downtime. He thought about the bath that had been installed in his bathroom the previous day. It had finally arrived from Florida the morning before. He’d left Tessa sleeping as he’d slipped out of her house after their dinner and his night in the guest room, in order to meet the delivery guys and the plumber. It was now all plumbed in and ready to use, and he was looking forward to a long soak. 

It was late morning by the time Tessa replied to his text. 

_ Tessa: beautiful! Why are you up in the middle of the night? _

Scott laughed at her question. 

_ Scott: you can’t have forgotten what dawn looks like! _

_ Tessa: it is, without doubt, the part of our childhood that I have erased from my memory! _

_ Scott: what? Even the hot chocolate and your Marvin pillow? _

_ Tessa: never Marvin! He is allowed in the memory bank! _

_ Scott: that’s good to hear! How’s the hand doing? _

_ Tessa: fine, thanks. Looking much better. Doesn’t really hurt much now. _

_ Scott: Make sure you change the dressing, though. Don’t want you going septic on me! _

_ Tessa: will do, Dr. Moir! _

After his bath, Scott spent the afternoon unpacking boxes and setting up some of the appliances and gadgets that he hadn’t found the time to previously. It was around 3pm when he heard a car pull onto the driveway. He went out to the porch to see who his unexpected visitor was. As he reached the porch’s rail he saw Jena getting out of a taxi. 

“Jena?” Scott took the stairs two at a time, “what’s? Where’s Nate?”

“He’s right here,” Jena smiled as she pulled Nate from the back of the taxi. 

“What’s happened?” the anxiety in Scott’s voice was audible. 

“Nothing,” Jena smiled sweetly, “I just thought it would be ok to bring him over a bit earlier than planned,” she explained as she pulled Nate’s bag from the car’s trunk and handed it to Scott. 

“Yeah,” Scott looked Nate over and realised that no harm had come to his son, “yeah,” he repeated as he settled into the situation, “that’s fine.”

The taxi reversed down the driveway as Scott and Jena made their way towards the house. Nate reached out for his dad, and Scott took him in both arms and settled him against his hip. 

“I would have come to the airport to meet you,” Scott informed Jena as they climbed the steps to the porch. 

“I know,” Jena responded, her voice light and airy, “I just,” she made her way through the front door, “I wanted to talk to you,” she revealed, “so I thought I’d come over.”

“Ok,” Scott answered as he put Nate down on the floor and watched him toddle to the family room and his box of toys. Scott felt a sense of apprehension at Jena’s words and wondered what it was she wanted to talk about. 

“This is an amazing house,” Jena smiled as she looked around with wide and interested eyes, “you’ve got loads of space.”

“Yeah,” Scott smiled, “I am really happy with it,” he told her as he pointed her towards the lounge, “have a seat,” he offered as he pointed towards the sofa. 

Nate, lost in his toys, ignored his parents as they both sat feeling a little uneasy. 

“You said you wanted to talk?” Scott was eager to get the conversation started so that he could address the feeling of anxiety that was starting to build in his stomach. 

Jena nodded and pulled her handbag from her shoulder and placed it on the floor beside her feet. 

“You know that I helped to set up the office in Germany?” she began. 

Scott nodded as he listened. 

“Well, my boss has asked me to get more involved with the company over there,” she explained. 

“Ok.”

“Which would mean spending more time over there,” she added. 

“Right,” Scott nodded, “so you’d want to reduce the number of weekends you see Nate?”

Jena was silent for a moment as she looked down at her hands. 

“Actually, they're looking for something a little more permanent than that.”

“Oh?” Scott felt the anxiety swell. 

“A lot more permanent, actually,” Jena went on, “they want me to relocate.”

“To Germany?”

“It would just be for a year in the first instance,” Jena added quickly, “I’ve said I can’t commit to more than that.”

“So you’ve already agreed to go?”

“No!” she was quick to correct him, “I made it clear that I couldn’t give them an answer until we’d spoken - until we’d sorted out things with Nate.”

“Sorted things out with Nate?” Scott’s voice took on a serious tone that had a defensive edge to it.

“I know it’s more disruption, Scott,” Jena’s voice became softer as she spoke, and it was clear that she wasn’t looking for an argument, “and I wouldn’t expect him to visit me out there,” she went on, “I know that’s a long flight at his age,” she explained, “I would come here and see him.”

Scott felt relief settle in his stomach. His pulse, which had been ripping through his wrists, calmed and slowed. 

“I know it’s a lot to take in and I have thought about it a lot,” Jena responded to Scott’s silence, “and I know it means that you will be taking on even more responsibility for Nate,” she added, “and I will contribute more finan-”

“Having my son with me for more time is not a problem, Jen,” Scott cut her off, “but Nate has already had so much to get used to in the past few months.”

“I know!” Jena’s voice showed genuine understanding and concern, “and I don’t want things to be even more disruptive for him,” she added, “which is why I wanted to talk to you about the move, and about the time leading up to it,” she explained, “if I decide to go.”

“Leading up to it?”

“Well, if I go, i will be leaving in about a month or so,” she explained, “the lease on my apartment will be up before then, so the company are going to be providing me with a hotel for a few weeks,” she added, “I don’t think Nate needs to be coming to visit me in a hotel after he’s only just got used to the apartment.”

“No,” Scott agreed. 

“So I was thinking that maybe I could come here to visit,” her voice took on a little uncertainty as she spoke, “if that’s ok with you.”

Scott was silent for a moment as he digested what he had been told. It dawned on him then exactly what was happening - he was, in effect, getting Nate full time. Bar the odd visit by Jena, Nate was going to be living with him exclusively. No more weekend trips to New York. He knew that Nate would miss Jena, and he knew he would have to deal with that very gently and carefully, but he couldn’t help the excitement that rose in him. 

“Of course it’s ok,” he smiled up at her, “you’re welcome to come and see him any time you want, Jen.”

“Thanks, Scott,” Jena smiled with tears in her eyes, “I knew you would understand.”

“Of course,” Scott returned her smile, “he’s your son, Jen, and you can see him whenever you want to see him. And I will make sure that you have plenty of video calls too.”

“And you know I am going to miss him so much,” Jena bit back the tears, “but I know that he is so happy here with you, and he is growing so well. This is his home.”

They both smiled easily at each other before turning to smile at Nate. 

“I’ll go and give my boss a call now,” Jena’s eyes were no longer wet and were lit with excitement. 

Scott did all he could not to punch the air with delight. He looked over at Nate - a little boy totally unaware of the way in which his life had just shifted. He knelt down on the floor and placed a kiss on Nate’s soft hair before settling back on the sofa and pulling his phone from his pocket.

_ Scott: T, I have just had some amazing news! I can’t wait to tell you! Come over? Nate and I are going to dinner at my mom’s, you can join. _

He only had to wait a few seconds for her reply to come through. 

_ Tessa: you can’t tease me like that! Of course I will come over! The suspense! _

“Ok,” Jena swept back into the room with a wide smile on her face. She joined Nate at the toy box and pushed a car along the floor to him, “they were pretty happy to have my answer,” she informed Scott, “in fact, they’ve given me tomorrow off so that I can stay here with Nate and avoid a late arrival back.”

Scott sat motionless. 

“If that’s ok,” Jena jumped to say as she realised that she had just invited herself to stay, “I can get a hotel in Lon-”

“No, no!” Scott came to his senses as he realised what was being said, “no,” he repeated in a calmer tone, “you’re more than welcome to stay,” he smiled, “the guest room is all good and ready.”

“Thanks,” Jena smiled as she settled closer to Nate and took a car that he was holding out to her. 

“In fact,” we have dinner at my parents’ place this evening,” Scott said, “they’ll be happy to see you,” he thought the word ‘surprised’ was probably more accurate than happy, but he also knew that Alma and Joe were going to be over the moon when they heard about Jena’s plans, “I’ll put the kettle on,” he announced as he left the sofa and hurried towards the kitchen. 

Once out of sight, he pulled his phone from his pocket. He looked at the time - Tessa hadn’t had time to leave, surely. 

_ Scott: Change of plan, T - don’t come over! SO sorry. Jena is here and staying…._

As he typed he wondered whether he needed to give any more information - surely it should be ok for Tessa and Jena to eat at the same table now. Should be, yes. Would be, no! He knew that Jena would not react kindly to Tessa appearing. He didn’t have time to explain in the message, and knew she would not question him. He went back to typing and quickly finished the message before pressing send. 

_ Scott: She’s moving to Germany and Nate is going to be with me full time!_

He pushed the switch on the kettle as he clutched his phone in his hand and waited for a reply. Part of him wanted to know that she understood the change of plan, but most of him wanted to hear her joy at the news. 

_ Tessa: Scott - that’s amazing news! I can’t believe it! We will definitely celebrate soon!! _

He smiled down at the reply. Of course she understood. He pulled two mugs from the cupboard with a smile on his face and warmth and excitement in his heart. Unbeknownst to him, his good news was going to bring a lot of angst before joy, but in the end he would look back on this moment as one of the most important in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up - Scott has a session with Adam.


	55. Chapter Fifty Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some painful truths!

Settling into the chair opposite Adam felt somewhat different to all of the other times Scott had entered his counselling sessions. He felt light and happy, and was actually excited to tell Adam about Jena’s plans. There was also something nagging at him, something beneath the excitement and anticipation of the happiness his life would be filled with. He hoped Adam would be able to help him access what it was, and to talk about it so that he could fully understand his own feelings. 

“How are you?” Adam started the conversation with a smile. 

“I’m happy,” Scott’s eyes were wide, “I’ve just had some really big news,” he smiled, “Jena is moving to Europe and Nate is staying here, in Canada, with me,” he couldn’t even wait for Adam to ask - he had to release the fizzing energy that was racing around inside of him. 

“Wow!” Adam sat up straighter in his chair and widened his eyes as he spoke, “that is big news, Scott!”

“I know, eh,” Scott felt the skin on his cheeks stretch with the huge smile that overtook his face, “I can’t believe it.”

Adam sat back and let Scott bask in his happiness. He watched as his client processed the emotion that was running through him. He had watched Scott sit across the room from him and work through so many emotions - not always the ones that needed his attention the most, Adam often thought, but a wide array nonetheless. But, watching him sitting there with a wide grin and an energy in his eyes that made them shine and smile, he couldn’t help but feel elated. Scott was a good person - a judgement that wasn’t his to make, he knew that, but he couldn’t help but think it sometimes - and he really did deserve all the happiness he was clearly enjoying. 

“It was just such a shock,” Scott restarted as his thoughts fell into place, “we’d only just arranged the custody between us, and she hadn’t mentioned a move.”

“Is it a work related move?” Adam asked. 

“Yes,” Scott confirmed as he sipped at his glass of water, “she had been out in Germany helping to establish an office over there, and now the company want her to go out and run it.”

“I see.”

“And she has always worked hard in her career,” Scott explained, “it’s an exciting opportunity for her.”

“But she has to leave Nate.”

“That’s the downside,” Scott shrugged his shoulders, “and she will come back and visit and spend time with him,” the fever of excitement started to disappear from Scott’s voice as he spoke, “of, course it’s not the same, but…,”

“No,” Adam nodded, “it’s a big decision.”

“And a big change for Nate.”

“And that.”

“Which I do worry about,” Scott ran his fingers through his hair, “I am excited, of course,” he went on, “but I also worry about the effect her absence will have on Nate.”

“In what way?”

“Just in his development.”

“What do you mean?”

“His emotional development, I suppose,” Scott offered, “I suppose I worry that he will feel rejected,” he explained, “not right away,” he added quickly, “at the age he’s at now it probably won’t affect him that much seeing as he was only seeing her at the weekends anyway,” Scott shuffled in his seat as he spoke, “but later on,” he added thoughtfully, “when he’s older. I don’t want him to think that his mom picked her career over him.”

“Are there ways in which you can support that? Prevent it?”

“I think making sure that she is a full part of his life in terms of making her a part of our discussions will help,” Scott offered, “you know, including her in decisions about him and things.”

“Yes.”

“And also making sure that there is regular contact for him through video calling, letters, pictures and things.”

“All of which is pretty easy these days,” Adam offered, “with technology.”

“Yes,” Scott nodded somewhat lost in thought, “I just don’t want him to feel rejected,” Scott said with a sense of finality. 

“It sounds like you are going to do all you can to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

“I am,” Scott was resolute.

Scott sat back in his chair for a moment and allowed the resolution to root in his mind. Part of being a good dad now was about making sure that Nate maintained contact with Jena. He had to make sure that he facilitated and encouraged that. 

“You’re clearly excited,” Adam said softly, “are there any other feelings that you have in relation to the situation?”

Scott picked up his glass of water and looked into it thoughtfully before raising it to his lips. He considered the question and tried to dig beneath his excitement to the feeling that had been lodged deep beneath his mind since Jena had told him of her plans. 

“Well,” he began slowly as he placed his glass gently down on the table beside himself, “I feel…,” the word started to dawn slowly, “well,” he continued, “I suppose I feel a bit guilty, really,” the word bobbed to the surface, allowing him to grasp at it with the tips of his fingers. 

“Guilty?”

“Just that,” the words came slowly as his thoughts became clearer, “well, I am so excited,” he shrugged, “I mean, I genuinely care about Jena, I want her to be happy,” he added more lightly, “and I want her to be able to have the career she wants,” he went on, “but I am also excited for me. I get to have my son full time. I know it will impact on Nate - I fear that, but still, the excitement is there. I suppose I feel a bit selfish,” he finished. 

“Selfish?”

“Having Nate full time is a blessing,” he said simply, “I can’t imagine what it feels like for Jena.”

“How it feels for her?”

Scott nodded before he spoke, “she is moving away from her son,” his brow furrowed as he spoke, “I just can’t imagine how that must feel,” he said honestly. 

“Not something you can imagine yourself doing?”

“Never,” the word came instantly, no thought needed. 

“You can’t empathise.”

Scott was silent for a moment. The idea of not being able to empathise with another human being - not least the woman he had married and created a child with - was something that made him feel uncomfortable, “I’m not judging her,” he said firmly. 

“Are judgement and empathy opposites?”

“Not necessarily,” Scott rubbed at his forehead as he spoke. He was clearly wrestling with thoughts that he was finding difficult to contemplate, “I just…,” he struggled, “I just can’t imagine,” he repeated, “but then I…,” he stopped talking and dropped his eyes to his laps. 

“Say it,” Adam said gently, “it’s just us here,” he reminded Scott, “nothing you say in this room is judged.”

“I just,” Scott began again, “I think maybe,” his words came slowly, each one birthed with guilt and fear, “that maybe I always wanted Nate more than she did,” the words finally tumbled out. 

Silence fell in the room. 

“Well done,” Adam said kindly, “that’s a lot of truth, Scott.”

“She loves him,” Scott’s head shot up as he spoke, “she loves him,” he repeated, “she’s a good mom, I-,”

“It’s ok, Scott,” Adam soothed, “it’s ok to be honest about how you feel.”

Scott nodded. 

“Why don’t you tell me a bit more about your desire for a family,” Adam prompted, “I know it has always been something important to you.”

Scott nodded slowly as he listened, “it has always been something I have craved,” he explained, glad to be on a track that had a narrative he could cling to, “when I was younger I was completely involved in my career, and I loved it,” he explained, “I was so lucky,” he added, “to have such an opportunity. To be an athlete, to travel, to compete, and to do it all with an amazing person to share it with,” he explained, “and I gave myself to it entirely,” he went on, “most of the time,” he added with a broken tone, “but in the background, behind it all, of course you know there is an endpoint,” he explained, “one day you will be too old, too sore, too out of touch,” he gestured with his hands as he spoke, “it’s not like a normal career,” he outlined, “there’s a time limit.”

Adam nodded as he listened. 

“And some people don’t think about what they will do after,” Scott went on, “there are all the obvious routes,” he turned his palms upwards as he spoke, “coaching, charity work, TV work,” he told Adam, “but me,” his tone lifted, “I always knew what I wanted to do afterwards,” his words told Adam how simple it had been in his mind his whole life, “I was going to be a husband and a dad,” the simplicity in his voice was accompanied by a shrug of his shoulders.

“You’ve always been sure.”

“It’s the one thing that’s never changed.”

“That’s powerful.”

Scott nodded as he took in Adam’s comment. There was a silence thicker than any that had fallen between them before, “yeah,” Scott’s voice rose from deep and thick thought. 

Adam sat perfectly still and allowed Scott to think. He watched as the thoughts turned cartwheels in his head. 

“And I thought I’d found the woman I was going to live that dream with,” Scott said finally. 

“Tess?”

“Hm,” a sound escaped Scott’s mouth and buzzed past his lips. 

“But?”

“It wasn’t what she wanted,” Scott said simply, although the lightness of his voice was hampered by the depth of his thoughts as he spoke, “it wasn’t her dream,” he added, more for himself than for Adam. 

“Dreams are powerful.”

Silence fell again. The air was thick with truth. 

“Desire,” was the only word Scott could offer. 

“Desire is powerful,” Adam filled in the blanks for him. 

“It can be destructive,” Scott offered. 

“Destructive?”

“I wanted…,” Scott began. 

Adam knew that the truth that was about to leave Scott’s mouth was going to leave ripples running through his mind for days, so he allowed him some space. 

“I wanted,” Scott narrowed his eyes as he spoke - the words were only coming into focus as spoke them, “I desired a family so much,” he managed, “that I was willing to make sacrifices,” he explained, “to sacrifice the happiness I had with Tess,” he made clear, “I sacrificed my relationship with Tess to be a dad,” he managed finally. 

Adam let the truth fill the room. He watched the tears well in Scott’s eyes before they fell down his cheeks. Scott had talked before about being the one who had walked away from his relationship with Tessa, and it was clear that he was carrying guilt, but his words were the closest he’d ever let either himself or Adam to the truth.

“We all make sacrifices.”

“Like Jena,” Scott looked up and smiled at Adam as he understood exactly where the therapist was leading him, “her career is her dream,” Scott wiped his eyes with the cuff of his sweater, “and Nate is her sacrifice,” he sniffed, “just like Tess was mine.”

Adam knew that desires and sacrifices were far more complex than Scott was describing, but he also knew that the man sitting in front of him would work that out for himself in time. For today he had made a huge step forward in understanding the journey he was on. 

“I just worry,” new thought seemed to dawn on Scott’s face, “what happens once she has her dream?” he asked, “when she has fulfilled her desire?”

Adam’s face asked the question that stood between them. 

“What if, once she’s had her career and she’s accomplished what she wants to, what if then she wants Nate?” Scott’s voice cracked with panic. 

Adam nodded in acknowledgement of the thought. 

“Because that’s the thing about desire isn’t it,” Scott was filled with an unsteady energy as he thought far into the future, “you get something and then there’s always something else you want - something more?”

“I don’t know,” Adam shrugged nonchalantly before diving into the question that he knew was going to be avoided and left unanswered, “you’ve got what you desired,” he pointed out, “do you desire something else now?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter - time for Tessa and Scott to celebrate the good news, and for Scott to head back to the rink!


	56. Chapter Fifty Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The domesticity in this one will rot your teeth!!

“Hmm,” Scott held the blade of his skate up to the light, “they’re not the sharpest,” he declared as he pushed up from his knees, “but,” he sighed as he straightened up to standing, “they’ll have to do.”

He turned the skates in his hands and traced the stitching with his eyes, “these are the skates, bud,” he told Nate without taking his eyes off the skates in his hands, “golden skates,” he explained. 

Nate, who was happily pushing his toy car around Scott’s bedroom floor, had no idea what his father was talking about, or, infact, that he was even speaking to him. 

Scott took a long look at the skates and thought about the day he’d stood on the podium with his hand around Tessa’s waist and her body pulled close to his. It had been such a perfect moment. They were stood in an arena of screaming people, but to him it felt like there was no one else in the world but the two of them. All of the faces, the scarves, the flags and the cheering was a blur, a background of faded motion - it was just him and her and the dream they’d fought so hard for. 

A car pulled onto the driveway outside. 

“That’ll Tess, Bud,” Scott informed Nate as he scooped the toddler from the floor and carried him over to the window. They watched Tessa park before climbing out of her car. Nate, recognising that his friend had arrived, started to knock on the glass. 

“She can’t hear you from here,” Scott smiled at Nate, “let’s go down,” he suggested as he grabbed his skates from the bed and headed for the bedroom door and down the stairs. 

Tessa was at the door by the time they reached it. Nate was itching to be put down as soon as Scott opened the door to reveal a smiling Tessa. 

“Bessie,” Nate lost no time in greeting his friend and thrusting his car at her. 

“Hey, little guy,” Tessa smiled as she looked at the car, “nice car,” she smiled at him as she bent down to pick him up as she entered. 

“I think you may well be seeing a lot of that this evening,” Scott smiled as he shut the door behind her. 

Nate jiggled to be put down, and Tessa planted a kiss on his forehead before releasing him onto the floor and watching him run towards the kitchen. 

“All set?” she asked Scott as she removed the tote bag from her shoulder and hung it over the end of the staircase’s bannister.   
“Well, I’ve got the skates out,” Scott replied as they followed Nate through to the kitchen. 

“That’s a start,” Tessa smiled as she leant against the kitchen counter and watched Scott open the fridge and take out two cans of soda. He handed her one and she cracked the can open and put it to her lips and took a much needed sip of the cold fizziness.

“Nate’s dinner is in the fridge,” Scott explained, “in the blue and green boxes,” he added. 

“No problem,” Tessa smiled. 

“And we’ll eat when I get back?” Scott checked that she was still planning to stay for dinner-their celebration of his good news about Nate. 

“I’m looking forward to it,” Tessa smiled, “do you want to text me when you’re heading back and I can order?”

“I’ve already cooked,” Scott smiled as he sipped at his own soda, “just needs warming when I get back.”

“Wow,” Tessa smiled and arched her eyebrows, “impressive.”

“Don’t get too excited,” Scott smiled as he moved from the kitchen and towards the sofa area in the corner of the kitchen where Nate was pushing his car up and down the side of the sofa, “it’s only pork and rice.”

Tessa smiled at him and her expression told him that she would love whatever he had prepared for them. She had always enjoyed his cooking, and she knew that the evening’s meal was going to be no exception. 

“So,” she said softly as she settled onto the sofa whilst he remained standing, “your mom doesn’t know you’re going to the rink tonight?” she knew that it had been his plan to visit the rink whilst Alma was out of town. 

“She doesn’t know anything,” Scott confirmed as he drained the last of the soda from his can, “she and my dad are away for a few days, so there’s not much going on there.”

“Do you still have your old key?” Tessa asked with a smile. 

“Yeah,” Scott chuckled lightly, “do you?”

“Yeah,” her chuckle matched his. 

They both fell silent for a moment as they thought about the early mornings they’d let themselves into the rink in order to run through lifts they couldn’t quite master, or to listen to music they’d picked out in the quiet of his bedroom the night before played into an empty rink. There were also the times that they didn’t let their minds wander to - the times when words couldn’t do their pain and turmoil justice and the ice and their constant movement over it was the only salve they knew. 

“Just go and see how you feel,” her playful tone was replaced by a soft and supportive one, “it’s ok if you don’t make it to the ice,” she assured him. 

Scott only nodded in response. The idea of returning to the ice was becoming real, and he was suddenly aware of the emotional leap it was for him. 

“You are Nate will be ok?” 

“We’ll be fine!” Tessa’s voice was light and breezy once more, “won’t we, champ?” she spoke to Nate, who looked up at her and showed her his car once again. 

Scott chuckled at his son before crushing the can in his hand and heading over to the recycling bin with purpose. 

“Well,” he took a deep breath as he spoke, “I best get this done,” he stated in a businesslike fashion. 

“Just call if you need anything,” Tessa smiled sweetly.

“Thanks,” Scott replied as he headed back towards her and bent down to talk to Nate, “now, you,” he said to his son as he picked him up, “you be good for Tessa, ok?” he looked at Nate to make sure that he was listening. He knew that his son didn’t understand fully what was being said. 

“Me good boy,” Nate responded. 

The toddler’s response drew laughter from his dad and Tessa and he smiled at their response. 

“He is just too cute,” Tessa smiled as she stood up to join them, “you are a good boy,” she smiled at Nate as Scott passed him to her, “and I have a little present for you,” she smiled at him, “shall we go find it?”

“Tess!” Scott sighed, “you don’t have to bring him presents when you’re coming to look after him!” his words were lost to her back and the gentle padding of her feet on the wooden hallway floor as she and Nate headed to her bag. 

Tessa held a wrapped present in her hand as Scott reached the hallway. 

“We’re all set up for some fun,” she informed Scott with a smile, “you try to have some too?”

“I will,” Scott smiled softly at her before leaning in to place a kiss on Nate’s forehead, “see you two later,” he smiled as he headed out of the door with his skates in his hand. 

Scott headed to the rink’s side door and slipped the key into its lock. Even after all the years it had been sitting in the back of his sock drawer, it still slid into the lock perfectly. His wrist turned it smoothly and something inside of him moved with it. Something inside of him unlocked. Something long closed off and away. He stepped into the darkened rink and punched the security code into the flashing alarm box. Thankfully it remained unchanged - an eventuality he hadn’t stopped to consider, and was therefore grateful for. He reached through the darkness and located the light switch. He flicked the light on and the corridor leading to the main reception was illuminated. He walked through the passage of light and pushed through the double doors at the end. As he entered into the foyer, the familiar yet long lost damp smell of ice dampened mats hit his nostrils. It took his breath from him for a moment. He should have been repulsed, should have balked, held his breath, curled his nose, but instead he felt his shoulders drop and his eyes moisten. 

He was home. 

The light from the corridor gave the foyer a dim and ethereal glow that softened the edges of his world. His feet took him to the foyer’s long wall and its framed pictures. He couldn’t help but think about how young they had been, how oblivious. He looked at them standing there as pre-teens, dressed in homemade costumes and sporting beaming smiles. He looked through the glass frame and into her eyes and then into his. He wondered what the Scott in the photo would think about his life now - gold medal winner, father, divorcé. They’d been so young and innocent back then. People rarely believed them when they said that they’d never set out with the intention of becoming the most decorated ice dancers of all time. There was a perception that they had been Olympians born and raised by pushy parents, but it had never been like that, not for him. Skating had been like walking in his family - something everyone did without question and without really thinking about it. When Tessa came along so many things changed, but skating for the love of it wasn’t one of them. At that age all they had known was their love of being on the ice and with each other, and that was it. He knew that if either of them had stopped enjoying it then their parents would have accepted that. The next picture was of them as young teens. Things had started to change by then. Living away from home had been difficult - more so for Tess than for him, but he had missed his family too. He looked at their smiles as they held their medals. A lot of sweat and tears had been shed in the pursuit of those rounds of medals. He looked back again at the first photograph. He wondered when and how life was decided. He looked at the last photo in the row. He smiled at the Canadian flag they had pulled around them, his head was nuzzled into her hair. His eyes closed and he breathed in deeply. The sweet scent of strawberry flickered across his nostrils and filled his senses. He was taken back to the moment. It was like so many they had spent in arenas filled with screaming people - theirs and theirs alone. He remembered how he had wanted to wrap her in the flag and kiss her and tell her that he loved her more in that moment than he ever had. Of course, there had been the moment they’d shared backstage, the moment they had both agreed was their most treasured memory of the day - a moment that was theirs and theirs alone. Followed by the bath they’d taken that night in his hotel room - a moment they had never shared with anyone else. A moment sacred and secret. A moment in time that could never be erased or tainted or taken. There were tears in his eyes when he opened them. He looked past the photograph and into the life he’d had and all that he’d lost. 

He turned and pushed quickly through the double door and towards the rink. He breathed deeply as he ripped the sneakers from his feet and pulled on his skates. Something propelled him to the ice. He needed something to quieten the thoughts that were racing around his mind, and his body knew exactly what that ‘something’ was. 

His blades met the ice with a certainty that was never in doubt. One foot pushing after the other and soon he was gliding around the rink’s edge with the cool breeze in his hair and whistling around him.

He sucked in the cool air as he got up speed. 

Soon the surrounding rink became nothing more than a blur and his legs worked on auto pilot as his mind settled back to the thoughts he’d had in the foyer. 

The thoughts came thick and fast. 

As his blades cut through the ice he closed his eyes and rewrote the past behind them. His lips took the chance and kissed her for the world to see, the hiding over, the future clear. The sun shone on them, the world smiled with them and at them. He felt the weight of secrecy fly from his shoulders. There was sunlight, daylight and beauty. The sneaking, the avoidance it all dissolved into the ice beneath his feet. There was only them. They flew. Like they always had on the ice, but it was solid ground beneath them, not shifting water and melting marks. She was healthy, she was his. 

He carened into the boards with a crash that knocked the wind out of him. He found himself panting and gasping for air as he opened his eyes. He didn’t allow himself a moment to recover - he pushed back onto the ice and got himself back to the frenzied pace he’d set. 

He could have saved her all of the pain he told himself. She would have been healthy. He felt the tears roll as he thought about what he had put her through. What she had been through because of him, but without him. He thought back to the session with Adam - he had made his choices, he told himself. Life was about choices that were there to be made, and he had made his. He’d picked his desires, he’d picked marriage, he’d picked Jena. His blades sliced and slipped on the melting ice as he tore around the rink. But he had also picked Nate. Nate. The best thing in his life. Better than any medal and any woman. Nate. His son. 

The fresh breeze prickled against the sweat that was plastered on his skin. 

He had Nate. Nate was his choice, and a choice he would never regret. But he could not have it all. Contrary to the words that had kicked him into action all those years ago, he knew now, in the real world, that there were choices and there were consequences and they had to be lived by. He had to live by the choices he’d made. 

As the rink became more and more of a blur, he lost control of the images that played in his mind. Images from the dreams he’d had after the day in the park with Tessa came floating into view. He saw Nate green-eyed and laughing as he whirled around the park.

His toe caught in the ice and sent him staggering to his knees. The touch of cold on the palms of his hands as he reached out to break his fall brought his mind back to the present. 

Nate wasn’t Tessa’s he reminded himself, and he never would be. 

She’d asked him to wait and he hadn’t - he’d made his choice. Perhaps he wished now that he could turn back time, that he could change his choice, take back his actions, travel a different path - but he couldn’t; life didn’t work like that. 

He got back to his feet and restarted his relentless circling of the rink.

If life worked like that; malleable and changeable, then he would go back and change his choices so that Tessa hadn’t got ill. He would have protected her like he had always been told it was his job to. And he would have waited, he was sure of that, he would have waited until she was ready. They would have lived their lives to this point together and perhaps a green-eyed child would be standing beside them, and maybe it wouldn’t, but that wouldn’t matter because she would be happy and he wouldn’t have caused her and Jena and his family the pain and heartache that he had. 

His mind swam with thoughts, in one moment they were clear and floating in crystal water, the next they were swirling in murky confusion and pain. Through it all, as his blades sliced through the ice, he understood one thing - he had no right to imagine Tessa’s life had his choices been different, and he had no right to try to rewrite the past. No matter how he felt now - and deep in his heart, beyond the surface of where he would allow himself to go was a truth that would come to the surface eventually- that he still loved her. 

All he could see was his guilt - the damage was done and although he could never undo that damage, he would endeavour to ensure that he protected her from the pain he had caused and he would make sure that he would never lead her into that darkness again. 

He finally came to stop. He was slick with sweat and panting heavily. He felt exhaustion run through his body. His mind ached, but was also more settled than it had been for a long time. Tessa was in his life, and that was what he wanted. He wanted her in his life as his friend, and he was going to be the best friend she could ever hope for. It wasn’t enough to right his wrong, but it was a start. He would put his all into the therapy with Mark so that they could build their new friendship and both be happy. 

He’d walked away once, but this time he was going nowhere. 

The coolness of the night air met the sticky sweat that had settled on his forehead. He felt his body shiver against the cloudless sky as he locked the rink’s door and headed to his car. The short drive home settled his mind, sent the raw thoughts back to the dark recesses of his mind and left him with a sense of happiness and purpose. 

There was a calm quietness in the house as Scott pushed the door open and stepped into the hallway. As soon as he entered he was comforted by the soft smell of baby shampoo and talcum powder. He dropped his skates in the hallway before following the soft sound of Tessa’s voice into the family room. He smiled when he saw Nate curled on Tessa’s lap clutching a new soft stuffed giraffe and wrapped in a blanket. 

“Hey,” Tessa looked up from the book that she and Nate were reading and greeted Scott in a soft tone. 

“Hey,” Scott responded softly as he leaned against the doorway and looked in at the scene. 

“Good skate?” her voice remained soft and Nate lay his head against her chest and yawned.

“Really good,” Scott replied in a half whisper. 

“Great,” Tessa beamed.

“Yeah,” Scott nodded with soft eyes and a soft smile, “I’d forgotten what a good place it is to think.”

“The ice?”

“Yeah.”

“Always is.”

“Certainly is,” there was something wistful and soft in Scott’s voice that told of a new dawn. There was a purpose within him now to be the best he could for his friend and it was an endeavour that brought him peace. 

“Looks like you two have had a nice evening,” Scott smiled as he entered the room and sat in the armchair opposite the sofa. 

“I’ve had a lovely evening,” Tessa smiled, “he is just the cutest little thing,” she stated as she ran her fingers through Nate’s soft hair. 

“He is pretty perfect,” Scott cooed over at his son. Nate’s eyes closed as he lay there, blissfully oblivious to the joy and calm he was creating. 

“Looks like he’s done,” Tessa stood up slowly as he wrapped Nate tighter into the blanket, “why don’t you take him up and I’ll put the food in to warm,” she suggested as she passed the sleeping toddler into Scott’s arms. 

“Lazy sofa dinner?” Scott asked as he gently received Nate and held him closely. 

“Sounds perfect,” Tessa agreed, “beer?”

“Absolutely,” Scott replied as he made his way to the stairs. 

By the time Scott re-emerged there were two trays on the lounge coffee table both adorned with a plate of food, an uncapped beer and a slice of fruit cake. There was music playing softly from the room’s speaker as Scott entered the room and took his tray of food before settling back into the armchair that he had been occupying before taking Nate up to bed. 

“Is it warm enough?” Tessa asked as Scott shovelled the first fork full of food into his mouth with hungry haste, “pmfbtht,” came the reply that told her that even if it were stone cold the hungry man was not about to give up the plate of food. 

Tessa smiled and sat back on the sofa and made a start on her own food, “so, have you decided whether you’ll help your mom out with the classes?” 

“I think I will,” Scott nodded, “I’ll tell her when she gets home.”

“She’ll be pleased.”

“More so that I’ve been on the ice,” Scott smiled, “I know she was getting worried about it, even if she has kept quiet.”

Tessa nodded as she listened and chewed. 

“I missed it,” Scott told her, “I didn’t realise how much until today.”

Tessa nodded as he spoke. 

“You should get back out there sometime, T,” Scott suggested as he took a sip of his beer. 

“Hmm,” Tessa swallowed the mouthful of food that she’d chewed, “maybe someday,” she responded, “I’m glad it gave you time to think,” she added as a way of bringing the conversation back to Scott and away from her own absence from the ice. 

“Me too,” he smiled over at her. He lingered on her face for a moment. A face that he’d looked into a million times before - on the ice as he met her eyes with his in silent communication, as it flamed with anger or softened with happiness, as he hovered above her and pushed into her as her eyes rolled back into her head with ecstasy. 

“You ok?” her voice cut through the mist of his thoughts.

“What?” he stuttered. 

“You’re staring at me,” Tessa laughed softly. 

“Sorry,” he looked down at his food, “I thought you said something,” he lied. 

They continued eating in silence for a moment. 

“How are you feeling about things with Nate and Jena now?” Tessa asked. 

“Ok,” Scott replied as he took a drink from his bottle, “I chatted it through with Adam,” he told her, “and talking it through made me realise that she’s making a choice for her and that’s ok,” Scott nodded, “we all make choices,” he added, “and I respect hers.”

Tessa nodded as she put a green bean into her mouth. 

“And I get Nate,” Scott shrugged, “I mean, what more could I want,” he smiled over at her. 

“What more could he want,” Tessa smiled back.

“And, well,” Scott’s voice faltered a little as he spoke, “the future will be what it is,” he stated, “she may change her mind about the role she wants to play in his life at some point, but I can’t second guess that.”

“What do you mean?” Tessa looked across the room at him as she spoke. 

“Well,” Scott started, “you know,” he went on, “she could easily decide that she wants to change the arrangement we have again.”

“Hmm,” Tessa replied thoughtfully, “you’ve both been fair to this point.”

“True.”

“One day at a time?” 

“The only way,” Scott smiled in response to one of their old mantras. 

“I know one thing, Scott,” Tessa stopped eating and made eye contact with him, “Nate couldn’t wish for a better dad - he’s a lucky boy.”

“Thanks, T,” Scott smiled softly as he looked over at her, “and I’m glad,” he met her eyes again, “that you are in his life too,” he told her, “and that we are building a good friendship,” he added softly. 

“So am I,” Tessa smiled back. They both held the other’s gaze for a moment before turning their attention back to the remaining food on their plates. 

“Jena’s coming here for the weekend,” Scott let out a long breath as he leaned forward to put his tray and empty plate on the table. 

“This weekend?”

“Yep,” Scott sat back in the armchair and sipped at his beer, “she’s going to visit Nate here from now on.”

Tessa nodded as she took in the information.

“I was thinking that I need to make time for them to spend alone during the weekend,” Scott’s tone told Tessa that he was seeking her opinion on her idea, “it will be nice for him to have his mom and dad together for the weekend,” he outlined, “but I feel like she should have time with him on her own too.”

“That sounds fair,” Tessa agreed, “why don’t you suggest she has him on the Saturday afternoon or something?”

“That’s what I was thinking. Maybe I’ll head over to my mom’s or something.”

“You’re so kind and thoughtful, Scott,” Tessa smiled over at him as she spoke, “they’re both lucky to have you in their lives.”

Not knowing how to respond, Scott smiled softly at her. It was a smile that told her he appreciated her comment. 

“To the next phase of this new normal,” Scott raised his beer in the air. 

“To you and Nate,” Tessa put her bottle in the air too, “and all the wonderful things you have in store for each other.”

They both raised their bottles and looked across at each other with wide smiles. It was far from the last toast they would make in their family room. They would toast success, happiness, birth and new beginnings, but in that moment a vague ‘new normal’ was all their hearts could commit to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back to working for a few weeks now, so not as much time for writing as I would like. I am aiming to update with some short chapters where I can. Then, in about a month I will have all the time I want for writing - yay!!
> 
> Next - Kate and Jordan have a chance encounter with Ava....


	57. Chapter Fifty Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short one for you. Oh dear - got to feel sorry for Jordan!

Sweet smelling warmth and the aroma of fresh coffee brightened the tired Kate and Jordan as they pushed into the thronging coffee shop. 

“The caffeine is goading me!” Jordan grumbled as she looked up at the herbal tea on offer. 

“Make up for it with sugar,” Kate smiled at her daughter as she nodded towards the enormous cakes that sat behind the glass cabinet. 

“Sugar and fat,” Jordan stated as she pulled a loaded cheese sandwich from the fridge, “all this shopping has me starving!”

Kate grinned at her daughter as she watched Jordan shuffle along in the queue laden with food and happiness. 

“Chocolate brownie or friand?” Kate asked out loud as she surveyed the sweet offerings. 

“Both,” Jordan replied with an air of simplicity. 

“We’re not all eating for two,” Kate chuckled. 

The women made their selections and gave their order to the barista before moving along the counter to the collection point. The coffee shop was bustling, but Jordan liked the bustling chatter that hummed around her. A day shopping with Kate had been the perfect antidote to a week spent at home with a laptop and a restless toddler. 

“Ava,” Jordan sang out as she recognised the woman in front of her. 

“Jordan,” Ava’s smile was less easy as she turned to find the origin of the voice calling her name. 

“It’s good to see you,” Jordan smiled, “it’s been a while.”

“It has,” Ava responded as she tried to cover the awkward tone in her voice and silently prayed for the arrival of her coffee. 

“Ava,” Kate, having finished paying at the register, arrived next to Jordan, “it’s nice to see you.”

“You too, Kate,” Ava felt an awkward moment tighten around her. Seeing Jordan was one thing, but Kate was quite another, “how are you?” Ava gestured towards Jordan’s blooming bump as she spoke. 

“Oh, fine,” Jordan told her, “this one’s proving a bit more troublesome than Ollie, but I’ve got plenty of support,” she touched her hand to her stomach and then looked over towards Kate with a smile. 

“That’s good,” Ava smiled and nodded. She felt the conversation die in her throat. She looked over at the barista moving through the orders on the other side of the counter, and hoped that hers was in the process of being made so that she could escape the coffee shop. 

“I haven’t seen you for ages,” Jordan stated, “the publishing company sent a newbie,” she smiled, “have you been reassigned to something more interesting?” 

“Well,” Ava felt her breath catch in her throat as she spoke, “you know,” she turned her hands palm up in front of her in place of words, “just needed some distance,” she smiled with a soft shrug. 

“Oh,” Jordan frowned, “of course,” she was now the one to feel embarrassed, “that’s understandable,” she managed to smile, “a change is as good as a rest and all,” Jordan wasn’t entirely sure of the relevance of the words as they left her mouth, but they seemed to fall from her lips in a way that made her sound like she was imparting some form of wisdom. 

Ava looked confused before responding, “something like that,” she said shakily, “I think it’s more about complete severance, to be honest,” she stated. 

“Right,” Kate was the one to feel confused, but nodded and smiled all the same, “we certainly have missed having you around,” she offered. Not that Ava had ever really been ‘around’, but the time she had spent with the young woman had left a positive impression on Kate. 

Ava looked down at the floor as Kate’s words reached her, “thank you,” she was overcome with the need to show the older woman respect, “I’m sorry we couldn’t make it work out,” the apology was misplaced and it was too soon to allow Tessa’s name on her lips, but the situation drew the awkward words from her. 

Jordan picked up on the tone and her brow furrowed. 

“Perhaps you can come to dinner,” Kate continued, “when you and Tess...you know...when you are…,”

“Large cappuccino with coconut milk,” the barista’s voice shouted above din of the social chatter of the coffee shop. 

“Me,” Ava signalled as she reached forward to get her drink. She smiled at the barista before pulling her bag onto her shoulder and looking back in Kate and Jordan’s direction, “actually,” she felt her heart beating in her chest as she spoke, “I’m moving out of the city,” she told them, “I’m relocating to Quebec City,” she informed them, “a fresh start and all,” she added stiltedly. 

The two women stood speechless. 

“It’s been good to see you,” Ava smiled weakly as she clutched her coffee and moved through the crowd at the counter. 

“You too,” Jordan’s words did little to conceal her confusion. 

“Take care, Ava,” Kate’s words were genuinely warm as they bid Ava goodbye and watched her leave. 

Jordan and Kate looked at each other with worried expressions. 

“Go and get a table,” Kate sighed as she rubbed Jordan’s arm, “I’ll bring the drinks.”

Jordan did as Kate suggested and found them a free table. Her mind was racing with worry. 

“Here,” Kate pushed the laden tray onto the table, “grab the cake,” she smiled with a sigh, “I think we’re going to need it.”

Jordan pulled the cake from the tray and set it in front of herself before arranging the rest of the food and drink on the table. 

“Are you sure about what Tess said?” Kate asked as she settled herself into the chair opposite her daughter. 

“Yes!” Jordan plunged her fork into the slice of hazelnut dacquoise in front of her, but truth be told, her appetite for food had been consumed by the anxiety streaking through her stomach, “she said that she and Ava were breaking up for a bit,” Jordan insisted as she reminded her mother of the information she had recounted to her after Tessa had told her about what had happened between her and Ava. Jordan had withheld the details of the Philly weekend and the joint therapy with Scott from their mother as Tessa had elected not to tell Kate anything herself, but when Kate had started talking about inviting Ava round for dinner again, Jordan had felt forced to reveal that status of her sister’s relationship. 

“Well, I was hearing more ‘break-up’ than ‘on a break’,” Kate nodded towards the space where they had conversed with Ava moments earlier. 

“Definitely,” Jordan raised her eyebrows as she spoke. She ran back through the telephone conversation that she’d had with Tessa in which she was sure of the words that had been spoken - “Ava and I are breaking up for a while”. That was what ‘being on a break’ meant, surely. Jordan felt a doubt in her mind. She shook her head to reassure herself - Tessa had definitely made it sound as if it was a temporary situation. She had, in no way, given the impression that it was a break up in the sense that Ava was moving 500 miles away for a fresh start! 

“A misunderstanding?” Kate offered in way of her younger daughter’s behaviour. 

“What of epic-life-changing proportions?” Jordan asked with more than a hint of skepticism in her voice. 

Kate blew out her cheeks in response. The two women sipped at their coffees in silence. The moment lay heavy on them as they were both transported back to the dark days of Tessa’s illness. 

“I’ll talk to her,” Kate said resolutely. 

“She doesn’t know that I told you about her and Ava,” Jordan’s protest was quick. 

“It doesn’t matter,” Kate was firm, “I’ll just say I bumped into Ava,” she explained, “which is not a complete lie,” she added. 

“I don’t know-”

“I’ll speak to her,” Kate’s voice was even more insistent the second time around, “you’ve got enough on your plate,” she told Jordan kindly, “you need to focus on yourself and my little grandchild,” she smiled at Jordan, “plus, if she gets angry or ignores me it is you she is going to want to turn to.”

Jordan nodded slowly at the logic. If anyone was going to annoy Tessa and risk potential isolation from her, then it was best if it was Kate so that Jordan was available as a friendly ear. 

“It goes a long way in explaining why we haven’t had much contact from her lately,” Kate voiced as she tucked into her cake, “I assumed she’d been busy with the foundation.”

Jordan nodded and attempted a smile. She had a feeling that it was not so much the foundation, as a certain ex-business partner that was taking up Tessa’s time. She felt the cake lie heavy in her stomach as she wondered how to navigate the secrets and lies that were now littered amongst her and her mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up - Jena visits for the weekend.   
Can Jordan work a way through the mess that's being created?


	58. Chapter Fifty Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter finds you all well. I really have missed you all and the conversations we have!  
I hope this chapter knits together ok - I have been writing it as and when I've had moments to write, so it really is a bit of a jigsaw!
> 
> Just one week to go, and then work will be over for five weeks and I will have plenty of time to write. I am so looking forward to it!
> 
> Hope this keeps you all going. Can't wait to chat with you all again.

There was a light drizzle falling from the afternoon sky as the taxi carrying Jena pulled into Scott’s driveway. 

“Mommy’s here,” Scott told Nate as he scooped him from the floor and took him to the door. 

“Mommy,” Nate repeated with a smile as he chewed at the ear of the stuffed giraffe he had not let go of since Tessa had given it to him. 

“Mommy’s staying with us for the weekend,” Scott reminded Nate as he opened the front door and encouraged Nate to wave at Jena as she approached.

“Hey,” Jena smiled at Nate as she arrived at the front door.

“Mommy,” Nate smiled in response as Scott took Jena’s weekend bag and handed her Nate. 

“Baff,” Nate pushed the giraffe in Jena’s face. 

“Hello Baff,” Jena smiled with a mouthful of stuffed animal. Nate wriggled in his mother’s arms and was happy to be back on the hallway floor and toddling back to his toy box. 

“Good journey?” Scott enquired in a genial tone. 

“Sure,” Jena replied with a smile as she peeled her coat from her shoulders and looked around for a hook. 

“There,” Scott pointed to the coat stand in the corner.

“A stand,” Jena smiled and nodded, “very stylish of you,” she said with a grin. 

Scott watched her hang her coat on the stand that Tessa had insisted he purchase over the hooks he had planned to nail into the bare wall, “you know me,” he tried to keep his smile straight as he spoke, “nothing if not stylish!”

A sound some way between a snigger and a chuckle left Jena’s mouth. 

“Tea?” Scott asked as he headed towards the kitchen. 

“Thanks,” Jena smiled as she followed him. 

Nate was already pushing his truck around the kitchen floor when they got to the kitchen. He had one hand on his truck and the other clutched the giraffe as it followed behind him. 

“Can you push the truck to me Nate?” Jena crouched down to talk to her son.  
Nate, aware that his mother was speaking to him, but unsure about what she was asking him, continued pushing the truck around. 

“Nate,” Scott smiled down at his son, “Mommy play?” he asked the toddler. 

Nate, understanding his dad’s question, pushed the truck to Jena. 

“Thanks,” Jena smiled at Nate as the car reached her, “are you ready?” she asked as she turned the truck around and pointed it in Nate’s direction. 

Nate, happy to have his mom to play with, sat on his bum ready to receive the truck. Jena pushed it gently across the floor and Nate giggled as he received it and turned it around to send it back.

“Tea’s on the table,” Scott smiled down at the pair as he placed the steaming cup on the table, “Nate, do you want juice?” he asked. 

“Me juice,” Nate was soon on his feet and heading towards his dad’s offer. 

“This one,” Scott pulled apple juice from the fridge and showed it to Nate, “or this one,” he asked as he held out the carton of peach juice for Nate to see. Nate reached up and pointed at the second carton. 

“Pease,” Nate smiled up at his dad. 

“Good boy,” Scott praised his son as he filled Nate’s sippy cup with water and juice before handing it to him. 

“Ta,” Nate smiled before toddling off towards Jena. He pushed close to his mom who was sat at the table. He asked to be picked up by her. Jena pulled him onto her lap and placed a kiss on his head. Nate held out his toy giraffe for her to kiss. 

“Baff kiss,” Nate ordered. 

Jena chuckled before leaning down and placing a kiss on the giraffe’s head. 

“I assume you haven’t eaten?” Scott asked from the kitchen. 

“No,” Jena replied as she jiggled Nate on her lap, “other than a bag of peanuts on the plane.”

“An early dinner, then?”

“Sounds great,” Jena replied.  
The afternoon blurred into the evening and once dinner had been eaten it was time to put Nate to bed. Scott ran the bath in his room and let Jena get him bathed and ready for bed whilst he did the washing up. He was well aware of how special bed and bath time with Nate were, and he was more than willing to let his son have the time with his mom. After all, it was an important time for Nate to create memories of time with his mom. He was just drying his hands and reaching into the fridge for a beer when Jena appeared in the kitchen doorway. 

“He’s bathed and in bed,” she informed Scott, “and he’s asking for you.”

Scott shut the fridge and placed his beer on the counter before heading upstairs. 

“Hey, bud,” he said softly as he entered Nate’s room. 

“Da,” Nate’s voice was a little watery and needy as he spoke. 

“Let’s get your stars on,” Scott said softly as he moved to Nate’s night light and pressed to reset the timer in order to make it illuminate the room. He flicked the light switch off before heading over to Nate’s bed. He shuffled in beside his son. 

“Baff,” Nate said sleepily.

“He’s here,” Scott assured the toddler as he patted the stuffed toy that was already in Nate’s arms. He hadn’t put the giraffe down since Tessa had given it to him. It had been given the coveted status of favourite toy. Scott reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. He turned on the screen and lay down next to Nate so that they were both in the picture - Nate with his sleepy eyes and his giraffe and Scott leaning over him with a soft smile. He took a picture and instantly shared it via text.

_ Scott: Baff has been offered a space in the coveted big boy bed! _

He set his phone to silent as he watched Nate’s eyes close. 

_ Tess: He should consider himself honoured! I can attest that he is in for a good snooze! _

Scott smiled at the reply as he thought about how Tessa had fallen asleep in Nate’s bed. 

_ Scott: What are you doing with your Friday night? _

There was something within him that craved a connection with her. 

A picture appeared in the message window - a selfie of Tessa, hair wet and swept up dressed in her pajamas and holding a book and a glass of red wine. 

_ Scott: good company and good wine. _

He looked again at the photo as he waited for her to reply.

_ Tessa: indeed! How’s your evening going? _

_ Scott: probably about to get a whole lot more awkward now Nate is in bed! _

Tessa’s reply took a moment longer to arrive than was natural, and Scott wondered whether he had done the wrong thing by mentioning Jena’s presence. He didn’t want to put Tessa in an awkward position. 

_ Tessa: have you at least got good wine? _

He smiled at her witty reply. 

_ Scott: beer! And the thought of a long soak in the bath. _

_ Tessa: then, I think you will just about survive! _

_ Scott: think I’ll make it! _

_ Tessa: sweet dreams to Nate _

_ Tessa: and Baff! _

_ Scott: enjoy the wine! _

He slipped his phone back into his pocket before pulling up the sides on Nate’s bed and heading for the door. He looked back at the bed and smiled as he watched Nate turn in his sleep, pulling the giraffe with him. He pulled the door closed and headed downstairs. 

“Is he asleep?” Jena asked as Scott entered the lounge with a beer for them both. 

“Dead to the world,” Scott smiled as he lowered himself into the armchair. 

They both sat in silence and sipped their drinks. Unlike the comfortable silence that often fell between friends, the silence between them was somewhat awkward. 

“So,” Scott spoke into the chasm, “I thought you and Nate could spend the day together tomorrow,” he explained, “and then we could eat together tomorrow night.”

“You don’t have to-” Jena saw the kindness and responded. 

“It’s fine,” Scott assured her, “it’s important that he has time with you alone as well as with us both,” Scott explained. 

“Well, if you’re sure,” Jena’s voice was soft with appreciation. 

“Of course,” Scott smiled over at her, “he will like spending time with you, Jen,” he nodded in her direction. 

“Ok,” Jena met his eyes for the first time since she’d arrived, “thanks.”

“No worries,” Scott replied as he took a sip of his beer. He stretched his arms above his head as he yawned, “I’m shattered,” he announced, “Nate is into his early mornings at the moment!” he added with a chuckle, “I’m going to head up.”

“Sure.”

“You know which room you’re in?”

“Next to Nate’s?”

“Yes,” Scott confirmed as he got to his feet, “there are towels and everything else you should need in your room,” he told her, “but just let me know if you need anything.”

“Thanks,” Jena smiled as she watched Scott head for the door, “thanks Scott,” she said to his back, “thanks for allowing me to come and see him,” she expanded as he turned to smile at her. 

“Of course,” he smiled softly, “night, Jena,” his voice was quiet and laced with tiredness as he headed for the stairs. 

“Night, Scott.”

The next morning started just as early as the one before it had. Nate’s voice babbled over the baby monitor somewhere close to five. Scott’s eyes opened slowly as his son’s voice woke him. He heard Nate call him through the monitor. He threw his legs over the side of his bed and padded towards the toddler’s room. He pushed the door open and saw Nate, wide-eyed, standing up in his bed and waiting for the day to begin. 

“Morning, bud,” Scott said sleepily as he reached over the bed’s high side and picked Nate up. As was their morning routine, he headed back to his own bedroom and sat Nate on his bed whilst he went into his bathroom and started the water running into the tub. He shut the bathroom door and hopped back onto the bed. Nate, giraffe in tow, clambered along the mattress and crawled onto Scott’s lap. 

“What are we being this morning?” Scott asked as he propped himself up against the headboard.

“Woof!” Nate replied with a bounce on Scott’s lap.

“A doggy,” Scott smiled sleepily, “woof, woof, woof,” he copied Nate’s dog impression. 

“Ba ba ba,” Nate’s sheep impression was less accurate, but Scott recognised it all the same. 

“A sheep,” Scott smiled up at his son, “baaa!” he accentuated the ‘a’ in order to demonstrate the accurate sound to Nate.

“Naa,” Nate’s horse impression was probably only recognisable to Scott. 

“A horsey!” 

They ran through all of the animals Nate knew - each new impression less recognisable than the one that came before it - until the bath was ready for them. 

They both headed for the bathroom and discarded their pajamas on the floor. 

“Let me test first,” Scott told Nate as he put his hand into the water and swirled it around in order to ensure that the temperature was suitable for the toddler, “ok,” Scott informed Nate as he picked him up and placed him into the tub before stepping in himself. 

“Baff!” Nate reached out for his toy. 

“He can’t come in the bath,” Scott informed him, “remember,” he tried to remind Nate of the last time he’d tried to convince him that his giraffe was a suitable tub mate for them, “he looks after the clothes,” Scott reminded him as he tried to divert Nate’s attention with a toy boat. 

Remembering what his dad had told him before about his giraffe needing to look after their clothes, he checked that his new favourite toy was safe before turning his attention to the toys his dad was waiting for him to play with. As they played and splashed in the bath, Scott thought again about how lucky he was to be Nate’s dad. 

“Nate,” Scott got his son’s attention, “love you,” he blew a kiss at Nate as he spoke. 

“Uv you,” Nate replied as he kissed his hand and blew it towards Scott. 

Scott felt a light happiness settle over him. He felt like he could sit in the bath all day and enjoy Nate’s innocent company.  
Jena was at the breakfast table with a cup of coffee when Nate and Scott arrived in the kitchen both sporting matching towel dried hair. 

“Morning,” Jena chirped as she watched Scott put Nate straight into his high chair. 

“Sleep well?” Scott asked.

“Great, thanks,” Jena replied, “I made coffee,” she told him. 

“Thanks,” Scott grabbed a cup and filled it to the brim before taking a slug of the hot liquid. 

“Toast, Nate?” he asked over his shoulder as he got the bread from its bag and placed it in the toaster. 

“Puts,” Nate replied. 

“Puts?” Jena smiled at her son. 

“He’s discovered peanut butter,” Scott informed her as he pulled a jar from the cupboard and took the lid off. 

“Ah,” Jena smiled as she moved closer to Nate, “I see.”

Nate babbled happily at his mom whilst his toast was made. Scott appeared at the table with two plastic plates with toast on, “one for Nate,” he put one of the plates on Nate’s tray table as he spoke, “and one for Baff,” he said as he placed the other plate down followed by a sippy cup of water. 

“He really loves that giraffe,” Jena stated. 

“He does,” Scott smiled. 

“I haven’t seen it before,” Jena smiled. 

“No,” Scott felt his skin prickle with anxiety, “it’s a new one,” he informed her, “do you want toast?” he asked, “a muffin?”

“A muffin would be great,” Jena answered. 

“Blueberry?”

“Sounds great,” Jena responded.

“What are you two going to get upto today?” Scott filled the space with conversation as he pulled a muffin from a paper bag and set it on a plate. 

“I thought maybe we would go to the park,” Jena suggested. 

“He’d like that,” Scott nodded as he placed the muffin on the table in front of Jena, “there’s one close by if that suits you.”

“Perfect,” Jena nodded, “can we walk?”

“If you don’t mind carrying him a bit.”

“That’s fine.”

“And then dinner in London?” Scott checked that she was ok with the plans mentioned the previous evening. 

“Great.”

“There’s a restaurant with a child’s area that he really likes,” Scott explained, “you get the chance to enjoy a meal whilst he plays,” he added, “and they do proper food for kids,” he added as he drank his coffee, “not just chicken nuggets and fish fingers.”

“I look forward to it,” Jena smiled. 

The morning was spent playing in the garden. Nate was happy to show his mom around his new house and kept them all busy until lunch time. 

“Do you want to take a picnic to the park?” Scott asked Jena, “or eat before you go?”

“A picnic would be great!” Jena replied with enthusiasm. 

“I’ll put something together for you,” Scott smiled as he stepped into the kitchen. 

The sound of Nate and Jena playing outside made him smile - he was glad that Nate had the opportunity to spend some quality time with his mom before she moved away, and he hoped that he would remember at least some of the weekends he was to spend with her Ilderton. As he reached into the fridge to grab some ham and cheese to make sandwiches for the pair, his mind fell to his own afternoon plans. There was some washing to hang out and a few emails to send, but other than that, the hours lying ahead of him were empty. His phone was in his hand before he had time to think any further.

_ Scott: fancy coffee this afternoon? Thought we could do with a chat before the session with Mark on Monday? _

He placed his phone on the counter before taking four slices of bread from the packet and grabbing the butter. 

_ Tess: sounds like a good idea. My place? _

Scott smiled when he saw the reply. He was happy that they were both so committed to making the therapy with Mark work. After his skate he was more determined than ever to make sure that he and Tessa made progress with the rebuilding of their friendship, and making sure that they were taking their therapy seriously was one of the ways he knew they could ensure success. 

_ Great. See you in about an hour and a half. _

He was just packing Jena and Nate’s picnic into a bag when the pair bounded in from the garden. 

“Ready for the park?” Scott asked Nate. 

“Baff,” Nate held out his giraffe for Scott to kiss. Scott, more than accustomed to the mouth of fluff he was about to endure, obliged with a smile.

“We need to get you changed,” he told Nate. 

“I can do that,” Jena smiled helpfully. 

“His diapers and clothes are in his room,” Scott told her before watching her take Nate upstairs to get ready to go out. 

“Are you sure I can’t give you a lift to the park?” Scott asked for a final time as they all stood on the porch together. 

“Honestly,” Jena assured him, “we’ll be fine walking,” she smiled, “and I can always just check the map on my phone if we get lost.”

Scott nodded and helped her on with the bag containing the picnic. 

“Have a good time,” Scott told Nate, “and be a good boy.”

“Me good boy,” Nate responded. 

“You are,” Scott cooed back as he placed a kiss on the top of Nate’s head. 

He watched the pair leave, waving them goodbye until they were no longer visible on the driveway. 

Scott grabbed his phone, wallet and keys and headed for his car. He hummed quietly to the music playing from the radio as he made his way towards London. 

“Hey,” Tessa smiled as she opened the door to Scott, and he slipped quickly inside. Despite the fact that Jordan had ensured that her neighbours would rather eat their own digestive tracts than discuss what they observed happening in and around Tessa’s house, there was still a level of care that both Scott and Tessa knew it was sensible to take when spending time together. 

“Hey,” Scott returned her smile, “something smells good,” he commented as he kicked his shoes off in the hallway. 

“Cookies,” Tessa told him with a smile. 

“Homemade?”

“Yep?”

Scott looked around with a quizzical look on his face, “sorry, I think I must have the wrong house,” he grinned. 

Tessa let out a nervous giggle at his teasing. They made their way through to the kitchen where Tessa served them both a cup of hot coffee and placed a plate of freshly baked cookies on the kitchen counter between them. They both got comfortable at the breakfast bar as they stirred milk into their coffees. Scott took a cookie from the plate and bit into it. 

“Wow,” he managed through a mouthful of cookie, “T, these are really good,” his eyes were wide as he emphasised the word ‘really’. 

Tessa smiled at the compliment - she was sure he was over emphasising the quality of what, in reality was a simple cookie recipe, but she was still pleased to have made something that he enjoyed. 

“So, has the weekend been so far?” Tessa asked, turning her body towards him as she spoke. 

“It’s actually been ok,” Scott nodded as he took another cookie, “Jena arrived last night,” he explained, “we ate together and then then it was early nights all round.”

“Nate looked exhausted in the photo.”

“He’s spent most of the day yesterday in the garden,” Scott informed her, “so he was pretty shattered by bedtime.”

“How did he react to Jena being in the house?”

“Took it in his stride,” Scott’s eyebrows rose as he spoke.

“That’s good,” Tessa nodded. 

“I suppose his experiences up to now have made him pretty adaptable to change,” Scott suggested. 

“Probably,” Tessa agreed lightly, “although I think the fact that he is so happy and good natured helps.”

“Yeah,” Scott agreed with a smile. 

They drank their coffee and ate more of their cookies. 

“So, how are you feeling about our next session with Mark?” Tessa asked. 

“I’m looking forward to it, actually,” Scott looked over at her as he spoke. 

“Me too,” Tessa’s words followed his quickly. 

“So, how do you think the new rules have worked out?” Scott started the conversation. 

“Well,” Tessa dabbed at the crumbs on the counter with the pad of her thumb as she spoke, “I think it was quite tough to begin with,” she explained, “like we both said,” she reminded him, “it was strange not to be able to hug on the day you moved into your house.”

Scott nodded in agreement as she spoke, “that was a test, I think.”

“But it did feel like it got a bit easier after that,” Tessa offered, “once we were more used to it just not being an option.”

“Yeah,” Scott agreed, “I think it was a case of having to rewire our brains, almost.”

“Breaking habits,” Tessa added. 

“I think it is a rule we need, though?” Scott’s intonation checked her agreement. 

“Absolutely,” Tessa nodded in agreement, “and I think it means we have to find other ways to communicate.”

“Which is not a bad thing.”

“No.”

“And what friends do.”

“Exactly.”

They both allowed themselves to become lost in their thoughts as they drank with coffee. 

“I’ve really enjoyed being able to spend more time together,” Scott offered, “it’s been nice.”

“Me too,” Tessa answered quickly and with a smile. 

“The rules have really helped with that.”

“I feel like they have,” Tessa agreed, “but at the same time I don’t need to keep them at the forefront of my mind. I think our new way of being with each other is becoming more natural.”

“I’d agree with that.”

“And I really enjoyed looking after Nate the other night,” Tessa’s voice was tinged with self-consciousness as she shared her feelings with Scott, “it made me feel needed and trusted,” her tone indicated her vulnerability. 

“Of course I trust you, T,” Scott had to fight his muscle memory as he stopped himself from reaching out to touch her arm, “and I really appreciated you looking after Nate,” he added with a smile, “I am glad you’re part of his life,” it was Scott’s turn to show the vulnerability of his feelings. 

They both smiled silently at each other as they sat with their own vulnerability and acknowledged how the other was feeling. 

“And I am sorry,” Scott looked down at his fingers as he spoke words that he knew would leave him feeling exposed, “that I’m distant when Jena is around.”

“You’re here now,” Tessa said quickly in order to try to help his awkwardness. 

“You know what I mean,” Scott looked up at her. 

His words created silence between them. 

“I don’t expect you to want me around when she is, Scott,” Tessa’s words were kind and filled with understanding. 

“But it shouldn’t be like that,” Scott sighed. He realised that he couldn’t go into detail - Tessa knew nothing about the role that she played in the break up of his marriage. Well, the role she played for Jena, “if we’re friends we should be able to spend time together with the other people in our lives.”

“I’m not sure your ex-wife is strictly someone I need to spend time with, Scott.”

“But she’s Nate’s mom,” Scott pushed, “and you’re a part of Nate’s life too.”

Tessa remained silent. 

“I mean, I spent time with Ava at Marie and Patrice’s party and that was fine.”

“It wasn’t planned.”

“But we could go out for dinner now, couldn’t we?” Scott asked, “you and me and Ava?”

Tessa shrugged, “I don’t know, Scott,” her voice was a little strained, “as a double date, in the future, maybe I-”

“Oh, there won’t be any double dating!” Scott’s laughter helped to clear the awkward air that was beginning to gather, “I have Nate to focus on - I don’t need the drama of a relationship!”

“I was thinking more companionship and intimacy rather than drama,” Tessa smiled. 

“Well,” Scott sighed, “I find that where there is one the other follows!” he arched his eyebrows as he spoke. 

It was Tessa’s turn to look down into her lap. 

“T!” Scott realised how his words may have sounded, “I didn’t mean.. I wasn’t talk-”

“It’s ok,” she smiled brightly, “I have created my own fair share of drama, it’s fair to admit.”

“You know that’s not what I meant, T,” Scott leant towards her and forced her to make eye contact with him by locking eyes with her, “you know I don’t regret our relationship?” the question came quietly and was asked in order to seek reassurance. 

“I know that,” Tessa’s voice matched the level of his. 

“Ok,” Scott nodded softly. He knew they could not risk taking such a conversation any further, and broke the eye contact before straightening back up in his chair, “so, what do you think Mark will have in store for us on Monday?” he asked in a more sprightly tone. 

“A review, probably,” Tessa met his tone with hers, glad that the moment of closeness and emotional fragility had passed, “and more rules.”

“Hmm,” Scott agreed, “probably.”

“I think that it’s good that we can be open and honest,” Tessa stated, “so that we can get our friendship established: meet our goal.”

“Me too,” Scott agreed, “and move on as friends.”

With another round of cookies consumed, and gentle chatter abouts sports and their work offering safe ground for conversation, Scott bid Tessa farewell and headed back to Ilderton. He pulled into the drive with enough time to get inside and put the kettle on before Nate and Jena arrived home.

“Good afternoon?” Scott asked as Jena dropped the picnic bag onto the dining table. 

“Great,” she beamed insd reply, “although, I had forgotten just how exhausting a two year old can be,” she smiled as he flopped onto the sofa. 

“Oh, he sure can exhaust you,” Scott smiled as he picked Nate up. He looked into his son’s tired eyes, “I think you’d best have a nap before we go out for dinner,” he told Nate as he bopped his nose with his finger, “otherwise we will be in for a night of grumpy Nate!”

Scott carried Nate through to the lounge and found him his blanket. Nate didn’t need much encouragement and soon he and his giraffe were safely tucked up for a nap. 

“I’ll take the chance to grab a shower, if that’s ok?” Jena asked. 

“Of course,” Scott smiled, “enjoy the peace whilst you can,” he encouraged as he headed out to the deck with a steaming cup of tea and the baby monitor. So far, he mused, the day had been a success - having Jena visit had not been as stressful as he had anticipated it might be. 

With Nate fresh from his nap and Jena and Scott fresh from their own restful afternoons, the three headed out for an early dinner.

“So the place we’re headed is great for kids?” Jena asked as they cruised out of Ilderton. 

“It’s perfectly set up,” Scott told her, “there’s an eating area for families, but also a large play area that’s contained that you can see from your table.”

“I see,” Jena smiled, “so it’s actually possible to eat something rather than just try to entertain disinterested kids.”

“Nate likes the freedom,” Scott replied, “but you can see him at all times, so you always know he’s safe.”

“And they have good toddler food, you said?”

“Really good,” Scott confirmed, “real stuff - not processed rubbish.”

Jena smiled and nodded as she listened.

“And the adult menu is good, too,” Scott told her. 

“Do you eat there often?”

“Not really,” Scott turned to look at her as he spoke, “but if there is cause for a family celebration then it is usually our place of choice because it is so good for all the kids we usually have in tow.”

Nate, recognising the restaurant as a place of fun and food, bounced on the balls of his feet as Scott placed him down on the tarmac of the restaurant’s parking lot. He reached up for his dad’s hand as they headed towards the entrance. The fingers of his other hand were firmly curled around his giraffe. After a quick visit to the reception desk where Nate was given a packet of crayons and a colouring book, the family of three headed into the main room and the table that was awaiting them. As they rounded the corner and headed for their table, Nate let go of Scott’s hand and ran towards a table to their right. 

“Nate!” Jena called after her son as she watched him throw himself at another child. 

The boom of her voice made the family at the table turn to find the source of the sound. 

“Hello,” Jordan smiled down at Nate as he appeared at their table with a wide smile on his face. She turned her head to see Scott in the near distance. 

Scott felt Jena stiffen beside him. He noticed her shoulders tighten and move upwards. He knew in an instant exactly what she was thinking - what she had mistaken. Scott felt Jena step closer to him, instinctively protective of what used to be hers. He watched her eyes move to the swell of Jordan’s stomach as the older Virtue sister turned to face them.

“Hey, Jordan,” Scott smiled at Jordan as they met at her table, “how are you?”

He felt Jena relax beside him. Her body loosened as she realised that it was not Tessa; not the person she had fought so hard to ensure Scott eradicated from his life. Someone she was not ready to meet face to face, regardless of the status of her relationship with Scott, and the lack of right she had to dictate who he saw and included in his life. 

“Good,” Jordan smiled back at him softly. 

Scott and Jordan both looked over to where Ollie and Nate were hugging each other. 

“That’s the chance of either of them sitting down to eat a meal reduced to next to zero,” Scott smiled over at the boys. 

“Hi, Scott,” Ted stood up and greeted Scott, “good to see you,” he shook Scott’s hand. 

“And you, Ted,” Scott smiled, “how’s work?”

“No work talk!” Jordan intervened as if she was chastising two children. 

“Can’t tell you,” Ted smiled. 

“Nice to see you Jena,” Ted smiled over at Jena in order to include her in the conversation, “out to enjoy London’s premier dining experience?” he said in a sarcastic tone. 

“Hello sweetie,” Kate’s voice was cheery and light as she greeted Nate on her return from the bathroom. 

Scott smiled over at his son as he enveloped Kate in a hug. 

“Hi, Scott,” Kate smiled at Scott as she left the boys and headed back to the adults, “hi, Jena,” she added as she greeted Jena. 

“Hi,” Jena’s voice was cheery but unmistakably quivered. 

Whilst the Virtues had never been unkind to her, Jena knew that she was not the family’s most popular person. She was sure that Kate and Jordan saw her as the reason Scott and Tessa had broken up. 

“The boys are happy now,” Kate smiled as she talked about Nate and Ollie, “I doubt there will be much eating going on now though!”

“They seem to get on pretty well,” Jena’s comment was laced with suspicion and confusion. 

“Oh, they are inseparable,” Kate told her. 

“They go to the same kids’ club,” Jordan attempted to lessen the impact of her mother’s words. She had a suspicion that Jena was unaware of the amount of time the Moirs and Virtues (of several generations) were spending together, and she had enough intuition to know that such information was unlikely to go down well with Jena. 

They all looked over at boys who were about to head beneath the table in order to play out of the noise of the restaurant. 

“Ollie,” Jordan called, “don’t go under the table,” she smiled at him, “we can go to the play area in a moment,” she motioned for her son to come over to her. 

“Nate,” Scott called out, “come and choose some food, and then you can play with Ollie,” he assured his son. 

Both boys stood motionless looking at the adults with a sense of suspicion. The high chairs littered around the restaurant suggested that they were headed for food enforced capture rather than the freedom to play. 

“They’re eyeing us rather suspiciously,” Jordan giggled. 

“Come on, boys,” Scott smiled at the two toddlers, “you can play in a moment,” he assured them. 

Ollie disappeared beneath the table in order to retrieve something before the two of them headed towards their parents. 

“Good boy,” Scott praised Nate as he pulled him into his arms and held him on his hip. 

“Well done,” Ted showered praise on Ollie as he picked them up.

The two boys, looking pleased at their parents’ praise. Nate held his giraffe out to Ollie, and Ollie in return held out an identical giraffe. 

“Baff!” Nate cried as they hit their giraffes together. 

“Oh, Nate has a giraffe, too,” Ted smiled at Ollie as he watched the boys. 

“A giraffe like yours,” Kate smiled at Ollie. 

“Baff!” Nate bounced on Scott’s hip. 

“It has to come everywhere with us!” Ted told the group with slight exasperation, “the world was on the brink of ending at bedtime last night when we couldn’t find it.”

“Nate loves his too,” Jena smiled, happy to be able to make a contribution to the conversation.

“Oh, Ollie hasn’t put his down since Tessa sent it,” Kate added, “he thought getting a parcel in the post was magical.”

Scott felt Jena go rigid beside him. The giraffe’s origin was something that he had deliberately neglected to reveal as he knew that the fact Tessa had given it to Nate would not sit easily with Jena. He felt an uncomfortable heat blister at the collar of his shirt. He watched Jena’s hands clench at her sides - a tell tale sign that she was struggling with her emotions. He was overwhelmed with the need to exit the situation. He wanted to eliminate any drama or awkwardness. He considered making an excuse to leave the restaurant and head home. He looked up at Nate’s smile and was stopped in his tracks. He felt his mind level. There was no reason why Tessa couldn’t buy Nate a toy, and there was no reason for anyone - not him, or Nate or the Virtues - to hide the fact that she had. Tessa was in his life, she was in Nate’s life, and that was something that he wasn’t going to apologise for. 

“I’ve never had so many giraffe kisses,” Scott made an effort to make sure that his voice was light and his smile wide in order to make it clear to Jena that he was not going to indulge her anger, or apologise for his choice of friends. 

“Why don’t you join us?” Ted offered - it was more of an invitation than a question as he motioned over to a passing watier, “can you add a table?” he asked. The waiter quickly pulled a table over to the one that they were already sat at and laid it with cutlery. 

Scott knew that it was the last thing Jena was likely to want to do, but he felt something militant inside of him resolve that there was no reason why Nate shouldn’t be able to eat with his friend and his family. This was about putting Nate before themselves. He noticed that Jordan, who was infinitely more intune with body language than her husband, looked a little dubious at the idea. 

“That’s kind of you,” Scott smiled as he tried to relieve Jordan’s discomfort. He pulled out a chair for Jena to sit on before smiling over at the table, “drinks?” he asked, “wine?”  
There were nods all around and he turned to head to the bar. 

“I’m headed to the bathroom,” Jordan informed Ted as she placed a kiss on Ollie’s head, “make sure he chooses some food before you let him play,” she told her husband.  
Scott handed Nate over to Jena before heading towards the bar to get drinks. He had just reached the counter when he felt Jordan beside him. 

“Sorry, Jord,” he smiled, “I didn’t ask what you wanted to drink,” he apologised as he realised that he had taken account for the alcohol drinkers only. 

“Just a sparkling water,” Jordan told him, “Scott,” Jordan’s voice was a little unsure as she spoke. 

“Jordan, is everything ok?” her tone got Scott’s attention. 

“Scott, I need to ask you about something,” Jordan’s voice was serious as she spoke. 

“Ok,” Scott turned his attention from the bar and to Jordan. 

“I know you and Tess are having joint therapy,” she began, “and I know it’s private,” she added, “I’m not asking you for any information,” she made clear, “but I need to know what she’s told you about Ava.”

“About Ava?” Scott was surprised by the question. 

“About her relationship with Ava.”

“It’s not something we’ve really talked about,” Scott’s brow creased as he spoke. 

“I don’t mean details,” Jordan seemed frustrated at her own lack of clarity, “I mean the status of her relationship with Ava.”

“The status?” Scott’s confusion was not lessening. 

“Has she told you that they’re together?”

“Together?” Scott asked, “they’re in a relationship - that’s together isn’t it?”

“Ok,” Jordan’s eyes narrowed. 

“Jordan?” Scott asked, “what is this about?”

Jordan rubbed her fingers across her forehead. If they were all going to sit down to eat together then she was going to need to be clear about exactly what was and wasn’t known. She hated the lies and the confusion and the hiding, and she didn’t want the meal to be any more awkward than it was already set up to be. 

“So, she hasn’t told you that they are on a break?”

“On a break?” Scott’s voice showed the shock that Jordan was expecting, “no.”

“Ok,” Jordan took a deep breath, “well, that’s what she told me, Scott.”

“Well, it’s her relationship, Jordan. Maybe she doesn’t want me to know.”

“Except that Mom and I saw Ava in a coffee shop and as far as she is concerned they have broken up.”

“Well, maybe they’re working through things,” Scott suggested, “a break, break-up, it’s just words,” he offered. 

“Scott, Ava is moving out of town to make a fresh start,” Jordan informed him starkly.

Scott was speechless. 

“Something is going on with her,” Jordan’s voice was hard and serious. 

Scott felt something shift in his stomach. 

“My mom is planning to speak to her about it,” Jordan informed Scott. 

“No,” Scott’s response was immediate and a little more forcible than he had meant it to be, “no,” he repeated more softly, “let me speak to her,” he told Jordan, “we’re in therapy. We can do it in a safe space,” he explained, “if she is lying we need to approach it carefully.”

“I agree,” Jordan was noticeably relieved at the suggestion as she felt some support at last and the burden of her secret eased a little, “but my mom doesn’t even know that the two of you are in therapy,” Jordan explained, “or that you’ve been spending time together lately?” Jordan’s question was exploratory and tentative. 

“We’re working on our friendship,” Scott’s reply was defensive. 

“We’ve barely heard from her in the past few weeks.”

“She’s been over a few times,” Scott was aware of underplaying the truth a little, “that’s all,” he added. 

“You know my mom is still so protective of her,” Jordan reminded him. She didn’t need to elaborate on the fact that she was protective of Tessa and the threat that Scott presented. 

“I’ll talk to Kate,” Scott told Jordan.

“Sco-”

“Jordan, this is not something you need to be concerned with at the moment,” Scott told her, “and I know that Tessa would be of the same opinion,” he added, “we all want you to concentrate on your pregnancy,” he assured her “I will talk to Kate,” he repeated. 

Jordan inhaled and nodded. 

“Seriously, Jord,” Scott smiled softly at her, “don’t stress about this,” he rubbed the length of her arm, “I will sort it.”

“Ok, Scott,” Jordan smiled, “ok,” she repeated. She felt a sense of peace fall over her as she felt the weight of her worries lift from her shoulders. She was happy to have someone on her side and for the burden of the secrets she was carrying to be lessened. 

There was no denying that the meal was not a completely relaxed affair, but watching the boys play in the nearby play room was a welcome distraction from any awkwardness. Once they had been persuaded to eat there was also their needs and cuteness to fill the space between the adults’ words. Having managed to get the boys to sit at the table to eat their main meal and dessert, both sets of parents were happy to let them play whilst they enjoyed coffee. 

“Grandma play,” Ollie pulled at Kate’s hand once he was allowed out of his chair. 

Kate smiled as she got to her feet to follow him and Nate towards the play area. Scott took his opportunity and pushed himself out of his chair in order to follow. 

“Do you not want coffee?” Jena asked. 

“I’m good,” Scott smiled at her. He knew that her enquiry was more about not wanting him to leave her rather than her concern for his caffeine desires, but he needed to talk to Kate and he was sure that Jena could manage coffee with Jordan and Ted without him, “think I’ll go and see what is so fantastic about the play area,” he smiled as he followed a happy Nate towards the play area. 

Once behind the glass and in the enclosed space of the play area, Scott and Kate found stools to perch on in order to watch the boys play. The toddlers showed little interest in the adults as they played with the room’s toys, their giraffes at their sides. 

“I love watching them play together,” Kate smiled as she watched them. 

“They certainly get along well,” Scott replied. He knew that he had to work quickly in order to take control of the conversation. However, the prospect of discussing Tessa with Kate filled him with a sense of dread, and he felt nerves roll through his stomach. He wondered how to approach the conversation. Kate was an intelligent woman, and he knew that there was little point trying to disguise his intentions behind conversation that circumnavigated the issue. He also knew that Kate knew him well enough to know when he was being disingenuous. 

“Jordan told me that you bumped into Ava,” he plunged straight in. 

Kate’s head snapped to meet his eyes, “we did,” her voice was laced with suspicion. 

“I know that it looks like Tessa has been lying to you,” he pushed on. 

“And has she?” Kate’s voice was sharp and interrogative. 

“I don’t know,” Scott admitted with a hint of resignation in his voice. 

“Right,” Kate’s voice became harder and colder. Scott knew that she was thinking about the fact that Scott was not someone who they had allowed to be privy to Tessa’s life and feelings. She had spent a long time helping her daughter recover from the pain he had caused her, and whilst she accepted his renewed presence in their lives, there was still an instinctual energy within her that initiated a defensive feeling within her .

“Kate,” Scott’s tone was almost a plea for her forgiveness, “Tess and I, we’ve-”

Kate’s widened eyes and cutting look sliced through the air between them, “no,” she started with a warning tone in her voice. 

“Kate, no,” Scott was quick to correct her, “it’s nothing like that,” he put his hands out as if to stop her thoughts as they gained motion, “we’re friends,” he explained, “we’re trying to build a friendship,” he elaborated. 

Kate’s eyes narrowed with suspicion as she listened to his words. 

“We’re,” Scott felt his throat dry up as he spoke, “we’re seeing a therapist,” he explained. 

“Couples therapy?” Kate’s words were quick and sharp and fuelled with suspicion. 

“No,” Scott corrected her quickly, “joint therapy,” he explained, “so that we can be friends.”

“Friends therapy?” Kate’s tone was tinged with disbelief and confusion. 

“I suppose you could call it that, yes,” Scott agreed. 

“With Gloria?”

“No,” Scott shook his head, “with another therapist,” he told her, “Gloria’s husband, actually.”

“Ok,” the way Kate spoke told Scott that she was somewhat unsure about the concept, but he had to ignore that in favour of getting to the real content of the conversation. 

“She’s not mentioned splitting up with Ava,” Scott informed Kate. 

“Did she tell you they were on a break?”

“No,” Scott shook his head, “she never gave any indication that there was anything wrong between them,” Scott admitted. 

Kate inhaled deeply. It was clear that the new information that Scott was giving to her was adding to her worries about her youngest. 

“I understand that you’re her mom, Kate,” Scott pinched the pad of his thumb between his other thumb and forefinger as he spoke, “and I know that I am the last person you are likely to trust with her,” his head fell as she spoke. He was unable to look the woman who had been like a mother to him for two decades in the face as he thought of the pain he had caused her child, “and I know that I have no right to even ask,” his voice weakened as he spoke, “but can you please let me speak to her about it?” his question was more a plea than an enquiry, “we’re in therapy,” he rushed to explain, “and so we have a safe space to be able to talk about the issue.”

“Scott,” Kate rubbed her forehead with her fingers as she spoke, “I don’t know, I-,”

“I know you owe me nothing, Kate,” Scott felt exposed as he spoke, but he knew that convincing Kate into allowing him to tackle Tessa was the right thing to do, even if that meant exposing his own feelings of weakness and guilt to her, “but for Tessa,” he felt himself becoming less clear as he spoke, “I don’t know why she has hidden the truth from you,” his voice was soft as he spoke, “but I know that confronting her about it could send her backwards,” he felt vulnerable as he told Tessa’s mother what was best for her, “she is comfortable in our therapy with Mark, and we are making good progress.”

Kate was silent for a moment as she thought. 

“So,” her voice was level as she spoke, “in the last few weeks,” she started, “I am going to assume that the reason we’ve not seen much of her is because she has been with you,” her eyes fixed him to the spot. 

“She’s been round a few times,” Scott felt the gaze pin him to the stool he was on. 

“And you’ve been to hers?”

“We had homework,” he felt like a teenager all over again, “from the therapy,” he explained himself, “we had to spend some time together.”

Kate was silent and her facial expression showed that she was somewhat dubious of the situation, “ok,” she said finally, “but I’m not happy about the secrets, Scott.”

“Nor am I,” Scott was quick to answer as she felt a sense of relief fall in his chest. 

“I want to know what is going on with her,” Kate’s words were a directive. 

“Ok,” Scott agreed eagerly. 

“And I don’t want Jordan involved unnecessarily,” she mandated. 

“I understand,” Scott nodded. 

“So you come to me,” Kate outlined. 

Scott nodded. He had no intention of telling stories between Kate and Tessa. He would talk to Tessa, find out what was going on and have an honest conversation with her. He knew that they had a relationship that other people didn’t understand; had never understood. Whilst it may be a very different relationship now to what it had been in the past, it was still a private relationship. It was something between them. He was aware of the fact that Kate and Jordan didn’t fully trust him, and he understood that, but they also didn’t understand how he had changed and where he and Tessa had worked their way to. 

The drive home was studded with barbed silence, and Scott had to control his desire to stand his ground and state his case. He knew that the silence would break, and he knew it was likely to be an argument. As he stared at the road ahead he was reminded that he was no longer the person he used to be - no longer the man he was when he was married to Jena. There was no reason for him to step on eggshells around her. He was a free man, and he did not need to defend his personal life to her. 

“So, Nate spends quite a bit of time with Ollie, then?” Jena had a knack for using a seemingly innocent question to cloak a more explosive one. 

“They go to the same kid’s club,” Scott’s eyes didn’t leave the road as he spoke. He was aware of the argument that Jena was looking for, and he was determined that she was not going to find it. 

“And with Tessa, it seems,” her words were barbed. 

“She visits us at the house sometimes,” Scott said simply, “she has been helping me move in.”

“I see.”

Scott knew that the plain words were bait, and there had been a time not long ago when he would have bitten so that Jena could strike. However, he remained calm and silent as he waited her out. 

“And he calls her Bessie?” it was a loaded question. 

“Ollie does,” Scott replied, “and Nate copied him.”

Jena gave no response. She had heard her son say the name on several occasions when he had been staying with her, but she had never linked the two. 

“Are you seeing her?” the question was plain and cold. 

“Nope,” his answer was on the tip of his tongue. 

“She’s in our son’s life, but you’re not seeing her,” Jena stated, “seems a bit odd.”

“Odd?” Scott was lost - he could usually track the exact trajectory of Jena’s conversations and argumentations, but her logic failed him. 

“To invite someone into our son’s life but not commit yourself,” her tone was bordering on spiteful. 

“Tessa and I are friends,” Scott stated, still a little unclear of what Jena was trying to get at, “she’s in my life as a friend, we spend time together as friends, and so she is in Nate’s life.”

“Don’t you think he’s had enough upheaval lately?”

It was on the tip of Scott’s tongue to mention her move away and the upheaval that would cause, but he checked himself and restrained himself. She was looking for a fight - she would not find one with him, “there’s no upheaval,” Scott informed her in a business like manner, “Tess and I are friends and she visits sometimes, that’s all.”

“It’s not what we agreed!” the edge of impatience in Jena’s voice told Scott that she was becoming frustrated at his lack of response. 

“I don’t remember agreeing that I wasn’t allowed to have friends, Jena!”

“I don’t remember agreeing that your ex was allowed to parent our child!”

Scott allowed the silence to ripple between them. He wanted to bite. Wanted to tell her that Tessa was not parenting Nate, but he held his tongue. 

“You know that’s not what’s happening, Jen,” he tried his best to make his voice soft and unthreatening, “we’re Nate’s parents,” he stated, “you and I,” he added, “nothing changes that.”

Jena, taken aback by Scott’s calm tone, was stunned into silence. 

“Neither of us can dictate who is in the other’s life,” Scott outlined to her, “I don’t ask about who is in your life in New York,” he reminded her. 

Another silence. Clearly Jena had not considered her own actions, “no one has ever been in the apartment when Nate’s been there,” she clarified. 

“Ok,” Scott shrugged, “but I trust you to judge if and when it is ok for him to meet people in your life,” he told her. 

“There isn’t anyone,” Jena was quick to tell him, “anyone ‘like that’, you know?” she made clear.

“Ok,” Scott said lightly, “and neither is there in my life,” he made clear, “but someday maybe you will find someone,” he reminded her, “and I trust that you will pick someone who will be ok with Nate, and that you will manage the situation well,” he said. 

The rest of the car journey was spent in silence with each of them processing what they other had said. Scott’s mind moved swiftly on to the conversation that he was planning to have with Tessa and the he couldn’t escape the threads of anxiety that started to show themselves as he wondered why she had lied to Kate and Jordan. He wasn’t sure of her thoughts and motivations, but one thing he was certain of was his desire to help and support her. This time he would be there to help and to understand. This time he would stay.


	59. Chapter Fifty Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.   
Lovely to be connecting with you all again.

Mark’s office smelled of lavender as the gentle breeze that blew softly through the window picked up the scent of the fresh potted plant that stood on the window’s ledge. Tessa smiled at the smell as it washed its calmness over her. She knew that the plant’s presence would be Gloria’s work, and smiled at the love of flowers that she and the older woman shared. 

“Smells lovely in here,” Tessa smiled over at Mark as she took her seat and dropped her bag to the floor. 

“Gloria’s idea of lightening the place up,” Mark arched his eyebrows as he replied, “was starting to smell like a man cave, apparently!”

Tessa chuckled softly. 

“Oh, that old excuse to fill the place with flowers,” it was Scott’s turn to arch his eyebrows in Tessa’s direction. 

Tessa threw him a look of faux confusion along with a playful smile. 

Mark marvelled once more at how the pair, so intent on looking to the future and forgetting the past, were such a patchwork of their years and experiences together. It was as if they weren’t entirely separate people. Or, that they were, but that they were also two halves of a whole. He stopped for a moment and considered what would be possible for them as a couple if their intentions were different. 

“It’s nice to see you both,” Mark smiled over at them once the three were comfortable, “I hope you’re both well?”

Tessa and Scott both nodded and smiled as they told him that they were well and enjoying the warm weather that had fallen over the last week. 

“So,” Mark’s change in tone marked the start of the session and he leant back in his chair, “last time we met we established some rules,” he reminded them, “and chatted a little about your friendship and its stages,” he pointed to the flip chart that stood across the room from them, “and I think we established that our goal is to create a friendship between the two of you you that is fulfilling and sustainable.”

“I think that about covers it,” Scott smiled in response. 

“So today we’re going to start off by reviewing how you’ve found the new rules,” Mark made soft hand gestures as he spoke, “and to discuss how they are working, what the challenges have been around them and whether you think that they are useful.”

Tessa and Scott nodded in unison as they listened carefully to Mark’s words. 

“So, remind me of the rules we had in place,” Mark set the ball rolling. Of course, he knew what they had decided upon, but he felt it was important to hear the rules explained from Tessa and Scott’s point of view so that he could establish their perspective on them. Quite often he found that once his clients took the agreed rules out of the therapy room and into their real lives they tended to take on a new shape and this gave some interesting insight into the journey his clients were on. 

“Well,” Scott began, “we decided that in order to move forward with our new friendship we would need to eliminate any physical contact,” he answered. 

Tessa looked at him and nodded as he spoke before adding to what he had said, “and that we would not go into each other’s bedrooms,” she added. 

“Ok,” Mark nodded. It seemed that they had stuck to the wording of the rules they had agreed in the previous session, now he was interested to see whether they had adhered to the principles, “and how did you find them practice?” he asked. 

“I think we agreed we found it difficult to begin with?” Scott checked in with Tessa as he spoke. 

“Yes,” she nodded in agreement, “quite soon after the session there was a moment where we would have hugged each other, and it felt odd not to.”

“Can you talk me through that moment, Tessa?” Mark asked. 

“Well,” Tessa shuffled in her chair as she began to speak. She felt somewhat under inspection and wanted to make sure that she gave a comprehensive and honest answer to the question, “it was Scott’s moving day,” she started to explain, “he and Nate were moving into their new house,” she elaborated, “and I was helping out,” she paused for a moment before going on, “I arrived and handed Scott a bottle of champagne,” she explained, “as a celebration,” she made clear. 

Mark nodded and gave a soft verbal sign of understanding. 

“And when I handed the bottle to him I had to stop myself from hugging him,” she outlined, “because that’s a moment when we would naturally hug,” she finished. 

“I think it’s a situation in which many friends would naturally hug,” Scott added as he looked over at Tessa. 

Tessa nodded in response to his words. 

“Yes,” Mark agreed, “I think so,” he confirmed, “but you couldn’t,” he stated, “and how did that make you feel?” he looked back to Tessa. 

“A bit awkward, I suppose,” she said after a pause, “I think when we spoke about it afterwards we both identified the need to be able to use language in place of physical contact to communicate,” she looked over at Scott for assurance as she spoke. 

“We both identified on that,” he agreed, “that often we use touch where we now need to use words.”

“So you spoke about it?” Mark asked with a tone of surprise in his voice. 

“We talked about how the rules were working, yes,” Scott nodded. 

“Well, that’s good as far as improving communication goes,” Mark smiled as he praised them. 

Tessa and Scott both pinked slightly at the compliment. 

“Were there any other moments?”

“I think there have been a few times,” Scott began, his voice less sure than it had been previously, “for me,” he established, “where I have just wanted to reach out and had to stop myself.”

“Such as?” Mark was aware that he was pushing, but also knew that it was needed. 

“The other day,” Scott began, “Tessa said something,” he stopped and thought. He knew that Mark would ask for the details, and he was already resolute on honesty, so he prepared to add the details of the moment he was thinking of, “we were talking about Nate,” he offered, “Tessa said that she had enjoyed looking after him and that it had made her feel needed,” he looked over and made eye contact with her in order to tell her that she was safe and that he was not going to expose her to anything, he needed her to know that he was being careful with her emotions. He needed her to know that she could trust him, not only because their friendship needed it, but also because the session needed it. He was going to bring up her relationship with Ava later in the session, and he needed for her to be open and to trust in him if he was to get the truth from her, “and I wanted to let her know that I trust her with Nate,” he looked at her as he spoke and she met his gaze for a moment before looking down, “my instinct was to reach out and touch her,” he explained, “to create that connection between us. It was like instinct.”

“And did you?” Mark asked, “reach out and touch her?”

“No,” Scott shook his head, “I had this moment where I remembered and I drew back.”

“And how did that feel?”

Scott thought for a moment, “weird, if I’m honest,” he confessed, “not natural,” he explained, “but I understand why and know it was the right thing to do,” he added quickly, not wanting Tessa or Mark to think that he was in any way dismissive of the rules or unmotivated to reach their goal. 

“How was that moment for you, Tessa?” Mark asked. 

“It felt different,” she said slowly. 

“Different?”

“Different to what we would usually do,” she explained, “to how we would usually act.”

“Ok,” Mark nodded, “in what way?”

“I think when there’s a moment of vulnerability,” she started, “for either of us, we anticipate that the other will meet it with reassurance,” she explained, “when we were competing, when you’re out on the ice in front of a crowd of people and judges and the expectation and pressure are there, there is a vulnerability that really cloaks you and it’s comforting to know that the other person realises that and shares in it and meets it with comfort.”

“A comforting touch rather than words?”

“There are a lot of words flying about in those situations,” Scott picks up the explanation, “coaches are talking, family are offering reassurance, the crowd is a babble and snatched voices,” he painted the picture for Mark, “but touch is private and intimate.”

“It can create a world within a world,” Tessa said after some thought. 

“Your own peace in the chaos.”

“Exactly that,” Scott agreed, “and that’s how it has become a language for us,” he explained, “like we said before about needing to communicate verbally rather than physically.”

“But in the moment you are referring to,” Mark began, “when you wanted to reassure Tessa,” he added, “that wasn’t a moment like those you experienced when you were competing - there wasn’t a rink full of people and chaos. It was just the two of you.”

Scott nodded in agreement. Tessa’s nod was slower as she anticipated Mark’s next question. 

“So that level of comfort, the situation you were in, when would that have happened in your previous relationships?”

Scott fell silent and Tessa picked up the question. 

“When we were alone,” she stated, “as friends.”

Mark noted the added phrase at the end of her answer. He was planning to take the session into much deeper, more private territory, and he could tell that he would need to be delicate as he did. 

“So there was a lack of distinction between on ice and off ice behaviour?”

“In the end,” Scott nodded. 

“But that was part of what made us successful,” Tessa added quickly. 

“How so?”

“Because it was real,” Scott stated, “the emotion, I mean,” he clarified, “we were telling stories, but a lot of the time the feelings were real.”

They sat for a moment as Scott’s words filled the room. Mark started to understand just how much the two were wound around each other. 

“This is something I want us to discuss in more detail,” Mark told them, “later in this sessions and in our time together, as I think that it is a key thing for us to work through,” he told them, “but let’s just come back to the moment you were talking about Scott,” he said softly, “did you replaced the touch with words?” he asked, “do you feel like you were able to reach the same level of communication as the touch would have given you?”

Scott paused and rubbed his fingers across his chin as he thought about his response, “not really,” he said at last, “I told her that I trusted her and that I was happy she was in Nate’s life,” he said as he thought back to the moment in Tessa’s kitchen, “but I would have said that anyway,” he made clear, “there did feel like there was something missing,” he admitted, “it didn’t feel like the same level, like you say.”

Mark nodded as he digested the information, and watched the pair do the same, “and was that, do you think, because of the absence of the touch, or because of your awareness of the status of your relationship?”

A look of confusion swept across Scott’s face. Mark picked up on it and added more detail, “was the lack of touch the thing that lessened the interaction, or was it the fact that you were aware of the emotional boundaries that are now in place?” he asked, “before,” he went on, “even when you were friends, there was always the possibility and availability of something more happening,” he explained, “a deeper level of intimacy,” he added, “but there are restraints now,” he explained.

The pair, taken aback by the question, fell into silence. 

“I think,” Tessa began as she felt the need to fill the silence that they had left, “I don’t think we were aware of that at the time.”

“No,” Scott agreed, “I don’t think I was thinking about anything more than just touching her arm,” he offered, “but I understand what you’re saying,” he went on as the thoughts started to organise themselves more clearly in his mind, “that, below the surface perhaps my mind was thinking that there was a limit to the comfort I could offer.”

Mark nodded as he watched them both thinking. It was clear that the thoughts were somewhat difficult for them to sift through. He saw the situation as a perfect opportunity to move on to the topic that he had planned for discussion during the session, “in the past,” he began, “you used intimacy as a way to offer each other comfort?”

The question created a void in the room. Tessa looked down at her lap and Scott ran his fingers through his hair. 

Mark knew the topic was a difficult one, but he also knew that it was vital that they explore it if the pair were serious about moving on and creating a successful friendship. Sex and intimacy played differing and complicated roles in their past relationships, and he knew that they needed to work out how they had used them if they were to move on and to avoid repeating the same mistakes they’d made in the past. 

“In the past,” he began again, “think about the time when you friends, not lovers, but were also involved in a sexually intimate relationship with each other,” he watched them both inhale deeply as they digested his words, “what role did sex play in your relationship in those circumstances?”

“When we were friends and not a couple?” Scott asked in order to confirm what was being discussed. 

“Yes,” Mark nodded. 

“I think it’s fair to say that we used sex as a form of comfort,” Scott looked only at Tessa as he spoke.

Tessa, clearly uncomfortable with the discussion that was developing, nodded without looking at Scott. Scott waited, and trained his eyes softly on her knowing that she would feel him there calling her eyes to his. She looked up and found the hazel of his eyes there waiting for her and offering reassurance. He squinted slightly, creating soft creases around his eyes in a look that told her it was ok to be vulnerable, and that he was there to support her and to field any difficult questions. It was their way. In the past, in media interviews, she had always taken the lead, always knew the right things to say, always had the line prepared, but when it came to talking about their feelings in intimate situations - in therapy sessions - he had always been the one to offer the reassurance and lead them through the difficulty. He looked at her now and told her that nothing had changed, silently and privately they referred back to an earlier time and to a past life - a life that no matter how much they tried to ignore the existence of, was foundational and a part of who they were - together and alone. 

“I’d agree with that,” Tessa said finally before looking over at Mark, “when we were friends,” she said, “it was a way to achieve a depth of communication and comfort.”

Mark nodded and smiled at the progress, “give me an example,” he crossed one leg over the other as he spoke and settled comfortably into his chair, “an example of a time in the past, when you were friends, that you used sex as a comfort.”

Tessa shuffled in her chair, and Scott cleared his throat. They both felt a new level of exposure prickle against their skin. 

Scott hunched his shoulders and blew air through puffed cheeks. 

“I don’t know,” he looked over at Tessa as he searched through his memory, “erm,” he asked her. 

She widened her eyes at him as she too tried to think of an example they were both ok discussing. 

“The first time?” Scott asked. 

“No,” Tessa shut the idea down straight away. 

Mark watched the interaction and was interested to note that discussion of their first sexual encounter was clearly off limits. He also found it interesting that the first time they slept together was also clearly associated with the desire to comfort each other. He made a mental note to come back to the information at a later date. Tessa’s tone and rapidity in opposing the idea told him that pushing it would likely make her close up. 

“The Great Wall?” 

Another shake of the head. 

“Montreal?” Scott suggested, “that first week?”

Tessa thought for a moment, “ok,” she agreed. 

“When we first moved to Montreal,” Scott turned to Mark and began to speak, “at the start of the comeback,” he explained, “there was a lot of pressure. Our families thought we were making a mistake, we felt out of shape, and we were moving somewhere new and unknown,” he painted a picture for Mark, “and the training was a shock,” he arched one eyebrow as he spoke, “more for me than Tessa,” he added, “I wasn’t in great shape at all!” 

“It was tough for us both,” Tessa added as she listened to Scott berate himself and the hard work that he has put into his training at that point. 

“It was tough,” Scott met Tessa’s eyes for a moment and smiled softly before carrying on with his explanation, “we’d spend the day in the gym and our bodies would be in pain,” he gestured as he spoke, “we were in physical pain a lot of the time, but there was also the mental games as well,” he outlined, “the doubt and the nagging to give up.”

“Sounds tough,” Mark sympathised. 

“We were living in the same building,” Scott described, “but we spent most of our time in Tessa’s apartment because we ate together and discussed the day and training and things.”

“Can you think of a specific occasion?” 

“There was one particualrly tough day,” Scott went on, “in the second week,” he expanded, “we had been in the gym for most of the week and we were both wrecked.”

Tessa swallowed as she thought back to the day that Scott was referring to. He looked over at her to check that she was ok for him to continue, she nodded. 

“Like most evenings, we’d soaked in the tub,” he explained. 

“Together?” Mark already knew the answer. 

“Yes,” Scott replied, “it was part of our routine,” he explained, “getting home with aching muscles and soaking in the bath.”

Mark nodded. 

“Eating was part of the routine too,” Scott went on, “we were on a strict plan, so it was a case of warming food up rather than cooking, and I don’t think either of us would really call the food satisfying.”

“No,” Tessa made a contribution, “it was all part of the plan,” she said, “the training and the journey.”

“After we’d eaten we’d usually sit and talk about the day or discuss training the day or ideas for a routine or something like that,” Scott explained. 

“Something skating related,” Tessa added. 

“But I think we were both just so sick of it all that day that we wanted to think about and feel anything but skating,” Scott went on, “we just fell onto the sofa and I started massaging Tessa’s legs because I knew they would be throbbing.”

“Which is something that you did a lot,” Tessa looked at Scott for confirmation, “that’s a sense of connection, of touch, that has always been there.”

“Yes, it is,” Scott confirmed, “and it is usually because of Tessa’s surgery and the fact that the training and the skating is punishing,” Scott explained, “but that wasn’t why I was doing it that night, I don’t think,” his tone was affected slightly by his honesty, “I think we were both so tired and hurting in so many ways that we just wanted to be close to each other,” he explained. 

“I think there is the sense that no one but the other one of us understands what it’s like,” Tessa felt her words leave her in an inarticulate manner, but explaining the situation helped her to understand it in her own mind, “what I mean,” she tried again, “is that you feel isolated together and there is some comfort in knowing that the other person understands what you are going through.”

Mark nodded and smiled as she opened up. 

“One thing led to another,” Scott plunged, “and we had sex that I remember being, I don’t know,” he ran his palms along the knees of his trousers as he spoke, “different.”

Tessa looked down at her hands. 

“Do you agree with that, Tessa?” Mark asked. 

There was a moment of silence as she found her voice, “I think there was just a level of understanding beneath it that we both needed,” she said finally. 

“When you say different,” Mark asked, “different to when?”

A pause. 

“The other days that week,” Scott blushed slightly as he gave the answer. 

“All of the other days that week?” Mark asked carefully. 

The pair looked at each other before confirming with a nod. 

“So the sex was regular at this point?” Mark asked. 

“Yes,” Scott voiced the answer for them both. 

As Mark had expected, the times at which the pair felt most pressure and most vulnerability were the times they relied on sexual intimacy. 

“How did it feel? Mark knew his question was likely to send them back into themselves for a moment, but he also knew that they would rememerge and answer honestly. 

Tessa looked down once more. 

Scott cleared his throat. During their couples therapy they had touched lightly on the sexual nature of their relationship, but there had been an unwritten rule (which, unbeknownst to them, even now, had been advised by Marie France) that their sexual relationship was not open to exploration. He was not coy about sex, and felt comfortable talking about it, but the conversation that was unravelling was becoming increasingly intense and revealing and he worried that it was something he and Tess had never really explored before. But then, he reasoned, that was why they were sitting in a therapist's office again. They both wanted to move forwards and to be friends, and if digging through their past sexual encounters was what it took, then so be it. He was willing to do whatever it took to build a friendship with her, to have her in his life, and to address whatever it was that was going on with her and Ava. 

“It felt good,” Scott plunged, “it wasn’t as,” he searched for the right word and felt his cheeks heat. 

“As physical,” Tessa finished for him. 

“Yeah,” Scott said in a tone of agreement as he looked over at her. His eyes told her that he was happy to have her in the conversation with him, “it was more,” he shuffled back in his chair, “more intense but comforting?” he looked over at Tessa as he spoke. 

“Yeah,” it was her turn to agree, “I think there was a lot of feeling in it.”

“I think we were telling each other that it was ok,” Scott went on, “that we were going to be ok,” he added. 

“You spoke with your bodies.”

“I think we did,” Scott nodded, “it was slower,” he offered, “and I think that was part exhaustion,” his voice gained confidence as he spoke, “and part just not wanting it to end because there was a feeling of unity.”

“And closeness,” Tessa added, “I think we felt close to each other.”

“Were you physically close?” Mark asked with no blush or hesitation in his voice, “were your bodies close?”

Scott felt himself shrink a little at the question and he felt his cheeks begin to burn. His sense of chivalry kicked in and he drove ahead with the answer in order to prevent Tessa from having to give a description of what became one of the favoured sexual position. 

“We were close,” he confirmed, “I was sat on the sofa,” he felt the heat rise in his neck as he spoke, “and Tessa was sat on me,” he curled his fingers to prevent his hands from drawing pictures, “with her arms and legs wrapped around me,” he described. He felt her closeness then, the way her arms around his body held him close and eliminated the space between them. Her skin was soft against his and her scent filled him with a sense of intoxication. 

Tessa marvelled at how what had been such a sensual moment felt cold and stoney as Scott described it. 

“Was there kissing?”

Silence. 

“Yeah.”

“Was there usually?”

“Yes.”

“But that was different, too,” Tessa voice came back to life as she looked at Scott as she spoke in order to check that he was in agreement with what she was saying before she continued, “it felt more…,” she struggled to find the right word. 

“I think that’s just it,” Scott looked into her eyes as she spoke, “I think ‘more’ sums the whole thing up, really,” he shrugged, “the whole thing seemed more intimate, more sensual and more comforting.”

Tessa nodded in agreement. 

“You’ve been really open and honest about a very personal and private issue,” Mark smiled at them, “and I think the way in which you speak about the encounter makes it sound very clear that you used sex as a way to connect and to comfort each other and to seek comfort from each other.”

The pair nodded as they listened. 

“It played a big part in your friendship,” Mark looked for their agreement as he spoke, “and I don’t think we should underestimate the hole that it leaves in your ability to communicate with each other,” he said kindly, “it is a form of communication that you have relied on in the past and, as you have identified yourself, it needs to be replaced with verbal communication,” he knew the next question needed to be asked carefully, “and is sex an element that you want to include in your new friendship?”

“No,” the word was said quickly and in unison.

“No, it’s not,” Scott said in confirmation. 

“No, no, it’s not,” Tessa’s words followed his. 

“Ok,” Mark nodded slowly. 

“But I do agree that it has played an important role in our friendship in the past,” Scott spoke with clarity, “and we need to find an alternative way of communicating with each other.”

“Do you think you’ll be communicating about the same things now?” Mark asked. 

The question wasn’t one that they fully understood. 

“What I mean by that,” Mark responded to the looks of confusion that faced him, “is that you spoke about comforting each other, being there for each other and understanding each other in your previous friendship,” he explained, “and at the time you were competing, and you were both single,” he pointed out, “but things are a lot different now,” he reminded them, “will you need to communicate about the same things?” he asked again, “for the same reasons?”

They both fell into thought. 

“There may, for example,” Mark’s words were careful and tentative, “be some emotional needs that will be the domain of your partners now.”

There was silence in the room. Scott felt an opportunity bloom. 

“I can speak to Tessa about anything,” he stated, “that has always been a part of our friendship,” he told Mark. 

“It has,” Tessa agreed almost in defense of their need to share their emotions with each other. 

“Obviously there is an intimacy with a partner that you don’t have with a friend,” Scott was quick to point out, “but there’s also a dynamic with a friend that you don’t share with a partner.”

“True,” Mark agreed. He was slightly taken aback by the strength and purpose in Scott’s words, but saw the opportunity to allow him to take the session in a direction he clearly needed, and so left the space open for him to continue talking. 

“I think we all need someone to discuss our relationships with because sometimes it can be difficult to get perspective when you are so close to something,” his words were assured, “I know that I would have benefitted from having someone to talk to when I was going through tough times with Jena,” his voice lost some of its strength as he spoke, “I felt pretty isolated,” he admitted, “which I know was my fault because I physically isolated myself,” he added quickly, “but being emotionally isolated is even more difficult, I think.”

Tessa nodded in agreement as she listened to Scott’s words. Seeing that she was listening, Scott took his opportunity. 

“I know I could talk to Tessa now,” he started, “if I was in a relationship,” he clarified, “I could talk to her about how I feel,” he let the words hang for a moment, “and I hope you’d feel the same?” he turned to face Tessa and asked the question directly, “if there were any issues between you and Ava, you could talk to me about it, right?”

He let the question sit between them and scanned her face for signs of a reaction. He looked for the telltale signs at the corners of her mouth - the twitch that told him she was regulating her words as she thought about them. He looked for the gentle clenching of her fists and the instinctive reach for the rings she no longer wore. 

He saw nothing. 

She stayed still. Motionless. Emotionless. 

“Of course,” her words were assured, “we all need someone to talk to.”

“So if there was any issue between you and Ava, you’d tell me?”

“I would,” she smiled widely, telling him that there was nothing more to say on the topic. 

Scott felt something stab at his chest. It welled and filled him. The pressure pushed against his rib cage and he felt his breath leave him. He breathed deeply in order to get his emotions under control. He knew that he couldn’t expose her, not in front of Mark and not in a space that was safe for her. He swallowed deeply and pushed down his feelings. 

“We do,” he said in response and hoped that his smile covered the sense of anxiety that filled him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up - Scott starts his coaching at the rink.


	60. Chapter Sixty Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have had some unexpected guests come to stay with us. Lovely in that we get to see them and spend time with them, frustrating in that it slows down the writing progress. So, in order to keep you fed (and myself sane) I am going to post chapter sixty in parts. It is a chapter that lends itself well to parts anyway, so it should work out ok.   
This first part is just a short 800 words to keep you going!

“Good boy,” Tessa praised Ollie as he stepped into the foyer of the building that housed Kids’ Club and hung his little backpack on a spare peg.

“Morning,” Alma’s familiar voice reached her across the hubbub of excited toddlers. Nate put his backpack on the peg next to Ollie’s.

“Morning,” Tessa smiled at Alma and then at Nate. 

“You look smart,” Alma nodded at Tessa as she took in her sharp, tailored trouser suit and heels.

“Oh,” Tessa blushed at the compliment, “thanks,” she managed, “I have my first school visit this morning,” she told Alma, the quiver in her voice showing her nerves. 

“Wow,” Alma beamed as the boys toddled off to play, “that’s great, Tessa,” Alma told her, “the girls are going to be really excited to see you.”

Tessa laughed lightly, “And I thought competing in the Olympics was nerve wracking,” she smiled, “the thought of standing in front of a room of teenage girls has kept me awake all night.”

“They’re going to love you,” Alma assured her, “and you’re a great role model, Tess.”

Tessa didn’t reply, but felt the heat in her cheeks rise, “thanks,” she said with light laughter in her voice. 

“I was expecting to see your mom this morning,” Alma’s brow furrowed slightly as she spoke, “we were meant to be arranging a coffee date for later in the week.”

“Oh,” Tessa smiled, “she was meant to be dropping Ollie off today, but she had to go out of town to see a friend,” Tessa explained, “her husband has fallen ill and been taken to the hospital, so she has gone to lend some support.”

“Oh dear,” Alma replied with genuine concern, “perhaps I will give her a call when she returns.”

“She’d appreciate that,” Tessa smiled. 

“Ollie and Nate are playing already,” Kim, one of the club’s assistants appeared at their side, “who will be picking the boys up today?” she asked with her pen poised above her clipboard. 

“Ollie’s mom is coming for him,” Tessa informed Kim.

“And I will come and get Nate,” Alma replied. 

“Great,” Kim smiled as she noted down the information and moved on to the next set of parents dropping off their children. 

“Well, I hope your day goes well, Tess,” Alma touched Tessa’s arm as she spoke, “the girls are lucky to have you and your time.”

The women parted and Tessa headed into the city and towards the event that she had spent months organising and preparing for.

It was just after lunch time as Scott looked into the mirror for what must have been the hundredth time that morning. He pulled at the hem of his t-shirt before adjusting the waistband of his pants. He checked his watch - an hour and half before the start of his first coaching session. He planned on getting to the rink early in order to get everything set up. Having spent the previous evening planning drills and activities for the toddlers who were relying on him for a fun filled session, he was eager to make sure that everything ran smoothly. He looked at his watch again - his mom would be picking Nate up from Kids’ Club in around an hour, and he was, once again, not only glad of her help, but also happy that she was able to spend time with Nate and enjoy having him around. He knew for certain that his son would enjoy a lovely afternoon with his grandma. Just as it had done on a regular basis since their last session with Mark, his anxiety about Tessa’s lying crept into his mind. He felt it sit heavy against his skull before touching his heart. He was certain she was lying - how deep her lies went was something that he had sat awake wrestling with the night before. Their friendship had developed well, and he believed her when she said that she could talk to him about anything. He didn’t see why she would lie to him. As the moon had shone through the slats of his bedroom blind the night before, he had become sure that she was lying to herself. That she was hiding from a truth she could not face. He was worried that she was moving backwards, and that all of the progress that she had made was going to be undone. His midnight mind had wondered whether there were other things in her life that she was lying to herself about. Then it had gravitated to the blame and guilt that was resident in his mind. Whilst she had made progress in so many areas, and was clearly a much stronger person than she had ever been, perhaps where relationships were concerned she had been damaged more deeply than anyone realised. His abandonment of her, he reasoned, had broken something that needed to be fixed. Seeing as he had been the one to cause the damage, he saw it as his duty to repair it.   
The alarm on his phone sounded to let him know that he needed to prepare to leave the house. He put his thoughts about Tessa to the back of his mind and tried to focus on the task ahead. He silenced his phone, grabbed his skates and headed for the rink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part Two coming soon!


	61. Chapter Sixty Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little more for you.   
Think there will be an interesting conversation ahead. Will he actually get to the topic?

Scott watched as the five preschoolers who made up his class wobbled onto the ice. He took each one in turn from their accompanying parent and supported them to the mat that he had laid next to the boards. With kind words and gentle hands he soon had all five of them sitting on the mat looking up at him. 

“Well done, everyone,” he smiled as he looked at the preschoolers and then shot a smile at the parents. The parent group, made up exclusively of mothers, returned his smile with reddened cheeks that he failed to notice. 

Alma had taken the step of deliberately under advertising the class, and restricting the number of participants to five - much too low to turn a profit, but she didn’t need Scott to know that - in order to allow her son the opportunity to take his first coaching session without the threat of the event turning into some kind of unofficial meet and greet. She had not publicised that fact that it was him taking the class, and she was sure that once the information about the class's teacher became public she would be able to fill the five spaces ten times over. However, she had no intention of enrolling more children into the class until Scott felt happy and confident. She knew that Scott needed the ice and she knew that he needed to find his way back to it in his own time and in his own way. Offering him the class to coach had only ever been her way of gently encouraging the opportunity, and had he declined she would not have pushed him. 

“Get yourselves comfortable,” Scott told the group of women who were still hovering at the edge of the rink, “there’s coffee in the foyer,” he told them, “and rink seats are never the most comfortable but I am offering you some time to yourself!”

The women smiled and wished their little ones good luck and goodbye before heading off to grab a cup of coffee and a rinkside seat. 

Scott looked down at the five toddlers in front of him. They were all slightly older than Nate, and looked as if they would be going to school in the next year. There were a range of expressions staring back at him - there was clearly some fear on the faces of a few of the little ones as they held their bodies rigidly and clung to the mat. There was a little boy with sandy hair who was clearly ready to get the lesson started and was about to try to push himself to his feet as Scott addressed the children. 

“Ok guys,” he smiled at them, “it’s so good to see you here,” he told them, “my name’s Scott, and today we’re going to get you skating!”

“Yay!” the sandy haired boy punched the air in response to Scott’s words. Scott smiled and thought about how he needed to get this little guy’s energy channeled into some activity pretty quickly. 

“What’s your name, buddy?” he asked. 

“Max,” the boy beamed at the attention. 

“Well, Max,” Scott skated closer to him and held out his hands for the little boy to take, “I don’t like to see enthusiasm go to waste,” Scott pulled Max to his feet and smiled as the little boy’s eyes lit up with the sense of danger and achievement that he was being handed. Once on his feet, Max lost a little of his confidence as the ice slipped beneath his tiny blades. 

“Good job,” Scott encouraged as Max looked a little worried, “can you move your feet?” Scott asked as he demonstrated by dancing on the ice, “can you jiggle, Max?” Scott wiggled his own hips as he tried to make Max respond. 

Max, happy to have the praise of his teacher, tried to move his hips in the same way as Scott did. He was slow and cautious at first, but soon got the hang of the motion and enjoyed the feeling of his feet on the ice. 

“And me,” a voice came from behind them as a little girl wearing a pair of green dungarees and a wide smile tried to push herself to her feet. 

“Someone’s coming to join you, Max,” Scott smiled as he steadied Max before leaving the boy and taking a few steps towards the girl. Scott could tell that she was a tomboy and determined to do anything she saw Max doing. He smiled at her spirit as he helped her to her feet. 

“Love the dungarees,” Scott told her as she grabbed his hands and ventured onto the ice, “what’s your name?”

“Bob,” the girl told him with a wide smile. 

Scott smothered a smile. He had his doubts about the authenticity of the name, but being a parent told him that there were some things that you just had to let kids decide for themselves for a while as they worked themselves out. 

“Ok, Bob,” he helped the girl to her feet, “let’s see that wiggle!”

The session continued until all of the children - even those who were more anxious and needed some encouragement - were on their feet. Scott gave them some easy exercises to do in order to get them used to the ice and the skates. Before he knew it, the hour lesson was coming to a close, and the mothers were waiting for their children at the side of the rink. Snacks and drinks were passed out along with praise and hugs. 

“Thank you so much,” Max’s mom approached Scott with a grateful tone, “he is just so full of energy,” she explained, “I thought perhaps some skating might help him to burn some of it up.”

“He’s a lovely little guy,” Scott told her, “my son is the same,” he smiled, “always full of energy.”

There was a lull in the group of moms as Scott’s words reached their ears. Clearly they weren’t all aware of Nate, and his existence came as somewhat of a surprise. They recovered quickly and one commented in order to break the awkward silence they’d created, “I suppose he’s already a great skater,” she chuckled. 

Scott returned the chuckle and felt his cheeks redden, “he’s not been on the ice, actually,” he admitted. 

There was a wave of surprised mumbles as the mothers were taken by surprise once again. 

“He’s only young,” Scott jumped to tell them. 

The band of women quickly started to break up as they made their way home and to schools to collect their other children. They thanked Scott for the class, and said that they would all be back the following week. 

Scott bid them farewell and smiled to himself at the success of his first session as a coach. He knew that teaching five preschoolers how to wiggle their hips hardly counted as coaching, but he was still happy that he had made it back to the rink and that the children had enjoyed themselves. As he dragged the mat back to the storage closet, he thought about Nate and his absence from the ice. He knew that part of his reluctance was down to his own personal experience and his own issues, and he didn’t want those to stop Nate from experiencing something he was sure he would enjoy. As a father, he knew he needed to put his own feelings aside and put Nate first. Plus, watching the joy on the face of his students made him realise just how much Nate would enjoy the opportunity to get onto the ice. He promised himself that he would get Nate onto the ice as soon as possible. Perhaps, given his age he would ask someone to come with them the first time. 

As he locked up the rink and headed towards his mom and dad’s house he was filled with a sense of happiness that came from being settled in his new life. He pushed through the back door and into his mom’s kitchen with a smile on his face and a rumble of hunger in his stomach. 

“Daddy!” Nate yelled from the table where he was sat in his high chair with a bib around his neck and a plate of spaghetti in front of him. 

“Hey,” Scott’s smile was wide as he approached his son and leant in to give him a kiss on the head. He looked up and noticed the second toddler at the table, “hello Ollie,” Scott smiled as he made his way to the boy and gave him the same treatment as his own son, “is this a tea party?” he asked with a smile. 

“Ol play,” Nate informed his father before turning his attention back to his food. 

“That’s right,” Alma smiled at Nate, “Ollie came over to play for the afternoon,” she smiled as she looked at Scott, “his mommy said he could spend the afternoon with you, didn’t she?” Alma’s eyes crinkled at the corners as she spoke to her grandson. 

Scott made his way towards the sink to pour himself a glass of water. Alma moved closer to him and spoke in a lowered tone, “Jordan didn’t turn up at kids’ club to pick him up,” she told Scott as she watched his face crease with worry, “they tried contacting her, but there was no reply,” she saw the anxiety grow, “she’s fine,” Alma acted in order to ensure Scott’s anxiety didn’t grow, “she’d fallen asleep and didn’t wake up to fetch him.” 

Scott narrowed his eyes with concern. 

“This pregnancy is hitting her pretty hard,” Alma stated. 

“It sure is,” Scott agreed. 

“Kate’s out of town,” Alma went on, “and Tess has her first school visit today,” she added, “so I brought him back here.”

Scott felt something pull at his heart at the information about Tessa’s school visit - he’d been so lost in his first coaching session that he had forgotten that her first school visit was taking place on the same day. He hadn’t even text her to wish her luck.

“Jordan finally answered the phone to me about half an hour ago,” Alma informed him, “she was all for rushing over here and getting him, but I told her to relax, that I would feed him and drop him back later.”

“Thanks, Mom,” Scott touched her arm as he spoke, “I can drop him back when they’re finished,” he offered. 

“Jordan text just before you came in,” Alma wiped her hands on her apron as she spoke, “Tess is coming for him on her way back from the school,” she informed Scott. 

Scott felt a warmth run through him at the mention of her name. He would get to tell her all about his first coaching session and hear about her day at the school. The warm feeling was followed by the dread and worry that he had managed to successfully bury for a few hours - and perhaps he could also talk to her about Ava and the lie she was living.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next (and hopefully final) part of Chapter Sixty will be with you soon. Thank you all for your comments and support. I know it would be better to have it all at once!


	62. Chapter Sixty Part Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final part of chapter sixty. Thank you all for being so patient and so kind. I think there is clearly something nice developing between them here, and it feels nice. Shame Scott is going to have to risk it all to ask about Ava!

Alma couldn’t help but notice the smile on Scott’s face as the front door’s bell sounded to announce Tessa’s arrival. 

“I’ll get it,” Alma smiled as Scott started to push up from the kitchen table where he was sat with a cup of tea and a large slice of homemade cherry cake. She poked her head into the lounge on the way past and smiled at the length of string that was tied across the room and from which some of the boys’ old action figures were hanging. She shook her head and grinned as she wondered who was having more fun - Ollie and Nate, or Joe!

“Hello,” Alma beamed at Tessa as she opened the door to the young woman, “how did it go?” Tessa was barely through the door before Alma enquired about her day. 

“Oh,” Tessa puffed out her cheeks with a huge smile, “it was amazing,” she beamed as she kicked her shoes off and followed Alma towards the kitchen. Her path was automatic. Her feet sank into the familiar carpet as her nose followed the smell of freshly baked cake. Alma’s house had always been such a welcoming and sociable place to be, and the kitchen was the family meeting place. It had been the scene of tears, joys and surprises over the years - many of which she had been instrumental in. Tessa’s head turned at the whoop of laughter that came from the lounge as they passed by the open door. 

“They look like they’re having fun,” Tessa commented as they paused at the door. 

“Bessie,” Nate was on his feet and wrapping himself around Tessa’s legs within seconds. Ollie was only a moment behind and soon they were both bear hugging her legs. 

“Hello you two,” Tessa ruffled their hair as she spoke. However, the greeting was fleeting as they hurried back to Joe and the dangling action figures that were headed for Alma’s coffee table. 

“It’s best not to ask,” Alma told Tessa as she watched her eyes move around the room and the web of string and toys, “Joe and the boys used to play like this all Sunday afternoon,” Alma said with a hint of comfortable nostalgia in her voice as she thought back to the days when her boys were young and things were simple - if not tiring. 

Tessa and Alma shared a chuckle as they entered the kitchen.

“Hey,” Scott smiled up at her as she entered, “just in time for cake, Virtch,” he pointed at the freshly baked cake on the table, “come tell me all about your day,” he offered warmly. 

“I’ll get you a cup of tea,” Alma said kindly, “but let me hug you well done first,” she put her arms around Tessa, “I am so glad that your day went well,” she told Tessa, “you’ve worked hard,” Alma let her go and ran her hands down the length of Tessa’s forearms. 

“Thanks,” Tessa smiled into Alma’s eyes with her own before they parted contact and Alma went to the kettle. 

“So it went well?” Scott followed her movements as she took a seat opposite him at the kitchen table. He felt his arms grow heavy and something pulse in his chest as he realised that he could not hug her in the same way that his mom had. Hugging her today in order to say well done was definitely a moment when they would have used physical contact, and it was strange to watch someone else hug her and know that it was something he was not allowed to do. Still, like Mark said, they needed to focus on the verbal communication. 

“It did,” Tessa answered with a smile, “how was the coaching?” her question was, for once, not about avoidance - she wanted to share her day with Scott. However, she also wanted to know how his big day too, “sorry I didn’t text you this morning,” she apologised, “I was so wrapped up in the visit I forgot.”

“No,” Scott was quick to respond as he sliced a thick piece of cake for her and placed it onto a plate, “I was the same,” he said as he put the plate in front of her, “I meant to text you too,” he told her.

“Big days for both of us,” Tessa smiled kindly at him. 

“I want to hear more about how it went,” the enthusiasm shone through Scott’s voice as he spoke with wide eyes. 

“It was so much fun,” Tessa returned his smile, “the girls were all waiting when I got there,” she explained as she broke a corner from her slice of cake, “which was a bit daunting,” she admitted, “but they were really kind and welcoming, and the activities I’d planned worked well.”

“That’s really good.”

“Yeah,” Tessa agreed as she popped some of the sweet, soft cake into her mouth, “I was worried about the timing,” she admitted, “because I had no idea how long they would need to do things, but luckily it went ok.”

“Not luckily, Tess,” Alma appeared at her shoulder and placed a cup of tea next to her plate of cake, “your planning made sure it went well,” Alma touched Tessa’s shoulder as she spoke. 

“Exactly,” Scott agreed with his mom as he looked at her fingers lying on Tessa’s shoulder, “you made it amazing, T,” he assured her. 

Tessa blushed at the attention of the two Moirs she loved the most, “I am looking forward to the next one,” she told them, “having the first one out of the way feels like a relief,” she added. 

“That’s how I felt about the session today,” Scott was quick to make a connection with her, “I enjoyed it, but there was a feeling of relief once it was done.”

“Not unlike competing, really,” Tessa chuckled. 

“Totally the same thing,” Scott chuckled back with a hint of sarcasm in his voice. 

“Well, I am glad to hear you liked it so much,” Alma looked over at the son, and there was a tone in her voice that told him there was something behind her comment. 

“Are you?” Scott smiled cheekily at his mother as he picked up on the tone. 

“I am,” Alma knew that Scott had guessed at what she was about to say, “I’m hoping that you liked it enough to take my session tomorrow so that I can go and see your aunty.”

“Hmm,” Scott pretended to think about the question, “did I like it that much?” he made a show of thinking, “ouch!” Tessa’s foot connected with his leg underneath the table. 

“Help your mother,” she told him with smiling eyes. 

“I can’t now,” Scott feigned great pain, “I’ve got a broken shin.”

“Excuses!” Tessa giggled. 

“What time?” Scott asked his mother. 

“One.”

“What age?”

“Seven to nine,” Alma told him, “there are only three in the class, and they are all pretty good.”

“Sure,” Scott replied with a smile, “I can do it, no problem.”

“Great,” Alma smiled, “your dad can look after Nate,” she told him.

“Sounds like Dad would enjoy that,” Scott giggled as a cloud of laughter drifted from the lounge. 

“I’ll go and call your aunty now,” Alma smiled as she left the kitchen with a skip in her step. 

There was a comfortable silence for a moment as Scott and Tessa watched her leave and enjoyed the feeling of happiness that was filling them. They both sipped at their tea and enjoyed the cake. 

“So, you still haven’t told me about the session,” Tessa stated. 

“I was really nervous,” Scott admitted as he sucked cake crumbs from his fingers, “silly really,” he reflected, “they were only young,” he explained, “bit older than Nate, but still just little ones.”

“It was still your first session,” Tessa wanted to make sure that he knew it was ok to be nervous and that he shouldn’t be too hard on himself, “you weren’t sure exactly what to expect.”

“No,” Scott agreed with her as he felt her support flow across the table, “and it was so much easier than I was expecting,” he said with relief, “they were pretty cute, to be honest.”

“Always helps.”

“There was a little guy called Max,” Scott’s tone was light and filled with happiness, “he reminded me of my younger self a bit,” he said with a smirk, “full of energy, head first into everything.”

“Sounds about right.”

Scott chuckled at her rolled eyes, “needs to find a nice girl to calm him down,” he winked at her. 

“Hmm,” her smile was soft and clearly just for him. 

Scott sat back and sipped at the last of his tea, “we’re doing ok, Virtch,” he said softly, “at this retirement lark,” he added. 

“We retired a long time ago,” she chuckled. 

“Yeah,” Scott dismissed her response, “but it feels like we’re just getting started,” he said without really understanding the words that left his mouth. 

Tessa was silent for a moment as she thought about what he had said, “yeah,” she smiled, “I suppose we are,” she agreed.

They both sat lost in their own thoughts. There was a lot beginning for both of them - Scott’s coaching, Tessa’s school visits, the friendship that they were delicately constructing one consideration at a time. There was also something much bigger beginning, wheels set in motion, foundations being laid, but they didn’t need to know about that. The moment needed only what they were comfortable with and what they could control. Like all humans they were happiest when they felt they were in control, and if the illusion that life was controllable was what they needed, then, for now, the Universe would let them have it. 

“You know,” Scott broke the silence as he surfaced from his thoughts, “when I was doing the session today I thought about how I need to get Nate on the ice.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Scott nodded as he exhaled, “keeping him away from it is wrong,” he stated, “and about me,” he admitted, “not him.”

“I think he’d enjoy it.”

“Me too,” Scott nodded, “I was wondering,” his words were tentative, “you don’t have to,” he was quick to add, “but if you want to,” he started to trip over his words, “I’d like it if you’d come with us,” he said finally, “to help me,” the explanation followed quickly, “he’s still so small.”

“I’d love to,” Tessa’s smile was wide and her words light, “when the rink is closed?” she checked. 

“Of course,” Scott answered swiftly. He was shocked at her response. He knew that she had not been on the ice since they split, and she had told him that she had no reason to return to it. He was taken aback by the fact that Nate was reason enough for her. 

“Let me know when you’re planning to take him, and I’ll be there.” 

“Thanks.”

Scott felt something sharp stab at the happiness that he was sat in. He tried to push it away, but there was no denying what it was. He knew that he had to discuss Ava with Tessa. He knew that she needed him to just as much as he needed to get rid of the nagging in his own mind. He looked across the table at her as she took the knife and cut two more slices of cake and placed them on their plates. He saw the brightness of her eyes and the softness of her shoulders. She was relaxed and happy and it radiated from her. 

“Thanks,” he smiled as he took the cake she passed over to him. 

“A great day ended with great cake,” Tessa said as she tucked into her cake, “what more is there to life,” she chuckled. 

“Indeed,” Scott returned her happiness and used it to chase the nagging in his mind back to the depths once more - it could wait for another day. A less happy day, a future day; a day more suited to pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter - Tessa can't help herself but pop into the rink to see Scott's coaching in action!


	63. Chapter Sixty Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short one to keep you going.

Tessa pulled the rink’s small back door open with a care. She knew that it had a squeeky hinge if pulled too quickly, but that with a gentle hand and some patience she would be able to enter the rink without announcing her arrival. She followed the dark service corridor around the rink’s perimiter. Although it was dark and the walls blocked the view of the rink beyond, there was something in her that connected to the closeness of the ice. It was as if her body - her heart - could sense that it was in a familiar place. She allowed the feeling to settle for a moment. Going to the rink had been something she had actively avoided since the cancellation of the tour and her illness, and she walked in anticipation of the feeling that would overtake her once she glimpsed the glistening white surface she was heading for. She rounded the corner of the corridor and found the metal walkway that connected the corridor to the small media booth that sat at the end of the rink. Ilderton had never seen much media presence, and for as long as she could remember, the booth had been used as storage rather than for the filming of the ice. It was a booth she knew well, and her hand wrapped around the handle just like her smaller childhood one had decades before. During their childhood and career she had shared almost everything with Scott, but this was a place that she had kept for herself. For the times she needed solace, a moment to think or even just to cry. As a small girl it had been about having a secret den, then as she got older and they returned for the odd weekend or Moir family gathering (both of which always involved a trip to the rink) she had used it as her escape. As she had expected, the door was unlocked and yielded easily to her tug on its handle. As she entered, the scent of the past hit her and did something to calm her. She entered with her back to the large window that looked out over the ice. She took in the faded banners, split cones and broken skates that lay against the booth’s back wall before taking a deep breath and turning to face the window. 

There it was - white and slick and crisp. It still looked the same as it had when she was a girl. Even where it had been repainted, the same colour had been used that had always adorned the walls. There was something timeless about the rink, and she felt herself fall backwards into the past. 

There he was - smiling and confident and enthusiastic. He looked so natural on the ice. Even after all the changes to his body and the lines that were now etched on his face, he was still the same brilliant skater he had always been. There was something steadfast about him, and she felt herself fall backwards into the past. 

Her eyes followed him around the rink as he demonstrated simple footwork to the wide eyed children that stood in front of him. She smiled as she thought about the surprise they must have felt when they’d turned up for their lesson to find that it was not Mrs Moir taking their class, but Scott Moir, Olympian and Ilderton’s very own superhero. Even from her position at the end of the ice, she could see the concentration on their faces and she knew that they would be eager to impress him with their replication of his movements. Of course he had always been a good skater, and always been a kind and gentle person, but being a father had added something else to his manner that she could tell made him an excellent coach. She stayed in the booth for the rest of the session, watching him encourage and cajole the children in his care. She felt a sense of pride run through her and felt that she was seeing him experiencing true peace and happiness. She had surprised herself with how quickly she had agreed to accompany him to the rink for Nate’s first skating experience. The agreement had flowed from her with an automation that she had not realised was lying in wait. She knew that if she were to ever return to the ice then it needed to be for a reason, and Nate’s first lesson seemed to be reason enough. Plus, she had reasoned shortly after agreeing so readily to the outing, it wasn’t exactly her ‘returning to the ice’; Nate’s first lesson was unlikely to involve much more than getting him wobbling along and used to falling over. 

As the lesson looked like it was coming to a close, she exited the booth and made her way back along the corridor towards the rink. She knew that Scott’s session was the last of the day, and that once the children and their parents had left there wouldn’t be anyone else coming into the rink. She waited in the wings until she heard Scott bid the last parent farewell. She watched him run his fingers through his hair as he made his way back to the ice to pack away. 

“Hey, coach,” her voice took him by surpise as she moved out of the shadows. The unfettered and familar smell of the ice hit her instantly and took hre breath from her chest. 

“Hey,” Scott turned with a look of shock on his face, “what are you doing here?” he asked. His face quickly lit into a smile. 

“Heard there was a new coach in town,” she replied as she made her way to the boards, “thought I would see what he’s like.”

“And?” 

“Seems ok,” she replied with a grin. 

“Then I’ll hire him!” Scott returned her humour.

“You were really good,” she said with a more serious tone, “the kids were hanging on your every word.”

“Watching from your booth were you?” he asked casually as he stepped off the ice and took a seat in order to remove his skates. He looked up at the shock he knew he would see on her face, “what?” he asked with a cheeky smile, “you thought you kept your little den a secret all these years?” he pulled at the lace on his right boot as he spoke. 

“You knew?” she smiled, “you never said!”

“Everyone needs somewhere to escape to,” he replied, “and seeing as it was usually me you were eascaping-”

“I wasn’t escaping you,” she interrupted. 

He smiled back softly. 

“So you came to spy on me!” he teased as he eased the skate from his foot. 

“Ollie is with your dad,” she explained, “he called to ask him over to join him and Nate. After I dropped him off I couldn’t resist the opportunity to come and see you in action.”

“I see,” he smiled. 

“I’m looking forward to getting Nate on the ice,” she told him, “do you want to take him this weekend?”

Scott pulled at the lace of his boot as he spoke, “I’d love to,” he replied, “but Jena is coming to stay this weekend and-”

“Oh, never mind,” Tessa was quick to jump in as Scott reminded her that his weekends were already booked with Jena’s visits, “it was just an idea. We can do-”

“Tess, we can still take him,” Scott gave her his full attention. 

“No, I-”

“Tess, you’re my friend. You’re a part of my life and-”

“No,” she said again, “we can do it another time. I don’t want to-”

“Tess, I don’t want us to stop doing the things we want to bec-”

“Scott, really,” Tessa’s voice became a little more insistent as she spoke, “I don’t want to,” she said honestly before falling silent, “I don’t feel comfortable spending time with Nate when she’s around,” she said honestly, “it isn’t my place,” she explained. 

Scott was quiet as he digested what she had said. Whilst he wanted to skate with Tessa and Nate, and whilst he also wanted to make clear to Jena that Tessa was a choice for his life, he also understood her position. He couldn’t deny that it would be difficult and awkward for her, and he didn’t want to put her in that position. 

“Ok,” he looked up at her with a soft expression, “I get it,” he told her, “but we will skate with him soon?”

“Sure,” Tessa’s voice had softned again and told him that they were back on comfortable ground. 

“Good,” Scott tied the lace of his sneaker and grabbed his skates, “let’s go and see what those two terrors have done to my dad,” he giggled as they headed for the exit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up - Nate's first skating lesson.


	64. Chapter Sixty Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy this. I really enjoyed writing it.

_ Scott: we’re in the foyer. _

Scott pressed send as he heard the rink’s backdoor open. He knew that she still had a key, just like him. And he also knew that, just like him, she would use the back door in order to limit any chance of being seen entering the rink. He knew how big today was for her as well as for him and Nate. He knew that getting back onto the ice was something she needed to do gently, and he was clear in his mind that he was going to make sure that the day was as much about her as about Nate. 

“Hello,” her voice lit up the foyer as she pushed through the double doors. 

“Morning,” Scott beamed as he heard the excitement in her voice. He had wondered whether he might hear trepidation and anxiety, but if that was what she was feeling then she was covering it well. 

“Bessie,” Nate’s voice was a little more tired than hers as he moved towards her and motioned to be picked up. 

“He’s not in the best of form this morning,” Scott informed her with a smile as he watched Tessa put her skates on the nearby reception desk as she hoisted Nate into her arms, “I don’t know how this is going to go,” he admitted. 

“Having a grumpy morning?” Tessa asked Nate as she brushed her hand through is hair, “I know how it feels,” she said as she dropped a kiss on the toddler’s head, “I’m not a fan of this time in the morning either,” she told him with a smile, “but it’s all worth it, I promise.”

With the hour a little before five, it was early for Nate to be awake and despite the early night that Scott had managed to encourage him into after his weekend with Jena, he was still not impressed with the early hour. 

“Maybe we should give him some coffee,” Scott joked as he moved forward to pick Tessa’s skates up from the reception desk, “always worked for you.”

“Not when I was that young!” Tessa chuckled as Nate nuzzled into her shoulder. 

With a smile and a giggle they both moved towards the doors and the ice that awaited them. There was something about the early morning ice that Tessa loved. Even though she associated the hour with feeling tired and reluctant to get her tight and aching limbs on the move, she had always felt that there was something special about being the first to put her blades on the ice. It was almost like a spiritual experience when you knew that you were the first, the one to wake the ice up, the one to start the day. 

“Morning ice,” Scott said quietly as they descended the steps towards the rink, “nothing else like it.”

Tessa responded with a silent and soft smile as Nate moved on her hip in order to look at the ice in front of them. 

“Cool, eh?” Scott smiled at Nate as he watched his son’s eyes take in the scene. 

Nate didn’t respond as his eyes and body adjusted to an environment that in that moment was new, but would come to be one of his favourite places to be. Little did he know that in that moment he was being called towards his life’s passion. As a sleepy little boy on the hip of a woman who he would come to see as a mother he was entering a world that would bring him sorrow and joy and all feelings in between. It was a moment he’d remember little about, but a moment that provided a foundation stone of his life and love. 

They made their way down to the boards and stopped at the edge to take in the ice. Scott used Nate as an excuse to look over at Tessa in order to gauge her reaction to being rink side once again. He saw something in her eyes that he hadn’t seen for a while. He saw a glimpse of something that had been lost in the fight and fury of her illness but that he and Nate were about to help her sift from the ashes of her pain and allow to bloom once more. 

“Ok?” Scott couldn’t help himself as he checked in with her. 

“Ok,” she confirmed without taking her eyes off the ice. There was a watery quality to her voice, but it was coloured with light and happiness and the prospect of a weight being lifted. 

Scott had slipped into the rink the previous afternoon, after the sessions were over and whilst Jena and Nate were out to tea together, and placed two large mats on the ice near to the hatch in the boards. 

“I thought we’d just get him on the mat first,” Scott explained as he unlatched the hatch so that they could step onto the mat. 

“Sure,” Tessa smiled. She was happy to follow Scott’s lead when it came to getting Nate on the ice for the first time; she just wanted to be there to support them both and be whatever they needed her to be. 

They both slipped through the open hatch and stepped onto the mats.

“Let’s have a nice sit down,” Tessa spoke softly to Nate as she lowered them both down onto the mat. She encouraged him to find his own space as she sat cross legged on one side of him and Scott, having dropped their skates near the edge of the rink, sat on the other side of him. 

“There we go, bud,” Scott smiled at Nate as he watched his son’s eyes widen at the new experience. 

Tessa and Scott both smiled as they watched Nate’s eyes take in the ice, the lights above it and the experience that was growing in him. 

“Do you think he will remember his first time on the ice?” Tessa asked Scott as they let Nate find his own peace for a moment. 

“I don’t know,” Scott said thoughtfully, “I think it’s a more significant moment than it was for me, so there’s a chance, but I don’t think it will be an event like it was for you.”

Their first memories of the ice was something they’d been asked about in hundreds of interviews over the years, and they had alway given answers that were something near the truth - Scott couldn’t remember his life without the ice, and she remembered the first day she stepped into the rink and heard the noise of blade cutting ice and kids shouting. What she never revealed was that on that first morning at Ilderton she had turned around and headed back to the car and begged her mother to take her home. A moment that could have changed history, could have rewritten the legacy of a sport, left a love undiscovered and left the road that they were now stumbling through untrodden. 

“I’m glad Kate made you come back in,” Scott’s voice was quiet and soft. 

Tessa turned and smiled at him, “so you’ve said before,” she rolled her eyes at him with endearment and affection. 

He had told her before. It was the moment his life had changed, and he was grateful for Kate’s forceful parenting. What he had never told her was that the very same sentence could be found in the wedding vows that he’d written before he’d asked her to marry him. What he had never told her was that the folded piece of paper still lay in the closed box and underneath the gold medal they’d won in Korea. What he would tell her, down the line, in the future, as they lay beneath the stars with gold bands on their fingers, is that he hadn’t changed a word of what he had written years before - that the love he had for her was steadfast, unmovable and written in the fibre of his being. 

“There something about this rink, though,” Tessa added, “something that I remember,” she explained, “the smell, the feeling,” she tried to explain but felt her words were inadequate. 

“I know,” Scott nodded and smiled over Nate’s head as he made eye contact with her, “it’s home,” he said, “the real home ice.”

“It is,” she nodded. 

Nate crawled around between them as they spoke, and when they put their attention back to the little boy they saw that he was happy and smiling and looking relaxed as he got used to his new surroundings. 

“I’ll put my skates on,” Scott told her as he headed off the mat and grabbed his skates. Nate watched his dad’s movements. 

“Where’s Daddy going?” Tessa spoke softly to Nate. 

“I want to get on that ice,” Scott spoke to Nate, “I’m getting my skates.”

Tessa made wide eyes at Nate as she watched the toddler’s reaction. 

“Can you feel the ice?” she asked Nate as she put her hand out to touch the ice that was at the edge of the mat. 

Nate, looking more confident with each passing second, watched as Tessa put her fingers to the ice and ran them across its flat, cold surface, “oh,” she smiled at Nate, “it’s cold.”

Nate looked at Tessa’s wet fingers as she put them in front of him. 

“Me,” Nate said as he shuffled himself across the mat and towards the spot Tessa had touched. 

“You touch it,” Tessa smiled as she watched Nate extend his hand towards the ice. He flinched as his little fingers felt the temperature of the ice. 

“Is it cold?” Tessa asked him with a smile. 

Nate, more interested in the ice than Tessa, didn’t respond to her words but put his fingers back to the same spot. Knowing what to expect meant that he was not shocked by the temperature and let his fingers run across the smooth surface as he took in the feel of the ice. Just as he was drawing his hand back again Scott skated onto the ice and stopped in front of him, he crouched down on his haunches so that he was at Nate’s level. 

“Is that interesting?” he asked his son. Nate looked up at his dad with a smile. 

“I think he likes it,” Scott smiled at Tessa. 

“I think he’s interested in your skates,” Tessa replied as Nate’s fingers found the material of his dad’s strange footwear. 

“You like these?” Scott asked Nate as he moved his blade slowly along the ice’s surface, “cool, eh?” he asked his son as he watched his eyes follow the metal as it sent small shavings of ice towards the toddler. 

“Is Daddy walking on the ice?” Tessa asked Nate as Scott got to his feet and took a few small steps along the ice in order to show Nate what the cool new footwear was capable of. 

Scott pushed off for a lap around the rink, all the time keeping his eyes on Nate and smiling at him. 

“Wow,” Tessa pulled Nate towards her as she spoke in order to make sure that he knew he was not alone, “clever Daddy,” she cooed into his ear as she looked for a reaction. 

Nate was transfixed. He was still and speechless as his eyes traced his dad’s movements around the ice. Tessa smiled. She knew that Nate had fallen in love, just like she had the moment she’d seen Scott push off around the rink all those years ago - he was in love with the ice, and she knew right there in that moment that he too would find a home on its surface. 

“Me go,” Nate was on his feet and reaching out for his dad. 

Tessa got to her feet and with a huge smile on her face signalled to Scott to return. She saw the beaming smile on Scott’s face as he hurried back to the mat. She knew that he would never push Nate into skating anymore than he would push him into anything else, but she also knew that despite the fact he would never admit it, he would feel disappointed if his son never knew the comfort and peace the ice could offer. 

“I hope these fit,” Scott said as he grabbed the small skate bag that he had placed next to his own, “I measured them against a pair of his shoes and he hasn’t tried them on yet,” he explained as he took the brand new skates from the bag, “I hope they don’t hurt his feet,” he went on. 

“I’m sure he will let us know if they’re uncomfortable,” Tessa assured Scott, “right now I don’t think he can think or feel anything,” she smiled, “he’s just overwhelmed with excitement.”

Nate was on the mat pulling at his shoes with impatience.

“Let me help you,” Tessa offered as he put her hand to Nate’s right foot.

Eager to get into his skates so that he could join his dad, Nate allowed Tessa to remove his shoes before getting to his feet and heading over to Scott. 

“Sit down,” Tessa encouraged Nate softly as she put his shoes to one side, “and Daddy will help you put them on.”

Not wanting to delay his first steps on the ice any longer, Nate followed Tessa’s suggestion and dropped back to the mat in an instant. 

“Right,” Scott knelt down next to them, “let’s see how these fit, bud,” he spoke to Nate as he placed his son’s right foot into one of the tiny skates. 

“Me go,” Nate repeated as he helped his dad by pushing his foot into the skate. 

“You go,” Scott chuckled at him, “but let’s get these on your feet first,” he smiled. 

With the skates secured to his feet and his excitement brimming, Nate took Tessa’s hands as she helped him to his feet. She led him to the edge of the mat where Scott was waiting for him. 

“Here we go,” she smiled at Scott just before Nate put his blade onto the ice for the first time. 

“No going back now,” Scott’s smile was wide as he replied to her. 

They both watched as Nate put his blade to the ice and the slippery surface took him by surprise, just like they both knew it would, and his foot slid beneath him. 

“Oh,” Tessa held Nate’s waist as he jolted forward, “slippery,” she said in a sing-song voice that told Nate that there was nothing to fear. 

Far from acting in the cautious way that many two years olds might, Nate took the challenge the ice presented to him and moved his feet again to try to get purchase. He lost control and his legs slipped beneath him. Tessa’s grip around his waist was enough to make him feel secure but not enough to take away his feeling of independence. 

“Daddy makes it look so easy,” she whispered to Nate as she heard Scott chuckle softly above them. 

Tessa got Nate standing straight and upright as Scott stood a few paces off from him. 

“Can you go to Daddy?” Tessa encouraged Nate. 

“Move your feet a bit more,” Scott encouraged, “that’s it,” he beamed as his son followed his direction and wobbled a little. 

Nate’s hands reached out to rest on Tessa’s as they sat on his waist. 

“Clever boy,” Scott encouraged Nate as the toddler covered the couple of centimeters that sat between them and made it into Scott’s arms. 

“Wow,” Tessa clapped from her place on the mat, “good job, Nate,” she called. 

“Can you go back to Tessa now?” Scott encouraged Nate to turn around and cover the few meagre centimetres of ice again as Tessa smiled at him and spread her arms wide to encourage him. 

Nate, wobbling again, allowed Scott to turn him around so that he was facing Tessa. He got his balance before moving his feet and landing in Tessa’s arms. 

“Me go,” Nate laughed as he crashed into Tessa’s lap with a huge smile on his face. 

Tessa and Scott laughed heartily as they watched Nate push himself back to his feet immediately and turn back towards the ice. The boy clearly loved the feeling of gliding across the ice and being praised by his dad and his friend. He was eager to repeat the experience. They spent ten minutes supporting Nate to wobble between them before it was clear that he was ready to try a few more steps - whether he was ready or not, he was determined to get out there and discover more of the ice!

“Want to go a bit further?” Scott asked Nate as he wobbled into his arms, “come see the whole rink,” he smiled at his son as he picked him up and placed him on his hip before skating off at a gentle pace around the rink’s edge. Tessa stood up to watch them and waved at Nate as he looked back at her. Watching Scott skate softly around the rink with Nate warmed her heart. For a moment the rest of the world, the past - all that had happened, the future - all that was yet to happen - melted into the ether and the whole world sat there in front of her on the ice. All that was, all that mattered, all that she needed - all the things that, in the fullness of time she would come to realise made her whole, were there on the ice where it had all begun. Scott and Nate made their way around the rink and by the time they made it back to her Nate was beaming and as they pulled up beside her he held his arms out to her. 

“Tessie,” he called for her to join them. 

Scott and Tessa locked eyes instantly as they heard the ‘T’ sound that Nate had struggled with for so long. Those who looked closely enough would detect a tear form in the corner of the eyes of the most decorated ice dancers of all time - tears not formed by pain or winning, sadness or elation, but by a little boy and a simple letter. 

“Come and join us,” Scott said softly as he skated backwards with Nate in his arms. 

Tessa nodded with a smile as she headed towards her own skates and pushed her shoes from her feet. Scott skated off, he knew that it was a moment she needed on her own. He knew that the sensation of her feet sliding into boots for the first time was an emotional moment for her and part of her journey that she needed to own. He skated off but he was still watching her as she pulled the laces loose and looked at her skates for a moment before plunging her feet into them - that was the Tessa he knew, he thought as he smiled and felt his chest slacken. The Tessa he knew never passed out on a challenge. 

With skates laced and a deep breath in her lungs, Tessa put her blade to the ice and felt its smooth surface beneath her. The world rushed around her for a moment. A cosmic shift occurred as the universe aligned. There was no doubt that she was where she belonged - on the ice, on the ice with the one person in all of the world who knew and loved her best. All she knew in that moment was the ice, and that everything in that moment was ok - for now, for then, everything was ok. Little did she know that it was the first step that would lead her back to an emotional return to the ice. A moment neither of them could imagine was being written somewhere far away and far from their lives. The ice would become the stage for an emotional journey that neither of them were prepared for, but one that would help to lead them back to the arms they belonged in - each other’s. 

She found her rhythm with ease and skated across the ice to meet Scott and Nate. 

“Tessie,” Nate repeated as she appeared at their side. 

“Hey, you,” Tessa rubbed her hand along Nate’s back. Her fingers brushed Scott’s where he held Nate to his body. Before there was a moment to think their fingers were wound together.

“Ok?” Scott asked as he squeezed gently at the hand that still fitted perfectly into his. 

“Perfect,” she replied with a smile as she returned the pulse of understanding with her own palm before they both quickly broke the contact - they’d broken the rules, but neither of them acknowledged it because it was a moment beyond all rules. 

They both kept their hands at their sides and kept at a slight distance from each other as they did a lap of the rink and spoke softly to Nate, pointing out all of the rink’s features as they skated past them. It was a tour of the technicalities that Nate had no interest in at all. The stories he would come to beg his dad to tell him would come a lot later and they would be the stories that helped him to become the skater and the man that Scott and Tessa would watch grow and compete with a sense of pride and emotion.

“Do you want to get down on the ice?” Scott asked Nate once they had completed a lap of the ice. 

Nate, keen to be on the ice like his dad and Tessa, squirmed to be put down as Scott placed him gently onto the ice between him and Tessa, he grabbed a hand on either side and the three of them made their way slowly and carefully around the ice. Scott and Tessa were doing most of the work and ensuring that Nate stayed on his feet, but the toddler was oblivious to the Olympic level of support he was getting and was lost in the pure excitement of making his way around the rink for the first time. 

“He’s a natural,” Scott smiled over at Tessa. 

“In his blood,” Tessa smiled back at him before looking down at Nate and praising him for his careful steps. 

Scott’s eyes stayed on her as she spoke in soft tones. She looked relaxed, happy and like the Tessa that he had always known and loved. 

“Why don’t you show him some moves?” Tessa challenged Scott as she took Nate’s hand from him and supported the toddler on her own, “do you think Daddy’s still got it?” she asked Nate, although, of course, her words were really for Scott. 

“Still got it?” Scott scoffed as he skated in front of them, “never lost it,” he grinned as he deliberately wobbled backwards and feigned almost tripping over his own feet. 

“Slick as ever, Moir,” Tessa teased. 

Scott skated around them and gathered some speed before throwing a toe loop. 

“Woo!” Tessa watched Nate’s face as he watched his dad zoom and jump about the ice. She could see the awe and love in the toddler’s eyes and knew that he was going to grow up with an adoration for the man who had so lovingly raised him. She knew that before long Nate would be throwing himself about with abandon, and who better to teach him than the best skater she had ever had the privilege of skating beside. Scott found his stride and was soon passing them at speed and kicking ice up at them. 

“Wow,” he arrived at their side panting as he spoke, “out of shape, Virtch,” he managed through struggled breaths.

“Not bad for an old man,” she smiled at him. 

“Come on then,” he pinched her sides as he spoke, “let’s see what you’ve got,” he goaded her gently. 

She looked hesitant for a moment and he wondered whether he had pushed her a little too far. 

“Skate with your son,” the moment passed and her apprehension was replaced with the cheeky smile that he loved so much. 

He replaced her as Nate’s support as she pushed off and gently covered a lap of the rink on her own. He knew that she was in her own world, that she was revisiting times that were a mixture of hope and despair, happiness and tragedy, and he gave her the time with the ice that she needed. He watched her glide effortlessly across the ice. Even in a pair of leggings and sweater she was graceful, he thought. Her grace wasn’t trained and it wasn’t choreographed; it was natural and a part of her and born of the beauty that she was. He watched as the layers of pain and hurt and distress fell from her and the pure beauty and love that she had always been emerged into the light. On the ice she was in full flight, wings outstretched and heart open. Over the years they’d had some of their worst fights at the rink. Yelling in the changing rooms, slamming doors on each other, tears shed in the dance studio, but never on the ice. On the ice there was no pain and sorrow, no anger and no problem. On the ice they were more than two people skating, they were two parts of a whole. They’d had some of their most treasured moments on the ice, and not just at competition. There had been amazing moments of course, finishing their free dance in Pyeongchang and looking at each other and knowing that they had just skated the best program of their careers - in that moment the medals hadn’t mattered - they hadn’t existed - in that moment they had done it, they had achieved their dream. He had done it, in that moment, as he looked at her across the ice and saw her hands meet her mouth in total overwhelmed shock he knew that he had paid her back for all he had put her through. Even the moment on the podium as he looked down and her lips and sought her permission for the kiss that he was always going to be denied, wasn’t the moment that he treasured most. The moments that he loved were the ones that had happened on the ice in the early morning before everyone else was awake or late at night when everyone else, spent and bruised, headed home and they had the place to themselves. They were the times when she truly opened up, her body, her mind, her heart flew free and he felt her pulse with life in his arms. There were nights when all they did was sit on the cold ice together, limbs entwined and too tired to talk, but talking with their minds and their silence. There were times they’d skate lap after lap as they run through the past, the future, the choices that lay ahead of them. Of course, there was the sex, too. In the days that they were blindly plundering each other’s hearts through physical contact, the rink, late at night, was the place they gave into the desire that was too dangerous to live on its own outside of the rink and their skating. As a part of the partnership and the skating it was something that they could get away without addressing, it became an extension of their on ice physicality.   
His hands were gripped by his son’s and he was warmed by the pure enjoyment that Nate was getting from the ice, but his body ached to skate with her. As he watched her pulse with a calm and boundless energy he wanted to get lost in her all over again. He wanted to pull her close to him and skate until the world outside was nothing more than an abstract blur. He wanted to pull the past into the present and feel the connection that they had only ever created on the ice. 

He wanted her. He wanted her as a skater, as a friend and, although he couldn’t admit it to himself in that moment, as a lover and a wife and the other half to his whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter - a therapy session with Scott and Adam.


	65. Chapter Sixty Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry that this update has taken so long to arrive! I have started back to school in my teaching job and it has all been very strange indeed. I am settling into my routine now, and I hope to post weekly (I'll go with sectioned chapters again if need be because I hate leaving huge gaps and miss the interaction with you all!).  
I hope you enjoy this chapter.

“It’s really good to see you, Scott,” Adam smiled with sincerity, “how are things for you at the moment?” Adam could tell that Scott was eager to talk, and he wanted to ensure that the formalities of the session’s start didn’t get in the way or cause him to close down. 

“Ok,” Scott said before looking down at his hands in his lap. 

“You don’t sound too sure?” Adam stated. 

“Some things are great,” Scott looked up at Adam and smiled, “really great,” he added, “Nate had his first skating experience,” his eyes lit up as he spoke, “and he loved it,” he told Adam, “he was so excited.”

“I bet he was a natural,” Adam smiled. 

“He really was,” Scott smiled back, “and he was so eager,” Scott explained, “he was fearless.”

“That’s really good,” Adam’s smile widened, “it doesn’t sound like the kind of event that would make me feel little more than ‘ok’,” Adam steered the conversation back to the comment that Scott had made at the start of the session. 

“No,” Scott deflated slightly, “no,” he repeated, “and I am happy about Nate, I truly am,” he impressed upon Adam, “and it is a moment I will cherish.”

“But?”

“But there’s something on my mind,” Scott rubbed at his brow as he spoke, “and I just can’t seem to escape it,” Scott explained, “or act to resolve it.”

Adam’s face welcomed Scott to elaborate. 

“It’s Tess,” Scott said with a sigh, “there’s something going on with her that I need to address and I just can’t seem to find the right time to approach it.”

“I see,” Adam crossed his legs as he spoke, “it’s troubling you.”

“Really troubling me,” Scott sat back in his chair and his body loosened a little, “I’m not sleeping well and I feel distracted.”

“It must be something important.”

“It is,” Scott placed his hands in his lap and paused as he tried to find the words to explain what was happening with Tessa, “she’s lying,” were the only words that came. 

“Lying?” 

“Lying,” Scott tried to explain, “she’s lying to her mom and sister about her relationship.”

“Oh?”

“And to me,” he added before looking into the distance and fixing his eyes to a dull stare, “and I think possibly to herself,” he said finally. 

“Oh,” the realisation dawned on Adam, “oh dear,” he repeated in an empathetic tone, “and how do you know about this?”

“Her mom and sister saw her girlfriend,” Scott explained, “her ex-girlfriend,” he corrected himself, “the woman she is saying is her girlfriend,” he tried again but no explanation seemed sufficient, “and she gave them the impression,” he went on, “more than gave them the impression,” he clarified, “that things were over between them, and that she was moving away to make a fresh start.”

“And that’s not what Tessa has told you all?”

“No!” Scott shook his head, “she seems to have told Jordan that she and Ava were on a break,” he explained, “and, well, she hasn’t told me anything about what is happening between them.”

“Sounds complicated,” Adam smiled softly, “and how did you become involved as the person planning to speak to Tess about it?”

“They wanted to confront her,” Scott was quick to answer, and his tone was somewhat defensive, “Kate,” he added, “her mom. She wanted to confront Tessa about the lie and I told her not to, that I would speak to her and that we would use our therapy session with Mark to discuss it.”

“And did you?”

“I tried to bring it up,” Scott’s voice was tired as he spoke, “but she was clearly not ready to talk about it,” he told Adam, “and I know Tess,” he added, “if she doesn’t want to talk about something then forcing her to do so in a public way will not help.”

“But you still think it needs to be discussed?”

“I do,” Scott nodded with a sense of surety, “because after the therapy session I think she might actually still believe that she and Ava are still together.”

“What?” Adam’s brow creased as he spoke, “that she has got the wrong end of the stick?”

“No,” Scott shook his head, “that she has convinced herself that they are still together,” Scott explained, “like I said,” he gestured with his hands as he spoke, “that she is lying to herself.”

“That is worrying for you.”

“Of course,” Scott nodded, “and I need to talk to her about it,” he repeated, “but I just can’t seem to find the right time or the right way.”

“Ok,” Adam nodded as he sat up straight in his chair, “let’s work through this and see if we can find a way out for you,” he offered, “firstly, let’s think about how you would talk to someone else in the same situation, someone who is not Tess.”

“Ok.”

“So, let’s imagine that your brother is Tess in this situation, how would you approach him?”

“Erm,” Scott thought for a moment, “well, we would probably have a beer,” Scott started, “and then I would just tell him to stop being weird about it and get back out there.”

“A very male approach,” Adam replied with a smile in his voice.

“Yeah,” Scott’s tone lightened, “we’re pretty ‘male’ with each other,” he smiled. 

“Ok, let’s try someone else,” Adam suggested, “what about if it were a cousin or a friend who you don’t share a history with like you do with Tessa?”

Scott was silent for a moment as he thought, “to be honest,” he said slowly, “I don’t think I would find myself in that position with another female relative or friend,” he said honestly, “I don’t think there are many people in my life - male or female - who I feel I would be the best person to take on the task of talking to them in a situation such as this.”

“But you do with Tessa?”

“Yes,” Scott replied, “with Tessa it is different.”

“And I know that you spoke before, in a previous session, about friendship meaning that you are there for each other,” Adam stated, “being there for her as a friend is important to you.”

“It is,” Scott nodded, “it really is.” 

Adam nodded slowly. He knew that what he was about to say next needed to be delivered with tact and sensitivity, “so,” he began, “you want to be a good friend to her, and to be there for her,” he outlined, “but this is not a situation that you would find yourself facing with other friends in your life.”

Scott nodded as Adam spoke.

“Is this the kind of conversation that you would have found easier with Tess in the past?” Adam asked. 

Scott thought for a moment, “hmm,” he thought back to times when they had faced difficult issues before, “I think it’s something that I would have dealt with in a different way to the options I have available to me now,” he said finally. 

Adam saw that his gentle guiding was taking them where he had expected. 

“Ok,” he nodded, “so, let’s imagine another scenario,” he offered, “how would you have approached this in the past?” he asked, “or, an issue like this,” he added, “I know that perhaps framing relationship issues like this against your past relationship with each other doesn’t quite work,” he smiled, “but let’s imagine an equally difficult topic.”

Scott sat in complete silence as the reality of his thoughts dawned on him. He thought back to the difficult times they had encountered in the past. To the losses, the emotional tiredness, Tessa’s injury, his failing relationships; to all of the things that they had resolved, or rather not resolved, by the same, reliable method.

“We wouldn’t have talked,” he nodded, “not to begin with,” he added, “it wouldn’t have been words.”

“Ok,” Adam nodded, and his voice encouraged Scott to continue.

“It would have been physical,” Scott said finally, and his words were like a confession, “it would have been sex,” he said finally.

Adam was silent as he let Scott hear the echo of his own words. 

“We would have spoken with our bodies first,” he elaborated, “and then, once that barrier was gone we would have spoken about the issue,” he explained. 

“You used sex as a way of breaking through the barrier of awkwardness.”

“Through the barrier of emotion,” Scott corrected, “when we weren’t a couple,” he was clear, “when we were a couple we talked a bit better,” he told Adam, “because we’d had the comeback therapy,” he spoke with his hands, “but, we still avoided things even then.”

“So you used sex to break through the emotional barrier, and then what?”

“And then it was like we were more open and we could talk,” Scott’s brow creased as he made sense of his past behaviour, “I think sex was often a release for us in a way.”

“How so?”

“Well, we bottled our emotions a lot,” he explained, “because they got in the way,” he went on, “at the rink.”

“And sex was a way to let go off a range of emotions?”

“Like we didn’t have to work through each instance and each feeling one by one,” Scott detailed, “the sex was almost like a ‘catch all’, of that makes sense?”

“That makes perfect sense.”

“But now,” Scott sighed heavily as he sat back in his chair with the realisation that tracking through the past was going to do little to help him with his current problem, “now we don’t have sex to use in that way.”

“No.”

“And that’s a good thing,” Scott was quick to add, “saying it out loud now, I can hear just how unhealthy our behaviour was,” he chuckled lightly. 

Adam smiled across the room at him and joined him in his soft amusement, “what’s the alternative?”

Scott blew air through puffed cheeks as he thought. There was only one alternative. There was only one other way he knew when it came to Tessa.

“Skating,” he said simply. 

Adam nodded softly. 

“We need to skate,” Scott nodded at his own words, “at the rink with Nate,” his voice deepened as he went back to the morning at the rink and the way she had looked on the ice, “it was like she was alive again,” he said softly, “like she was free.”

Adam resisted the urge to ask why Tessa was at the rink with them - it was a question to which he already knew the answer anyway. 

“Skating can serve the same purpose as sex used to?”

Scott’s laugh was big and deep this time, “you have seen our skates, right?”

Adam joined Scott in his laughter, “is this one of those moments where you want me to stop pretending I know nothing about your career?”

“It can be!”

“Then, yes,” Adam smiled, “I think skating may well be the next best thing available to you,” he smiled heartily. 

“Except,” Scott sighed deeply as he felt yet another barrier descend, “we are not allowed physical contact,” he told Adam, “we agreed,” he explained, “with Mark.”

“Ah,” Adam placed his hands together as he spoke, “you have rules.”

“We do,” Scott nodded. 

“Rules,” Adam let the word roll off his tongue, “you know what they say about rules, Scott,” he arched his eyebrows as he spoke and looked over and into Scott’s eyes. He knew that his words were insignificant at that point - Scott’s mind was already set. Adam knew that Scott would do whatever it took to help Tessa, and if that meant breaking the rules, then so be it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes - it's happening! We're there! Manage your expectations - you know I am not going to give you all and everything straight away, and that these fools still have a long way to go, but the moment is here and it will be good (I hope)!!


	66. Chapter Sixty Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Argh! Here it is - I hope it lives up to your expectations!  
Just keep in mind that we still have a way to go - this is not everything sorted and sealed and there are some really tough moments ahead.   
I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Scott’s heart missed a beat when he heard the rink’s back door closed to. The harsh early morning dawn threw a shaft of light into the foyer in which he was standing and he suddenly felt the spotlight of responsibility on himself. He knew that this was his chance to talk to her and he knew that it was not one that he could afford to pass up. He needed to find his courage. For her; he needed to be courageous for her because she needed him and he wasn’t prepared to allow himself to fail her again. 

“Morning,” her voice was laced with sleep when she appeared at the door. 

“Morning,” Scott turned to face her and stood in the way of the sunlight that was about to blind her. 

“Where’s Nate?”

Scott knew that the toddler’s absence would be the first thing she picked up on. 

“My mom’s bringing him over,” he hoped that he sounded as casual as he was aiming to as he grabbed his skates and pushed through the double doors and into the rink without pausing, “he was being fussy this morning,” he explained as he made his way towards the ice, hoping that she was following, “he wouldn’t put his clothes on and then refused all of the food Mom gave him.”

“Oh no.”

“He’s fine,” Scott was quick to assure her, “just being a two year old,” he smiled, “Mom will bring him over just as soon as she has him sorted out.”

“Ok,” she smiled and nodded as she watched Scott make short work of pushing his shoes from his feet and pulling on his skates.

“Warm up with me?” he did his best to keep his voice steady as he spoke in the hope that she wouldn’t realise that what seemed like an unplanned and casual request was actually as carefully choreographed as their most memorable routines. 

Tessa paused for a moment before replying, “sure,” she said after a beat as she sat down and pulled at her own shoes. 

Scott felt a sense of relief flood through him as he watched her lace her skates to her feet. He was pretty sure that she would agree to skate - he had seen the way it had pulled her back in the last time they were at the rink, and he knew that even if her head told her to stay away, her heart would overrule and put her back on the ice; where she belonged. He stepped onto the ice and waited at the boards as she finished putting on her skates. He watched her set her shoes neatly before heading towards him. He loved her attention to detail - always had. It was one of the things that had made their routines so successful. Whereas he was the technical skater, she was the artistry and the specifics and it was what made them the winning team that they became. 

“Ready?” she asked as she stepped on to the ice and smiled at him. 

“You go ahead,” he said as he bent down to fiddle with the lace of his skate, “just got to make some adjustments,” he smiled as he pulled his foot from the skate, “don’t fit like they used to,” he said as he pushed his hand into his skate and made a show of adjusting the inside of it. 

“Sure,” Tessa smiled at him as she pushed off from the boards and started off around the rink. 

Scott kept up the show of adjusting his skate as he watched her take increasingly sure and measured strides around the rink’s perimeter. He knew that it was important to give her the chance to get a feel for the ice before he joined her. Even when they were a couple; when they were at their very closest, she needed time alone on the ice. He watched how she unfurled in front of him, her limbs becoming increasingly fluid as she twisted and turned her away across the slick surface. He felt then that he could stand and watch her all day. She was captivating. She smiled over at him and he realised that he was meant to be adjusting his skate. He smiled back and pulled the skate back on. 

“You good?” she asked as she passed by him for the third time. 

“I’m good,” he smiled as he secured his skate to his foot and pushed off to follow her around the ice. 

Tessa slowed to allow him to catch up with her and they skated side by side. 

“Are you sure nothing is wrong with Nate?” Tessa asked as they stroked around the ice together. 

“Absolutely,” Scott replied as he felt a shade of guilt fall over him; he didn’t like lying to her about anything, and making her worry about Nate was the last thing he wanted to do, “I just didn’t want to push him too much,” he told her, “he’s got a big weekend coming up.”

“Oh?”

“It’s Jena’s last weekend with him this weekend,” Scott told her as they flowed around the ice’s edge, “ and I know he doesn’t understand that, but-”

“He’s a sensitive kid,” Tessa smiled over at Scott, “he will have picked up on the fact that something is about to happen.”

“Yeah,” Scott nodded. 

“And you?” Tessa asked as they started to fall into a steady rhythm beside each other, “how are you feeling about it?”

“It feels big,” Scott admitted, “final.”

“I think that’s understandable,” she offered in way of support.

Scott felt his heart beat out of sync as he saw an opening. He knew that he needed to take the plunge and get the conversation rolling. They pushed through a few more steps before he took a deep breath and told himself to find his courage and resilience. 

“How’s Ava?” he tried to keep his voice casual as they skated next to each other in the same way they had for decades. 

“Fine,” she smiled over at him, “have you thought about how you’re going to explain Jena’s move to Nate?” she asked as she increased their pace a little. 

Scott was expecting the segue and knew that he had to use it to his advantage, “I think I’m just going to be truthful,” he said, “and tell him that things change,” he added, “that sometimes things are not in our control and we might not want them to happen, but that there is nothing that we can’t cope with,” he looked at her as he spoke, “even if we think we can’t.”

“That sounds wise,” she smiled back at him, “you’ve become very wise in your dad days,” her smile grew warmer as she spoke. 

“It’s just the truth,” Scott said softly, “sometimes people leave and it hurts,” he said slowly, “and it’s ok to miss people.”

“Your words now will help him to understand when he is older,” Tessa said warmly as she looked at him. He really had evolved and she saw so much in the new man that he had become. 

“It’s going to be tough for him,” Scott admitted, “but I am always going to be there for him,” he said with surety and strength, “I will always be right here,” he spoke to her from his heart as they completed another lap of the rink. 

“Nate would never doubt your support, Scott,” Tessa looked into his eyes as she spoke, “he knows that you’re there for him,” she assured him. 

“And for you,” Scott leapt onto the tail of her words, “I am here for you, too,” he fixed his gaze on her as he spoke. 

“And I am here for you, too,” Tessa couldn’t help but meet his gaze with her own as she spoke. She felt his depth and she felt herself being pulled into it. 

“I’m here for you right now, T,” he looked into her eyes as he spoke and tried to use their connection to work through the layers of protection that she was hiding beneath, “for what you’re going through,” he heart raced in his chest as he spoke, “for your break up with Ava,” it was said. The words were out there. He swallowed deeply as she broke their eye contact and skated away. 

“Tess,” his voice was soft as he skated behind her, giving her space but letting her know that he was not going anywhere, “I know,” he said simply, “I know that you and Ava are over,” he said it out loud and the words seemed to echo around the arena, “and I know you don’t want to believe it, T,” he went on, “but it’s true,” he felt the pain he was causing and it hurt him to be so cruel, “she’s left.”  
He could see her shoulders quiver before she picked up the pace of her skating. He saw her push into the ice, hard and deep and he knew that she was heading for the exit. He buried his blades into the ice and propelled himself towards her. He met her back and wrapped his arms around her before she could reach the hatch in the boards. He pulled her body into his and felt her fight against him. 

“Tess,” he said softly as she thrashed against his arms, “Tess,” he repeated as he pinned her arms to her side and held her tightly, “it’s ok,” he told her in soft tones, “it’s ok.”

His words did little to calm her and he saw the look of frustration turn to hot anger as he restricted her movement and dragged her around the ice against his body. 

“No,” she struggled against him and thrashed to be released from his grip. 

Scott felt his chest heave with sadness as he used his superior strength against her and stopped her freedom. He struggled to keep her upright as he spoke to her. 

“It’s ok,T,” he told her, “stop fighting,” where his arms were strong, his words were soft and he was filled with the need to see his task through to the end. He was over the worst hill - he had found the courage to breach her defenses and unleash her pain, and now he needed to help her manage it. Letting her leave now would render his actions worthless and just cause her more hurt. He knew that losing her in that moment would mean losing her forever, and that was something he was never going to allow to happen- he had lost her once already and he knew second chances were not something to take for granted. She squirmed and thrashed for a few moments. As her arms flailed they caught his face, but he was undeterred. He knew that he needed to hold her until the anger left her. He needed to help her ride it out. After a few minutes she stopped fighting him, but her body remained rigid as they stood motionless on the ice and he held her body firmly in his arms. 

“It’s ok,T,” he spoke into her hair as he held her, “I’m here,” he told her as he felt her heavy and exhausted in his arms, “and I am not going anywhere,” he promised her as he buried his face into her hair and spoke for both of their hearts, “I know I left before,” the words were small and muffled, but he needed to say them - for himself as much as for her, “but I will never leave you again,” he told her, “I promise,” they were both motionless and silent for a moment as his words tumbled from him like a confession, “it’s ok,” he told her again as she buried her head in his shoulder, “whatever you fear, T,” he stroked a hand along her back as he spoke, “I am here and you don’t need to be afraid,” he soothed, “but we do have to talk about this,” he stood her up and made her face him, and when he looked into her eyes he saw the pain and the tears threatening to flow. 

“Skate with me,” were the only words she could find as her green eyes appealed to him and her body softened into his. 

Scott felt relief wash over him as her arms encircled him in a hold that needed no choreography. No matter how long they spent apart, no matter how they changed or grew their bodies still fitted together with seamless simplicity. They folded into each other, their hearts against each other and their arms holding each other as they set off across the rink and skated to the beat of their partnership; a beat only they could hear and one that they had longed to dance to since the day they had parted. They danced to the beat of their pain as it thrummed through them. There was so much to overcome and so much to work through, and some of the wounds were too far from being scars to be explored, but it was a start. They were slowly skating towards a starting point; a pile of ashes from which their relationship could rise and take on a new form. 

They lapped the rink together in complete silence, their bodies talking to each other and their hearts settling. Scott’s breath came more easily as he felt her give in and give herself to the movement. It wasn’t over - they still needed to talk and allowing her to evade putting her feelings and her hurt into words was not something he could allow her to do, but her body told him that he had breached her defenses and that he was past the barrier that she had put up. He was closer to her now than he had been since she’d rejected him and he felt like a part of him had realigned and was exactly where it should be; home. 

“Speak to me, T,” he said softly into her ear. 

His breath was warm and soft on her ear and she let the feeling fill her before she responded, “there’s nothing to say,” she whispered, her voice hoarse with exhaustion, “you said it,” she added, “it’s over,” as the words left her mouth he felt her heave with a sob. He held her tighter then as they flowed through steps from another life and time. There were no words needed, his arms held her in a way that told her he wouldn’t let her go. That he was there. Whatever she needed; he would be it.

Time fell away as they skated in and out of their emotions. Eyes closed and hearts starting to open, they cut ridges into the ice as they melted into each other. There was nothing else. There was no one else. There was no other need that they had, but for the touch and warmth of the other. Time ceased to exist - present, past, future, nothing. Just the ice. Just the movement. Just them. 

Scott felt her start to drain in his arms, “T,” he slipped his hand into his pocket and reached for the key to his house, “you need to rest,” he told her, “go to mine,” he placed the key in her hand, “take a bath,” he told her as he led her to the rink’s exit. He looked into her reddened eyes. Something had changed. Not only in her, but between them, when they looked at each other now it was to a place deeper than they had before. It was to a place that had been hidden from view, “soak,” he told her, “I am going to get Nate, and we will talk when I get back.”  
He knew that she wouldn’t protest; not this time. There was a new understanding between them.

She nodded slowly, “you’ve got coffee, right?” a smile slipped across her lips and into her watery eyes. 

“Plenty,” he told her with a smile as he looked into her eyes. 

They left the rink and went their separate ways, bathed in the light of the fresh new dawn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're all invited back to Scott's for breakfast!!


	67. Chapter Sixty Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy this. There are leaps forward here - grab them and hold them close!!

After a leisurely visit to his mom’s, Scott held Nate to his body as he pushed open the front door to his house. He felt the toddler squirm in his arms as the door opened. Nate was tired and restless. Although the explanation he had given Tessa a few hours earlier about Nate being fractious and fussy had been a lie, it seemed now that the little boy was struggling to be his usual happy self. Alma had also struggled to get Nate to eat anything for breakfast and had resorted to letting him have a bowl of strawberry pudding to start the day with - not that he had eaten much of it. 

“You’re out of sorts, bud,” Scott spoke softly as he closed the front door behind them and dropped Nate’s backpack to the hallway floor, “I hope you’re not coming down with something,” he placed the back of his hand to Nate’s forehead as he spoke. He didn’t feel unusually warm or clammy, Scott decided.

Nate rubbed at his eyes with a closed fist as his dad spoke to him. 

“Perhaps you just need a good sleep,” he suggested to Nate. 

“Hi,” Tessa’s voice reached them from the kitchen. 

Scott watched as Nate’s head rose and his eyes darted to the kitchen. He looked up at Scott with sudden enthusiasm.

“Tessie,” he looked at his dad almost as if it were a question to check whether his friend could really be there, in his kitchen, for breakfast. 

“Tessie is here for breakfast,” Scott told Nate with a smile as he watched the toddler make towards the kitchen. He followed Nate’s small but quick footsteps down the hallway and towards the kitchen.

“Morning, Nate,” Tessa was waiting for him with a smile. 

Nate dispensed with the idea of any further words and toddled straight towards her and stood with his arms outstretched asking to be picked up. Tessa obliged and reached down to pull him into her arms. 

“Hey,” her voice was welcoming and soothing at the same time, “you look like a tired boy,” she told Nate as he nestled against her. 

“Me big boy,” Nate told her, never wanting to be thought of as anything less than the big boy that his dad had told him proudly that he was. 

Scott and Tessa giggled in unison at Nate’s response. 

“Well,” Tessa said with a smile, “I hope you’re not too big for special car toast,” she told him as she reached forward to pick up a plate from the counter. Nate turned his head to look at the plate in her hands. His eyes lit up when he saw a warm piece of toast cut into the shape of a car lying on the plate. He reached out to take it, and as he did a smile broke across his face. Scott watched from a few meters away and felt his heart warm at the scene. Nate held the car aloft over Tessa's shoulder.

“Brrm,” Nate made the sound of an engine as he held the toast up towards his dad, “brrm,” he repeated, “daddy, brrm.”

Scott was wearing a smile that matched Nate’s as he walked towards him. 

“Wow,” Scott said as he arrived at Tessa’s back, “car toast,” he spoke to Nate as he got closer, closing the space between the three of them and bringing his body within centimeters of Tessa’s back, “you are a lucky boy.”

“Yum,” Nate’s appreciation of toast was mumbled through a mouthful of butter and bread and Scott couldn’t help but chuckle as he watched his son devour the only food he had entertained eating all morning, “daddy some,” Nate held the toast out to Scott - he wanted to share his amazing food with the man he loved the most. 

“What an honour,” Scott closed the space that remained between his and Tessa’s bodies as he leant over her shoulder to nibble at Nate’s toast, “wow,” Scott widened his eyes as he chewed, “that’s the best car toast I have ever tasted,” he told Nate as he watched his son hungrily stuff the rest of the toast into his mouth, “thanks,” Scott’s left arm found its way to Tessa’s hip as he spoke into her ear in a soft voice, “that’s the first thing he’s eaten all morning,” he told her as he held her body close to his. They both stayed still for a moment, using Nate’s eating as an excuse to keep the contact that they both knew was outside of all of the rules they’d promised to obey, and yet exactly what they both needed - and wanted - from each other. 

“Are you ok?” Scott’s voice was almost a whisper. 

“Yeah,” she replied with her own softened voice, “I feel better after soaking in the bath,” she told him with a smile as they watched Nate swallow the last of his toast and knew that the moment of calm would soon be over. 

“You know we still need to talk?” his voice was still soft, but this time it had an underlying seriousness that told her she could not evade what was needed. 

“Yeah,” she replied with a tone of resignation as she wiped Nate’s fingers with a cloth to remove the butter. Nate rubbed at his eyes again before burying his head into Tessa’s shoulder, “someone’s sleepy,” Tessa soothed Nate’s head as she spoke. 

“He’s not himself, are you, bud?” Scott put a hand to Nate’s back and rubbed at it slowly as he spoke, “I’ll grab the coffee,” he told Tessa as he moved across the kitchen, “let’s go sit in the lounge.”

As their bodies parted they both felt the absence of the other’s warmth. There was something so natural about being together and being close to each other that they both couldn’t bring themselves to acknowledge, but at the same time were both acutely aware of. Things had shifted and they could both feel the effects of the movement and change, but neither quite understood what had happened. They both resolved, subconsciously, simply to foreground the issue they were faced with discussing and resolving, and to allow anything deeper to run its own course. Scott watched Tessa dance slowly around the kitchen with Nate in her arms as she kissed his head and soothed him. He loved how easy they were with each other and how naturally they seemed to get on. He was glad that Tessa was in Nate’s life and he knew that they had a relationship that was going to grow and deepen as time went by. He thought that they were good for each other. Nate clearly loved Tess and, Scott realised as he poured their coffee, it was good for Nate to have a female influence in his life other than just his doting grandma. And Nate was good for Tessa, too. Unlike other people, Scott had always been aware of her caring and nurturing side, and having Nate around really brought that out in her. He saw her relax and soften when she was with Nate and he knew that was a good thing for her. He placed the coffee cups onto a tray, added a sippy cup of juice for Nate and a bowl of chopped fruit from the fridge and they were ready to go. 

“All good,” he smiled across at her as she held a now rather sedate and sleepy Nate in her arms. 

They made their way through to the lounge. As they walked through the hallway, Scott noticed a slight limp in Tessa’s gait. 

“You ok?” he asked. 

“Yeah,” she nodded as she lifted her legs one at a time in order to stretch them out, “that’s more skating than I’ve done for a while,” she smiled at him, “just a bit tight,” she explained. 

As they entered the lounge Scott placed the tray down on the coffee table before heading out of the room again, “I’ve got some lavender oil,” he said as he disappeared up the stairs. He returned moments later with a bottle of essential oil and a towel. He sat down on the sofa next to her where she was resting against the arm with Nate curled into her body. 

“Legs,” Scott ordered as he laid the towel over his legs and motioned for her to lift hers. 

“Scott,” Tessa began, “you don-”

“Legs,” Scott’s tone told her that he was not going to take ‘no’ as an answer.   
With a sigh and a grateful smile, Tessa shuffled in her seat and turned to put her legs across his lap. She adjusted Nate in her lap so that he was fully supported by her body, “is it ok for him to sleep now?” she asked Scott as she pulled a blanket from the back of the sofa to cover up the sleeping Nate. 

“Sure,” Scott nodded as he rolled up the legs of her leggings to expose her calves, “if he’s tired it’s best to just let him sleep,” he looked at Nate’s closed eyes as he spoke, “I hope he’s not getting ill.”

“He’s not overly warm,” Tessa pressed her hand to Nate’s head as she spoke, “we all have off days,” she said as she secured the blanket around Nate’s body and put her arms around him. 

“We do,” Scott smiled as he unscrewed the cap of the lavender oil and poured a little onto his hands. 

“Can I ask you a question?” Tessa’s voice was a little hesitant as she spoke. 

“Sure,” Scott smiled at her as he rubbed the oil around his palms in order to warm his hands. 

“How did you know?” Tessa asked, “about Ava?”

“Your mom and Jordan,” Scott told her and he gently touched his fingertips to her skin, “they saw her in a coffee shop,” he explained, “and she told them you’d broken up.”

“Oh,” Tessa felt herself burn with embarrassment, “oh no,” anxiety rippled through her voice. 

“Tess,” Scott turned his attention away from her legs and looked at her, forcing her to make eye contact with him, “this is not something that’s going to be easy to talk about, I get that,” he said kindly, “but you don’t need to feel embarrassed with me or about what has happened,” he told her, “we just need to talk this through so that you can work past it,” he spoke from the heart, “I will speak to your mom and Jordan,” he put her mind at rest, “and they only need to know what you want them to,” he assured her, “anything we talk about is between us,” he hoped that she already knew that, but wanted to make sure, “and I want you to know that you can be as open and honest with me as you want,” he met her gaze to make sure that she was taking in what he said, “I am not judging you,” he looked deeply into her eyes as he said the final words.

“I know,” Tessa said softly in reply as she returned the depth of his look. 

“And you know that you can just use ‘pause’,” he reminded her, “if you want to stop, or you need a break, or we’re getting to something that you’re not ready to discuss.”

“Ok,” she nodded. 

“Ok,” Scott smiled before turning his attention back to her legs where they sat on his lap. He moved his fingers gently over her skin with a light touch, “so,” he began, “do you want to tell me exactly what happened?” he asked as he followed the notches of her tibia with the pads of his fingers. 

Tessa allowed her thoughts to settle for a moment before she spoke. She wanted to be truthful with him, and she wanted his help to sort through how she was feeling. Breaking through the lies to the reality had been her first step, and time on her own in the tub had given her the opportunity to think and process, but there was still so much that she needed to say out loud in order to understand her behaviour. However, she also knew that she couldn’t be wholly truthful with Scott. She knew that she couldn’t tell him what Ava had said as she’d left - that she didn’t believe her when she said that she and Scott did not love each other. She knew that Scott saw their relationship as she did - a friendship - but she also knew that he already blamed himself for her breakdown and the aftermath of their breakup, and she didn’t want him to feel guilty about her break up with Ava. There was no need for him to feel guilt because he had not been the reason they had broken up - she was not in love with him; Ava was wrong. But she knew Scott, and she knew that he wouldn’t see it like that. In his mind he would be partly responsible and she had to protect him from feeling that. It was omission, she decided, which she knew was akin to lying in many respects, but in this case it was to protect a friend; her best friend, and the man who was here now for her and with her and willing to work through things with her, and that was not something she wanted to risk. His words from the rink rang through her - ‘I am here’ - and she held tightly to them. She needed him. She needed him in her life, and she couldn’t risk saying or doing anything that would cause him to leave or to draw into himself and away from her. 

“She was in a different place to me,” Tessa began slowly, “she wanted more than I could give her.”

Scott nodded as he worked his fingers down her legs and massaged the muscles he knew so well. He knew all of the points of her physical pain. He knew where her muscles knotted, he knew where her faded surgery scars ran through her skin, and he knew how to bring the relief she needed. He wished only that he could soothe the pain of her heart in the same way. He wished that he could heal the parts of her that made her lie to herself, deny herself the confidence he knew she deserved, and help to close the wounds that he knew still lay raw and open in the chambers of her heart. But he knew that it was almost impossible to be both the dagger and the salve. So many of the holes in her heart were caused by him, so much of the pain she carried had been inflicted by his words and actions, and he knew that it was next to impossible for him to mend what he had broken. 

“I wanted to keep things casual,” Tessa felt a lump rise in her throat as she spoke. 

“Things seemed to be going well between the two of you,” Scott probed. He had always been under the impression that Ava was accommodating of Tessa’s need to take things slowly and keep things casual. His instinct told him that something in Tessa’s narrative didn’t quite add up. 

“They were,” Tessa frowned as she spoke, “and we were having a good time,” she added, “but Ava’s heart was all in,” she said with a sense of vagueness in her voice. 

Scott allowed his fingers to reach the ankle of her right leg before he applied more oil to his fingers and turned his attention to her left leg.

“How did she react to me being back around?” the question was out before he had a chance to consider whether he really wanted to ask it. 

Tessa shuffled slightly in her seat. She looked down at Nate as her breath caught in her chest. She grounded herself, felt Scott’s warm hands on her skin.

“Pause,” the word was low and breathy when it came. 

Scott only nodded slowly. He had to respect her request - those were the rules. It was true, some rules were made to be broken - proven. But, not this one. Breaking the rule of ‘pause’ would break the trust between them. It was something that they had both vowed never to do. 

“Ok,” he said softly as he acknowledged her request, “we don’t have to talk in any more detail about why you broke up,” he continued to concentrate on her legs as he spoke. He pushed lightly at the tissue around her ankle and rubbed soft circles into it. The smell of the lavender drifted between them and created a calmness that helped to ease the situation as much as it did her muscles, “but let’s talk about how you feel about it,” he said as he eased the palm of his hand over the top of her foot, “and how you reacted to it.”

“Ok,” she nodded. 

There was silence between them as they both bathed in the scent of the lavender and Tessa sifted through her thoughts for a place to begin. She closed her eyes and focused on the warmth of Scott’s hands on her skin. She felt his empathy and support fill her and she knew that with him she could be open and vulnerable. He helped. Just his presence helped, but his touch was like a guide rope anchoring her to the confidence that she could trust in. She realised then that she could trust him. Like no one else in her life, she could trust him. It was a familiar feeling; an old one. But it wasn’t the same as it had been before - there was a new dimension to it. She was unable to pinpoint how the feeling had changed and whether its new form was due to an addition or a loss, but she felt the security of it. 

“I hadn’t really thought about it until today,” she opened her eyes and began to talk with her eyes fixed on his fingers as they travelled gently and slowly across her skin, “until I was alone,” she expanded, “in the bath,” she added, “but I think in many ways the way I reacted is not that dissimilar to the way I reacted in the hotel,” it was the first time they’d revisited what had happened in Philadelphia. 

Scott gave her the time and space to continue. 

“And I am so annoyed with myself,” her tone turned suddenly and Scott felt her tense beneath her fingertips, “all the work I have done,” she spoke through almost gritted teeth, “all the therapy and I still acted in such a unhealthy way,” there was something bordering on self-hate in her voice. 

“Hey,” Scott stopped massaging her legs with his fingertips and put his warm palm to her right thigh, “no being angry at yourself,” he told her as he rubbed gently at the material of her leggings, “you have come a long way, Tess,” he looked at her as he spoke, “explain what you mean,” he encouraged her, “about it being similar to the hotel,” his look steadied her as he pleaded with her. He kept his hand on her thigh until she took a breath and nodded at him. 

“Well,” she began, “it’s about fear,” she felt the honesty begin to sting as she spoke, “when I feel an emotion that I have felt before,” she explained, “an emotion that has caused me pain,” she expanded, “I get scared and I try to protect myself from it by trying not to feel it.”

“That makes sense,” Scott encouraged as he slipped his hand to her calf muscle and began to massage it deeply. 

Tessa sighed with the relief that his fingers gave as her muscles started to loosen, “that’s really what I did when I was ill,” she told him, “I denied my feelings to begin with, tried to carry on, and then when that didn’t work; when I couldn’t deny how I felt any longer, it all came crashing down on top of me,” she explained, “and because there was so much that I hadn’t dealt with,” she went on, “so much that was bottled inside and built up, it all crashed onto me at once and it was overwhelming,” she closed her eyes for a moment as she relived the pain she had spent so many months fighting through, “and it was like being buried alive,” she told him as she opened her eyes, “and now, when I feel those same emotions it’s like it could all happen again,” she said, “I mean, I know that’s not where I am now,” she clarified, “I am not at that point,” she breathed deeply, “I am so much healthier than I ever was then,” there was relief in her voice as she spoke, “but fear is irrational, isn’t it?” she sought his clarification, “that’s the point,” she explained, “the fear keeps us safe.”

“But sometimes it is overpowering,” Scott offered in order to show that he understood, “and in protecting ourselves from the fear we actually do more damage than if we’d just exposed ourselves to the thing we feared.”

“Exactly,” Tessa smiled at him. She loved the way he understood her. It was something else that was different - the way he understood her. He had always understood her more widely and deeply than anyone else, but this was new and different.

“So,” Scott pushed on, “what was it you feared exactly?”

Tessa was silent. The words caught in her throat. They were lodged like arrows that she couldn’t bring herself to fire. Scott’s fingers froze as his understanding dawned. He felt a coldness run through him that turned instantly to a burning fire of anguish and regret. He closed his eyes momentarily as if to savour his final moment of ignorance. 

“Being left,” he said for her as he looked up at her and into her eyes, “being left,” he repeated as his voice thickened, “like I left you,” his eyes threatened tears, “Tess,” he said as he lifted his hands from her legs and moved across the sofa towards her, bringing his body closer to hers.

“Pause,” her voice was breathless as the words passed her lips and she shuffled backwards in her seat. 

The word broke the moment and Scott backed off immediately. They both emerged from the thickness of the moment and tried to regulate their breathing. Nothing in the room stirred. The air around them, thick with the scent of truth, hung above them. They each disappeared into themselves for a moment in order to grasp at the solid ground they needed. 

“I’m only pausing,” Tessa was the one to break the silence with barely audible words, “I’m not shutting this down,” she told him. She needed for him to know that they could talk about what he needed them to, “but I need to do this in a controlled way,” she told him, “we do,” she added, “in therapy,” she said, “where it’s safe.”

“Agreed,” Scott nodded slowly with a smile. He knew they needed the safety of a professional to guide them through the topic that caused them both so much pain. He knew that safety meant regulation and control and someone to put things into perspective. What he could not acknowledge in that moment was that safety also meant navigating what they would find on the other side of forgiveness. They were headed for unchartered waters and the land beyond would be both exciting and dangerous in equal measure, and navigating it alone would be perilous. 

“It’s all on your time, Tess,” Scott had fully emerged from the depths they had taken each other to, “when you’re ready,” he smiled up at her. 

There was no time for her to reply as the air was filled with the sound of Scott’s ringing phone. Tessa instinctively tightened her grip on Nate and pulled the blanket closer around him in the hope that Scott would be able to reach into his pocket and grab his phone before the noise woke the sleeping boy in her arms. She moved her legs from his lap as he rummaged in his pocket. He retrieved the phone and his brow creased in confusion as he silenced it and put it to his ear. 

“Jeff,” he smiled into the phone as he answered, “long time, no speak,” he chirped. 

Tessa watched Scott’s reactions change on his face as he spoke into the phone. 

“I don’t know,” he said after listening to Jeff on the other end of the phone, “I know...I can’t make any promises...of course...ok...let me speak to Tess,” he said finally, “and then I will get back to you,” Jeff’s muffled voice came across the line again, “I’ll call you back in a few hours,” he assured the man on the other end of the phone, “ok...you too, Jeff...ok,” Scott pulled the phone away from his ear, ended the call and turned to face Tess. 

“That was JB,” he smiled at her, “he wants us to skate in a testimonial show for Elvis.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up - time for a session with Gloria!


	68. Chapter Sixty Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this chapter finds you all well.   
Enjoy the progress (and the promise of a wonderful future).

“It’s been a while,” Gloria smiled across the room at Tessa as the two women settled into their chairs and their therapy session, “I know you’ve been seeing Mark regularly,” she added, “I hope that has been useful.”

“It has,” Tessa smiled, “and we’ve made some progress,” she told Gloria, “well, we had,” she said as an afterthought. 

“Had?”

“Well, no,” Tessa shook her head and shoulders as if it shake off the comment that she had made along with the confusion that was starting to take a hold of her, “we have made progress,” she tried to make herself clear, “and Mark has been great,” she smiled over at Gloria, “but this week,” she looked down as she spoke, “well, we haven’t really done what he has asked us to this week.”

“Oh?”

“We have rules,” Tessa explained, “rules that we’ve agreed on,” she gestured with her hands as she spoke, “and we are serious about keeping them,” her tone became defensive, “we are,” she reinforced, “but this week…,” she tailed off, unable to bring herself to admit what they had done the day before. 

“But the rules are decided between the three of you?” Gloria asked, “you and Scott have a say in the rules?”

“Of course.”

“So if they are rules that you are breaking, then maybe they’re not rules you need?”

“We do need them,” Tessa was quick to respond, “we do,” she emphasised. 

“Ok,” Gloria remained calm as she spoke, “do you want to tell me any more?”

Tessa fell into silence. She wanted to tell Gloria everything, but she didn’t know if she had the words to explain what had happened between them - she wasn’t sure that she fully understood herself what had happened between them. However, what she did understand; the thing she feared to explore the most, was that something had changed between them. Something had shifted and she wasn’t ready to explore what that was. 

“I…,” she started to find the words that she needed in order to explain the situation to Gloria in a way that she could handle, “I’ve been lying,” she said at last. 

“To Scott?” Gloria tried not to let her confusion colour her voice.

“To Scott,” Tessa confirmed with a sigh, “to my mom, to Jordan, to you, to Mark,” the names came in a flurry and flew from her in frustration. She paused and took a breath before bringing the worst truth of all to her lips, “to myself,” she said quietly.

Gloria let Tessa’s words fill the space around them. They needed to be out; to be aired. She knew that allowing them some space would make them less difficult to handle. 

“Do you want to talk about what you’ve been lying about?” Gloria offered Tessa the opportunity to set the pace of the conversation. She could see that her client was struggling with the thoughts and feelings that were taking over her, but she also knew that this was a big moment for Tessa because rather than burying and ignoring what she feared she was fighting to face it. 

“About Ava,” when Tessa’s voice came it was like that of a child admitting that they had been caught out in a lie. 

“About Ava?”

“We aren’t together,” Tessa admitted. The words were like blades as they cut past her lips, “we broke up,” she went on, “no,” she stopped herself, she took a breath, closed her eyes, “no,” she forced her lips to move, “Ava left me,” there - it was said. The words were out. 

“Well done, Tess,” Gloria’s voice was soft, “I know that was tough,” she praised the young woman sitting opposite her, “that took a lot of strength.”

“I’ve been lying,” Tessa was quick to cut off Gloria's praise, “to everyone,” she shook her head. 

“And admitting that is one of the toughest things you’ve done to date,” Gloria told her, “looking a beast in the face is heroic, Tessa.”

Tessa tried not to scoff audibly. 

“Give yourself some credit,” Gloria told her, “give yourself a break on this one.”

Tessa looked down and picked at a piece of skin next to her right thumb nail. 

“I get the sense that you have been on quite a journey to get to this point.”

“I suppose I have,” Tessa said as she thought about Gloria’s words. 

“And you’re at the end.”

Tessa nodded. 

“How did you get here?” Gloria invited Tessa’s confidence. 

Tessa’s eyes took on a far away look as she drew circles on the back of her hand with her thumb. She felt the answer fall into her soul, “Scott,” she looked up at Gloria as she spoke his name. 

Gloria nodded to show that she had heard. 

“Scott,” Tessa repeated again, “he found out,” she explained, “and he made me admit it.”

“Right.”

“He made me skate.”

“Ok.”

“And he wouldn’t let me go,” Tessa was back in the rink with Scott’s arms pinning her to the truth, “he wouldn’t let me run.”

“He physically stopped you?”

“Yeah,” Tessa nodded as she spoke, “he held me.”

“And how did that feel?” Gloria knew it was a question that delved deep. 

Tessa’s eyes left the older woman and found her hands once more. There was a silence deeper and longer and fuller than any that had fallen between them before. 

The silence extended. It dragged out like a ball of unravelling yarn that tied itself in knots as it spilled into the space between the two women. 

“Ok,” Gloria knew that it was her that needed to break the silence, “here,” she leaned forward and handed Tessa a Post-it note and a pen, “if you want to answer that question but can’t, then you can write it down and leave it for me to see,” she said Tessa took the Post-it from her, “or,” Gloria said as she made her way back to her chair, “if you don’t want to talk about it at all, you can just leave the piece of paper blank.”

Tessa took the pen and immediately scribbled a sentence onto the paper and then capped the pen before putting both pen and paper on the table next to her. 

“Ok,” Gloria nodded, “that’s ok,” she assured Tessa, “this is something that you want to talk about, but you don’t know how to,” Gloria said softly, “and that is fine.”

Tessa nodded as she felt herself curl into the darkness of silence. 

“Is there anything else you do want to talk about?”

“We’ve been asked to skate,” Tessa came out of her layers of protection in order to talk about Jeff’s request for them to skate for Elvis. 

“In a show?”

“Yes,” Tessa nodded, “for a friend.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah,” Tessa nodded and smiled at Gloria’s reaction. 

“And how do you feel about that?”

Tessa took a deep breath in and filled her chest with air. She felt the weight of it in her chest as it pushed out against her rib cage. There was something comforting about it; the pressure held her in comfort somehow. 

“I want to do it,” she said finally, “for Elvis,” she explained, “he has been important to the sport, and in our lives,” she went on, “and I want to celebrate his career.”

“I can hear a ‘but’,” Gloria smiled. 

“But,” Tessa smiled as a soft laugh almost passed her lips, “but,” her tone fell to serious again, “it’s skating with Scott,” she said in way of explanation, “and that was a different life,” she shook her head as she spoke, “a lifetime ago.”

Gloria nodded slowly as she smiled in acknowledgement of what Tessa had said, “and would it be the same now?”

Tessa thought for a moment before giving her reply, “I don’t know,” she said with a sure tone in her voice, “and that’s the scariest part about it,” she admitted, “when we were on the ice here it was good,” she was explaining to herself as much as to Gloria, “the feeling of skating was good,” she ordered her thoughts as they came to her, “but skating in a show is very different.”

“Sure.”

“It would be like going back.”

“Into the past?”

“And there would be people.”

“Other skaters?”

Tessa shook her head, “fans,” she said with a sigh, “and their expectations and excitement.”

“About you skating again?”

“About us skating together.”

“I see.”

“It would start everything up again.”

“Everything?”

“Just the discussion about the nature of our partnership, our relationship.”

“Oh,” Gloria’s understood, “that’s something you’ve coped with before, isn’t it?”

“It is,” Tessa puffed out her cheeks as she spoke, “but it’s different this time.”

“How so?”

“Because we are different,” her words and thoughts were a jumble in her own mind as she spoke, “and our relationship is different,” she added, “we are trying to build this new friendship and I don’t know how the fan excitement and speculation really fits into that.”

“Does it have to fit in at all?” Gloria asked, “does it have any power?”

“I don’t know,” Tessa shook her head lightly as she spoke, “that’s one of the things,” she gestured with her hands as she spoke, “I feel like everything we have between us at the moment is untested,” her brow creased as she spoke and she hoped that Gloria could understand what she meant, “it’s only been in our world,” she explained, “protected. Skating together, being in public together, being with our friends, it would open it up and other people would invite themselves into it.”

“It wouldn’t just be the two of you any longer.”

“Exactly,” Tessa knew that Gloria would understand, “and I don’t know that we are ready for that yet.”

“You want to keep it between the two of you.”

“Yes.

“What do you want to keep between the two of you?” Gloria knew that her question was out of step with the conversation and would take Tessa by surprise, but she also knew that there was a lot of confusion running around the room and Tessa’s mind. 

“Erm…,” Tessa’s free flowing speech stopped and she felt her emotions clench inside of her, “well,” she struggled, “our friendship,” she said with a sense of confidence, “our new friendship,” she stated again, “that we are building with Mark.”

“Of course,” it had been the answer that Gloria was expecting and she wondered how much further it was safe to probe, “the one you have set rules for,” she went gently.

“Yes.”

“Rules you’ve broken?”

“Yes,” Tessa’s answer came slowly and with lines of confused thought running through it, “we broke the rules,” she was quick to add, “but if we hadn’t,” she went on, “I would never have admitted to myself what was going on with Ava.”

“So breaking the rules was needed in that situation.”

“It was.”

“And can you see that you will need to break them again?”

“Well, we will if we are going to skate together,” Tessa said simply, “we’re not meant to have physical contact with each other,” she told Gloria.

“Well skating would be pretty difficult without that,” Gloria smiled at her and lightened the air a little. 

“It certainly would,” Tessa smiled back. 

“But skating and having physical contact with each other off the ice are different things, aren’t they?”

“Well, they used to be,” Tessa replied, “but now they are linked,” she looked at Gloria as she spoke and the realisation of her anxiety about skating in the show dawned on her, “but now skating is linked to breaking the rules and admitting my lies over Ava,” she rubbed her hands together as she spoke and laced her fingers together, “so now there’s a lot mixed up in it,” she concluded, “a lot of emotion.”

“It’s not what it used to be.”

“No,” Tessa let the thought percolate, “but it can be,” she said after a moment of thought, “skating is what we have always done,” she explained, “and being on the ice has always been good for our minds,” she nodded to herself as she spoke, “and we should get that back.”

“Reclaim it.”

“Exactly that,” Tessa agreed.

“So when would the show be?” Gloria asked. 

“In two months,” Tessa informed her, “not that long to get ready given that we’re out of shape,” she widened her eyes as she spoke, “but so is everyone else,” she smiled, “but if we agree to it,” she explained, “we have to go and meet with everyone the day after tomorrow.”

“That’s soon.”

“Yeah,” Tessa nodded, “Jeff is the master of all things last minute.”

“And how do you feel about meeting up with people?”

“We’d be missing our session with Mark,” Tessa explained, “Scott and Nate have their last weekend with Jena today and tomorrow and then we had a session with Mark, but we would miss it.”

“When you have so much to talk about.”

“We would have to go to the meet up together without having a session first.”

Gloria only nodded into the silence. 

“I mean, we will be ok,” Tessa reassured herself, “but it would have been good to have the session first.”

“Have you and Scott talked about how you’ve broken the rules?” Gloria asked, “with the skating?”

“No,” Tessa was honest, “and,” she knew that full honesty was the only way forward, “it wasn’t really just the skating,” she looked down as she admitted it, “there was some other physical contact as well.”

“Off the ice?”

“Yeah,” Tessa’s voice was quiet, “off the ice.”

“I see.”

“It was therapeutic,” Tessa jumped in, “my legs were sore from the skate,” she looked up at Gloria and the words rushed out of her, “Scott massaged them - that’s all.”

“So it was linked to the skating?” Gloria confirmed. 

“It was,” Tessa nodded as she saw what Gloria was saying - it really wasn’t all that bad she told herself. It was part of the skating, really. What she didn’t allow herself to acknowledge was the way she had felt as he stood behind her in the kitchen with his hand around her waist. She didn’t allow the warmth of his touch and the feeling of his body against hers to surface from the depths of her mind, “it was connected to the skating,” she confirmed in order to reassure herself, “my legs aren’t used to it,” she smiled. 

“What does Scott think about skating in the show?”

“I think he has the same worries,” she offered, “but he said that he is happy to do what I want.”

“What do you want?” on the surface it was a question about the skating show, but beneath its waves stood a question that Tessa was, in that moment, not able to answer. It was the question, although she didn’t know it, that was at the centre of her life and a question that she was working towards a glorious answer to. 

“I think I want to skate,” she smiled eventually, “for Elvis,” she added. 

Gloria smiled and nodded slowly. 

“I want to skate,” Tessa repeated as the idea settled into her bones and then her soul, “we won’t skate when we meet up with the others,” she explained to Gloria, “that will just be a planning meeting.”

“But you will skate when you get back?”

“We’ll need plenty of time on the ice to prepare,” Tessa smiled at the thought, “we’re somewhat rusty.”

Gloria smiled at the thought - she knew that the coming weeks were likely to throw up some pretty big feelings if Tessa was to spend a lot of time on the ice with Scott. 

They talked through Tessa’s work on her book - which was going slowly - and the work that she was doing with her foundation before bringing the session to a close. As Tessa got up to leave Gloria watched her eyes move to the Post-it that lay folded on the table. Tessa looked at the bright yellow square of paper and left it in its place; a silent invitation for Gloria to read it. Once Tessa had left the office with words of support, encouragement and kindness packed within her,   
Gloria retrieved the piece of paper and looked at the words written on it, she allowed herself a smile before folding up the piece of paper and putting it into the small tin that she kept in the top desk of her drawer with the other pieces of paper that Tessa had written on since they had been working together.

She closed the drawer with a smile, a sigh and a feeling of hope. The words sat in the darkness of the drawer, but there was no doubt that they would one day be shown the light, the three words letters that Tessa feared to utter; like coming home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's take a trip and meet up with the 'gang'!


	69. Chapter Sixty Nine Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A really short one for you. This chapter is going to come to you parts as I am only finding 'moments' to write in at the moment with school being so busy. However, even just a thousand words is a joy to write, and I hope you enjoy reading them.   
This is just to set up the chapter really, and the trip that they are taking to Toronto.

The sun was setting on a long and tiring weekend when Scott heard a gentle knock on the front door. He lifted Nate onto his hip and headed down the hallway. When he saw Tessa’s outline through the glass he felt his heart settle and his muscles ease a little. He hadn’t realised until that moment just how much he needed to see her. Jena’s final weekend had been emotional, and although Nate, in reality, understood very little of what was going on, Scott could tell that he was attuned to the emotion of it all. 

“Hi,” Tessa’s smile was soft and glowed from her eyes, “I thought you guys might be hungry,” she said as she lifted a take out bag into the air in front of them. 

Scott smiled as the aroma of the food drifted towards his hungry stomach, “that is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me, Virtch,” he winked at her as he spoke. He was pleasantly surprised by his own change in attitude. Whereas a moment before he had been feeling down and heavy, now he felt light and happy. 

“Tough day?” Tessa asked as she stepped over the threshold of the house and handed Scott the bag of food. 

“Very,” Scott sighed, “but it’s getting better,” he motioned to the bag of steaming food in his hand as he led the way through to the kitchen.

Nate squirmed in Scott’s arms and kicked to be let down. Once on the floor he headed for the sofa in the corner of the kitchen and pulled at his blue blanket.

“Here,” Tessa moved across the room to help him retrieve the blanket, the corner of which was tucked down the side of the sofa cushion and unyielding to Nate’s little hands. 

Scott looked over his shoulder as he placed two plates onto the kitchen counter, “he has been really ‘off’ this evening,” he told Tessa as he watched her wrap Nate in the blanket and place him onto the sofa. 

“To be expected, I suppose?” Tessa said with an empathetic tone. 

“Yeah,” Scott nodded in agreement, “it was all a bit heavy,” he added. 

“I can imagine,” Tessa smiled over at Scott as Nate rolled around on the sofa and tangled himself in the blanket. 

“He didn’t really understand what was going on,” Scott said as he took cutlery from the kitchen drawer, “but Jena was upset and that was enough to unsettle him.”

“It must have been difficult for you all,” Tessa sympathised as she tried to encourage Nate to play with his favourite toy car. 

“I think saying goodbye made it all a bit real,” Scott placed the plates of food onto the table as he spoke, “for Jena and for me.”

“Talking about it and actually experiencing it are quite different things,” Tessa stated. 

“They are,” Scott replied as he poured two glasses of water and filled Nate’s cup with juice, “and I don’t think there was a way for Jena really to prepare herself for how it was going to feel.”

“No,” Tessa nodded in understanding as Nate crawled onto her lap and pushed his face into her neck, “I don’t think it is really a situation you can prepare yourself for,” she said kindly as she picked Nate up and carried him to the table with her. 

“And he has just not settled since,” Scott said as he soothed Nate’s hair.

They sat down at the table and Nate stayed with Tessa for a few minutes before leaving her lap and crawling about the floor. He seemed a little more settled but still didn’t show much interest in playing with his toys and kept checking in with both Tessa and Scott for some comfort and reassurance. 

Scott chewed on his food as he looked down at Nate, “do you think it’s irresponsible of me to take him with us tomorrow?” Scott asked as he watched Nate roll about in his blanket, “he is already so unsettled,” he said with a slightly worried tone. 

“Hmm,” Tessa watched Nate. It was clear that he was not his usual self, “well, I suppose it’s a choice between not going and trying to keep things as normal as possible,” she thought aloud, “or going and it being so different that it takes his mind off things.”

“That’s true,” Scott nodded - he hadn’t really thought about the distraction that a night away would offer Nate, he had been thinking more about the negative effects of breaking his routine, “it’s just the idea of staying in a hotel with him like this,” Scott turned back to his food and put another hungry forkful into his mouth, “whilst he is so unsettled.”

“Well,” Tessa’s mind ran through the options that were open to them and hit upon one that might work, “I know we said we would stay in the hotel seeing as Jeff had arranged it, but we could just stay at my apartment,” she suggested, “it’s not that far from the hotel, so we wouldn’t have much travelling to do to meet up with everyone for the planning session,” she outlined, “and I’ve got a spare room big enough for both of you.”

Scott nodded at the idea as he considered it. When Jeff had sent the details of the planning meeting in Toronto through to them, they had decided to stay at the hotel with everyone else so that they felt a full part of the planning and the occasion. For Scott in particular, the meeting with their old friends and colleagues carried a lot of emotional weight because of the absence and space that he had felt at Kaitlyn and Andrew’s party. They had discussed the idea of staying at Tessa’s apartment, but decided against it. He looked down again at Nate. He sighed deeply. He needed to do what was right for his son, and at least in Tessa’s apartment there would be some sense of normality. Not that he or Nate had been to Tessa’s Toronto apartment, but there was something distinctly different between staying in a hotel and staying in a home. Plus, when it came to seeking comfort and reassurance, it had not failed Scott’s notice that Nate often sought out Tessa. He knew that they were developing a strong bond, and he wanted Nate to be as comfortable and supported as possible during such a tough time in his life. 

“Well, if you don’t min-” Scott began. 

“Of course I don’t mind,” Tessa was quick to assure him. 

“You can still go out with the guys,” Scott was equally quick to say, “don’t feel tha-”

“I know,” Tessa smiled at him before he could finish. 

They held each other’s eyes for a moment before exchanging a soft smile. 

“Thanks,” Scott said softly before returning to his food, “and thanks for the food,” he added as he looked up at her, “and for being here.”

“Anytime.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part Two - the car journey.


	70. Chapter Sixty Nine Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, two weeks off means plenty of writing time. This chapter has been waiting to be finished for weeks!  
Part three on the way soon!  
Good to be back with you - hope you're all still there and ready to dive back into the chaos with this pair!

The smell of fresh coffee entered the car at the same time Tessa did. Scott smiled over at the two travel mugs that were clutched in her gloved hands. She smiled sweetly over at him as she passed one of the cups over the car's centre console and into his waiting hand.

"Virtch," Scott smiled over at her as she placed her own cup into the passenger side cup holder, “what did I do to deserve you!" his words were lost to a swig of the hot liquid.

"Late night?" Tessa asked with a light chuckle as she pulled the seat belt around her body and pushed its end home with a click.

"Late night, early morning," Scott said as he rubbed at his tired eyes, "call it what you want," he smiled, "but this one has barely slept," he turned his head to indicate towards Nate in the back seat. 

As Tessa turned to look at the sleepy eyed toddler, Nate lazily reached out his arms to her from beneath his blanket.

"Oh dear," Tessa cooed at him, "you do look like a tired boy, Nate," she reached back and tickled the palm of his hand as she spoke.

"I'm hoping he'll sleep on the journey," Scott said as he looked into the wing mirror before pulling out from the sidewalk and onto the empty road.

"Well, hopefully he'll nap before we get there," Tessa agreed as she sipped at her coffee, "and then we'll have a few hours before we need to meet the guys, so you can have a nap before we leave to meet them."

"That would be good," Scott agreed with a smile, "not sure if sleep deprivation and Jeff are the world's greatest combination.

His humorous comment about their friend made Tessa chuckle as she relaxed back into her seat for the ride into the city. As they left London behind in the early morning and headed onto the quiet highway the sun started to rise before them. The cloud scudded sky was patterned with thick brush strokes of amber and red. Scott felt a tranquility settle over his tiredness; he had always found the sunrise to have a powerful effect on his mood. It was like a cosmic reminder of the balance of life.

"So beautiful," Tessa's eyes were fixed on the horizon as she spoke.

"Humbling," Scott agreed.

They were the only words spoken between the two as Scott steered the car towards Toronto. The sunrise took away the need for words and allowed them to settle into a calmness they both needed in order to prepare them for the day ahead and the social interaction it would bring. As the landscape became less natural and increasingly man-made, Tessa looked over her shoulder and into the backseat of the car. Nate's head was leaning gently against the side of his car seat and the delicate skin of his eyelids fluttered as he dreamt beneath them. 

"He's slept most of the way," her voice was hushed as she turned back and spoke to Scott.

"That's something," Scott smiled in response.

As they continue their journey the sun lit the world around them. The tail lights on the highway started to fade into the daylight and they were forced to share the world with everyone living around them. There were all strains of life being lived out in the cars that passed them - early morning commutes, tired returns from the late shift, holidays, even. Their life was different - more complicated; ex-lovers travelling back in time accompanied by a child born of a time in their lives that took and taught them so much. Their situation was clearly heavy on their minds as Scott eased the car in and out of the traffic around them. 

“I am looking forward to the meet,” Scott broke the thoughtful silence, “but it’s a shame we are missing our session with Mark.”

“It is,” Tessa’s response was immediate as she turned her face from the window and faced him - her mind had been on thoughts of their missed session when Scott spoke.

“I feel like we’ve got a lot to discuss with him,” Scott offered without taking his eyes from the road.

“Me too,” Tessa agreed. 

A silence fell, and unlike their usual easy silences, it was one charged with words waiting to be uttered. 

“We’ve kind of broken the rules a bit,” Scott’s voice was quiet and a little unsure as he spoke.

“Well,” Tessa chewed at the inside of her lip as she spoke, “quite a bit.”

“Hmm,” Scott agreed as he indicated to overtake a slow moving car, “yeah,” he answered after completing the maneuver, “quite a bit,” he agreed. 

“I talked about it with Gloria,” Tessa told him. 

“Oh,” Scott was momentarily taken aback to hear her share something as private as the contents of her counselling session, “that’s good,” he caught up with his thoughts and offered her reassurance. 

“We talked about how the skating is ok,” Tessa told him, “you know,” she added, “for Elvis.”

“It would be pretty tough to skate without physical contact,” Scott nodded.

“That’s what we said,” Tessa smiled over at him, “plus,” her voice took on a tone of slight insecurity, “if you hadn’t broken the rules,” she started, “if you hadn’t forced me to skate,” she added, “held me,” her voice dipped deep and quiet, “then I wouldn’t have admitted what had happened with Ava.”

There was a silence in the car once more and this time it was charged with emotion that Scott needed time to process before he could respond to. 

“Our work with Mark is important,” Scott said finally, “and he is a good therapist,” he added, “and I want to continue working with him,” he assured Tessa, “but I also think that physical contact with each other is something that we do need in our relationship,” he looked at her for her reaction as he spoke. 

Tessa looked at him and then at the road as she considered her response, “I agree,” she said finally, “I think it is our best form of communication.”

“Because of the skating,” Scott was quick to respond with his own thoughts .

“Because of the skating,” Tessa confirmed as she helped them both to push their true feelings back into the darkness created by their relentless denial of their situation. 

“It would be difficult to make our skating authentic if we were to carry on with the rule whilst we were preparing for the show,” Scott’s words pushed their reality even further into the depths of the darkness they were both so adept at working in.

“We would feel so weird on the ice,” Tessa nodded in agreement, “we would look like we were just working through a series of steps rather than really skating.”

“And we owe it to Elvis to make this skate good.”

“We do.”

“And a skate like this is going to be hard enough as it is -”

“-we don’t need the added complication.”

“Exactly.”

Between them they managed to assure themselves that they were on the right track, and that their physical contact was a necessity if they were to honor one of the world’s greatest skaters. It was all so simple in their minds once they had pushed reality down and away. They both felt an ease fall over them, and they smiled as they continued on their journey to the city. Of course, they both silently told themselves that it was the thought of being able to plan their skate and to be there for their friend and mentor that made them both feel happy and at ease. In reality, it was the thought of the freedom of being able to seek the touch and the comfort that they both knew, deep down, that they needed and, more importantly and most dangerously, wanted from each other that made them both smile widely as they drove into the heart of the city.


	71. Chapter Sixty Nine Part Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting into dangerous territory now! And, oh, don't we love it!

"You take him up," Tessa told Scott as she scurried to the car's trunk to grab their bags.

Scott watched her quick movements together with the constant jerking and turning of her head as she surveyed the road and the buildings around them.

"I can manage the bags," she told him as she popped the trunk and started to take the bags from it and load them onto her arms.

Scott wanted to tell her to leave the bags, and that he would return for them once they had settled Nate. However, he knew Tessa well enough to understand her insistence and her hurried movements. They had arrived outside her apartment block and whilst they were in an exclusive and calm part of the city, they were still in the city and that meant that there were plenty of eyes around them. He knew that she was nervous about them being seen together. Of course, they were preparing to skate together in a public show, and that would bring a level of attention that they would need to prepare themselves for, but it was also a situation in which they had a high level of control. Out here, in the open, and in public they had no control over who was watching them and who was documenting them. It was a lesson that they had learnt the hard way at the cottage, and the cottage was a place considered safe and secluded. He had thought to mention to Tessa that they hire some security for the trip - just someone to escort them about the city - to watch their backs, but he decided against it. He figured that it was just a short weekend trip and that it was something that they could cope with. Plus, travelling around with a security team was something from their old life, and not something that he was in a rush to return to. He wanted things to be different this time - in their friendship and in their lives - and that included the extent to which they allowed others to control what they did and where they went. Towards the end - after the Olympics - when it felt like all the world was on them and everyone wanted a slice of them, it was the attention and the constant demands that had started to bore down on Scott. He understood the price he had to pay for the support that he had been given, and he was happy and willing to give back to Canada, but the intrusion into their lives was something that always angered him. He had always felt that by going public they would just put the whole thing to bed and that people would just get over the news and they would be able to get on with their life together. It was infantile of him to suggest that it was the fault of the world - they were to blame; he was to blame, but sometimes he wished that they could somehow disappear into obscurity and live normal lives - not that a 'normal life' was what Tessa had wanted after the Olympics, well, not 'normal' by his definition.

"The door's open," her voice had a greater sense of urgency than before.

"Great," Scott smiled over at her as he held Nate close against his body.

"Third door on the left," Tessa informed him as she pulled Nate's toy bag from the back seat, "top floor."

Scott wasted no more time in getting inside the building, and as he stepped through the revolving doors and gave the concierge a polite smile, he hoped that Tessa's anxiety was easing.

"Morning, sir," the concierge smiled as Scott entered the building, "can I help you?"

"Oh," Scott was somewhat taken aback by the question, "actually," he shuffled Nate on his hip as he spoke, "we have a key," he held the key up.

"That's fine, sir," the concierge smiled, "here, let me," he zipped in front of Scott and pressed the elevator's button, "top floor?" he asked with a smile.

Scott couldn't help but notice the smile on the man's face, and he hoped that it would be gone once Tessa arrived in the foyer. A knowing smile from her building's concierge was the last thing she needed to see.

"Thank you," Scott said in reply as the lift whirred into action and made its way down the shaft towards them.

"You're a fine young man," the concierge smiled at Nate as he looked over his dad's shoulder. The lift arrived within seconds and the doors opened smoothly in front of them.

"Thank you," Scott said again as he entered the lift and smiled.

"No problem," the older man smiled as he pressed the button to close the lift doors.

Once they were enclosed inside the lift Scott let go of the breath that he hadn't realised he'd been holding. The concierge had meant no harm, and had been perfectly polite, but his reaction to Scott being in the building was a mild dose of the attention they could expect to experience once the show was advertised and their involvement made public. He felt a sense of worry fall across his brow; he and Tessa had worked so hard to get to the point they were at, and he liked where they were. There was a way to go - he knew that, and that was why they were seeing Mark, but he also realised that they had made great strides forward in their friendship, and he was grateful for that. Perhaps the show was a bad idea, he thought as the elevator door opened to reveal a small hallway. It wasn't too late to pull out - nothing had gone to press about the show or the skaters. Perhaps it was publicity and a situation that they just weren't ready for. A situation that they didn't need to put themselves in. He stepped off the lift and looked down the corridor. He located Tessa's apartment and slid the key into the lock. As he opened the door he was greeted by the scent of fresh lavender. He entered the hallway and scanned the walls for a light switch. Once illuminated, the hallway that led into the lounge showed itself to be quintessentially Tessa - soft tones with careful splashes of pastel colour accompanied by tasteful furniture. His eyes were drawn to the vase of fresh lavender that stood on the hallway table, and he wondered just how much an apartment with a concierge and fresh flower delivery cost in Toronto.

"Tessie?" Nate asked as he looked over Scott's shoulder and into the hallway.

"She'll be up in a minute, bud," Scott soothed Nate as he left the hallway and made his way across the lounge. His eyes scanned the room and took in all the things that were so familiar to him - the cleanliness, the neatness, the piles of books with sticky notes poking out from between their pages. His eyes also roamed over the things that were less familiar to him - the things that reminded him that Tessa was not the same person he left years ago. The books about emotional resilience, the well-used notebooks and the pictures of her and Ollie reminded him that her life had been lived without him - despite him, he thought as he placed Nate down on the floor.

"That man is always so nosey," Tessa's voice reached him as she entered the lounge laden with their bags.

"Here," he took Nate's bag of toys that was swinging from her arm before helping her to release herself from the rest of the luggage that she had managed to hang from her arms, shoulders and fingers.

"Why does he need to know everything!"

Scott smiled as he listened to her berate the concierge.

"I'll ask for help if I need it," she said with a slight huff as she moved towards the kitchen. She reached up into the cupboard that sat above the kitchen sink and grabbed two glasses.

"This is a really nice place, Tess," Scott smiled at her from the lounge, "fresh flowers," he smiled at the lavender as he spoke, "very fancy."

Tessa stopped and looked over at the flowers with a creased brow, "where did they come from?" she asked as she left the glasses on the kitchen counter and headed for the vase of flowers.

"I assumed they were-"

"No card," Tessa was lost to her own thoughts as she picked up the vase.

"And the mail," she picked up a stack of envelopes from the hallway counter, "someone picked up the mail," she told Scott with a confused tone.

"Do you have a housekeeper?"

"A housekeeper?" Tessa giggled at him, "of course I don't have a housekeeper, Scott," she smiled.

"I just thought," he smiled at the way her tone and mood seemed to lift, "this place seems pretty fancy," he offered in way of explanation.

"Not that fancy," she smiled as she headed towards the fridge and pulled open its doors. She smiled when she saw a carton of milk sitting on the shelf, "Jordan must have popped in," she said with a more relaxed tone, "I mentioned that I might be coming into the city," she explained, "she must have come over," with the mystery solved, she turned her attention back to the glasses and pouring them both a glass of cold water.

Scott's mind fell in line with hers and the flowers suddenly made sense. Although he knew it was more likely to have been Kate who had been round to the apartment and not Jordan. True to his word, he had told Kate that he and Tessa had spoken about Ava and that she had no more need to worry. He hadn't been entirely truthful - lying by omission rather than being deliberately deceitful - in that he hadn't painted a picture of their skate and the difficult emotions that Tessa had experienced in talking about the break up. In fact, he may have allowed Kate to conclude that they had discussed it in therapy rather than whilst skating, but he didn't feel that Kate needed to know everything- just the facts. Tessa was allowed her privacy. In fact, they were allowed privacy in their friendship - there was no reason for everyone to know everything anymore. He knew that Kate had been round to the apartment, not with the sole intention of making the place nice with flowers, but to remove any remnants of Ava and the relationship that she knew had hurt her daughter. He smiled warmly as he thought of Kate's motherly devotion - being a parent meant doing everything you could to protect your child from pain - all and any type of pain. He knew that Kate only wanted the best for her, even if that meant allowing someone else - allowing Scott - to take the lead sometimes, but he also knew that she would always find a way to be the best mother she could, and to play an active role in making sure that her youngest was happy and protected from pain.

"You should take the chance to get some sleep," Tessa told Scott as she handed him a glass of water, "you'll need all of your energy for Jeff and the gang later."

"Very true," Scott yawned after taking a grateful swig of the cold water.

"We'll be ok," Tessa smiled at Nate as she picked him up and placed a kiss on his head, "won't we?" she smiled at the toddler.

Nate smiled back and burrowed his head into the crook of Tessa's neck.

"If you're sure," Scott smiled. He felt the exhaustion lying heavy on his bones, and the thought of a few hours of sleep made him feel instantly more relaxed.

"Of course I'm sure," Tessa smiled as she held Nate closely, "the spare room is just through here," she informed him as she led him out of the lounge and into an adjoining room, "the bed's all made up she told him as she switched on the light to reveal a large room with a king size bed and en-suite bathroom, "I'll wake you up in plenty of time," she told him, "don't worry."

"Thanks," he smiled over at her, "just wake me up if Nate gets to be hand full," he told her.

"A hand full?" Tessa smiled at Nate as she spoke, "what is he suggesting about you?" she tickled Nate's belly as she spoke.

Scott looked over at Nate's face as he giggled at Tessa's touch. He realised in that moment just how lucky he was to have them both in his life.

"You know we don't have to do the show," he said as he watched them interact.

Tessa took her attention away from Nate and looked over at Scott with an expression of seriousness, "have you changed your mind?" she asked him, "it's ok if you have," she reassured him.

"No," he answered honestly, "but I don't want us to do anything we'll regret."

"Regret?"

"Skating," he explained, "in a show," he added, "publicly - it will mean a change for us."

"A change?"

"In our lives, I mean," he explained, "we will have to deal with that again."

"I know," Tessa said honestly, "but I know that we can."

"I know that we can," Scott emphasised the last word in the sentence, "but I just want to make sure that we are willing to."

"We're strong enough," her statement took Scott aback for a moment and left him staring across the room at her. The moment paused around them and hung in the air, "I think we're strong enough," her voice was weaker when it came the second time, but the conviction in her words was no less strong.

"I know we're strong enough," Scott smiled over at her.

"Do you want to skate?"

"Yes."

"Me too."

"Ok," Scott smiled, "I just wanted to check," he assured her, "I didn't want you to do anything you-"

"Let's always assume I won't let you or anyone else force me into anything," Tessa smiled at him, "that I will say if there is something that I don't want to do," she explained, "and that way you don't need to worry about things like this."

"Ok," Scott smiled as he felt an ease fall over him and a weight leave his chest.

"Now get some sleep!" she told him as she turned to leave the room.

"Thanks, T," he smiled over at her as he sat down on the edge of the bed and started to remove his shoes.

Tessa left, shutting the door behind her and sealing Scott into the room. Scott felt a heavy tiredness fall over him as he stripped down to his boxers and slid between the bed's crisp sheets. The soft freshness of the duvet enveloped him as he melted into the comfort of a few hours of sleep.

Tessa padded through from the guest room and into the lounge with Nate still securely in her arms.

"Daddy sleepy," Nate observed as they headed for the sofa.

"Daddy is sleepy," Tessa smiled at Nate as she placed him down on the sofa, "I think someone kept him awake," she raised her eyebrows as she spoke.

Tessa took her place on the sofa next to Nate and put her phone on the arm next to her. As soon as she was seated, Nate crawled across the cushions towards her and tucked himself into her side. Tessa welcomed his warmth and affection and ruffled her fingers through his hair.

"Let's see what's on TV," she told him as she looped her arm around him and their bodies settled together.

Tessa flicked through the TV's kid-orientated channels until she found something that looked vaguely educational. She knew that an hour spent watching totally inane mind-numbing cartoons would not kill Nate, or his brain cells, but she still, she preferred something that stood a chance of teaching him something. The brightly dressed woman on the screen was surrounded by farm animals, and Nate played along as she encouraged her young audience to replicate the sound each animal made. Nate's attempts were a little half hearted and sleepy, but he was happy to comply as he sat cuddled into Tessa's side. His hand found hers and he played with the tips of her fingers as he worked through a series of mooing and baaing sounds.

Tessa looked down at Nate with a warm smile. She had come to feel a lot for the little boy - a little too much if she was honest with herself; which she was not. She loved that they were able to spend time together without Scott as it meant that she had a relationship with Nate that was separate from her relationship with Scott, and she hoped that meant that she could be there for Nate as he grew up. She knew what it was like to grow up with only one parent there with you full time. Her dad had always supported her, but it was her mom who had been there for her, had encouraged her, had done the early morning pick ups and drops offs and worked hard to provide for her and her siblings. She had felt different from the other kids sometimes, especially in the early days. As she got older she'd thought about what it must have been like for her brothers as they were growing up. Her mom was great with them all, and they all loved her, but she did think about what it was like for a boy to grow up without a dad. She looked down at Nate and his slightly sleepy smile. She knew that he had all of the people in his life who loved him - Scott and Alma and Joe and all of his family, but she also wondered just how he would react to Jena being at such a distance - choosing to be at such a distance. She had no desire to replace Jena - she could never do that, and she would never attempt to - but she hoped that she might be able to be there and to be a part of Nate's life.

They watched the kids' TV show until it ended and the credits rolled across the bottom of the screen. Tessa glanced at her watch, "shall we get you some breakfast?" she asked Nate as she stroked her finger across his cheek. Knowing that she had nothing in the house to offer a toddler for breakfast, she grabbed her phone to order them some food.

"Do you want some pancakes, Nate?" she asked as she scrolled through the menu on the screen.

"Cake," Nate repeated as he snuggled closer to his friend.

"Pancake," Tessa giggled as she understood the little boy's focus on the word cake.

"Juice," Nate asked as he started to understand that food was being offered.

"Juice, pancakes," Tessa said as she added food to the virtual basket in her hands, "jam," she said as she made more selections, "and some chocolate spread," she smiled at Nate as she spoke, "and," she scrolled the screen as she spoke, "croissants for Daddy," she said aloud, "and a Danish for me."

Nate listened attentively as Tessa talked him through their breakfast order.

"Perhaps I'll get you some eggs as well," she told Nate, "in case you're not keen on the pancakes," she explained, "and some fruit," she told him, "want you to be a big healthy boy," she explained. She continued to add things to the basket until she was happy that there was plenty for them all to eat.

"Half an hour," she informed Nate with a smile, "do you want to have a bath, Nate?" she asked as she noticed that he was still in his pyjamas - clearly Scott had taken the sleepy toddler straight out of his bed and put him into his car seat for the trip to the city.

"Me bath," Nate was elated at the suggestion of one of his favourite activities.

"Come on then," Tessa smiled at him as she helped him down from the sofa and led him through to her bedroom and into the bathroom. Nate lost no time in stripping his clothes from his body and leaving them in a trail across the floor. Tessa giggled softly as she watched him struggle with his trousers. She pulled him gently towards her and helped him to disentangle himself. She dipped her hand into the shallow water in order to test its temperature before carefully lifting Nate over the bath's side and into the waiting water. She watched as he settled into the bubbles and then looked back up at her.

"You good?" she asked him.

Nate smiled back to let her know that he was enjoying the feel of the water and the freedom of being without his clothes.

"Tessie bath," Nate stated as he splashed in the bubbles.

Jesse's brow creased as she tried to follow the toddler's train of thought.

"Tessie bath," Nate repeated as he splashed about in the water and shuffled backwards to make room for Tessa.

"Ah," Tessa said as she realised what Nate was trying to make clear to her, "not today, little man," Tessa tried not to make too much of Nate's request - she wasn't sure how she was meant to feel about the idea of bathing with him - it was something she'd done with Ollie plenty of times, but he was her nephew- it was different, it was ok. Bathing with Nate wasn't as straight forward in her mind - he was someone else's child and not related to her. But then, she reasoned, she was also not a stranger. She shook her head to remove the thoughts that were swilling around in it - she wasn't getting into the bath with Nate because there wasn't time. The food would be arriving soon, so there really was no need to mull over a situation that didn't exist.

"Let's get you all clean, she smiled at Nate as she rubbed soap into a soft flannel, " your breakfast will be here soon," she wiped the sudsy flannel over his soft skin as she spoke. Once she was satisfied that he was clean, she allowed him to play in the bath for a few minutes before lifting him out and wrapping him in a fluffy towel. She carried him through to the hallway and stood him next to his bag.

"Let's see what Daddy has packed for you," she said as she unzipped the bag and took out the clothes and diapers that Scott had carefully packed. She placed an outfit, a diaper and jumper onto the hallway floor before drying Nate off and dressing him. She reached into the side pocket of his bag and grabbed the soft comb that she'd seen Scott use to brush Nate's hair.

"Looking handsome," she placed a soft kiss on Nate's nose as she spoke before bundling up his pajamas and heading towards the kitchen, "let's get these into the washing machine."

"Me press," Nate asked after he watched Tessa feed his clothes into the machine.

Tessa poured the washing powder into the machine's drawer and then showed Nate which button to press to start the machine. Nate, pleased to be allowed to help, knelt down and watched as the machine whirred into action. Tessa couldn't help but smile at him as she thought about how children enjoyed the simple things in life - something that adults sometimes forgot to do. Her thoughts were interrupted by a light knock on the door.

"Breakfast," she smiled at Nate as she scooped him into her arms and headed for the door, "are you hungry?" she asked him as they walked through the apartment.

As she opened the door she was met with the smiling face of the concierge who had a large bag of food in his arms.

"Your delivery, Miss Virtue," he said as he extended the bag towards her. His eyes roved from her to Nate.

"Thank you," Tessa took the bag and made to close the door, eager to end the interaction as she wondered whether she had made the right decision in bringing Nate to the door with her. She knew that Scott did all he could to protect Nate's identity and privacy. At least, despite the fact that she had moaned about him a few hours earlier, in reality, the concierge posed very little threat to them and he had never broken her confidence before. She put the worry from her mind and headed to the kitchen to prepare breakfast for herself and Nate. Once the food was arranged onto plates and she had a fresh cup of coffee prepared, Tessa placed it all on a tray. She glanced out of the window at the bright, fresh morning.

"I think we'll eat on the balcony," she said to Nate, "we're going to spend a lot of time inside today, and I think some fresh air will do us both good."

She carried the tray across to the sliding window and opened the apartment to the outside air. She breathed in deeply as the freshness came in and enveloped them. She placed the tray on the small table and pulled out the chair before calling to Nate to join her. The pair settled down to breakfast with Nate sitting happily on Tessa's lap as they munched through their food and chatted about the sights and sounds of the city. Tessa felt safe high above the road below and knew that no one could see them and that they were safe from prying eyes. Nate ate hungrily and was happy to babble through conversation with Tessa as they ate their food together. Once they'd finished eating, Nate nestled into Tessa and they enjoyed a cuddle in the sun. Tessa took a look at her watch.

"It's time to wake Daddy up," Tessa told Nate, "shall we take him some breakfast?" she asked Nate as she got to her feet and held Nate close to her. She headed for the kitchen and the food that she had placed aside for Scott. She turned on the coffee machine and it purred into life to prepare Scott's coffee.

"Shall we put Daddy's croissant in the oven for a moment," she asked Nate as she turned the oven's dial to low, "he likes his croissants warm with jam," she told Nate as she worked.

Nate, unaware of what Tessa was saying, but wanting to be close to her, followed her around the kitchen, looking up at her and being eternally attentive and engaged.  
Once Scott's breakfast was ready and loaded onto a tray, Tessa led Nate through to the spare room and gently pushed the door open and entered the dimmed room where Scott was still sound asleep. She navigated the room carefully, balancing the tray in her arms and watching Nate's movements.

"Can you wake Daddy up?" she whispered as she helped Nate onto the foot of the bed with one hand. Nate scrambled up the side of the bed and then crawled its length towards Scott. He lowered himself down next to Scott's face and whispered in his ear.

"Wakey, Daddy," he said softly into Scott's ear.

Tessa smiled widely as she placed the breakfast tray on the nightstand next to Scott.

Scott stirred at the sound of Nate's voice and his mind started to surface from the depths of sleep.

"Jam, Daddy," Nate told Scott as he felt his dad move beneath the covers.

Scott, bleary-eyed, but smiling, rolled over onto his side and reached out his arms to find Nate's small body.

"Hello, bud," Scott said warmly as he pulled Nate towards him and cuddled him. As he woke, his nose picked up the scent of fresh coffee. He pushed himself up in the bed and leant against the headboard. He turned his head to follow the scent and found the breakfast tray on the nightstand. He looked up and saw Tessa standing at the end of the bed.

"Breakfast in bed?" he smiled at her, "I'm liking this hotel," he smiled at her, "great service."

"And cuddles," she nodded towards Nate, who was now lodged in Scott's arms.

"Coffee and cuddles," Scott smiled in response, "what could be more perfect!"

Tessa reached over and passed the steaming cup of coffee into his hand and he took it with care as he ensured that Nate was secure and at a safe distance from the hot liquid. He sipped at the dark liquid and felt it enliven him.

"Tessie," Nate called out and extended his arms towards Tessa.

Tessa slipped onto the bed next to Nate and watched as the toddler's face fell to complete happiness and comfort. He sat back into the warmth of the bedsheets happy to have his dad and his Tessie either side of him.

"You're such a cute bug," Tessa looked down at Nate as she settled next to him.

Scott sipped at his coffee and tore a corner from the warm croissant before using it to scoop some jam from the dish and onto its end. He popped the pastry into his mouth and felt the soft butter melt on his tongue.

"Mmm," he closed his eyes as he chewed, "T," he opened his eyes and tore another piece of croissant, "you have to try this," he said as he loaded the pastry with jam, "it's so good!" he said as he reached across the bed and Nate and extended the carefully balanced piece of pastry towards her mouth. Tessa opened her mouth and leant forward over Nate so that Scott could feed the croissant into her mouth.

"Mmm," Tessa's reaction matched his as she chewed down on the warm pastry, "that is really good," her words were muffled through her chewing.

"Me some," Nate looked up at the adults above him and wanted in on the action.

Scott chuckled down at his son as he prepared some of the croissant for him. Nate opened his mouth like he'd seen Tessa do a few moments before and waited for his dad to put the food into his mouth. Scott smiled wider at the way Nate had copied Tessa's actions.

"Mmm," Nate did his best to copy the adults' reactions to the food.

Tessa and Scott looked over his head and shared a warm smile. The three relaxed and shared the rest of the croissant in the spare room's king sized bed. If truth be told, Nate ate more of the croissant than the adults, and, if truth be told, they allowed him to because they both delighted in watching him enjoy it so much.

The happiness and peace that they felt as they lay there in bed with Nate between them was something that neither of them dared to recognise. Therapeutic rules were one thing - perhaps they were made to be broken, perhaps they weren't really breaking them, maybe Nate's presence meant that the rules were not needed, but they were not the relevant rules in that moment; rules made in the therapist's office were no match for rules of the heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next part of the chapter sees the three head to the meeting with the rest of the gang.


End file.
